Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 21, Episode 1 - Episode #21.1 - full transcript
'How do? I'm Keith Lemon.
'These are the brand-new titles
for Celebrity Juice.
'There's Holly on the Big Dipper.
Oh-ho!
'We're going inside me head,
into me brain.'
OINKING
'Woo-hoo-hoo!
'There's a new team captain,
Paddy McGuinness.
INDISTINCT
'He can't swim.
'No, I've not really
turned into a massive fairground,
'it's just another
over-the-top metaphor
'for how ace this telly show is.
'What is this telly show?
'It's Celebrity Juice on telly,
now in full VR.
'It's not really in VR,
but it'd be good, though.'
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Hurra-a-a-ah!
Hurra-a-a-a-a-ah!
Hello, I am Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's really exciting because
we've got a new team captain,
but before we meet that person,
let's meet the sexiest woman on TV,
it's Holly Willoughboozy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Holly, who's on your team?
Well, I have
a very jungley team tonight,
which makes me super excited.
There's only one word
to describe this man: Fabulous!
John Barrowman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On my left, she is beautiful
and equally as fabulous,
it's Emily Atack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm so happy.
I am.
It's like a reunion.
# All the girls in the house say
# Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! #
LAUGHTER
Why am I better at it
than those two?
I wonder (?)
LAUGHTER
Holly? Yeah?
Are you excited
to find out
who the new team captain is?
Yeah, I mean, I think
I might have a bit of an idea.
No, no, that's a secret.
I haven't told anyone... Ah.
..so let's meet
our secret new team captain,
welcome him to Celebrity Juice.
I'm gonna
go over to the desk right now.
Erm, can we pixelate the faces
of the people that are on?
We've had the person
hidden in a box, erm, for two days.
Here they are, in this box.
I'm gonna give you some
clues at home,
see if you can guess who they are.
Our first clue.
PADDY'S VOICE: 'Before we do
anything, everyone knows it's me.'
LAUGHTER
So, what we've done,
like on Crimewatch,
we've changed their voice,
so you can't guess who it is.
'It's... it's been in the papers
for a month.
'I've got... I've got a massive "P"
on the front of the desk.'
Who could it be?
LAUGHTER
Let's have our first clue.
Magic.
It's a light bulb.
That's the first clue.
Who could it be?
What does that mean?
'No lighty, you dickhead!'
LAUGHTER
It's the final clue.
'Really?!'
Here's a picture
of Patrick McGuinness.
Who could it be? Who could it be?
It's got to be, actually...
No, John Barrowman, it is indeed...
Patrick McGuinness.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Surprise!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Phew!
A-a-a-a-h!
Paddy, it's so nice to have you.
I feel like you were part of
the Celebrity Juice family anyway.
I was on the first ever... You were.
I've done them all, haven't I? Yeah.
You know what I like?
HOLLY!
What? What?
Shh!
I feel like you were part of the
Celebrity Juice family anyway.
LAUGHTER
We've got you a special gift
to welcome you here
to Celebrity Juice. Really?
We've got you a gate.
A what?!
A gate. A gate.
You've got me a gate?
Yeah, try it out. Come through it.
Are you taking the piss?!
They said,
"What shall we get Patrick
"to welcome him to Celebrity Juice?"
And Holly had the great idea
of a gate. Er, but...
Oh, she can't remember
cos she were drunk.
But she said:
DRUNKENLY: "Let's get Paddy a gate.
"He loves gates."
It's not even got a wall. Hey?
You just walk round it.
No, walk through it,
see what happens.
That way or that way?
As you would come into something.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KEITH CHUCKLES
Patrick McGuinness,
who's on your team?
Ladies, form a queue...
LAUGHTER
..cos on me left... is Mark Wright.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Girls, there's more...
cos on me right,
he's normally on Mark's... left,
and Gary's... right,
it's Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Never forget
where you've come here from
# Never pretend
that it's all real. #
This is what... Yes!
Wow!
It's the first time
we've had anyone from Take That
on Celebrity Juice.
How is the rest of Take That?
Yeah, all good?
No, good. I've just
come from rehearsals. Yeah?
Got here about an hour ago.
For the new tour? For the new tour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the tour called?
Odyssey. Odyssey.
It's celebrating
30 years of Take That.
Wow! 30 years?!
Love it!
30 years! 30 years.
It's getting harder.
Shit! Is it? It's getting harder.
It's getting harder, yeah.
It's quite physical.
Is it?
You've still got some moves, yeah?
I've still got a few.
If we drop some dirty beat,
can you do a few?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You know, I'll give it a go.
I need to warm up. Yeah.
Limber up. Limber up.
AUDIENCE CHANT: Howard,
Howard, Howard!
Howard, Howard, Howard!
MUSIC: 'Only Takes A Minute Girl'
by Take That.
Louder! The beat!
Oh! Oh, yes!
Whoa!
CHEERING
Go! Oh, yes!
# It only takes a minute, girl. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Barrowman, can you break dance?
No. Oh.
You fucking can!
Let's have a dirty beat!
# It only takes a minute, girl
# Only takes a minute, girl
# To fall
It only takes a minute, girl
# Only takes a minute, girl. #
Fabulous!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God, Oh, my God!
KEITH LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
My nuts just went
right up into my stomach there.
Howard, there we've got a picture
of you and the guys back in the day.
Let's have a look at this.
Oh, come on. There you are.
CHEERING
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Back when Gary used to be an albino.
LAUGHTER
Such babies.
You were total poon magnets,
weren't you?
HOWARD LAUGHS
We've got another picture.
Oh. There you were.
That's when you wouldn't let
Mark have a go on the motorbike.
KEITH AS MARK: Oh, let me have a go
on the bike, you BLEEP!
You were the first, erm,
gay group, though, wasn't you?
HOWARD LAUGHS
Yeah. Yeah.
# Do what you like
Do what you like
# You don't need to tell me
# Do what you like
# Do what you like.
# Love you tonight. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That took us,
between the five of us,
over three nights
to collect that amount of jizz.
# We were holding back the flood
# They said
we'd never dance again. #
AUDIENCE: Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's sexy as hell.
I would let her sniff my ass crack,
it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
How's it going?
Yeah, really good, thanks.
Lovely to see you. You look well.
Thank you.
Does that mean "well fed"?
My mum always says, if someone says,
"Oh, you look well",
it means they're sneakily
adding "fed" to the end of it.
No, normally I would go,
"Oh, you've put timber on."
Yeah, true. You look good,
Thanks, babe. Thanks.
And how has life been
since you've left the jungle?
It must be a total different life,
yeah? It's amazing.
Like, it's changed my life so much.
Literally, a few months ago,
I was sat in my pyjamas
eating crisps,
wondering what I was gonna do next.
What, literally?
Yeah. Honestly.
