Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 8 - Halloween Special - full transcript
(AS DRACULA) My name is Dracula,
these are the Halloween titles.
There's Holly Willough-booby -
I want to bite her neck.
There is Gino D'Acampo -
his accent is worse than mine.
We're all here in this spooky place
but don't worry, we're not dead -
apart from me.
We are still here
to make the best show on telly.
What is that show on telly?
You know what it is.
It's Celebrity Juice!
(EVIL LAUGH)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# (EDWARD SCISSORHANDS THEME)
(LAUGHTER)
Hello!
How do. I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to a special Halloween
special Celebrity Juice special!
(CHEERING)
Without further ado,
let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willough-booby.
(CHEERING)
Wow.
It's a bit scary, isn't it?
What's weird is,
you still look really fit,
but really fucked.
(LAUGHTER)
What are you?
What do you think I am?
I have a big prop down here,
if you haven't guessed.
A big what? Oh, a prop!
Mary Berry.
No!
Would you like to come
to my tea party?
John Leslie!
(LAUGHTER)
No...
I'm Alice in fucking Wonderland.
(APPLAUSE)
Holly, who's on your team?
Well, on my right
I have half
of the hottest girl band around,
it's Jade and Perrie
from Little Mix!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my left, I have US singing
sensation Adam Lambert!
Hi!
(CHEERING)
That is a talented team.
What are you doing?
(LAUGHTER)
I can't bloody do anything.
(LAUGHTER)
How are you going to hold
your cards?
Let's meet our other team captain -
it's Gino D'Acampo!
(CHANTING)
Gino! Gino!
Thank you. Thank you.
Gino, I'm sweating like fuck.
I wish I had a press-on towel
cos I've got ball soup right now.
(LAUGHTER)
What have you come as?
What you mean,
what have I come as?
I got the mask, I got the sword -
Zorro.
Zorro, famous Halloween character?
(LAUGHTER)
Zorro's not sort of Halloween, is he?
And Alisha, Wonder Woman there.
What is my name?
What did you say?
I said Alisha, Wonder Woman.
Alisha, Wonder Woman?
(LAUGHTER)
What was her name again?
Alice in Wonderland.
Eh, potato, potahto.
(LAUGHTER)
Alice in Wonderland.
Gino...
Gino, who's on your team?
On my left,
I have the other half
of Little Minge -
(AUDIENCE HOWLS)
- it's Jesy and Leigh-Anne!
(CHEERING)
And on my right, I have my favourite
comedian ever - it's Johnny Vegas!
(CHEERING)
Little Minge?
Little... Little Mix.
Eh, Little Minge, Little Mix...
(LAUGHTER)
It's fine.
Well, for this Halloween special
I've come as Edward Scissorhands.
Let's have a split screen of me.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'll tell you, it's...
I feel good, but it's difficult
going to the toilet.
It's a good job I am circumcised,
cos I'd have done it again.
I caught the end.
So I might have to take these off.
It's good for cutting people's hair.
I gave Holly's bush a trim earlier.
I think we've got a bit
of footage of that.
(LAUGHTER)
# ABC, easy as 123... #
What did you trim it into?
Just the line. The little Brazil.
Cos remember
in the movie he made a tree,
animals and things.
I was gonna make a swan
but I thought it'd look weird,
like Bjork.
(LAUGHTER)
Johnny, what are you dressed as?
Pugsley.
Who the fuck is Pugsley?
It's er...Addams family.
(CHEERING)
Have we got a picture?
(LAUGHTER)
It was my nickname at school.
Was it?
Yeah! And I only said it as a joke.
And the wardrobe department
took it serious!
I turned up and someone fucking drew
on my forehead with a magic marker.
And I'm sat next to this fucker...
(LAUGHTER)
Mr Who Likes To Get Laid At 6th Form
Parties - that isn't an outfit!
It's not Halloween.
You just want to get your cock away.
(LAUGHTER)
As you made such an effort,
I got a photobooth
to get this memory as a picture.
Go in the photobooth? Yeah.
The biggest smile,
I'll give you a point for your team.
Biggest smile?
Yeah, smile,
like you're enjoying Halloween.
Happy holidays!
All together?
Just one at a time.
Right. Nice picture, Holly, yeah?
OK.
Try and smile.
Are you taking it?
Three bleeps, Holly,
and then he'll take it. What, now?
What do you mean?
Smile!
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, God, my heart.
Let's have a look,
see if you're smiling.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Jesy and Leigh-Anne,
let's see if you can smile.
(CHEERING)
We've had a few, so bear with us.
Remember, big smile!
Just perch here.
It looks like you've taken
the Mitchell brothers in with you.
