Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 18, Episode 3 - Episode #18.3 - full transcript
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon.
Check out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking,
"What the fuck is going on?"
But don't worry, it's just another
over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for
the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Hurrah!
Hello.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(WHISTLING)
Hurrah!
AUDIENCE: Hurrah!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm just doing online content.
You see what happened with me chair?
That was exciting, weren't it?
WELCOME TO CELEBRITY JUICE.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughby.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
I know. Yeah, it has.
Holly, who's on your team?
On my right I've got
a lamb sandwich,
it's a George and Larry Lamb
sandwich.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
And on my left,
she's just won Big Brother.
It's Sarah Harding.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
It's Fearne Cotton!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Fearne, who's on your team?
Well, on my left
it's the new Gino D'acampo.
It's Jimmy Carr!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
The new Gino?
Yeah.
That's a TERRIBLE thing to say.
I know.
It is a terrible thing to say.
And on my right, the gorgeous,
the sparkly Paloma Faith.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WOLF WHISTLING)
Paloma, you look like a cross between
Blackpool Front and Wayne's World.
(ALL LAUGH)
You look lovely.
The slogan is just for you.
The slogan is
"Pussy grabs back".
Oh-ho-ho! YES!
You like that?
Or, as Holly calls it, a vagina.
The vagina.
A bloody bush.
Paloma, what do you call yours?
The empty chasm of despair.
(ALL LAUGH)
# Baa, baa, grey sheep
Have you any wool?
♪ Yes, sir,
yes, sir George and Larry Lamb ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Baa!
It's nice to have, like,
a father-and-son combo.
It's lovely.
What were you like as a nipper?
Were you a naughty boy?
No, I was quite a well-behaved boy.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Larry, did you ever catch him
playing about with his todge?
No, he didn't. I didn't.
I caught him plenty.
(ALL LAUGH)
Have you walked in to your dad
pumping fist?
I've definitely walked in to him
with various stepmums, for sure.
(ALL LAUGH)
You all right, Holly?
Oh, my God.
Tell us about your new show.
We've just been cycling
around Britain for the last month.
We went to four national parks,
and it's on Channel 5
on Friday night at eight o'clock.
So watch it. It's called
Britain By Bike
With Larry and George.
Let your dad say something.
It's not just about you.
(ALL LAUGH)
It's all right, it's much easier.
When's the bicycle one, again?
Friday, week.
No, no, this is going out
on Thursday. Right. Here we go.
(ALL LAUGH)
There's a lot of this in the show.
Hey?
That's why I don't let dad say
anything.
It's sad, isn't it, when they go?
Yeah, isn't it?
(ALL LAUGH)
It's bad when you've got to fucking
work with him as well. It's tough.
Poor Larry.
Larry.
Yes.
You were in the jungle recently.
I was in the jungle, not too
recently, almost a year ago.
You loved it?
I certainly did.
Absolutely loved it. Yeah?
Did you have to eat anything weird?
I got away with that, no.
I couldn't do it.
Chewing fish eyes,
and then spitting them into a cup,
so you've got a cup full of stewed
spit eyes.
Yeah. Is this in the jungle
or the care home that you're at?
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
It sounds awful. George,
would you ever do the jungle?
No.
No.
No, no, I don't wanna do the jungle.
Jimmy, would you go in jungle?
100%, yeah. Would ya?
It's the biggest show on TV.
No one's bigger than that.
Go on it then, Jimmy.
I would do it. Sorry?
Why don't you go on it?
I'm busy, mate. I've got a career.
(ALL LAUGH)
Yes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Yeah. Yeah!
She gives me a hard-on,
it's Sarah Hard-on.
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Congratulations.
Winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
How does it feel to be out of
the Big Brother house?
Do you go into the airing cupboard
and think it's the Diary Room?
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it feels a bit weird,
actually.
Yeah, does it?
Yeah.
How was it?
It was interesting.
I mean, I was reading online
some of the stories and stuff.
It's pretty intense.
Elaborate on the intenseness.
There was good intense,
there was bad intense,
and there was the ugly intense.
You found love in there. We have
a picture of the man you became
romantically involved with.
Mm, oh, yeah.
There he is.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Who's that?
Paul Danan.
Paul Danan.
Are you re-enacting a scene from
There's Something About Mary?
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHTER)
Did you have a fling
with Paul Danan?
No, did I 'eck? No!
No, no, he's got the wrong one.
It were this fat bastard here.
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: Who's that?
HOLLY: Is that your love interest?
Maybe.
Why did you fall for him?
What's he got?
(LAUGHING)
I didn't actually go in there
looking for anything at all.
I didn't look at him like that.
He's my friend.
She fell on him and just fell on it.
It was an accident.
Who is he?
He's a handsome man.
He's from The Bachelor.
He's from The Bachelor?
That's a reality show in America...
He's not a bachelor anymore.
He's not a bachelor,
he's the winner.
Yeah.
Are you going over to America?
I am. Yes.
Will you be living there...?
No, no. I'm going next week but
I'm doing work over there as well.
What are you doing? Can you tell us?
Have we got an exclusive?
I'm going back into the studio.
To do music?
Yes. Also writing.
You think you'll do some DJing?
I'll do a little bit of DJing, yeah.
You also do a bit of acting?
A little bit, yeah. You were in
one of the fittest films ever.
St Tinian's.
Oh, yeah.
It was full of fit birds.
We've got a picture of you.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
Also, Paloma Faith was in it.
Let's have a look at Paloma.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
Paloma was obviously Edward
Scissorhands' girlfriend.
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, my God.
# Well, you've got to have
faith, faith, faith
♪ You gotta have faith, f-faith
f-faith Paloma Faith ♪
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(APPLAUSE)
I love it that my career
has spanned such heights
that you have to use the song of
another musical artist
to introduce me.
Don't you just love it?
I love it.
You fucking love it with a passion.
I love it.
(LAUGHTER)
You cocky Bjork bastard.
(LAUGHTER)
How's it going, Paloma?
Good.
Haven't seen you for a long time.
I was creating another human being.
A CHILD!
Congratulations!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Thank you.
(GIGGLES)
You've got a new single out.
Yeah.
Do you know it yet?
'Course I do. Can you do it?
# I wanna cry baby
Cry baby
# Cos it's...
(MUMBLES LYRICS)
(LAUGHTER)
# So I cry baby
Cry baby
♪ (MUMBLES LYRICS) ♪
(ALL LAUGH)
Just like her.
