Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 20, Episode 10 - Episode #20.10 - full transcript
IMITATES SANTA CLAUS:
'Hello, I'm Santa Claus,
'and check out
these Christmassy titles.
'Look, it's snowing!
'There's Holly Willoughboozy,
firing space lasers in the snow.
'And there's Fearne Cotton, riding
a big, dirty, cock-shaped spaceship.
'There's Gino D'Acampo,
firing Christmas puds.
'Here they all are, taking a selfie.
Online presence.
'They've made it to the studio for
the best telly show on television.
'What is that telly show?
'It's the Christmas Special
of Celebrity Juice. Not in 3D.
'Oh, I fucking wish it was, though!
Ho-ho-ho!'
MUSIC: 'Merry Xmas Everybody'
by Slade
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special. Ya-hoo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look lovely.
You've come as a star.
You can sit on me anytime you want.
LAUGHTER
No, thanks.
Fearne, who's on your team?
Well, on my left, he's looking fit
and elfy... it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Santa Claus is comin' to town... #
I love Christmas.
And also on my left,
looking fabulously Christmassy,
it's Courtney Act!
Hi!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my right, she's got the
X-mas Factor, it's Ayda Williams!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Let it go, let it go... #
Ah, hold up, it's Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy, who's on your team?
Well, I've got,
he's no Wise Man, it's Gino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Thank you.
Also on my right, she's the closest
Essex has to a virgin,
it's, mother of two, Stacey Solomon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
And on my left,
it's everyone's favourite
Christmas Carol, Carol Vorderman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE,
WHISTLING
Gino, you look like you're doing
Bruno Tonioli's winter look.
LAUGHTER
It's from the,
er, Home Alone movie thing.
You're Joe Pesci.
Yes.
Joe Pesci from Home Alone. Let's
split the screen, let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
JIMMY:
'I can, yeah, I can see it.'
Are you a big fan of Home Alone?
No, I want to know
why I'm not the captain.
Because you can't even say captain.
We just prefer Jimmy.
What's supposed to be
your stupid costume, anyway?
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
I'm...
LAUGHTER
I'm... I'm the Nutcracker.
Have we got a split screen?
Let's have a look at Jimmy
next to the Nutcracker.
LAUGHTER
FEARNE: 'That's great.'
What's weird,
the Nutcracker looks more human.
LAUGHTER
Carol Vorderman, hello.
Hello, you.
You've come as Mary Poppins.
I am Mary Poppins.
Let's have a look at you
next to the real Mary Poppins.
FEARNE:
'Yeah, that's great.'
Gino, you like Mary Poppins,
don't you?
I would love to go up
your chim chiminey, whatever it's...
LAUGHTER
You look fit.
Yes?
Practically perfect.
Ayda Williams!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice...
Thank you for having me.
It's been a while...
You're busy.
I'm a very busy lady.
What's it like being a judge
on the X Factor?
It's like, er, being at home,
but just with a smaller pay cheque.
I think we've got
a still of you here.
That's you at work, being a judge.
Yeah.
Do you get emotionally attached,
or is it all bullshit
and you don't give a shit?
Don't give a shit.
LAUGHTER
Um, no, I care...
You know, you get very attached
to the contestants.
Is there real rivalry
between you and Robbie...? 100%.
Yeah?
100%, I would like to take him down.
What's it like
working with your husband?
Because the sexual tension,
it must be weird.
It's weird with me and Fearne,
because we have sex sometimes.
I can feel it.
You can cut it with a knife.
There could not be any less tension
if they tried.
Well, it's amazing how much fucking
you can do in the ad breaks
on X Factor, so by the time
we get home... We're good to go.
How long have you been married now?
100 years.
100 years?
100 years.
Congratulations!
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
Is it true that,
when you got married, um,
you had dogs as bridesmaids?
We did have dogs as bridesmaids.
I think we've got a picture.
There you go.
What's the message?
LAUGHTER
That we have no friends.
LAUGHTER
On Loose Women, apparently,
you admitted
that you fake orgasm sometimes.
It's like the only kind of orgasm
I know how to have.
LAUGHTER
I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a point,
who can do the best fake orgasm?
I tend to go like that, brrr!
LAUGHTER
I just make an announcement
that I've arrived.
LAUGHTER
I've arrived, darling.
It's very polite.
That will be all now.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Imagine, Gino,
if Carol was your nana,
and you were, like, 16.
It would be horrible, wouldn't it?
Brrr!
LAUGHTER
For about two years, I really
didn't like Carol Vorderman.
Why?
I...
I'd done nothing to offend you.
No, no, no.
You came out with those fucking
Sudoku shit that people do...
LAUGHTER
My wife, instead of suck me off,
fucking Sudoku...
LAUGHTER
You're such an old romantic, Gino.
No, you know...
What does she do now, then?
Sorry?
As an excuse, what does she do now?
Fucking Candy Crush, now.
LAUGHTER
Carol, you do like Christmas,
though, don't you?
I LOVE Christmas.
You like sprouts, don't you?
I ADORE sprouts.
We've got a picture of you
enjoying some sprouts.
Here, on Juice,
we like to make dreams come true,
so we've got you
the world's largest Brussel sprout,
there, as a gift.
CAROL GASPS
MUSIC: 'Gala Performance'
by Laurie Johnson
APPLAUSE
I hate to break it to you,
that's a cabbage.
It's a cabbage.
It's not a cabbage,
Keith'd never do that to me.
He'd never lie to me about...
He will.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Stacey Solomon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas, Stacey.
Merry Christmas!
It's gonna be a special Christmas
for you, this year, innit?
Yes, why?
Because you've moved in
with Joe Swash...
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be lovely.
It's our first, ever,
together Christmas.
Exciting.
I'm so excited.
Don't you like to have sex
with the television on?
Who the hell said that? How do
you...? How do you know this stuff?
I read it somewhere. I don't know
if you've blurted it out...
I definitely didn't say that.
I mean, I don't mind,
either way, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
I like it if EastEnders is on,
and I try and finish on the drums.
LAUGHTER
Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom.
I honestly can say,
even if the telly's on,
I don't know what's on it.
But... Oh, what,
because Joe blows your mind?
Well, yeah, I'm not looking
at the telly, am I?
I don't know, I'm not there.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've gotta say,
I'm loving this look.
At Christmas time, Jimmy,
is it nice to spend time at home
with all your money?
LAUGHTER
I surround myself. I throw
a little bit on the fire. Ooh!
LAUGHTER
Lovely.
You've come as the Nutcracker...
Yes.
Should we put your
nut cracking skills to the test?
Oh, well, I think we should.
Then, let's play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Jimmy Carr:
The Nutcracker. As you can see,
Gino is now wearing some specialised
Christmas underpants.
Attached to the underpants
are some eggs.
He's gonna kick you in the nuts.
And for each egg that he breaks,
he gets a point for his team.
So, why did you not put nuts in it?
Why did you have to use eggs?
This is where I don't get it.
Cos...
He's the Nutcracker, otherwise
he would be called the egg-cracker.
LAUGHTER
It's just eggs on your nuts.
Christmas Special,
we just thought it'd be funny
to put eggs on your nuts.
Jimmy, what's your strategy
for this?
I think I'm gonna go for sort of
a kung fu sideways kick...
Are you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
LAUGHTER
What, kung fu...?
Er, what are you doing?
LAUGHTER
You just have to push the eggs.
OK? Fucking kung fu...
You're thinking about this too much.
Just push.
Have you got your period?
LAUGHTER
Jimmy, you're gonna go on the sound
of the Olympic beeps.
OK. I've got to crack all six?
Yeah. If you can.
OK.
BEEPS SOUND
Don't be silly.
GROANING
LAUGHTER
Are you for fucking real?
That's the most fun I've ever had
on television.
Here's an action replay.
GROANING,
LAUGHTER
JIMMY LAUGHS
Let's see how many are broken.
He's cumming everywhere.
LAUGHTER
He might have an infection.
I'd be amazed if any survived that.
Oh, is there one survived?
No, no, we don't.
LAUGHTER
That's five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How did this survive?
FEARNE: Can I do the last one?
No, thank you.
Let's see if you can get
the last one. Go on.
The pleasure.
Ah, I've been waiting to do this
for so long.
LAUGHTER
Ah, all those years
of you being a little wanker.
LAUGHTER
Remember,
whatever is behind the eggs,
I need them
between Christmas and New Year.
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Remember, it's Christmas.
There is no need...
Ah-ha!
LAUGHTER
GROANING
That was...
Oh, I'm afraid, no,
you didn't break it.
I've got to do it again?
No, we're not doing...
What, a fucking boiled egg in there?
LAUGHTER
We'll have to do it again.
