Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 5 - Episode #14.5 - full transcript
How do? I'm Keith Lemon
and these are my Sweetheart titles.
There's Holly Willoughboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy!
There is Gino D'Acampo,
who is covering for Fearne,
while she's off having her baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven
but don't worry we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We are still here to make
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it is
Celebrity Juice on telly, HD ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hoorah!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And, yes,
# I have a man bun
# I have a man bun
♪ And a lovely, sweet willy ♪
OK, let's meet your team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughbooby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right,
he is the star of Tricked,
it's Ben Hanlin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my left, holding court,
it is Judge Rinder.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rinder,
Rinder, Rinder.
No, did they say, "Dream goal."?
Putting Judge Rinder
as one component?
Is that how your J-Lo sort of made?
No.
I did think it was quite clear,
"Rinder", I heard.
I thought it was loud
and quite clear.
Is that your real voice?
Is that my real voice?
What, do you think I, sort of,
speak differently
when I'm
Are you like Gino in real life?
From Dewsbury?
IRISH ACCENT: Hey, I'm Judge Rinder.
All right, sort this problem out,
you, you bugger.
You fucking bastard.
No.
All right.
Let's meet him, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(BOOING)
Thank you.
CHANTS: Bruno, Bruno, Bruno.
What's with the ponytail?
It's not a ponytail. It's a man bun.
(LAUGHTER)
I read it in magazines
that everyone is having man buns.
With the frilly shirt...
It's in fashion.
It looks, kind of, a ginger Zorro.
He does! Yeah.
What have you got on your T-shirt?
I've got nothing.
I've got a T-shirt, it's...
H-Einstein.
(LAUGHTER)
H-Eistein!
That is Gino trying to be posh.
AS GINO: It is H-Einstein.
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left is my bit on the side,
he is also my Big Brother,
it is Rylan.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my right, straight from Up
North, it is the DJ Sara C
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hey, it'S Judge Rinder in his house!
On your show, Judge Rinder...
Yes?
..you settle out matters,
family disputes and stuff. Yeah.
There is no murder, is it?
No, no, no we are waiting for
the Christmas edition for that.
What if, like, a friend of mine
had a dream that Holly Willoughby
put her breasts in his face...
and then, in real life,
that friend of mine asked her
and she refused
to put her breasts in his face...
Right?
..where does he stand legally?
I... As far away from me
as humanly possible.
You have a new publication out.
Make the Law Work for You.
What is the message?
The message is that anybody
that's got any legal problem
feels sufficiently confident
to go to court
or, better still,
to settle things themselves.
It is an empowering book.
Do you feel empowered holding it?
Well, I have been inspired
by your publication... Good.
..and I've got my own book here.
Oh, excellent.
Here it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Lemon's Laws.
You...you read out some of my laws.
Don't skip a page.
I...I don't know what this means.
Can you read?!
(LAUGHTER)
Well, the first one makes...
Judge Rinder, can you read?
Then, read!
"Always remember to wash your hands
after you finger blast a girl."
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What is that?
It is when you are
intimate with a lady...
Why would you blast her?
(LAUGHTER)
Because they like it.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't look at me.
Why would you blast someone?
Would you, sort of, announce it?
Would you say, "I'm..."
Do you mind if I finger blast you?
That's in the middle of me saying...
That would ruin the mood,
straightaway.
Exactly.
Let's have dinner, a drink
and I don't suppose a finger blast
is out of the question?
Another rule.
Well, I mean, this is good advice
for any shopper, I think.
"Never go through the back doors
when a girl
has recently eaten sweetcorn."
(LAUGHTER)
Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you, Ben?
You know about that.
It sticks around for ages,
doesn't it?
# He's got white teeth
# He likes to eat beef
# Up his arse and in his mouth
♪ It's Rylan ♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No...
What did he say?
He said... I think
he thinks you are Conchita Wurst.
What?!
He just asked me, did you do
the Eurovision Song Contest?
