Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 17, Episode 6 - Couples Special - full transcript

I'm Keith Lemon. Check out
my new sweet-ass titles.

You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck is going on?"

Don't worry, it is just another
overelaborate metaphor

for how totally rad the show is.

There is Holly Willoughboobs firing
space lasers from her massive tits!

And there is Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.

There's Gino d'Acampo
firing dough balls!

Here we are taking a selfie.

We got to the studio just in time
for the best telly show on telly.

What is that telly show on telly?
Its Celebrity Juice on't telly.

Not in 3-D. I fucking
wish it was though!



Oh, yes.

Hello, you sexy bastards!

Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
Celebrity Juice special.

A couples special tonight.

More specifically it is
my birthday special!

OK, let's meet our teams.

First up, from dreams
it's become a reality,

Holly and Fearne together.

I think the selling point of the
show when we started 16 series ago,

was the rivalry between you
two going against each other.

But tonight you are together.
United.

Will you be feeding each other's
horses and cleaning the windows?

It doesn't have to be like that.
This is the dream team.

OK, let's meet our other
team couple tonight.



None other than telly
therapists the Speakmans!

Joining the Speakmans tonight
is the horniest couple on TV.

It is Ruth and Eamonn!

And finally, it is none other
than Gino d'Acampo and...

Aw!

My guest, she is slightly late.

But I booked it and everything
is fine, all under control.

Have you really booked someone?

Is this just so you can
be "Kapitan" again!

You think I'm going
to do this by myself?

On the desk there you have a C and G.
What is the C for?

Carbonara? No?

Ciabatta? No. I can't tell you.

Is it?

Ruth, they love it,
the dirty bastards!

She will be here soon,
just be patient.

Don't put the pressure on me. I
won't give you any pressure.

Holly, really good
to have you back.

How was rehab? It was fine.

I feel much better
now, thank you.

You escaped, to be fair, didn't you?
Apparently so.

We've got proof of the rehab. There
you were, running out of rehab.

Having a little sip. Is
that what I was up to?

That is not all you were up to, no.
There you are. The yard of ale.

Oh, my God.

You are so cock hungry!

I was thinking, why am I wearing a cap?
That is not me, is it

I see what is happening there.

Let us introduce our
next TV couple.

They are telly therapists,
the Speakmans!

It says here you are
psychotherapists.

Correct. What is the
Goddamn message?

Well... What is the message?

What are the peripherals of
being a psychotherapist?

We help people. Yes.

We help people get
over anxiety disorders

and feel better
about themselves.

Is that a professional
term rather than saying

we help people who are
shit scared of things?

What is the process, how
do you do such a thing?

We tell them not to be.

What is the weirdest thing
someone has been scared of?

Gravity.

Gravity? Gravity.

We have had someone
scared of gravity.

Someone scared of pubic hair.
Pubic hair?

Some of it can be
scary, can't it, Holly?

What about Gino? He's scared of Brexit.
Can you help him?

What scares you, then? Frogs.

I'm scared of frogs.
Are you really?

But I don't want to
overcome fear of the frog.

I don't really hang
out with them.

In my line of work I don't
see them that much.

I don't like snakes. I don't
like anything without fur.

What about a dolphin, they are nice?
They haven't got any fur?

Don't even say 'dolphins'!

What? I HATE dolphins.

They're lovely! They're friendly.
They are not friendly!

They are not! They
are so friendly.

I don't like using
the R word on telly.

Do you know what they
do to each other?

What? Unconsensual
sex with each other!

They do! No!

Roll them down to
the bottom and...

- And then they go...
- Ni-ni-ni-ni-ni!

Ki-ki-ki-ki-ki-ki!

They do.

What has a frog ever done to you?
When I was a kid playing with cars..

Before you start, on
a scale of 0 to 10?

If there was a frog, how
scared would I be? Yes.

Probably about two.

When I was a kid I was
playing with my cars

and do you use the term
'grates' in London?

The grid? In the street?
A drain?

I opened it up and a frog
looked at me, it was in there

- and it went...
- ..on my skin!