Next up, it's Courtney Act!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'll give it a crack.
Look at his face.
Merry Christmas.
And a Happy New Year.
The Olympic beep.
BEEPS SOUND
Oh, wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very nice, very well done.
Very gentle.
That's a point for Courtney!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Gino D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... crack-ing!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's now time for
the ninth annual Lemon Awards!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
These awards are given out
to celebrities
who have entertained us
throughout 2018.
And they've been adjudicated
by the general public.
For a point for your team,
all you've got to do is tell us
who you think has won the award.
And first up, Fearne,
is your category,
and it is for Celebrity Couple
Of The Year.
And the nominees are...
Jack and little Dani Dyer,
for winning Love Island...
APPLAUSE
FEARNE: 'Yeah. We like them.'
..Stacey and Joe,
for finally moving in together...
FEARNE: 'Aw, bless them.'
..Prince Harry and Meghan Markle,
for getting married...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Seann Walsh and Katya,
for snogging in the street.
Those pair of kissers!
GROANING
Pair of kissers!
Well, that's really tough.
Who do you think the general public
nominated for the Lemon Award?
It's 50-50, innit?
THEY ALL TALK OVER
EACH OTHER
There's four options there.
Four options,
and you say it's 50-50? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You're a very special boy.
LAUGHTER
I beat ya, I beat ya.
Who'd you pick?
I reckon that Stacey and Joe.
Stacey and Joe.
Stacey and Joe, OK.
DRUM ROLL
OK, I can tell... Ooh!
LAUGHTER
I can tell you the winner is...
Prince Harry and Meghan...
getting married.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A celebrity couple.
Yeah.
They can't be with us tonight,
but they have sent us
a video message.
Have a look at this.
INDISTINCT GRUNTING,
LAUGHTER
As you can see,
I'm speechless, um, I, I...
It's so nice to receive this.
Meghan and I are overwhelmed.
Is there anything
you would like to say?
INDISTINCT
She said that she wants to do
the naughty on my royal willy,
so we're going back to the palace...
to do that.
And thank you for this award.
INDISTINCT GRUNTING
Dirty pig.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy, your category
is Dingbat Of The Year.
And the nominees are...
FEARNE: 'Gino! Sorry.'
..Theresa May, for her
incredible dance moves,
Justin Bieber, for growing a tash...
LAUGHTER
..KFC, for running out of chicken...
LAUGHTER
..and Nicki Minge-Out,
for her double nip-slip on stage.
I like... Theresa May.
What?
COURTNEY: What?
You're allowed to say that.
I mean, you can say the word BLEEP
on the show,
but I don't think you can say that.
What?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think KFC running out...
running out of chicken.
If you've got chicken in the title,
and you run out of chicken,
it's bad.
KFC?
KFC.
OK, I can reveal that the award
for Dingbat Of The Year goes to...
DRUM ROLL,
LAUGHTER
..KFC, for running out of chicken!
Come on!
CHEERING
'Come on!'
Unfortunately, nobody from KFC
could be here tonight
to receive the award,
because they were very busy... Aw!
..but, um,
we did manage to speak to a chicken
and they left us this message.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Y'all know me, I'm Colonel Sanders.
When I say, "Get in the bucket,"
the chicken
get in the motherfucking bucket.
You better run, you mother-plucker.
GUNFIRE,
SQUAWKING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fearne, next category's for you,
and that's
Celebrity No-Show Of The Year.
And the nominees are
Stormy Daniels, for pulling out
of Celebrity Big Brother,
Victoria Beckham, for not taking
part in the Spice Girls reunion,
Simon Cowell, for pulling out
as best man at his friend's wedding.
Bradley Walsh had to step in.
And Gino, for never turning up
to Celebrity Juice this series.
LAUGHTER
I mean, we're gonna miss out
your mate Simon Cowell.
I agree, take him out.
OK.
We're all excited
about the Spice Girls,
so we are a little bit sad
about Victoria Beckham,
so we think it might be that one.
DRUM ROLL
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY,
LAUGHTER
Ooh! That's correct,
it's Victoria Beckham!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We have got a VT,
have a look at this.
Hi, Vicky here,
sorry I couldn't be in the studio
to accept this award,
um, for No-Show,
but it's apt, really, isn't it,
that I couldn't show up, because
I wouldn't have won this award?
But, yeah, I couldn't
go on tour with the Spice Girls
because I was too busy
with my fashion line
and my perfect family life.
Speaking of which,
David, you going for those fucking
fish and chips, or what?!
SHE FARTS
Excuse me. Spice up your life,
you BLEEP.
SHE FARTS
Oops.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's a classy lady.
Next up, is Dramatic Performance
Of The Year, Jimmy.
Dramatic Performance Of The Year?
Yes. The nominees are
Nicolas Cage in Mandy,
Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury
in Bohemian Rhapsody,
Lady Gaga in Star Is Born,
or Roxanne Pallett
in Celebrity Big Brother house.
But who won the award
for Most Dramatic Performance?
Ooh.
It's gotta be...
It's gotta be.
It's gotta be Roxanne.
I don't know what...
Well, let Joey explain.
If anything needs explaining,
go to Joey.
Joey, what happened with Roxanne?
Mate, I don't have a clue
what anyone's talking about.
LAUGHTER
I ain't gonna lie.
You're saying Roxanne, then?
Yeah.
Oh, we think Roxanne. We think...
Let's see if... Ooh!
DRUM ROLL,
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
The award
for Best Dramatic Performance
goes to Roxanne Pallett
in the Celebrity Big Brother house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're not gonna believe this, er,
but she couldn't make it tonight,
but she has sent us a video.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
What a year it's been
and this is just
the icing on the cake.
I cannot believe it.
I'd like to say thanks to me mam,
thanks to God
and thanks to my fiance...
Ah, he hit me! He just hit me!
Did anyone see...?
You don't know what that felt like,
but, ah!
Honestly, ah, me back's killing.
SHE CRIES HYSTERICALLY
I can't be in the same place as him!
SHE CONTINUES CRYING
He's... Did you get that on camera?
Huh?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Roxanne Pallett, everyone!
And the scores, at the end
of that round, are... shat-ing!
We're going to an ad break now.
I'm going for a poo,
I'll see you in two!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
JIMMY:
'Oh, Jesus.'
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
Hey, it's Courtney Act, everyone!
Hi!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you. It's nice to be back.
You've got a Christmas special...
I have a Christmas special.
Tell us,
what is your Christmas special?
It's called The Courtney Act Show.
The Courtney Act Show.
When is it on?
It's gonna be on the 18th.
On where?
On Channel 4!
On Channel 4! What's the message?
The message is, I mean,
it is an old-school
Sonny and Cher variety special.
We've got dancing boys,
we've got dancing girls...
I love dancing boys
and dancing girls. Me too!
You've just finished hosting
a new show, called The Bi Life.
What happens in The Bi Life?
The Bi Life,
we took nine bisexual people...
And explain to Joey
about what that means.
Bisexual...
The Bi Life.
The Bi Life, as in bisexual.
Do you know what that means, Joey?
I thought you said "Dubai".
Not Dubai.
Not Dubai, no.
LAUGHTER
People who are attracted to men,
women, trans people,
non-binary people...
So, what are you doing,
in a nutshell?
I, er, well, I...
I don't know if I'd fit
in a nutshell, but, er...
Could be a lady place,
or a nutshell.
Exactly. You host it with a fella
called Shane. Let's have a look.
Oh, I look a little bit crazy there,
don't I?
Is that you?
That's me!
Is it really?
Yeah.
That's me cross-dressed as a man.
Don't worry, Joey.
Mummy's features, Daddy's fixtures.
Joey, do you know what...?
I'm proper confused,
I'm not gonna lie.
Are you confused, or curious?
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
Because I'm a little bit curious.
What was that you just said about
Daddy's features, Mummy's fixtures?
Mummy's features, Daddy's fixtures.
Well, I like that.
Ah, yeah.
I don't know if this is like
Dragons' Den, but I'm in.
LAUGHTER
How much?
I'll give you 70% of it,
for a pound.
Does anybody here identify
as a bisexual or a pansexual,
attracted to...
Or a what-sexual?!
A pansexual.
A pan...?
Meaning many.
A frying pan? Yeah.
"Pan" is Greek for many.
So, like, many different genders...
Oh, so you like everyone?
Yeah! You like everyone!
Yeah!
Do you like everyone?
Er, yeah, I like people, yeah.
Yeah, but...
Lucy, Joey Essex is pansexual!
No, no, no.
MUSIC: 'Real Love'
by Tom Odell
You look a bit daft.
What have you come as?
I'm Buddy out of Elf.
Yep.
We do have a split screen.
There he is.
