Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 17, Episode 5 - Episode #17.5 - full transcript

So Holly's not here this week,

so Fearne and I have agreed that
you can be team captain this week.

But no funny stuff.

No finger-in-the-bum
stuff, like last week.

Yeah, no shouting
or getting aggy.

I don't even know
what "aggy" means.

"Oh, I don't want to play it!

What's wrong with you?"

OK, look. I will be nice.
What have we got on the show?

This is what we've got on the show.
This is good.

We've got Bobby Norris. Oh, I like him!
I like him.



And we've got lovely Patsy Palmer.
Oh, ginger beauty. A ginger beauty.

And on your team, you've
got Andrea McLean.

Andrea McLean. You
know what I mean?

And of course you've
got Fred Sirieix.

Why do I need to have
the French c...?

Hi, I'm Keith Lemon. Check out
my new, sweet-arse titles.

You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck is goin' on?!"

But don't worry, it's just
another over-elaborate metaphor

for how totally
rad this show is.

Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy

firing space lasers
from her massive tits.

And there's Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.

Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo
firing dough balls.

Here we are taking a selfie.
Online presence. Phew!



We made it to the studio just in time
for the best telly show on telly.

What's that telly show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.

Not in 3-D, I fuckin'
wish it was, though.

Yeah!

Rawr!

Hello and welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon.

Let's meet our team captains.

First up, it's Fearne Cotton!

Fearne, look at you winking
with your lazy eye!

It's like a little
penis on your eyelid!

I've got an eye infection, so it
looks like I'm winking at everyone.

Were you sucking your
husband's penis...? No.

Who's on your team?

On my left, it does not get
any more Essex than this,

it's Bobby Norris!

And on my right, soap royalty.
It's Patsy Palmer!

OK. Filling in for
Holly this week,

it's none other than
Gino "Chefo" D'Acampo!

Gino! Gino! Gino!

Thank you. Loving it.

Gino, who is on your team?

Which one? That's my camera. Which
one are we going to do first?

Left or right?

Gino, you're shite, man!

Who's on your team, Gino?

On my left, I have the beautiful
first-timer on Celebrity Juice,

Andrea McDirty!

Darling, there is nothing
clean about you.

You'd be the one I
would do, by the way.

If I wasn't married, you are
the one I would give one.

Gino, who else is on your team?!

And on my right, there
is a Frenchman,

so there is no need to be...
derogatory about it.

And Fred Sirieix.

Now, before we go any further,

I have got to give you the
reason why Gino is filling in

for the cap-i-tain this week.

Holly is still in rehab, and that is
because she failed her urine test.

Oh, again?! Yeah. Big shame.

Our thoughts are with her

and she has sent us a letter,
which is very nice of her.

I'll read it for you.

"Dear Keith, Fearne and Gino..."

"P.S. Here's a photo of me
and some of my new friends."

There you go.

There she is with her friends.

Send Holly our love.
We love you, Holly!

Get well!

Erm... Patsy...

Biccie!

Do you want a lolly?

Licky!

What's this down here?

- Hey, fancy a...
- ..quickie?!

R-R-R-R-R-Rickayyyyy!

It's Patsy Palmer!

How long were you on EastEnders?

On and off, for 20 years.

20 years!

Whoo!

We got a picture of you
here back in the day.

Look at that.

Look at those freckles.

I've got freckly tits. Have you?

Nice though, innit?
It's more interesting.

I think the whole colouring,
all over, is much better.

We've got a connection, haven't we?
We do.

As two gingers, we could probably
just be quiet and talk via our minds.

We can.

I don't know you well
enough for that business.

Surely you would have been the
envy of many a teenage girl,

snogging Sid Owen back in the day
when he didn't look so tired?

We've actually got a message
from Sid to you. Here it is.

Hello, Patsy. I hope
you're well, darling.

Long time, no see.

Hopefully we'll catch up soon.

Listen, enjoy the show.

Hello, Keith.

You!

Enjoy Celebrity Juice.

Cheers, Sid!

♪ I wanna flick her bean

♪ If you know what I mean

♪ It's Andrea McLean ♪

Andrea, you always
look innocent, lovely,

like a little Snow White.