(LAUGHTER)
Oi, that's rude!
Gino's smiling.
(BLEEP - BLEEP)
Smile!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Oh, my God.
Let's have a look at you smiling.
Oh, that's not bad.
That's quite cute.
"Ah, Halloween!"
Jesy, since we last saw you,
you've had some good news.
I have. I'm pregnant.
(CHEERING)
I'm just kidding, I'm not really.
You got engaged.
Of course I did.
Engaged!
(CHEERING)
Woo!
There you are.
Ed just came out,
and I thought we'd finished,
and he started singing my song
and then I knew.
I feel like such a twat,
talking like this.
(LAUGHTER)
Perrie and Jade, you want a picture?
Come on, get a picture,
it's Halloween, get into the spirit!
(CHEERING)
I'm scared now. Right.
You go first, go on.
I don't like this.
Perrie, I need the toilet,
I'll wet myself.
(LAUGHTER)
Pose for your team, biggest smile.
I don't like this.
I can't get in!
I don't like them dangling
in my hair.
Nice big smile.
Jade, you look like
you've shit your pants - smile!
I'm scared.
(BLEEP BLEEP)
Smile!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Let's have a look at your smile.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll go in.
I'm not scared of no ghosts.
(APPLAUSE)
Here goes. I'm - I'm ready.
(BLEEP BLEEP)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Little Mix!
(CHEERING)
I have to say, black magic
fucking rules.
(CHEERING)
You have a new album out.
It is called "Get Weird
Like Johnny Vegas."
(LAUGHTER)
It's a bonus track.
It's just me, talking.
What is the message?
Basically,
find your inner weirdness.
Like, stick a twig up your arse?
And make owl noises?
"Woo, toowhoo"?
No rules.
Everyone has a inner weirdness.
What is the weirdest thing
you've done?
Jade.
When we're on a night out,
and a lad comes over
that I don't like,
I do this dance,
and they usually go away.
(CHEERING)
Jade, I'll be the guy.
(CACKLES)
# (DANCE MUSIC)
Howay, how's it goin', like?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Adam Lambert, everyone!
(CHEERING)
Adam, you are
a singing superstar from America.
(DISTORTED SOUTHERN ACCENT)
How's it goin'?
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
He sounds like Yogi Bear.
Yeah.
You can make fun of me
when I speak with a British accent.
Can you do a British accent?
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Well, it's not very good.
(LAUGHTER)
That is quite good!
It is!
(STRANGLED)
Especially with fangs in.
Janet Street-Porter!
(LAUGHTER)
Little Mix, you've been
in America a lot.
Can you do an American accent?
Um, I can do kinda...
(STUMBLES)
"Ah don't care if it's doin' 'em,
I like to see it going in."
(LAUGHTER)
(SOUTHERN US ACCENT)
I can do a better accent than you,
Just sayin'.
(EATING WOOL)
"Ah like to see it goin' in you!"
"Don't you talk to me like thayat!"
"You don't know me! OK?"
"Ah dream of you, pretty lady!"
"Better erase those dreams
from your memory."
(WAILS)
"Don't want that shit in the house!"
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I'm spent.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you do a US accent, Johnny?
Can I fuck.
You hit your career on American Idol.
Mm.
We've got a picture of you.
What did you come, then?
Second place.
Who won that year?
Um, a guy named Chris.
Never heard of him.
(LAUGHTER)
Just Chris?
Chris Allen.
Did it work out for him
or did he disappear?
He is still playing and doing
his thing.
But he ain't over here.
(LAUGHTER)
You are also touring with the Queen.
What's she like?
(LAUGHTER)
It's not really the Queen,
it is the band Queen.
It is so much fun.
There you are.
Was it incredible?
They're amazing. Brian and Roger
are very young at heart.
Is it true that he is 36% sheep?
(LAUGHTER)
He gets so much shit
for his hair, and it's so wonderful.
It's like Holly's minge
in 20 years.
(LAUGHTER)
What a nice thought.
Do you pull scared faces
when you're scared?
I don't get scared that easily.
Let's see.
Yargh! Agh!
(LAUGHTER)
He's not scared, he's dead!
That was my good ear!
Let's play a Halloween game
we play in my house.
Let's see if you can detect
some scared faces.
Gino's team, you're going first.
Tell me if this person
is Scared Stiff or Scared Stiffy.
Oh. I don't know anyone that makes
that face when they're scared.
Is it the doctor from EastEnders?
Scared stiff or scared stiffy?
Scared stiff.
Let's have a look. That's correct.
(APPLAUSE)
Well done.
Scared of injections.
Holly? Scared Stiff
or Scared Stiffy?
What if he is scared of the stiffy?
