Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 15, Episode 2 - Easter Special - full transcript
I'm Keith Lemon, and these
are my not new titles.
There's Holly coming
out of a giant clam.
She's still got
them bangers, boy!
There's Fearne Cotton, who's
back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of
modern science.
And there's Gino Sheffield
D'acampo with a tiny willy,
just like in real life.
We're all in heaven, but don't
worry - we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to make
the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly?
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
Not 4K-ready. What's 4K?
Yeah, I'm alive! Yeah!
Hoo-rah!
Happy Easter. Let's
meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly
Willoughboozy.
Who have you come as?
Moses. Moses, the most righteous
and coolest character
of all bibliconical times.
And what has Moses got
to do with Easter?
Well, Moses went to
school with Jesus
and Easter is about Jesus coming
back alive from behind a rock.
Are you sure they went
to school together?
I know that shit, sister.
I know that shit.
And he parted 'nuff Red
Sea, just like myself.
Oh, no!
Who is on your team?
Well, tonight on my team to my
right, he's back on the dream team,
it's Gino!
Thank you.
And on my left, looking better
than he ever has done before,
it's Johnny Vegas.
Let's meet our other team captain.
She's got tits like Mini Eggs.
It's Fearne Cotton!
Fearne, who's on your team?
On my right, it's another
Ferne, Ferne McCann.
And, well, sort of on
my left, it's Rylan.
Yes. Erm...
What we do about that?
Well, if you saw the live show last
week, we accidentally killed Rylan.
You accidentally killed Rylan.
I accidentally killed Rylan.
I thought it would be a good
idea if we bring the coffin in.
Well, it's an Easter
treat, innit?
Chocolate, bunnies,
what about dead people?
Because it's about dead things
coming back alive, innit?
Jesus. Mostly Jesus
predominantly, yeah.
So I think we've got
the coffin over there.
Let's go see him. Let's go see what
Rylan looks like as a dead person.
So, here he is. This is what Rylan
look like. But you know what?
I read this fairytale
called Cinderella
and there's something
called a true love's kiss
and that brings
people back to life.
And because it's Easter,
it just might happen.
And I'm modern, I
can kiss a man.
So I'm gonna kiss him and
see if he comes back alive
because I do love him.
Maybe I should cup his balls.
Agh!
You're alive, Rylan. He's alive!
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
Come on! Come on, pal.
He's alive!
Two Fernes!
It's gonna be a bit confusing
when I say, "Ferne, Fearne".
Yes. Yeah, because we
both keep turning around.
Yes. So Fearne Cotton,
I'll call you John.
All right. That is actually better
than I thought it was going to be
so I'm kind of OK with John.
John, what do you like
about Easter the most?
I'm quite loving the fact that we've
got lots of chicks over here.
We've got chicks. Look at this!
They are so sweet.
Do they bite, chicks? I don't know.
Are they what?
Will they bite me?
As someone who is
into animal rights,
I think it's only best
that I free them.
You're free, you're free!
I've just got to say, to all the
ladies that send me fanmail,
that wasn't a real one.
I'm very sensitive, I
would never kill a chick.
What's it like wearing a skirt?
Is it quite freeing?
Yeah, it is quite freeing.
What are you wearing underneath?
Just my underpants.
It must be a nightmare
when you are at premieres
and you are wearing next to nothing.
Ferne?
Didn't you go see Batman
Vs Superman t'other night?
You know what, I knew you
was gonna bring this up.
Did you have your
fanny hanging out?
We've got a picture, Rylan.
Have a look at this. Oh, no!
Yeah, boy! Wow!
When you've got a thong
that far up your arse,
you can get a yeast
infection, you know?
Can I explain this, right? My friend
come with me to the premiere.
I said, "take a picture,
let the flash go off
and see if you can
see anything".
We then got to the premiere,
loads of flashes,
saw it online,
completely see-through.
I saw it when you walked past.
"Look at the gash on that, boy!"
Ferne, you've had an
incredible couple of years.
Not you, John. I'm talking to Ferne.
It's not all about you.
We know about you.
"I've had a fucking baby,
I've had a baby, I'm tired".
First you were on TOWIE. Yes.