I sound like her.
That was very good.
Beautiful.
Here it is.
It's a real copy...
A physical formation.
..not just a download.
When the album comes out
on November 17,
it's called The Architect...
The Architect.
..and it will be out then
and you can buy a physical one.
And you can buy a vinyl.
Oh, really? Which I like.
Is Samuel L Jackson
working on this album?
Yeah.
Does he sing?
I'm not saying
what he's doing on it.
Is he doing rapping?
Who knows? Oh, tell us,
please tell us, please tell us.
It's a mystery.
Fair dues. Will you tell us after?
No.
I'm not fucking interested.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, everyone, he's the sexiest man
on TV right now,
it's none other than
Jimmy Ca-ha-ha-ha...
(IMITATING JIMMY'S LAUGH)
Always with the laugh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Yeah, well...
Aah.
Nice to see you again. It's lovely
that you come on so often these days.
I've missed you so much.
I love being on this show.
What's your thought
behind what you're wearing?
I'm... He didn't want you
to see him. What's the message?
The message?
The world's in a terrible state
and I'm ready for anything.
You look it.
I'm ready.
If I have to go to North Korea
and sort things out, I'm going.
(LAUGHTER)
George and Larry, the last time you
was on here was six years ago
and we played Silence Of The Lambs.
But we're gonna play it again.
This time, Jimmy's gonna help me.
So let's play
The Silence Of The Lambs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Here we are in
The Silence Of The Lambs The Revenge,
Baaaaack With The Revenge
With Jimmy...
I can't remember what it's called.
We're in the arena of that game
where you saw the graphic.
Erm, Jimmy's helping me. We've got to
make George and Larry laugh.
Erm, if they do indeed laugh,
Fearne's team will win a point
and you won't win a point.
It's so easy.
There's gonna be different categories
on how we make them laugh.
Paloma Faith has those categories,
so let's go over to her
for the first category.
Paloma Faith,
what's the first category?
(DRUM ROLL)
It is...Gardening.
JIMMY: Gardening.
Gardening?
Ow! You bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Gardening. No laughing. No laughing.
(TURNS ON BLOWER)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Same, no laughter.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Larry, are you still alive?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Paloma, what's the next category,
please?
(DRUM ROLL)
The next category is
Roast Lamb.
Roast Lamb.
Oh? Oh, fuck!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Get him!
What's she doing?
(LAUGHS)
We have to roast them?
Roast lamb.
I'm not very nasty, though.
I can...
I'm not very nasty.
I can do nasty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You go first, you go first.
You act, you present,
do radio, theatre.
Think you'll ever find anything
you're good at?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(YAWNS)
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Hey, you guys have got no socks on.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY,
PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Have you ever, can I ask, genuinely
have you ever double-teamed a girl?
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
The colour of your jacket's
a bit drab, innit?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Are you enjoying
your last TV appearance?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
There might be a BAFTA tribute,
but this is really it for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
George, I think you'd be
better looking if, erm,
if you had blue eyes. (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You've got brown eyes. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(BUZZER, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(KEITH AND JIMMY LAUGHING)
A point for Fearne's team!
How magic.
(SIGHS)
Paloma! What's the next category?
(DRUM ROLL)
Lamby Love.
Gear up now.
(LAUGHTER)
Lamby Love. Oooh.
I'm not sure it's entirely
appropriate.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hmm, that's nice and smart.
(ALL LAUGH)
Think I'll use this.
Hang on. Hang on.
Hold hands.
Cue the music!
# MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March
(KEITH LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
George, you may kiss the bride!
(WOLF WHISTLING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(BUZZER)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Across the mouth, too.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
Thank you.
Paloma, what's the next category?
(DRUM ROLL)
It's Holiday Snaps.
(SARAH LAUGHS)
Ow.
(LAUGHTER)
We've got some holiday snaps here
that we've collected
for George and Larry.
We're gonna look at them
to see if we can bring
some fond memories back.
There you go, there's yours, there.
Mm-hm.
Pretty tame. Can you remember
where you are there?
What's that one from?
Ephesus, I think. Do you remember
where you were for this one?
(ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHTER, BUZZER)
Larry, look, he's laughing.
(LAUGHTER)
That's really good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHING)
I think he might have had a stroke,
you know. I don't know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm sure he did,
she's a very attractive woman.
The photo that comes after that one,
if you can see that.
You see? You see?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Is he shitting in the street there?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I've got the end of the night there.
(LAUGHTER)
A human caterpillar!
(BUZZER)
(LAUGHTER)
You can't even really tell
that's me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You can't see my face in there.
(LAUGHTER)
Any recollection of that evening?
I love that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Larry Lamb is the champion!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
And the scores at the end of that
round are...sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Well done.
We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break...
OK, head down a bit.
In your own time.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHTER)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
HURRAH!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Sarah, your first big hit was
Sound Of The Underground.
It was.
What I want to know is
can you make the sound of
the Underground?
(LAUGHS)
I knew this was coming.
I'll give a point for any of you who
can do...
It's sort of like that,
but if you sped it up.
Like, if they record it...
That's a point for Fearne's team.
There you go.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(LAUGHS)
Well, this next game is all about
sounds, so let's play
♪ It's the sound of the... ♪
Domestic Appliance!
(SARAH AND AUDIENCE LAUGH)
The Sound Of The Domestic Appliance.
Erm, I'm gonna give you
a domestic appliance,
you have to do the sound of
that domestic appliance.
Hopefully, your team mates will
guess what that domestic appliance is
for a point for your team.
It's so eeeasy.
First up to play is Paloma Faith!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
YAY!
Do you whisper it?
Yeah, I'll whisper it to you. OK.
(MUMBLES) ..Washer. OK.
OK.
Yeah, you ready?
For people at home,
this is what it is.
Here's the dramatic lighting change.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, now make the sound of
the domestic appliance
erm, to your team mates.
You're watching ITV2. We're doing
domestic appliance noises.
Shhhhh!
Shh-sss-shh.
A tap. A shower.
Shh-sss-shh-sss-shh.
(BLOWS)
A washing machine.
Shhhhhh!
Tumble dryer?
Chshh-chshh-chshh-chshh!
A dishwasher.
Yes, she did it!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
You don't know it,
but when you're a mum,
like, those things
are really pleasing.
(ALL LAUGH)
It's my favourite place.
Next up is Sarah Harding!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
All right.
(PALOMA LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) OK. OK.
HOLLY: He's cut to the chase.