(LAUGHTER)
I'd say scared.
I think he is too.
Let's have a look.
ALL: Ooh!
He's scared cos his penis has turned
into a graphic.
Gino. Scared Stiff or Scared Stiffy?
Oh. 100% Stiffy.
(LAUGHTER)
How do you know?
He's grinding his teeth.
No! Holly's team.
What do you think?
People do that in their sleep.
It doesn't mean -
(LAUGHTER)
Let's say Stiffy.
Let's have a look.
No!
Scared of flying.
I knew he wasn't.
Oh, man.
Holly's team.
Come on, team.
Oh.
Oh! What do you think?
She's painted like a porn star,
to me.
She might be enjoying it.
I mean, really.
Usually your eyes are open
if you're scared.
"Ah..."
All right, good point.
What do you think, Stiffy or Stiff?
Stiffy, I think.
Stiffy.
I think so, yeah.
Adam, do your stiffy face.
(LAUGHTER)
Ha ha ha!
Scared stiffy.
Let's have a look.
Oh, wow. That's
Scared Stiff AND Scared Stiffy.
I'd be scared
if he tried to go up my backside.
She's vomiting a laser.
(LAUGHTER)
Scared Stiff or Stiffy?
Oh. That's hard.
That's definitely Stiffy.
You think? Why?
Just look at the mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
Looks like a blow job mouth to me.
(LAUGHTER)
We say Stiffy.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, it's a Stiffy.
She looks a bit scared
but Gino's behind her there.
I knew that would be.
Yeah, I could tell.
That is not me!
It is you. That is not me.
Gino looks like a magnetic flannel.
(LAUGHTER)
The scores are...
(CHEERING)
I'm going to flannel my balls down.
See you after t'break.
Coming up after t'break -
I just heard Perrie say,
"Fookin' 'ell!"
Cheater! Cheater!
Yeah, I've seen you.
Actually you're the cheater.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Hello!
(CHEERING)
Welcome back
to the Halloween special.
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
Holly, last time we did a Halloween
special, you weren't here. No.
We were talking about ghosts,
and you're a bit scared. Yes!
And we were talking
about this studio,
which is haunted.
Shut up. It is.
A cameraman got electrocuted.
Oh, don't say things like that.
He just plugged the wrong thing in,
and blew up. Just shoes left.
(LAUGHTER)
He haunts this very studio.
Why are you telling me this now?
Cos it's Halloween. Ghost stories!
If we have any ghost stories,
I refuse to do the interview.
You know why you're afraid?
Cos you sense them.
They smell fear, don't they? What's
your fear smell of? Sugar Puffs.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, they say
you should be careful when you yawn.
Why? A ghost
can put his dick in your mouth.
Really?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Do ghost have really big dicks?
Yeah.
(YAWNS)
(LAUGHTER)
Every time I fart,
am I performing an exorcism?
(LAUGHTER)
Alan, you've got a new single,
Another Lonely Night.
What's the message?
(LAUGHTER)
"Come over." It's like,
"Will somebody come over? I'm sad."
That's the peripherals of the song.
But what is the message?
The message is, you're not alone.
We're all lonely.
That's peripherals yet again.
What is the message?
(LAUGHTER)
In the album, "No, I don't
give a fuck if the sun comes up,
Yeah, it's just another..."
You swear in your song. Yeah.
Can't play that.
Not on this show.
(LAUGHTER)
It doesn't even rhyme, though.
(LAUGHTER)
But, lonely nights?
Yeah, they we go back to the chorus.
How do you get away
with writing a song about loneliness
when you can afford so many hookers?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Now a VT round. What's VT stand for?
Sounds like something transmitted.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes! It's video tape!
(CHEERING)
Last holiday
I got stuck on an island.
Luckily we got saved by
a man in a hot air balloon.
He gave us a potion which reversed
the process and made us good.
Then we went on a private jet
disco holiday,
and went through another Bermuda
Triangle in the sky,
with Benjamin Button
and the celebrities again.
Luckily I was off
having another shit in the toilet.
We had to make an emergency landing
and landed on the exact same island
as before!
(GLOOMILY)
# Oh, I want to dance with somebody
# I want to feel the heat
with somebody...
♪ I'm the ghost of Whitney Houston ♪
Was that too soon to say Whitney
Houston? Has enough time passed?
Hi. I'm not the ghost of Whitney
Houston. It's me, Keith Lemon.
I'm in a graveyard
with some other ghosts.
We're about to play the game
Where's Holly?
We've done Where's Holly.
OK. I'm going to ask
our Benjamin Button celebrities
to reveal themselves. Who's this?
Gino D'Acampo.
