Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 4 - Episode #14.4 - full transcript
How do? I'm Keith Lemon
and these are my sweet arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy coming out
of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers!
Gino D'Acampo's covering for Fearne
while she's having a baby.
How is that possible (?)
We are all here in heaven, but we're
not dead,
it's just an over-elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're doing the best telly show
on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly!
HD-ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yeah!
Woo-hoo!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon. I would like to
apologise to one of the ladies.
When I was doing high-five
when I came down,
I think I smacked her tit!
(LAUGHTER) I am sorry.
It felt good,
I hope it felt good for you.
Let's meet our team captains.
One of them has got really big tits,
it's Holly Willobooby!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you
very much!
(WOLF WHISTLING) Thank you.
Who is on your team?
On my right I have the star of
Man Vs Food, it is Adam Richm
(CHEERING)
And on my left, I have the foxiest
of all pop stars, it is Foxes!
(CHEERING)
You're all right there? Indeed,
this is a very good table to be at.
Is it a table or a desk? Either way,
it is really a good place to be.
My breasts are voluminous, but not
nearly as lovely as the other ones.
What? Voluminous. Vol-oo-minus.
I thought it was vol-u-mous?
You don't exist yet!
(LAUGHTER) You will exist soon!
OK, let's meet our next team
captain, it Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino!
Thank you.
When he says thank you I keep
thinking he is saying fuck you
Kelly, you do not exist, fuck you!
Gino, who is on your team?
OK, on my right, she is a member
of one of the most famous family -
(KEITH LAUGHS)
What? (AS GINO) What is she now? I
have forgotten.
Let's do this, because otherwise it
looks unprofessional.
On my right, sh... (LAUGHTER)
It is going to be a long night.
I have got your back.
I am Kelly Osbourne.
And I am
from a very famous family.
(CHEERING)
I am also a fashion designer
and a fashion critic.
There you go, you are so welcome.
You are so sweet, thank you.
Gino, don't worry about Thomas.
Thomas, tell us who you are.
No, I want to do Thomas!
(CHEERING)
On my left all the way from This
Is England, his name is Thomas...
I knew he'd struggle.
How you say it? It's a surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway...
(LAUGHTER) Can we get Fearne back,
please?
You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER)
Kelly, as Gino was trying to say,
you are from one of the most famous
families in the world: the Osbournes.
There is a picture there
when the show was in its prime.
I was 15 or 16 in that picture. It
was the first family reality show.
Do you think they'll do another
Osbournes? We have talked about it.
We did it on MTV, nothing like that
had ever been done before.
If we're going
to come back we want to do it
in a way that has never been done
before.
You don't all live together
any more, do you?
No, I am very happy about that.
They live down the road, I walk
there and go through the fridge -
Fuck off! Fuck off! No!
I have been to your parents'
house a handful of times
and every time I have been your dad
is always colouring.
He is not colouring. He is.
He paints and draws, he's not
colouring in a colouring book.
I go, 'All right? How is it going?
Are you colouring?' He goes, 'Yeah.'
He paints and he draws with fancy
felt-tip pens.
Not as fancy as these,
I got him these.
He will probably really like these.
I will tell him these are from
Keith.
He will probably be like, 'What the
fuck is that?'
It's Thomas Turgoose, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thomas from This Is England, 90?
Yeah, could you not do some
research?
What happened to the other 89, then?
(LAUGHTER)
We all went on holiday
to Ibiza that year.
I have heard that this is
the last one.
The writer and director said he's
put a full stop,
but only in pencil.
He has left it open. So, if he runs
out of money he will do another one?
Fuck it, I'll just chuck up 92!
(LAUGHTER)
You have been on Juice before,
haven't you?
I have, you nearly broke your neck!
Were you 17 last time you were
here? Yes. Look at that!
Second series. I look really ill
and scruffy on that. Eh?
and these are my sweet arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy coming out
of a giant clam.
Check out them bangers!
