Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - Celebrity Juice Live - full transcript
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Summat rude pops out?
It's a horrible idea. You do it
like that with Schofield every day.
Fearne and Gino will be doing it too!
Erm...
We're still talking about
the live show, right?
I hate these pre-recorded pre-title
sketches. They never work.
They always look pre-recorded.
They never look live.
They never look live, do they?
THIS isn't pre-recorded. THAT is
pre-recorded. We're live right now.
I'm not live now. I'm pre-recorded.
No, look up there in the corner.
It says 'live', which means
you're live on TV right now.
Oh, fuck, we're live!
Sorry. Sorry.
Shall we pull it out
so we run over?
Run the titles!
I'm Keith Lemon and
these are my titles.
Live, still got those bangers.
Live, Gino D'Acampo
with his tiny willy.
What is the best show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice live on telly.
It's going to go wrong as fuck.
We are live!
Hurrah! Yes! We're live! Wow!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice - we are
kicking it off with a live special.
This is so weird because I had
a dream about this a couple
of nights ago. On that dream,
Mariah Carey was a guest.
She got so excited her boobs
popped out and I went,
'Your boobs have popped out!'
And I didn't realise because
I was looking at boobs,
of course, I had a
straight willy.
What is the live word for that?
Erection!
I realised Mariah Carey would
never come on Celebrity Juice,
it's just a dream.
That's true! Let's find out
who is on Celebrity Juice.
So let's go and meet
our team captains.
First up - it's Holly Willoughbooby.
Thanks.
Oh, my God. Who let us be live?
Check out them milk trucks.
You are looking good. You look young.
Have you had your hair cut?
Yes, it's a bit shorter. I'd
let you fart in my mouth. Tha
Holly, who's on your team?
Ricky Wilson.
On my left, he is the king of live
TV, he is my partner in crime.
My best mate, it's Phillip Schofield.
Exactly.
Let's introduce our
second-team captain.
He's defied medical science
again by becoming a father.
It's Fearne Cotton.
♪ Yeah, yeah, dude looks like a lady!
♪ Thank you.
That is a lovely welcome back.
Is it good to be back?
I'm sorry, Fearne,
because we're live,
I'm going to have to hurry you.
You look fit. This is my first time
seeing your new look in person.
Do you like the beard? I can't
work out if it is like Keith
on a gap year or Keith
Lemon midlife crisis.
If they ever bring Worzel
Gummidge back, there he is.
Fearne, tell us who's on your team?
Gino D'Acampo.
Gino!
On my right, the Geordie Queen
of everything, it's Vicky Pa
When you are talking to a lady,
always look in the eyes.
Holly, to prove that we are totally
live, Holly, why don't you
take a selfie of your team and
post it on Twitter right now?
Or if you are American, Twittor.
She has got a lighty up thing!
Take a picture. People
ask for a selfie.
I am no good at these
sort of things.
'I am no good at pressing buttons.'
I am tweeting this right now.
Holly, if it gets
over 1,000 tweets,
you and Fearne at the end of the
show are going to French kiss.
That is not... No. I've
said it on live TV, so you
Otherwise we have to give Offcoff 30 quid.
It is sent. We are live.
We get to see them tonguing at
the end of the show. Is it done?
It is done. But that is not done.
I love you, but...
When you are in the dressing room
together, are you a tongue sucker?
Are you caressing each other's pink bits?
Do a game or something!
Fearne, properly, I just
want to say welcome back.
It is great to have you back.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Very kind. Can I ask you a
bit about the birth? Yes.
Did you have a sunroof or did they
just pull it out by its legs?
Neither. It... Honey,
the lovely little baby.
I thought you called
it something else.
It did come out of that doorway.
I had a water birth.
Can't the baby breathe? They
come from water into water.
But the water that is inside
of you is magic water.
Fanny water is magical
because it feeds them.
But the real water, 'Aaaaah'!
Yes, magical fanny water.
Because this is live TV,
we have got a crazy stunt.
Christopher Evans has got the
same colour hair as you.
On TFI Friday, they
do something crazy
like throw a Megadrive or SNES
or Atari out of the window.
I have got a stunt. It is
the Celebrity Juice tank.
I am going to drive that
down Borehamwood High Street
and go into an off licence
and buy cider and bread.
You can't do that.
Tony will drive it and I
will pretend to drive it
and he will be down there,
not doing anything.
Nice. What a combo. Have you
ever dipped bread in cider?
You can do that. Because we are live!
Stop talking, we are live!
Phillip Schofield in the hizzle!
There are two Jedis in TV.
You would be Ben Kenobi.
You have done more live telly than
I have stuck fingers in holes.
Have I done that much? Can
you give me some tips?
Don't swear.