Anyone who's thinking about
going in the jungle,
would you say, "Do it"? Best thing
I've ever done in my life.
Best decision I've ever made. Yeah?
Yeah.
Wasn't she brilliant in the jungle,
though?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks. Thank you very much.
Big congratulations, Emily,
to you and John,
you were both brilliant.
We had a laugh, didn't we?
It was great fun.
We've got a picture of you.
Look at you.
Oh, yeah, me just showing
John Barrowman my tits! Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What was nice about these two,
was that they were...
you saw a proper friendship build
whilst they were in there.
It was so lovely.
Yeah.
Holly thinks she's on This Morning.
LAUGHTER
John, didn't you have a unique plan,
erm, to stop bugs,
getting on you in the jungle?
What was...?
Oh, yeah, no, I shaved everything.
You shaved everything?
Yeah, I shaved all the hair
off my body before I went in. I did.
I remember. Remember I...
You mean you shaved your minge?
Everything. Yes, I shaved my minge.
I shaved my man-minge.
Holly, in the jungle,
did you shave your minge?
Yes, that's exactly what I did (!)
LAUGHTER
I was not taking any chances,
down under, literally.
We've got some microscopic,
erm, footage
of Holly's minge in the jungle,
actually.
I'm sure you have.
Let's see what it looked like.
Oh, God!
AUDIENCE GROAN
They're bad as my knickers.
Oh, that's no good.
That is so gross.
Emily, when you were in the jungle,
you revealed that you fancied
Lumiere from Beauty And The Beast?
Oh, yeah! What is it about L...
There's Lumiere.
Look at him, he's fit.
He's a candlestick.
What was it?
Is it because Lumiere can provide
two in the stink,
and one in the pink?
What?! Eurgh!
Come on!
That'd be a bit fiery, wouldn't it?
Because you're a good friend
of mine, erm, I've got you a gift.
SHE GASPS
Have you? It's...
it's a Lumiere-style gift.
Oh, no. Is it?
Yeah, you're gonna like this.
You can take that home with you.
EMILY LAUGHS
# Tale as old as time... #
Thank you so much!
Oh, it's lovely.
Thank you so much.
That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.
I'll just pop him down there.
LAUGHTER
Actually, sit him in the middle,
we can all get shagged.
Howard, have you ever
been walking down t'street,
and someone's hit you with an object
and said, "Take that!"?
LAUGHTER
No. I've been lucky.
Well, you're gonna enjoy this game.
So, let's play...
# Hit me with your rhythm stick. #
Take That, you mug!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, as you can see,
I'm here in the Take That arena.
It's smaller than the arenas
you normally play in,
but it's still gonna be
very exciting,
cos what's gonna happen is, erm,
I've made
some special blindfolding goggles...
LAUGHTER
You're gonna put those on... OK.
..then, from this box,
I'm gonna hit you
and say the words, "Take that!",
and you have to tell me,
just by the sense of touch
what you're being hit with.
OK. OK, put the goggles on,
let's see what happens.
Yep, you can't see, can you?
Over the top.
All you can see is brown tape, yeah?
Yeah, that's it.
Right, right, OK.
This is the first item. Here we go.
If you're playing this at home,
that's what it is.
Ha-ha, I've ruined your life! OK.
Are you ready? Go on.
OK.
Take that!
Take that, you pig!
HOWARD LAUGHS
Take that, you daft twat!
Take that!
I'll give you a clue,
it's brown and wood-ish.
What is?
Take that!
It's a stick. It's a stick!
APPLAUSE
That's a point for your team.
For you guys at home,
this is what it is.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Jesus! Ready?
You're not taking a long run-up,
are you?
Take that, you shiny bastard!
HOWARD LAUGHS
Take that, you dickhead!
Ah!
You fucking loser, take that!
Not the face. Erm, that's
obviously something big and furry.
Yes, yes. Yes?
It's a little bit damp.
LAUGHTER
Erm, No, it feels...
It feels like some sort of
stuffed bear or something.
Stuffed bear, stuffed bear,
stuffed bear. Nearly there.
Teddy bear, teddy bear?
Nearly there. Erm...
PADDY: Woof!
A dog.
Yes, it's a stuffed dog!
APPLAUSE
This one's too heavy,
I can't pick it up.
Oh, come on, what's that...?
I don't like that.
I'll go gentle. I won't hit you.
JOHN CHOKES WITH LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Oh,
you're making me very nervous now.
LAUGHTER
Take that.
Oh, my, oh, my!
What is it? What is it, Howard?
Is it a penis? No.
Bloody hell! It's like a penis,
it's part of the family...
of the penis family,
but it's not the penis.
JOHN: Lower!
Bollocks! Yes!
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You'll get nowhere here.
Now, if I was to say to you nothing,
and just went...
LAUGHTER
..you'd automatically know
that it's Mark Wright!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was it like doing The Bachelor?
It was good. It was fun.
Yeah, yeah.
Had a good time.
Did some of the ladies
fancy you more than the bachelor?
Of course, but... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That's inevitable.
Have you been out with him
after The Bachelor?
Yes, I have, yeah.
Have you introduced him to Arg,
more importantly? No.
Have you hooked up with Arg
since you've been back to the UK?
I saw him yesterday.
Yeah? Is he good? Yeah, he's good.
I tell you what,
I'll give you a point for your team
if you phone Arg now.
Get him on t'phone.
Oh, we all love that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Easy point. Easy point.
Look at that.
Are you FaceTime?
Come on, Arg.
ARG: 'Wright!'
He's on, he's on, the boy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hang on.
He's got his top off.
He's having a shit!
LAUGHTER
INDISTINCT
He's having a shit!
LAUGHTER
Why does he look like
he's hanging upside down?
Look, he looks like
he's hanging upside down.
LAUGHTER
He's actually having a shit!
He is having a shit!
He's on the toilet...
You're on the toilet, lad!
Two points for your team
if Arg shows you his arse!
Show us your arse.
Show us your crack!
LAUGHTER
He can't.
Aw!
Gemma's licking it, he can't.
LAUGHTER
No!
I'll see you later!
LAUGHTER
No! No!
BUZZER
Oh, shit! What's that?
Is that...? Mark, have you
ever heard of the Big Red Blob?
HE CHUCKLES
No.
You've not
heard of the Big Red Blob?
I think I have, but I don't
really wanna say if I have.
What is the Big Red Blob, then?
It's when you're on the blob, innit?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that Big Red Blob.
No, I don't know.
That's disgusting!
No.
I don't know. No.
It's an angry monster.
Oh, OK.
It comes alive, and apparently...
Has it got into the studio?
That's what that... Oh, shit, so...
What we can have to do is,
we're gonna have to play...
The Big Red Blob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
As you can see,
I'm here with The Big Red Blob,
I don't wanna get close to it
because, apparently,
if you stick around it too long,
you get really angry and irrational.