Face your team mates.
Now make a sound of
the domestic appliance.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!
(ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHS)
I'll give you a clue,
it's not a vibrator.
How do I do it? Tsh!
A toister. A toaster!
(ALL LAUGH)
Yes, it was a toister.
A toister. It's a toister.
Well done, Sarah Harding.
(PING!)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I don't know where
"Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!" came from.
Next up is Jimmy Carr.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
I think that's spelt wrong.
Er, no, I think
that's a different thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'll do the noise first.
OK.
Fearne's team. FEARNE: Yes.
(JIMMY AND KEITH SPEAK)
So...
(IMITATES SQUELCHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(IMITATES QUEEFING)
Is that Paloma's
deep cavity of despair?
(LAUGHTER)
YES. Yes, but it's not the real one.
Right.
(IMITATES QUEEFING)
A sink plunger.
Silicone...
It's like a sink plunger
mixed with cavern of despair.
A silicone vagina.
Yeah. Yeah. A Fleshlight.
A Fleshlight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
A Fleshlight.
You don't know what a Fleshlight is?
In its... Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oooh!
It's like a torch, but it's got
a minge in it and you can...
What. The. Hell is going on?
But it makes the noise... (QUEEFING)
It's sort of, it sort of
queefs on you when you're...
(LAUGHTER)
..because the air...
Have you got one?
Huh? Have I got ONE?
I haven't got ONE.
(ALL LAUGH)
Jimmy Carr, everybody!
Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
I didn't know what one was.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
And the scores at the end of
that round are sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Jimmy, you've got a new series of
Your Face Or Mine out
on the 4th October at 8:00pm,
on Comedy Central.
If you've never seen Your Face Or
Mine what happens?
OK, so, you get a couple
on the show... Yes.
..and they initially have to judge
famous people, who's better looking.
Brad Pitt or George Clooney?
Whatever the current thing is.
Then, they have to judge each other.
Is it good?
It is good!
We did some genuinely
terrible things.
We got this lovely lesbian couple
who came on and their mums
happened to be there,
and they had to tell us who had
the best looking mum. (PALOMA GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! Ooh!
I know. We're the worst.
He's a horrible man.
(LAUGHTER)
Jimmy?
Erm, you know I like swimming?
You love swimming.
I love swimming.
Aah, swimming.
I was swimming, and I bumped into
your friend. Did you?
Stephen Hawking.
Right.
He said, "Wouldn't it be great if
you did the Theory Of Anything again?
That game that you did ages ago."
Remember that game...
I do. I do remember the game.
So, let's play it again!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(MAN AS STEPHEN HAWKING)
'The Theory Of Anything.'
Hi. Exciting times for me,
exciting times for you.
If you like Back To The Future,
lucky for me,
Stephen Hawking, apparently,
is friends with Stephen Spielberg,
and he was kind enough to give us
the keys to Doc Brown's science lab
from the film Back To The Future
back in 1985.
I'm just waiting for the phone...
(PHONE RINGING)
That must be Stephen Hawking now.
He's gonna tell us what experiments
we're gonna do.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, is that Steve?
Word to your mum.
'Hello, Keith.
Hello. You all right?
'I am bloody brilliant.'
(LAUGHTER)
What's the first experiment, Stevo?
(READING)
Is it possible to catch a cocktail
sausage that's been
fired out of a snorkel?
'Yes.'
I don't know. Oh, you want us to do
that experiment.
'Holly Willoughby
and Sarah Harding.'
Of course! It's Holly and Sarah!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
It's a dream.
This is amazing. I like the lab.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
It's exciting times.
Are you living the dream right now?
I'm Michael J Fox.
I'm Marty McFly doing lots of this.
"I don't know, Doc." (WHINES)
(LAUGHTER)
What you've got to do is
wear a snorkel
and fire a cocktail sausage
from the snorkel,
and catch it.
OK.
Have you decided who's gonna wear
the snorkel?
You're snorkelling...
I've got a good set of lungs on me.
You're catching.
Oh, you ARE a singer!
Singer's lungs.
You ARE a singer.
So if you'd like to place this
on your person. Thank you very much.
(LAUGHS) Is that your sausage bag?
That is. Are they raw?
That's not a sausage.
I said a cocktail sausage.
OK, let's put it in.
Yeah, yeah, get down.
Like this? Get down on your knees.
That's it.
(ALL LAUGH)
No, no, no.
You want them loose.
Let's pop one in now.
OK.
BOTH: Right.
I'm just gonna move you.
You angle her.
Turn, turn, turn, stop.
This is for science, remember.
Ready?
Three, two, one...
(BLOWS) There's nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
There's nothing there.
Sh!
Did you suck it?
No, I didn't suck it.
Have you eaten it?
(LAUGHS)
Have you eaten it?
(LAUGHS)
It didn't...
It's gone! It's gone.
(ALL LAUGH)
Have you fucking eaten it?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You've eaten it!
She's eaten it!
How can you not remember
that you've eaten it?
I have not eaten it!
I'll put another one in.
Don't eat it!
(LAUGHTER)
It's OK.
OK. Head down a bit. Down a bit.
In your own time.
(BLOWS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
Ah!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(SIGHS)
Right.
Right, well, it's in, it's in.
OK, really... OK, ready?
Yeah.
Ready, steady...
(INHALES DEEPLY, BLOWS)
YAY!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(KEITH LAUGHS, WHISTLING)
That's two points for Holly's team.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Holly and Sarah, everyone!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, that's the phone.
That's the phone.
Oh, it's fucking PPI.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, no,
I've not just got a loan.
No, I don't have any insurance and
don't have a bank account. Fuck off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, PHONE RINGING)
Hello, is that PPI?
MAN AS HAWKING: 'No.'
I though it was this PPI thing.
Are we gonna do another experiment?
'Yes.'
(REPEATS) What is it?
'Is it possible to spell words
correctly...
(READING)
Who would you like to do
that experiment with?
'Fearne.'
It's Fearne Cotton!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
Hello.
Very fash.
I know, I'm wearing a tracksuit.
You look much younger, you don't
look like an old lady anymore.
Come forward, come forward.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
I really like it, actually.
It's great.
Look. It's got his spinning pod.
Right, then. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
In the spinning pod you will climb.
OK.
You'll be spun 360 degrees...
Will I fit in there?
..at the speed of light, then I'll
ask to you spell some words.
If you get them correct,
you'll win a point for your team.
Do you wanna climb into Doc Brown's
Spinning Pod? Not really.