FEARNE: 'That is my favourite
Christmas film!'
Joey,
why do people celebrate Christmas?
It's the happy time of the year.
It's family, it's, um, presents.
What do you think the main reason
is that they celebrate Christmas?
Because, um...
LAUGHTER
They're, like, the big, like,
all the, back in the day... Yeah.
What happened back in the day?
Back in the day, obviously,
all them, like, donkeys,
and all that... Yeah.
And Jesus and Mary,
and all that, started...
Is it because of Jesus?
They had a fire.
Great gang.
And they just had a fucking laugh,
mate. Right.
I'm a little bit fuzzy about it, but
can you talk me through the donkey?
Why's the donkey involved? I swear
there was a couple of donkeys.
There were donkeys.
But how were they involved?
I'm not clear on that.
I heard that the donkeys
carried a few of the...
..like, Jesuses, and all that...
Jesus, plural?
..to the barn.
What's the best thing
you've done this year,
to get you on the good list?
The best thing I've done this year
to get me on the good list? Hmm.
I've treated a few girls,
took them out, um...
I've been clubbing
with quite a few girls, as well.
I've treated someone to holidays...
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, I've done a few
quite nice gestures.
Treated myself to a holiday,
as well. Well, that's very nice!
Very generous!
I dunno what else. I dunno,
I bought a car,
bought a couple of cars.
Oh, that's...
For you?
For yourself?
For you? Yeah.
He's bought a couple of cars for
himself, he'll be on the good list.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy.
Yeah?
Last time you were on,
we played a brand-new game
called What's Come Down The Tube?
Can you remember the catchphrase?
What's come down...
AUDIENCE: ..the...
..tube? And do you know what,
we're gonna celebrate and play
a festive edition. So, let's play...
What's Come Down The Festive Tube?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
FEARNE: Live, pre-recorded
from a studio in Elstree,
it's time for
What's Come Down THE Festive Tube?
Please welcome your presenter
for this evening, Mr Keith Lemon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Hello!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: ..The...
..Festive Tube?
The show in which we don't only
just ask what's come down...
..the...
..festive tube,
but we also ask what's come down...
..the...
..festive tube!
LAUGHTER
All I will do
is deposit an item down the...
The!
Festive...
Ah, you fucked it. You fucked it.
It's because it's a shit saying.
It doesn't work.
Ah, but "the" is my favourite word.
Don't give them "the", give them
another one. Give them "tube".
I've got another word. Let's call
it "A". What's Come Down A Tube?
LAUGHTER
What's Come Down...
..A...
..Festive Tube?
Hurrah! First up, it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Step into Christmas
Let's join together... #
Kneel down on the love mat.
What, on my knees, yeah?
Yeah, on your knees.
Or whatever you kneel down on.
LAUGHTER
What the fuck are you gonna put
in my mouth?
Well, you've got to tell me.
FEARNE: That's the game.
Ready?
I'm not really,
I'm not on this shit, man.
OK, if you're playing this at home,
these are the items.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Fuck off, man!
I can't stand shit like this, man.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
Wash...
Washing it down with a bit of...
A bit of...
LAUGHTER
Here it comes.
What is that?
What is that? What is that?
LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE
Is it, is it?
LAUGHTER
Is it, is it dog food?
Dog food.
Christmas dog food.
Mince pie, mince pie.
It's not a mince pie, no.
Er...
Turkey?
Did it taste of fish?
No, mate, it taste like sick.
LAUGHTER
I dunno what it is.
Have a guess.
Ah, I'm guessing, man.
What sort of fish do you have
at Christmas time?
Um. Um... mackerel.
Mackerel, mackerel.
Mackerel.
A bit of Christmas mackerel.
Is it meatballs?
LAUGHTER
Um... A...
Do you want another go?
Well, not really. Um...
JIMMY: Oh, Jesus.
AUDIENCE GROAN
LAUGHTER
What is it? What is it?
I don't fucking know, man!
LAUGHTER
I don't know what it is,
I don't eat that shit.
Take your blindfold off.
It was a smoked salmon blini
and bucks fizz.
NEGATIVE BUZZER SOUNDS
Ah, fucking...
Joey Essex, everyone! No points.
Bla-bla-bla-bla!
Next up to play, it's Fearne Cotton!
# Last Christmas
I gave you my heart... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to don a festive bib,
if that's OK with you?
It's festive times.
What's come down... ..the...
..festive tube?
Yeah. Got it.
Yep, OK,
kneel down on the love mat there.
SHE GROANS
Ready?
Yeah.
As Gino would say,
I'm now going to blind you...
Blind me, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Place the tube in your mouth,
as you would my penis.
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
That's it, that's it.
You've got it. OK.
You ready?
No.
If you're playing this at home,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Hey, it's Christmas time!
LAUGHTER
JIMMY: Oh, yeah, that's...
LAUGHTER,
GROANING
That's one item.
That's one item. What is it?
SHE LAUGHS
HE LAUGHS
What is it?
Is it twigs and berries,
my favourite...? Yeah!
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Ah!
Fearne Cotton, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Jimmy!
MUSIC: 'Stop The Cavalry'
by Jona Lewie
OK.
OK. All right, so, this...
I need a blindfold.
There it is.
There you go, blindfold, lovely.
Do you ever think
you've got into a situation
you can't get out of?
LAUGHTER
It's Christmas, though,
it doesn't matter.
Oh, it is Christmas, you're right.
For those of you at home,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN
What...
Do you...
Get your hand away,
so we can see it go in.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Is it chlamydia?
LAUGHTER
It tastes a lot like chlamydia.
What, there was something lumpy,
though.
LAUGHTER
It's not an elf cock, is it?
LAUGHTER
Genuinely, no idea what that is.
Eggnog, I think,
was the first thing, right?
Eggnog. What do you have
at Christmas with your eggnog?
Banana?
Yes, that's correct!
CHEERING
Jimmy Carr, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores, at the end
of that round, are... shat-ing!
We're going to an ad break,
see you in three!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
We wrap this...
LAUGHTER,
AUDIENCE GROAN
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ayda, you live
in a very talented household. Yes.
At Christmas time, are you all
round the fireplace singing songs?
We have to sing
Robbie Williams songs.
But is it, is it a festive version
of a Robbie Williams song?
We have to go through the whole
catalogue, so it takes a long time.
There's some bells in there...
There's bells.
We say, "Ho-ho-ho,"
every now and then.
The real question is...
Yeah?
Um, does Robbie, or yourself,
have any secret skills?
Of course we have secret skills.
Well, let's find out
what the secret skills are,
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm your host for UK & Eire's
Got Christmas Secret Skills.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In this round, our panellists
will come up onto the stage
and perform a secret skill.
So secret,
they don't know even what it is.
They will read it off the monitor,
then our special adjudicators
will decide whether or not
they DO have secret skills,
and whether or not
they will get the golden shower.
First up to perform their secret
skill is Carol Vorderman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Carol, Carol, Carol.
What's your name
and where do you come from?
My name's Carol Vorderman,
and I come from Bedford.
OK, get out there
and perform your secret skill.
Go on, go on. Read off the monitor.
Read off the monitor, Carol.
Cue the music, OK, OK.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
# We're walking in the air
LAUGHTER
# We're floating in the moonlit sky
APPLAUSE
It's great. It's great.
# The people far below
# Are sleeping as we fly
AUDIENCE CHEERS ENCOURAGEMENT
# We're walking in the air. #
RECORD SCRATCHES
Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I definitely thought
you have secret skills.
Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, next up to perform a secret
skill, is Gino Sheffield-D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
OK, his name's Gino,
but let's ask him, what's your name?
Er, Gino. You just said it.
Yeah, Gino, where are you from?
Napoli.
Sheffield?
LAUGHTER
No, I'm from south of Italy,
a place called Napoli.
Naples, where the Vesuvius is,
and Sorrento, Capri, Amalfi.
He's from Sheffield.
LAUGHTER
Um, get ready for this,
this is Gino... What's your surname?
Sheffield.
Sheffield-D'Acampo,
performing a secret skill.
Out you go, out you go.
Read off the monitor.
LAUGHTER
CLAPPING
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
This is disgusting. Are you sure?
LAUGHTER
What about if...
I don't need to go poo-poo.
You don't need...
KEITH LAUGHS
You can't bring a poo-poo on.
No.
OK, well, we've got another one
for you, just in case.
We thought you might not be able
to poo on cue, but, um...
Here's another one.
Here's another one.
We can wait.
Just, we can wait, man.
No, I did a poo-poo earlier.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
HE READS: "..m..."
Ah, "mime". "..through mime."
LAUGHTER
Tell you what isn't
his specialist skill, reading.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino!
Cue the music.
APPLAUSE,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
First up... is...
