Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 20, Episode 8 - Episode #20.8 - full transcript
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon. Check
out my sweet-arse titles!
You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck?"
But don't worry, it's just
another overelaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look, it's Holly Willoughbooby
firing space lasers
through her massive tits!
There's Fearne Cotton riding
a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo
firing doughballs!
Here we are taking a
selfie - online presence!
Phew! We made it to the studio for
the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D. I fucking
wish it were, though!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, boy! Yeah!
Hoorah!
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and
welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Now, unfortunately Fearne
Cotton is not here
because she's got something
wrong with her cock.
Let's meet the team captain
that is filling in for her.
It's Christopher Ramsey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How's it feel to
be team captain?
You've got "C" on the
front there for BLEEP.
LAUGHTER
How does it feel?
Keith, my son being born was
the best day of my life...
until today. LAUGHTER
Who is on your team?
On my left, he can sing, he
can act and he can point,
it's Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've got a few.
On my right, he's so reem they
named an entire county after him,
it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What can I say? What can I say?
Tonight's show's a special.
It's man versus the woman.
And the woman in charge is
none other than Rita Ora!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woman in charge!
Woman!
Hello! Rita, who's on your team?
Oh, my goodness, I'm so excited!
Cos I've got my two
really good friends.
On my right, we have the brilliant
actor and a friend of mine,
it's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my left, I've got a
gorgeous fashion extraordinaire,
it's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How do you think you're
gonna do tonight?
We're gonna win because I
think I've picked great.
Because we're all boss women
and we all do our own thing,
and that's what we want
to do tonight because...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..we're coming for you!
Girls smell!
LAUGHTER
That's probably the fittest team
I've ever seen on Celebrity Juice
in ten years.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What
about Holly and Fearne?
Don't do that to them. Fuck
'em, they're not here!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rita fucking Ora!
You hold the record for the most
top-ten hits for a female. Yes.
Yes, Rita. Ever.
Ever!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Rita, it's fair to
say that you're FAF.
"Fit as fuck". Oh, yeah!
You can make anything sexy.
Really? We've got a picture
of you making a tyre sexy.
Do you know what? It was
a really sexy tyre.
Sexy picture.
I tried to replicate it.
Oh, God!
See if you think this is sexy.
CHEERING Oh, yeah!
The gloves are quite ominous.
What? Your gloves.
But you've got gloves
on in that picture.
I do, because I was boxing.
Course you were boxing, yeah.
They're my wanking gloves.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what else you made sexy.
Eating cheesy puffs.
I do love a cheesy puff.
Look at this picture. Urgh!
You what?! This is what I mean.
I tend to forget that I
don't have clothes on.
LAUGHTER
I love a Cheeto. Look at this.
LAUGHTER
That's gonna be my
Christmas card this year.
Is it true your mam says
she's sick of seeing you
naked in these pictures?
She says, "Are you
ever gonna learn?"
I said it's a bit too late.
Yeah, but it's sexiness itself.
I don't do it just to sell,
it makes me feel liberated,
it makes me feel free,
and why the hell not,
cos it's my body?!
Yeah, boy! I'm into that!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's so much fun, I wanna
put my finger in her bum.
It's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't want to put it in.
That's really nice.
It means a lot. It's
great to have you here.
Thanks. You're famous for
being a fashion icon now.
Yeah. Whenever I see
pictures of you, though,
you're always on the front
row of fashion shows
sat next to really famous people.
Like Rita Ora.
Like Rita Ora and Jaime.
Who's the most famous person you've
sat next to at a fashion show?
Erm...
Kanye West. Have you? Yeah.
Chris, have you ever been
to a fashion show? God, no!
Can you tell? Would you like
to find out what it's like
to be at a fashion show? Yes.
OK, then, let's play...
the Celebrity Juice
Fashion Show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
Celebrity Juice Fashion Show!
In this round, I'm gonna give you
the chance to win two points.
You all get a point each if you
can do a really good catwalk.
Now, you might not know
this about Christopher.
Christopher is a virgin.
LAUGHTER
He's got a baby. He's a virgin.
He's got a baby. No,
that's just for PR.
Classic. Makes sense.
You win two points if you
don't blow your beans
whilst watching them catwalk.
LAUGHTER
First one to play
is Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Hot Right Now' By DJ Fresh
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Point for your team!
Ramsey, stand up now!
Next up, it's Rita Ora!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'I Will Never Let You
Down' By Rita Ora
CHEERING
Oh, yes!
KEITH LEMON LAUGHING
APPLAUSE
Oh, yes, point for your...
Oh!
Hoo-hoo!
LAUGHS
Stand up.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, mate.
Sorry, I apologise for
not having an erection!
Next up, it's Jaime Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Atomic' By Blondie
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!
Call the cops!
Call the fucking police!
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stand up, stand up.
I don't want to have to call the police.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
Stop staring.
I feel like a piece of meat!
A very soft piece of meat!
LAUGHTER
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The Celebrity Juice Fashion
Show for a man or a woman!
Hey, it's Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard, thanks for coming back.
You were on last week.
Today's a very special
day, apparently.
LAUGHTER You don't know?
You've been on Celebrity
Juice four times.
You are now officially
a Celebrity Juice
friend of the show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You do receive your
certificate and pen.
FANFARE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm a gonna put this up on my wall.
He's got a lovely wall in his house.
Obtuse wall. What's
it got on it?
Tell them what's on the wall.
A toilet roll holder.
Just on a wall.
If you need toilet roll
anywhere else in the house...
Because of Keith here...
I gave it him as a gift.