Think about when you're
on This Morning.
The barrier that
you have on there.
I said, 'chocolate
starfish' to Ruth once.
Also on This Morning, you
have got Gino D'Acampo.
You were on there recently. You
went to Austria. Can you snowboard?
I can't. See!
I saw it. He can't.
Schofield, can you snowboard?
I can't. This is just going
into dodgy territory.
You are live on telly. You can't say Cu...
mberland sausage.
Ladies don't like that. I don't
have a Cumberland sausage.
You do, I think. You can't drink on TV?
Can you?
They like to drink, don't they?
At the NTAs. We got shitfaced!
We have got a picture of you the
morning after on This Morning.
Holly is farting in his face. It
was not funny. It was really bad.
Did you get to that stage
where you got really hungry?
Loose Women brought a cake
in and it was brilliant.
My friend works in CCTV.
He has given me some exclusive
footage of you too in a kebab shop.
Have a look at this.
There you are.
It is coming back now. Why
is Schofield being a wanker?
What are you doing that for? It was
a waste of food. There she is.
15 series I have been
going on about this.
Pissed on a fox.
Minutes that I lost. I
don't remember that.
Actors do that in films. I didn't
think people did that in real life.
What did it taste like, Phillip?
Chocolate starfish.
Wow! It's Vicky
Pattison in the hizzle!
Vicky, you started
on Geordie Shore
and now you are the
Queen of the Jungle.
There you are.
Apparently, you are not allowed
to take the staff home,
but I heard you did.
Which cavity did you put it in?
I didn't take the stick.
I'm saying I didn't take it.
This is gonna get old.
Did you already have your own show?
Judge Geordie?
I was a judge before
I was a queen.
Now you have got a real grown-up
job because you are a Loose Woman.
Weren't you already
one of those?
I think I was but it
wasn't a profession.
Things are going so well for you.
You have just moved to Essex.
I have. That is not in London.
It is still fucking miles away.
It is closer than Newcastle. You
posted a picture on Twitter.
You and your gash... Your gaff!
Did you forget to
bring your clothes?
That was just for you, that one.
Just like in the McDonald's ad,
I am loving it. Schofield?
We have made Phillip Schofield blush!
So you live in Essex.
If you are a burglar and you
want to know where she lives,
she is not at home.
She is here. So go
and rob her house.
Don't go to my house
because my mam is there
and she will kick the
shit out of you.
Rob Schofield's house. He has
got lots of nice things.
My house is safe. Do
you have a panic room?
No, your mum is in
my house right now.
Why, you mother-lover!
I actually can't say that,
but when you don't love someone
and you just fuck 'em.
You can't say that
word, can you?
Step-mum? I am going to sit
like this
You're not allowed step mum.
What about auntie.
Hey, it's Ricky Wilson!
Ricky, because we are live,
we are running out of time,
I have got to ask you some
quick-fire questions.
Is it true you own over
12,000 waistcoats? True.
Is it true this is the first
time you have ever been
on TV not wearing a waistcoat?
I have got one underneath.
Is it true you are always
snapped wearing waistcoats
because you actually work
part-time in a Travelodge?
Can you spell waistcoat?
W-A-I-S-T-C-O-A-T.
That is not the waistcoat
I was looking for.
We were thinking - what a
waste of coat that is.
That is not a point for your team.
What did you say?
We are live...
You can't say auntie-fucker. I said
it then, but don't say it again.
Grandmother?
Shut up!
Because we are live, we have got to
do something called interactive.
We are giving you a chance to get
involved with the show via Twitter.
Have a look at this. Outside, we
have got a box. A wooden box. Yes.
Inside that box is
none another than...
Rylan!
Why is he in the box?
Rylan is in the box
because he phoned me
and said he wanted
to be on the show.
Unfortunately, we had
already booked the guests,
so I said we can have him in a box
and we can ask people at home
via Twitter if they think you
should be on the panel or in a box.
So, if you are at home,
we want you to tweet...
..or...
To be honest, if it were up to me...
Keith, go fuck yourself.
Rylan, you are live on ITV2.
Please don't swear, don't
say fuck or bugger.
Rylan, everyone, in a box!
We thought long and hard
which round to start with.
We have gone with Don't
Show Keith Your Teeth.
I'm going to give
you a category.
You mustn't stutter
or repeat yourself.
What you mustn't do is feed
a Mogwai after midnight.
This is hard for
me at the moment.
Imagine if Rylan was
here on the panel.
We'd have the scaffolders in.
Because it's St Patrick's Day today,
the category is... Irish Things.
Starting with you, Ricky. I'm going
to start with Ricky Wilson. Bono.
What? Pot of gold.
Louis Walsh. Potato.