HE CHUCKLES
Fusilli.
LAUGHTER
He looks great, he looks great.
Next up, is farfalle.
LAUGHTER
And, of course, is the, er, lasagne.
LAUGHTER
It's amazing. It's amazing.
For my grand finale,
spaghetti and meatball.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE,
RECORD SCRATCHES
Gino Sheffield-D'Acampo, everyone!
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Definitely a secret skill there,
but what did our adjudicators think?
Do you have secret skills,
will you get the golden shower?
Let's see what they're saying.
Oh, you know what,
I don't think this is just
because it's Christmas, I honestly
do think you have secret skills.
It's a golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Do They Know It's Christmas'
by Band Aid
Thank you.
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Next up,
it's Fearne, Courtney and Ayda!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm assuming
that you're a girl band.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, who's the lead singer?
Um, I think Courtney. Courtney.
You're the lead singer?
IN DEEPER TONE: Me.
LAUGHTER
Fearne, Courtney and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING
Read off the monitor.
Hello, I'm Fearne...
I... I'm Fearne...
LAUGHTER,
THEY READ OFF MONITOR
LAUGHTER
Ah, great.
COURTNEY SCREECHES,
AUDIENCE CLAP IN RHYTHM
# I don't want a lot for Christmas
# There is just one thing I need
# And I
# And I don't care about
The presents
# Underneath the Christmas tree
# I don't need to hang my stocking
LAUGHTER
# There upon the fireplace
KEITH LAUGHS
# Santa Claus won't make me happy
# With a toy on Christmas Day
THEY SING TOGETHER:
# I just want you for my own
# More than you could ever know
# Make my wish come true
# All I want for Christmas is you
# You. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HRT, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
COURTNEY SCREECHES
You'll find that was...
fucking amazing!
Let's see what our adjudicator
thought.
Oh, my gosh, we're gonna go blind
because it's a double golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Christmas Time'
by The Darkness
Fearne, Courtney and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Gino and Jimmy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Read off the monitor.
OK, Gino...
JIMMY CLEARS THROAT
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND GROAN
KEITH LAUGHS
Merry Christmas, everyone!
CHEERING,
WHISTLING
Gino.
Where is his dick?
LAUGHTER
Just a little bit.
Where the fuck is his dick?!
I dunno where his dick is.
Great, great, lovely family show
we've got tonight. Great.
It's like an inny.
LAUGHTER
Gino.
What's happened?
Gino, come here. Gino.
Grab that bit of tape.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS
Gino, grab...
KLAXON SOUNDS,
APPLAUSE
I mean, I think we've done
a marvellous job. Um...
Did they wrap it up?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
But what did our adjudicators
think? Secret skills?
You won't believe this...
Oh.
It's a golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Stay Another Day'
by East 17
Jimmy and Gino!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round, are... wrapp-ing!
We're going to an ad break,
we'll see you in three.
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
Easy.
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND CHEER
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ho-ho-ho,
welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Courtney, have you ever been
so mashed up at Christmas...
Yes? ..that you haven't been able
to pick things up with your hands,
and you've had to use your tongue?
I can.
Good, well, let's put it
to the test, as we play...
Christmas House Of Tongue.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome
to Christmas House Of Tongue.
As you can see,
we've got Ayda and Fearne,
they're about to pick
an object up with their tongue,
using only your tongue,
and the item is...
Please, let it be me.
Please, let it be me.
..a Christmas bauble.
AYDA: Oh.
We're all over this.
Easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do this all the time.
Same!
Yeah.
He's a very lucky man.
Yes, he is, thank you.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready? On the ho-ho-ho.
KLAXON: 'Ho-ho-ho.'
AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
Oh!
Quick, quick, again, again.
OK, Fearne,
you've gotta get yourself tested.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Easy, easy.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Easy. Don't be afraid to kiss,
it is Christmas.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Tongues.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woo!
Fearne and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no, you look great.
Next up, it's Joey and Courtney!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You got this?
I've got this.
The item you'll be picking up,
using only your tongue, is...
What is it?
..a Christmas insole.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Is it used?
Has that been used?
It looks pretty used.
It's clean.
Can I smell it? Can I smell it?
It's an elf's.
A big elf.
Ah, that's definitely...
Is it used?
Stinks.
JIMMY: It's been used, but not
for what you think it's been used...
I might get an infection
off that shit.
Might get a verruca.
You know what I'm saying?
Ready? Get into position.
Are you ready?
You go on the ho-ho-ho.
I can't work it out.
You got to pick it up
with your tongue.
You'll go on the ho-ho-ho.
KLAXON: 'Ho-ho-ho.'
There you go, and they're off!
And they're off!
AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go on, Joey!
Not really.
I'm working up a loogie.
LAUGHTER,
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Go on. Yes!
CHEERING
Joey and Courtney, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... shat-ing!
CHEERING
Christmas House Of Tongue.
Merry Christmas. There's all
to play for in our final round,
it's the Christmas buzzer round!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer anyway. Fearne,
what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER:
'Fearne's Fucking Christmas Buzzer.'
Fearne's Christmas buzzer, there.
Jimmy, what's your buzzer?
BUZZER: 'Ho-ho-ho...'
IMITATES JIMMY'S LOUD LAUGH
OK, here's the first question.
Point for Joe, if you can name
the three gifts given to baby Jesus.
Do you know what, this is the
toughest Celeb Juice I've ever had.
These questions are hard. Um...
LAUGHTER
Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
What do you reckon?
Right, he just told you.
LAUGHTER
What did Gemma Collins say
she wants, more than anything else,
this Christmas?
BUZZER:
'Jimmy's Festive Fucking Buzzer.'
That's Jimmy's buzzer.
Seconds.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
OK. Fearne's team?
We think it might be a baby.
A baby.
A baby?
A baby.
No, it was a Christmas number one.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Er, Prince Harry once bought
the Queen a Christmas hat
with what slogan on it?
Yes.
BUZZER: 'For my Christmas present,
lick my ass.'
God Save The Queen?
God Save... No. Fearne's team?
Um, he sucked someone's dick.
What?!
LAUGHTER
Prince Harry once bought the Queen
a Christmas hat with a slogan on it,
what was the slogan?
"He sucked someone's dick"?
That was the slogan?
It could be.
He sucked someone's dick.
Joey's got dick on the brain.
No, the answer was,
"Ain't life a bitch?"
Do we have a picture?
It's all the same, innit?
A point for your team,
if you do an impression
of the festive character
that you are dressed up as tonight.
BUZZER: 'Christmas is reem!'
I mean, I don't know...
That's Fearne's team.
Well, I'll be a shooting star.
So, which one is mine?
LAUGHTER
COURTNEY: Do you wanna be a star
on top of my tree?
AYDA: Yeah!
APPLAUSE
That was a pretty good
shooting star.
OK, is this a bauble or a bum cheek?
BUZZER:
'Fearne's Fucking Christmas Buzzer.'
..Courtney bum cheek?
That's Fearne's team.
That could be my right testicle.
Bum. A bum. Let's have a look.
I think...
It's correct, it's a bum.
What a lovely bum it is.
Carol Vorderman's bum.
It's my bum.
It's your bum, Carol.
Is this a bauble or a bellend?
BUZZER:
'Have a fantastico Christmas!'
That's, er, Jimmy's team.
Bellend?
Bellend.
Bellend? Let's have a look.
That's correct.
LAUGHTER
FEARNE: Yes!
PARTY HORN SOUNDS,
KLAXON SOUNDS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's the end of the buzzer round,
and that's the end of this
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special.
I can tell you that the winning team
is...
Come on, has to be.
Has to be.
Ooh!
It's Jimmy's team!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're all winners! It's Christmas.
My name's Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week,
I'll see you in the New Year.
Let's dance!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I wish it could be Christmas
Everyday
# When the kids start singing
And the band begins to play
# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas
Everyday
# Let the bells ring out... #
Goodbye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by TVT
'Hello, I'm Santa Claus,
'and check out
these Christmassy titles.
'Look, it's snowing!
'There's Holly Willoughboozy,
firing space lasers in the snow.
'And there's Fearne Cotton, riding
a big, dirty, cock-shaped spaceship.
'There's Gino D'Acampo,
firing Christmas puds.
'Here they all are, taking a selfie.
Online presence.
'They've made it to the studio for
the best telly show on television.
'What is that telly show?
'It's the Christmas Special
of Celebrity Juice. Not in 3D.
'Oh, I fucking wish it was, though!
Ho-ho-ho!'
MUSIC: 'Merry Xmas Everybody'
by Slade
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to Celebrity Juice
Christmas Special. Ya-hoo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You look lovely.
You've come as a star.