I can obviously tell
by his northern voice.
Who's this?
Ed Sheeran.
Who's this?
Taylor Swift.
Who's this?
Nicki Minaj.
And who's this?
Holly Willoughby.
(LAUGHTER)
We're going to go around.
You have to tell me where Holly is.
Are you ready? Woo-hah!
# GHOSTBUSTERS
# Who you gonna call?
# Ghostbusters!
# There's something weird
And it don't look good
# Who you gonna call?
# Ghostbusters!
(ECHOING)
Where's Willoughby?
I think I just heard Perrie say
"fookin' 'ell!"
You're the cheater.
Cheater! Cheater!
Actually, you're are the cheater,
aren't you?
Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
Holly's team. What have you written?
We are going for number 1.
Gino's team?
We are going for...
number 1.
(SHOUTING)
I wrote 15. I didn't
understand the game.
(LAUGHTER)
Whatever!
How many time he turns around,
I wrote 15. I didn't understand.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's find out.
Can you guess where Willoughby is?
Reveal yourself.
You're here!
(CHEERING)
Nice, innit, in the graveyard?
Holly loves graveyards.
Good job there aren't any foxes
in here.
Do you want to say back to t'studio?
Back to the studio.
Isn't she a brilliant presenter?
(WOLF HOWLS)
(APPLAUSE)
No one gets a point.
The scores
at the end of the round
are shitting...!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'll see you after t'break.
Coming up after the break:
here's Blair Witch
and Mark Wright combined.
(LAUGHTER)
(WOLF HOWLS)
Shh!
Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice
Halloween special.
I'm in a secret celebrity
dogging location,
known to only a few
celebrity dogging friends.
I won't say who,
cos I don't want to embarrass them
but we're playing Celebrity Dogging.
Let's see who's in here.
Hey, it's Holly.
Hi! And Leigh-Anne from Little Mix!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
I've come to do
celebrity dogging.
Why is it called dogging? Cos you
look like you're taking the dog?
It looks like you're taking
your dog for a walk.
If a policeman comes,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm walking my dog, officer."
What the dogs do
while you're doing the deed?
The dogs? They look away in shame.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll get in the car,
someone will be a celebrity,
and someone will be a monster.
Cos it's Halloween.
You guess who the monster is
and who the celebrity is.
A point for your team
for each one you get correct.
Are you going to be in here as well?
Monster!
(LAUGHTER)
Are you ready?
Yeah. I don't like the waiting bit.
Can I have my first dogging partner
please?
Someone's getting in.
It looks like someone
from Pizza Express.
Hi!
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hello.
Hey, hey. You've got long hair
like my daddy. It's good to pull on.
(RICH FOREIGN ACCENT)
What do you like to do to me?
Wail hail, baby, what do you think
I'd like to do?
(LAUGHTER)
Who is it? Johnny Vegas.
And, and...
It's got to be someone.
Oh!
How many times are you going to
do this?
(LAUGHTER)
You are Dracula.
BEEP!
(APPLAUSE)
Johnny, can you give me a bit more
of a clue?
Ain't you ever worked in demolition?
Sorry, you are
a lady who likes having sex
with a man
who works...in demolition?
Swingin' on big balls!
You're Miley Cyrus!
(APPLAUSE)
My next dogging partner, please.
(APPLAUSE)
We've got a dogger.
So?
Amy Childs. No.
Don't say it to her, say it to me!
You make me sick!
I was out doing me shopping,
and for some reason I just get
this 'orrible feeling in me stomach,
I turn the car back round
and I go home.
I open the door and I see some
frilly knickers on the floor
and say "David, whose the hell
are these knickers?"
"Shirley. They're yours,
you bastard."
(LAUGHTER)
(PEEVISHLY)
Don't look at me, look at her!
How did she follow what you said?
You're Jeremy Kyle!
Yeah!
(APPLAUSE)
Next celebrity dogger please.
I've just...
got a Geordie accent.
(LAUGHTER)
Ahh-ooh!
Werewolf!
(APPLAUSE)
OK, and?
(LAUGHS)
Is that Mark Wright?
Yeah!
Look!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Fuck!
I just sat on one of my balls.
Here's an action replay
of just what happened.
Blair Witch and Mark Wright combined.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's have
our next celebrity.
(ALL MURMUR)
Are you OK? Yeah.
I must get off Mommy's Jimmy Choos.
these are the Halloween titles.
There's Holly Willough-booby -
I want to bite her neck.
There is Gino D'Acampo -
his accent is worse than mine.
We're all here in this spooky place
but don't worry, we're not dead -
apart from me.
We are still here
to make the best show on telly.
What is that show on telly?
You know what it is.