In fact, on Loose Women, don't
they call you the Snow White?

They did when I first
started, yeah.

But now they know you, they know
that you are not Snow White?

All the quiet ones are a
bit naughty, aren't they?

Do you do anal sex?

Gino! Gino! Gino!

Reign it the fuck in.

Whoo!

When you are on Loose Women,
she'll fucking eat you alive!

Can't wait.

Andrea. Yes.

You've been on Loose
Women for 10 years. Yes.

10 years!

Bobby, she's fit, isn't she?

I would. You would,
wouldn't you?

Thank you very much.

I'd jump bus for the night.

Gino, ask him the same
question you asked Andrea.

You might get the answer
you want this time.

Bobby, do you take
it up the arse?

I like to mix it up a bit.

Can I ask a question? Yes. As
long as it's not an anal one.

Because I am always
interested, for presenters,

what was your first job?

Because you did the weather.

My first job on the telly
was being a weathergirl.

And are you single?

What a segue!

From "what do you do?"
to "are you single?"

Why do you always
have to do that?

This is so back to front. This
is your line of questioning.

"Do you do anal?"

"How did you get your
job?" "Are you single?"

You might want to mix
things up a bit.

Maybe, "How did you get your
job?" "Are you single?"

then the last question.

Oh, all right.

You're actually kidding,
it's Bobby Norris!

Bobby Norris sounds a bit
like a stand-up comedian

on Blackpool front in the '70s.

It's Bobby Norris!

"Take my wife, I
wish someone would!"

You are the longest-running male
character on TOWIE, aren't you?

I am. Yes!

Not only are you one of the most
popular characters in TOWIE,

you have a successful line
in beachwear, don't you?

Well...

Let's have a look.

What's that one called?

That was the schlong thong.

The schlong thong?

How do you hold it up?
Is it just with wishes?

I was absolutely
shitting bricks there.

But there's a tonne of
tit tape down there.

So it's not a butt plug
shoved up your...?

Did it hurt when
they peeled it off?

Well, I'm quite well-groomed.

We can see how well-groomed
you are in this next photo.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I don't know what to say.
The wings, though.

The wings are
brilliant with that.

Zoom in so we can see the
mechanics of how it works.

Even your penis looks
upset about wearing it.

You have moved it
on a little bit.

You're all space age with
it now, haven't you?

Well, I try to evolve.

Oh, my...! Wow!

It looks like a baked potato!

Don't pretend you don't know
what this is all about.

Oh, yeah. I've seen you
wearing one of these!

Yeah! All over it

I love it.

Bobby, has anyone ever told you
that you look like Gok Wan?

Yeah, a couple of people. Let's
see how similar you look.

Here's a picture.

Imagine if someone gave you a chance
to win some points for your team

by putting pictures of you
amongst pictures of Gok Wan.

Could you tell the difference between
you and Gok Wan? Absolutely yes.

Oh, yes. I'm going to show
you a clip, a little VT,

which stands for videotape.

I want you to count how
many there is of you.

Get it right, you
win a point, yeah?

Get it wrong, Gino's
team will get the point.

Run VT.

Sweet Gok and Bobby.

How many times did you see yourself?
I thought it was 14.

If you get it within three,
we'll give you the point.

Count the Bobbys. 32.

32.

There were 35. It's a
point for your team!

What? What's going on? They've
got some footage of Holly.

Oh, no. So we're going
to the rehab centre.

It doesn't sound like good news.
Let's go live now.

What's she doing? Escaping?
Oh, no, Holly!

Do the right thing,
what are you doing?

Oh, she's drinking again.
What's she doing?

She's pissed as a...

Hopefully, she'll just go
back and be all right.

Sort herself out.

I tell you what, tournez a
gauche, tournez a droite,

et quel age as-tu? Baguette,
baguette, frog's legs,

it's Fred Silly-sex!

Fred, welcome back
to Celebrity Juice.

Thank you very much. Are you well?
Yes, very good.

I tell you what, before we...

Let's get all the French
talk out of the way.

I've always wondered what does
'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh' mean?

That's it. What?

Oh-mm.