And so what you've got to do
is protect the human race
and put this in the containment unit
over there.
You've got to do this with your
team partners, here and here,
because this is highly corrosive
and will burn your skin.
How do we do it?
You do it in your mouth. Right.
You pass it via the mouth.
I have to take Holly's red blob
in my mouth?
Yes. OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
You will step
onto the skyscraper here,
where you will deposit
the red blob into John's mouth.
So, I've just got to drop it in
from a height?
Yes, drop it into his mouth. Oh.
Drop it into his mouth.
Whilst you're protecting
the schoolchildren here,
you will turn around and approach
the movie drive-in theatre here,
where you can see Emily
behind the cinema screen,
which is showing the movie...
With her big red blob.
..The Big Red Blob.
Then, you will drag it along here
and deposit it
into John's mouth again... Yeah.
..where he will deposit it
into the containment unit here,
thus saving the world.
But... But...
What?!
..you've got
to do it faster than the other team.
Oh. Oh, hang on a minute,
are we doing it as well?
YES!
LAUGHTER
You will go on the scream.
SCREAM
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go on, Holly!
Put it all the way in.
Just drop, really get close, drop.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Do we do it again?
Give it back, give it back!
She's got to drop it
into your mouth.
Got to drop it in. Drop it in.
Drop it in! Drop it now.
EMILY LAUGHS
PADDY: She's touching it!
Don't touch it!
Don't touch... Suck it in.
MARK: Suck it in!
Oh, no, you don't! Stand there.
EMILY SCREAMS
Oh, you have to go back!
You have to go back.
You have to go back.
Give it back to Holly.
I've got another one,
Eurgh, I don't know what to do!
Just put it...
CHEERING
Close your mouth. Close your mouth.
Close your mouth, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine! You'll be...
Get it in the bin,
get it in the bin!
JOHN MIMICS VOMITING,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Here's a blobby replay.
# Whatever I said, whatever I did,
I didn't mean it
# I just want you back for good
Want you back. #
OK, next up is Paddy's team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Howard,
you know what you got to do, yeah?
How is he first? I'm captain.
HOWARD CHUCKLES
He's first, he's from Take That,
where are you from?
Fucking Bolton?! Ridiculous!
LAUGHTER
On the scream, are you ready?
Three, two, one.
SCREAMING
PADDY GROANS,
INDISTINCT
Oh, no!
No! No, you have to put it back.
LAUGHTER
I'll give you another.
I'll give you another.
Argh!
Fuck off!
Right under, right under.
Chin up, chin up! Chin up!
LAUGHTER
Swap positions.
What do you mean, "Swap positions?"
Do it. Right, here, take it,
take it. Oh, my... Oh.
Paddy's got a small mouth.
PADDY RETCHES
Paddy's got a small mouth.
Drop it in.
Open wider. Wider!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Over the house, over the house.
Over the house! MARK: Huh?!
Over the house. Over the house.
They're on the house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In the container!
BUZZER,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Terrible, man.
Let's have a blobby replay.
# Stay close to me
# Hold on
Stay close to me
# Watch the world
Come alive tonight. #
Holly wins the prize!
CHEERING
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Boo-bing!
We're going into an ad break,
see you in three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break:
IMITATES WOBBLING
Don't answer,
just keep her doing it.
IMITATES WOBBLING,
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hoora-a-ay!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
APPLAUSE
Hey, Howard.
Is it true
that you can play the banana?
Play the banana?
I can play the one-note skin flute.
LAUGHTER
I've got footage of you
playing the banana.
Let's have a look at this.
MUSIC PLAYS
ON CAR RADIO
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've got a banana here, do you
think you can play us a tune now?
Go through the gate and play the
banana, let's see what happens.
Oh.
I love that gate.
I like that gate.
Howard, go through a gate
and play a banana.
OK.
CARLESS WHISPER SAX SOLO PLAYS,
AUDIENCE CHEER
Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Recognise!
Wow, skills, man.
Throw it here.
CHEERING
Are you... Are you...
Are you gonna do that?
AUDIENCE: Oh...
Don't "Oh", cos some of you do it
every Friday night.
LAUGHTER
Just a Friday?
LAUGHTER
Right.
Are you gonna...
Yeah, ready?
..make that disappear?
No, you're not.
Yeah.
CARELESS WHISPER SAX PLAYS
AUDIENCE SCREAM AND LAUGH
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not doing that!
Why do you think I've been married
for 25 years?
LAUGHTER
I got a bit of a semi then.
LAUGHTER
You don't know how happy
that makes me, Howard!
That's amazing!
Howard, you're about to present
a new car show
called Ignition Transmission...
Transmission Ignition.
What's it called?
It's called Mission Ignition.
Mission Ignition.
OK, what's the message?
LAUGHTER
Oh, here we go.
The message
is for entertainment... having.
Oh, that sounds like the format.
LAUGHTER
What's the message of the programme?
OK.
Um... Shall we just have a look
at a fucking clip?
Yeah, go on then.
Let's have a look at a fucking clip.
'Take two classic cars, one garage,
a load of tools
'and a devious mechanic
called Ralph.
'Two teams of amateurs are about to
put their wrenching skills
'to the ultimate test.
'We've completely unbolted
two classic cars,
'and the rules
could not be simpler.'
The first team
to put their car back together...
And start it...
..gets to keep it.
'Welcome to Mission Ignition.'
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow. Wow.
Wow.
In homage of Howard's fantastic
new auto motor vehicle programme,
let's play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, here we are,
coming to you pre-recorded
in Borehamwood Race Track
for We Can Rule The Road.
The racers are ready,
let's meet them.
John Barrowman on the wheelie bin.
How are you feeling?
I'm feelin' dirty! Have you ever
rode a wheelie bin before?
I've been in a wheelie bin before.
LAUGHING: You've been in one!
OK, let's speak to Howard.
He's riding on the armchair.
How're you feeling?
Oh, great. I'm ready.
You're into cars, aren't you?
What about armchairs?
No, I'm not into armchairs.
I think this is plastic,
it's not even leather.
No, no, it is leather, ssh.
LAUGHTER
OK, let me tell you
what you've got to do.
You've gotta come down here,
over the ramp.
You will go round the corner
where you will see all your fans,
then you will go round
the roundabout once,
past the zebra crossing,
where you will avoid the old lady,
into the studio.
The first one past the finishing
line win a point for your team.
You will go on my horn.
HORN BLASTS
JOHN SCREAMS
Off they go!
They're going with vigour,
look at the speed!
Look at it! It's like Star Wars!
Round the roundabout!
Round the roundabout once!
Round the roundabout once!
Oh! Howard's out of the chair!
Can he get back in?
Ooh, oh, they're crashing again!
They're crashing...
