Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 11 - Christmas Special - full transcript
How do? I'm Keith Lemon
and these are my sweet-arse titles.
Here's Holly Willough-booby
coming out of a giant crab.
Check out those bangers.
Here's Gino d'Acampo covering for
Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible?
We're all in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to do
the best show on t'telly.
What is that show?
Celebrity Juice! On t'telly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Merry Christmas!
♪ Merry Christmas everyone! ♪
It's Christmas!
Hello. I'm Keith Lemon.
Just before we go on with the show
I just want to say Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday, baby Jesus.
Without you I wouldn't be sat here
in a synthetic suit
with holly printed on it
that's making my balls all sweaty.
What I want to do now is introduce
our first Christmas cracker.
It's none other than
Holly Willough-booby!
(CHEERING)
Thank you!
Wow! I like this!
Holly, who's on your team?
On my right,
strictly speaking,
he's an incredible dancer -
it's Jay McGuinness!
(APPLAUSE)
And on my left is actress
and northern goddess,
Michelle Keegan!
(APPLAUSE)
There you go.
All right, Keegan?
I'm all right. Are you?
You don't get out any more since you
got married. Fuck off.
Our other team caption
is Gin-ho-h-h-ho d'Acampo!
(CHEERING)
Gi-no! Gi-no!
Thank you.
Gino.
Do they celebrate Christmas in Italy?
We do.
What's Father Christmas called
in Italy?
Babbo Natale.
Uh, Father - what?
He's called Babbo Natale.
But that's a space moon in Star Wars,
isn't it?
"We are lost in Babbo Natale!"
(LAUGHTER)
No.
Gino, who's on your team?
On my left,
filling us with Christmas cheese,
is Jimmy Carr!
(APPLAUSE)
Whoa whoa whoa!
You can't invite me here
and accuse me of filling an arse
with Christmas cheer.
Filling arse with Christmas jizz?
I mean, I might. The night is young.
On my right, the best Christmas
present you can wish for
is Louise Kidnap. No, Redknapp.
(LAUGHTER)
You have a very difficult surname.
What's her surname?
Red K-napp.
Red K-napp?
Why don't we say the first name?
Jimmy and Louise.
Yeah. OK.
Your surname is the most difficult.
Have you got eyeliner on?
No.
(LAUGHTER)
It's guyliner.
We're both wearing it.
You've both got guyliner on?
Yes, we have!
He's got more than me!
Ha ha ha!
I told him, I want the same.
The eyes look really good.
Michelle, you and Mark
are married now. Yeah.
They're married! Congratulations!
(APPLAUSE)
I got loads of shit on Twitter
about you and Mark getting married.
Did you?
You know what they say about you.
You found a good guy.
You're both good-looking,
like two hot dogs in wigs with teeth.
(LAUGHTER)
We've got a picture of you
on your wedding day.
(LAUGHTER)
Two hot dogs.
Good hair.
No, here's the real picture.
ALL: Ah.
Was Mark emotional at your wedding?
He was, yeah.
How many times did he cry?
Quite a few.
Did he cry loads? Yeah, he did.
He's quite emotional anyway.
Anyway, according to FHM,
you are the sexiest woman alive,
in the world. Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE)
Is there a list of dead women
as well?
No. That's just for the weirdos.
"Here's the dead people..."
"You fucking dead bastards."
(LAUGHTER)
Louise, you've won it before,
haven't you? Oh, 20 years ago.
By 'eck, you won 20 years ago?
I'm not that old!
I used to pull fist
to that magazine! Oh!
(ALL GROAN)
Holly, you was 35th sexiest woman.
Oh.
(CHEERING)
I'll be honest.
I think you should be higher up.
Oh, bless you.
I'm sorry for Fearne,
that wasn't in it.
She was.
She was on the cover
of Men's Health.
(LAUGHTER)
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas, Fearne.
Merry Christmas.
On behalf of Fearne,
you ginger wanker.
Yay!
(CHEERING)
Louise, you used to be an Eternal.
Yeah. There you are.
You were about 12.
You didn't do the big reunion?
I didn't, no. Did they not ask you?
No!
They didn't ask you?
They didn't ask the fittest one
in Eternal to go back to Eternal?
Were they drunk? I didn't know they
were doing it until I saw it.
They must have asked you.
Can we not get into this?
Are you not allowed to say?
You can, cos it's over now.
No. I didn't do it. I didn't know
it was happening. Wow.
and these are my sweet-arse titles.