It's for telly, for a bit of fun
and entertainment.
Yeah!
Thursday night. It's a bit of fun
for Thursday night.
If anyone's got a spinning pod
at home, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME!
This is ridiculous.
(SIREN)
Am I putting my...
How's this working?
I've never done it before. That's it.
Hold onto the strap. Ready?
Well, yeah.
I'll just turn it on.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Wait. We need a safe word,
so if I'm freaking out we stop.
"AH! I don't like it."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Erm...
Stop. I'll just say "stop".
That's my safe word.
Listen out for it. Don't fuck about.
I won't fuck about.
If I say "stop", will you stop?
I'll stop.
(LAUGHTER)
Lovely. Oh, shit bags.
(TURNS ON SPINNER)
Be really... Do the questions quick.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God!
Are you ready?
Just do it.
Oh, my God!
OK. Spell "clitoris".
No, that's incorrect. It's...
I said that, you wanker!
You didn't!
Spell "nostrils".
Spell "premium".
STOP!
She has done it. Stop it.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!
You're the bomb.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
Fearne Cotton, everyone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
OH!
Well done, Fearne.
Thanks...
See ya.
..very much (!)
Fearne Cotton.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
She looks sexy
when she's dishevelled.
And the scores at the end of
that round are sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
We're going to an ad break now,
see you in the future.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
Coming up after the break...
Bullshit!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm out of here!
Who won?
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
You having a good time?
ALL: Yeah! Having a good time?
Mooo! The best.
Yay.
"Moo"?
(ALL LAUGH)
That was quite confusing.
Larry, you was a bad guy
in EastEnders, Archie Mitchell.
We couldn't get an actual picture
because BBC
charges you loads for clearance,
but we've mocked one up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Would you ever go back?
Ooh, never say never.
George, what about you,
will you ever do acting?
I've tried once. I wasn't very good.
What were you in?
Er, a short film.
That no one's ever seen.
Was it a gentleman's special
interest film? Well...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I had to do a sex scene
with this girl,
and I'd never done any acting
and it was super weird.
They will always tell you, "It's not
real, don't worry about it."
What a load of bollocks.
Once you get into it,
you're into it basically.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's the reality.
The first time I played a romantic
lead was opposite Kate O'Mara
in that old series Triangle,
years ago.
I was really keen. I got this chance
to get on with this beautiful woman.
So, we're having a big kiss.
And she pulled back, she said,
"Darling, this is acting.
We don't do tongues."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Did you get a straight on?
I think I probably did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I probably did. I probably did.
Anyway, all to play for now is the
final round. It's the Buzzer round.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
If you know the answers or you don't
know the answers, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week?
MAN: 'Baaa. Fuck off!'
(ALL LAUGH)
It's a lamb with threats,
he sounds like, to me.
Fearne, what's you buzzer this week?
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously." (BAD BEAT BOXING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
OK. The first question is.
What poor life choice
has George made here?
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously."
(BEAT BOXING)
GEORGE: I know, I know.
JIMMY: Fearne's team.
Has he got a kilt on?
No.
I know.
MAN: 'Baaa-wanker. Fanny fat.
Where's the red trousers.
Let's have a look.
HOLLY: Oh, he didn't.
He did!
Look at you!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)
I enjoy that.
You know there's a website called
(BLEEP) In Red Trousers dot com.
Yeah. I made it on.
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
That's how I know about it.
What did the Rolling Stones'
Ronnie Wood recently say
he does every day.
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously." (BEAT BOXING)
Fearne's team. That's nice.
Painting? A bit of painting.
It's like painting but...
RECORDING: Baaa, fuck off!
Is it drawing?
It's like drawing but different.
Sculpting?
ALL: Sculpting. Pottery?
It's like pottery, but different.
Colouring in. No.
The answer was sex.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
He has sex every day?
Yeah.
Every day?
Good old granddad, hey?
Mmm, lovely (!)
What genuine animal noise have we
dubbed over this photo?
(SEA LION BARKING) A seal laughing.
A seal laughing.
'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.'
(BEAT BOXING)
A seal?
A very happy seal? No?
That's not what I've got
written down here.
A confused seal?
It's not a seal.
'Baaaa, piss off!'
Is it donkey? Sea lion?
It's a sea lion!
Oh, piss off!
(ALL LAUGH)
Who had sex most recently,
George or Larry?
'Baaaa, pimp!'
I reckon Larry.
(ALL LAUGH)
I hope it was me.
I think it was me.
(ALL LAUGH)
Correct, it was you!
(WHOOPING)
In his autobiography, who did
Larry say he once had sex with
who he shouldn't have had sex with?
'Baaaa, fuck off!'
Who was it?
A nun.
Was it a...
WHAT?
That's correct!
(ALL LAUGH)
A real one?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
What?
So, what happened with the nun?
A lot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(BUZZER)
That's the end of the buzzer round
and Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is...
(SHOUTS) Larry!
Do you wanna know who won?
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey?
Do you wanna know who won?
What?
The winning team was
Holly's team!
ALL: Yay.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING, LAUGHING)
Of course, I was only joking.
It were Fearne's team!
(ALL CHEER)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(ALL LAUGH)
(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
I just wanted to see what it would be
like if you did win cos I was double
bluffing, it was Holly's team.
GEORGE: Yeah!
Bullshit!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm out of here!
Who won?
See if they win the last dance.
# GIRLS ALOUD -
Sound Of The Underground
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
subtitles by Deluxe.
Check out me sweet-ass titles.
You're thinking,
"What the fuck is going on?"
But don't worry, it's just another
over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally rad this show is.
Look! There's Holly Willaboobies
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
There's Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Ah! There's Gino D'acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence.
We made it to the studio in time for
the best-selling show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3D.
I fucking wish it were, though.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Hurrah!
Hello.
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(WHISTLING)
Hurrah!
AUDIENCE: Hurrah!
(LAUGHTER)
I'm just doing online content.
You see what happened with me chair?
That was exciting, weren't it?
WELCOME TO CELEBRITY JUICE.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Let's meet our team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughby.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
I know. Yeah, it has.
Holly, who's on your team?
On my right I've got
a lamb sandwich,
it's a George and Larry Lamb
sandwich.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
And on my left,
she's just won Big Brother.
It's Sarah Harding.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
It's Fearne Cotton!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Fearne, who's on your team?
Well, on my left
it's the new Gino D'acampo.