You can sit on me anytime you want.
LAUGHTER
No, thanks.
Fearne, who's on your team?
Well, on my left, he's looking fit
and elfy... it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Santa Claus is comin' to town... #
I love Christmas.
And also on my left,
looking fabulously Christmassy,
it's Courtney Act!
Hi!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my right, she's got the
X-mas Factor, it's Ayda Williams!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Let it go, let it go... #
Ah, hold up, it's Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy, who's on your team?
Well, I've got,
he's no Wise Man, it's Gino.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Thank you.
Also on my right, she's the closest
Essex has to a virgin,
it's, mother of two, Stacey Solomon.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE MEMBER WOLF WHISTLES
And on my left,
it's everyone's favourite
Christmas Carol, Carol Vorderman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE,
WHISTLING
Gino, you look like you're doing
Bruno Tonioli's winter look.
LAUGHTER
It's from the,
er, Home Alone movie thing.
You're Joe Pesci.
Yes.
Joe Pesci from Home Alone. Let's
split the screen, let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
JIMMY:
'I can, yeah, I can see it.'
Are you a big fan of Home Alone?
No, I want to know
why I'm not the captain.
Because you can't even say captain.
We just prefer Jimmy.
What's supposed to be
your stupid costume, anyway?
Pussy, pussy, pussy, pussy.
I'm...
LAUGHTER
I'm... I'm the Nutcracker.
Have we got a split screen?
Let's have a look at Jimmy
next to the Nutcracker.
LAUGHTER
FEARNE: 'That's great.'
What's weird,
the Nutcracker looks more human.
LAUGHTER
Carol Vorderman, hello.
Hello, you.
You've come as Mary Poppins.
I am Mary Poppins.
Let's have a look at you
next to the real Mary Poppins.
FEARNE:
'Yeah, that's great.'
Gino, you like Mary Poppins,
don't you?
I would love to go up
your chim chiminey, whatever it's...
LAUGHTER
You look fit.
Yes?
Practically perfect.
Ayda Williams!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice...
Thank you for having me.
It's been a while...
You're busy.
I'm a very busy lady.
What's it like being a judge
on the X Factor?
It's like, er, being at home,
but just with a smaller pay cheque.
I think we've got
a still of you here.
That's you at work, being a judge.
Yeah.
Do you get emotionally attached,
or is it all bullshit
and you don't give a shit?
Don't give a shit.
LAUGHTER
Um, no, I care...
You know, you get very attached
to the contestants.
Is there real rivalry
between you and Robbie...? 100%.
Yeah?
100%, I would like to take him down.
What's it like
working with your husband?
Because the sexual tension,
it must be weird.
It's weird with me and Fearne,
because we have sex sometimes.
I can feel it.
You can cut it with a knife.
There could not be any less tension
if they tried.
Well, it's amazing how much fucking
you can do in the ad breaks
on X Factor, so by the time
we get home... We're good to go.
How long have you been married now?
100 years.
100 years?
100 years.
Congratulations!
APPLAUSE
Thank you. Thank you.
Is it true that,
when you got married, um,
you had dogs as bridesmaids?
We did have dogs as bridesmaids.
I think we've got a picture.
There you go.
What's the message?
LAUGHTER
That we have no friends.
LAUGHTER
On Loose Women, apparently,
you admitted
that you fake orgasm sometimes.
It's like the only kind of orgasm
I know how to have.
LAUGHTER
I'll tell you what,
I'll give you a point,
who can do the best fake orgasm?
I tend to go like that, brrr!
LAUGHTER
I just make an announcement
that I've arrived.
LAUGHTER
I've arrived, darling.
It's very polite.
That will be all now.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Imagine, Gino,
if Carol was your nana,
and you were, like, 16.
It would be horrible, wouldn't it?
Brrr!
LAUGHTER
For about two years, I really
didn't like Carol Vorderman.
Why?
I...
I'd done nothing to offend you.
No, no, no.
You came out with those fucking
Sudoku shit that people do...
LAUGHTER
My wife, instead of suck me off,
fucking Sudoku...
LAUGHTER
You're such an old romantic, Gino.
No, you know...
What does she do now, then?
Sorry?
As an excuse, what does she do now?
Fucking Candy Crush, now.
LAUGHTER
Carol, you do like Christmas,
though, don't you?
I LOVE Christmas.
You like sprouts, don't you?
I ADORE sprouts.
We've got a picture of you
enjoying some sprouts.
Here, on Juice,
we like to make dreams come true,
so we've got you
the world's largest Brussel sprout,
there, as a gift.
CAROL GASPS
MUSIC: 'Gala Performance'
by Laurie Johnson
APPLAUSE
I hate to break it to you,
that's a cabbage.
It's a cabbage.
It's not a cabbage,
Keith'd never do that to me.
He'd never lie to me about...
He will.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Stacey Solomon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas, Stacey.
Merry Christmas!
It's gonna be a special Christmas
for you, this year, innit?
Yes, why?
Because you've moved in
with Joe Swash...
Oh, yeah, it's gonna be lovely.
It's our first, ever,
together Christmas.
Exciting.
I'm so excited.
Don't you like to have sex
with the television on?
Who the hell said that? How do
you...? How do you know this stuff?
I read it somewhere. I don't know
if you've blurted it out...
I definitely didn't say that.
I mean, I don't mind,
either way, to be honest.
LAUGHTER
I like it if EastEnders is on,
and I try and finish on the drums.
LAUGHTER
Bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom-bom.
I honestly can say,
even if the telly's on,
I don't know what's on it.
But... Oh, what,
because Joe blows your mind?
Well, yeah, I'm not looking
at the telly, am I?
I don't know, I'm not there.
LAUGHTER
Hey, it's Jimmy Carr!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've gotta say,
I'm loving this look.
At Christmas time, Jimmy,
is it nice to spend time at home
with all your money?
LAUGHTER
I surround myself. I throw
a little bit on the fire. Ooh!
LAUGHTER
Lovely.
You've come as the Nutcracker...
Yes.
Should we put your
nut cracking skills to the test?
Oh, well, I think we should.
Then, let's play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome to Jimmy Carr:
The Nutcracker. As you can see,
Gino is now wearing some specialised
Christmas underpants.
Attached to the underpants
are some eggs.
He's gonna kick you in the nuts.
And for each egg that he breaks,
he gets a point for his team.
So, why did you not put nuts in it?
Why did you have to use eggs?
This is where I don't get it.
Cos...
He's the Nutcracker, otherwise
he would be called the egg-cracker.
LAUGHTER
It's just eggs on your nuts.
Christmas Special,
we just thought it'd be funny
to put eggs on your nuts.
Jimmy, what's your strategy
for this?
I think I'm gonna go for sort of
a kung fu sideways kick...
Are you?
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
LAUGHTER
What, kung fu...?
Er, what are you doing?
LAUGHTER
You just have to push the eggs.
OK? Fucking kung fu...
You're thinking about this too much.
Just push.
Have you got your period?
LAUGHTER
Jimmy, you're gonna go on the sound
of the Olympic beeps.
OK. I've got to crack all six?
Yeah. If you can.
OK.
BEEPS SOUND
Don't be silly.
GROANING
LAUGHTER
Are you for fucking real?
That's the most fun I've ever had
on television.
Here's an action replay.
GROANING,
LAUGHTER
JIMMY LAUGHS
Let's see how many are broken.
He's cumming everywhere.
LAUGHTER
He might have an infection.
I'd be amazed if any survived that.
Oh, is there one survived?
No, no, we don't.
LAUGHTER
That's five points!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How did this survive?
FEARNE: Can I do the last one?
No, thank you.
Let's see if you can get
the last one. Go on.
The pleasure.
Ah, I've been waiting to do this
for so long.
LAUGHTER
Ah, all those years
of you being a little wanker.
LAUGHTER
Remember,
whatever is behind the eggs,
I need them
between Christmas and New Year.
LAUGHTER
Ooh!
Remember, it's Christmas.
There is no need...
Ah-ha!
LAUGHTER
GROANING
That was...
Oh, I'm afraid, no,
you didn't break it.
I've got to do it again?
No, we're not doing...
What, a fucking boiled egg in there?
LAUGHTER
We'll have to do it again.
Next up, it's Courtney Act!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'll give it a crack.
Look at his face.
Merry Christmas.
And a Happy New Year.
The Olympic beep.
BEEPS SOUND
Oh, wow!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Very nice, very well done.
Very gentle.
That's a point for Courtney!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Well done, Gino D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... crack-ing!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's now time for
the ninth annual Lemon Awards!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
These awards are given out
to celebrities
who have entertained us
throughout 2018.
And they've been adjudicated
by the general public.
For a point for your team,
all you've got to do is tell us
who you think has won the award.