So I put it up... Why would you
need toilet roll in the bedroom?
Well, howay! LAUGHTER
Have you got a bottle of
moisturising cream as well?
No, I don't... He
gets dry cheeks.
LAUGHTER
Like a 17-year-old boy.
Maybe it's your son's bedroom that
we are talking about right now?
No, it's mine. LAUGHTER
You have a picture
of you ascending.
There's a picture of me flying.
To inspire you in the morning.
So, you're jerking off to
yourself in your bedroom?
LAUGHTER
Dude, just use a mirror
like everyone else!
LAUGHTER
Do you know how sexy you have
to be to jerk off to yourself?
Joey? Have you reached
that point yet?
What, jerking yourself
off in the mirror?
Don't get me wrong, I'm
a ten, but I don't...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hey! She's not a Flintstone,
she's a Winstone.
It's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, darling.
You've just done the Hollywood
reboot of Tomb Raider.
Yes, Tomb Raider.
When I was younger, my mates
used to call me the Womb Raider.
LAUGHTER
You also recently
played Barbara Windsor.
Yes. We have a picture
of you as Babs here.
And she was unbelievable!
Thank you.
But tell me, didn't
Barbara Windsor say,
"One day you're gonna play me?"
Yeah, I sat behind her at an awards
with my dad when I was young.
She said, "Oh, you
should play me one day."
And there you go, I did.
Do the Barbara Windsor laugh.
JAIME GIGGLES
APPLAUSE
Rita Ora? Yeah?
Here on Celebrity Juice, we
like to make dreams come true.
Some people do call
me the dream-maker.
I've been told. And tonight, we've
got one of my friends, Eiji.
He's a Japanese businessman
that appears on the show.
You can see he's over there.
Oh, hey, Eiji!
He got in touch with me
because he wants to marry
his girlfriend here on
the show tonight live.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Both of them are
super fans of you.
And he wants you to marry them.
Is this a joke? It's
real, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would love to marry you!
Let's do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eiji, congratulations.
SPEAK JAPANESE
Yeah, it did. Erm...
Are you excited that we've got Rita
to marry you to your girlfriend?
Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I guess I'll just take a seat.
Do you want Christopher
Ramsey to marry you?
SPEAKS JAPANESE Merry Christmas.
Erm...
LAUGHTER Will you marry him?
Course I bloody will!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's do it!
Please welcome Eiji's fiancee!
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
RECORD GRINDS TO A HALT
Where's your girlfriend?
SPEAKING JAPANESE
I think he said she got lost
on the way to the studio.
I tell you what - Joey?
Remember when we get
you to find people
and bring them
back to the studio
for a point for your team? Yeah.
Are you up for it? Yeah.
He's gonna do it!
So, let's play...
She's An Eiji Lover!
Hello and welcome to the
Celebrity Juice Chapel.
This is exciting, cos you're
gonna find Eiji's girlfriend,
win a point for your team, and
they're gonna get married.
There is some obstacles.
I'll find your Richard.
You'll find what?
Your bird, sorry.
Richard III, bird,
know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Are you ready
KLAXON
That way!
APPLAUSE
Follow the clues!
'Easy Lover' By Philip
Bailey, Phil Collins
Follow the confetti! Oh,
follow the confetti.
Follow the clues.
This thing's really
wobbly on my face.
LAUGHTER
Go straight.
I feel like I've got tits.
Look for the wedding items and
hope you'll find Eiji's fiancee.
Ugh!
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell! It's all
in my face, bruv!
GROWLING
It's the devil!
Run into the dressing room!
Stop, come back. Run past him!
Tell him to fuck off!
What the fuck?
LAUGHTER
These are my Prada trousers as well.
He's gonna ruin them.
LAUGHTER
Just run past him!
Agh! Ow!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I broke my arm. Agh!
Injury!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
Is there an ambulance?
Are you all right? I'll
get over it, bruv.
My top's Louis
Vuitton as well...
Go into the dressing room!
Go into that dressing room.
I'm injured, bruv.
What's there? What's there?
There's a chicken...
Maybe she's under there.
Lift that up. I don't
know how tall she is.
Where?
Agh! Fuck!
EVIL LAUGHTER
Go through the window!
Through the window! Absolute
fucking weirdo, man.
Out the window, quick!
This is surely a hazard.
LAUGHTER
Where we going?
Down the alleyway!
There's an 87-year-old
lady here.
Excuse me? Just get past her!
Are you... Erm, do you know...
GLASS SHATTERS Oh, you fuck!
LAUGHTER
I've just been fucking glassed!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
You fucking bitch!
Say, "Excuse me, dear?"
Excuse me, dear?
Fucking get the fuck
out the way, man!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You're in the Chase zone,
where they film The Chase.
It's where they film The Chase.
THE CHASE THEME MUSIC PLAYS
GROWLING
They're zombies! Shit the bed!
Run!
Agh!
Run!
It's a fucking aubergine!
It's an aubergine! Shit!
Oh, you fucker! Get the fuck...
LAUGHTER
Fuck off, mate!
Agh, you... Mate, I've
got Prada trousers!
LAUGHTER
Agh, you fuck...
Dodge him!
Mate, fuck off!
That's Eiji's girlfriend!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Get in the Titanic! Get in!
Mate, what a salt!
LAUGHTER
Bring her to the studio!
Take your thing off, babe.
What a weapon!
LAUGHTER
Oh, shit!
'My Heart Will Go
On' By Celine Dion
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Into the studio!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's Eiji's fiancee!
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
RECORD GRINDS TO A HALT
All for Eiji, bro.