It's Jimmy Carr!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
The new Gino?
Yeah.
That's a TERRIBLE thing to say.
I know.
It is a terrible thing to say.
And on my right, the gorgeous,
the sparkly Paloma Faith.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WOLF WHISTLING)
Paloma, you look like a cross between
Blackpool Front and Wayne's World.
(ALL LAUGH)
You look lovely.
The slogan is just for you.
The slogan is
"Pussy grabs back".
Oh-ho-ho! YES!
You like that?
Or, as Holly calls it, a vagina.
The vagina.
A bloody bush.
Paloma, what do you call yours?
The empty chasm of despair.
(ALL LAUGH)
# Baa, baa, grey sheep
Have you any wool?
♪ Yes, sir,
yes, sir George and Larry Lamb ♪
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Baa!
It's nice to have, like,
a father-and-son combo.
It's lovely.
What were you like as a nipper?
Were you a naughty boy?
No, I was quite a well-behaved boy.
Yeah.
Definitely.
Larry, did you ever catch him
playing about with his todge?
No, he didn't. I didn't.
I caught him plenty.
(ALL LAUGH)
Have you walked in to your dad
pumping fist?
I've definitely walked in to him
with various stepmums, for sure.
(ALL LAUGH)
You all right, Holly?
Oh, my God.
Tell us about your new show.
We've just been cycling
around Britain for the last month.
We went to four national parks,
and it's on Channel 5
on Friday night at eight o'clock.
So watch it. It's called
Britain By Bike
With Larry and George.
Let your dad say something.
It's not just about you.
(ALL LAUGH)
It's all right, it's much easier.
When's the bicycle one, again?
Friday, week.
No, no, this is going out
on Thursday. Right. Here we go.
(ALL LAUGH)
There's a lot of this in the show.
Hey?
That's why I don't let dad say
anything.
It's sad, isn't it, when they go?
Yeah, isn't it?
(ALL LAUGH)
It's bad when you've got to fucking
work with him as well. It's tough.
Poor Larry.
Larry.
Yes.
You were in the jungle recently.
I was in the jungle, not too
recently, almost a year ago.
You loved it?
I certainly did.
Absolutely loved it. Yeah?
Did you have to eat anything weird?
I got away with that, no.
I couldn't do it.
Chewing fish eyes,
and then spitting them into a cup,
so you've got a cup full of stewed
spit eyes.
Yeah. Is this in the jungle
or the care home that you're at?
Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
It sounds awful. George,
would you ever do the jungle?
No.
No.
No, no, I don't wanna do the jungle.
Jimmy, would you go in jungle?
100%, yeah. Would ya?
It's the biggest show on TV.
No one's bigger than that.
Go on it then, Jimmy.
I would do it. Sorry?
Why don't you go on it?
I'm busy, mate. I've got a career.
(ALL LAUGH)
Yes.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Yeah. Yeah!
She gives me a hard-on,
it's Sarah Hard-on.
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Congratulations.
Winner of Celebrity Big Brother.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
(CHEERING)
(LAUGHS)
How does it feel to be out of
the Big Brother house?
Do you go into the airing cupboard
and think it's the Diary Room?
(LAUGHS) Yeah, it feels a bit weird,
actually.
Yeah, does it?
Yeah.
How was it?
It was interesting.
I mean, I was reading online
some of the stories and stuff.
It's pretty intense.
Elaborate on the intenseness.
There was good intense,
there was bad intense,
and there was the ugly intense.
You found love in there. We have
a picture of the man you became
romantically involved with.
Mm, oh, yeah.
There he is.
Oh! (LAUGHS)
Who's that?
Paul Danan.
Paul Danan.
Are you re-enacting a scene from
There's Something About Mary?
Oh, my God!
(LAUGHTER)
Did you have a fling
with Paul Danan?
No, did I 'eck? No!
No, no, he's got the wrong one.
It were this fat bastard here.
(LAUGHTER)
JIMMY: Who's that?
HOLLY: Is that your love interest?
Maybe.
Why did you fall for him?
What's he got?
(LAUGHING)
I didn't actually go in there
looking for anything at all.
I didn't look at him like that.
He's my friend.
She fell on him and just fell on it.
It was an accident.
Who is he?
He's a handsome man.
He's from The Bachelor.
He's from The Bachelor?
That's a reality show in America...
He's not a bachelor anymore.
He's not a bachelor,
he's the winner.
Yeah.
Are you going over to America?
I am. Yes.
Will you be living there...?
No, no. I'm going next week but
I'm doing work over there as well.
What are you doing? Can you tell us?
Have we got an exclusive?
I'm going back into the studio.
To do music?
Yes. Also writing.
You think you'll do some DJing?
I'll do a little bit of DJing, yeah.
You also do a bit of acting?
A little bit, yeah. You were in
one of the fittest films ever.
St Tinian's.
Oh, yeah.
It was full of fit birds.
We've got a picture of you.
There you are.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, right.
Also, Paloma Faith was in it.
Let's have a look at Paloma.
(LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
Paloma was obviously Edward
Scissorhands' girlfriend.
(ALL LAUGH)
Oh, my God.
# Well, you've got to have
faith, faith, faith
♪ You gotta have faith, f-faith
f-faith Paloma Faith ♪
(LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(APPLAUSE)
I love it that my career
has spanned such heights
that you have to use the song of
another musical artist
to introduce me.
Don't you just love it?
I love it.
You fucking love it with a passion.
I love it.
(LAUGHTER)
You cocky Bjork bastard.
(LAUGHTER)
How's it going, Paloma?
Good.
Haven't seen you for a long time.
I was creating another human being.
A CHILD!
Congratulations!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Thank you.
(GIGGLES)
You've got a new single out.
Yeah.
Do you know it yet?
'Course I do. Can you do it?
# I wanna cry baby
Cry baby
# Cos it's...
(MUMBLES LYRICS)
(LAUGHTER)
# So I cry baby
Cry baby
♪ (MUMBLES LYRICS) ♪
(ALL LAUGH)
Just like her.
I sound like her.
That was very good.
Beautiful.
Here it is.
It's a real copy...
A physical formation.
..not just a download.
When the album comes out
on November 17,
it's called The Architect...
The Architect.
..and it will be out then
and you can buy a physical one.
And you can buy a vinyl.
Oh, really? Which I like.
Is Samuel L Jackson
working on this album?
Yeah.
Does he sing?
I'm not saying
what he's doing on it.
Is he doing rapping?
