Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 18, Episode 8 - Episode #18.8 - full transcript
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon. Check
out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking, "What
the fuck is going on?"
But don't worry, it's just
another over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a
giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for
the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D. I fucking
wish it were, though.
Yeah, boy!
HURRAH!
Oh, yes, oh, yes. There's a storm
coming, there's a storm coming.
OK. OK. Everyone will
think the telly's fucked.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First off, it's Fearne Cotton!
Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team?
On my left tonight,
she's getting loose
it's Nadia Sawalha!
And, on my right,
he looks like an Irishman,
he sounds like an Irishman,
it's Louis Walsh!
OK, unfortunately, this week
Holly Willoughby is not with us
because, yet again, she
is pissed in a bush
trying to fuck a fox.
We couldn't get anyone that
famous in to replace her,
so I phoned up one of me ginger
friends and we got him in.
It's Ed Sheeran!
All right.
Ed, who's on your team?
Erm, on my left, I have the
fantastic Chris Kamara.
And on my right, I have my
mate from South Shields,
and I told him, if
I ever did Juice,
I promised that he
would do it with me,
so I'm glad he could
make it today.
It's Chris Ramsey.
Perfect!
Ed Sheeran, thanks
for joining us, man.
Thanks for having me. I've been
trying to come on this since 2011,
but I've always... Since 2011?
Yeah. But October's always the
month that I end up touring,
so I haven't ever been...
We've actually got a letter
that you sent to one of our
producers asking to come on.
I'll read it out.
"Dear Keith, pleeeeease can
I come on Celebrity Juice?
It's all I ever wanted.
When I watch the show,
I get so excited,
piss comes out."
"I deliberately broke my arm
so I didn't have to come
on tour and come on.
Please say you will!
Love from Ed Sheeran."
And it's also done in a
ginger pen, as well.
It was meant to be confidential,
so cheers... Oh, sorry, man.
Sorry, man.
So, seriously, what
happened to your arm?
Er, I fell off a bike. Pissed?
No. I was actually
cycling to the pub.
Good that...
It's fake news, though, and
it's like this is the PR spin.
Well...
I'm sure that you've worked
out what actually happened.
Yes. Yes.
My, my friend, Jamal,
you know Jamal, Fearne?
Mm! He's a toilet attendant.
And he saw you in a nightclub
wanking so fast...
..that your spaff exploded
with such force, it threw you back
and you broke both your arms.
We've got a picture
of you in the toilet
just after the spaff
hit your face.
We're not even ten minutes in.
I'm enjoying this.
Your thing that you miss the most is
wanking, when you broke your arms.
I didn't say it was the
thing I missed the most.
I'm desperate to masturbate!
I tell you what. On Celebrity Juice
we're about making dreams come true.
So, because Ed no longer can
masturbate with his broken arm...
..and then to say thanks
for coming on the show, I've
got you a special gift. Right.
So, they... This is a...
This is the Celebrity Juice
hands-free wanking device.
And I've already taken
this to Dragons' Den.
I don't know if it's gonna
be in the next series.
But if you endorse it,
it could well work.
Unbelievable. Should
we try it on?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Aah!
It's a bit tight, hold on.
That's to spit in,
which goes down there.
No, no, no, you...
There's the pleasurising arm.
OK.
And there's the arm that's
gonna catch the residue.
How do I do it?
Well, you, you spit down
there and nod your head.
OH. Yeah?
Ed, before you were
a famous person,
you did an audition for
a part in a series
called Britannia High.
Am I right?
Yeah. Yeah.
You're gonna show the clip.
Have we got a clip?
Of course you do. Fuck!
We ain't got a clip.
You definitely do.
I know you do.
Why am I talking about it
if we ain't got a clip?
Oh, have you got a still?
Haven't got a still.
So, The Kammy,
Yes. I'm sorry, I'll
introduce you properly.
IT'S CHRIS KAMARA!
Chris.
Would you like to see the clip.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK!
..As each episode
of Britannia High
featured difficult choreography some
were clearly going to struggle.
Ed hasn't a clue what he's
doing, but he's trying.
I'm just trying to really
get it in my head.
I think I messed up as well, I got
kicked in the face by accident.
OK, music.
Like I Love You
Not even an option.
So, eventually, we're gonna have
to find some people who dance,
cos they can't all not dance.
Wow.
Can I say? Can I say?
The year that I had
my first hit single, I
bumped into Arlene Phillips,
and she was, like, "I'm
glad that you sing now."
Does she spit or
does she 'sawalho',
it's Nadia Sawalha!
Why don't you just try and
say, go on, try and say it.
Nadia Sawal-balla-llal...
But, go on, try.
Try to say it properly.
Focus. Nadia
Sawalha-ball-in-a...
Chris Cameron, can you say it?
Nadia Swahalia.
Oh, gosh.
That's sounded like
you're having a piss.
Swahalia...
I was.
You've been, you've been
on Loose Women since 1999.
We've got a picture of
you back in the day.
I often get asked, erm,
when I go on Loose Women
which is me favourite Loose
Woman and I always say you.
Is it cos of my tits?
You've got tits, which
makes you a female...
You're not getting sex at the moment.
Who said that?
You've been waking up in the middle
of the night. With my insomnia.
Yeah, and you can't get any sex,
so you've been doing cleaning.
And sexualising yourself,
whilst cleaning.
Oh, God! I know what you've got.
We have a picture of you.
Cleaning windows with your tits.
Do you know what? I know
him, I know him, I do.
It's Louis Walsh!
Let's get the gossip from
you, from The X Factor.
Do you feel that you
might win this year,
or, or what... Who do
you think's gonna win?
I think I'll have somebody
in the final. Yes.
I do, yeah. Yes. Exciting, innit?
The X Factor.
This year, yes.