The catchphrase? Be-be-pum?
To be sure, to be sure.
Be-be-beeehh!
Ricky? B♪Witched.
Hold on. Vicky, you showed your teeth.
Did Vicky show her teeth?
Yes. Holly.
Irish... stew. D-d-d-dew?
Hesitation. You mustn't stutter.
Irish d-d-d-dew. He is worse
than Gareth Gates. D-d-d-d-d...
Shamrock.
Guinness. Bin men? Guinness.
Danny O'Donoghue.
Ireland.
What is more Irish than Ireland?
With Holly, they are
saying Ireland...
Holly, you are out. What?
I said Boyzone.
Ricky. Graham Norton.
What is that for?
I said Eamonn Holmes.
You've watching ITV2.
That's the end of the game.
Something not right
going on here.
Because Fearne's team had two
people left and Holly only had one,
the point goes to Fearne's team.
And the scores at the end
of that round are sha-ting!
We're still on!
What time have you got? He said
sha-ting, so it goes to the break.
Our poll for Rylan in the
box finishes at 10:45.
Rylan, you still there?
Have you got anything
to do in there,
or is it like being
in Big Brother?
Just having a wank.
We are going to a break. Do
you want to throw to a break?
You can all go fuck yourselves.
We should do Celebrity
Juice, live in Italy.
We are back! Welcome
to the live special.
Join us later on in the
show I'll be driving
the Celebrity Juice
tank down to the shops.
We all enjoy a good pooh.
When you do a nice
pooh, it is aah!
It is like having your ear syringed.
Let's play...
Dude That Movie Sounds Like My!
This is live!
It is like being at the theatre.
Say hello to your mother if
you want to be on telly.
This is weird.
Let me get through it, because we
are running over by four minutes.
Gino, in this game all you have to do
is describe your pooh via a movie.
Here's an example.
I did one which would've
been Hitchcock's the Birds.
A Flock Of Seagulls.
When you do one you
cannot control
and Gillian McKeith would
say she did not like it!
OK. Go! We're live!
Any Which Way But Loose.
Splash.
Rambo: First Blood!
Winnie The Pooh!
Look happy he is!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Shitty Shitty! The Rock.
How many? How many?
I would have accepted
There Will Be Blood,
and The Thin Red Line
when you wipe too hard.
You got five! Gino D'Acampo!
Next up, it's Phillip Schofield.
I think we have to hold these
because it makes it harder.
It's hard to concentrate. Before we
start, Phil, I have something to do.
You know Ant and Dec when
they cut to someone's house?
We've found two of Celebrity
Juice's biggest fans.
Paul and Jenny,
our biggest fans.
That's the house.
Bring them back!
We cannot go back to them.
You have put a bed
sheet over the sofa.
Looked like your mum.
You dirty pig.
Gino was describing
his pooh with films.
I want you to
describe your willy.
Names of films you could
give your penis. Go!
Shaft.
Anaconda.
Gone In 60 Seconds.
The Color Purple.
Have you not got skin? Up!
Raging Bull!
Come on!
Titanic? Free Willy!
Titanic!
Big Daddy!
Deep Impact.
You could have had Tomb Raider,
Godzilla, King Kong.
Fifty Shades Of Grey!
Who said that? You...
Fuck off!
Lemon got Schofield
to swear live on air!
You got nine!
Next it is Holly Willoughboozy.
He did very well. I
can't do willies.
That was live pitter-patter. Are we
running over? We are running over.
We are going to go back to Jennie and
Paul to see if they have finished.
Have we got time? Can
we do a quick one?
You had to describe
your sweet fadge.
We are running over
by four minutes.
Over to Rylan for the scores.
Erm...
The scores at the end of
the round are... sha-ting!
Is that an ad break? Is it?
Before we do that,
give me one example
of how you would describe
your fadge as a film.
Hot Fuzz.
Big Momma's House. Walking Dead?
I need a pooh!
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice: Live.
We are playing Shouting One Out,
where the celebrities
gossip in the stalls.
I will check if the sound-cancelling
headphones are working.
If they guess it correct,
the team will win a point.
Can you hear me?
You can't really!
You could hear me a little bit?
You look like Katy Perry, but a
council version! Turn it up!
Can you hear me? A little bit.
What am I saying now?
Cock.
You did not hear me.
Here's the first one.
This is from Twitter.
Cheryl is dating Liam Payne as
she likes him nibbling her ear
as they sit in her rose garden.
Pass it on.
Cheryl went to the Chinese
via the rose garden
to pick up serum for her hair.
What on earth? Do it again.
Quick!
Cheryl went to the Chinese
via the rose garden to pick
up something about hair serum.
I just heard the word hair
serum twice on live telly.