Who knows? Oh, tell us,
please tell us, please tell us.
It's a mystery.
Fair dues. Will you tell us after?
No.
I'm not fucking interested.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, everyone, he's the sexiest man
on TV right now,
it's none other than
Jimmy Ca-ha-ha-ha...
(IMITATING JIMMY'S LAUGH)
Always with the laugh.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Yeah, well...
Aah.
Nice to see you again. It's lovely
that you come on so often these days.
I've missed you so much.
I love being on this show.
What's your thought
behind what you're wearing?
I'm... He didn't want you
to see him. What's the message?
The message?
The world's in a terrible state
and I'm ready for anything.
You look it.
I'm ready.
If I have to go to North Korea
and sort things out, I'm going.
(LAUGHTER)
George and Larry, the last time you
was on here was six years ago
and we played Silence Of The Lambs.
But we're gonna play it again.
This time, Jimmy's gonna help me.
So let's play
The Silence Of The Lambs.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Here we are in
The Silence Of The Lambs The Revenge,
Baaaaack With The Revenge
With Jimmy...
I can't remember what it's called.
We're in the arena of that game
where you saw the graphic.
Erm, Jimmy's helping me. We've got to
make George and Larry laugh.
Erm, if they do indeed laugh,
Fearne's team will win a point
and you won't win a point.
It's so easy.
There's gonna be different categories
on how we make them laugh.
Paloma Faith has those categories,
so let's go over to her
for the first category.
Paloma Faith,
what's the first category?
(DRUM ROLL)
It is...Gardening.
JIMMY: Gardening.
Gardening?
Ow! You bastard.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Gardening. No laughing. No laughing.
(TURNS ON BLOWER)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Open your mouth.
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Open your mouth.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS AND APPLAUDS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Same, no laughter.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
Larry, are you still alive?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.
Paloma, what's the next category,
please?
(DRUM ROLL)
The next category is
Roast Lamb.
Roast Lamb.
Oh? Oh, fuck!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Get him!
What's she doing?
(LAUGHS)
We have to roast them?
Roast lamb.
I'm not very nasty, though.
I can...
I'm not very nasty.
I can do nasty.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You go first, you go first.
You act, you present,
do radio, theatre.
Think you'll ever find anything
you're good at?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(YAWNS)
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Hey, you guys have got no socks on.
(MOCKING LAUGH)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY,
PEOPLE LAUGHING)
Have you ever, can I ask, genuinely
have you ever double-teamed a girl?
(LAUGHTER AND GROANING)
The colour of your jacket's
a bit drab, innit?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Are you enjoying
your last TV appearance?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
There might be a BAFTA tribute,
but this is really it for you.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
George, I think you'd be
better looking if, erm,
if you had blue eyes. (LAUGHS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You've got brown eyes. Ha-ha-ha-ha.
(BUZZER, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(KEITH AND JIMMY LAUGHING)
A point for Fearne's team!
How magic.
(SIGHS)
Paloma! What's the next category?
(DRUM ROLL)
Lamby Love.
Gear up now.
(LAUGHTER)
Lamby Love. Oooh.
I'm not sure it's entirely
appropriate.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Hmm, that's nice and smart.
(ALL LAUGH)
Think I'll use this.
Hang on. Hang on.
Hold hands.
Cue the music!
# MENDELSSOHN: Wedding March
(KEITH LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
George, you may kiss the bride!
(WOLF WHISTLING)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(BUZZER)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Across the mouth, too.
That's a point for Fearne's team.
Thank you.
Paloma, what's the next category?
(DRUM ROLL)
It's Holiday Snaps.
(SARAH LAUGHS)
Ow.
(LAUGHTER)
We've got some holiday snaps here
that we've collected
for George and Larry.
We're gonna look at them
to see if we can bring
some fond memories back.
There you go, there's yours, there.
Mm-hm.
Pretty tame. Can you remember
where you are there?
What's that one from?
Ephesus, I think. Do you remember
where you were for this one?
(ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHTER, BUZZER)
Larry, look, he's laughing.
(LAUGHTER)
That's really good.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(JIMMY LAUGHING)
I think he might have had a stroke,
you know. I don't know.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS) I'm sure he did,
she's a very attractive woman.
The photo that comes after that one,
if you can see that.
You see? You see?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Is he shitting in the street there?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I've got the end of the night there.
(LAUGHTER)
A human caterpillar!
(BUZZER)
(LAUGHTER)
You can't even really tell
that's me.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You can't see my face in there.
(LAUGHTER)
Any recollection of that evening?
I love that.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Larry Lamb is the champion!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
And the scores at the end of that
round are...sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Well done.
We're going to an ad break.
I'll see you in three.
Coming up after the break...
OK, head down a bit.
In your own time.
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHTER)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
HURRAH!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Sarah, your first big hit was
Sound Of The Underground.
It was.
What I want to know is
can you make the sound of
the Underground?
(LAUGHS)
I knew this was coming.
I'll give a point for any of you who
can do...
It's sort of like that,
but if you sped it up.
Like, if they record it...
That's a point for Fearne's team.
There you go.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(LAUGHS)
Well, this next game is all about
sounds, so let's play
♪ It's the sound of the... ♪
Domestic Appliance!
(SARAH AND AUDIENCE LAUGH)
The Sound Of The Domestic Appliance.
Erm, I'm gonna give you
a domestic appliance,
you have to do the sound of
that domestic appliance.
Hopefully, your team mates will
guess what that domestic appliance is
for a point for your team.
It's so eeeasy.
First up to play is Paloma Faith!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
YAY!
Do you whisper it?
Yeah, I'll whisper it to you. OK.
(MUMBLES) ..Washer. OK.
OK.
Yeah, you ready?
For people at home,
this is what it is.
Here's the dramatic lighting change.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Oh, now make the sound of
the domestic appliance
erm, to your team mates.
You're watching ITV2. We're doing
domestic appliance noises.
Shhhhh!
Shh-sss-shh.
A tap. A shower.
Shh-sss-shh-sss-shh.
(BLOWS)
A washing machine.
Shhhhhh!
Tumble dryer?
Chshh-chshh-chshh-chshh!
A dishwasher.
Yes, she did it!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
You don't know it,
but when you're a mum,
like, those things
are really pleasing.
(ALL LAUGH)
It's my favourite place.
Next up is Sarah Harding!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
All right.
(PALOMA LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS) OK. OK.
HOLLY: He's cut to the chase.
Face your team mates.