But you say that every year.
I know I do, but,
honestly, this...
This year I really think
we've got some great people.
As well as X Factor, the biggest
news that we've got about you
is that you've done a voiceover
for a Christmas TV show,
for dogs, about dogs.
Yeah. It's actually
made for dogs to watch?
That's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's new. Different.
It's a gig.
That's weird, when you said that, I
did the dog thing, I went, "Huh?"
I can't believe you said that!
What's it called, Louis?
I forget. Woofs,
Woofter, or something.
Woofter or something.
It's A Woof's Life or something.
Woofter's Life.
It's something like that. Louis, I'll
tell you what it's called. Merry Woofmas.
OK. OK. OK. OK. Merry Woofmas.
OK. OK.
We've got a clip of it,
let's have a look at this.
It's Christmas morning
and sitting at home
Holly the doggie
is after a bone...
In her Christmas stocking
there's many a treat
But her big juicy bone
is all she wants to eat
Oh, that's a big bone.
Louis, why don't you give her a message?
We have a
big fanbase of dogs that
watch Celebrity Juice.
Yeah, yeah. Sausage dogs...
Your message down camera five.
They love it. Sell it
to the dogs at home
that are watching, on
camera five down there.
This is a very short movie, it's
for Christmas and it's for...
Louis, Louis, Louis. They aren't
gonna understand that. Speak in dog.
OK.
You know how to do
that, don't you?
Woof? Woof, woof, woof. That's "hello".
That's "hello".
Urf, urf, urf!
Gonna get sacked.
If Cowell sees this, I am gone.
I am so done. You know that!
He's my brother in real
life from another mother,
it's Chris Kamara! Whoo!
Hey, bruv.
I tell you what, erm,
congratulations is in order,
because it's my brother
Chris's birthday
on Christmas Day.
It's his 60th birthday.
Looks well, doesn't he?
Yeah. Fiftieth.
Fifty? It's not your 50th,
that's your telly age.
It's a conspiracy
theory, apparently,
that you could actually
be the Lord Jesus Christ.
I think we've got a photograph
of when you were born.
- There you are.
- Hallelujah
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Born laughing. Born laughing.
I can't believe that you're there,
because it was three wise men there.
Always laughing.
How do you stay so happy? Aaah.
I love life. You love life.
But you like singing, don't you?
I do. I have a little
trill every now and then.
Do you go to the local pub
and have a sing song?
Not the local pub. If only we had
a clip of him having a sing song,
so Louis could tell us if
he's got the X Factor.
OK. If ONLY we had a clip.
Oh, you have. Let's
have a look at this.
♪ The touch of your hand says
you'll catch me wherever I fall...
Come on, all, your turn now.
♪ Cos you say it best
When you say nothing at all... ♪
It was good.
Louis?
Louis, what you think?
Really good. Is it
a "yes" from you?
I'm saying yes! Better
than the original.
Hold the phone. What?
Apparently,
a few dogs have been
watching Celebrity Juice.
They've sent in some video messages.
Let's have a look at those.
OK, good.
Oh, that's funny!
Should we go old school?
Go on, then.
Let's play... Don't
Show Keith Your Teeth.
Aah, yes.
OK, this is a word association game.
I'll give you a category,
you must give me a word
associated with that category.
The name of the game is Don't Show Keith
Your Teeth. Don't show me your teeth.
The category is...
Christopher.
Playstation.
Pick your nose.
Mmm, mmm!
No.
Knit a jumper.
Nadia Swa-la-la-la-la.
Masturbate.
Play with a yo-yo.
Play with a yo-yo.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Er, aggressively
masturbate in a sock.
Swear.
Clean windows.
Everybody, I'm
cleaning the windows.
Clap.
'Make my mum.'
Make what?
Oh!
Piano.
Piano. Ed.
Saxophone.
Scratch your back.
Dracula! Dracula!
And then you went
Putting your make-up on. Yes.
Turn the alarm off.
Stroke someone.
- Do Origami.
- Oh.
Fingerblast.
Put your jeans on.
Put your jeans on.
Fearne? Play the piano.
That means that Ed's
team is the winner!
The scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
We're gonna go off to an ad break, so
I'll see you in three. See you in a bit!
Coming up after the break...
Oh, no!
HURRAH!
YES!
Ed? Have you ever seen an
elderly person with dentures
and they have a bit of
food stuck in their teeth?
I always tell someone if they've
got something in their teeth.
Then let's play...
All right!
Hi. Here I am in one of the
bedrooms at Shady Pines,
which is one of Elstree's
premier old-people's homes.
The pensioners there,
have been very kind to us
and given us their dentures.
I want to shout a big out to all those
old people there who are so nice.
Erm, so, what's gonna happen is
I'm gonna give some
dentures to our panellists.
All they have to do is
stick them in their mouth
and give me the ID
of their last meal.
It's so simple.
- It's so...
- Real nice
First up to play is Louis Walsh!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, you can get it, Louis.
Look at the joy in his face.
You all right? Do you want
me to get a blanket for you?
I won't get sick.
Nice. It's nice, that. Oh.
Just in case you spill anything
on you, there you go. Oh, fuck.
Louis, it's a point for your team.
Louis, here we are.
It's just... Look, there it is.
- You guys at home...
- You can see it.
That's what the meal was.
You wanna get it out?
What do I have to do? Put
'em in, give 'em a suck...
Bffff!
..and detect what the meal was.
Eurgh!
You're a food detector.
Eugh! Agh!
Oh, Keith.
No!
What was it?
What did you think it was?
Blargh!
Oooh, no!
Blargh! Not yet.
What would you say it was?
I've no fucking idea.
I'll, I'll give you a clue, yeah?
Yeah.
It's livers and
spinach and bacon.
What do you think it is, Louis?
