Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 17, Episode 4 - Episode #17.4 - full transcript
Keith Lemon hosts an Easter special of the outrageous comedy panel show. Joining regulars Fearne Cotton and regular Gino D'Acampo this time are pop star Pixie Lott, comedian Johnny Vegas, ...
Hi, I'm Keith Lemon. Check out
my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck is goin' on?!"
But don't worry, it's just
another over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
And there is Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Phew!
We made it to the studio just in time
for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I wish it
fuckin' was, though.
Hoorah!
Welcome to a special Celebrity
Juice Easter Special!
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
Happy Easter. Who's on
your flipping team?
On my flipping team...
On my right, I have tattoo fixing
legends Sketch and Paisley.
And on my left, I have...
Well, an egg.
I've got an egg. It's
a special Easter egg.
I can hear a heartbeat. It's
probably ready to hatch.
Aww! He's an Easter chick.
♪ It's Easter
♪ We've all dressed up
♪ We've all dressed...♪
No-one's dressed up...
Seriously, this shit's
getting a bit dry now.
Look at me, I'm dressed up, you.
Johnny Vegas, everyone.
Now, apparently, Holly Willo-boozy
has gone back into rehab this week,
so filling in as team captain - it's
none other than my Bolton buddy,
it's Paddy McGuinness.
Y'all right? Good to see
you as a team captain.
How's it feel? It feels lovely.
Why've you come dressed as
Tom Jones in a nightie?
Well, I liked it. I
thought it was fresh.
Moses is one of my favourite
biblical characters.
I think he's the most righteous.
Right, OK.
Paddy, who is on your team?
Well, let the pop see the star.
It's Pixie Lott.
Promoting his show?!
I'm sorry, did I interject a
catchphrase from my show,
which starts this Saturday!
Let the mugger meet the plugger.
Who else is on your team, Paddy?
It's supposed to be Gino
D'Acampo, but he's not here.
Don't tell me he's got some
elaborate opening, has he?
♪ LUCIANO PAVAROTTI
- La Donna E Mobile
Oh, no.
Rabbit with lemon...
Gino! Gino! Gino!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Carry on. Carry on. Grazie.
Thank you, guys.
You fuckin' prick. What's that?!
What is he doing here?
He is team captain. What do
you mean he is team captain?
He's captain of the team.
The deal is - when one of
the girls is impregnitised,
I'm the captain.
Well, you are not.
She's in rehab.
So why am I not the captain?
We prefer Paddy.
He can speak English. Nobody can
understand fucking Bolton -
Gino, to make it up to you, I will
let you do one of your rounds.
One of your stupid games. Can
I do the fingering round?
Oh, God. Is the fingering round Easter?
It's not very Eastery.
We can do the Gino's
history fingering round.
The history?
With Listerine?
The Listerine History Eastery!
Do they have to test your breath and
then put a finger in your mouth?
No, you put your finger out and then
I put something on your finger,
and you guess and
you get a point.
Hey, mate, I've been
to prison once.
It's Sketch and Paisley from
Tattoo Fixers, everyone!
You are on the hit
show Tattoo Fixers.
For anyone who's not seen
it, what's the message?
What is it? People basically
come on with shit tattoos.
my new, sweet-arse titles.
You're probably thinking,
"What the fuck is goin' on?!"
But don't worry, it's just
another over-elaborate metaphor
for how totally
rad this show is.
Look, there is Holly Willo-boozy
firing space lasers
from her massive tits.
And there is Fearne Cotton riding
a giant cock-shaped spaceship.
Oh, there is Gino D'Acampo
firing dough balls.
Here we are taking a selfie.
Phew!
We made it to the studio just in time
for the best telly show on telly.
What's that telly show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice on telly.
Not in 3-D, I wish it
fuckin' was, though.
Hoorah!
Welcome to a special Celebrity
Juice Easter Special!
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Fearne Cotton.
Happy Easter. Who's on
your flipping team?
On my flipping team...
On my right, I have tattoo fixing
legends Sketch and Paisley.
And on my left, I have...
Well, an egg.
I've got an egg. It's
a special Easter egg.
I can hear a heartbeat. It's
probably ready to hatch.
Aww! He's an Easter chick.
♪ It's Easter
♪ We've all dressed up
♪ We've all dressed...♪
No-one's dressed up...
Seriously, this shit's
getting a bit dry now.
Look at me, I'm dressed up, you.
Johnny Vegas, everyone.
Now, apparently, Holly Willo-boozy
has gone back into rehab this week,
so filling in as team captain - it's
none other than my Bolton buddy,
it's Paddy McGuinness.
Y'all right? Good to see
you as a team captain.
How's it feel? It feels lovely.
Why've you come dressed as
Tom Jones in a nightie?
Well, I liked it. I
thought it was fresh.
Moses is one of my favourite
biblical characters.
I think he's the most righteous.
Right, OK.
Paddy, who is on your team?
Well, let the pop see the star.
It's Pixie Lott.
Promoting his show?!
I'm sorry, did I interject a
catchphrase from my show,
which starts this Saturday!
Let the mugger meet the plugger.
Who else is on your team, Paddy?
It's supposed to be Gino
D'Acampo, but he's not here.
Don't tell me he's got some
elaborate opening, has he?
♪ LUCIANO PAVAROTTI
- La Donna E Mobile
Oh, no.
Rabbit with lemon...
Gino! Gino! Gino!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Carry on. Carry on. Grazie.
Thank you, guys.
You fuckin' prick. What's that?!
What is he doing here?
He is team captain. What do
you mean he is team captain?
He's captain of the team.
The deal is - when one of
the girls is impregnitised,
I'm the captain.
Well, you are not.
She's in rehab.
So why am I not the captain?
We prefer Paddy.
He can speak English. Nobody can
understand fucking Bolton -
Gino, to make it up to you, I will
let you do one of your rounds.
One of your stupid games. Can
I do the fingering round?
Oh, God. Is the fingering round Easter?
It's not very Eastery.
We can do the Gino's
history fingering round.
The history?
With Listerine?
The Listerine History Eastery!
Do they have to test your breath and
then put a finger in your mouth?
No, you put your finger out and then
I put something on your finger,
and you guess and
you get a point.
Hey, mate, I've been
to prison once.
It's Sketch and Paisley from
Tattoo Fixers, everyone!
You are on the hit
show Tattoo Fixers.
For anyone who's not seen
it, what's the message?
What is it? People basically
come on with shit tattoos.