I screamed and my mum
thought I'd been run over.

Shit, I nearly fainted then.

I can see stars. Shit!

We got some letters, we did Twitter
and said you were coming on.

We've gone old school with letters.
I will read them to you.

"Dear Nick and Eva, I
desperately need your help.

I get on really well with these
two fit blonde girls at work,

I would like to take
things to the next level.

They both seem to have a
phobia of threesomes!

Is there anything you can do to
cure them of being so boring?

Thanks a lot and keep up the good work.
Kieron, in London."

Maybe those two girls had
a deep fear of twats?

What advice would
you give Kieron?

For the girls, just enjoy
themselves cos one day you'll die,

so it's good to try
things, innit?

I can see my guest is here.
Who is it?

A round of applause for
Catherine Tittersley.

Ciao, bella. Mwah.

For you guys at home, if you
couldn't hear Gino's intro.

Who is on? Tyldesley, babe.

No, it is many more letters.
The D is silent.

What the fuck are
you put in there?

If it is silent, take it out.

Catherine Tylsley!

I've got the questions.
Oh, you've got questions?

I don't understand.
You've got questions?

You usually ask questions.

You've written some questions?
Yes.

I told you he wants
to take over!

These are Gino's
questions for you.

"Hello, Catherine, the fittest of
all the girls from Coronation Road.

Can I please say you look
fantastico this evening?"

Thanks, babe.

Since you was last
on Celebrity Juice

you have got married and had
a baby, congratulations.

Thank you.

I thought they would
be rude questions.

Here is a picture of you and your
husband on your wedding day.

That is not her husband, Gino.

That is my fake fella.

That is Shayne Ward. Husband.

I prefer Shayne,
he's better looking.

What the fuck were that?

What were that?!

Just laughing.

Keep laughing. Don't,

because last time I was
on you made me wee.

Anyway, Catherine, you recently
had a boob job that went wrong.

We have a picture here.

You have one big one?

I was with child. My
son was there, Alfie.

Oh, that is not your tit? No.

You recently accidentally
uploaded a video of Shayne Ward

fingering you, didn't you?
It says here.

I so know what is coming.

We have the aforementioned video here.
Oh, shit!

Had a good time, didn't he?

No, let me explain.

We were doing Ghost.
The pottery scene.

We thought it was funny that we were
in Underworld on the sewing machine.

We were probably the only
people laughing, to be fair.

It is Ruth and Eamonn!

Ruth and Eamonn, I would
say you are my favourite

TV married couple on television.

Thank you.

What do you think the
secret is to your success?

In our marriage?

Being a married couple on
telly as well, I guess.

What is it like
working together?

Marvellous, we love every
second don't we, darling?

A unique experience. Isn't it?

I can highly recommend it.

A lot of people say don't work
with your partner, don't they?

I wish I had listened, but no.
People see us have the odd...

I don't think we argue. We do.

We have differences of opinion. I
hate to argue with you, but we do.

Not a full-blown row. We just have
differences of opinion, don't we?

You huff and disagree on everything.
I just don't always agree.

You think Holly sits with
Phillip in the morning going,

"I'm not doing that," and
kicks him on the shin?

They are not married,
they're just fuck buddies.

We should have stuck to that.

That's where it all went wrong.

Ruth, it is true that you described
him as a steam train in the bedroom?

Not entirely true.

It was fake news, that's fake news.
Fake news.

We were talking about dancing
and Jane Moore said,

"You know that you can tell a lot
by a man how he will be in bed

by the way he dances."

I said that was interesting because
my husband is a steam train.

I meant dancing.

He does that.

So he's rubbish in bed? I
have no complaints, Keith.

Yeah!

Hey, you know what,
it is my birthday

so tonight we will play
the games I want to play.

A Juice favourite.

What is my favourite
game on Juice?

Don't Show Keith Your Teeth!

It is a word association game

and you must not stutter or hesitate.
You must not repeat.

But more specifically, you
must not show your teeth.

I will give you a subject
and we will begin.

That is hard because
Ruth has very big teeth.

Horse teeth.