Cheryl went to the doctor's
for the fourth time
because she had a
problem with big hair.
Come on, Gino! In Sheffield...
..you take your pants down
and you do a wee-wee on the wall
with a big hat on your head.
Take them off.
Gino, what was the gossip?
In Sheffield, you do a
wee-wee on the wall.
She never mentioned Sheffield.
You are obsessed with Sheffield.
With a big hat on your head.
Incorrect.
Cheryl is dating Liam Payne because
she likes him nibbling her
ear while they are in the rose garden.
Next, it's Holly's team.
Let's talk to the audience.
Let's go to Rylan!
Look at his face!
Where did you get
your sweater from?
Is it Primark? New Look.
Where did you get
your hair dye from?
Go fuck yourself!
Let's test it. Ricky,
what can you predict?
I cannot hear you.
I cannot hear you.
I can't understand.
This is the gossip.
This is from Darren.
Laura Whitmore and Leonardo
DiCaprio were seen getting close.
He would like to sink
his ship in her water.
Playing football with
Leonardo DiCaprio
and did something in a big hut.
Did a shit in a big hut.
Playing football with
Leonardo DiCaprio, I went
and did a shit in a big hut.
Blake Lively and Leonardo
DiCaprio went with Eamonn Holmes
and did a big shit in a hole.
Schofield!
Please help me.
I think Gino D'Acampo has cheese
and ham stuck up his cheese hole.
Schofield, what was the gossip?
Please help me.
I think Gino D'Acampo has cheese
and ham stuck up his cheese hole.
It was Laura Whitmore and Leonardo
DiCaprio were seen getting close.
He said he would like to
sink his ship in her water.
The scores...
And that is what it looks like
when she takes her knickers off.
Are we going to an ad break?
What are we doing?
Do we have time for the tank?
Join us after the break when
I will be driving that tank
down Borehamwood High Street.
See you!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice live!
Hello. We're live!
I think we have the results
of the Rylan poll.
Can you hear me? Yes.
Are you happy?
Oh, Jesus, man, you are on telly!
You're out of order!
I have the results.
You will only be here for the
buzzer round, of course.
But it is a fun round. Will he
be on the panel or in the box?
Stop touching
yourself in the box.
58% of people at home
thought Rylan Clark Neal...
how many surnames has he got?
They said they will vote
for you at the NTAs,
unless Ant and Dec are
in that category.
But they have also said...
You have got to stay in the box.
It was not a voting process,
it was just people's opinion.
I have made the decision
and I have decided...
You have to stay in the box.
I am a fan of you, but I
am man of the people.
You are staying in the box.
Rylan? What? Do
not badmouth me.
You can come on the show next week!
On the panel. All right.
It's now time for our final
round, the buzzer round.
If you don't know the answer, be
a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Have a guess. Questions
from this week's news.
I had one but the wheel fell off.
Do you know what I am saying?
Holly, what's your buzzer? Holly live!
Fearne, what's your
Fearne live!
OK. First question. What
does this gorilla look like?
Nick Knowles. He does!
I pressed my buzzer.
I think he has a touch
of the Dickinsons.
Prawn cracker? Yeah.
He has hair like Joey Essex.
Lionel Richie. I
mean Lionel Blair.
Brilliant.
What did Joey Tribbiani from
Friends a leave outside the Houses
of Parliament this week?
He was doing some
smoking, wasn't it?
I like to bite your neck and
put pasta on it. Some smoking.
He left skid marks. Yes.
He was filming the new Top Gear.
You did not give me the
chance to explain.
Discrimination for his accent.
You are Italianist!
He is from Sheffield!
What did Ricky Wilson once say
he would do to become famous?
He would spend a
whole hour listening
I said I would wank off a tramp.
Was this before the Kaiser Chiefs?
Yes.
Surprise surprise!
That is the end of
the buzzer round.
What about me driving the tank?
We haven't got time?
Do we not get fined if I say we're
doing something and we're not?
Holly, how many tweets?
How many?
What about the tank?!
We ain't got time.
Tony, Tony, Tony, we've
run out of time.
Go back to Devon. We'll
do it next week instead.
Gino, we'll get in
the tank next week.
Tony, I will see you
at the Hippodrome.
Oh, Rylan!
Where is Rylan?
RYLAAAAAAN!
Get the fuck out of the box!
I fucking loved it!
Oh. What happens now?
Shall we lighten the
mood and lezz off?
That is a joke, though?
His teeth are all right.
Just a pair of teeth.
Rylan has died, but he loved
living life in the spotlight,
so he would have wanted to
go like that, on live TV.
Who has won the show?
Holly's team!
Let's dance!
Stayin' Alive
subtitles by Deluxe
Summat rude pops out?