No, it was me! It was me.
It was great. I really enjoyed it.
Rylan, the last time you was on
the show, you had just got engaged.
When is the wedding?
It is soon.
Have the invites gone out?
A couple, yeah.
Where's my invite, you twat?
It's somewhere... (MUMBLES)
Holly, have you got yours?
I have.
Where's my invite?!
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
All right,
I will put it out there now.
If you would like to come to my
wedding, you are more than welcome.
Too busy.
I'm going to Paul Danan's wedding.
Is it true that Katie Price is
a bridesmaid?
No, Katie's not a bridesmaid.
Who is the bridesmaid?
Claire from Steps is the bridesmaid.
She? You invited her, did you (?)
What about Cheryl?
You interviewed Cheryl and asked her
if she would sing at your wedding
and she said yes.
I interviewed Cheryl twice.
Two separate occasions
on This Morning.
I said, "Will you sing
at my wedding?" and she said yes.
If she don't, then she is just
gonna look a right idiot now.
But why don't you give a message
down camera five to her?
Chel...
Will you please think at my wedding?
Because it would be really nice.
Thanks.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)
Fuck off!
She said, "Rylan, go fuck yourself
with a bag of nettles."
She watches this show. Hi, Cheryl!
Hi, Cheryl!
That's a shame, innit (?)
Could've been, like,
the perfect wedding, couldn't it?
You could have married them.
That is true.
Are judges allowed to do that?
No, but I could get ordained online
or something.
We could have had the wedding here.
Ben could have been the magician
at the wedding, minesweeping,
taking everyone's drinks.
Sarah could have been the DJ.
Holly could have been the pissed up
tramp puking up on the dancefloor.
I could have been getting
off with all the bridesmaids.
Lovely.
Gino, you weren't invited.
It's horrible, isn't it?
Hey, of all the cocks,
she's my favourite Cox!
It's Sara Cox!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
The last 15 years, I have,
you know, watched Sara Cox.
You have watched cocks
for the last 15 years?
What were you saying?
I have been fancying Sara Cox
for the last 15 years.
You have been fancying...
"I have been fancying Sara Cox."
I can see it in his eyes.
When I got the script, I was like,
"Yes!"
He met my dad backstage.
He was very charming,
trying to get in with the in-laws.
Oh, yes.
Sara, am I seeing your name right?
Because it is spelled S-A-R-A.
Yeah.
But Sarah has a H in it, yeah?
Yes, but the H got knocked off
when I started my not very
super modelling career.
Did you give it to H from Steps?
I put it on eBay. On hBay.
H from Steps was nameless,
living in a little tin can.
He got the H
and the rest is history.
You have got a telly show out,
haven't you?
Yeah, the Great Pottery Throwdown.
And what happens?
It is made by the same people
who do Bake Off.
But it is pottery instead,
so it is people
at the potter's wheel,
making all these amazing pots.
We have got these two incredible
judges who are just mental,
Do you think that is gonna be
the next fad?
Because with Great British Bake Off,
everyone has started baking.
Because they never did before,
and now everyone is baking.
Do you think everyone is gonna
start doing pottery? It might be.
It is massively oversubscribed
at night schools.
Is everyone gonna get shit vases
the Christmas, then? Maybe!
Piff, paff, puff, it's Ben Hanlin!
Ben, you are a very good magician,
but what I want to know is,
why haven't you got a really
exciting stage name like Dynamo
or Paul Daniels?
What my parents gave me,
that was it.
Yeah, but when you got into magic,
didn't you think,
"I could change my name
to something magical"?
A bit wanky, that, innit?
You have got a new series of Tricked
out. It started on Tuesday. Yep.
You trick celebrities. Yeah.
What is new in this series?
This series, each episode
has got a bit of a theme.
On Tuesday,
it was a movie-themed episode.
Who have you got in that?
Tom Cruise? Tom Hanks? Tom Hardy?