Shut your ears.

Eamonn, does she
sometimes scrape?

You cannot ask.

That is disgusting, I
can tell by Eva's face!

Do you like ice cream?

The subject is things you
do on your birthday.

Fearne. Have a party.

Let off... party poppers.

Let off... Let off
party poppers!

You look like your dad! Aw!

I saw your teeth.

I wasn't playing. I saw your teeth.
I wasn't playing!

Peppa Pig.

I would say, have
breakfast in bed.

It's my birthday!

Musical chairs.

Musical chairs.

Spinning the bottle.

Karaoke.

Karaoke.

Karaoke.

Cop off!

Cop off! Are you saying cop off?

Oh!

Eat an ice cream. Have
jelly and ice cream.

The winning team is
Holly and Fearne!

The scores at the end of this round.
Schating!

I think we are going
to an advert break.

We are.

Coming up after the break.

If you wanted to put your dick in a
pie, how would you know what flavour

Hello! Welcome back to the show!

Holly, have you ever been
shopping and tried to carry

all the produce you've bought at the
shop into the house in carrier bags

and it really hurts your fingers?
Yes.

It really hurt your fingers.

So then you try and get the
clingfilm out of the bag

and you wrap all the
produce around your body.

Have you ever tried to do that?
No, never.

Well, let's try and do
it now, as we play...

Ee, My Head's Been
Laden With Stuff!

Where's Your Head At

Hi. Welcome to Ee, My Head's
Been Laden With Stuff.

For this, the rules are simple.

All you've got to do is put as many
household items around your head

using clingfilm.

The person with most items
around their head at the end

wins a point for their team. You've
got an allotted time. It's simple.

Is this health and safety OK?

Health and safety OK, it is not.

Do not put it around the
mouth because you will die.

Anybody at home playing this, don't
play this at home. You will die.

OK, you will go on the klaxon.

Klaxon!

It's not on straight.

Ruth has gone with the
flip-flop and the lady towels.

That's it.

Cath has gone for a big object.
A watering can and a flip-flop.

Keep going. I can
cope with that.

Fearne looks like she's
in the rain in the '50s.

Put it back in.

That is the best haircut
Nik's ever had.

I might stick with this.

You're not scared of
clingfilm, are you? No.

Not across the mouth,
not across the mouth!

Eamonn's living the dream.
He knows how to do this.

I'm going to help you out, I am.
That's the situation.

You look pretty wrapped, Eamonn.
You look good.

There's the klaxon.

Ruth, don't kill him! We need him!
We need him.

I'll count the products.

It's quite the fashion.
I don't mind it.

You look quite high-end.
I'm kind of into it.

I can't not get this, can I?

Lady Gaga. Love.

And Lady Gaga's brother.

And the mad uncle.

And the next-door neighbour
that's really naughty.

OK, I can reveal that
the winning couple...

..isn't...

- Gino and Catherine.
- Awww!

It isn't... Oh, this is intense.

..Ruth and Eamonn.

The Speakmans have
clingfilmed ten items.

Holly and Fearne
have clingfilmed...

11 items!

♪ Simply the best

♪ Better than all the rest ♪

And the scores at the end
of that round are...

sha-ting!

Ee, my head's been
laden with stuff!

Where's Your Head At

Eamonn and Ruth, remind me, how
long have you two been together?

21 years together,
seven years married.

How romantic.

You know each other inside
out, you would say?

Intimately. Pretty much, yes.

OK, well, let's put that
to the test, as we play...

Master & Miss.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Hello and welcome
to Master & Miss,

which is a totally
100% original idea.

There's no shows like
this on television.

The reason is because on this
show there is two presenters.

Let me introduce my fellow
presenter, Gino D'Acampo.

Gino! Gino! Gino!

Hello. My name is Gino D'Acampo.
Welcome to Mr & Mrs.

First, it's called
"Master & Miss".

And you're not the presenter,
you're the co-presenter.

So I'll do this business, yeah?

This game is simple. Basically, it's
how much you know about each other.

I will ask you a question, then
Gino will ask you a question.