It's a horrible idea. You do it
like that with Schofield every day.
Fearne and Gino will be doing it too!
Erm...
We're still talking about
the live show, right?
I hate these pre-recorded pre-title
sketches. They never work.
They always look pre-recorded.
They never look live.
They never look live, do they?
THIS isn't pre-recorded. THAT is
pre-recorded. We're live right now.
I'm not live now. I'm pre-recorded.
No, look up there in the corner.
It says 'live', which means
you're live on TV right now.
Oh, fuck, we're live!
Sorry. Sorry.
Shall we pull it out
so we run over?
Run the titles!
I'm Keith Lemon and
these are my titles.
Live, still got those bangers.
Live, Gino D'Acampo
with his tiny willy.
What is the best show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice live on telly.
It's going to go wrong as fuck.
We are live!
Hurrah! Yes! We're live! Wow!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice - we are
kicking it off with a live special.
This is so weird because I had
a dream about this a couple
of nights ago. On that dream,
Mariah Carey was a guest.
She got so excited her boobs
popped out and I went,
'Your boobs have popped out!'
And I didn't realise because
I was looking at boobs,
of course, I had a
straight willy.
What is the live word for that?
Erection!
I realised Mariah Carey would
never come on Celebrity Juice,
it's just a dream.
That's true! Let's find out
who is on Celebrity Juice.
So let's go and meet
our team captains.
First up - it's Holly Willoughbooby.
Thanks.
Oh, my God. Who let us be live?
Check out them milk trucks.
You are looking good. You look young.
Have you had your hair cut?
Yes, it's a bit shorter. I'd
let you fart in my mouth. Tha
Holly, who's on your team?
Ricky Wilson.
On my left, he is the king of live
TV, he is my partner in crime.
My best mate, it's Phillip Schofield.
Exactly.
Let's introduce our
second-team captain.
He's defied medical science
again by becoming a father.
It's Fearne Cotton.
♪ Yeah, yeah, dude looks like a lady!
♪ Thank you.
That is a lovely welcome back.
Is it good to be back?
I'm sorry, Fearne,
because we're live,
I'm going to have to hurry you.
You look fit. This is my first time
seeing your new look in person.
Do you like the beard? I can't
work out if it is like Keith
on a gap year or Keith
Lemon midlife crisis.
If they ever bring Worzel
Gummidge back, there he is.
Fearne, tell us who's on your team?
Gino D'Acampo.
Gino!
On my right, the Geordie Queen
of everything, it's Vicky Pa
When you are talking to a lady,
always look in the eyes.
Holly, to prove that we are totally
live, Holly, why don't you
take a selfie of your team and
post it on Twitter right now?
Or if you are American, Twittor.
She has got a lighty up thing!
Take a picture. People
ask for a selfie.
I am no good at these
sort of things.
'I am no good at pressing buttons.'
I am tweeting this right now.
Holly, if it gets
over 1,000 tweets,
you and Fearne at the end of the
show are going to French kiss.
That is not... No. I've
said it on live TV, so you
Otherwise we have to give Offcoff 30 quid.
It is sent. We are live.
We get to see them tonguing at
the end of the show. Is it done?
It is done. But that is not done.
I love you, but...
When you are in the dressing room
together, are you a tongue sucker?
Are you caressing each other's pink bits?
Do a game or something!
Fearne, properly, I just
want to say welcome back.
It is great to have you back.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Very kind. Can I ask you a
bit about the birth? Yes.
Did you have a sunroof or did they
just pull it out by its legs?
Neither. It... Honey,
the lovely little baby.
I thought you called
it something else.
It did come out of that doorway.
I had a water birth.
Can't the baby breathe? They
come from water into water.
But the water that is inside
of you is magic water.
Fanny water is magical
because it feeds them.
But the real water, 'Aaaaah'!
Yes, magical fanny water.
Because this is live TV,
we have got a crazy stunt.
Christopher Evans has got the
same colour hair as you.
On TFI Friday, they
do something crazy
like throw a Megadrive or SNES
or Atari out of the window.
I have got a stunt. It is
the Celebrity Juice tank.
I am going to drive that
down Borehamwood High Street
and go into an off licence
and buy cider and bread.
You can't do that.
Tony will drive it and I
will pretend to drive it
and he will be down there,
not doing anything.
Nice. What a combo. Have you
ever dipped bread in cider?
You can do that. Because we are live!
Stop talking, we are live!
Phillip Schofield in the hizzle!
There are two Jedis in TV.
You would be Ben Kenobi.
You have done more live telly than
I have stuck fingers in holes.
Have I done that much? Can
you give me some tips?
Don't swear.
Think about when you're
on This Morning.
The barrier that
you have on there.