Well, it was going to be that,
but ITV2 budgets...
It's just Rylan again.
Have you got Rylan again?
You have all heard of the Floating
Hat Trick Game, haven't you?
Who?
Ben, you know about it,
being from magic and all. Er...
I'll tell you what, I want you
to tell us how it is done.
I can't tell you how it is done
anyway.
Why? I'd have to kill you and that.
What? The Magic Circle thing?
I am not part of the Magic Circle,
so go fuck themselves.
Who is the lord of the Magic Circle?
Is it like a Gandalf character?
There is a president
of the Magic Circle.
I can't even reveal his name.
No, I can't tell you. Honest
Yeah, it is
proper secret stuff, yeah.
I heard it was Alan Sugar.
What did you say?
I genuinely heard it was Alan Sugar.
Are you for real?!
Alan Sugar is the president
of the Magic Circle?!
I know he is business and all that,
but I genuinely heard
on the grapevine it's Alan Sugar.
And you know what? None of us know.
So if it does come out that it
is Alan Sugar, fuck you all!
Now it is time for
the Floating Hat Trick Game!
The Floating Hat Trick Game!
Hello and welcome to The Floating
Hat Trick Game.
As you can see, Ben here has a hat
on his head with a spike on it.
At home, you may not be able to see
that he has an invisible,
opaque magical sheath on his face.
Everyone in the audience here can
see it, but at home,
you might not be able to see it
because it is magical.
It will create the illusion
that the hat is floating.
I have just told them
how it is done.
I'm going to get thrown out
of the Magic Circle.
I'm not even in it,
so it doesn't matter.
What you have got to do,
for a point for your team,
is magically raise the hat
until it bursts the balloon.
Do you comprehend what I'm saying?
Say yeah or no. Yeah. Yeah, he does.
You will go on the klaxon. Are you
ready? Yeah. You look good.
and these are my Sweetheart titles.
There's Holly Willoughboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers, boy!
There is Gino D'Acampo,
who is covering for Fearne,
while she's off having her baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven
but don't worry we are not dead.
It's just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We are still here to make
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is, it is
Celebrity Juice on telly, HD ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hoorah!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello, I'm Keith Lemon.
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
And, yes,
# I have a man bun
# I have a man bun
♪ And a lovely, sweet willy ♪
OK, let's meet your team captains.
First up is Holly Willoughbooby.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello.
Holly, who is on your team?
On my right,
he is the star of Tricked,
it's Ben Hanlin.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my left, holding court,
it is Judge Rinder.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE CHANTING: Rinder,
Rinder, Rinder.
No, did they say, "Dream goal."?
Putting Judge Rinder
as one component?
Is that how your J-Lo sort of made?
No.
I did think it was quite clear,
"Rinder", I heard.
I thought it was loud
and quite clear.
Is that your real voice?
Is that my real voice?
What, do you think I, sort of,
speak differently
when I'm
Are you like Gino in real life?
From Dewsbury?
IRISH ACCENT: Hey, I'm Judge Rinder.
All right, sort this problem out,
you, you bugger.
You fucking bastard.
No.
All right.
Let's meet him, it's Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
(BOOING)
Thank you.
CHANTS: Bruno, Bruno, Bruno.
What's with the ponytail?
It's not a ponytail. It's a man bun.
(LAUGHTER)
I read it in magazines
that everyone is having man buns.
With the frilly shirt...
It's in fashion.
It looks, kind of, a ginger Zorro.
He does! Yeah.
What have you got on your T-shirt?
I've got nothing.
I've got a T-shirt, it's...
H-Einstein.
(LAUGHTER)
H-Eistein!
That is Gino trying to be posh.
AS GINO: It is H-Einstein.
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left is my bit on the side,
he is also my Big Brother,
it is Rylan.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And on my right, straight from Up
North, it is the DJ Sara C
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hey, it'S Judge Rinder in his house!
On your show, Judge Rinder...