You have to write down
on your boards here.

If the answers tally up, you
win a point for your team.

Do you understand? Of course!
I'm not stupid.

OK, here's the first question.

On average, how many
minutes does Ruth take

to make her look beautiful on a morning?
Minutes or hours?

On average, how many
MINUTES does Ruth take

to make herself look
beautiful on a morning?

Ready?

Ruth, what have you got? Reveal.

80 minutes. That's a lot.

120. Ooh...

That's two hours!

It depends if you've been
out the night before.

Gino, you have the next question.
OK, the next question is,

On average, how many minutes
does it take for Eamonn

to reach "cleemax"?

What is that? A what?

Cleemax. What's one of them?

You know... Pleurgh!

I'm not answering that.

You can't ask TV royalty that.
I won't allow it.

Not Eamonn and Ruth!

It's like asking your mum and dad.
It's against the law.

Which Loose Women would Eamonn
most like to join you two

in a threesome?

Janet Street-Porter, Gloria
Hunniford, Coleen Nolan?

OK, have we to choose
one or more than one?

Oh!

And you said I'm
a dirty bastard!

The answer's obvious.
Two of them have...

Two? So which ones?

Two. The clue is "threesome".
And I make three.

I'm not there, then?

There are two of these women who
are crazy about me. Ruth knows it.

Day in, day out, you
are plagued by it.

They want you to die, basically.

They want my body. And
there's two of them.

And these are the names.
Whoa! Whoa!

You've got a point. Thank you.
It's true.

Well done, Eamonn and Ruth.

Next up it's the Speakmans.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Here I am with the Speakmans.
Here's the first question.

On average, how many
minutes does it take

for Nik to do his
hair on a morning?

I'm done. I don't muck about.

Do you know you? She's
written it down.

I'm deliberating. OK.

Mrs Speakman?

Five minutes. Five minutes!
Well done.

Gino's question.

What flavour pie would Nik
most like to put his dick in?

Gino, you've got to stop
your perverted mind

infiltrating your TV career.

Just stick to dough balls, mate.
This is not working out for you.

Your questions are boring! People
don't care about his hair!

No, but she is right, you
know, because... Yeah.

I tell you what, Fearne. It's my
birthday, so I decide what I want.

Next week, how about you present
the whole show with me?

I would love to do that.

Why the whole show? I've
never done a whole show.

Yeah, but the bits you
have done have been shit.

Who'd like to see Fearne
do the whole show with me?

Yeah, I'm up for that.
Rein it in, Gino.

What I want to know - if you
wanted to put your dick in a pie,

how would you know
what flavour it was?

Is there something
special about your dick?

You would choose the pie according
to the taste of your partner.

If you were a romantic guy...

If you were a romantic guy
and your missus says,

"How about you sticking your
knob in a pie for me tonight?"

Is this experience or fantasy?
No, no...

He's not scared of pies! Stop trying
to help him. He's not scared.

From 1-10, how much do you like
putting your knob in a pie?

Write down. Write your answer.

None. None.

I don't like pastry.

Ladies and gentlemen, say
thank you to the Speakmans.

Next up it's Holly and Fearne.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

OK, you two are obviously not a
master and miss. You're two friends.

We want to know how well
you know each other.

OK, the first question is...

What's the most annoying thing
Holly does when she's drunk?

Apart from pissing on foxes.
Yeah, that's one.

I'm not an annoying drunk.
You're a fun drunk.

What's the funniest thing
she's done when drunk?

There's tons. I
think I've got one.

Holly's got one. This won't
be funny to anyone else

but it was comical at the time.
We'll cut it out, then.

Fucking hell, just
write it down.

OK, reveal.

Failed to screw a
dartboard to a wall.

You know what Holly
does when she's drunk?

She always fails to
nail dartboards...

OK, my one I'm revealing was with
Fearne in LA and I was very drunk -

Oh, you're going to do THAT one!

I got in the lift and the man in the
lift thought I was a prostitute.

And then he got in and sort of
propositioned Holly, and she -

this is what Holly does
when she's drunk -

she went, "FUCK YOU!" and
pushed him out the lift.