Now make a sound of
the domestic appliance.
Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!
(ALL LAUGH)
(LAUGHS)
I'll give you a clue,
it's not a vibrator.
How do I do it? Tsh!
A toister. A toaster!
(ALL LAUGH)
Yes, it was a toister.
A toister. It's a toister.
Well done, Sarah Harding.
(PING!)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
I don't know where
"Boi-oi-oi-oi-ng!" came from.
Next up is Jimmy Carr.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
I think that's spelt wrong.
Er, no, I think
that's a different thing.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'll do the noise first.
OK.
Fearne's team. FEARNE: Yes.
(JIMMY AND KEITH SPEAK)
So...
(IMITATES SQUELCHING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(IMITATES QUEEFING)
Is that Paloma's
deep cavity of despair?
(LAUGHTER)
YES. Yes, but it's not the real one.
Right.
(IMITATES QUEEFING)
A sink plunger.
Silicone...
It's like a sink plunger
mixed with cavern of despair.
A silicone vagina.
Yeah. Yeah. A Fleshlight.
A Fleshlight.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
A Fleshlight.
You don't know what a Fleshlight is?
In its... Yeah.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Oooh!
It's like a torch, but it's got
a minge in it and you can...
What. The. Hell is going on?
But it makes the noise... (QUEEFING)
It's sort of, it sort of
queefs on you when you're...
(LAUGHTER)
..because the air...
Have you got one?
Huh? Have I got ONE?
I haven't got ONE.
(ALL LAUGH)
Jimmy Carr, everybody!
Thank you.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
I didn't know what one was.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
And the scores at the end of
that round are sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Jimmy, you've got a new series of
Your Face Or Mine out
on the 4th October at 8:00pm,
on Comedy Central.
If you've never seen Your Face Or
Mine what happens?
OK, so, you get a couple
on the show... Yes.
..and they initially have to judge
famous people, who's better looking.
Brad Pitt or George Clooney?
Whatever the current thing is.
Then, they have to judge each other.
Is it good?
It is good!
We did some genuinely
terrible things.
We got this lovely lesbian couple
who came on and their mums
happened to be there,
and they had to tell us who had
the best looking mum. (PALOMA GASPS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh! Ooh!
I know. We're the worst.
He's a horrible man.
(LAUGHTER)
Jimmy?
Erm, you know I like swimming?
You love swimming.
I love swimming.
Aah, swimming.
I was swimming, and I bumped into
your friend. Did you?
Stephen Hawking.
Right.
He said, "Wouldn't it be great if
you did the Theory Of Anything again?
That game that you did ages ago."
Remember that game...
I do. I do remember the game.
So, let's play it again!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(MAN AS STEPHEN HAWKING)
'The Theory Of Anything.'
Hi. Exciting times for me,
exciting times for you.
If you like Back To The Future,
lucky for me,
Stephen Hawking, apparently,
is friends with Stephen Spielberg,
and he was kind enough to give us
the keys to Doc Brown's science lab
from the film Back To The Future
back in 1985.
I'm just waiting for the phone...
(PHONE RINGING)
That must be Stephen Hawking now.
He's gonna tell us what experiments
we're gonna do.
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, is that Steve?
Word to your mum.
'Hello, Keith.
Hello. You all right?
'I am bloody brilliant.'
(LAUGHTER)
What's the first experiment, Stevo?
(READING)
Is it possible to catch a cocktail
sausage that's been
fired out of a snorkel?
'Yes.'
I don't know. Oh, you want us to do
that experiment.
'Holly Willoughby
and Sarah Harding.'
Of course! It's Holly and Sarah!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
It's a dream.
This is amazing. I like the lab.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
It's exciting times.
Are you living the dream right now?
I'm Michael J Fox.
I'm Marty McFly doing lots of this.
"I don't know, Doc." (WHINES)
(LAUGHTER)
What you've got to do is
wear a snorkel
and fire a cocktail sausage
from the snorkel,
and catch it.
OK.
Have you decided who's gonna wear
the snorkel?
You're snorkelling...
I've got a good set of lungs on me.
You're catching.
Oh, you ARE a singer!
Singer's lungs.
You ARE a singer.
So if you'd like to place this
on your person. Thank you very much.
(LAUGHS) Is that your sausage bag?
That is. Are they raw?
That's not a sausage.
I said a cocktail sausage.
OK, let's put it in.
Yeah, yeah, get down.
Like this? Get down on your knees.
That's it.
(ALL LAUGH)
No, no, no.
You want them loose.
Let's pop one in now.
OK.
BOTH: Right.
I'm just gonna move you.
You angle her.
Turn, turn, turn, stop.
This is for science, remember.
Ready?
Three, two, one...
(BLOWS) There's nothing in there.
Yes, there is.
There's nothing there.
Sh!
Did you suck it?
No, I didn't suck it.
Have you eaten it?
(LAUGHS)
Have you eaten it?
(LAUGHS)
It didn't...
It's gone! It's gone.
(ALL LAUGH)
Have you fucking eaten it?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
You've eaten it!
She's eaten it!
How can you not remember
that you've eaten it?
I have not eaten it!
I'll put another one in.
Don't eat it!
(LAUGHTER)
It's OK.
OK. Head down a bit. Down a bit.
In your own time.
(BLOWS)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ALL LAUGH)
Ah!
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(SIGHS)
Right.
Right, well, it's in, it's in.
OK, really... OK, ready?
Yeah.
Ready, steady...
(INHALES DEEPLY, BLOWS)
YAY!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(KEITH LAUGHS, WHISTLING)
That's two points for Holly's team.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Holly and Sarah, everyone!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(PHONE RINGING)
Oh, that's the phone.
That's the phone.
Oh, it's fucking PPI.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
No, no, no,
I've not just got a loan.
No, I don't have any insurance and
don't have a bank account. Fuck off.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS, PHONE RINGING)
Hello, is that PPI?
MAN AS HAWKING: 'No.'
I though it was this PPI thing.
Are we gonna do another experiment?
'Yes.'
(REPEATS) What is it?
'Is it possible to spell words
correctly...
(READING)
Who would you like to do
that experiment with?
'Fearne.'
It's Fearne Cotton!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
Hello.
Very fash.
I know, I'm wearing a tracksuit.
You look much younger, you don't
look like an old lady anymore.
Come forward, come forward.
We're in Doc Brown's science lab.
I really like it, actually.
It's great.
Look. It's got his spinning pod.
Right, then. Yes.
