Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 9 - Episode #14.9 - full transcript
Hi, I'm Jerry Springer,
and you know,
when I was asked to be
on Celebrity Juice, I figured,
"What the hell,
I've done stupid shows before."
In fact,
I've made a whole career of it.
I'm happy to do this and you know,
thanks for watching here.
May you never be on my show.
Take care of yourself and each
other.
What are you doing? I always do
a final thought, so I thought...
Yeah, on your show, this is my show.
I don't see your name here,
what do you mean, it's your show?
I've always said,
"Why is my name not on top?"
You wonder why they don't
put your name with the show?
You ought to talk to your agent,
because frankly... Roll titles.
I say that, as well.
Roll titles. You said it very well.
I'm Keith Lemon
and these are my sweet-ass titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out
of a giant clam,
check out them bangers, boy.
There's Gino D'Acampo who is
covering for Fearne
while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead,
it's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great the show is.
We're still here to make the best
telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it's
Celebrity Juice.
On telly. HD ready.
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah!
Boom!
Hoorah!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice,
let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy!
Hello. Thank you very much.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right,
I have actually known him
since he was 10 years old, he's a
bit gorgeous now, it's Nathan Sykes.
On my left, he's a bit of a legend,
it's Jerry Springer!
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Holly, Jerry is not as young
as he used to be,
you're going to give him a heart
attack with those tits hanging out.
All right, Jerry?
(HIGH VOICE) I'm OK.
Let's see how our other team captain
handles his intro
as I introduce him,
it's Gino D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left,
is the ultimate ninja warrior, it is
football legend Chris Kamara.
Kammy, Kammy, Kammy!
(AUDIENCE JOIN IN)
Ask me what I would do to this lady
on the right.
Would I finger blast her?
You are right, you are right.
It is Jessica Wright.
She is shy.
I'm not surprised she is shy,
you've just told her you'd finger
blast her, you hardly know her.
Mark's a bit shy, isn't he?
A little bit, yeah.
Pffft. Everyone gets a bit fruity
now and again.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Jerry, you're often called a TV
legend, yes? No.
You are, you are a TV legend.
Because The Jerry Springer Show has
been going for 25 years.
Yeah, and I apologise.
I learned sex education from the
Jerry Springer show. Really?
We are responsible for you?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
I have got a list here of some
of the subjects you've covered.
The man who said he was possessed
by a gay demon.
Was his name Rylan? Oh, Rylan.
No, I have no idea,
if I knew what the show was about,
I wouldn't come in.
There was a man who married a horse.
That I remember.
We've got a picture of them.
(LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
Chris, you dirty bastard.
I was on The Jerry Springer Show, I
have to be honest with you.
And you married a horse?
The horse left him.
We did a follow-up show,
the horse left him,
he said you were hung like a man.
(LAUGHS) Hey, it is Chris Camera!
Am I pronouncing that right? Camera?
Camera is fine.
It is spelt with a K.
Yeah. It's pronounced "Camera."
Camera is fine, for you.<
That's not really the correct
pronunciation, though, is it?
Thank you, Holly.
How do you say it?
Kamara.
Yeah, but you're posh.
(POSH VOICE) Pass me the "kamara",
take a photograph of my child.
But that's his name.
Because of your name, Camera,
we thought it would be good to fit
you with your very own Chris Camera.
So we can experience what you're
experiencing. Smile.
If you're watching at home...
You are on candid camera.
I am on Chris Camera.
This is what he's experiencing.
Technology is amazing.
Go and have a look at Holly,
see what she's got to say.
Say hello, Holly.
Wow.
Sit down, you fucking loony.
Throughout the show tonight, we'll be
cutting back to Chris's camera to
see how he is coping with Celebrity
Juice, what's he experiencing.
On Twitter, I think we're going
to put extra stuff,
so when he goes for a piss or a poo,
that will be on there too.
Chris, you used to be a footballer,
but nowadays you're known as a TV
presenter. You do Ninja Warrior.
I do. Tell us about Ninja Warrior,
if we've not seen it.
It's an obstacle course
and it's the hardest obstacle course
in the world. It's very fast paced,
isn't it? It is.
and you know,
when I was asked to be
on Celebrity Juice, I figured,
"What the hell,
I've done stupid shows before."