Oh, John's past it, he's going.
Oh, Howard's
having a bit of trouble there.
Come on, you can do it!
You can do it!
You've got it, you've got it!
Get out of the way, old woman!
Watch the old lady
on the zebra crossing.
Oh, look at that!
Look at the speed!
He's gotta try and catch up
with Barrowman.
Barrowman has entered the studio,
followed by Howard, here he comes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THEY SCREAM
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
HORN BLASTS
Eyy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not sure, but I think Barrowman
was the winner!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One, two, three...
AUDIENCE: Fabulous!
Emily, have you ever wondered
what happens in department stores
when everyone goes home
and they shut shop and lock up?
No.
Well, my mate Tony
works in a department store
here in Borehamwood,
and he's given me the keys
to go in there,
so let's play...
Ssh!
As you can see,
we're in Borehamwood's
number one department store,
House Of Jeff Brazier.
Apparently, magical things happen
at night when everyone's gone home.
Items come alive
and they express emotions,
which, coincidentally,
are the first letter of that item.
So, for example,
it might be a moody mirror.
Do you understand?
Yeah, so it could be like a, er...
Um, a total toilet?
No. No, no, it's gotta be something
that happens, OK, er...
A BLEEP cabinet.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, so, what we've gotta do in this
round is guess what the items are
and what emotion
they are expressing. Understand?
Hey, Mark. Have you ever
thought about kissing a man before?
No. OK. Have you?
Well, I've never been this
close to a man before.
I was just, you know,
thinking about experimenting.
LAUGHTER
Not with you. Ah, no, OK.
Like, I was just wondering if you'd
ever felt like kissing a man.
Me dad. You kiss your dad?
No, like, you know,
just to say goodbye.
Shut up, let's get on with it.
Get in, get in, ssh.
OK, what's this, what's this?
Oh, what's this? Argh!
A scared Transformer?
Right, scared. I know what it is.
He's popping up. Yeah,
what pops up, what is it?
Like, a toaster, all right, er...
Toaster... Terrified toaster!
Terrified toaster!
Argh. Argh. Ar-r-g-gh!
Argh. Argh.
Ar-r-g-gh!
A grumpy grinder? A grumpy grinder?
No, no, it's not a grumpy grinder.
Emily Atack going fucking crazy.
What is she doing?
Think about what the item is.
That looks like a fork to me,
she's got sticks coming out of it.
Yeah, fork, OK. Argh. Argh.
So she's angry or moody... Angry...
Furious fork! Yes!
You do that with your dad?
LAUGHTER
Shut up. Have you thought
about getting off with your mum?
No, but I'd get off with yours.
I think my mum would enjoy that.
Then ask her,
cos it might have already happened.
Am I your son?
Here's the next one.
Ooh, wow.
Don't answer,
just keep her doing it.
I like this next bit coming up.
Yep, more!
If you're a teenage boy at home
and your parents have gone out,
get your tissues,
this is my gift for you.
A sexy foot spa?
Flirty! Flirty foot spa!
Thanks, Holly, I really
enjoyed that.
Yeah, we're both not getting up
cos we've both got boners
after that last item.
And the scores at the end of that
round are... Mark, you do it.
Sha-ting!
We're going to an ad break,
we'll see you in three!
Coming up after t'break...
Arg is having a shit.
Gemma's eating his arsehole.
I'm fuckin' loving it.
Don't you start!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
Are you having a good time?
TEAM: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
TEAM: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Well, there's all to play for
in our final round,
it is the buzzer round!
CHEERING
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly,
what's your buzzer this week?
VOICE: Fabulous!
CHEERING
Paddy, what's your buzzer
this week?
VOICE: Emily Atack's Team!
Oh, shit.
That's before we decided
to go with you. Oh.
LAUGHTER
Savage!
I was wondering when that
little elephant in the room
was gonna crop up.
Oops-a-daisy.
OK, here's the first question.
Using just your thumb and your
forefinger, how deep is your love?
That's correct.
Yeah, good point, good point.
Who is Mark Wright waving at
in this picture?
Patrick's team? Arg.
Let's have a look.
He's waving to himself
in the mirror.
LAUGHTER
You prick.
LAUGHTER
How many fingers is John Barrowman
holding up?
Holly's team?
I think you're swearing at me,
aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's two. What do
you mean, got fired from America?
LAUGHTER
You started that rumour!
He worked so fucking hard
for that rumour not to have it.
I reckon he's got... eight.
Eight? Let's have a look.
It was ten!
No, it wasn't. His two thumbs.
His two thumbs, motherfucker.
Love that, Paddy.
That's a point to your team.
Yes!
Get in!
Come on! Have that, Willoughby.
When you're having sex,
you don't say,
"Stick your thumb in, love",
you say. "Stick your fingers in".
But I'm using my fingers,
I'm not using my thumbs.
What's that?!
Well, you're doing something wrong,
but you can do that, can't you?
It's not that, it's that.
LAUGHTER
Look at Barrowman, trying to be
polite with the old fingers.
You know you're like that...
LAUGHTER
How many fingers
is Emily holding up here?
Oh, yes.
Now, that's a strong four
and a thumb.
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, but when you've got
to get 100 cockroaches out of there,
you need...
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Paddy and Howard, you get a point
each if you can benchpress Mark.
Come on.
Together, together.
John's got a boner.
Lie across us, pal.
It's not like we haven't put
jelly in each other's mouths.
Can I put my arse there?
Go down softly.
Oh, look at this, girls!
Aw, you're a weight!
One, two, three. Go!
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
I'm all over that.
A point to whoever can do
the best Mark Wright impression.
Oh, fuck.
'Girls' team!'
Can you do it down camera one?
Oh, for fuck off.
"Oh, for fuck off"?
LAUGHTER
Arg is having a shit.
LAUGHTER
Gemma's eating his arsehole.
LAUGHTER
I'm fucking loving it.
LAUGHTER
Holly, don't you start.
Don't you start!
KLAXON
There's the buzzer.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's
Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that
the winning team is...
It's his first show as team captain
on Celebrity Juice,
the winner is Holly's team!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's scandalous.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Everything Changes'
by Take That
# We're 1,000 miles apart
But you know I love you
# Everything changes but you
# You know every single day
I'll be thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# We're 1,000 miles apart
But I still love you... #
LAUGHTER
# Every single day
Thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# You know, every single day
I'll be thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# I'll be thinking about you... #
Subtitles by TVT
'These are the brand-new titles
for Celebrity Juice.
'There's Holly on the Big Dipper.
Oh-ho!
'We're going inside me head,
into me brain.'
OINKING
'Woo-hoo-hoo!
'There's a new team captain,
Paddy McGuinness.
INDISTINCT
'He can't swim.
'No, I've not really
turned into a massive fairground,
'it's just another
over-the-top metaphor
'for how ace this telly show is.