Liver...
There was definitely
some liver in it.
Yes. And maybe a
little bit of bacon.
Yes. Yeah. For a point,
what was the green stuff?
I don't know.
What, what does Popeye eat?
Spinach. Yes, that's
correct, Louis Walsh!
Oh, my God! Next up to play, it's
probably a pinnacle of his career,
it's the Grammy-winning
Ed Sheeran.
Oh.
How comfy is this chair?
Comfort.
I literally, like, cos
you didn't pick Fearne,
so I was just joking with Chris.
I was like, "I'm fucking
glad it's not me."
There you go. For
those of you at home,
this is what it is, this
is what the meal is.
See the teeth.
I can't see. There you go.
So glad that he wrote
that letter to us now.
FEARNE: It looks nice.
It's got chocolate.
Don't think of dog food.
It's not dog food.
Fuck off, Fearne. Fuck
off, mate, Jesus.
Here, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I can't even look.
That's Louis Walsh's spit!
Ed, what's your thoughts? What
you thinking that meal was?
Coffee beans. What else?
It was a full meal, so coffee
was one element of it.
Think old people,
think breakfast time.
- Like coffee and eggs?
- Close.
The adjudicators have just told
me we need three elements.
Coffee, eggs...
Coffee, egg and...
Oh, no. Porridge.
Porridge. That's correct!
Ed Sheeran, everyone!
Oh, all right, then!
And the scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
Ed, you're private when it comes
to your love life, aren't you?
Erm, but last series,
someone came on the show
and admitted that they'd shagged ya.
We've got a picture.
You and Mr Blunt!
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were lovers for a while? He
was catching, I was pitching.
Was he on last season? He isn't
actually my boyfriend, if anyone...
But, yeah.
In case anyone thinks...
Just making...
He's a good-looking fellow? Lovely.
Would you? No. We're mates.
Fuck off. You would.
No, I wouldn't.
Oh, he did that show with you. We
went out and got very drunk...
You got drunk? Yes. I used to do that
sort of thing. Very boring as fuck now.
She stopped getting drunk when she got
off with me when she were pissed.
Sucked it and choked on it,
like one of those pornos.
Do you admit it?
I could be the drunkest
pisshead in the world
and it would still
never, ever happen.
Once she put her tongue in
me bum, which I'm not into.
I'm, I'm an old-fashioned lover.
I like missionary position,
cuddle afterwards,
wipe it up with a flannel
watch Kardashians.
Who's ever met Phillip
Schofield, here?
Yeah. You met Phillip Schofield?
Enough times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's sex mad. Yeah. He is.
Cos he's a sexy guy.
Well, I've come up with a
game that's very similar
to a game that sexy
Phillip Schofield does.
But it's totally different, because
it's named after a better shape,
and I've called it...
'The Circle.'
Hi. Welcome to my brand-new
show, The Circle.
'The Circle.'
Which is nothing like The Cube because
it is, in actual fact, a circle.
'The Circle.'
The rules for The Circle...
'The Circle.'
The rules for The Circle...
'The Circle.'
All you've got to do is
stay within the circle.
'The Circle.'
First up to play The Circle...
'The Circle.'
First up to enter my circle...
'The Circle.'
OH, FUCKING SHUT UP!
'I'm just trying to do my job.'
First up to enter The
Circle is Fearne Cotton.
Thanks very much. Welcome. Stand
by the side of The Circle.
If Phillip's is called The Cube,
shouldn't it be The Sphere?
What's a sphere? Oh, fuck it.
OK, so step into The Circle.
Remember, we're best friends these days.
Yeah. We're good friends.
We really like each other.
All you've gotta do is
stay in The Circle.
I'm in it. All you gotta do. Shall I
take a stance like that? It's up to you.
Just stay in The Circle. Are you
gonna speak to me? I don't know.
What is it? Do I
take some paper?
That's mildly annoying.
You've done worse.
YES!
Hold your ground, Fearne,
hold your ground.
Go, girl! You can do it.
Still in The Circle.
I mean, that was quite annoying.
Not like having kitchen roll around
you when you're having chips,
just in case you drop a chip and
a bit of grease gets on you.
Oh, right. Would
you like a chip?
Yeah, I'd love one. Thanks.
Do you want some more chips?
Er, yeah, why not? They're
quite nice, actually.
She's still in The Circle!
I'm still here.
Thanks.
They are, aren't they?
I'm still here.
Gonna annoy me some more?
Let's, let's have, let's
have a little kiss.
Oh, I'm all right, thanks.
I'll get out.
You stayed in The Circle.
Fearne Cotton, everyone!
Next to come in my circ... I won't
say "next to come in my circle."
Next to play The Circle
is Christopher Ramsey!
Go on, pop yourself in.
There, you're in, you're in.
Easy, innit? All you
gotta do is stay in.
So easy.
What the hell, man?
That was me arse,
not me trainers.
You see, there's one of
my friends down there.
Fucking... What is
wrong with you, MAN?
But one of my friends
is very lonely.
OH, NO!
I know exactly what...
Oh! You fucking animal!
Chris Ramsey, left The Circle!
No point for your team!
It's on me fucking pants.
Next up to enter The
Circle is Ed Sheeran.
Careful. Be careful,
it's a bit slippy.
What have you done, man?
Straight into The Circle,
no fear, at all.
OK. All you've got to do to win
a point for your team, Ed,
is stay in The Circle. It's pretty easy.
Feeling confident?
No, it's easy, man. It's easy.
It's easy. Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna get in The Circle with you.
All right.
You're Beautiful
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
That was brilliant! He's
broke me jewellery.
I've got something
very special for you.
Tonight, for one night only,
we've not got one Ed Sheeran, but
we have invited some tribute acts.
- Oh, no, you fucking haven't, you.