In fact,
I've made a whole career of it.
I'm happy to do this and you know,
thanks for watching here.
May you never be on my show.
Take care of yourself and each
other.
What are you doing? I always do
a final thought, so I thought...
Yeah, on your show, this is my show.
I don't see your name here,
what do you mean, it's your show?
I've always said,
"Why is my name not on top?"
You wonder why they don't
put your name with the show?
You ought to talk to your agent,
because frankly... Roll titles.
I say that, as well.
Roll titles. You said it very well.
I'm Keith Lemon
and these are my sweet-ass titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out
of a giant clam,
check out them bangers, boy.
There's Gino D'Acampo who is
covering for Fearne
while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead,
it's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great the show is.
We're still here to make the best
telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it's
Celebrity Juice.
On telly. HD ready.
(APPLAUSE)
Yeah!
Boom!
Hoorah!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice,
let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoughboozy!
Hello. Thank you very much.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right,
I have actually known him
since he was 10 years old, he's a
bit gorgeous now, it's Nathan Sykes.
On my left, he's a bit of a legend,
it's Jerry Springer!
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Holly, Jerry is not as young
as he used to be,
you're going to give him a heart
attack with those tits hanging out.
All right, Jerry?
(HIGH VOICE) I'm OK.
Let's see how our other team captain
handles his intro
as I introduce him,
it's Gino D'Acampo.
(APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE: Gino, Gino, Gino!
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left,
is the ultimate ninja warrior, it is
football legend Chris Kamara.
Kammy, Kammy, Kammy!
(AUDIENCE JOIN IN)
Ask me what I would do to this lady
on the right.
Would I finger blast her?
You are right, you are right.
It is Jessica Wright.
She is shy.
I'm not surprised she is shy,
you've just told her you'd finger
blast her, you hardly know her.
Mark's a bit shy, isn't he?
A little bit, yeah.
Pffft. Everyone gets a bit fruity
now and again.
Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry!
Jerry, you're often called a TV
legend, yes? No.
You are, you are a TV legend.
Because The Jerry Springer Show has
been going for 25 years.
Yeah, and I apologise.
I learned sex education from the
Jerry Springer show. Really?
We are responsible for you?
Yes. (LAUGHS)
I have got a list here of some
of the subjects you've covered.
The man who said he was possessed
by a gay demon.
Was his name Rylan? Oh, Rylan.
No, I have no idea,
if I knew what the show was about,
I wouldn't come in.
There was a man who married a horse.
That I remember.
We've got a picture of them.
(LAUGHS)
(APPLAUSE)
Chris, you dirty bastard.
I was on The Jerry Springer Show, I
have to be honest with you.
And you married a horse?
The horse left him.
We did a follow-up show,
the horse left him,
he said you were hung like a man.
(LAUGHS) Hey, it is Chris Camera!
Am I pronouncing that right? Camera?
Camera is fine.
It is spelt with a K.
Yeah. It's pronounced "Camera."
Camera is fine, for you.<
That's not really the correct
pronunciation, though, is it?
Thank you, Holly.
How do you say it?
Kamara.
Yeah, but you're posh.
(POSH VOICE) Pass me the "kamara",
take a photograph of my child.
But that's his name.
Because of your name, Camera,
we thought it would be good to fit
you with your very own Chris Camera.
So we can experience what you're
experiencing. Smile.
If you're watching at home...
You are on candid camera.
I am on Chris Camera.
This is what he's experiencing.
Technology is amazing.
Go and have a look at Holly,
see what she's got to say.
Say hello, Holly.
Wow.
Sit down, you fucking loony.
Throughout the show tonight, we'll be
cutting back to Chris's camera to
see how he is coping with Celebrity
Juice, what's he experiencing.
On Twitter, I think we're going
to put extra stuff,
so when he goes for a piss or a poo,
that will be on there too.
Chris, you used to be a footballer,
but nowadays you're known as a TV
presenter. You do Ninja Warrior.
I do. Tell us about Ninja Warrior,
if we've not seen it.
It's an obstacle course
and it's the hardest obstacle course
in the world. It's very fast paced,
isn't it? It is.