What is it, when you get
caught wanking by your mum?

She walks in, you go,
'hoh-hee-hoh-hee-hoh'.

It says here you do 300
sit-ups a day. Yeah.

You like to keep fit? Yeah.

We've got a picture of
your six pack here.

Gino, have you got a six-pack?

No, I've got one pack and
it works really well.

Gino, Gino, Gino!

Well, now it's time to play one of my
favourite games on Celebrity Juice.

So let's play:

Hello, welcome to 5 Second Fool.

It's one question, three
answers, five seconds.

They will be doing it in the
wobbly chair, of course,

cos it's 5 Second Fool extreme.

First up to play
is Bobby Norris.

Right, I'm going
to switch it on.

Ready? Oh, I like it. Ooh.

Do I hold on? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are you ready?

Bobby, three things
you can wipe.

Arse, nose, mouth. Correct.

Three places you shouldn't fart.

Church, aeroplane, school.

That's it, you've got
it now, haven't you?

Three things that are hard.

Hard-boiled eggs, knobs, er...
Sudoku!

Bobby Norris, everyone.

Next up, it's Andrea McLean.

How am I going to sit in that?

Don't do the leg
in the air move.

Thank you very much.

Fucking perverts.

Don't tuck it in, I'm good.
I can...

Be careful, you're going
to hurt yourself.

Really? Shall I turn you on?

I'll turn you on. You ready?
Yeah. Oh, my good lord.

Right. Ooh!

OK, go quick. Yeah.

Oh my God.

Turn round, we can't see
you, you're on telly.

Turn round. You're on telly.

Three types of weather.

Stormy, cloudy, sunny,
windy, rainy, snowy.

Give me three noises Janet
Street Porter might make.

Aww gawwd! Piss off!
No, I'm not doing it.

Three Caribbean phrases.

Peas and rice. Oh...
Ting and ting!

Andrea McLean, everyone.

Next up - Rickayy!
- it's Patsy Palmer.

Oh, my God, that is quite scary.
At least you've got jeans on.

Oh, my God. Ready? Oops.

Enjoy yourself.

You like it, you like it!
Ooh! Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Three things that
make you sweat.

Aerobic, running and erm...
Leonardo DiCaprio.

Three things you can
smell in the East End.

Cockles, mussels... erm...
Apples and pears.

You can smell stairs. Three
words that rhyme with 'ginge'.

Minge!

That's it, that's it.
Patsy Palmer, everybody.

The scores at the end of
that round are... shating!

We're going to an ad break now.
See you in three.

Pat Butcher is in a
right stinking mood!

Hello and welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!

As you can see, I'm stood outside the
famous TV and film studios, Elstree.

Yes!

To play The Box Game,
sponsored by Boxes,

in association with EastEnders,

in homage to Bianca
Patsy Palmer.

OK, here are the rules.

You will go down the ramp,
past the market stall.

Then you will avoid Phil Mitchell
who is very drunk at the moment.

Past Arthur Fowler's
commemorative bench.

Oh, rest in peace, Arthur!

Which is being guarded by Wellard.
Then you will go into the studio.

The first full team
past the finishing line

will win a point for your team.

- Capiche?
- Capiche!

Are you excited, Fred?
Oui, oui! Mais oui!

That's French for yes. Are
you living the dream?

I am loving it. I love it.
She's fuckin' buzzin', man!

Bobby. You've probably
been in the box before.

Once or twice, babe. Are you
enjoying it in the box?

I'm as happy as a dog
with two dicks, Keith.

OK, you will go when I shout
out Bianca's catchphrase.

- Are you ready?
- Yes!

Three, two, one... Rickaaaay!

Off they go. Who is in the lead?

Bianca. Not Bianca, Patsy.

Patsy is way in the back there.
Oh, fuck!

Bobby is straight past Phil
Mitchell, into the puke.

You dirty... Ugh!

He is in a right mood!

Shit! What the fuck was that?

Straight past Wellard and the
commemorative Arthur Fowler bench.

Gino, Gino, Gino!

Oh! Bobby!

You're going the wrong way.
This way. This way.

Look at Fearne!