Oh, shit.
They always say that...
LAUGHTER
They always say that you go for
someone who looks just like you.
Where is Eiji?
What's this note here?
"Dear Keith, I've got cold
feet and I've had to leave..."
It's funny, he can't speak
English but can write English.
"I've got cold feet
and I've had to leave
"but I know what would
make my girlfriend happy
"is if she gets a kiss from
Chris Ramsey on the lips."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Would you like that?
You'd like that. LAUGHTER
I'm afraid, as a man of
the cloth, I cannae.
No, it just means
you can't have sex,
but you can kiss her for
a point for your team.
It's like the thing
from Star Wars!
Agh!
Give her a kiss! I
don't think I can.
You can.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eiji's girlfriend, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
We're going to an ad break.
I'm off for a shit.
I'll see you in a bit!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alexa, didn't they
name a bag after you?
They named a bag after me, yeah.
Wow.
Not like a carrier
bag, a fashion bag?
That's been eclipsed because now I'm
a thing that lives in your home.
Which is exciting.
It's very exciting.
It is quite confusing as well.
Cos they'll be like,
"Alexa, lights off." And
I'll be like, "Ooh,"
scrambling for the... LAUGHTER
Let's see how close you
look like an Alexa.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
Let's see if you're as
powerful as an Alexa.
Alexa, play me some INXS.
'New Sensation' By INSX
Yeah?
Alexa, turn the lights down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alexa, lights up!
It's good, isn't it?
Alexa, order me a Chinese meal.
LAUGHTER
Just joking. You can't
order me a Chinese meal.
That would be impossible.
CHUCKLES
CAR PULLS UP, TYRES SCREECH
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're welcome.
Jaime, have you ever been
shopping and your hands are full,
and you drop something and you've
had to pick it up with your tongue?
Erm, no.
A couple of weeks ago, we played
a game where we did just that,
and we enjoyed it so much,
we're gonna play it again.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Hi, welcome to the
House of Tongue Arena!
This game is simple. All
you've got to do is pick up
an item using only your tongues.
Jesus!
Then you've got to deposit
it into this this dish here.
It would be quite disgusting
if we licked tongues.
You could do a lot worse
than me, sunshine.
It's a lady's tampon.
LAUGHTER
I know you're getting turned on.
Put this icepack down your pants.
LAUGHTER
Make sure your tongue's dry,
or it's gonna get bigger.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You go to the left,
I'll go to the right.
Go on the klaxon.
This is so weird...
Three, two, one.
KLAXON
CHEERING
Come on, come on!
LAUGHTER
'U Can't Touch
This' By MC Hammer
You touched tongues!
I'm not competitive or sporty,
but I think I've found
my calling in life.
Tampon! Tampon! Tampon!
AUDIENCE JOINS IN, CLAPS ALONG
CHEERING
Oh!
MIMICS SAD TRUMPET
Chris and Joey, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Alexa and Rita!
'House Of Fun' By Madness
So, you've seen how it's done.
Here's your item.
It's a party ring!
CHEERING
We're gonna have to flip it
and then go tongue-to-tongue.
Flip it... Like, like...
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ooh, they've got it!
They've got it, they've got it.
Yeah!
CHEERING
Tongue on tongue!
Divided by a party biscuit.
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
CHEERING
Well done.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Rita, you've got a new
album coming out,
on November the...
23rd.
Here it is on camera five.
It's called Phoenix.
I'm so excited!
But what's the message?
LAUGHTER
Well, Phoenix is about somebody
who comes back to life
and has another lease of
life and a fresh start.
That's the logistics.
What's the message?
Is it an up-tempo album?
No, it's not the tampon album.
No, an up-tempo.
LAUGHTER Up-tempo?
APPLAUSE
We've got a lot of talent in the room.
You sing.
You're talented in the world
of fashion and television,
and you do acting.
Richard, you do acting,
inventing, hand gestures.
Of course.
And Chris, you do
comedy and stuff.
CLEARS THROAT
LAUGHTER
Oh, Joey, Joey.
You're talented in the field of...
Being a sick geezer.
LAUGHTER
I'm so talented, I don't
even know what talent is.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's time to find out
what those secret skills are,
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, I am Keith Lemon,
and I am your host
on UK and Eire's Got Even
Even Even More Secret skills!
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
First up on stage is
Christopher Ramsey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoo! Sorry?
LAUGHTER
Christopher, what's your name?
C-Christopher.
How old are you? I'm 32.
Christopher Ramsey, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Read off the monitor.
READING
LAUGHTER
LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven!
I can't even count to seven!
Eee, doesn't he look great?
Number one!
Ketchup.
To the music.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
TENSE MUSIC PLAYING
CHEERING
I've done it the wrong way.
That's fucking chilli!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's the wrong way...
What was that?
It's the wrong way round.
Motherfucker!
LAUGHTER
That's chilli...
That's chilli sauce!
Well, that'll be a piece of piss.
It's tomato.
I'll have it just to cool us down.
Ketchup!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurry up, we're gonna
run out of tense music!
I fucking hope so!
Brown sauce. Ah, fuck me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Mayonnaise!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's got bits in it!
It's got lumps in it!
That was horseradish!
Who put these out?
LAUGHTER
Down it! Down it! Down it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't want to be
team captain any more.
LAUGHTER
OK, has he got secret skills?
What's our adjudicators say?
SIGHS
No!
You got a golden shower!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC
Chris Ramsey, our
celebrity virgin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Sir
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard, have you brought any
friends or family with you?
No, no-one's here.
Are you ready?