It's Celebrity Juice!
(EVIL LAUGH)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
# (EDWARD SCISSORHANDS THEME)
(LAUGHTER)
Hello!
How do. I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to a special Halloween
special Celebrity Juice special!
(CHEERING)
Without further ado,
let's meet our team captains.
It's Holly Willough-booby.
(CHEERING)
Wow.
It's a bit scary, isn't it?
What's weird is,
you still look really fit,
but really fucked.
(LAUGHTER)
What are you?
What do you think I am?
I have a big prop down here,
if you haven't guessed.
A big what? Oh, a prop!
Mary Berry.
No!
Would you like to come
to my tea party?
John Leslie!
(LAUGHTER)
No...
I'm Alice in fucking Wonderland.
(APPLAUSE)
Holly, who's on your team?
Well, on my right
I have half
of the hottest girl band around,
it's Jade and Perrie
from Little Mix!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my left, I have US singing
sensation Adam Lambert!
Hi!
(CHEERING)
That is a talented team.
What are you doing?
(LAUGHTER)
I can't bloody do anything.
(LAUGHTER)
How are you going to hold
your cards?
Let's meet our other team captain -
it's Gino D'Acampo!
(CHANTING)
Gino! Gino!
Thank you. Thank you.
Gino, I'm sweating like fuck.
I wish I had a press-on towel
cos I've got ball soup right now.
(LAUGHTER)
What have you come as?
What you mean,
what have I come as?
I got the mask, I got the sword -
Zorro.
Zorro, famous Halloween character?
(LAUGHTER)
Zorro's not sort of Halloween, is he?
And Alisha, Wonder Woman there.
What is my name?
What did you say?
I said Alisha, Wonder Woman.
Alisha, Wonder Woman?
(LAUGHTER)
What was her name again?
Alice in Wonderland.
Eh, potato, potahto.
(LAUGHTER)
Alice in Wonderland.
Gino...
Gino, who's on your team?
On my left,
I have the other half
of Little Minge -
(AUDIENCE HOWLS)
- it's Jesy and Leigh-Anne!
(CHEERING)
And on my right, I have my favourite
comedian ever - it's Johnny Vegas!
(CHEERING)
Little Minge?
Little... Little Mix.
Eh, Little Minge, Little Mix...
(LAUGHTER)
It's fine.
Well, for this Halloween special
I've come as Edward Scissorhands.
Let's have a split screen of me.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I'll tell you, it's...
I feel good, but it's difficult
going to the toilet.
It's a good job I am circumcised,
cos I'd have done it again.
I caught the end.
So I might have to take these off.
It's good for cutting people's hair.
I gave Holly's bush a trim earlier.
I think we've got a bit
of footage of that.
(LAUGHTER)
# ABC, easy as 123... #
What did you trim it into?
Just the line. The little Brazil.
Cos remember
in the movie he made a tree,
animals and things.
I was gonna make a swan
but I thought it'd look weird,
like Bjork.
(LAUGHTER)
Johnny, what are you dressed as?
Pugsley.
Who the fuck is Pugsley?
It's er...Addams family.
(CHEERING)
Have we got a picture?
(LAUGHTER)
It was my nickname at school.
Was it?
Yeah! And I only said it as a joke.
And the wardrobe department
took it serious!
I turned up and someone fucking drew
on my forehead with a magic marker.
And I'm sat next to this fucker...
(LAUGHTER)
Mr Who Likes To Get Laid At 6th Form
Parties - that isn't an outfit!
It's not Halloween.
You just want to get your cock away.
(LAUGHTER)
As you made such an effort,
I got a photobooth
to get this memory as a picture.
Go in the photobooth? Yeah.
The biggest smile,
I'll give you a point for your team.
Biggest smile?
Yeah, smile,
like you're enjoying Halloween.
Happy holidays!
All together?
Just one at a time.
Right. Nice picture, Holly, yeah?
OK.
Try and smile.
Are you taking it?
Three bleeps, Holly,
and then he'll take it. What, now?
What do you mean?
Smile!
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
Oh, God, my heart.
Let's have a look,
see if you're smiling.
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Jesy and Leigh-Anne,
let's see if you can smile.
(CHEERING)
We've had a few, so bear with us.
Remember, big smile!
Just perch here.
It looks like you've taken
the Mitchell brothers in with you.
(LAUGHTER)
Oi, that's rude!
Gino's smiling.
(BLEEP - BLEEP)
Smile!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Oh, my God.
Let's have a look at you smiling.
Oh, that's not bad.
That's quite cute.
"Ah, Halloween!"
Jesy, since we last saw you,
you've had some good news.
I have. I'm pregnant.