♪ EASTENDERS THEME

Oh, no! It's Pat Butcher!
Pat Butcher!

She is in a right stinking mood.

Pat, leave her alone!

Bobby is coming in. Look,
Bobby is coming in now.

I can't believe it!
I can't believe it!

Bobby is coming in now.

He's got to go up the ramp,
past the finishing line.

Bobby, Bobby, Bobby!

There he goes. There he goes.

Up the ramp. Cross
the finishing line.

Well done, well done.

Fred, up the ramp. Up the ramp.

Up the ramp.

There's Andrea.

What are you? What are you?!

Gino's coming.

Gino, Gino, Gino!

Patsy's being aided
by Pat Butcher.

What way? This way?

Oh! It's close!

It's between Fearne and Gino.

Fearne is going straight
for the ramp now!

Past the finishing line.

Hi, you're watching ITV2,

Celebrity Juice with Pat Butcher,
Wellard and Patsy Palmer!

Yes!

Gino, Gino!

Gino's past the line.

Are we here?

And the point goes
to Gino's team!

Patsy. Patsy. I didn't
know where I was.

Patsy, it's been over
for about an hour.

That was so weird. It
was like a bad dream.

So weird. How did you
all get in so fast?

And the scores at the end of
that round are... Sha-ting!

Andrea. What I've always
wanted to know erm...

When you do Loose Women, is it...
OK sorry. What's that?

We've just heard that Holly's
been seen in a local boozer.

Oh, there she is.

There she is, she has walked
into the local boozer.

She is downing the shots.
Oh, no, no.

She's off the wagon.

It's so sad, innit? Cos
she was nearly there.

It is. I blame Philip.

It is, innit? Those
afternoon drinks.

Yeah, yeah. What?
What's going on now?

She is doing what? She is
drinking a yard of ale.

She is just showing off
in front of those guys.

She'll be wanking them off next.
I know, yeah.

Gino, you've just started your
tour, Gino's Italian Escape.

What's the message? What message?
What do you mean?

What's the message of the tour?

The tour is, I go and tour
around the country, 18 dates.

What do you do, though? What is the tour?
I don't get it.

I cook in front of
a live audience.

Thousands of people. Thousands

And then I bring them
to cook with me.

Do you have, like, a
warmup for your tour,

like Ainslie Harriet does
a bit of cooking first?

No, we...

No, we have a warmup
act, his name is Stuart.

Fred, will you go and
see Gino on tour?

Oh, I would love to see him.

It would be fascinating.

Cooking pasta, you
know, making ravioli.

Anyway, a couple of weeks
ago, we played Battle Chips.

Did you see Battle Chips, anyone?
I was the champ of Battle Chips.

You was the champ
of Battle Chips

because you're very good
with your nostrils.

Very. Skilled.

Well, we're gonna play
Battle Chips again,

but in honour of Fred here, we've
renamed it Les Battle Frites.

'Allo! Je m'appelle Keith.
Bienvenue tu Les Battle Frites.

This game is so simple
but first of all,

let me welcome the challenges.

First up is the reigning
champion, Fearne Cotton.

And she will be going against...
Fred Sirisex!

Fred, do you like what we have
done with the set, oui-oui?

Oui, oui!

Why does he get
so much attention

with all this French
idiotic costume?

It's Napoleon! Napoleon!

But he's just...
He's just a guest!

Gino. You said you
were going to be nice.

Just chill out. I am nice!

It's a guest! He's our guest!
And the logo is wrong.

The logo is wrong. You
said Battle Frites.

You couldn't even be
bothered to change it.

It says Battle Chips.

You are being such a
little brat this week.

You dress up like a twat every week!
Just chill out.

You just got burnt by a sister!

How are you going to play this
game, with Jack potatoes?

Ooh!

She is the reigning champion.
Check this.

She is the reigning champion. It's
going to be an amazing battle.

They are called jacket
potatoes, not Jack potatoes.

You are protecting the
chips up your nose

while trying to get
your opponent's chips.

Hands behind the back, in the circle.
You mustn't leave the circle.

I have picked quite a wide chip.
It's like wrestling.

I can't use my stomach? Oh,
that is quite a wide chip.