- We have invited some tribute acts.
I know... So, please welcome
Ed Sheeran tribute band
wearing no clothes...
Thinking Out Loud
How much... How much
did they pay you?
Nothing.
That's the first Ed
Sheeran tribute act.
Here's the second one.
Wa-hey! Wa-hey.
Lordy. Come on, let's go, son.
Oh, my... OH!
Eh? OK. Thanks. Why don't
you all get in The Circle?
Oh! OK. OK.
He's still in The
Circle, everyone.
And the scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
Ed, why don't you lead to break?
Hi, I'm Ed. Break,.
Coming up after the break...
OK, I'm gonna transport your heads
onto a different person's body now!
Prrrr-ping!
HURRAH!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Having a good time?
YEAH!
They're having a good time. 'Ere,
Ed, do you like superheroes?
Yeah. Do you like the
Incredible Hulk?
No really.
Say that you like the
Incredible Hulk.
I love the Incredible Hulk.
Say that you'd
like to put your head
through his arsehole.
I'd love to put my head in the
Incredible Hulk's arsehole.
Then let's play...
First up to play is none
other than Chris Kamara!
Whoo!
OK, you've got your head in there.
How you doing?
I'm good. Are you living the dream being
inside the Incredible Hulk's arsehole?
OK, Chris, I'm gonna transport your
head onto another celebrity's body.
Now! Shiprr-bing!
Right, ask your team questions.
You can only answer yes or no.
Ask us questions we can
only answer yes or no.
ASK THEM FUCKING QUESTIONS!
NOW! Jesus.
Go! Now! Am I an actor?
No. Am I a politician?
No. No.
Am I a sportsman? Yes. YES!
Am I the best footballer
on the planet?
YES! Yes. Yes, you are. Yes.
Lionel Messi. No.
NO!
Have a bit more faith in yourself. You're
the best footballer on the planet!
Cristiano Ronaldo! Fucking hell!
When we said you were the best
footballer, we were being nice.
- ..Trying to be nice?
- Yes.
Oh, is it to do with me?
Yeah. Yes!
Oh, I'm me! YES!
Oh, bless you, man. Brilliant.
It was you in your
Portsmouth gear. Oh.
Next up to play, it's
Fearne and Nadia.
You'll do good.
OK, I'm gonna transport your heads
onto a different person's body now.
Prrrr-ping!
Am I tall?
Yep.
Am I a woman? No.
No. Are we a body part?
Yes. Someone's bollocks.
Whose bollocks are we?
Am I a knob end? We're a pair
of ball bags, Nadia! No, no.
Fearne is right. This'll
be a screenshot
that'll haunt us forever.
We're Louis Walsh's ball bags?
No, you're right. Are we
Ed Sheeran's ball bags?
No. No.
Are we Chris Kamara's ball bags?
No.
Whose ball bags...? Are we
Simon Cowell's ball bags?
YEAH!
Fearne and Nadia, everyone!
Next up to play is Ed Sheeran!
Good luck.
Ed, I'm gonna transport your head
onto another celebrity body now!
Prrr-ta-ping!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. It's really bad.
It's really, really bad.
Now, Chris.
Chris. FEARNE: Who's that? Mate.
Is this gonna make it on TV?
Who is that? Mate...
Mate, I'll be honest with you, there
is a large portion of this picture
that won't make it on TV.
Am I someone's bellend?
- No.
- Er...
NO! I'll be honest with you,
you can't see the bellend.
Ed, just look down a second.
Look down.
There, that's better.
Who the fuck is that on the poster?
It's James Blunt.
- Is it James Blunt?
- I don't know.
Am I part of an orgy?
Possibly. Am I
someone's arsehole?
- No. No.
- No. No.
Am I near someone's penis?
They're closer to yours
than you're theirs.
Am I, er, am I ready to
put a penis in my mouth?
Ah! Oh!
Am I putting my penis
in someone's mouth?
YAY!
Am I me getting a fucking
chewy from James Blunt?
YEAH!
That was good.
How did he know it was James Blunt?
A proper gob job, innit?
Ed Sheeran, everyone!
Oh, right. That's good, man.
Thank you, man. Fucking... How the fuck did
you get that? I watch this show a lot.
It's time for our final
round, it's the Buzzer round.
Buzz only if you
know the answer,
if you don't know the answer,
buzz in anyway and guess.
What's your buzzer, Ed?
'Ha-ha-ha. Fucking stinky. Have
you got ginger arsehole hair?'
Fearne, what's your
buzzer this week?
'That's why I'm taking
you to boot camp.'
Here's the first question.
Who can do the best impression
of Janet Street-Porter
from Loose Women?
'Ha-ha-ha. Ha! Ginger
pubes!' That's Ed's team.
Chris Ramsey. Chris Ramsey?
Louis?
I'm so intelligent.
Why is Louis Walsh
looking so happy here?
'Ginger tits!'
He's finally got one of his finalists
in the final of the X Factor.
Good one, Ed.
Let's have a look. Let's reveal.
Sorry. No, it's from the pot of
gold at the end of the rainbow.
Ed, this is a question for you.
'Ginger willy!'
Do...
'Ginger willy!'
And, Louis, you know that
happens every now and then.
'Ginger willy!'
What... 'Ginger arsehole
hair!' What happened?
Do you want us to play a clip of you
dancing at the Britannia High, again?
Fuck it, yeah, go for it.
YES!
Like I Love You
Not even an option.
Oh! That's the end
of our Buzzer round.
That's the end of this
week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the
winning team is...
It's Ed's team!
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you for the last dance!
Shape Of You
BYE-BYE!
Subtitles by Deluxe
out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking, "What
the fuck is going on?"
But don't worry, it's just
another over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding a
giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for
the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D. I fucking
wish it were, though.