(CHEERING)
I'm just kidding, I'm not really.
You got engaged.
Of course I did.
Engaged!
(CHEERING)
Woo!
There you are.
Ed just came out,
and I thought we'd finished,
and he started singing my song
and then I knew.
I feel like such a twat,
talking like this.
(LAUGHTER)
Perrie and Jade, you want a picture?
Come on, get a picture,
it's Halloween, get into the spirit!
(CHEERING)
I'm scared now. Right.
You go first, go on.
I don't like this.
Perrie, I need the toilet,
I'll wet myself.
(LAUGHTER)
Pose for your team, biggest smile.
I don't like this.
I can't get in!
I don't like them dangling
in my hair.
Nice big smile.
Jade, you look like
you've shit your pants - smile!
I'm scared.
(BLEEP BLEEP)
Smile!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Let's have a look at your smile.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll go in.
I'm not scared of no ghosts.
(APPLAUSE)
Here goes. I'm - I'm ready.
(BLEEP BLEEP)
(SCREAMS)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
Little Mix!
(CHEERING)
I have to say, black magic
fucking rules.
(CHEERING)
You have a new album out.
It is called "Get Weird
Like Johnny Vegas."
(LAUGHTER)
It's a bonus track.
It's just me, talking.
What is the message?
Basically,
find your inner weirdness.
Like, stick a twig up your arse?
And make owl noises?
"Woo, toowhoo"?
No rules.
Everyone has a inner weirdness.
What is the weirdest thing
you've done?
Jade.
When we're on a night out,
and a lad comes over
that I don't like,
I do this dance,
and they usually go away.
(CHEERING)
Jade, I'll be the guy.
(CACKLES)
# (DANCE MUSIC)
Howay, how's it goin', like?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Adam Lambert, everyone!
(CHEERING)
Adam, you are
a singing superstar from America.
(DISTORTED SOUTHERN ACCENT)
How's it goin'?
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
He sounds like Yogi Bear.
Yeah.
You can make fun of me
when I speak with a British accent.
Can you do a British accent?
(BRITISH ACCENT)
Well, it's not very good.
(LAUGHTER)
That is quite good!
It is!
(STRANGLED)
Especially with fangs in.
Janet Street-Porter!
(LAUGHTER)
Little Mix, you've been
in America a lot.
Can you do an American accent?
Um, I can do kinda...
(STUMBLES)
"Ah don't care if it's doin' 'em,
I like to see it going in."
(LAUGHTER)
(SOUTHERN US ACCENT)
I can do a better accent than you,
Just sayin'.
(EATING WOOL)
"Ah like to see it goin' in you!"
"Don't you talk to me like thayat!"
"You don't know me! OK?"
"Ah dream of you, pretty lady!"
"Better erase those dreams
from your memory."
(WAILS)
"Don't want that shit in the house!"
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, I'm spent.
(LAUGHTER)
Can you do a US accent, Johnny?
Can I fuck.
You hit your career on American Idol.
Mm.
We've got a picture of you.
What did you come, then?
Second place.
Who won that year?
Um, a guy named Chris.
Never heard of him.
(LAUGHTER)
Just Chris?
Chris Allen.
Did it work out for him
or did he disappear?
He is still playing and doing
his thing.
But he ain't over here.
(LAUGHTER)
You are also touring with the Queen.
What's she like?
(LAUGHTER)
It's not really the Queen,
it is the band Queen.
It is so much fun.
There you are.
Was it incredible?
They're amazing. Brian and Roger
are very young at heart.
Is it true that he is 36% sheep?
(LAUGHTER)
He gets so much shit
for his hair, and it's so wonderful.
It's like Holly's minge
in 20 years.
(LAUGHTER)
What a nice thought.
Do you pull scared faces
when you're scared?
I don't get scared that easily.
Let's see.
Yargh! Agh!
(LAUGHTER)
He's not scared, he's dead!
That was my good ear!
Let's play a Halloween game
we play in my house.
Let's see if you can detect
some scared faces.
Gino's team, you're going first.
Tell me if this person
is Scared Stiff or Scared Stiffy.
Oh. I don't know anyone that makes
that face when they're scared.
Is it the doctor from EastEnders?
Scared stiff or scared stiffy?
Scared stiff.
Let's have a look. That's correct.
(APPLAUSE)
Well done.
Scared of injections.
Holly? Scared Stiff
or Scared Stiffy?
What if he is scared of the stiffy?
(LAUGHTER)
I'd say scared.
I think he is too.
Let's have a look.
ALL: Ooh!
He's scared cos his penis has turned
into a graphic.
Gino. Scared Stiff or Scared Stiffy?