No. OK, let's do it.
Go out there.
Read off the autocue.
READS
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
TENSE MUSIC
You got the yeo?
Yes, I got the yeo.
You got the money?
I got the money. Bring it.
Fuck you, man.
I don't trust you. For all I know,
you had Tony Menendez killed.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
OK!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You want a piece of me?
RANTING
OK!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Richard Blackwood, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's baking powder. Yeah.
OK, let's see what the
adjudicators thought. OK.
You do have a secret skill,
but it's not a golden shower.
It's still a point for your team!
Aww!
APPLAUSE
BOOING
You just didn't take it to
that next level, that's all.
I put shit up my nose! You
got a point for your team.
He has secret skills, don't he?
CHEERING
But golden shower?
CHEERING
The people have spoken!
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Rita,
Chris and Joey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, there's three of you. I'm
imagining you're a dance troupe?
Erm, yeah. I guess so, yeah.
We've been together for
a couple of years now.
Is this your little
virgin friend?
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna give you
three microphones.
Read off the autocue and tell
us what your secret skill is.
Joey, you can read, right?
I'm good at reading.
I'm good at reading, trust me.
One, two, three.
ALL BEGIN TOGETHER
Oh, my God, he's
reading the top bit!
LAUGHTER
That's just your names.
Oh, that's my name, Joey.
LAUGHTER
Just hold on.
ALL READ TOGETHER
LAUGHTER
POP MUSIC STARTS
♪ A lonely mother Gazing
out of her window
♪ Staring at a son...
Oh, it's great.
♪ If at any time he's in a jam
♪ She'll be by his side
♪ But he doesn't realise
He hurts her so much
Go Joey! ♪ But all
the praying...
No, no, no! ♪ But
all the praying...
♪ Just ain't helping at all
♪ Cos he can't seem To keep
his self out of trouble
Let's go!
♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls
♪ Please stick to the rivers And
the lakes that you're used to
♪ I know that you're gonna Have
it your way or nothing at all
♪ But I think You're
moving too fast ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
STD, everyone!
STD! STD! STD! STD! STD! STD!
Listen, I don't care what the
secret adjudicators think.
I'm giving you the
fucking golden shower!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Secret skill!
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
We're going to an ad break!
See you in three!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break...
Alexa, speak!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hoorah!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice,
boys versus girls special!
Hey, girls, you're friends
with a lot of celebrities.
Do you know Jonathan Ross? Yeah.
Here on Celebrity Juice, we like
to play a game in his honour
called the Wibbly Wobbly Game.
Would you like to play it? Yes!
Then let's do so!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
Wibbly Wobbly Game,
in association with
Jonathan Ross!
First up, it's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we go.
OK, here we go.
Ooh. CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
WHISPERS
OK, so it's a Cockney rhyming slang.
LAUGHING
It's a Cockney rhyming slang.
And it's like slimy...
LAUGHTER
And it looks like a snake
but it's not a snake.
And it's slimy and
you can eat them.
A gherkin?
Erm...
A gherkin, pickle?
Jaime, give me more,
give me more.
It's a slimy snake but
it's not a snake,
so it looks like a...
And you eat them.
Jellied eels?
Jellied eels!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHS
Wow! What a rush!
Oh, wow! Next to play,
it's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, it's gonna throw you around!
LAUGHTER
What about my microphone?
LAUGHTER
That's it.
WHISPERS
Something that comes
out a chicken.
An egg.
But it's for fun and pleasure.
LAUGHTER
VOICE QUIVERS
Come on, Alexa, we've
got to do this!
I can't!
Alexa, speak!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She can't stay on!
It's a love egg.
It's a love egg!
Fucking love egg!
What's the difference between
an egg and a love egg?
A normal egg, you fry it,
put it in a sandwich.
With a love egg, you
shove it up your spadge.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Next to play is
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at the strength on that!
Core!
Wait, whoa! An easy one...
WHISPERS
That's not an easy
one, you BLEEP!
LAUGHTER
OK.
Er, the ladies had
one in their tongue
but you put it round your shit.
LAUGHTER What?
You put it round your genitalia.
A co... Keep going.
A co-doh... LAUGHTER
It's like what you have on
your finger but on your shit.
A ring? What kind of ring?
A cock ring! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard Blackwood, everyone!
That's the end of this
week's Celebrity Juice!
I can tell you that the
winning team is...
Can you believe it?
You're a team captain
and do you know what?
Don't go with it, brother.
Do you know what?
I've lost. Yes, you have lost!
Rita's team wins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window!
Let's dance! CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
'Anywhere' By Rita Ora
♪ Just take me
anywhere Oh anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you
♪ Take me over the
hills And far away
♪ A million miles from LA
Just anywhere away with you
♪ I know we've got to get away
♪ Someplace where
No-one knows our name
♪ We'll find the start
Of something new
♪ Just take me anywhere
♪ Take me anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you
♪ Just take me anywhere
♪ Take me anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you... ♪
Subtitles by TVT
out my sweet-arse titles!
You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck?"
But don't worry, it's just
another overelaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look, it's Holly Willoughbooby
firing space lasers
through her massive tits!
There's Fearne Cotton riding
a cock-shaped spaceship.
There's Gino D'Acampo
firing doughballs!
Here we are taking a
selfie - online presence!
Phew! We made it to the studio for
the best-selling show on telly.
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D. I fucking
wish it were, though!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah, boy! Yeah!
Hoorah!
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon and
welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Now, unfortunately Fearne
Cotton is not here
because she's got something
wrong with her cock.