Here's Holly Willough-booby
coming out of a giant crab.
Check out those bangers.
Here's Gino d'Acampo covering for
Fearne while she's having a baby.
How is that possible?
We're all in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're still here to do
the best show on t'telly.
What is that show?
Celebrity Juice! On t'telly.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Merry Christmas!
♪ Merry Christmas everyone! ♪
It's Christmas!
Hello. I'm Keith Lemon.
Just before we go on with the show
I just want to say Merry Christmas.
Happy birthday, baby Jesus.
Without you I wouldn't be sat here
in a synthetic suit
with holly printed on it
that's making my balls all sweaty.
What I want to do now is introduce
our first Christmas cracker.
It's none other than
Holly Willough-booby!
(CHEERING)
Thank you!
Wow! I like this!
Holly, who's on your team?
On my right,
strictly speaking,
he's an incredible dancer -
it's Jay McGuinness!
(APPLAUSE)
And on my left is actress
and northern goddess,
Michelle Keegan!
(APPLAUSE)
There you go.
All right, Keegan?
I'm all right. Are you?
You don't get out any more since you
got married. Fuck off.
Our other team caption
is Gin-ho-h-h-ho d'Acampo!
(CHEERING)
Gi-no! Gi-no!
Thank you.
Gino.
Do they celebrate Christmas in Italy?
We do.
What's Father Christmas called
in Italy?
Babbo Natale.
Uh, Father - what?
He's called Babbo Natale.
But that's a space moon in Star Wars,
isn't it?
"We are lost in Babbo Natale!"
(LAUGHTER)
No.
Gino, who's on your team?
On my left,
filling us with Christmas cheese,
is Jimmy Carr!
(APPLAUSE)
Whoa whoa whoa!
You can't invite me here
and accuse me of filling an arse
with Christmas cheer.
Filling arse with Christmas jizz?
I mean, I might. The night is young.
On my right, the best Christmas
present you can wish for
is Louise Kidnap. No, Redknapp.
(LAUGHTER)
You have a very difficult surname.
What's her surname?
Red K-napp.
Red K-napp?
Why don't we say the first name?
Jimmy and Louise.
Yeah. OK.
Your surname is the most difficult.
Have you got eyeliner on?
No.
(LAUGHTER)
It's guyliner.
We're both wearing it.
You've both got guyliner on?
Yes, we have!
He's got more than me!
Ha ha ha!
I told him, I want the same.
The eyes look really good.
Michelle, you and Mark
are married now. Yeah.
They're married! Congratulations!
(APPLAUSE)
I got loads of shit on Twitter
about you and Mark getting married.
Did you?
You know what they say about you.
You found a good guy.
You're both good-looking,
like two hot dogs in wigs with teeth.
(LAUGHTER)
We've got a picture of you
on your wedding day.
(LAUGHTER)
Two hot dogs.
Good hair.
No, here's the real picture.
ALL: Ah.
Was Mark emotional at your wedding?
He was, yeah.
How many times did he cry?
Quite a few.
Did he cry loads? Yeah, he did.
He's quite emotional anyway.
Anyway, according to FHM,
you are the sexiest woman alive,
in the world. Congratulations.
(APPLAUSE)
Is there a list of dead women
as well?
No. That's just for the weirdos.
"Here's the dead people..."
"You fucking dead bastards."
(LAUGHTER)
Louise, you've won it before,
haven't you? Oh, 20 years ago.
By 'eck, you won 20 years ago?
I'm not that old!
I used to pull fist
to that magazine! Oh!
(ALL GROAN)
Holly, you was 35th sexiest woman.
Oh.
(CHEERING)
I'll be honest.
I think you should be higher up.
Oh, bless you.
I'm sorry for Fearne,
that wasn't in it.
She was.
She was on the cover
of Men's Health.
(LAUGHTER)
Ho ho ho!
Merry Christmas, Fearne.
Merry Christmas.
On behalf of Fearne,
you ginger wanker.
Yay!
(CHEERING)
Louise, you used to be an Eternal.
Yeah. There you are.
You were about 12.
You didn't do the big reunion?
I didn't, no. Did they not ask you?
No!
They didn't ask you?
They didn't ask the fittest one
in Eternal to go back to Eternal?
Were they drunk? I didn't know they
were doing it until I saw it.
They must have asked you.
Can we not get into this?
Are you not allowed to say?
You can, cos it's over now.
No. I didn't do it. I didn't know
it was happening. Wow.