Yes?
..you settle out matters,
family disputes and stuff. Yeah.
There is no murder, is it?
No, no, no we are waiting for
the Christmas edition for that.
What if, like, a friend of mine
had a dream that Holly Willoughby
put her breasts in his face...
and then, in real life,
that friend of mine asked her
and she refused
to put her breasts in his face...
Right?
..where does he stand legally?
I... As far away from me
as humanly possible.
You have a new publication out.
Make the Law Work for You.
What is the message?
The message is that anybody
that's got any legal problem
feels sufficiently confident
to go to court
or, better still,
to settle things themselves.
It is an empowering book.
Do you feel empowered holding it?
Well, I have been inspired
by your publication... Good.
..and I've got my own book here.
Oh, excellent.
Here it is.
(LAUGHTER)
Lemon's Laws.
You...you read out some of my laws.
Don't skip a page.
I...I don't know what this means.
Can you read?!
(LAUGHTER)
Well, the first one makes...
Judge Rinder, can you read?
Then, read!
"Always remember to wash your hands
after you finger blast a girl."
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
What is that?
It is when you are
intimate with a lady...
Why would you blast her?
(LAUGHTER)
Because they like it.
(LAUGHTER)
Don't look at me.
Why would you blast someone?
Would you, sort of, announce it?
Would you say, "I'm..."
Do you mind if I finger blast you?
That's in the middle of me saying...
That would ruin the mood,
straightaway.
Exactly.
Let's have dinner, a drink
and I don't suppose a finger blast
is out of the question?
Another rule.
Well, I mean, this is good advice
for any shopper, I think.
"Never go through the back doors
when a girl
has recently eaten sweetcorn."
(LAUGHTER)
Very wise.
Respect.
You know about that, don't you, Ben?
You know about that.
It sticks around for ages,
doesn't it?
# He's got white teeth
# He likes to eat beef
# Up his arse and in his mouth
♪ It's Rylan ♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
No...
What did he say?
He said... I think
he thinks you are Conchita Wurst.
What?!
He just asked me, did you do
the Eurovision Song Contest?
No, it was me! It was me.
It was great. I really enjoyed it.
Rylan, the last time you was on
the show, you had just got engaged.
When is the wedding?
It is soon.
Have the invites gone out?
A couple, yeah.
Where's my invite, you twat?
It's somewhere... (MUMBLES)
Holly, have you got yours?
I have.
Where's my invite?!
(AUDIENCE BOOS)
All right,
I will put it out there now.
If you would like to come to my
wedding, you are more than welcome.
Too busy.
I'm going to Paul Danan's wedding.
Is it true that Katie Price is
a bridesmaid?
No, Katie's not a bridesmaid.
Who is the bridesmaid?
Claire from Steps is the bridesmaid.
She? You invited her, did you (?)
What about Cheryl?
You interviewed Cheryl and asked her
if she would sing at your wedding
and she said yes.
I interviewed Cheryl twice.
Two separate occasions
on This Morning.
I said, "Will you sing
at my wedding?" and she said yes.
If she don't, then she is just
gonna look a right idiot now.
But why don't you give a message
down camera five to her?
Chel...
Will you please think at my wedding?
Because it would be really nice.
Thanks.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)
Fuck off!
She said, "Rylan, go fuck yourself
with a bag of nettles."
She watches this show. Hi, Cheryl!
Hi, Cheryl!
That's a shame, innit (?)
Could've been, like,
the perfect wedding, couldn't it?
You could have married them.
That is true.
Are judges allowed to do that?
No, but I could get ordained online
or something.
We could have had the wedding here.
Ben could have been the magician
at the wedding, minesweeping,
taking everyone's drinks.
Sarah could have been the DJ.
Holly could have been the pissed up
tramp puking up on the dancefloor.
I could have been getting
off with all the bridesmaids.
Lovely.
Gino, you weren't invited.
It's horrible, isn't it?