Let's meet the team captain
that is filling in for her.
It's Christopher Ramsey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How's it feel to
be team captain?
You've got "C" on the
front there for BLEEP.
LAUGHTER
How does it feel?
Keith, my son being born was
the best day of my life...
until today. LAUGHTER
Who is on your team?
On my left, he can sing, he
can act and he can point,
it's Richard Blackwood.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've got a few.
On my right, he's so reem they
named an entire county after him,
it's Joey Essex!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
What can I say? What can I say?
Tonight's show's a special.
It's man versus the woman.
And the woman in charge is
none other than Rita Ora!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Woman in charge!
Woman!
Hello! Rita, who's on your team?
Oh, my goodness, I'm so excited!
Cos I've got my two
really good friends.
On my right, we have the brilliant
actor and a friend of mine,
it's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And on my left, I've got a
gorgeous fashion extraordinaire,
it's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
How do you think you're
gonna do tonight?
We're gonna win because I
think I've picked great.
Because we're all boss women
and we all do our own thing,
and that's what we want
to do tonight because...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
..we're coming for you!
Girls smell!
LAUGHTER
That's probably the fittest team
I've ever seen on Celebrity Juice
in ten years.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! What
about Holly and Fearne?
Don't do that to them. Fuck
'em, they're not here!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Rita fucking Ora!
You hold the record for the most
top-ten hits for a female. Yes.
Yes, Rita. Ever.
Ever!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Rita, it's fair to
say that you're FAF.
"Fit as fuck". Oh, yeah!
You can make anything sexy.
Really? We've got a picture
of you making a tyre sexy.
Do you know what? It was
a really sexy tyre.
Sexy picture.
I tried to replicate it.
Oh, God!
See if you think this is sexy.
CHEERING Oh, yeah!
The gloves are quite ominous.
What? Your gloves.
But you've got gloves
on in that picture.
I do, because I was boxing.
Course you were boxing, yeah.
They're my wanking gloves.
LAUGHTER
I tell you what else you made sexy.
Eating cheesy puffs.
I do love a cheesy puff.
Look at this picture. Urgh!
You what?! This is what I mean.
I tend to forget that I
don't have clothes on.
LAUGHTER
I love a Cheeto. Look at this.
LAUGHTER
That's gonna be my
Christmas card this year.
Is it true your mam says
she's sick of seeing you
naked in these pictures?
She says, "Are you
ever gonna learn?"
I said it's a bit too late.
Yeah, but it's sexiness itself.
I don't do it just to sell,
it makes me feel liberated,
it makes me feel free,
and why the hell not,
cos it's my body?!
Yeah, boy! I'm into that!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
She's so much fun, I wanna
put my finger in her bum.
It's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't want to put it in.
That's really nice.
It means a lot. It's
great to have you here.
Thanks. You're famous for
being a fashion icon now.
Yeah. Whenever I see
pictures of you, though,
you're always on the front
row of fashion shows
sat next to really famous people.
Like Rita Ora.
Like Rita Ora and Jaime.
Who's the most famous person you've
sat next to at a fashion show?
Erm...
Kanye West. Have you? Yeah.
Chris, have you ever been
to a fashion show? God, no!
Can you tell? Would you like
to find out what it's like
to be at a fashion show? Yes.
OK, then, let's play...
the Celebrity Juice
Fashion Show!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
Celebrity Juice Fashion Show!
In this round, I'm gonna give you
the chance to win two points.
You all get a point each if you
can do a really good catwalk.
Now, you might not know
this about Christopher.
Christopher is a virgin.
LAUGHTER
He's got a baby. He's a virgin.
He's got a baby. No,
that's just for PR.
Classic. Makes sense.
You win two points if you
don't blow your beans
whilst watching them catwalk.
LAUGHTER
First one to play
is Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Hot Right Now' By DJ Fresh
CHEERING
APPLAUSE
Yeah!
Point for your team!
Ramsey, stand up now!
Next up, it's Rita Ora!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'I Will Never Let You
Down' By Rita Ora
CHEERING
Oh, yes!
KEITH LEMON LAUGHING
APPLAUSE
Oh, yes, point for your...
Oh!
Hoo-hoo!
LAUGHS
Stand up.
LAUGHTER
Sorry, mate.
Sorry, I apologise for
not having an erection!
Next up, it's Jaime Winstone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
'Atomic' By Blondie
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh!
Call the cops!
Call the fucking police!
Oh!
APPLAUSE
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Stand up, stand up.
I don't want to have to call the police.
Let's have a look.
LAUGHTER
Stop staring.
I feel like a piece of meat!
A very soft piece of meat!
LAUGHTER
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
The Celebrity Juice Fashion
Show for a man or a woman!
Hey, it's Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard, thanks for coming back.
You were on last week.
Today's a very special
day, apparently.
LAUGHTER You don't know?
You've been on Celebrity
Juice four times.
You are now officially
a Celebrity Juice
friend of the show.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You do receive your
certificate and pen.
FANFARE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I'm a gonna put this up on my wall.
He's got a lovely wall in his house.
Obtuse wall. What's
it got on it?
Tell them what's on the wall.
A toilet roll holder.
Just on a wall.
If you need toilet roll
anywhere else in the house...
Because of Keith here...
I gave it him as a gift.
So I put it up... Why would you
need toilet roll in the bedroom?
Well, howay! LAUGHTER
Have you got a bottle of
moisturising cream as well?
No, I don't... He
gets dry cheeks.
LAUGHTER
Like a 17-year-old boy.
Maybe it's your son's bedroom that
we are talking about right now?