Fred, put the frites up there.
Very, very wide.

Right, you will go on le klaxon.

I am going to take your hat off
because it is unfair advantage.

Exactly.

I give it back after the show.
Is nice.

On the klaxon. Yep, yep.

Un, deux, trois...

Tres bon!

Hands behind the back.

Oh, there's one! She's got one.

They are like two walruses.

In the circle.

Oh! Oh!

It's one each, it's one each.
Come on, Fearne.

Oh!

And the scores at the end of
that round are... Sha-ting!

We are going to an ad break now.

I'm off for a poo,
I'll see you in two.

Coming up after t'break...

Oh, no. Oh!

She's so cock-hungry.

Hello and welcome back
to Celebrity Juice!

All to play for. It's the final
round, it's the buzzer round.

Buzz in if you know the answer.

If you don't know the answer, be
a chancer and buzz in anyway.

Fearne, what's your
buzzer this week?

'Ricky, I fucking love you'.

Gino, what's your
buzzer this week?

'Fred is the greatest
man in the world'.

Fred is the greatest
man in the world.

According to reports,
how does Adam Woodyat

plan to earn 130,000 grand
in just four weeks?

'Ricky! You look
so fucking tired'.

Doing the same part as Steve
McFadden, not in the same theatre,

but I think they are both
being Captain Hook in panto.

That's correct.

What is the best way
to sit on a sofa?

'Ricky! Give me some
of that factor 50.

I'm burning up, you fucker!'

We've got some options for you.

Is it this way, or
is it this way?

Or is it this way?

Definitely B.

Oh, you labelled
them with letters?

Yeah, B. Seems very cazj.

In what with people sitting on
sofas every time we do this?

People just decide to
have a rest, Gino.

And take a picture and send it here?
It's always sofa as well, weirdly.

Andrea, what is the best way?

It is C, actually.

What a shame.

Oh, no. You got it wrong.

What did Prince William give
Victoria Beckham this week?

'Fred is the best at sex.
He's fantastico.'

Gino's team.

Can you give a
lady a knighthood?

Yeah, it's an OBE.

I think he should have
given her a knighthood,

just to piss David Beckham off.

Apparently, yes, we do have
some footage of Holly.

What is she doing? Oh, no.

She is so cock hungry.
So cock hungry.

She just can't stop herself.

You would never think that that is
Holly Willoughby from daytime TV,

but this is the real Holly that
we know here at Celebrity Juice.

What is she up to now?

What is she doing?

She is eating pisscakes.

I'm going to have a chat
because this is a new low.

Look at the state of it.

Pure love goes out to you.

We hope you get your life back on
track and come back next week.

What is the best way
to sit on a sofa?

'Fred has got a
bigger penis than me!

It's fantastic and smooth!'

Gino's team buzzed in but I
didn't give you the options.

Here's the options, Gino.

What is it, this way?

Is it this way? Same sofa.

Or is it this way?

What is the best way to sit on a sofa.
A, B or C?

I hope it is C.

Patsy, is it C?

I don't even know what's
going on right now.

I'm really weirded out

about the sofa that we have both
been sitting on. 25 years ago.

What is the best way to sit on the sofa?
Is it A, B or C?

Oh, A.

Sorry, Gino's team. It was A.

Who is this
immortalised in salad?

'Ricky!'

Salad? Salad?

I wish it was fucking salad.

That is brilliant.

Who is this
immortalised in sand?

'Fred is fantastico!'

Gino's team.

Ruth and Eamonn.

That is correct.

Really?

Buzz in when you think
Patsy Palmer's hair stops.

'Ricky! Fucking drumsticks!'

Let's have a look. Let's
see how close you are.

Oh, my God. Is that real?

A point to Gino's team.
She got it wrong.

That is the end of
the buzzer round.

That is the end of this
week's Celebrity Juice.

I can tell you that the
winning team tonight is...

Oh, it's very close, very close.

Patsy, I hope you've
had a lovely time

because you haven't won tonight!
It's Gino's team!

It's Gino time!

I was Keith Lemon and if I
don't see you for a week,

I will see you at 10 o'clock next week.
All the best. Let's dance!

Touch

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