Then you went into the jungle.
I did.
And you came second? Everyone thinks
this but I actually come third.
Still the final, innit? It was the final.
That's very good.
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
The thing that I find
most impressive,
is it true that you've just passed
your driving test for buses?
That is brilliant.
But women can't drive, can they?
These are so handy.
Women can throw!
They fucking can't!
What you doing? Leave it out, man.
Get off me. I don't like it!
Happy Easter.
You know what, you selfish cow,
one of us is wearing white!
I'm only joking. I'm joking.
I thought the jungle was hard.
Bus driving is so challenging.
Hold on. Hold on. Driving
a bus was harder
than eating a fucking spider
as big as Verne Troyer?
Look at this.
I had, like, so many
complaints about the spider.
But it's like a tiny dog!
It took me about 20 minutes
to eat that thing.
It was kind of like,
imagine softshell crab,
and the legs, OK, I
could deal with that.
But the body was like
really like gunky
and it dispersed as I bit
into the body and was like...
It was like eating a
testicle with legs?
It might have been
carrying spider babies.
Exactly. What if it
laid eggs in your belly
and you gave birth
to baby Spider-Man?
That would just be epic.
It's Rylan Clark-Neal!
Are you Rylan
Clark-Neal in real life
or is it still Rylan
Clark on telly?
No, it's Rylan Clark-Neal,
I got married.
You got married? Yeah.
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
And there's the wedding picture.
All my bridesmaids there.
Oh, that's so nice.
Oh, I know her!
That's my cousin Kimberly,
yeah, she lives near you.
And look, Claire from Steps.
I were just going to say,
first person to spot Claire
from Steps wins a point.
Childhood dream. I know,
look at her, she loves it.
And you've got fit
Claire from Steps there.
I actually did say to Claire,
"if you put the weight back on,
you are buying your own
bridesmaid's dress".
Because I'd already bought it!
Is that not a dream come true,
that you had Claire from
Steps as your bridesmaid?
Do you know what -
No, getting married to the
love of his life was!
Yeah, no, not about
the marriage.
When it's two men getting
married, does a man hold flowers?
No, we didn't.
No-one throws, like, the bouquet
over for the bridesmaids
so they can go, "Oh, I'm
gonna get married next!"
No, we didn't do that. We just
threw some shapes instead.
That was the actual
shape we threw.
Did you throw a bag
of salad at them?
Claire!
Ooh!
She's my mate!
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
This is why I should
never come back.
Hey, where's Johnny? Here's Johnny.
It's Johnny Vegas!
Johnny Vegas seems to be the
only one that got the email
that I sent out
saying it was Easter,
let's dress up as
Easter characters.
I always make an effort. This
is like a big night out for me.
I come here, and I make the effort,
and then you put real grass down,
and your producer comes up and
goes, "Johnny, if you could start
eating it during the show,
that'd be brilliant".
Have you got a sweat
on yet in there?
My testicles, I just feel like
they are in an infinity pool.
The sweat is running
off my knees.
Honest to God, my balls feel
like they're on holiday.
Isn't it nice, looking over the
- Johnny.
I'll have a sitdown - Johnny!
My ears are facing that...
Look, when I talk, it's
like I'm on Newsnight,
I've got to be dead serious.
I have just been asked a
question about, you know,
the housing problem in Sussex!
I can't casually chat
with this fucking hat on!
Is it true you trained
to be a priest? Yes.
Tell us. Well, I did. Good.
Last week in the live show,
we did a little bit of
an Ant and Dec special
where we went to
somebody's house live.
We had a little mishap because
they were making sweet love.
There they are.
Are they genuine having sex?
They're genuine.
If they're having sex,
why is she facing him?
They were making love.
And when you love a person,
you look in the eyes.
Why would you want
to look at someone?
Because if you love them.
Yeah, and then when they start
laughing, what do you do?
OK, well, just like Ant and
Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway,
we're going to do
something very similar.
Where they give their viewers
the chance to win the best seat
in the house. Have you seen that?
Yes.
Which is a slightly nicer
seat than the normal seats.
So we are doing the juiciest seat
in the Celebrity Juice studio.
We've got one lucky winner. Lucky bastards.
There they are.