No, it's mine. LAUGHTER
You have a picture
of you ascending.
There's a picture of me flying.
To inspire you in the morning.
So, you're jerking off to
yourself in your bedroom?
LAUGHTER
Dude, just use a mirror
like everyone else!
LAUGHTER
Do you know how sexy you have
to be to jerk off to yourself?
Joey? Have you reached
that point yet?
What, jerking yourself
off in the mirror?
Don't get me wrong, I'm
a ten, but I don't...
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Hey! She's not a Flintstone,
she's a Winstone.
It's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hi, darling.
You've just done the Hollywood
reboot of Tomb Raider.
Yes, Tomb Raider.
When I was younger, my mates
used to call me the Womb Raider.
LAUGHTER
You also recently
played Barbara Windsor.
Yes. We have a picture
of you as Babs here.
And she was unbelievable!
Thank you.
But tell me, didn't
Barbara Windsor say,
"One day you're gonna play me?"
Yeah, I sat behind her at an awards
with my dad when I was young.
She said, "Oh, you
should play me one day."
And there you go, I did.
Do the Barbara Windsor laugh.
JAIME GIGGLES
APPLAUSE
Rita Ora? Yeah?
Here on Celebrity Juice, we
like to make dreams come true.
Some people do call
me the dream-maker.
I've been told. And tonight, we've
got one of my friends, Eiji.
He's a Japanese businessman
that appears on the show.
You can see he's over there.
Oh, hey, Eiji!
He got in touch with me
because he wants to marry
his girlfriend here on
the show tonight live.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Both of them are
super fans of you.
And he wants you to marry them.
Is this a joke? It's
real, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I would love to marry you!
Let's do it.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eiji, congratulations.
SPEAK JAPANESE
Yeah, it did. Erm...
Are you excited that we've got Rita
to marry you to your girlfriend?
Oh, OK.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
I guess I'll just take a seat.
Do you want Christopher
Ramsey to marry you?
SPEAKS JAPANESE Merry Christmas.
Erm...
LAUGHTER Will you marry him?
Course I bloody will!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Let's do it!
Please welcome Eiji's fiancee!
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
RECORD GRINDS TO A HALT
Where's your girlfriend?
SPEAKING JAPANESE
I think he said she got lost
on the way to the studio.
I tell you what - Joey?
Remember when we get
you to find people
and bring them
back to the studio
for a point for your team? Yeah.
Are you up for it? Yeah.
He's gonna do it!
So, let's play...
She's An Eiji Lover!
Hello and welcome to the
Celebrity Juice Chapel.
This is exciting, cos you're
gonna find Eiji's girlfriend,
win a point for your team, and
they're gonna get married.
There is some obstacles.
I'll find your Richard.
You'll find what?
Your bird, sorry.
Richard III, bird,
know what I mean?
Oh, yeah.
You'll go on the klaxon.
Are you ready
KLAXON
That way!
APPLAUSE
Follow the clues!
'Easy Lover' By Philip
Bailey, Phil Collins
Follow the confetti! Oh,
follow the confetti.
Follow the clues.
This thing's really
wobbly on my face.
LAUGHTER
Go straight.
I feel like I've got tits.
Look for the wedding items and
hope you'll find Eiji's fiancee.
Ugh!
LAUGHTER
Fucking hell! It's all
in my face, bruv!
GROWLING
It's the devil!
Run into the dressing room!
Stop, come back. Run past him!
Tell him to fuck off!
What the fuck?
LAUGHTER
These are my Prada trousers as well.
He's gonna ruin them.
LAUGHTER
Just run past him!
Agh! Ow!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
I broke my arm. Agh!
Injury!
Fuck!
LAUGHTER
Is there an ambulance?
Are you all right? I'll
get over it, bruv.
My top's Louis
Vuitton as well...
Go into the dressing room!
Go into that dressing room.
I'm injured, bruv.
What's there? What's there?
There's a chicken...
Maybe she's under there.
Lift that up. I don't
know how tall she is.
Where?
Agh! Fuck!
EVIL LAUGHTER
Go through the window!
Through the window! Absolute
fucking weirdo, man.
Out the window, quick!
This is surely a hazard.
LAUGHTER
Where we going?
Down the alleyway!
There's an 87-year-old
lady here.
Excuse me? Just get past her!
Are you... Erm, do you know...
GLASS SHATTERS Oh, you fuck!
LAUGHTER
I've just been fucking glassed!
APPLAUSE
LAUGHTER
You fucking bitch!
Say, "Excuse me, dear?"
Excuse me, dear?
Fucking get the fuck
out the way, man!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You're in the Chase zone,
where they film The Chase.
It's where they film The Chase.
THE CHASE THEME MUSIC PLAYS
GROWLING
They're zombies! Shit the bed!
Run!
Agh!
Run!
It's a fucking aubergine!
It's an aubergine! Shit!
Oh, you fucker! Get the fuck...
LAUGHTER
Fuck off, mate!
Agh, you... Mate, I've
got Prada trousers!
LAUGHTER
Agh, you fuck...
Dodge him!
Mate, fuck off!
That's Eiji's girlfriend!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Get in the Titanic! Get in!
Mate, what a salt!
LAUGHTER
Bring her to the studio!
Take your thing off, babe.
What a weapon!
LAUGHTER
Oh, shit!
'My Heart Will Go
On' By Celine Dion
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Into the studio!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's Eiji's fiancee!
WEDDING MARCH PLAYS
RECORD GRINDS TO A HALT
All for Eiji, bro.
Oh, shit.
They always say that...