And first up, Fearne,
is your category,
and it is for Celebrity Couple
Of The Year.
And the nominees are...
Jack and little Dani Dyer,
for winning Love Island...
APPLAUSE
FEARNE: 'Yeah. We like them.'
..Stacey and Joe,
for finally moving in together...
FEARNE: 'Aw, bless them.'
..Prince Harry and Meghan Markle,
for getting married...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..and Seann Walsh and Katya,
for snogging in the street.
Those pair of kissers!
GROANING
Pair of kissers!
Well, that's really tough.
Who do you think the general public
nominated for the Lemon Award?
It's 50-50, innit?
THEY ALL TALK OVER
EACH OTHER
There's four options there.
Four options,
and you say it's 50-50? Yeah.
LAUGHTER
You're a very special boy.
LAUGHTER
I beat ya, I beat ya.
Who'd you pick?
I reckon that Stacey and Joe.
Stacey and Joe.
Stacey and Joe, OK.
DRUM ROLL
OK, I can tell... Ooh!
LAUGHTER
I can tell you the winner is...
Prince Harry and Meghan...
getting married.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
A celebrity couple.
Yeah.
They can't be with us tonight,
but they have sent us
a video message.
Have a look at this.
INDISTINCT GRUNTING,
LAUGHTER
As you can see,
I'm speechless, um, I, I...
It's so nice to receive this.
Meghan and I are overwhelmed.
Is there anything
you would like to say?
INDISTINCT
She said that she wants to do
the naughty on my royal willy,
so we're going back to the palace...
to do that.
And thank you for this award.
INDISTINCT GRUNTING
Dirty pig.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy, your category
is Dingbat Of The Year.
And the nominees are...
FEARNE: 'Gino! Sorry.'
..Theresa May, for her
incredible dance moves,
Justin Bieber, for growing a tash...
LAUGHTER
..KFC, for running out of chicken...
LAUGHTER
..and Nicki Minge-Out,
for her double nip-slip on stage.
I like... Theresa May.
What?
COURTNEY: What?
You're allowed to say that.
I mean, you can say the word BLEEP
on the show,
but I don't think you can say that.
What?!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I think KFC running out...
running out of chicken.
If you've got chicken in the title,
and you run out of chicken,
it's bad.
KFC?
KFC.
OK, I can reveal that the award
for Dingbat Of The Year goes to...
DRUM ROLL,
LAUGHTER
..KFC, for running out of chicken!
Come on!
CHEERING
'Come on!'
Unfortunately, nobody from KFC
could be here tonight
to receive the award,
because they were very busy... Aw!
..but, um,
we did manage to speak to a chicken
and they left us this message.
CHICKEN CLUCKS
Y'all know me, I'm Colonel Sanders.
When I say, "Get in the bucket,"
the chicken
get in the motherfucking bucket.
You better run, you mother-plucker.
GUNFIRE,
SQUAWKING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Fearne, next category's for you,
and that's
Celebrity No-Show Of The Year.
And the nominees are
Stormy Daniels, for pulling out
of Celebrity Big Brother,
Victoria Beckham, for not taking
part in the Spice Girls reunion,
Simon Cowell, for pulling out
as best man at his friend's wedding.
Bradley Walsh had to step in.
And Gino, for never turning up
to Celebrity Juice this series.
LAUGHTER
I mean, we're gonna miss out
your mate Simon Cowell.
I agree, take him out.
OK.
We're all excited
about the Spice Girls,
so we are a little bit sad
about Victoria Beckham,
so we think it might be that one.
DRUM ROLL
HE BLOWS RASPBERRY,
LAUGHTER
Ooh! That's correct,
it's Victoria Beckham!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We have got a VT,
have a look at this.
Hi, Vicky here,
sorry I couldn't be in the studio
to accept this award,
um, for No-Show,
but it's apt, really, isn't it,
that I couldn't show up, because
I wouldn't have won this award?
But, yeah, I couldn't
go on tour with the Spice Girls
because I was too busy
with my fashion line
and my perfect family life.
Speaking of which,
David, you going for those fucking
fish and chips, or what?!
SHE FARTS
Excuse me. Spice up your life,
you BLEEP.
SHE FARTS
Oops.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's a classy lady.
Next up, is Dramatic Performance
Of The Year, Jimmy.
Dramatic Performance Of The Year?
Yes. The nominees are
Nicolas Cage in Mandy,
Rami Malek as Freddie Mercury
in Bohemian Rhapsody,
Lady Gaga in Star Is Born,
or Roxanne Pallett
in Celebrity Big Brother house.
But who won the award
for Most Dramatic Performance?
Ooh.
It's gotta be...
It's gotta be.
It's gotta be Roxanne.
I don't know what...
Well, let Joey explain.
If anything needs explaining,
go to Joey.
Joey, what happened with Roxanne?
Mate, I don't have a clue
what anyone's talking about.
LAUGHTER
I ain't gonna lie.
You're saying Roxanne, then?
Yeah.
Oh, we think Roxanne. We think...
Let's see if... Ooh!
DRUM ROLL,
HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS
The award
for Best Dramatic Performance
goes to Roxanne Pallett
in the Celebrity Big Brother house!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're not gonna believe this, er,
but she couldn't make it tonight,
but she has sent us a video.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
What a year it's been
and this is just
the icing on the cake.
I cannot believe it.
I'd like to say thanks to me mam,
thanks to God
and thanks to my fiance...
Ah, he hit me! He just hit me!
Did anyone see...?
You don't know what that felt like,
but, ah!
Honestly, ah, me back's killing.
SHE CRIES HYSTERICALLY
I can't be in the same place as him!
SHE CONTINUES CRYING
He's... Did you get that on camera?
Huh?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Roxanne Pallett, everyone!
And the scores, at the end
of that round, are... shat-ing!
We're going to an ad break now.
I'm going for a poo,
I'll see you in two!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
JIMMY:
'Oh, Jesus.'
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
Hey, it's Courtney Act, everyone!
Hi!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Thank you. It's nice to be back.
You've got a Christmas special...
I have a Christmas special.
Tell us,
what is your Christmas special?
It's called The Courtney Act Show.
The Courtney Act Show.
When is it on?
It's gonna be on the 18th.
On where?
On Channel 4!
On Channel 4! What's the message?
The message is, I mean,
it is an old-school
Sonny and Cher variety special.
We've got dancing boys,
we've got dancing girls...
I love dancing boys
and dancing girls. Me too!
You've just finished hosting
a new show, called The Bi Life.
What happens in The Bi Life?
The Bi Life,
we took nine bisexual people...
And explain to Joey
about what that means.
Bisexual...
The Bi Life.
The Bi Life, as in bisexual.
Do you know what that means, Joey?
I thought you said "Dubai".
Not Dubai.
Not Dubai, no.
LAUGHTER
People who are attracted to men,
women, trans people,
non-binary people...
So, what are you doing,
in a nutshell?
I, er, well, I...
I don't know if I'd fit
in a nutshell, but, er...
Could be a lady place,
or a nutshell.
Exactly. You host it with a fella
called Shane. Let's have a look.
Oh, I look a little bit crazy there,
don't I?
Is that you?
That's me!
Is it really?
Yeah.
That's me cross-dressed as a man.
Don't worry, Joey.
Mummy's features, Daddy's fixtures.
Joey, do you know what...?
I'm proper confused,
I'm not gonna lie.
Are you confused, or curious?
LAUGHTER
I don't know.
Because I'm a little bit curious.
What was that you just said about
Daddy's features, Mummy's fixtures?
Mummy's features, Daddy's fixtures.
Well, I like that.
Ah, yeah.
I don't know if this is like
Dragons' Den, but I'm in.
LAUGHTER
How much?
I'll give you 70% of it,
for a pound.
Does anybody here identify
as a bisexual or a pansexual,
attracted to...
Or a what-sexual?!
A pansexual.
A pan...?
Meaning many.
A frying pan? Yeah.
"Pan" is Greek for many.
So, like, many different genders...
Oh, so you like everyone?
Yeah! You like everyone!
Yeah!
Do you like everyone?
Er, yeah, I like people, yeah.
Yeah, but...
Lucy, Joey Essex is pansexual!
No, no, no.
MUSIC: 'Real Love'
by Tom Odell
You look a bit daft.
What have you come as?
I'm Buddy out of Elf.
Yep.
We do have a split screen.
There he is.
FEARNE: 'That is my favourite
Christmas film!'
Joey,
why do people celebrate Christmas?
It's the happy time of the year.
It's family, it's, um, presents.
What do you think the main reason
is that they celebrate Christmas?
Because, um...
LAUGHTER
They're, like, the big, like,
all the, back in the day... Yeah.