I said, 'chocolate
starfish' to Ruth once.
Also on This Morning, you
have got Gino D'Acampo.
You were on there recently. You
went to Austria. Can you snowboard?
I can't. See!
I saw it. He can't.
Schofield, can you snowboard?
I can't. This is just going
into dodgy territory.
You are live on telly. You can't say Cu...
mberland sausage.
Ladies don't like that. I don't
have a Cumberland sausage.
You do, I think. You can't drink on TV?
Can you?
They like to drink, don't they?
At the NTAs. We got shitfaced!
We have got a picture of you the
morning after on This Morning.
Holly is farting in his face. It
was not funny. It was really bad.
Did you get to that stage
where you got really hungry?
Loose Women brought a cake
in and it was brilliant.
My friend works in CCTV.
He has given me some exclusive
footage of you too in a kebab shop.
Have a look at this.
There you are.
It is coming back now. Why
is Schofield being a wanker?
What are you doing that for? It was
a waste of food. There she is.
15 series I have been
going on about this.
Pissed on a fox.
Minutes that I lost. I
don't remember that.
Actors do that in films. I didn't
think people did that in real life.
What did it taste like, Phillip?
Chocolate starfish.
Wow! It's Vicky
Pattison in the hizzle!
Vicky, you started
on Geordie Shore
and now you are the
Queen of the Jungle.
There you are.
Apparently, you are not allowed
to take the staff home,
but I heard you did.
Which cavity did you put it in?
I didn't take the stick.
I'm saying I didn't take it.
This is gonna get old.
Did you already have your own show?
Judge Geordie?
I was a judge before
I was a queen.
Now you have got a real grown-up
job because you are a Loose Woman.
Weren't you already
one of those?
I think I was but it
wasn't a profession.
Things are going so well for you.
You have just moved to Essex.
I have. That is not in London.
It is still fucking miles away.
It is closer than Newcastle. You
posted a picture on Twitter.
You and your gash... Your gaff!
Did you forget to
bring your clothes?
That was just for you, that one.
Just like in the McDonald's ad,
I am loving it. Schofield?
We have made Phillip Schofield blush!
So you live in Essex.
If you are a burglar and you
want to know where she lives,
she is not at home.
She is here. So go
and rob her house.
Don't go to my house
because my mam is there
and she will kick the
shit out of you.
Rob Schofield's house. He has
got lots of nice things.
My house is safe. Do
you have a panic room?
No, your mum is in
my house right now.
Why, you mother-lover!
I actually can't say that,
but when you don't love someone
and you just fuck 'em.
You can't say that
word, can you?
Step-mum? I am going to sit
like this
You're not allowed step mum.
What about auntie.
Hey, it's Ricky Wilson!
Ricky, because we are live,
we are running out of time,
I have got to ask you some
quick-fire questions.
Is it true you own over
12,000 waistcoats? True.
Is it true this is the first
time you have ever been
on TV not wearing a waistcoat?
I have got one underneath.
Is it true you are always
snapped wearing waistcoats
because you actually work
part-time in a Travelodge?
Can you spell waistcoat?
W-A-I-S-T-C-O-A-T.
That is not the waistcoat
I was looking for.
We were thinking - what a
waste of coat that is.
That is not a point for your team.
What did you say?
We are live...
You can't say auntie-fucker. I said
it then, but don't say it again.
Grandmother?
Shut up!
Because we are live, we have got to
do something called interactive.
We are giving you a chance to get
involved with the show via Twitter.
Have a look at this. Outside, we
have got a box. A wooden box. Yes.
Inside that box is
none another than...
Rylan!
Why is he in the box?
Rylan is in the box
because he phoned me
and said he wanted
to be on the show.
Unfortunately, we had
already booked the guests,
so I said we can have him in a box
and we can ask people at home
via Twitter if they think you
should be on the panel or in a box.
So, if you are at home,
we want you to tweet...
..or...
To be honest, if it were up to me...
Keith, go fuck yourself.
Rylan, you are live on ITV2.
Please don't swear, don't
say fuck or bugger.
Rylan, everyone, in a box!
We thought long and hard
which round to start with.
We have gone with Don't
Show Keith Your Teeth.
I'm going to give
you a category.
You mustn't stutter
or repeat yourself.
What you mustn't do is feed
a Mogwai after midnight.
This is hard for
me at the moment.
Imagine if Rylan was
here on the panel.
We'd have the scaffolders in.
Because it's St Patrick's Day today,
the category is... Irish Things.
Starting with you, Ricky. I'm going
to start with Ricky Wilson. Bono.
What? Pot of gold.
Louis Walsh. Potato.
The catchphrase? Be-be-pum?
To be sure, to be sure.
