Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 10 - Episode #14.10 - full transcript
How do! I'm Keith Lemon and these
are my sweet-ass titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out
of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy!
There's Gino D'Acampo who is
covering for Fearne
while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead,
it's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best
telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it's
Celebrity Juice.
On telly. HD ready.
(APPLAUSE)
Boom!
Hoo-rah!
Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's gone very fast. This is the
last in the present series.
(CROWD GROAN)
Let's meet our team captains. First
up, it's Holly Willoughboozy!
Thank you.
What's up? What's going down,
looking all fresh and fly and shit.
Oh, thanks. You look like you've
just run a marathon.
And just kind of got one of those
emergency blankets around you.
You look like Wednesday from Addams
Family, she turned into a hooker.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right is the
all singing, all dancing
and very, very gorgeous
Frankie Bridge.
And on my left,
he is my favourite chef.
Bitch. What a bitch.
It's James Martin!
Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHANTING "GINO, GINO")
Thank you, guys.
Gino, who is on your team?
I have been on your team, like,
six fucking times!
I know. Wait.
OK, who is on my team?
On my left, he is back again.
All the way from the Toon,
it's Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING)
And on my right, a beautiful lady
all the way from Hollyoaks.
(KEITH SCOFFS)
Her name is Jennifer Meatlove.
Meatlove.
If anyone didn't see the first
episode of this series,
we made a bet with Gino.
It's four-all at the moment.
So tonight is a decider.
Over there we have a plinth
with all you will need to become the
presenter of Celebrity Juice.
But if you don't win tonight,
there's all the implements
that you will need
to shave your hair off.
(SHOWER THEME FROM 'PSYCHO')
Are you confident you are going to
win? I think I will win, yes.
If you don't pull any tricks, fine.
Pull any tricks?
What do you think I'd do?
Phone one of my northern mates
from Bolton and say,
"Come down and be on Holly's team
so she beats the shit out of him
and he has to shave his hair off"?
Do you think that is what I would
honestly do?
No, I'm just saying, be fair. Don't
pull any tricks.
Well, I did.
(LAUGHTER)
Holly, who else have you got
on your team?
Please welcome, on my team tonight,
all the way from Bolton,
it's Paddy McGuinness!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
This shit has just got personal,
sunshine.
That is not fair. But I knew you
would do something like that.
That is why I have got
my own Plan V.
That is not the phrase, Plan V.
Hey, let's go into Plan V?!
Plan B!
No, no, no, no, no. Wait.
Cos I knew you would do this shit
anyway to shave my hair.
There is my Plan V. It's Vernon Kay.
Come on. Come on!
(APPLAUSE)
Is that Vernon Kay or Super Mario?
Can I just say as well,
this is a milestone for me
because until this moment, I thought
you two were the same person.
I'm happy that you're on.
I've got a proper gladiator.
None of this northerner shit.
He's from the same place as me!
Are you from North?
We're from the same town!
That's why I'm here.
Fucking hell.
Why is everybody northern?
Sorry, I thought you were
from London.
Vernon, you have presented a lot of
telly shows in your career.
This one I've got to ask you about.
It's a classic, a family favourite.
Everyone is like,
"aw, shit, has it come back?"
Splash! Is it coming back?
It's not coming back, no,
I don't think it is.
You are currently recording a new
series of 1000 Heartbeats.
For anyone who has not seen 1000
Heartbeats, what is it?
There you are, going, "when do I
get my money? I want to go home?"
It's basically, the contestants
wear a heart rate monitor
and they have 1000 beats of their
own heart to answer seven questions.
Has anyone got so stressed that
they've had to bring a medic in?
You were there. You know.
I've done it. I've done the Text
Santa 1000 Heartbeats.
We've got a clip of it here.
Explain what the clip is,
for anyone who hasn't seen it.
It's on Text Santa,
it's not been on yet.
It's dead good.
This is you playing Link.
What you've got to do is match the
titles of the books
with the authors.
Oh, well, I read loads of books.
Of course, you are a very
intelligent young man, Keith.
Let's have a look.
The Nutcracker, Terry Pratchett!
(BUZZER)
The Nutcracker, Mark Twain!
(BUZZER)
Hogfather, Mark Twain!
(BUZZER)
Hogfather, Terry Pratchett!
(APPLAUSE)
Is that it?
(SINGS) Jennifer Metcalfe, she isn't
half fit as fuck. Welcome!
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
They've been trying to get you on
the show for quite a while
so I want to say thanks for coming.
Hopefully later on you will be
coming also.
Have you been on holiday because you
look like a hotdog in clothes?
I did a photo shoot today and they
literally made me like orange, so...
You recently won Sexiest Female at
the Inside Soap Awards.
I think we've got a picture of you
on the night. There you are.
What the...whoosh!
When you go to the toilet, is
difficult to get it off?
No.
I guess you can just piss in it
and wipe it off.
What? Go on. Go on!
No.
Before we went out, I really needed
a wee so...
Oh, no.
Go on, go on, tell us.
This is awful.
We'll cut it out.
So my friend, Nadine - yeah, right -
she was like, "you need to go".
I'm like, "I'm not taking this
off again"
because it were a little bit
sticky taking it on and off.
An ice bucket was there and...
In an ice bucket?
High five for that.
Oh, my God.
You get a round of applause?!
Get an ice bucket and we'll all
piss in one together.
Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness!
I'll tell you what we will
talk about. Your waxwork.
Here you are. Which one is you?
Oh, Paddy.
I'm just around the corner. Yours is
in there. Have you seen yours?
are my sweet-ass titles.
There's Holly Willoughby coming out
of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy!