What happened back in the day?
Back in the day, obviously,
all them, like, donkeys,
and all that... Yeah.
And Jesus and Mary,
and all that, started...
Is it because of Jesus?
They had a fire.
Great gang.
And they just had a fucking laugh,
mate. Right.
I'm a little bit fuzzy about it, but
can you talk me through the donkey?
Why's the donkey involved? I swear
there was a couple of donkeys.
There were donkeys.
But how were they involved?
I'm not clear on that.
I heard that the donkeys
carried a few of the...
..like, Jesuses, and all that...
Jesus, plural?
..to the barn.
What's the best thing
you've done this year,
to get you on the good list?
The best thing I've done this year
to get me on the good list? Hmm.
I've treated a few girls,
took them out, um...
I've been clubbing
with quite a few girls, as well.
I've treated someone to holidays...
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, I've done a few
quite nice gestures.
Treated myself to a holiday,
as well. Well, that's very nice!
Very generous!
I dunno what else. I dunno,
I bought a car,
bought a couple of cars.
Oh, that's...
For you?
For yourself?
For you? Yeah.
He's bought a couple of cars for
himself, he'll be on the good list.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Jimmy.
Yeah?
Last time you were on,
we played a brand-new game
called What's Come Down The Tube?
Can you remember the catchphrase?
What's come down...
AUDIENCE: ..the...
..tube? And do you know what,
we're gonna celebrate and play
a festive edition. So, let's play...
What's Come Down The Festive Tube?
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
FEARNE: Live, pre-recorded
from a studio in Elstree,
it's time for
What's Come Down THE Festive Tube?
Please welcome your presenter
for this evening, Mr Keith Lemon!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Hello!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Welcome to What's Come Down...
AUDIENCE: ..The...
..Festive Tube?
The show in which we don't only
just ask what's come down...
..the...
..festive tube,
but we also ask what's come down...
..the...
..festive tube!
LAUGHTER
All I will do
is deposit an item down the...
The!
Festive...
Ah, you fucked it. You fucked it.
It's because it's a shit saying.
It doesn't work.
Ah, but "the" is my favourite word.
Don't give them "the", give them
another one. Give them "tube".
I've got another word. Let's call
it "A". What's Come Down A Tube?
LAUGHTER
What's Come Down...
..A...
..Festive Tube?
Hurrah! First up, it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# Step into Christmas
Let's join together... #
Kneel down on the love mat.
What, on my knees, yeah?
Yeah, on your knees.
Or whatever you kneel down on.
LAUGHTER
What the fuck are you gonna put
in my mouth?
Well, you've got to tell me.
FEARNE: That's the game.
Ready?
I'm not really,
I'm not on this shit, man.
OK, if you're playing this at home,
these are the items.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Fuck off, man!
I can't stand shit like this, man.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
Wash...
Washing it down with a bit of...
A bit of...
LAUGHTER
Here it comes.
What is that?
What is that? What is that?
LAUGHTER,
APPLAUSE
Is it, is it?
LAUGHTER
Is it, is it dog food?
Dog food.
Christmas dog food.
Mince pie, mince pie.
It's not a mince pie, no.
Er...
Turkey?
Did it taste of fish?
No, mate, it taste like sick.
LAUGHTER
I dunno what it is.
Have a guess.
Ah, I'm guessing, man.
What sort of fish do you have
at Christmas time?
Um. Um... mackerel.
Mackerel, mackerel.
Mackerel.
A bit of Christmas mackerel.
Is it meatballs?
LAUGHTER
Um... A...
Do you want another go?
Well, not really. Um...
JIMMY: Oh, Jesus.
AUDIENCE GROAN
LAUGHTER
What is it? What is it?
I don't fucking know, man!
LAUGHTER
I don't know what it is,
I don't eat that shit.
Take your blindfold off.
It was a smoked salmon blini
and bucks fizz.
NEGATIVE BUZZER SOUNDS
Ah, fucking...
Joey Essex, everyone! No points.
Bla-bla-bla-bla!
Next up to play, it's Fearne Cotton!
# Last Christmas
I gave you my heart... #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm going to don a festive bib,
if that's OK with you?
It's festive times.
What's come down... ..the...
..festive tube?
Yeah. Got it.
Yep, OK,
kneel down on the love mat there.
SHE GROANS
Ready?
Yeah.
As Gino would say,
I'm now going to blind you...
Blind me, yeah.
LAUGHTER
Place the tube in your mouth,
as you would my penis.
Oh, God.
LAUGHTER
That's it, that's it.
You've got it. OK.
You ready?
No.
If you're playing this at home,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Hey, it's Christmas time!
LAUGHTER
JIMMY: Oh, yeah, that's...
LAUGHTER,
GROANING
That's one item.
That's one item. What is it?
SHE LAUGHS
HE LAUGHS
What is it?
Is it twigs and berries,
my favourite...? Yeah!
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Ah!
Fearne Cotton, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Jimmy!
MUSIC: 'Stop The Cavalry'
by Jona Lewie
OK.
OK. All right, so, this...
I need a blindfold.
There it is.
There you go, blindfold, lovely.
Do you ever think
you've got into a situation
you can't get out of?
LAUGHTER
It's Christmas, though,
it doesn't matter.
Oh, it is Christmas, you're right.
For those of you at home,
this is what it is.
AUDIENCE GROAN
What...
Do you...
Get your hand away,
so we can see it go in.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE GROAN
CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
Is it chlamydia?
LAUGHTER
It tastes a lot like chlamydia.
What, there was something lumpy,
though.
LAUGHTER
It's not an elf cock, is it?
LAUGHTER
Genuinely, no idea what that is.
Eggnog, I think,
was the first thing, right?
Eggnog. What do you have
at Christmas with your eggnog?
Banana?
Yes, that's correct!
CHEERING
Jimmy Carr, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores, at the end
of that round, are... shat-ing!
We're going to an ad break,
see you in three!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
We wrap this...
LAUGHTER,
AUDIENCE GROAN
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurrah!
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ayda, you live
in a very talented household. Yes.
At Christmas time, are you all
round the fireplace singing songs?
We have to sing
Robbie Williams songs.
But is it, is it a festive version
of a Robbie Williams song?
We have to go through the whole
catalogue, so it takes a long time.
There's some bells in there...
There's bells.
We say, "Ho-ho-ho,"
every now and then.
The real question is...
Yeah?
Um, does Robbie, or yourself,
have any secret skills?
Of course we have secret skills.
Well, let's find out
what the secret skills are,
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello! I'm your host for UK & Eire's
Got Christmas Secret Skills.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
In this round, our panellists
will come up onto the stage
and perform a secret skill.
So secret,
they don't know even what it is.
They will read it off the monitor,
then our special adjudicators
will decide whether or not
they DO have secret skills,
and whether or not
they will get the golden shower.
First up to perform their secret
skill is Carol Vorderman!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Carol, Carol, Carol.
What's your name
and where do you come from?
My name's Carol Vorderman,
and I come from Bedford.
OK, get out there
and perform your secret skill.
Go on, go on. Read off the monitor.
Read off the monitor, Carol.
Cue the music, OK, OK.
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE:
# We're walking in the air
LAUGHTER
# We're floating in the moonlit sky
APPLAUSE
It's great. It's great.
# The people far below
# Are sleeping as we fly
AUDIENCE CHEERS ENCOURAGEMENT
# We're walking in the air. #
RECORD SCRATCHES
Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I definitely thought
you have secret skills.
Carol Vorderman, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, next up to perform a secret
skill, is Gino Sheffield-D'Acampo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
OK, his name's Gino,
but let's ask him, what's your name?
Er, Gino. You just said it.
Yeah, Gino, where are you from?
Napoli.
Sheffield?
LAUGHTER
No, I'm from south of Italy,
a place called Napoli.
Naples, where the Vesuvius is,
and Sorrento, Capri, Amalfi.
He's from Sheffield.
LAUGHTER
Um, get ready for this,
this is Gino... What's your surname?
Sheffield.
Sheffield-D'Acampo,
performing a secret skill.
Out you go, out you go.
Read off the monitor.
LAUGHTER
CLAPPING
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
This is disgusting. Are you sure?
LAUGHTER
What about if...
I don't need to go poo-poo.
You don't need...
KEITH LAUGHS
You can't bring a poo-poo on.
No.
OK, well, we've got another one
for you, just in case.
We thought you might not be able
to poo on cue, but, um...
Here's another one.
Here's another one.
We can wait.
Just, we can wait, man.
No, I did a poo-poo earlier.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
HE READS: "..m..."
Ah, "mime". "..through mime."
LAUGHTER
Tell you what isn't
his specialist skill, reading.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino!
Cue the music.