'What is this telly show?
'It's Celebrity Juice on telly,
now in full VR.
'It's not really in VR,
but it'd be good, though.'
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE CONTINUES
Hurra-a-a-ah!
Hurra-a-a-a-a-ah!
Hello, I am Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's really exciting because
we've got a new team captain,
but before we meet that person,
let's meet the sexiest woman on TV,
it's Holly Willoughboozy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
Holly, who's on your team?
Well, I have
a very jungley team tonight,
which makes me super excited.
There's only one word
to describe this man: Fabulous!
John Barrowman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
On my left, she is beautiful
and equally as fabulous,
it's Emily Atack!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm so happy.
I am.
It's like a reunion.
# All the girls in the house say
# Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh! #
LAUGHTER
Why am I better at it
than those two?
I wonder (?)
LAUGHTER
Holly? Yeah?
Are you excited
to find out
who the new team captain is?
Yeah, I mean, I think
I might have a bit of an idea.
No, no, that's a secret.
I haven't told anyone... Ah.
..so let's meet
our secret new team captain,
welcome him to Celebrity Juice.
I'm gonna
go over to the desk right now.
Erm, can we pixelate the faces
of the people that are on?
We've had the person
hidden in a box, erm, for two days.
Here they are, in this box.
I'm gonna give you some
clues at home,
see if you can guess who they are.
Our first clue.
PADDY'S VOICE: 'Before we do
anything, everyone knows it's me.'
LAUGHTER
So, what we've done,
like on Crimewatch,
we've changed their voice,
so you can't guess who it is.
'It's... it's been in the papers
for a month.
'I've got... I've got a massive "P"
on the front of the desk.'
Who could it be?
LAUGHTER
Let's have our first clue.
Magic.
It's a light bulb.
That's the first clue.
Who could it be?
What does that mean?
'No lighty, you dickhead!'
LAUGHTER
It's the final clue.
'Really?!'
Here's a picture
of Patrick McGuinness.
Who could it be? Who could it be?
It's got to be, actually...
No, John Barrowman, it is indeed...
Patrick McGuinness.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Surprise!
Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Phew!
A-a-a-a-h!
Paddy, it's so nice to have you.
I feel like you were part of
the Celebrity Juice family anyway.
I was on the first ever... You were.
I've done them all, haven't I? Yeah.
You know what I like?
HOLLY!
What? What?
Shh!
I feel like you were part of the
Celebrity Juice family anyway.
LAUGHTER
We've got you a special gift
to welcome you here
to Celebrity Juice. Really?
We've got you a gate.
A what?!
A gate. A gate.
You've got me a gate?
Yeah, try it out. Come through it.
Are you taking the piss?!
They said,
"What shall we get Patrick
"to welcome him to Celebrity Juice?"
And Holly had the great idea
of a gate. Er, but...
Oh, she can't remember
cos she were drunk.
But she said:
DRUNKENLY: "Let's get Paddy a gate.
"He loves gates."
It's not even got a wall. Hey?
You just walk round it.
No, walk through it,
see what happens.
That way or that way?
As you would come into something.
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
KEITH CHUCKLES
Patrick McGuinness,
who's on your team?
Ladies, form a queue...
LAUGHTER
..cos on me left... is Mark Wright.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Girls, there's more...
cos on me right,
he's normally on Mark's... left,
and Gary's... right,
it's Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Never forget
where you've come here from
# Never pretend
that it's all real. #
This is what... Yes!
Wow!
It's the first time
we've had anyone from Take That
on Celebrity Juice.
How is the rest of Take That?
Yeah, all good?
No, good. I've just
come from rehearsals. Yeah?
Got here about an hour ago.
For the new tour? For the new tour.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What's the tour called?
Odyssey. Odyssey.
It's celebrating
30 years of Take That.
Wow! 30 years?!
Love it!
30 years! 30 years.
It's getting harder.
Shit! Is it? It's getting harder.
It's getting harder, yeah.
It's quite physical.
Is it?
You've still got some moves, yeah?
I've still got a few.
If we drop some dirty beat,
can you do a few?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You know, I'll give it a go.
I need to warm up. Yeah.
Limber up. Limber up.
AUDIENCE CHANT: Howard,
Howard, Howard!
Howard, Howard, Howard!
MUSIC: 'Only Takes A Minute Girl'
by Take That.
Louder! The beat!
Oh! Oh, yes!
Whoa!
CHEERING
Go! Oh, yes!
# It only takes a minute, girl. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Barrowman, can you break dance?
No. Oh.
You fucking can!
Let's have a dirty beat!
# It only takes a minute, girl
# Only takes a minute, girl
# To fall
It only takes a minute, girl
# Only takes a minute, girl. #
Fabulous!
Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
Oh, my God, Oh, my God!
KEITH LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY
My nuts just went
right up into my stomach there.
Howard, there we've got a picture
of you and the guys back in the day.
Let's have a look at this.
Oh, come on. There you are.
CHEERING
Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Back when Gary used to be an albino.
LAUGHTER
Such babies.
You were total poon magnets,
weren't you?
HOWARD LAUGHS
We've got another picture.
Oh. There you were.
That's when you wouldn't let
Mark have a go on the motorbike.
KEITH AS MARK: Oh, let me have a go
on the bike, you BLEEP!
You were the first, erm,
gay group, though, wasn't you?
HOWARD LAUGHS
Yeah. Yeah.
# Do what you like
Do what you like
# You don't need to tell me
# Do what you like
# Do what you like.
# Love you tonight. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That took us,
between the five of us,
over three nights
to collect that amount of jizz.
# We were holding back the flood
# They said
we'd never dance again. #
AUDIENCE: Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's sexy as hell.
I would let her sniff my ass crack,
it's Emily Atack.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you.
How's it going?
Yeah, really good, thanks.
Lovely to see you. You look well.
Thank you.
Does that mean "well fed"?
My mum always says, if someone says,
"Oh, you look well",
it means they're sneakily
adding "fed" to the end of it.
No, normally I would go,
"Oh, you've put timber on."
Yeah, true. You look good,
Thanks, babe. Thanks.
And how has life been
since you've left the jungle?
It must be a total different life,
yeah? It's amazing.
Like, it's changed my life so much.
Literally, a few months ago,
I was sat in my pyjamas
eating crisps,
wondering what I was gonna do next.
What, literally?
Yeah. Honestly.
Anyone who's thinking about
going in the jungle,
would you say, "Do it"? Best thing
I've ever done in my life.
Best decision I've ever made. Yeah?
Yeah.
Wasn't she brilliant in the jungle,
though?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thanks. Thank you very much.
Big congratulations, Emily,
to you and John,
you were both brilliant.
We had a laugh, didn't we?
It was great fun.
We've got a picture of you.
Look at you.