LAUGHTER
They always say that you go for
someone who looks just like you.
Where is Eiji?
What's this note here?
"Dear Keith, I've got cold
feet and I've had to leave..."
It's funny, he can't speak
English but can write English.
"I've got cold feet
and I've had to leave
"but I know what would
make my girlfriend happy
"is if she gets a kiss from
Chris Ramsey on the lips."
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Would you like that?
You'd like that. LAUGHTER
I'm afraid, as a man of
the cloth, I cannae.
No, it just means
you can't have sex,
but you can kiss her for
a point for your team.
It's like the thing
from Star Wars!
Agh!
Give her a kiss! I
don't think I can.
You can.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Eiji's girlfriend, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
We're going to an ad break.
I'm off for a shit.
I'll see you in a bit!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alexa, didn't they
name a bag after you?
They named a bag after me, yeah.
Wow.
Not like a carrier
bag, a fashion bag?
That's been eclipsed because now I'm
a thing that lives in your home.
Which is exciting.
It's very exciting.
It is quite confusing as well.
Cos they'll be like,
"Alexa, lights off." And
I'll be like, "Ooh,"
scrambling for the... LAUGHTER
Let's see how close you
look like an Alexa.
Oh, my God!
LAUGHTER
Let's see if you're as
powerful as an Alexa.
Alexa, play me some INXS.
'New Sensation' By INSX
Yeah?
Alexa, turn the lights down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Alexa, lights up!
It's good, isn't it?
Alexa, order me a Chinese meal.
LAUGHTER
Just joking. You can't
order me a Chinese meal.
That would be impossible.
CHUCKLES
CAR PULLS UP, TYRES SCREECH
Oh!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
You're welcome.
Jaime, have you ever been
shopping and your hands are full,
and you drop something and you've
had to pick it up with your tongue?
Erm, no.
A couple of weeks ago, we played
a game where we did just that,
and we enjoyed it so much,
we're gonna play it again.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Hi, welcome to the
House of Tongue Arena!
This game is simple. All
you've got to do is pick up
an item using only your tongues.
Jesus!
Then you've got to deposit
it into this this dish here.
It would be quite disgusting
if we licked tongues.
You could do a lot worse
than me, sunshine.
It's a lady's tampon.
LAUGHTER
I know you're getting turned on.
Put this icepack down your pants.
LAUGHTER
Make sure your tongue's dry,
or it's gonna get bigger.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You go to the left,
I'll go to the right.
Go on the klaxon.
This is so weird...
Three, two, one.
KLAXON
CHEERING
Come on, come on!
LAUGHTER
'U Can't Touch
This' By MC Hammer
You touched tongues!
I'm not competitive or sporty,
but I think I've found
my calling in life.
Tampon! Tampon! Tampon!
AUDIENCE JOINS IN, CLAPS ALONG
CHEERING
Oh!
MIMICS SAD TRUMPET
Chris and Joey, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Alexa and Rita!
'House Of Fun' By Madness
So, you've seen how it's done.
Here's your item.
It's a party ring!
CHEERING
We're gonna have to flip it
and then go tongue-to-tongue.
Flip it... Like, like...
LAUGHTER
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ooh, they've got it!
They've got it, they've got it.
Yeah!
CHEERING
Tongue on tongue!
Divided by a party biscuit.
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
CHEERING
Well done.
Welcome to the House Of Tongue.
Rita, you've got a new
album coming out,
on November the...
23rd.
Here it is on camera five.
It's called Phoenix.
I'm so excited!
But what's the message?
LAUGHTER
Well, Phoenix is about somebody
who comes back to life
and has another lease of
life and a fresh start.
That's the logistics.
What's the message?
Is it an up-tempo album?
No, it's not the tampon album.
No, an up-tempo.
LAUGHTER Up-tempo?
APPLAUSE
We've got a lot of talent in the room.
You sing.
You're talented in the world
of fashion and television,
and you do acting.
Richard, you do acting,
inventing, hand gestures.
Of course.
And Chris, you do
comedy and stuff.
CLEARS THROAT
LAUGHTER
Oh, Joey, Joey.
You're talented in the field of...
Being a sick geezer.
LAUGHTER
I'm so talented, I don't
even know what talent is.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's time to find out
what those secret skills are,
as we play...
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello, I am Keith Lemon,
and I am your host
on UK and Eire's Got Even
Even Even More Secret skills!
Yeah!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
First up on stage is
Christopher Ramsey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Whoo! Sorry?
LAUGHTER
Christopher, what's your name?
C-Christopher.
How old are you? I'm 32.
Christopher Ramsey, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Read off the monitor.
READING
LAUGHTER
LAUGHS
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Seven!
I can't even count to seven!
Eee, doesn't he look great?
Number one!
Ketchup.
To the music.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
TENSE MUSIC PLAYING
CHEERING
I've done it the wrong way.
That's fucking chilli!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
It's the wrong way...
What was that?
It's the wrong way round.
Motherfucker!
LAUGHTER
That's chilli...
That's chilli sauce!
Well, that'll be a piece of piss.
It's tomato.
I'll have it just to cool us down.
Ketchup!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hurry up, we're gonna
run out of tense music!
I fucking hope so!
Brown sauce. Ah, fuck me!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Mayonnaise!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
It's got bits in it!
It's got lumps in it!
That was horseradish!
Who put these out?
LAUGHTER
Down it! Down it! Down it!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I don't want to be
team captain any more.
LAUGHTER
OK, has he got secret skills?
What's our adjudicators say?
SIGHS
No!