Gino D'Acampo's covering for Fearne
while she's having a baby.
How is that possible (?)
We are all here in heaven, but we're
not dead,
it's just an over-elaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We're doing the best telly show
on t'telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly!
HD-ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes! Yeah!
Woo-hoo!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hello!
Welcome to Celebrity Juice.
I'm Keith Lemon. I would like to
apologise to one of the ladies.
When I was doing high-five
when I came down,
I think I smacked her tit!
(LAUGHTER) I am sorry.
It felt good,
I hope it felt good for you.
Let's meet our team captains.
One of them has got really big tits,
it's Holly Willobooby!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) Thank you
very much!
(WOLF WHISTLING) Thank you.
Who is on your team?
On my right I have the star of
Man Vs Food, it is Adam Richm
(CHEERING)
And on my left, I have the foxiest
of all pop stars, it is Foxes!
(CHEERING)
You're all right there? Indeed,
this is a very good table to be at.
Is it a table or a desk? Either way,
it is really a good place to be.
My breasts are voluminous, but not
nearly as lovely as the other ones.
What? Voluminous. Vol-oo-minus.
I thought it was vol-u-mous?
You don't exist yet!
(LAUGHTER) You will exist soon!
OK, let's meet our next team
captain, it Gino D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino!
Thank you.
When he says thank you I keep
thinking he is saying fuck you
Kelly, you do not exist, fuck you!
Gino, who is on your team?
OK, on my right, she is a member
of one of the most famous family -
(KEITH LAUGHS)
What? (AS GINO) What is she now? I
have forgotten.
Let's do this, because otherwise it
looks unprofessional.
On my right, sh... (LAUGHTER)
It is going to be a long night.
I have got your back.
I am Kelly Osbourne.
And I am
from a very famous family.
(CHEERING)
I am also a fashion designer
and a fashion critic.
There you go, you are so welcome.
You are so sweet, thank you.
Gino, don't worry about Thomas.
Thomas, tell us who you are.
No, I want to do Thomas!
(CHEERING)
On my left all the way from This
Is England, his name is Thomas...
I knew he'd struggle.
How you say it? It's a surname.
How do you say it? Turgoose.
Anyway...
(LAUGHTER) Can we get Fearne back,
please?
You cheeky bastard. (LAUGHTER)
Kelly, as Gino was trying to say,
you are from one of the most famous
families in the world: the Osbournes.
There is a picture there
when the show was in its prime.
I was 15 or 16 in that picture. It
was the first family reality show.
Do you think they'll do another
Osbournes? We have talked about it.
We did it on MTV, nothing like that
had ever been done before.
If we're going
to come back we want to do it
in a way that has never been done
before.
You don't all live together
any more, do you?
No, I am very happy about that.
They live down the road, I walk
there and go through the fridge -
Fuck off! Fuck off! No!
I have been to your parents'
house a handful of times
and every time I have been your dad
is always colouring.
He is not colouring. He is.
He paints and draws, he's not
colouring in a colouring book.
I go, 'All right? How is it going?
Are you colouring?' He goes, 'Yeah.'
He paints and he draws with fancy
felt-tip pens.
Not as fancy as these,
I got him these.
He will probably really like these.
I will tell him these are from
Keith.
He will probably be like, 'What the
fuck is that?'
It's Thomas Turgoose, everyone.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Thomas from This Is England, 90?
Yeah, could you not do some
research?
What happened to the other 89, then?
(LAUGHTER)
We all went on holiday
to Ibiza that year.
I have heard that this is
the last one.
The writer and director said he's
put a full stop,
but only in pencil.
He has left it open. So, if he runs
out of money he will do another one?
Fuck it, I'll just chuck up 92!
(LAUGHTER)
You have been on Juice before,
haven't you?
I have, you nearly broke your neck!
Were you 17 last time you were
here? Yes. Look at that!
Second series. I look really ill
and scruffy on that. Eh?