I was very drunk.

You said she was a happy drunk.

Gino, your question. OK.

If you two would lezz off...

..who would wear the strap-on?

Everybody's wondering
the same thing.

I'm going to put what
the masses want.

Have you got sex toys? I didn't know.
Oh, I've got a...

I've got a vibrating vulva.

It's a new one. 2014 model.

It goes...

What do you do? Can it go in?
Yeah.

We're still on the telly.
They gonna to cut this off.

No.

You need to cut it off.
I've gone for the obvious.

I've already got a cock. Me,
cos Fearne doesn't need one.

There you go.

Ladies and gentlemen,
Holly and Fearne!

Gino.

And the scores at the
end of the round are...

sha-ting!

Gino, Gino, Gino. Quick.

You know you've always wanted
to link to a break, don't you?

Do like a little rhyme or summat.
"I'm off for a poo, see you in two."

Yeah. Link to t'break.
Make your own up.

Uh...

Just like that? Do
a little rhyme.

You should have told me. I
would have prepared a rhyme.

I don't prepare anything.
Yes, you do.

Five seconds. Five seconds. OK.

We're going to go for a break...

I'm going to have some cake!

Coming up after t'break...

My wife has a very
sensitive gag reflex.

If I get nervous, can
I touch her cushions?

Welcome back to Celebrity Juice.

It is a proper special,
a birthday special.

It is an hour long,
it is not special,

because we are an hour long
for the rest of the series.

I have some important
news so I will read it.

We have managed to acquire the rights
to South Korea's biggest gameshow.

That is exciting. Look
at your excitement.

I think it will
be a massive hit.

They sent me the kit we
need to play this game.

"Hey, Keith, what is a game?"

Let us play...

Welcome to the UK premiere
of Wan Jam Bananas.

The rules for Totally
Bananas are simple.

You have to go
through the course.

Over the ramp and over the crevice and
through the hoop and the chicane.

Through the poles and under the hurdle.
Over the hurdle.

Under the hurdle
and down the ramp.

Round the narrow passage to
the end, the finish line.

It sounds easy and
simple but it is not.

Our teams will be connected
via a banana in the mouth.

Not only will they win a point for
their team if they are the quickest,

they will get the Wan
Jam Banana trophy.

First up is Holly and Fearne!

Pick a banana. Not like that.
Flat.

What do you mean?
Flat, like that.

If you are 16 and at home right
now and your parents aren't there

get a box of tissues,
you'll enjoy this.

If you feel nervous and
want to comfort each other

the most comforting part
of the body is the breast.

Living on the edge,
move down the ramp.

Through the hoop.

Come on, everyone,
encourage them.

Chicane around the poles.

Chicane around them.
Around the poles.

Underneath.

Over the hurdle. Underneath.

Down the ramp. That is special.

With the speed.

Hurry towards the
narrow passage.

This is very good.

Remember it is a narrow passage!

I can tell you Holly and
Fearne did it in 44 seconds!

What will happen
with the Speakmans?

There you go.

Thank you. Yes.

And enjoy it, yeah? Yeah.

I'm gonna have a great time...
A great time!

Ready?

Some encouragement
from the audience.

Steady as you go.

Over the crevice.

Through the hoop.

There you go. Connected
by that banana.

Chicane through the poles.

That's it.

The banana is not broken,
still connected.

There might be some
penalty points there.

Now we are picking up the pace.

Under the hurdle.

Over the hurdle.
Under the hurdle.

Down the ramp. That is it.

Through the narrow passage.

Through the narrow passage.

The Speakmans!

I can tell you your time was...

It went down my throat!

Holly and Fearne 44.
The Speakmans...

..46!

Next up is Ruth and Eamonn.

My prosthetics won't
allow me to do that.

Are you pulling out?
I'm pulling out.

I will play for him.
Ruth and me.

My wife has a very
sensitive gag reflex.

I am just pointing that out.

If I get nervous can I
touch her cushions?

Which way around?

Where's my microphone?

Which way round do you want?
Flat.