Hey, of all the cocks,
she's my favourite Cox!
It's Sara Cox!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
The last 15 years, I have,
you know, watched Sara Cox.
You have watched cocks
for the last 15 years?
What were you saying?
I have been fancying Sara Cox
for the last 15 years.
You have been fancying...
"I have been fancying Sara Cox."
I can see it in his eyes.
When I got the script, I was like,
"Yes!"
He met my dad backstage.
He was very charming,
trying to get in with the in-laws.
Oh, yes.
Sara, am I seeing your name right?
Because it is spelled S-A-R-A.
Yeah.
But Sarah has a H in it, yeah?
Yes, but the H got knocked off
when I started my not very
super modelling career.
Did you give it to H from Steps?
I put it on eBay. On hBay.
H from Steps was nameless,
living in a little tin can.
He got the H
and the rest is history.
You have got a telly show out,
haven't you?
Yeah, the Great Pottery Throwdown.
And what happens?
It is made by the same people
who do Bake Off.
But it is pottery instead,
so it is people
at the potter's wheel,
making all these amazing pots.
We have got these two incredible
judges who are just mental,
Do you think that is gonna be
the next fad?
Because with Great British Bake Off,
everyone has started baking.
Because they never did before,
and now everyone is baking.
Do you think everyone is gonna
start doing pottery? It might be.
It is massively oversubscribed
at night schools.
Is everyone gonna get shit vases
the Christmas, then? Maybe!
Piff, paff, puff, it's Ben Hanlin!
Ben, you are a very good magician,
but what I want to know is,
why haven't you got a really
exciting stage name like Dynamo
or Paul Daniels?
What my parents gave me,
that was it.
Yeah, but when you got into magic,
didn't you think,
"I could change my name
to something magical"?
A bit wanky, that, innit?
You have got a new series of Tricked
out. It started on Tuesday. Yep.
You trick celebrities. Yeah.
What is new in this series?
This series, each episode
has got a bit of a theme.
On Tuesday,
it was a movie-themed episode.
Who have you got in that?
Tom Cruise? Tom Hanks? Tom Hardy?
Well, it was going to be that,
but ITV2 budgets...
It's just Rylan again.
Have you got Rylan again?
You have all heard of the Floating
Hat Trick Game, haven't you?
Who?
Ben, you know about it,
being from magic and all. Er...
I'll tell you what, I want you
to tell us how it is done.
I can't tell you how it is done
anyway.
Why? I'd have to kill you and that.
What? The Magic Circle thing?
I am not part of the Magic Circle,
so go fuck themselves.
Who is the lord of the Magic Circle?
Is it like a Gandalf character?
There is a president
of the Magic Circle.
I can't even reveal his name.
No, I can't tell you. Honest
Yeah, it is
proper secret stuff, yeah.
I heard it was Alan Sugar.
What did you say?
I genuinely heard it was Alan Sugar.
Are you for real?!
Alan Sugar is the president
of the Magic Circle?!
I know he is business and all that,
but I genuinely heard
on the grapevine it's Alan Sugar.
And you know what? None of us know.
So if it does come out that it
is Alan Sugar, fuck you all!
Now it is time for
the Floating Hat Trick Game!
The Floating Hat Trick Game!
Hello and welcome to The Floating
Hat Trick Game.
As you can see, Ben here has a hat
on his head with a spike on it.
At home, you may not be able to see
that he has an invisible,
opaque magical sheath on his face.
Everyone in the audience here can
see it, but at home,
you might not be able to see it
because it is magical.
It will create the illusion
that the hat is floating.
I have just told them
how it is done.
I'm going to get thrown out
of the Magic Circle.
I'm not even in it,
so it doesn't matter.
What you have got to do,
for a point for your team,
is magically raise the hat
until it bursts the balloon.
Do you comprehend what I'm saying?
Say yeah or no. Yeah. Yeah, he does.
You will go on the klaxon. Are you
ready? Yeah. You look good.