Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 15, Episode 1 - Celebrity Juice Live - full transcript
What's the worst thing that can happen?
Summat rude pops out?
It's a horrible idea. You do it
like that with Schofield every day.
Fearne and Gino will be doing it too!
Erm...
We're still talking about
the live show, right?
I hate these pre-recorded pre-title
sketches. They never work.
They always look pre-recorded.
They never look live.
They never look live, do they?
THIS isn't pre-recorded. THAT is
pre-recorded. We're live right now.
I'm not live now. I'm pre-recorded.
No, look up there in the corner.
It says 'live', which means
you're live on TV right now.
Oh, fuck, we're live!
Sorry. Sorry.
Shall we pull it out
so we run over?
Run the titles!
I'm Keith Lemon and
these are my titles.
Live, still got those bangers.
Live, Gino D'Acampo
with his tiny willy.
What is the best show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice live on telly.
It's going to go wrong as fuck.
We are live!
Hurrah! Yes! We're live! Wow!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice - we are
kicking it off with a live special.
This is so weird because I had
a dream about this a couple
of nights ago. On that dream,
Mariah Carey was a guest.
She got so excited her boobs
popped out and I went,
'Your boobs have popped out!'
And I didn't realise because
I was looking at boobs,
of course, I had a
straight willy.
What is the live word for that?
Erection!
I realised Mariah Carey would
never come on Celebrity Juice,
it's just a dream.
That's true! Let's find out
who is on Celebrity Juice.
So let's go and meet
our team captains.
First up - it's Holly Willoughbooby.
Thanks.
Oh, my God. Who let us be live?
Check out them milk trucks.
You are looking good. You look young.
Have you had your hair cut?
Yes, it's a bit shorter. I'd
let you fart in my mouth. Tha
Holly, who's on your team?
Ricky Wilson.
On my left, he is the king of live
TV, he is my partner in crime.
My best mate, it's Phillip Schofield.
Exactly.
Let's introduce our
second-team captain.
He's defied medical science
again by becoming a father.
It's Fearne Cotton.
♪ Yeah, yeah, dude looks like a lady!
♪ Thank you.
That is a lovely welcome back.
Is it good to be back?
I'm sorry, Fearne,
because we're live,
I'm going to have to hurry you.
You look fit. This is my first time
seeing your new look in person.
Do you like the beard? I can't
work out if it is like Keith
on a gap year or Keith
Lemon midlife crisis.
If they ever bring Worzel
Gummidge back, there he is.
Fearne, tell us who's on your team?
Gino D'Acampo.
Gino!
On my right, the Geordie Queen
of everything, it's Vicky Pa
When you are talking to a lady,
always look in the eyes.
Holly, to prove that we are totally
live, Holly, why don't you
take a selfie of your team and
post it on Twitter right now?
Or if you are American, Twittor.
She has got a lighty up thing!
Take a picture. People
ask for a selfie.
I am no good at these
sort of things.
'I am no good at pressing buttons.'
I am tweeting this right now.
Holly, if it gets
over 1,000 tweets,
you and Fearne at the end of the
show are going to French kiss.
That is not... No. I've
said it on live TV, so you
Otherwise we have to give Offcoff 30 quid.
It is sent. We are live.
We get to see them tonguing at
the end of the show. Is it done?
It is done. But that is not done.
I love you, but...
When you are in the dressing room
together, are you a tongue sucker?
Are you caressing each other's pink bits?
Do a game or something!
Fearne, properly, I just
want to say welcome back.
It is great to have you back.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Very kind. Can I ask you a
bit about the birth? Yes.
Did you have a sunroof or did they
just pull it out by its legs?
Neither. It... Honey,
the lovely little baby.
I thought you called
it something else.
It did come out of that doorway.
I had a water birth.
Can't the baby breathe? They
come from water into water.
But the water that is inside
of you is magic water.
Fanny water is magical
because it feeds them.
But the real water, 'Aaaaah'!
Yes, magical fanny water.
Because this is live TV,
we have got a crazy stunt.
Christopher Evans has got the
same colour hair as you.
On TFI Friday, they
do something crazy
like throw a Megadrive or SNES
or Atari out of the window.
I have got a stunt. It is
the Celebrity Juice tank.
I am going to drive that
down Borehamwood High Street
and go into an off licence
and buy cider and bread.
You can't do that.
Tony will drive it and I
will pretend to drive it
and he will be down there,
not doing anything.
Nice. What a combo. Have you
ever dipped bread in cider?
You can do that. Because we are live!
Stop talking, we are live!
Phillip Schofield in the hizzle!
There are two Jedis in TV.
You would be Ben Kenobi.
You have done more live telly than
I have stuck fingers in holes.
Have I done that much? Can
you give me some tips?
Don't swear.
Think about when you're
on This Morning.
The barrier that
you have on there.
I said, 'chocolate
starfish' to Ruth once.
Also on This Morning, you
have got Gino D'Acampo.