Going to them live now.
In the juiciest seat in the
Celebrity Juice studio.
Oh, no. You can't do that.
And all all they had to do was
tell us where wood came from,
which we know is B&Q.
Are you having a good time?
Yes, kind of.
Happy Easter!
My favourite thing about Easter
is when the Easter Bunny does
his Easter bunny egg hunt.
Yeah, that's lovely.
Nice, innit?
Can you explain the
reason behind that?
I think it's just a symbol of spring
and new life, bunnies and chicks.
And Easter eggs.
What do you do at Easter, then, Gino?
Hunt for pizzas? Lasagna?
You know, seriously, we
actually eat rabbit for Easter.
So I don't get why... Run!
Well, on that note,
let's play...
Johnny, we've hidden some
golden eggs around the studio
and around the parameters.
You've got to bring them back.
You'll get a point for your team
for every one you bring back.
Aw! Here is the Easter
egg basket thing.
You just get cuter.
You are up against the clock.
You've got an allotted time.
Listen to our instructions, OK?
Yeah.
How can we give instructions
without the map?
I've got the map here.
Ready? Go!
OK, where do I go? You've got
to go out of the studio.
It looks like it's in
that communal area.
Do I look like I
run for pleasure?
Is it in the coffin? No.
It is in the comm-on-unal area.
That's "communal" area.
I've got it!
What did he say? Comm-on-unal area.
Come on, Eileen!
Is it the come on Eileen area?
Johnny, you've lost your ears.
I've found it!
What's he doing in a box?
Right. OK. Right, keep
going, you're nearly there.
Oh, you are taking the piss.
Well done, Johnny. Right, Johnny,
you need to find my dressing room.
So go down the corridor.
That's it.
It's Phillip Schofield, pissed
in Holly's dressing room!
Oh, he loves it in there.
Is it down his pants?
Look, Schofield's so
ashamed of himself
because he's pissed on telly again.
He won't show his face.
What are you doing?
He's got it, he's got it.
OK, you need to go back to the
toilets, Johnny. Toilets!
are my not new titles.
There's Holly coming
out of a giant clam.
She's still got
them bangers, boy!
There's Fearne Cotton, who's
back after having another baby.
She's a wonder of
modern science.
And there's Gino Sheffield
D'acampo with a tiny willy,
just like in real life.
We're all in heaven, but don't
worry - we're not dead.
It's just an over-elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to make
the best show on telly.
What's that show on telly?
Celebrity Juice, on telly.
Not 4K-ready. What's 4K?
Yeah, I'm alive! Yeah!
Hoo-rah!
Happy Easter. Let's
meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly
Willoughboozy.
Who have you come as?
Moses. Moses, the most righteous
and coolest character
of all bibliconical times.
And what has Moses got
to do with Easter?
Well, Moses went to
school with Jesus
and Easter is about Jesus coming
back alive from behind a rock.
Are you sure they went
to school together?
I know that shit, sister.
I know that shit.
And he parted 'nuff Red
Sea, just like myself.
Oh, no!
Who is on your team?
Well, tonight on my team to my
right, he's back on the dream team,
it's Gino!
Thank you.
And on my left, looking better
than he ever has done before,
it's Johnny Vegas.
Let's meet our other team captain.
She's got tits like Mini Eggs.
It's Fearne Cotton!
Fearne, who's on your team?
On my right, it's another
Ferne, Ferne McCann.
And, well, sort of on
my left, it's Rylan.
Yes. Erm...
What we do about that?
Well, if you saw the live show last
week, we accidentally killed Rylan.
You accidentally killed Rylan.
I accidentally killed Rylan.
I thought it would be a good
idea if we bring the coffin in.
Well, it's an Easter
treat, innit?
Chocolate, bunnies,
what about dead people?
Because it's about dead things
coming back alive, innit?
Jesus. Mostly Jesus
predominantly, yeah.
So I think we've got
the coffin over there.
Let's go see him. Let's go see what
Rylan looks like as a dead person.
So, here he is. This is what Rylan
look like. But you know what?
I read this fairytale
called Cinderella
and there's something
called a true love's kiss
and that brings
people back to life.
And because it's Easter,
it just might happen.