Oh. 100% Stiffy.
(LAUGHTER)
How do you know?
He's grinding his teeth.
No! Holly's team.
What do you think?
People do that in their sleep.
It doesn't mean -
(LAUGHTER)
Let's say Stiffy.
Let's have a look.
No!
Scared of flying.
I knew he wasn't.
Oh, man.
Holly's team.
Come on, team.
Oh.
Oh! What do you think?
She's painted like a porn star,
to me.
She might be enjoying it.
I mean, really.
Usually your eyes are open
if you're scared.
"Ah..."
All right, good point.
What do you think, Stiffy or Stiff?
Stiffy, I think.
Stiffy.
I think so, yeah.
Adam, do your stiffy face.
(LAUGHTER)
Ha ha ha!
Scared stiffy.
Let's have a look.
Oh, wow. That's
Scared Stiff AND Scared Stiffy.
I'd be scared
if he tried to go up my backside.
She's vomiting a laser.
(LAUGHTER)
Scared Stiff or Stiffy?
Oh. That's hard.
That's definitely Stiffy.
You think? Why?
Just look at the mouth.
(LAUGHTER)
Looks like a blow job mouth to me.
(LAUGHTER)
We say Stiffy.
Let's have a look.
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah, it's a Stiffy.
She looks a bit scared
but Gino's behind her there.
I knew that would be.
Yeah, I could tell.
That is not me!
It is you. That is not me.
Gino looks like a magnetic flannel.
(LAUGHTER)
The scores are...
(CHEERING)
I'm going to flannel my balls down.
See you after t'break.
Coming up after t'break -
I just heard Perrie say,
"Fookin' 'ell!"
Cheater! Cheater!
Yeah, I've seen you.
Actually you're the cheater.
Oh!
(LAUGHTER)
Hello!
(CHEERING)
Welcome back
to the Halloween special.
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
Are you having a good time?
ALL: Yeah!
(LAUGHTER)
Holly, last time we did a Halloween
special, you weren't here. No.
We were talking about ghosts,
and you're a bit scared. Yes!
And we were talking
about this studio,
which is haunted.
Shut up. It is.
A cameraman got electrocuted.
Oh, don't say things like that.
He just plugged the wrong thing in,
and blew up. Just shoes left.
(LAUGHTER)
He haunts this very studio.
Why are you telling me this now?
Cos it's Halloween. Ghost stories!
If we have any ghost stories,
I refuse to do the interview.
You know why you're afraid?
Cos you sense them.
They smell fear, don't they? What's
your fear smell of? Sugar Puffs.
(LAUGHTER)
You know, they say
you should be careful when you yawn.
Why? A ghost
can put his dick in your mouth.
Really?
(LAUGHTER)
Yeah.
Do ghost have really big dicks?
Yeah.
(YAWNS)
(LAUGHTER)
Every time I fart,
am I performing an exorcism?
(LAUGHTER)
Alan, you've got a new single,
Another Lonely Night.
What's the message?
(LAUGHTER)
"Come over." It's like,
"Will somebody come over? I'm sad."
That's the peripherals of the song.
But what is the message?
The message is, you're not alone.
We're all lonely.
That's peripherals yet again.
What is the message?
(LAUGHTER)
In the album, "No, I don't
give a fuck if the sun comes up,
Yeah, it's just another..."
You swear in your song. Yeah.
Can't play that.
Not on this show.
(LAUGHTER)
It doesn't even rhyme, though.
(LAUGHTER)
But, lonely nights?
Yeah, they we go back to the chorus.
How do you get away
with writing a song about loneliness
when you can afford so many hookers?
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
Now a VT round. What's VT stand for?
Sounds like something transmitted.
(LAUGHTER)
Yes! It's video tape!
(CHEERING)
Last holiday
I got stuck on an island.
Luckily we got saved by
a man in a hot air balloon.
He gave us a potion which reversed
the process and made us good.
Then we went on a private jet
disco holiday,
and went through another Bermuda
Triangle in the sky,
with Benjamin Button
and the celebrities again.
Luckily I was off
having another shit in the toilet.
We had to make an emergency landing
and landed on the exact same island
as before!
(GLOOMILY)
# Oh, I want to dance with somebody
# I want to feel the heat
with somebody...
♪ I'm the ghost of Whitney Houston ♪
Was that too soon to say Whitney
Houston? Has enough time passed?
Hi. I'm not the ghost of Whitney
Houston. It's me, Keith Lemon.
I'm in a graveyard
with some other ghosts.
We're about to play the game
Where's Holly?
We've done Where's Holly.
OK. I'm going to ask
our Benjamin Button celebrities
to reveal themselves. Who's this?