You were on there recently. You
went to Austria. Can you snowboard?
I can't. See!
I saw it. He can't.
Schofield, can you snowboard?
I can't. This is just going
into dodgy territory.
You are live on telly. You can't say Cu...
mberland sausage.
Ladies don't like that. I don't
have a Cumberland sausage.
You do, I think. You can't drink on TV?
Can you?
They like to drink, don't they?
At the NTAs. We got shitfaced!
We have got a picture of you the
morning after on This Morning.
Holly is farting in his face. It
was not funny. It was really bad.
Did you get to that stage
where you got really hungry?
Loose Women brought a cake
in and it was brilliant.
My friend works in CCTV.
He has given me some exclusive
footage of you too in a kebab shop.
Have a look at this.
There you are.
It is coming back now. Why
is Schofield being a wanker?
What are you doing that for? It was
a waste of food. There she is.
15 series I have been
going on about this.
Pissed on a fox.
Minutes that I lost. I
don't remember that.
Actors do that in films. I didn't
think people did that in real life.
What did it taste like, Phillip?
Chocolate starfish.
Wow! It's Vicky
Pattison in the hizzle!
Vicky, you started
on Geordie Shore
and now you are the
Queen of the Jungle.
There you are.
Apparently, you are not allowed
to take the staff home,
but I heard you did.
Which cavity did you put it in?
I didn't take the stick.
I'm saying I didn't take it.
This is gonna get old.
Did you already have your own show?
Judge Geordie?
I was a judge before
I was a queen.
Now you have got a real grown-up
job because you are a Loose Woman.
Weren't you already
one of those?
I think I was but it
wasn't a profession.
Things are going so well for you.
You have just moved to Essex.
I have. That is not in London.
It is still fucking miles away.
It is closer than Newcastle. You
posted a picture on Twitter.
You and your gash... Your gaff!
Did you forget to
bring your clothes?
That was just for you, that one.
Just like in the McDonald's ad,
I am loving it. Schofield?
We have made Phillip Schofield blush!
So you live in Essex.<
If you are a burglar and you
want to know where she lives,
she is not at home.
She is here. So go
and rob her house.
Don't go to my house
because my mam is there
and she will kick the
shit out of you.
Rob Schofield's house. He has
got lots of nice things.
My house is safe. Do
you have a panic room?
No, your mum is in
my house right now.
Why, you mother-lover!
I actually can't say that,
but when you don't love someone
and you just fuck 'em.
You can't say that
word, can you?
Step-mum? I am going to sit
like this
Summat rude pops out?
It's a horrible idea. You do it
like that with Schofield every day.
Fearne and Gino will be doing it too!
Erm...
We're still talking about
the live show, right?
I hate these pre-recorded pre-title
sketches. They never work.
They always look pre-recorded.
They never look live.
They never look live, do they?
THIS isn't pre-recorded. THAT is
pre-recorded. We're live right now.
I'm not live now. I'm pre-recorded.
No, look up there in the corner.
It says 'live', which means
you're live on TV right now.
Oh, fuck, we're live!
Sorry. Sorry.
Shall we pull it out
so we run over?
Run the titles!
I'm Keith Lemon and
these are my titles.
Live, still got those bangers.
Live, Gino D'Acampo
with his tiny willy.
What is the best show on telly?
It's Celebrity Juice live on telly.
It's going to go wrong as fuck.
We are live!
Hurrah! Yes! We're live! Wow!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice - we are
kicking it off with a live special.
This is so weird because I had
a dream about this a couple
of nights ago. On that dream,
Mariah Carey was a guest.
She got so excited her boobs
popped out and I went,
'Your boobs have popped out!'
And I didn't realise because
I was looking at boobs,
of course, I had a
straight willy.
What is the live word for that?
Erection!
I realised Mariah Carey would
never come on Celebrity Juice,
it's just a dream.
That's true! Let's find out
who is on Celebrity Juice.
So let's go and meet
our team captains.
First up - it's Holly Willoughbooby.
Thanks.
Oh, my God. Who let us be live?
Check out them milk trucks.
You are looking good. You look young.
Have you had your hair cut?
Yes, it's a bit shorter. I'd
let you fart in my mouth. Tha
Holly, who's on your team?
Ricky Wilson.
On my left, he is the king of live
TV, he is my partner in crime.
My best mate, it's Phillip Schofield.
Exactly.
Let's introduce our
second-team captain.
He's defied medical science
again by becoming a father.
It's Fearne Cotton.
♪ Yeah, yeah, dude looks like a lady!
♪ Thank you.
That is a lovely welcome back.
Is it good to be back?
I'm sorry, Fearne,
because we're live,
I'm going to have to hurry you.
You look fit. This is my first time
seeing your new look in person.
Do you like the beard? I can't
work out if it is like Keith
on a gap year or Keith
Lemon midlife crisis.
If they ever bring Worzel
Gummidge back, there he is.
Fearne, tell us who's on your team?
Gino D'Acampo.