Oh, yeah, me just showing
John Barrowman my tits! Yeah.
LAUGHTER
What was nice about these two,
was that they were...
you saw a proper friendship build
whilst they were in there.
It was so lovely.
Yeah.
Holly thinks she's on This Morning.
LAUGHTER
John, didn't you have a unique plan,
erm, to stop bugs,
getting on you in the jungle?
What was...?
Oh, yeah, no, I shaved everything.
You shaved everything?
Yeah, I shaved all the hair
off my body before I went in. I did.
I remember. Remember I...
You mean you shaved your minge?
Everything. Yes, I shaved my minge.
I shaved my man-minge.
Holly, in the jungle,
did you shave your minge?
Yes, that's exactly what I did (!)
LAUGHTER
I was not taking any chances,
down under, literally.
We've got some microscopic,
erm, footage
of Holly's minge in the jungle,
actually.
I'm sure you have.
Let's see what it looked like.
Oh, God!
AUDIENCE GROAN
They're bad as my knickers.
Oh, that's no good.
That is so gross.
Emily, when you were in the jungle,
you revealed that you fancied
Lumiere from Beauty And The Beast?
Oh, yeah! What is it about L...
There's Lumiere.
Look at him, he's fit.
He's a candlestick.
What was it?
Is it because Lumiere can provide
two in the stink,
and one in the pink?
What?! Eurgh!
Come on!
That'd be a bit fiery, wouldn't it?
Because you're a good friend
of mine, erm, I've got you a gift.
SHE GASPS
Have you? It's...
it's a Lumiere-style gift.
Oh, no. Is it?
Yeah, you're gonna like this.
You can take that home with you.
EMILY LAUGHS
# Tale as old as time... #
Thank you so much!
Oh, it's lovely.
Thank you so much.
That is the nicest thing
anyone has ever done for me.
I'll just pop him down there.
LAUGHTER
Actually, sit him in the middle,
we can all get shagged.
Howard, have you ever
been walking down t'street,
and someone's hit you with an object
and said, "Take that!"?
LAUGHTER
No. I've been lucky.
Well, you're gonna enjoy this game.
So, let's play...
# Hit me with your rhythm stick. #
Take That, you mug!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, as you can see,
I'm here in the Take That arena.
It's smaller than the arenas
you normally play in,
but it's still gonna be
very exciting,
cos what's gonna happen is, erm,
I've made
some special blindfolding goggles...
LAUGHTER
You're gonna put those on... OK.
..then, from this box,
I'm gonna hit you
and say the words, "Take that!",
and you have to tell me,
just by the sense of touch
what you're being hit with.
OK. OK, put the goggles on,
let's see what happens.
Yep, you can't see, can you?
Over the top.
All you can see is brown tape, yeah?
Yeah, that's it.
Right, right, OK.
This is the first item. Here we go.
If you're playing this at home,
that's what it is.
Ha-ha, I've ruined your life! OK.
Are you ready? Go on.
OK.
Take that!
Take that, you pig!
HOWARD LAUGHS
Take that, you daft twat!
Take that!
I'll give you a clue,
it's brown and wood-ish.
What is?
Take that!
It's a stick. It's a stick!
APPLAUSE
That's a point for your team.
For you guys at home,
this is what it is.
LAUGHTER
Oh, Jesus! Ready?
You're not taking a long run-up,
are you?
Take that, you shiny bastard!
HOWARD LAUGHS
Take that, you dickhead!
Ah!
You fucking loser, take that!
Not the face. Erm, that's
obviously something big and furry.
Yes, yes. Yes?
It's a little bit damp.
LAUGHTER
Erm, No, it feels...
It feels like some sort of
stuffed bear or something.
Stuffed bear, stuffed bear,
stuffed bear. Nearly there.
Teddy bear, teddy bear?
Nearly there. Erm...
PADDY: Woof!
A dog.
Yes, it's a stuffed dog!
APPLAUSE
This one's too heavy,
I can't pick it up.
Oh, come on, what's that...?
I don't like that.
I'll go gentle. I won't hit you.
JOHN CHOKES WITH LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Oh,
you're making me very nervous now.
LAUGHTER
Take that.
Oh, my, oh, my!
What is it? What is it, Howard?
Is it a penis? No.
Bloody hell! It's like a penis,
it's part of the family...
of the penis family,
but it's not the penis.
JOHN: Lower!
Bollocks! Yes!
LAUGHTER
Oh!
Ladies and gentlemen, Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You'll get nowhere here.
Now, if I was to say to you nothing,
and just went...
LAUGHTER
..you'd automatically know
that it's Mark Wright!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What was it like doing The Bachelor?
It was good. It was fun.
Yeah, yeah.
Had a good time.
Did some of the ladies
fancy you more than the bachelor?
Of course, but... Yeah.
LAUGHTER
That's inevitable.
Have you been out with him
after The Bachelor?
Yes, I have, yeah.
Have you introduced him to Arg,
more importantly? No.
Have you hooked up with Arg
since you've been back to the UK?
I saw him yesterday.
Yeah? Is he good? Yeah, he's good.
I tell you what,
I'll give you a point for your team
if you phone Arg now.
Get him on t'phone.
Oh, we all love that.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Easy point. Easy point.
Look at that.
Are you FaceTime?
Come on, Arg.
ARG: 'Wright!'
He's on, he's on, the boy.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hang on.
He's got his top off.
He's having a shit!
LAUGHTER
INDISTINCT
He's having a shit!
LAUGHTER
Why does he look like
he's hanging upside down?
Look, he looks like
he's hanging upside down.
LAUGHTER
He's actually having a shit!
He is having a shit!
He's on the toilet...
You're on the toilet, lad!
Two points for your team
if Arg shows you his arse!
Show us your arse.
Show us your crack!
LAUGHTER
He can't.
Aw!
Gemma's licking it, he can't.
LAUGHTER
No!
I'll see you later!
LAUGHTER
No! No!
BUZZER
Oh, shit! What's that?
Is that...? Mark, have you
ever heard of the Big Red Blob?
HE CHUCKLES
No.
You've not
heard of the Big Red Blob?
I think I have, but I don't
really wanna say if I have.
What is the Big Red Blob, then?
It's when you're on the blob, innit?
Oh, no, no, no.
Not that Big Red Blob.
No, I don't know.
That's disgusting!
No.
I don't know. No.
It's an angry monster.
Oh, OK.
It comes alive, and apparently...
Has it got into the studio?
That's what that... Oh, shit, so...
What we can have to do is,
we're gonna have to play...
The Big Red Blob.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
As you can see,
I'm here with The Big Red Blob,
I don't wanna get close to it
because, apparently,
if you stick around it too long,
you get really angry and irrational.
And so what you've got to do
is protect the human race
and put this in the containment unit
over there.