There's Gino D'Acampo who is
covering for Fearne
while she's off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead,
it's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to make the best
telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it's
Celebrity Juice.
On telly. HD ready.
(APPLAUSE)
Boom!
Hoo-rah!
Hi, welcome to Celebrity Juice.
It's gone very fast. This is the
last in the present series.
(CROWD GROAN)
Let's meet our team captains. First
up, it's Holly Willoughboozy!
Thank you.
What's up? What's going down,
looking all fresh and fly and shit.
Oh, thanks. You look like you've
just run a marathon.
And just kind of got one of those
emergency blankets around you.
You look like Wednesday from Addams
Family, she turned into a hooker.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right is the
all singing, all dancing
and very, very gorgeous
Frankie Bridge.
And on my left,
he is my favourite chef.
Bitch. What a bitch.
It's James Martin!
Hey, it's Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHANTING "GINO, GINO")
Thank you, guys.
Gino, who is on your team?
I have been on your team, like,
six fucking times!
I know. Wait.
OK, who is on my team?
On my left, he is back again.
All the way from the Toon,
it's Chris Ramsey.
(CHEERING)
And on my right, a beautiful lady
all the way from Hollyoaks.
(KEITH SCOFFS)
Her name is Jennifer Meatlove.
Meatlove.
If anyone didn't see the first
episode of this series,
we made a bet with Gino.
It's four-all at the moment.
So tonight is a decider.
Over there we have a plinth
with all you will need to become the
presenter of Celebrity Juice.
But if you don't win tonight,
there's all the implements
that you will need
to shave your hair off.
(SHOWER THEME FROM 'PSYCHO')
Are you confident you are going to
win? I think I will win, yes.
If you don't pull any tricks, fine.
Pull any tricks?
What do you think I'd do?
Phone one of my northern mates
from Bolton and say,
"Come down and be on Holly's team
so she beats the shit out of him
and he has to shave his hair off"?
Do you think that is what I would
honestly do?
No, I'm just saying, be fair. Don't
pull any tricks.
Well, I did.
(LAUGHTER)
Holly, who else have you got
on your team?
Please welcome, on my team tonight,
all the way from Bolton,
it's Paddy McGuinness!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
This shit has just got personal,
sunshine.
That is not fair. But I knew you
would do something like that.
That is why I have got
my own Plan V.
That is not the phrase, Plan V.
Hey, let's go into Plan V?!
Plan B!
No, no, no, no, no. Wait.
Cos I knew you would do this shit
anyway to shave my hair.
There is my Plan V. It's Vernon Kay.
Come on. Come on!
(APPLAUSE)
Is that Vernon Kay or Super Mario?
Can I just say as well,
this is a milestone for me
because until this moment, I thought
you two were the same person.
I'm happy that you're on.
I've got a proper gladiator.
None of this northerner shit.
He's from the same place as me!
Are you from North?
We're from the same town!
That's why I'm here.
Fucking hell.
Why is everybody northern?
Sorry, I thought you were
from London.
Vernon, you have presented a lot of
telly shows in your career.
This one I've got to ask you about.
It's a classic, a family favourite.
Everyone is like,
"aw, shit, has it come back?"
Splash! Is it coming back?
It's not coming back, no,
I don't think it is.
You are currently recording a new
series of 1000 Heartbeats.
For anyone who has not seen 1000
Heartbeats, what is it?
There you are, going, "when do I
get my money? I want to go home?"
It's basically, the contestants
wear a heart rate monitor
and they have 1000 beats of their
own heart to answer seven questions.
Has anyone got so stressed that
they've had to bring a medic in?
You were there. You know.
I've done it. I've done the Text
Santa 1000 Heartbeats.
We've got a clip of it here.
Explain what the clip is,
for anyone who hasn't seen it.
It's on Text Santa,
it's not been on yet.
It's dead good.
This is you playing Link.
What you've got to do is match the
titles of the books
with the authors.
Oh, well, I read loads of books.
Of course, you are a very
intelligent young man, Keith.
Let's have a look.
The Nutcracker, Terry Pratchett!
(BUZZER)
The Nutcracker, Mark Twain!
(BUZZER)
Hogfather, Mark Twain!
(BUZZER)
Hogfather, Terry Pratchett!
(APPLAUSE)
Is that it?
(SINGS) Jennifer Metcalfe, she isn't
half fit as fuck. Welcome!
Thank you.
(APPLAUSE)
(WOLF WHISTLE)
They've been trying to get you on
the show for quite a while
so I want to say thanks for coming.
Hopefully later on you will be
coming also.
Have you been on holiday because you
look like a hotdog in clothes?
I did a photo shoot today and they
literally made me like orange, so...
You recently won Sexiest Female at
the Inside Soap Awards.
I think we've got a picture of you
on the night. There you are.
What the...whoosh!
When you go to the toilet, is
difficult to get it off?
No.
I guess you can just piss in it
and wipe it off.
What? Go on. Go on!
No.
Before we went out, I really needed
a wee so...
Oh, no.
Go on, go on, tell us.
This is awful.
We'll cut it out.
So my friend, Nadine - yeah, right -
she was like, "you need to go".
I'm like, "I'm not taking this
off again"
because it were a little bit
sticky taking it on and off.
An ice bucket was there and...
In an ice bucket?
High five for that.
Oh, my God.
You get a round of applause?!
Get an ice bucket and we'll all
piss in one together.
Hey, it's Paddy McGuinness!
I'll tell you what we will
talk about. Your waxwork.
Here you are. Which one is you?
Oh, Paddy.
I'm just around the corner. Yours is
in there. Have you seen yours?