Yeah, boy!
HURRAH!
Oh, yes, oh, yes. There's a storm
coming, there's a storm coming.
OK. OK. Everyone will
think the telly's fucked.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.
Let's meet our team captains.
First off, it's Fearne Cotton!
Hello.
Fearne, who's on your team?
On my left tonight,
she's getting loose
it's Nadia Sawalha!
And, on my right,
he looks like an Irishman,
he sounds like an Irishman,
it's Louis Walsh!
OK, unfortunately, this week
Holly Willoughby is not with us
because, yet again, she
is pissed in a bush
trying to fuck a fox.
We couldn't get anyone that
famous in to replace her,
so I phoned up one of me ginger
friends and we got him in.
It's Ed Sheeran!
All right.
Ed, who's on your team?
Erm, on my left, I have the
fantastic Chris Kamara.
And on my right, I have my
mate from South Shields,
and I told him, if
I ever did Juice,
I promised that he
would do it with me,
so I'm glad he could
make it today.
It's Chris Ramsey.
Perfect!
Ed Sheeran, thanks
for joining us, man.
Thanks for having me. I've been
trying to come on this since 2011,
but I've always... Since 2011?
Yeah. But October's always the
month that I end up touring,
so I haven't ever been...
We've actually got a letter
that you sent to one of our
producers asking to come on.
I'll read it out.
"Dear Keith, pleeeeease can
I come on Celebrity Juice?
It's all I ever wanted.
When I watch the show,
I get so excited,
piss comes out."
"I deliberately broke my arm
so I didn't have to come
on tour and come on.
Please say you will!
Love from Ed Sheeran."
And it's also done in a
ginger pen, as well.
It was meant to be confidential,
so cheers... Oh, sorry, man.
Sorry, man.
So, seriously, what
happened to your arm?
Er, I fell off a bike. Pissed?
No. I was actually
cycling to the pub.
Good that...
It's fake news, though, and
it's like this is the PR spin.
Well...
I'm sure that you've worked
out what actually happened.
Yes. Yes.
My, my friend, Jamal,
you know Jamal, Fearne?
Mm! He's a toilet attendant.
And he saw you in a nightclub
wanking so fast...
..that your spaff exploded
with such force, it threw you back
and you broke both your arms.
We've got a picture
of you in the toilet
just after the spaff
hit your face.
We're not even ten minutes in.
I'm enjoying this.
Your thing that you miss the most is
wanking, when you broke your arms.
I didn't say it was the
thing I missed the most.
I'm desperate to masturbate!
I tell you what. On Celebrity Juice
we're about making dreams come true.
So, because Ed no longer can
masturbate with his broken arm...
..and then to say thanks
for coming on the show, I've
got you a special gift. Right.
So, they... This is a...
This is the Celebrity Juice
hands-free wanking device.
And I've already taken
this to Dragons' Den.
I don't know if it's gonna
be in the next series.
But if you endorse it,
it could well work.
Unbelievable. Should
we try it on?
Yeah. Yeah, let's do it. Aah!
It's a bit tight, hold on.
That's to spit in,
which goes down there.
No, no, no, you...
There's the pleasurising arm.
OK.
And there's the arm that's
gonna catch the residue.
How do I do it?
Well, you, you spit down
there and nod your head.
OH. Yeah?
Ed, before you were
a famous person,
you did an audition for
a part in a series
called Britannia High.
Am I right?
Yeah. Yeah.
You're gonna show the clip.
Have we got a clip?
Of course you do. Fuck!
We ain't got a clip.
You definitely do.
I know you do.
Why am I talking about it
if we ain't got a clip?
Oh, have you got a still?
Haven't got a still.
So, The Kammy,
Yes. I'm sorry, I'll
introduce you properly.
IT'S CHRIS KAMARA!
Chris.
Would you like to see the clip.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK!
..As each episode
of Britannia High
featured difficult choreography some
were clearly going to struggle.
Ed hasn't a clue what he's
doing, but he's trying.
I'm just trying to really
get it in my head.
I think I messed up as well, I got
kicked in the face by accident.
OK, music.
Like I Love You
Not even an option.
So, eventually, we're gonna have
to find some people who dance,
cos they can't all not dance.
Wow.
Can I say? Can I say?
The year that I had
my first hit single, I
bumped into Arlene Phillips,
and she was, like, "I'm
glad that you sing now."
Does she spit or
does she 'sawalho',
it's Nadia Sawalha!
Why don't you just try and
say, go on, try and say it.
Nadia Sawal-balla-llal...
But, go on, try.
Try to say it properly.
Focus. Nadia
Sawalha-ball-in-a...
Chris Cameron, can you say it?
Nadia Swahalia.
Oh, gosh.
That's sounded like
you're having a piss.
Swahalia...
I was.
You've been, you've been
on Loose Women since 1999.
We've got a picture of
you back in the day.
I often get asked, erm,
when I go on Loose Women
which is me favourite Loose
Woman and I always say you.
Is it cos of my tits?
You've got tits, which
makes you a female...
You're not getting sex at the moment.
Who said that?
You've been waking up in the middle
of the night. With my insomnia.
Yeah, and you can't get any sex,
so you've been doing cleaning.
And sexualising yourself,
whilst cleaning.
Oh, God! I know what you've got.
We have a picture of you.
Cleaning windows with your tits.
Do you know what? I know
him, I know him, I do.
It's Louis Walsh!
Let's get the gossip from
you, from The X Factor.
Do you feel that you
might win this year,
or, or what... Who do
you think's gonna win?
I think I'll have somebody
in the final. Yes.
I do, yeah. Yes. Exciting, innit?
The X Factor.
This year, yes.
But you say that every year.
I know I do, but,
honestly, this...
This year I really think
we've got some great people.