You've got to do this with your
team partners, here and here,
because this is highly corrosive
and will burn your skin.
How do we do it?
You do it in your mouth. Right.
You pass it via the mouth.
I have to take Holly's red blob
in my mouth?
Yes. OK.
AUDIENCE LAUGH AND GROAN
You will step
onto the skyscraper here,
where you will deposit
the red blob into John's mouth.
So, I've just got to drop it in
from a height?
Yes, drop it into his mouth. Oh.
Drop it into his mouth.
Whilst you're protecting
the schoolchildren here,
you will turn around and approach
the movie drive-in theatre here,
where you can see Emily
behind the cinema screen,
which is showing the movie...
With her big red blob.
..The Big Red Blob.
Then, you will drag it along here
and deposit it
into John's mouth again... Yeah.
..where he will deposit it
into the containment unit here,
thus saving the world.
But... But...
What?!
..you've got
to do it faster than the other team.
Oh. Oh, hang on a minute,
are we doing it as well?
YES!
LAUGHTER
You will go on the scream.
SCREAM
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go on, Holly!
Put it all the way in.
Just drop, really get close, drop.
AUDIENCE GROANS
Do we do it again?
Give it back, give it back!
She's got to drop it
into your mouth.
Got to drop it in. Drop it in.
Drop it in! Drop it now.
EMILY LAUGHS
PADDY: She's touching it!
Don't touch it!
Don't touch... Suck it in.
MARK: Suck it in!
Oh, no, you don't! Stand there.
EMILY SCREAMS
Oh, you have to go back!
You have to go back.
You have to go back.
Give it back to Holly.
I've got another one,
Eurgh, I don't know what to do!
Just put it...
CHEERING
Close your mouth. Close your mouth.
Close your mouth, you'll be fine.
You'll be fine! You'll be...
Get it in the bin,
get it in the bin!
JOHN MIMICS VOMITING,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
BUZZER
Here's a blobby replay.
# Whatever I said, whatever I did,
I didn't mean it
# I just want you back for good
Want you back. #
OK, next up is Paddy's team.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, Howard,
you know what you got to do, yeah?
How is he first? I'm captain.
HOWARD CHUCKLES
He's first, he's from Take That,
where are you from?
Fucking Bolton?! Ridiculous!
LAUGHTER
On the scream, are you ready?
Three, two, one.
SCREAMING
PADDY GROANS,
INDISTINCT
Oh, no!
No! No, you have to put it back.
LAUGHTER
I'll give you another.
I'll give you another.
Argh!
Fuck off!
Right under, right under.
Chin up, chin up! Chin up!
LAUGHTER
Swap positions.
What do you mean, "Swap positions?"
Do it. Right, here, take it,
take it. Oh, my... Oh.
Paddy's got a small mouth.
PADDY RETCHES
Paddy's got a small mouth.
Drop it in.
Open wider. Wider!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
Over the house, over the house.
Over the house! MARK: Huh?!
Over the house. Over the house.
They're on the house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In the container!
BUZZER,
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Terrible, man.
Let's have a blobby replay.
# Stay close to me
# Hold on
Stay close to me
# Watch the world
Come alive tonight. #
Holly wins the prize!
CHEERING
And the scores
at the end of that round are...
Boo-bing!
We're going into an ad break,
see you in three.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break:
IMITATES WOBBLING
Don't answer,
just keep her doing it.
IMITATES WOBBLING,
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hoora-a-ay!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
APPLAUSE
Hey, Howard.
Is it true
that you can play the banana?
Play the banana?
I can play the one-note skin flute.
LAUGHTER
I've got footage of you
playing the banana.
Let's have a look at this.
MUSIC PLAYS
ON CAR RADIO
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've got a banana here, do you
think you can play us a tune now?
Go through the gate and play the
banana, let's see what happens.
Oh.
I love that gate.
I like that gate.
Howard, go through a gate
and play a banana.
OK.
CARLESS WHISPER SAX SOLO PLAYS,
AUDIENCE CHEER
Howard Donald!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Recognise!
Wow, skills, man.
Throw it here.
CHEERING
Are you... Are you...
Are you gonna do that?
AUDIENCE: Oh...
Don't "Oh", cos some of you do it
every Friday night.
LAUGHTER
Just a Friday?
LAUGHTER
Right.
Are you gonna...
Yeah, ready?
..make that disappear?
No, you're not.
Yeah.
CARELESS WHISPER SAX PLAYS
AUDIENCE SCREAM AND LAUGH
APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not doing that!
Why do you think I've been married
for 25 years?
LAUGHTER
I got a bit of a semi then.
LAUGHTER
You don't know how happy
that makes me, Howard!
That's amazing!
Howard, you're about to present
a new car show
called Ignition Transmission...
Transmission Ignition.
What's it called?
It's called Mission Ignition.
Mission Ignition.
OK, what's the message?
LAUGHTER
Oh, here we go.
The message
is for entertainment... having.
Oh, that sounds like the format.
LAUGHTER
What's the message of the programme?
OK.
Um... Shall we just have a look
at a fucking clip?
Yeah, go on then.
Let's have a look at a fucking clip.
'Take two classic cars, one garage,
a load of tools
'and a devious mechanic
called Ralph.
'Two teams of amateurs are about to
put their wrenching skills
'to the ultimate test.
'We've completely unbolted
two classic cars,
'and the rules
could not be simpler.'
The first team
to put their car back together...
And start it...
..gets to keep it.
'Welcome to Mission Ignition.'
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Wow. Wow.
Wow.
In homage of Howard's fantastic
new auto motor vehicle programme,
let's play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, here we are,
coming to you pre-recorded
in Borehamwood Race Track
for We Can Rule The Road.
The racers are ready,
let's meet them.
John Barrowman on the wheelie bin.
How are you feeling?
I'm feelin' dirty! Have you ever
rode a wheelie bin before?
I've been in a wheelie bin before.
LAUGHING: You've been in one!
OK, let's speak to Howard.
He's riding on the armchair.
How're you feeling?
Oh, great. I'm ready.
You're into cars, aren't you?
What about armchairs?
No, I'm not into armchairs.
I think this is plastic,
it's not even leather.
No, no, it is leather, ssh.
LAUGHTER
OK, let me tell you
what you've got to do.
You've gotta come down here,
over the ramp.
You will go round the corner
where you will see all your fans,
then you will go round
the roundabout once,
past the zebra crossing,
where you will avoid the old lady,
into the studio.
The first one past the finishing
line win a point for your team.
You will go on my horn.
HORN BLASTS
JOHN SCREAMS
Off they go!
They're going with vigour,
look at the speed!
Look at it! It's like Star Wars!
Round the roundabout!
Round the roundabout once!
Round the roundabout once!
Oh! Howard's out of the chair!
Can he get back in?