You got a golden shower!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC
Chris Ramsey, our
celebrity virgin!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Sir
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard, have you brought any
friends or family with you?
No, no-one's here.
Are you ready?
No. OK, let's do it.
Go out there.
Read off the autocue.
READS
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
TENSE MUSIC
You got the yeo?
Yes, I got the yeo.
You got the money?
I got the money. Bring it.
Fuck you, man.
I don't trust you. For all I know,
you had Tony Menendez killed.
LAUGHTER
LAUGHTER
OK!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
You want a piece of me?
RANTING
OK!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Richard Blackwood, everyone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
That's baking powder. Yeah.
OK, let's see what the
adjudicators thought. OK.
You do have a secret skill,
but it's not a golden shower.
It's still a point for your team!
Aww!
APPLAUSE
BOOING
You just didn't take it to
that next level, that's all.
I put shit up my nose! You
got a point for your team.
He has secret skills, don't he?
CHEERING
But golden shower?
CHEERING
The people have spoken!
INSPIRATIONAL MUSIC
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Next up, it's Rita,
Chris and Joey!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Now, there's three of you. I'm
imagining you're a dance troupe?
Erm, yeah. I guess so, yeah.
We've been together for
a couple of years now.
Is this your little
virgin friend?
LAUGHTER
I'm gonna give you
three microphones.
Read off the autocue and tell
us what your secret skill is.
Joey, you can read, right?
I'm good at reading.
I'm good at reading, trust me.
One, two, three.
ALL BEGIN TOGETHER
Oh, my God, he's
reading the top bit!
LAUGHTER
That's just your names.
Oh, that's my name, Joey.
LAUGHTER
Just hold on.
ALL READ TOGETHER
LAUGHTER
POP MUSIC STARTS
♪ A lonely mother Gazing
out of her window
♪ Staring at a son...
Oh, it's great.
♪ If at any time he's in a jam
♪ She'll be by his side
♪ But he doesn't realise
He hurts her so much
Go Joey! ♪ But all
the praying...
No, no, no! ♪ But
all the praying...
♪ Just ain't helping at all
♪ Cos he can't seem To keep
his self out of trouble
Let's go!
♪ Don't go chasing waterfalls
♪ Please stick to the rivers And
the lakes that you're used to
♪ I know that you're gonna Have
it your way or nothing at all
♪ But I think You're
moving too fast ♪
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
STD, everyone!
STD! STD! STD! STD! STD! STD!
Listen, I don't care what the
secret adjudicators think.
I'm giving you the
fucking golden shower!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Secret skill!
And the scores at the end of
that round are... Shi-ting!
We're going to an ad break!
See you in three!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Coming up after t'break...
Alexa, speak!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hoorah!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice,
boys versus girls special!
Hey, girls, you're friends
with a lot of celebrities.
Do you know Jonathan Ross? Yeah.
Here on Celebrity Juice, we like
to play a game in his honour
called the Wibbly Wobbly Game.
Would you like to play it? Yes!
Then let's do so!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Hello and welcome to the
Wibbly Wobbly Game,
in association with
Jonathan Ross!
First up, it's Jaime Winstone!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Here we go.
OK, here we go.
Ooh. CHUCKLES
LAUGHTER
WHISPERS
OK, so it's a Cockney rhyming slang.
LAUGHING
It's a Cockney rhyming slang.
And it's like slimy...
LAUGHTER
And it looks like a snake
but it's not a snake.
And it's slimy and
you can eat them.
A gherkin?
Erm...
A gherkin, pickle?
Jaime, give me more,
give me more.
It's a slimy snake but
it's not a snake,
so it looks like a...
And you eat them.
Jellied eels?
Jellied eels!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
LAUGHS
Wow! What a rush!
Oh, wow! Next to play,
it's Alexa Chung!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Oh, it's gonna throw you around!
LAUGHTER
What about my microphone?
LAUGHTER
That's it.
WHISPERS
Something that comes
out a chicken.
An egg.
But it's for fun and pleasure.
LAUGHTER
VOICE QUIVERS
Come on, Alexa, we've
got to do this!
I can't!
Alexa, speak!
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
She can't stay on!
It's a love egg.
It's a love egg!
Fucking love egg!
What's the difference between
an egg and a love egg?
A normal egg, you fry it,
put it in a sandwich.
With a love egg, you
shove it up your spadge.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Next to play is
Richard Blackwood!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Look at the strength on that!
Core!
Wait, whoa! An easy one...
WHISPERS
That's not an easy
one, you BLEEP!
LAUGHTER
OK.
Er, the ladies had
one in their tongue
but you put it round your shit.
LAUGHTER What?
You put it round your genitalia.
A co... Keep going.
A co-doh... LAUGHTER
It's like what you have on
your finger but on your shit.
A ring? What kind of ring?
A cock ring! Yes!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Richard Blackwood, everyone!
That's the end of this
week's Celebrity Juice!
I can tell you that the
winning team is...
Can you believe it?
You're a team captain
and do you know what?
Don't go with it, brother.
Do you know what?
I've lost. Yes, you have lost!
Rita's team wins!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window!
Let's dance! CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE
'Anywhere' By Rita Ora
♪ Just take me
anywhere Oh anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you
♪ Take me over the
hills And far away
♪ A million miles from LA
Just anywhere away with you
♪ I know we've got to get away
♪ Someplace where
No-one knows our name
♪ We'll find the start
Of something new
♪ Just take me anywhere
♪ Take me anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you
♪ Just take me anywhere
♪ Take me anywhere
♪ Anywhere away with you... ♪
Subtitles by TVT