Gino D'Acampo.
I can obviously tell
by his northern voice.
Who's this?
Ed Sheeran.
Who's this?
Taylor Swift.
Who's this?
Nicki Minaj.
And who's this?
Holly Willoughby.
(LAUGHTER)
We're going to go around.
You have to tell me where Holly is.
Are you ready? Woo-hah!
# GHOSTBUSTERS
# Who you gonna call?
# Ghostbusters!
# There's something weird
And it don't look good
# Who you gonna call?
# Ghostbusters!
(ECHOING)
Where's Willoughby?
I think I just heard Perrie say
"fookin' 'ell!"
You're the cheater.
Cheater! Cheater!
Actually, you're are the cheater,
aren't you?
Oh.
(LAUGHTER)
Holly's team. What have you written?
We are going for number 1.
Gino's team?
We are going for...
number 1.
(SHOUTING)
I wrote 15. I didn't
understand the game.
(LAUGHTER)
Whatever!
How many time he turns around,
I wrote 15. I didn't understand.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's find out.
Can you guess where Willoughby is?
Reveal yourself.
You're here!
(CHEERING)
Nice, innit, in the graveyard?
Holly loves graveyards.
Good job there aren't any foxes
in here.
Do you want to say back to t'studio?
Back to the studio.
Isn't she a brilliant presenter?
(WOLF HOWLS)
(APPLAUSE)
No one gets a point.
The scores
at the end of the round
are shitting...!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
I'll see you after t'break.
Coming up after the break:
here's Blair Witch
and Mark Wright combined.
(LAUGHTER)
(WOLF HOWLS)
Shh!
Welcome back to the Celebrity Juice
Halloween special.
I'm in a secret celebrity
dogging location,
known to only a few
celebrity dogging friends.
I won't say who,
cos I don't want to embarrass them
but we're playing Celebrity Dogging.
Let's see who's in here.
Hey, it's Holly.
Hi! And Leigh-Anne from Little Mix!
Hi!
What are you doing here?
I've come to do
celebrity dogging.
Why is it called dogging? Cos you
look like you're taking the dog?
It looks like you're taking
your dog for a walk.
If a policeman comes,
"What are you doing?"
"I'm walking my dog, officer."
What the dogs do
while you're doing the deed?
The dogs? They look away in shame.
(LAUGHTER)
I'll get in the car,
someone will be a celebrity,
and someone will be a monster.
Cos it's Halloween.
You guess who the monster is
and who the celebrity is.
A point for your team
for each one you get correct.
Are you going to be in here as well?
Monster!
(LAUGHTER)
Are you ready?
Yeah. I don't like the waiting bit.
Can I have my first dogging partner
please?
Someone's getting in.
It looks like someone
from Pizza Express.
Hi!
(AMERICAN ACCENT) Hello.
Hey, hey. You've got long hair
like my daddy. It's good to pull on.
(RICH FOREIGN ACCENT)
What do you like to do to me?
Wail hail, baby, what do you think
I'd like to do?
(LAUGHTER)
Who is it? Johnny Vegas.
And, and...
It's got to be someone.
Oh!
How many times are you going to
do this?
(LAUGHTER)
You are Dracula.
BEEP!
(APPLAUSE)
Johnny, can you give me a bit more
of a clue?
Ain't you ever worked in demolition?
Sorry, you are
a lady who likes having sex
with a man
who works...in demolition?
Swingin' on big balls!
You're Miley Cyrus!
(APPLAUSE)
My next dogging partner, please.
(APPLAUSE)
We've got a dogger.
So?
Amy Childs. No.
Don't say it to her, say it to me!
You make me sick!
I was out doing me shopping,
and for some reason I just get
this 'orrible feeling in me stomach,
I turn the car back round
and I go home.
I open the door and I see some
frilly knickers on the floor
and say "David, whose the hell
are these knickers?"
"Shirley. They're yours,
you bastard."
(LAUGHTER)
(PEEVISHLY)
Don't look at me, look at her!
How did she follow what you said?
You're Jeremy Kyle!
Yeah!
(APPLAUSE)
Next celebrity dogger please.
I've just...
got a Geordie accent.
(LAUGHTER)
Ahh-ooh!
Werewolf!
(APPLAUSE)
OK, and?
(LAUGHS)
Is that Mark Wright?
Yeah!
Look!
(SCREAMS)
(ALL SCREAM)
Fuck!
I just sat on one of my balls.
Here's an action replay
of just what happened.
Blair Witch and Mark Wright combined.
(LAUGHTER)
Let's have
our next celebrity.
(ALL MURMUR)
Are you OK? Yeah.
I must get off Mommy's Jimmy Choos.