Be-be-beeehh!
Ricky? B♪Witched.
Hold on. Vicky, you showed your teeth.
Did Vicky show her teeth?
Yes. Holly.
Irish... stew. D-d-d-dew?
Hesitation. You mustn't stutter.
Irish d-d-d-dew. He is worse
than Gareth Gates. D-d-d-d-d...
Shamrock.
Guinness. Bin men? Guinness.
Danny O'Donoghue.
Ireland.
What is more Irish than Ireland?
With Holly, they are
saying Ireland...
Holly, you are out. What?
I said Boyzone.
Ricky. Graham Norton.
What is that for?
I said Eamonn Holmes.
You've watching ITV2.
That's the end of the game.
Something not right
going on here.
Because Fearne's team had two
people left and Holly only had one,
the point goes to Fearne's team.
And the scores at the end
of that round are sha-ting!
We're still on!
What time have you got? He said
sha-ting, so it goes to the break.
Our poll for Rylan in the
box finishes at 10:45.
Rylan, you still there?
Have you got anything
to do in there,
or is it like being
in Big Brother?
Just having a wank.
We are going to a break. Do
you want to throw to a break?
You can all go fuck yourselves.
We should do Celebrity
Juice, live in Italy.
We are back! Welcome
to the live special.
Join us later on in the
show I'll be driving
the Celebrity Juice
tank down to the shops.
We all enjoy a good pooh.
When you do a nice
pooh, it is aah!
It is like having your ear syringed.
Let's play...
Dude That Movie Sounds Like My!
This is live!
It is like being at the theatre.
Say hello to your mother if
you want to be on telly.
This is weird.
Let me get through it, because we
are running over by four minutes.
Gino, in this game all you have to do
is describe your pooh via a movie.
Here's an example.
I did one which would've
been Hitchcock's the Birds.
A Flock Of Seagulls.
When you do one you
cannot control
and Gillian McKeith would
say she did not like it!
OK. Go! We're live!
Any Which Way But Loose.
Splash.
Rambo: First Blood!
Winnie The Pooh!
Look happy he is!
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Shitty Shitty! The Rock.
How many? How many?
I would have accepted
There Will Be Blood,
and The Thin Red Line
when you wipe too hard.
You got five! Gino D'Acampo!
Next up, it's Phillip Schofield.
I think we have to hold these
because it makes it harder.
It's hard to concentrate. Before we
start, Phil, I have something to do.
You know Ant and Dec when
they cut to someone's house?
We've found two of Celebrity
Juice's biggest fans.
Paul and Jenny,
our biggest fans.
That's the house.
Bring them back!
We cannot go back to them.
You have put a bed
sheet over the sofa.
Looked like your mum.
You dirty pig.
Gino was describing
his pooh with films.
I want you to
describe your willy.
Names of films you could
give your penis. Go!
Shaft.
Anaconda.
Gone In 60 Seconds.
The Color Purple.
Have you not got skin? Up!
Raging Bull!
Come on!
Titanic? Free Willy!
Titanic!
Big Daddy!
Deep Impact.
You could have had Tomb Raider,
Godzilla, King Kong.
Fifty Shades Of Grey!
Who said that? You...
Fuck off!
Lemon got Schofield
to swear live on air!
You got nine!
Next it is Holly Willoughboozy.
He did very well. I
can't do willies.
That was live pitter-patter. Are we
running over? We are running over.
We are going to go back to Jennie and
Paul to see if they have finished.
Have we got time? Can
we do a quick one?
You had to describe
your sweet fadge.
We are running over
by four minutes.
Over to Rylan for the scores.
Erm...
The scores at the end of
the round are... sha-ting!
Is that an ad break? Is it?
Before we do that,
give me one example
of how you would describe
your fadge as a film.
Hot Fuzz.
Big Momma's House. Walking Dead?
I need a pooh!
Welcome back to
Celebrity Juice: Live.
We are playing Shouting One Out,
where the celebrities
gossip in the stalls.
I will check if the sound-cancelling
headphones are working.
If they guess it correct,
the team will win a point.
Can you hear me?
You can't really!
You could hear me a little bit?
You look like Katy Perry, but a
council version! Turn it up!
Can you hear me? A little bit.
What am I saying now?
Cock.
You did not hear me.
Here's the first one.
This is from Twitter.
Cheryl is dating Liam Payne as
she likes him nibbling her ear
as they sit in her rose garden.
Pass it on.
Cheryl went to the Chinese
via the rose garden
to pick up serum for her hair.
What on earth? Do it again.
Quick!
Cheryl went to the Chinese
via the rose garden to pick
up something about hair serum.
I just heard the word hair
serum twice on live telly.
Cheryl went to the doctor's
for the fourth time
because she had a
problem with big hair.