Gino!
On my right, the Geordie Queen
of everything, it's Vicky Pa
When you are talking to a lady,
always look in the eyes.
Holly, to prove that we are totally
live, Holly, why don't you
take a selfie of your team and
post it on Twitter right now?
Or if you are American, Twittor.
She has got a lighty up thing!
Take a picture. People
ask for a selfie.
I am no good at these
sort of things.
'I am no good at pressing buttons.'
I am tweeting this right now.
Holly, if it gets
over 1,000 tweets,
you and Fearne at the end of the
show are going to French kiss.
That is not... No. I've
said it on live TV, so you
Otherwise we have to give Offcoff 30 quid.
It is sent. We are live.
We get to see them tonguing at
the end of the show. Is it done?
It is done. But that is not done.
I love you, but...
When you are in the dressing room
together, are you a tongue sucker?
Are you caressing each other's pink bits?
Do a game or something!
Fearne, properly, I just
want to say welcome back.
It is great to have you back.
Congratulations. Thank you.
Very kind. Can I ask you a
bit about the birth? Yes.
Did you have a sunroof or did they
just pull it out by its legs?
Neither. It... Honey,
the lovely little baby.
I thought you called
it something else.
It did come out of that doorway.
I had a water birth.
Can't the baby breathe? They
come from water into water.
But the water that is inside
of you is magic water.
Fanny water is magical
because it feeds them.
But the real water, 'Aaaaah'!
Yes, magical fanny water.
Because this is live TV,
we have got a crazy stunt.
Christopher Evans has got the
same colour hair as you.
On TFI Friday, they
do something crazy
like throw a Megadrive or SNES
or Atari out of the window.
I have got a stunt. It is
the Celebrity Juice tank.
I am going to drive that
down Borehamwood High Street
and go into an off licence
and buy cider and bread.
You can't do that.
Tony will drive it and I
will pretend to drive it
and he will be down there,
not doing anything.
Nice. What a combo. Have you
ever dipped bread in cider?
You can do that. Because we are live!
Stop talking, we are live!
Phillip Schofield in the hizzle!
There are two Jedis in TV.
You would be Ben Kenobi.
You have done more live telly than
I have stuck fingers in holes.
Have I done that much? Can
you give me some tips?
Don't swear.
Think about when you're
on This Morning.
The barrier that
you have on there.
I said, 'chocolate
starfish' to Ruth once.
Also on This Morning, you
have got Gino D'Acampo.
You were on there recently. You
went to Austria. Can you snowboard?
I can't. See!
I saw it. He can't.
Schofield, can you snowboard?
I can't. This is just going
into dodgy territory.
You are live on telly. You can't say Cu...
mberland sausage.
Ladies don't like that. I don't
have a Cumberland sausage.
You do, I think. You can't drink on TV?
Can you?
They like to drink, don't they?
At the NTAs. We got shitfaced!
We have got a picture of you the
morning after on This Morning.
Holly is farting in his face. It
was not funny. It was really bad.
Did you get to that stage
where you got really hungry?
Loose Women brought a cake
in and it was brilliant.
My friend works in CCTV.
He has given me some exclusive
footage of you too in a kebab shop.
Have a look at this.
There you are.
It is coming back now. Why
is Schofield being a wanker?
What are you doing that for? It was
a waste of food. There she is.
15 series I have been
going on about this.
Pissed on a fox.
Minutes that I lost. I
don't remember that.
Actors do that in films. I didn't
think people did that in real life.
What did it taste like, Phillip?
Chocolate starfish.
Wow! It's Vicky
Pattison in the hizzle!
Vicky, you started
on Geordie Shore
and now you are the
Queen of the Jungle.
There you are.
Apparently, you are not allowed
to take the staff home,
but I heard you did.
Which cavity did you put it in?
I didn't take the stick.
I'm saying I didn't take it.
This is gonna get old.
Did you already have your own show?
Judge Geordie?
I was a judge before
I was a queen.
Now you have got a real grown-up
job because you are a Loose Woman.
Weren't you already
one of those?
I think I was but it
wasn't a profession.
Things are going so well for you.
You have just moved to Essex.
I have. That is not in London.
It is still fucking miles away.
It is closer than Newcastle. You
posted a picture on Twitter.
You and your gash... Your gaff!
Did you forget to
bring your clothes?
That was just for you, that one.
Just like in the McDonald's ad,
I am loving it. Schofield?
We have made Phillip Schofield blush!
So you live in Essex.<
If you are a burglar and you
want to know where she lives,
she is not at home.
She is here. So go
and rob her house.
Don't go to my house
because my mam is there
and she will kick the
shit out of you.
Rob Schofield's house. He has
got lots of nice things.
My house is safe. Do
you have a panic room?
No, your mum is in
my house right now.
Why, you mother-lover!
I actually can't say that,
but when you don't love someone
and you just fuck 'em.
You can't say that
word, can you?
Step-mum? I am going to sit
like this