APPLAUSE,
DANCE MUSIC PLAYS
First up... is...
HE CHUCKLES
Fusilli.
LAUGHTER
He looks great, he looks great.
Next up, is farfalle.
LAUGHTER
And, of course, is the, er, lasagne.
LAUGHTER
It's amazing. It's amazing.
For my grand finale,
spaghetti and meatball.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE,
RECORD SCRATCHES
Gino Sheffield-D'Acampo, everyone!
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Definitely a secret skill there,
but what did our adjudicators think?
Do you have secret skills,
will you get the golden shower?
Let's see what they're saying.
Oh, you know what,
I don't think this is just
because it's Christmas, I honestly
do think you have secret skills.
It's a golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Do They Know It's Christmas'
by Band Aid
Thank you.
AUDIENCE CHANT:
Gino, Gino, Gino!
Next up,
it's Fearne, Courtney and Ayda!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm assuming
that you're a girl band.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, who's the lead singer?
Um, I think Courtney. Courtney.
You're the lead singer?
IN DEEPER TONE: Me.
LAUGHTER
Fearne, Courtney and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING
Read off the monitor.
Hello, I'm Fearne...
I... I'm Fearne...
LAUGHTER,
THEY READ OFF MONITOR
LAUGHTER
Ah, great.
COURTNEY SCREECHES,
AUDIENCE CLAP IN RHYTHM
# I don't want a lot for Christmas
# There is just one thing I need
# And I
# And I don't care about
The presents
# Underneath the Christmas tree
# I don't need to hang my stocking
LAUGHTER
# There upon the fireplace
KEITH LAUGHS
# Santa Claus won't make me happy
# With a toy on Christmas Day
THEY SING TOGETHER:
# I just want you for my own
# More than you could ever know
# Make my wish come true
# All I want for Christmas is you
# You. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
HRT, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
COURTNEY SCREECHES
You'll find that was...
fucking amazing!
Let's see what our adjudicator
thought.
Oh, my gosh, we're gonna go blind
because it's a double golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Christmas Time'
by The Darkness
Fearne, Courtney and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Gino and Jimmy!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Read off the monitor.
OK, Gino...
JIMMY CLEARS THROAT
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND GROAN
KEITH LAUGHS
Merry Christmas, everyone!
CHEERING,
WHISTLING
Gino.
Where is his dick?
LAUGHTER
Just a little bit.
Where the fuck is his dick?!
I dunno where his dick is.
Great, great, lovely family show
we've got tonight. Great.
It's like an inny.
LAUGHTER
Gino.
What's happened?
Gino, come here. Gino.
Grab that bit of tape.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND GROANS
Gino, grab...
KLAXON SOUNDS,
APPLAUSE
I mean, I think we've done
a marvellous job. Um...
Did they wrap it up?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
But what did our adjudicators
think? Secret skills?
You won't believe this...
Oh.
It's a golden shower!
CHEERING
MUSIC: 'Stay Another Day'
by East 17
Jimmy and Gino!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round, are... wrapp-ing!
We're going to an ad break,
we'll see you in three.
Merry Christmas!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up, after the break...
Easy.
AUDIENCE SHOUT AND CHEER
LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ho-ho-ho,
welcome back to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Courtney, have you ever been
so mashed up at Christmas...
Yes? ..that you haven't been able
to pick things up with your hands,
and you've had to use your tongue?
I can.
Good, well, let's put it
to the test, as we play...
Christmas House Of Tongue.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, and welcome
to Christmas House Of Tongue.
As you can see,
we've got Ayda and Fearne,
they're about to pick
an object up with their tongue,
using only your tongue,
and the item is...
Please, let it be me.
Please, let it be me.
..a Christmas bauble.
AYDA: Oh.
We're all over this.
Easy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I do this all the time.
Same!
Yeah.
He's a very lucky man.
Yes, he is, thank you.
LAUGHTER
Are you ready? On the ho-ho-ho.
KLAXON: 'Ho-ho-ho.'
AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
Oh!
Quick, quick, again, again.
OK, Fearne,
you've gotta get yourself tested.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Easy, easy.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Easy. Don't be afraid to kiss,
it is Christmas.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Tongues.
Yes!
Yes!
Yes! Woo!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woo!
Fearne and Ayda, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, no, you look great.
Next up, it's Joey and Courtney!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You got this?
I've got this.
The item you'll be picking up,
using only your tongue, is...
What is it?
..a Christmas insole.
AUDIENCE GROAN
Is it used?
Has that been used?
It looks pretty used.
It's clean.
Can I smell it? Can I smell it?
It's an elf's.
A big elf.
Ah, that's definitely...
Is it used?
Stinks.
JIMMY: It's been used, but not
for what you think it's been used...
I might get an infection
off that shit.
Might get a verruca.
You know what I'm saying?
Ready? Get into position.
Are you ready?
You go on the ho-ho-ho.
I can't work it out.
You got to pick it up
with your tongue.
You'll go on the ho-ho-ho.
KLAXON: 'Ho-ho-ho.'
There you go, and they're off!
And they're off!
AUDIENCE SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE MEMBER: Go on, Joey!
Not really.
I'm working up a loogie.
LAUGHTER,
AUDIENCE GROANS
CHEERING
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!
Go on. Yes!
CHEERING
Joey and Courtney, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end
of that round are... shat-ing!
CHEERING
Christmas House Of Tongue.
Merry Christmas. There's all
to play for in our final round,
it's the Christmas buzzer round!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
OK, buzz in if you know the answer.
If you don't know the answer,
be a chancer anyway. Fearne,
what's your buzzer this week?
BUZZER:
'Fearne's Fucking Christmas Buzzer.'
Fearne's Christmas buzzer, there.
Jimmy, what's your buzzer?
BUZZER: 'Ho-ho-ho...'
IMITATES JIMMY'S LOUD LAUGH
OK, here's the first question.
Point for Joe, if you can name
the three gifts given to baby Jesus.
Do you know what, this is the
toughest Celeb Juice I've ever had.
These questions are hard. Um...
LAUGHTER
Gold, frankincense and myrrh.
What do you reckon?
Right, he just told you.
LAUGHTER
What did Gemma Collins say
she wants, more than anything else,
this Christmas?
BUZZER:
'Jimmy's Festive Fucking Buzzer.'
That's Jimmy's buzzer.
Seconds.
LAUGHTER
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
OK. Fearne's team?
We think it might be a baby.
A baby.
A baby?
A baby.
No, it was a Christmas number one.
Oh!
LAUGHTER
Er, Prince Harry once bought
the Queen a Christmas hat
with what slogan on it?
Yes.
BUZZER: 'For my Christmas present,
lick my ass.'
God Save The Queen?
God Save... No. Fearne's team?
Um, he sucked someone's dick.
What?!
LAUGHTER
Prince Harry once bought the Queen
a Christmas hat with a slogan on it,
what was the slogan?
"He sucked someone's dick"?
That was the slogan?
It could be.
He sucked someone's dick.
Joey's got dick on the brain.
No, the answer was,
"Ain't life a bitch?"
Do we have a picture?
It's all the same, innit?
A point for your team,
if you do an impression
of the festive character
that you are dressed up as tonight.
BUZZER: 'Christmas is reem!'
I mean, I don't know...
That's Fearne's team.
Well, I'll be a shooting star.
So, which one is mine?
LAUGHTER
COURTNEY: Do you wanna be a star
on top of my tree?
AYDA: Yeah!
APPLAUSE
That was a pretty good
shooting star.
OK, is this a bauble or a bum cheek?
BUZZER:
'Fearne's Fucking Christmas Buzzer.'
..Courtney bum cheek?
That's Fearne's team.
That could be my right testicle.
Bum. A bum. Let's have a look.
I think...
It's correct, it's a bum.
What a lovely bum it is.
Carol Vorderman's bum.
It's my bum.
It's your bum, Carol.
Is this a bauble or a bellend?
BUZZER:
'Have a fantastico Christmas!'
That's, er, Jimmy's team.
Bellend?
Bellend.
Bellend? Let's have a look.
That's correct.
LAUGHTER
FEARNE: Yes!
PARTY HORN SOUNDS,
KLAXON SOUNDS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's the end of the buzzer round,
and that's the end of this
Celebrity Juice Christmas Special.
I can tell you that the winning team
is...
Come on, has to be.
Has to be.
Ooh!
It's Jimmy's team!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
We're all winners! It's Christmas.
My name's Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you through the week,
I'll see you in the New Year.
Let's dance!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
# I wish it could be Christmas
Everyday
# When the kids start singing
And the band begins to play
# Oh, I wish it could be Christmas
Everyday
# Let the bells ring out... #
Goodbye!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Subtitles by TVT