Come on, Gino! In Sheffield...
..you take your pants down
and you do a wee-wee on the wall
with a big hat on your head.
Take them off.
Gino, what was the gossip?
In Sheffield, you do a
wee-wee on the wall.
She never mentioned Sheffield.
You are obsessed with Sheffield.
With a big hat on your head.
Incorrect.
Cheryl is dating Liam Payne because
she likes him nibbling her
ear while they are in the rose garden.
Next, it's Holly's team.
Let's talk to the audience.
Let's go to Rylan!
Look at his face!
Where did you get
your sweater from?
Is it Primark? New Look.
Where did you get
your hair dye from?
Go fuck yourself!
Let's test it. Ricky,
what can you predict?
I cannot hear you.
I cannot hear you.
I can't understand.
This is the gossip.
This is from Darren.
Laura Whitmore and Leonardo
DiCaprio were seen getting close.
He would like to sink
his ship in her water.
Playing football with
Leonardo DiCaprio
and did something in a big hut.
Did a shit in a big hut.
Playing football with
Leonardo DiCaprio, I went
and did a shit in a big hut.
Blake Lively and Leonardo
DiCaprio went with Eamonn Holmes
and did a big shit in a hole.
Schofield!
Please help me.
I think Gino D'Acampo has cheese
and ham stuck up his cheese hole.
Schofield, what was the gossip?
Please help me.
I think Gino D'Acampo has cheese
and ham stuck up his cheese hole.
It was Laura Whitmore and Leonardo
DiCaprio were seen getting close.
He said he would like to
sink his ship in her water.
The scores...
And that is what it looks like
when she takes her knickers off.
Are we going to an ad break?
What are we doing?
Do we have time for the tank?
Join us after the break when
I will be driving that tank
down Borehamwood High Street.
See you!
Welcome back to Celebrity Juice live!
Hello. We're live!
I think we have the results
of the Rylan poll.
Can you hear me? Yes.
Are you happy?
Oh, Jesus, man, you are on telly!
You're out of order!
I have the results.
You will only be here for the
buzzer round, of course.
But it is a fun round. Will he
be on the panel or in the box?
Stop touching
yourself in the box.
58% of people at home
thought Rylan Clark Neal...
how many surnames has he got?
They said they will vote
for you at the NTAs,
unless Ant and Dec are
in that category.
But they have also said...
You have got to stay in the box.
It was not a voting process,
it was just people's opinion.
I have made the decision
and I have decided...
You have to stay in the box.
I am a fan of you, but I
am man of the people.
You are staying in the box.
Rylan? What? Do
not badmouth me.
You can come on the show next week!
On the panel. All right.
It's now time for our final
round, the buzzer round.
If you don't know the answer, be
a chancer and buzz in anyway.
Have a guess. Questions
from this week's news.
I had one but the wheel fell off.
Do you know what I am saying?
Holly, what's your buzzer? Holly live!
Fearne, what's your
Fearne live!
OK. First question. What
does this gorilla look like?
Nick Knowles. He does!
I pressed my buzzer.
I think he has a touch
of the Dickinsons.
Prawn cracker? Yeah.
He has hair like Joey Essex.
Lionel Richie. I
mean Lionel Blair.
Brilliant.
What did Joey Tribbiani from
Friends a leave outside the Houses
of Parliament this week?
He was doing some
smoking, wasn't it?
I like to bite your neck and
put pasta on it. Some smoking.
He left skid marks. Yes.
He was filming the new Top Gear.
You did not give me the
chance to explain.
Discrimination for his accent.
You are Italianist!
He is from Sheffield!
What did Ricky Wilson once say
he would do to become famous?
He would spend a
whole hour listening
I said I would wank off a tramp.
Was this before the Kaiser Chiefs?
Yes.
Surprise surprise!
That is the end of
the buzzer round.
What about me driving the tank?
We haven't got time?
Do we not get fined if I say we're
doing something and we're not?
Holly, how many tweets?
How many?
What about the tank?!
We ain't got time.
Tony, Tony, Tony, we've
run out of time.
Go back to Devon. We'll
do it next week instead.
Gino, we'll get in
the tank next week.
Tony, I will see you
at the Hippodrome.
Oh, Rylan!
Where is Rylan?
RYLAAAAAAN!
Get the fuck out of the box!
I fucking loved it!
Oh. What happens now?
Shall we lighten the
mood and lezz off?
That is a joke, though?
His teeth are all right.
Just a pair of teeth.
Rylan has died, but he loved
living life in the spotlight,
so he would have wanted to
go like that, on live TV.
Who has won the show?
Holly's team!
Let's dance!
Stayin' Alive
subtitles by Deluxe