As well as X Factor, the biggest
news that we've got about you
is that you've done a voiceover
for a Christmas TV show,
for dogs, about dogs.
Yeah. It's actually
made for dogs to watch?
That's true, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
That's new. Different.
It's a gig.
That's weird, when you said that, I
did the dog thing, I went, "Huh?"
I can't believe you said that!
What's it called, Louis?
I forget. Woofs,
Woofter, or something.
Woofter or something.
It's A Woof's Life or something.
Woofter's Life.
It's something like that. Louis, I'll
tell you what it's called. Merry Woofmas.
OK. OK. OK. OK. Merry Woofmas.
OK. OK.
We've got a clip of it,
let's have a look at this.
It's Christmas morning
and sitting at home
Holly the doggie
is after a bone...
In her Christmas stocking
there's many a treat
But her big juicy bone
is all she wants to eat
Oh, that's a big bone.
Louis, why don't you give her a message?
We have a
big fanbase of dogs that
watch Celebrity Juice.
Yeah, yeah. Sausage dogs...
Your message down camera five.
They love it. Sell it
to the dogs at home
that are watching, on
camera five down there.
This is a very short movie, it's
for Christmas and it's for...
Louis, Louis, Louis. They aren't
gonna understand that. Speak in dog.
OK.
You know how to do
that, don't you?
Woof? Woof, woof, woof. That's "hello".
That's "hello".
Urf, urf, urf!
Gonna get sacked.
If Cowell sees this, I am gone.
I am so done. You know that!
He's my brother in real
life from another mother,
it's Chris Kamara! Whoo!
Hey, bruv.
I tell you what, erm,
congratulations is in order,
because it's my brother
Chris's birthday
on Christmas Day.
It's his 60th birthday.
Looks well, doesn't he?
Yeah. Fiftieth.
Fifty? It's not your 50th,
that's your telly age.
It's a conspiracy
theory, apparently,
that you could actually
be the Lord Jesus Christ.
I think we've got a photograph
of when you were born.
- There you are.
- Hallelujah
♪ Hallelujah ♪
Born laughing. Born laughing.
I can't believe that you're there,
because it was three wise men there.
Always laughing.
How do you stay so happy? Aaah.
I love life. You love life.
But you like singing, don't you?
I do. I have a little
trill every now and then.
Do you go to the local pub
and have a sing song?
Not the local pub. If only we had
a clip of him having a sing song,
so Louis could tell us if
he's got the X Factor.
OK. If ONLY we had a clip.
Oh, you have. Let's
have a look at this.
♪ The touch of your hand says
you'll catch me wherever I fall...
Come on, all, your turn now.
♪ Cos you say it best
When you say nothing at all... ♪
It was good.
Louis?
Louis, what you think?
Really good. Is it
a "yes" from you?
I'm saying yes! Better
than the original.
Hold the phone. What?
Apparently,
a few dogs have been
watching Celebrity Juice.
They've sent in some video messages.
Let's have a look at those.
OK, good.
Oh, that's funny!
Should we go old school?
Go on, then.
Let's play... Don't
Show Keith Your Teeth.
Aah, yes.
OK, this is a word association game.
I'll give you a category,
you must give me a word
associated with that category.
The name of the game is Don't Show Keith
Your Teeth. Don't show me your teeth.
The category is...
Christopher.
Playstation.
Pick your nose.
Mmm, mmm!
No.
Knit a jumper.
Nadia Swa-la-la-la-la.
Masturbate.
Play with a yo-yo.
Play with a yo-yo.
Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Er, aggressively
masturbate in a sock.
Swear.
Clean windows.
Everybody, I'm
cleaning the windows.
Clap.
'Make my mum.'
Make what?
Oh!
Piano.
Piano. Ed.
Saxophone.
Scratch your back.
Dracula! Dracula!
And then you went
Putting your make-up on. Yes.
Turn the alarm off.
Stroke someone.
- Do Origami.
- Oh.
Fingerblast.
Put your jeans on.
Put your jeans on.
Fearne? Play the piano.
That means that Ed's
team is the winner!
The scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
We're gonna go off to an ad break, so
I'll see you in three. See you in a bit!
Coming up after the break...
Oh, no!
HURRAH!
YES!
Ed? Have you ever seen an
elderly person with dentures
and they have a bit of
food stuck in their teeth?
I always tell someone if they've
got something in their teeth.
Then let's play...
All right!
Hi. Here I am in one of the
bedrooms at Shady Pines,
which is one of Elstree's
premier old-people's homes.
The pensioners there,
have been very kind to us
and given us their dentures.
I want to shout a big out to all those
old people there who are so nice.
Erm, so, what's gonna happen is
I'm gonna give some
dentures to our panellists.
All they have to do is
stick them in their mouth
and give me the ID
of their last meal.
It's so simple.
- It's so...
- Real nice
First up to play is Louis Walsh!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, you can get it, Louis.
Look at the joy in his face.
You all right? Do you want
me to get a blanket for you?
I won't get sick.
Nice. It's nice, that. Oh.
Just in case you spill anything
on you, there you go. Oh, fuck.
Louis, it's a point for your team.
Louis, here we are.
It's just... Look, there it is.
- You guys at home...
- You can see it.
That's what the meal was.
You wanna get it out?
What do I have to do? Put
'em in, give 'em a suck...
Bffff!
..and detect what the meal was.
Eurgh!
You're a food detector.
Eugh! Agh!
Oh, Keith.
No!
What was it?
What did you think it was?
Blargh!
Oooh, no!
Blargh! Not yet.
What would you say it was?
I've no fucking idea.
I'll, I'll give you a clue, yeah?
Yeah.
It's livers and
spinach and bacon.
What do you think it is, Louis?
Liver...
There was definitely
some liver in it.