(LAUGHTER)
In the spinning pod you will climb.
OK.
You'll be spun 360 degrees...
Will I fit in there?
..at the speed of light, then I'll
ask to you spell some words.
If you get them correct,
you'll win a point for your team.
Do you wanna climb into Doc Brown's
Spinning Pod? Not really.
It's for telly, for a bit of fun
and entertainment.
Yeah!
Thursday night. It's a bit of fun
for Thursday night.
If anyone's got a spinning pod
at home, DON'T DO THIS AT HOME!
This is ridiculous.
(SIREN)
Am I putting my...
How's this working?
I've never done it before. That's it.
Hold onto the strap. Ready?
Well, yeah.
I'll just turn it on.
What? Wait, wait, wait.
What?
Wait. We need a safe word,
so if I'm freaking out we stop.
"AH! I don't like it."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Erm...
Stop. I'll just say "stop".
That's my safe word.
Listen out for it. Don't fuck about.
I won't fuck about.
If I say "stop", will you stop?
I'll stop.
(LAUGHTER)
Lovely. Oh, shit bags.
(TURNS ON SPINNER)
Be really... Do the questions quick.
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, my God!
Are you ready?
Just do it.
Oh, my God!
OK. Spell "clitoris".
No, that's incorrect. It's...
I said that, you wanker!
You didn't!
Spell "nostrils".
Spell "premium".
STOP!
She has done it. Stop it.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(LAUGHING) Oh, my God!
You're the bomb.
(APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
Fearne Cotton, everyone.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
Oh!
(LAUGHS)
OH!
Well done, Fearne.
Thanks...
See ya.
..very much (!)
Fearne Cotton.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
She looks sexy
when she's dishevelled.
And the scores at the end of
that round are sha-ting!
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
We're going to an ad break now,
see you in the future.
(CHEERING, WHISTLING)
Coming up after the break...
Bullshit!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm out of here!
Who won?
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.
Are you having a good time?
AUDIENCE: Yeah!
You having a good time?
ALL: Yeah! Having a good time?
Mooo! The best.
Yay.
"Moo"?
(ALL LAUGH)
That was quite confusing.
Larry, you was a bad guy
in EastEnders, Archie Mitchell.
We couldn't get an actual picture
because BBC
charges you loads for clearance,
but we've mocked one up.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Would you ever go back?
Ooh, never say never.
George, what about you,
will you ever do acting?
I've tried once. I wasn't very good.
What were you in?
Er, a short film.
That no one's ever seen.
Was it a gentleman's special
interest film? Well...
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I had to do a sex scene
with this girl,
and I'd never done any acting
and it was super weird.
They will always tell you, "It's not
real, don't worry about it."
What a load of bollocks.
Once you get into it,
you're into it basically.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
That's the reality.
The first time I played a romantic
lead was opposite Kate O'Mara
in that old series Triangle,
years ago.
I was really keen. I got this chance
to get on with this beautiful woman.
So, we're having a big kiss.
And she pulled back, she said,
"Darling, this is acting.
We don't do tongues."
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
Did you get a straight on?
I think I probably did.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I probably did. I probably did.
Anyway, all to play for now is the
final round. It's the Buzzer round.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING)
If you know the answers or you don't
know the answers, be a chancer.
Holly, what's your buzzer this week?
MAN: 'Baaa. Fuck off!'
(ALL LAUGH)
It's a lamb with threats,
he sounds like, to me.
Fearne, what's you buzzer this week?
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously." (BAD BEAT BOXING)
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(LAUGHS)
OK. The first question is.
What poor life choice
has George made here?
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously."
(BEAT BOXING)
GEORGE: I know, I know.
JIMMY: Fearne's team.
Has he got a kilt on?
No.
I know.
MAN: 'Baaa-wanker. Fanny fat.
Where's the red trousers.
Let's have a look.
HOLLY: Oh, he didn't.
He did!
Look at you!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(ALL SPEAK AT ONCE)
I enjoy that.
You know there's a website called
(BLEEP) In Red Trousers dot com.
Yeah. I made it on.
(JIMMY LAUGHS)
That's how I know about it.
What did the Rolling Stones'
Ronnie Wood recently say
he does every day.
MAN: 'Jimmy's Fleshlight,
obviously." (BEAT BOXING)
Fearne's team. That's nice.
Painting? A bit of painting.
It's like painting but...
RECORDING: Baaa, fuck off!
Is it drawing?
It's like drawing but different.
Sculpting?
ALL: Sculpting. Pottery?
It's like pottery, but different.
Colouring in. No.
The answer was sex.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
He has sex every day?
Yeah.
Every day?
Good old granddad, hey?
Mmm, lovely (!)
What genuine animal noise have we
dubbed over this photo?
(SEA LION BARKING) A seal laughing.
A seal laughing.
'Jimmy's Fleshlight, obviously.'
(BEAT BOXING)
A seal?
A very happy seal? No?
That's not what I've got
written down here.
A confused seal?
It's not a seal.
'Baaaa, piss off!'
Is it donkey? Sea lion?
It's a sea lion!
Oh, piss off!
(ALL LAUGH)
Who had sex most recently,
George or Larry?
'Baaaa, pimp!'
I reckon Larry.
(ALL LAUGH)
I hope it was me.
I think it was me.
(ALL LAUGH)
Correct, it was you!
(WHOOPING)
In his autobiography, who did
Larry say he once had sex with
who he shouldn't have had sex with?
'Baaaa, fuck off!'
Who was it?
A nun.
Was it a...
WHAT?
That's correct!
(ALL LAUGH)
A real one?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
What?
So, what happened with the nun?
A lot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
(BUZZER)
That's the end of the buzzer round
and Celebrity Juice.
The winning team is...
(SHOUTS) Larry!
Do you wanna know who won?
(ALL LAUGH)
Hey?
Do you wanna know who won?
What?
The winning team was
Holly's team!
ALL: Yay.
(AUDIENCE CHEERS)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(WHISTLING, LAUGHING)
Of course, I was only joking.
It were Fearne's team!
(ALL CHEER)
(AUDIENCE CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)
(ALL LAUGH)
(CHEERING DROWNS OUT SPEECH)
I just wanted to see what it would be
like if you did win cos I was double
bluffing, it was Holly's team.
GEORGE: Yeah!
Bullshit!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
I'm out of here!
Who won?
See if they win the last dance.
# GIRLS ALOUD -
Sound Of The Underground
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
subtitles by Deluxe.