And I'm modern, I
can kiss a man.
So I'm gonna kiss him and
see if he comes back alive
because I do love him.
Maybe I should cup his balls.
Agh!
You're alive, Rylan. He's alive!
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
Come on! Come on, pal.
He's alive!
Two Fernes!
It's gonna be a bit confusing
when I say, "Ferne, Fearne".
Yes. Yeah, because we
both keep turning around.
Yes. So Fearne Cotton,
I'll call you John.
All right. That is actually better
than I thought it was going to be
so I'm kind of OK with John.
John, what do you like
about Easter the most?
I'm quite loving the fact that we've
got lots of chicks over here.
We've got chicks. Look at this!
They are so sweet.
Do they bite, chicks? I don't know.
Are they what?
Will they bite me?
As someone who is
into animal rights,
I think it's only best
that I free them.
You're free, you're free!
I've just got to say, to all the
ladies that send me fanmail,
that wasn't a real one.
I'm very sensitive, I
would never kill a chick.
What's it like wearing a skirt?
Is it quite freeing?
Yeah, it is quite freeing.
What are you wearing underneath?
Just my underpants.
It must be a nightmare
when you are at premieres
and you are wearing next to nothing.
Ferne?
Didn't you go see Batman
Vs Superman t'other night?
You know what, I knew you
was gonna bring this up.
Did you have your
fanny hanging out?
We've got a picture, Rylan.
Have a look at this. Oh, no!
Yeah, boy! Wow!
When you've got a thong
that far up your arse,
you can get a yeast
infection, you know?
Can I explain this, right? My friend
come with me to the premiere.
I said, "take a picture,
let the flash go off
and see if you can
see anything".
We then got to the premiere,
loads of flashes,
saw it online,
completely see-through.
I saw it when you walked past.
"Look at the gash on that, boy!"
Ferne, you've had an
incredible couple of years.
Not you, John. I'm talking to Ferne.
It's not all about you.
We know about you.
"I've had a fucking baby,
I've had a baby, I'm tired".
First you were on TOWIE. Yes.
Then you went into the jungle.
I did.
And you came second? Everyone thinks
this but I actually come third.
Still the final, innit? It was the final.
That's very good.
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
The thing that I find
most impressive,
is it true that you've just passed
your driving test for buses?
That is brilliant.
But women can't drive, can they?
These are so handy.
Women can throw!
They fucking can't!
What you doing? Leave it out, man.
Get off me. I don't like it!
Happy Easter.
You know what, you selfish cow,
one of us is wearing white!
I'm only joking. I'm joking.
I thought the jungle was hard.
Bus driving is so challenging.
Hold on. Hold on. Driving
a bus was harder
than eating a fucking spider
as big as Verne Troyer?
Look at this.
I had, like, so many
complaints about the spider.
But it's like a tiny dog!
It took me about 20 minutes
to eat that thing.
It was kind of like,
imagine softshell crab,
and the legs, OK, I
could deal with that.
But the body was like
really like gunky
and it dispersed as I bit
into the body and was like...
It was like eating a
testicle with legs?
It might have been
carrying spider babies.
Exactly. What if it
laid eggs in your belly
and you gave birth
to baby Spider-Man?
That would just be epic.
It's Rylan Clark-Neal!
Are you Rylan
Clark-Neal in real life
or is it still Rylan
Clark on telly?
No, it's Rylan Clark-Neal,
I got married.
You got married? Yeah.
♪ HALLELUJAH! ♪
And there's the wedding picture.
All my bridesmaids there.
Oh, that's so nice.
Oh, I know her!
That's my cousin Kimberly,
yeah, she lives near you.
And look, Claire from Steps.
I were just going to say,
first person to spot Claire
from Steps wins a point.
Childhood dream. I know,
look at her, she loves it.
And you've got fit
Claire from Steps there.
I actually did say to Claire,
"if you put the weight back on,
you are buying your own
bridesmaid's dress".
Because I'd already bought it!
Is that not a dream come true,
that you had Claire from
Steps as your bridesmaid?
Do you know what -
No, getting married to the
love of his life was!
Yeah, no, not about
the marriage.
When it's two men getting
married, does a man hold flowers?