Yes. And maybe a
little bit of bacon.
Yes. Yeah. For a point,
what was the green stuff?
I don't know.
What, what does Popeye eat?
Spinach. Yes, that's
correct, Louis Walsh!
Oh, my God! Next up to play, it's
probably a pinnacle of his career,
it's the Grammy-winning
Ed Sheeran.
Oh.
How comfy is this chair?
Comfort.
I literally, like, cos
you didn't pick Fearne,
so I was just joking with Chris.
I was like, "I'm fucking
glad it's not me."
There you go. For
those of you at home,
this is what it is, this
is what the meal is.
See the teeth.
I can't see. There you go.
So glad that he wrote
that letter to us now.
FEARNE: It looks nice.
It's got chocolate.
Don't think of dog food.
It's not dog food.
Fuck off, Fearne. Fuck
off, mate, Jesus.
Here, hold on, hold on, hold on.
I can't even look.
That's Louis Walsh's spit!
Ed, what's your thoughts? What
you thinking that meal was?
Coffee beans. What else?
It was a full meal, so coffee
was one element of it.
Think old people,
think breakfast time.
- Like coffee and eggs?
- Close.
The adjudicators have just told
me we need three elements.
Coffee, eggs...
Coffee, egg and...
Oh, no. Porridge.
Porridge. That's correct!
Ed Sheeran, everyone!
Oh, all right, then!
And the scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
Ed, you're private when it comes
to your love life, aren't you?
Erm, but last series,
someone came on the show
and admitted that they'd shagged ya.
We've got a picture.
You and Mr Blunt!
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were lovers for a while? He
was catching, I was pitching.
Was he on last season? He isn't
actually my boyfriend, if anyone...
But, yeah.
In case anyone thinks...
Just making...
He's a good-looking fellow? Lovely.
Would you? No. We're mates.
Fuck off. You would.
No, I wouldn't.
Oh, he did that show with you. We
went out and got very drunk...
You got drunk? Yes. I used to do that
sort of thing. Very boring as fuck now.
She stopped getting drunk when she got
off with me when she were pissed.
Sucked it and choked on it,
like one of those pornos.
Do you admit it?
I could be the drunkest
pisshead in the world
and it would still
never, ever happen.
Once she put her tongue in
me bum, which I'm not into.
I'm, I'm an old-fashioned lover.
I like missionary position,
cuddle afterwards,
wipe it up with a flannel
watch Kardashians.
Who's ever met Phillip
Schofield, here?
Yeah. You met Phillip Schofield?
Enough times. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's sex mad. Yeah. He is.
Cos he's a sexy guy.
Well, I've come up with a
game that's very similar
to a game that sexy
Phillip Schofield does.
But it's totally different, because
it's named after a better shape,
and I've called it...
'The Circle.'
Hi. Welcome to my brand-new
show, The Circle.
'The Circle.'
Which is nothing like The Cube because
it is, in actual fact, a circle.
'The Circle.'
The rules for The Circle...
'The Circle.'
The rules for The Circle...
'The Circle.'
All you've got to do is
stay within the circle.
'The Circle.'
First up to play The Circle...
'The Circle.'
First up to enter my circle...
'The Circle.'
OH, FUCKING SHUT UP!
'I'm just trying to do my job.'
First up to enter The
Circle is Fearne Cotton.
Thanks very much. Welcome. Stand
by the side of The Circle.
If Phillip's is called The Cube,
shouldn't it be The Sphere?
What's a sphere? Oh, fuck it.
OK, so step into The Circle.
Remember, we're best friends these days.
Yeah. We're good friends.
We really like each other.
All you've gotta do is
stay in The Circle.
I'm in it. All you gotta do. Shall I
take a stance like that? It's up to you.
Just stay in The Circle. Are you
gonna speak to me? I don't know.
What is it? Do I
take some paper?
That's mildly annoying.
You've done worse.
YES!
Hold your ground, Fearne,
hold your ground.
Go, girl! You can do it.
Still in The Circle.
I mean, that was quite annoying.
Not like having kitchen roll around
you when you're having chips,
just in case you drop a chip and
a bit of grease gets on you.
Oh, right. Would
you like a chip?
Yeah, I'd love one. Thanks.
Do you want some more chips?
Er, yeah, why not? They're
quite nice, actually.
She's still in The Circle!
I'm still here.
Thanks.
They are, aren't they?
I'm still here.
Gonna annoy me some more?
Let's, let's have, let's
have a little kiss.
Oh, I'm all right, thanks.
I'll get out.
You stayed in The Circle.
Fearne Cotton, everyone!
Next to come in my circ... I won't
say "next to come in my circle."
Next to play The Circle
is Christopher Ramsey!
Go on, pop yourself in.
There, you're in, you're in.
Easy, innit? All you
gotta do is stay in.
So easy.
What the hell, man?
That was me arse,
not me trainers.
You see, there's one of
my friends down there.
Fucking... What is
wrong with you, MAN?
But one of my friends
is very lonely.
OH, NO!
I know exactly what...
Oh! You fucking animal!
Chris Ramsey, left The Circle!
No point for your team!
It's on me fucking pants.
Next up to enter The
Circle is Ed Sheeran.
Careful. Be careful,
it's a bit slippy.
What have you done, man?
Straight into The Circle,
no fear, at all.
OK. All you've got to do to win
a point for your team, Ed,
is stay in The Circle. It's pretty easy.
Feeling confident?
No, it's easy, man. It's easy.
It's easy. Yeah, yeah.
I'm gonna get in The Circle with you.
All right.
You're Beautiful
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
That was brilliant! He's
broke me jewellery.
I've got something
very special for you.
Tonight, for one night only,
we've not got one Ed Sheeran, but
we have invited some tribute acts.
- Oh, no, you fucking haven't, you.