Are you ready?

Next is Keith and Ruth as Keith
is taking the place of Eamonn.

Steady as you go.

They are going through the hoop.

Be careful.

Round the chicane
and in and out.

They are doing very well.

This is fast at the moment. Under.
Do not break the banana.

Over. Under. Down the ramp.

Very quick.

Round they go into the tunnel of
terror or whatever it is called.

Careful, Ruth.

Testing out the
sensitive gag reflex.

That was quick. Come over
here and we will find out.

I don't even like bananas.

Results are in.

Myself and Fearne 44 seconds.

Have Ruth and Keith beaten us?

They did the course

in 46 seconds!

Which means Holly and
Fearne are the winners.

You know it's my birthday?
They are lying to you.

Me and Ruth did
it in 38 seconds.

Which means Eamonn and
Ruth win that round.

So nice on our sideboard.

Tweet a picture of it
on the mantelpiece.

Ruth, do not sit
on it by accident.

The scores at the end of that round...
sha-ting!

We are going to an advert break.

I'm off for a piss,
see you in a hiss!

Coming up after t'break...

She used violence!

Hello, welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!

Mr Speakman... Yes?

..can we talk about
some of your haircuts?

They are quite magical, aren't they?
I believe they have been, yeah.

Let's look at some of the
sectors that we've...

That is an interesting one. That
looks like a drunken Fearne Cotton.

Let's have a look
at another one.

We've had Fearne Cotton, now
we've got Davina McCall.

Let's have a look at
the Bradley Walsh.

That is the Bradley
Walsh look there.

Eamonn, are you awake?
Yes, I'm still with you.

He's forever falling
asleep, isn't he? Yeah.

It is concentration.
He is listening.

With you on This Morning, we
have got a picture, have a look.

That is me looking down.

Looking down.

I'm looking down. Didn't
he fall asleep on Juice?

I'm about to fucking
fall asleep.

Time for the final
round, the Buzzer Round.

Buzz in if you know the answer. If
not, be a chancer and buzz in anyway.

Holly and Fearne, what's
your buzzer this week?

L-l-l-lesbians! Perfect.

The Speakmans, what
is your buzzer?

E-e-e-eye candy!

Ruth and Eamonn,
what is your buzzer?

So it is.

So it is, so it is.

Gino and Kath, what
is your buzzer?

It's a Yorkshire pudding

like my mum used to
make in Sheffield.

You like Yorkshire puddings,
don't you, Katherine? Yeah.

I've got a picture of you
enjoying Yorkshire puddings.

There you go, there you go.

Love Yorkshire puddings.

Gino is tit-notised.

That was for charity, I'd point out.
Yes, very nice, very nice.

OK. The first question is...

What did EastEnders star Adam
Woodyatt, aka Ian Beale,

stop for during the
London Marathon?

Ruth and Eamonn? Directions.

No, that's incorrect.

That's the Speakmans. A wee.

No, that's incorrect.

Holly and Fearne. A poo. A poo.

No, that's incorrect.

Gino and Katherine. Food.

Ooh, I'll give you that.
It was ice cream.

Yeah, that's correct.

What is Rick Speakman
up to in this photo?

Gino and Katherine.

Did he experience the first time
he put his willy into a pie?

That is incorrect. Let's reveal.

He is pumping some iron.

All right.

Pass it on, pass it on, pass it on.
Pass it to me.

Point to the team who
bring me that pizza back.

Point to your team if you
bring me the pizza back.

Holly, Holly, Holly.

She used violence!

A point for the Speakmans.

Why is it taking Tom Harrison

so long to complete this
year's London Marathon?

Holly and Fearne. Because he
was dressed as a gorilla.

That is correct.

There he is.

Go on, you can do it.

Go on. There he is.

Raising money for gorillas

cos they spend their money
on leather jackets and guns

just like in Planet of the Apes.

What is Eamonn looking up at?

Forgotten his key yet again
and I locked the door

and he's calling up at the bedroom
window for me to let him in.

I don't know!

You had the tallest man on This Morning?
Let's have a look.