Ooh, oh, they're crashing again!
They're crashing...
Oh, John's past it, he's going.
Oh, Howard's
having a bit of trouble there.
Come on, you can do it!
You can do it!
You've got it, you've got it!
Get out of the way, old woman!
Watch the old lady
on the zebra crossing.
Oh, look at that!
Look at the speed!
He's gotta try and catch up
with Barrowman.
Barrowman has entered the studio,
followed by Howard, here he comes.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
THEY SCREAM
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE
HORN BLASTS
Eyy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm not sure, but I think Barrowman
was the winner!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
One, two, three...
AUDIENCE: Fabulous!
Emily, have you ever wondered
what happens in department stores
when everyone goes home
and they shut shop and lock up?
No.
Well, my mate Tony
works in a department store
here in Borehamwood,
and he's given me the keys
to go in there,
so let's play...
Ssh!
As you can see,
we're in Borehamwood's
number one department store,
House Of Jeff Brazier.
Apparently, magical things happen
at night when everyone's gone home.
Items come alive
and they express emotions,
which, coincidentally,
are the first letter of that item.
So, for example,
it might be a moody mirror.
Do you understand?
Yeah, so it could be like a, er...
Um, a total toilet?
No. No, no, it's gotta be something
that happens, OK, er...
A BLEEP cabinet.
LAUGHTER
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OK, so, what we've gotta do in this
round is guess what the items are
and what emotion
they are expressing. Understand?
Hey, Mark. Have you ever
thought about kissing a man before?
No. OK. Have you?
Well, I've never been this
close to a man before.
I was just, you know,
thinking about experimenting.
LAUGHTER
Not with you. Ah, no, OK.
Like, I was just wondering if you'd
ever felt like kissing a man.
Me dad. You kiss your dad?
No, like, you know,
just to say goodbye.
Shut up, let's get on with it.
Get in, get in, ssh.
OK, what's this, what's this?
Oh, what's this? Argh!
A scared Transformer?
Right, scared. I know what it is.
He's popping up. Yeah,
what pops up, what is it?
Like, a toaster, all right, er...
Toaster... Terrified toaster!
Terrified toaster!
Argh. Argh. Ar-r-g-gh!
Argh. Argh.
Ar-r-g-gh!
A grumpy grinder? A grumpy grinder?
No, no, it's not a grumpy grinder.
Emily Atack going fucking crazy.
What is she doing?
Think about what the item is.
That looks like a fork to me,
she's got sticks coming out of it.
Yeah, fork, OK. Argh. Argh.
So she's angry or moody... Angry...
Furious fork! Yes!
You do that with your dad?
LAUGHTER
Shut up. Have you thought
about getting off with your mum?
No, but I'd get off with yours.
I think my mum would enjoy that.
Then ask her,
cos it might have already happened.
Am I your son?
Here's the next one.
Ooh, wow.
Don't answer,
just keep her doing it.
I like this next bit coming up.
Yep, more!
If you're a teenage boy at home
and your parents have gone out,
get your tissues,
this is my gift for you.
A sexy foot spa?
Flirty! Flirty foot spa!
Thanks, Holly, I really
enjoyed that.
Yeah, we're both not getting up
cos we've both got boners
after that last item.
And the scores at the end of that
round are... Mark, you do it.
Sha-ting!
We're going to an ad break,
we'll see you in three!
Coming up after t'break...
Arg is having a shit.
Gemma's eating his arsehole.
I'm fuckin' loving it.
Don't you start!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
Are you having a good time?
TEAM: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
TEAM: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
Well, there's all to play for
in our final round,
it is the buzzer round!
CHEERING
Buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Holly,
what's your buzzer this week?
VOICE: Fabulous!
CHEERING
Paddy, what's your buzzer
this week?
VOICE: Emily Atack's Team!
Oh, shit.
That's before we decided
to go with you. Oh.
LAUGHTER
Savage!
I was wondering when that
little elephant in the room
was gonna crop up.
Oops-a-daisy.
OK, here's the first question.
Using just your thumb and your
forefinger, how deep is your love?
That's correct.
Yeah, good point, good point.
Who is Mark Wright waving at
in this picture?
Patrick's team? Arg.
Let's have a look.
He's waving to himself
in the mirror.
LAUGHTER
You prick.
LAUGHTER
How many fingers is John Barrowman
holding up?
Holly's team?
I think you're swearing at me,
aren't you? Yeah.
Yeah, I think it's two. What do
you mean, got fired from America?
LAUGHTER
You started that rumour!
He worked so fucking hard
for that rumour not to have it.
I reckon he's got... eight.
Eight? Let's have a look.
It was ten!
No, it wasn't. His two thumbs.
His two thumbs, motherfucker.
Love that, Paddy.
That's a point to your team.
Yes!
Get in!
Come on! Have that, Willoughby.
When you're having sex,
you don't say,
"Stick your thumb in, love",
you say. "Stick your fingers in".
But I'm using my fingers,
I'm not using my thumbs.
What's that?!
Well, you're doing something wrong,
but you can do that, can't you?
It's not that, it's that.
LAUGHTER
Look at Barrowman, trying to be
polite with the old fingers.
You know you're like that...
LAUGHTER
How many fingers
is Emily holding up here?
Oh, yes.
Now, that's a strong four
and a thumb.
LAUGHTER
I'm sorry, but when you've got
to get 100 cockroaches out of there,
you need...
GROANS AND LAUGHTER
Paddy and Howard, you get a point
each if you can benchpress Mark.
Come on.
Together, together.
John's got a boner.
Lie across us, pal.
It's not like we haven't put
jelly in each other's mouths.
Can I put my arse there?
Go down softly.
Oh, look at this, girls!
Aw, you're a weight!
One, two, three. Go!
Yes!
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
I'm all over that.
A point to whoever can do
the best Mark Wright impression.
Oh, fuck.
'Girls' team!'
Can you do it down camera one?
Oh, for fuck off.
"Oh, for fuck off"?
LAUGHTER
Arg is having a shit.
LAUGHTER
Gemma's eating his arsehole.
LAUGHTER
I'm fucking loving it.
LAUGHTER
Holly, don't you start.
Don't you start!
KLAXON
There's the buzzer.
That's the end of the buzzer round.
That's the end of this week's
Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that
the winning team is...
It's his first show as team captain
on Celebrity Juice,
the winner is Holly's team!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's scandalous.
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you through a window.
Let's dance!
MUSIC: 'Everything Changes'
by Take That
# We're 1,000 miles apart
But you know I love you
# Everything changes but you
# You know every single day
I'll be thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# We're 1,000 miles apart
But I still love you... #
LAUGHTER
# Every single day
Thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# You know, every single day
I'll be thinking 'bout you
# Everything changes but you
# I'll be thinking about you... #
Subtitles by TVT