- We have invited some tribute acts.
I know... So, please welcome
Ed Sheeran tribute band
wearing no clothes...
Thinking Out Loud
How much... How much
did they pay you?
Nothing.
That's the first Ed
Sheeran tribute act.
Here's the second one.
Wa-hey! Wa-hey.
Lordy. Come on, let's go, son.
Oh, my... OH!
Eh? OK. Thanks. Why don't
you all get in The Circle?
Oh! OK. OK.
He's still in The
Circle, everyone.
And the scores at the end of
that round are... sha-ting!
Ed, why don't you lead to break?
Hi, I'm Ed. Break,.
Coming up after the break...
OK, I'm gonna transport your heads
onto a different person's body now!
Prrrr-ping!
HURRAH!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Having a good time?
YEAH!
They're having a good time. 'Ere,
Ed, do you like superheroes?
Yeah. Do you like the
Incredible Hulk?
No really.
Say that you like the
Incredible Hulk.
I love the Incredible Hulk.
Say that you'd
like to put your head
through his arsehole.
I'd love to put my head in the
Incredible Hulk's arsehole.
Then let's play...
First up to play is none
other than Chris Kamara!
Whoo!
OK, you've got your head in there.
How you doing?
I'm good. Are you living the dream being
inside the Incredible Hulk's arsehole?
OK, Chris, I'm gonna transport your
head onto another celebrity's body.
Now! Shiprr-bing!
Right, ask your team questions.
You can only answer yes or no.
Ask us questions we can
only answer yes or no.
ASK THEM FUCKING QUESTIONS!
NOW! Jesus.
Go! Now! Am I an actor?
No. Am I a politician?
No. No.
Am I a sportsman? Yes. YES!
Am I the best footballer
on the planet?
YES! Yes. Yes, you are. Yes.
Lionel Messi. No.
NO!
Have a bit more faith in yourself. You're
the best footballer on the planet!
Cristiano Ronaldo! Fucking hell!
When we said you were the best
footballer, we were being nice.
- ..Trying to be nice?
- Yes.
Oh, is it to do with me?
Yeah. Yes!
Oh, I'm me! YES!
Oh, bless you, man. Brilliant.
It was you in your
Portsmouth gear. Oh.
Next up to play, it's
Fearne and Nadia.
You'll do good.
OK, I'm gonna transport your heads
onto a different person's body now.
Prrrr-ping!
Am I tall?
Yep.
Am I a woman? No.
No. Are we a body part?
Yes. Someone's bollocks.
Whose bollocks are we?
Am I a knob end? We're a pair
of ball bags, Nadia! No, no.
Fearne is right. This'll
be a screenshot
that'll haunt us forever.
We're Louis Walsh's ball bags?
No, you're right. Are we
Ed Sheeran's ball bags?
No. No.
Are we Chris Kamara's ball bags?
No.
Whose ball bags...? Are we
Simon Cowell's ball bags?
YEAH!
Fearne and Nadia, everyone!
Next up to play is Ed Sheeran!
Good luck.
Ed, I'm gonna transport your head
onto another celebrity body now!
Prrr-ta-ping!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. It's really bad.
It's really, really bad.
Now, Chris.
Chris. FEARNE: Who's that? Mate.
Is this gonna make it on TV?
Who is that? Mate...
Mate, I'll be honest with you, there
is a large portion of this picture
that won't make it on TV.
Am I someone's bellend?
- No.
- Er...
NO! I'll be honest with you,
you can't see the bellend.
Ed, just look down a second.
Look down.
There, that's better.
Who the fuck is that on the poster?
It's James Blunt.
- Is it James Blunt?
- I don't know.
Am I part of an orgy?
Possibly. Am I
someone's arsehole?
- No. No.
- No. No.
Am I near someone's penis?
They're closer to yours
than you're theirs.
Am I, er, am I ready to
put a penis in my mouth?
Ah! Oh!
Am I putting my penis
in someone's mouth?
YAY!
Am I me getting a fucking
chewy from James Blunt?
YEAH!
That was good.
How did he know it was James Blunt?
A proper gob job, innit?
Ed Sheeran, everyone!
Oh, right. That's good, man.
Thank you, man. Fucking... How the fuck did
you get that? I watch this show a lot.
It's time for our final
round, it's the Buzzer round.
Buzz only if you
know the answer,
if you don't know the answer,
buzz in anyway and guess.
What's your buzzer, Ed?
'Ha-ha-ha. Fucking stinky. Have
you got ginger arsehole hair?'
Fearne, what's your
buzzer this week?
'That's why I'm taking
you to boot camp.'
Here's the first question.
Who can do the best impression
of Janet Street-Porter
from Loose Women?
'Ha-ha-ha. Ha! Ginger
pubes!' That's Ed's team.
Chris Ramsey. Chris Ramsey?
Louis?
I'm so intelligent.
Why is Louis Walsh
looking so happy here?
'Ginger tits!'
He's finally got one of his finalists
in the final of the X Factor.
Good one, Ed.
Let's have a look. Let's reveal.
Sorry. No, it's from the pot of
gold at the end of the rainbow.
Ed, this is a question for you.
'Ginger willy!'
Do...
'Ginger willy!'
And, Louis, you know that
happens every now and then.
'Ginger willy!'
What... 'Ginger arsehole
hair!' What happened?
Do you want us to play a clip of you
dancing at the Britannia High, again?
Fuck it, yeah, go for it.
YES!
Like I Love You
Not even an option.
Oh! That's the end
of our Buzzer round.
That's the end of this
week's Celebrity Juice.
I can tell you that the
winning team is...
It's Ed's team!
I was Keith Lemon.
If I don't see you for a week,
I'll see you for the last dance!
Shape Of You
BYE-BYE!
Subtitles by Deluxe