No, we didn't.
No-one throws, like, the bouquet
over for the bridesmaids
so they can go, "Oh, I'm
gonna get married next!"
No, we didn't do that. We just
threw some shapes instead.
That was the actual
shape we threw.
Did you throw a bag
of salad at them?
Claire!
Ooh!
She's my mate!
Ooh-hoo-hoo!
This is why I should
never come back.
Hey, where's Johnny? Here's Johnny.
It's Johnny Vegas!
Johnny Vegas seems to be the
only one that got the email
that I sent out
saying it was Easter,
let's dress up as
Easter characters.
I always make an effort. This
is like a big night out for me.
I come here, and I make the effort,
and then you put real grass down,
and your producer comes up and
goes, "Johnny, if you could start
eating it during the show,
that'd be brilliant".
Have you got a sweat
on yet in there?
My testicles, I just feel like
they are in an infinity pool.
The sweat is running
off my knees.
Honest to God, my balls feel
like they're on holiday.
Isn't it nice, looking over the
- Johnny.
I'll have a sitdown - Johnny!
My ears are facing that...
Look, when I talk, it's
like I'm on Newsnight,
I've got to be dead serious.
I have just been asked a
question about, you know,
the housing problem in Sussex!
I can't casually chat
with this fucking hat on!
Is it true you trained
to be a priest? Yes.
Tell us. Well, I did. Good.
Last week in the live show,
we did a little bit of
an Ant and Dec special
where we went to
somebody's house live.
We had a little mishap because
they were making sweet love.
There they are.
Are they genuine having sex?
They're genuine.
If they're having sex,
why is she facing him?
They were making love.
And when you love a person,
you look in the eyes.
Why would you want
to look at someone?
Because if you love them.
Yeah, and then when they start
laughing, what do you do?
OK, well, just like Ant and
Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway,
we're going to do
something very similar.
Where they give their viewers
the chance to win the best seat
in the house. Have you seen that?
Yes.
Which is a slightly nicer
seat than the normal seats.
So we are doing the juiciest seat
in the Celebrity Juice studio.
We've got one lucky winner. Lucky bastards.
There they are.
Going to them live now.
In the juiciest seat in the
Celebrity Juice studio.
Oh, no. You can't do that.
And all all they had to do was
tell us where wood came from,
which we know is B&Q.
Are you having a good time?
Yes, kind of.
Happy Easter!
My favourite thing about Easter
is when the Easter Bunny does
his Easter bunny egg hunt.
Yeah, that's lovely.
Nice, innit?
Can you explain the
reason behind that?
I think it's just a symbol of spring
and new life, bunnies and chicks.
And Easter eggs.
What do you do at Easter, then, Gino?
Hunt for pizzas? Lasagna?
You know, seriously, we
actually eat rabbit for Easter.
So I don't get why... Run!
Well, on that note,
let's play...
Johnny, we've hidden some
golden eggs around the studio
and around the parameters.
You've got to bring them back.
You'll get a point for your team
for every one you bring back.
Aw! Here is the Easter
egg basket thing.
You just get cuter.
You are up against the clock.
You've got an allotted time.
Listen to our instructions, OK?
Yeah.
How can we give instructions
without the map?
I've got the map here.
Ready? Go!
OK, where do I go? You've got
to go out of the studio.
It looks like it's in
that communal area.
Do I look like I
run for pleasure?
Is it in the coffin? No.
It is in the comm-on-unal area.
That's "communal" area.
I've got it!
What did he say? Comm-on-unal area.
Come on, Eileen!
Is it the come on Eileen area?
Johnny, you've lost your ears.
I've found it!
What's he doing in a box?
Right. OK. Right, keep
going, you're nearly there.
Oh, you are taking the piss.
Well done, Johnny. Right, Johnny,
you need to find my dressing room.
So go down the corridor.
That's it.
It's Phillip Schofield, pissed
in Holly's dressing room!
Oh, he loves it in there.
Is it down his pants?
Look, Schofield's so
ashamed of himself
because he's pissed on telly again.
He won't show his face.
What are you doing?
He's got it, he's got it.
OK, you need to go back to the
toilets, Johnny. Toilets!