Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 2 - Episode #14.2 - full transcript
How do. I'm Keith Lemon
and these are me sweet-arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
Gino D'Acampo is covering for Fearne
while she's having a baby.
How is that possible?
We're here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate
metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
You know what!
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
It's ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Hurrah!
I'm Keith Lemon,
welcome to the weekend.
It's Thursday,
so it is where the weekend starts.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoboozy!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hi!
Who's on your team, Holly?
On my right,
I have the luck of the Irish.
It's the gorgeous Louis Walsh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And to my left, she's back, she is
so beautiful, it's Kelly Brook!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
She's back!
I'm back! Good to be back.
Did you miss me?
I have missed you, Kelly.
Recently, in the paper,
it said I'd slurred you.
I said your relationships were
fake to boost your career,
but they're not fake, cos when you
went out with me, that was real.
(LAUGHTER)
It happened
maybe in a dream
in your little mind.
That is not what happens in a dream.
Keeping it clean for telly.
In the dream, you did a shit
on the back of me neck.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Let's meet our next team captain.
It's none other
than Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left, I have a very funny man,
with a funny laugher.
(LAUGHTER)
Could it be... Sorry?
It's funny laugh.
"A funny laugh-a!" "Funny laugh"
would be how you pronounce it.
You've been here 25 years.
Take an interest.
(LAUGHTER)
It's Jimmy Carr!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Let's listen to the next one.
On my right, I got a star
of Coronation Street,
it's Hayley Tomadon!
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Almost right.
First of all, let's get your name
out of the way. Tam AD-DON.
Tom-A-Don?
Tamaddon. Tamaddon?
What did they call you at school,
what names?
Hayley Psoriasis Tampon.
Psoriasis Tampon?!
Because my middle name is Soraya -
(SPLUTTERS)
Why is that even funny?
I can't believe you're laughing.
I was named after the first
Princess of Persia.
I might be from Blackpool,
but I got a bit of class.
(LAUGHTER)
Hayley, you are on Corrie.
What is your character's name?
Andrea.
And what's going on with her?
Andrea is pregnant.
Do you have to wear a fake belly?
Not yet, not yet.
My belly is actually big enough.
Behave! Listen, I've just had
a curry back there
followed by vodka and coke...
Was that your chuff I smelled
as I walked in?
Next Wednesday is a live Corrie.
Yes, I've never done live before.
We did a read through last night
and it was absolutely brilliant.
Can you give us an exclusive?
Well, I leave.
That's the end?
You're not doing Corrie?
That's it. Me and Craig Charles.
Is that true?
We both leave
during the live episode.
Did you just fuck up
and that's our exclusive?
I was allowed to tell you.
So when are you on Casualty?
(LAUGHTER)
I like Casualty, I'll be in that.
Have you got something lined up?
I'm going to go to LA.
To seek fame and fortune?
Well, that's what we all do,
us British actors.
Kelly, can you give her any tips?
You've done America loads of times.
Yeah, but I always get sent back.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, it's Kelly Brook!
(APPLAUSE)
You did a sitcom in America
that was produced by Ellen.
Ellen Degeneres, yes.
She invented lesbians.
(LAUGHTER)
What was that like, meeting Ellen?
It was scary.
Is it true when you met her,
you were naked? Yes!
Did you say you weren't sure
whether to shake her hand
or hug her, but you were naked.
No, I just screamed.
She went... "ALL RIGHT THERE!
HOW YOU DOING?!"
(LAUGHTER)
I was mortified.
"Doing the fucking job or what,
you mug?"
You're on Instagram,
very active on Instagram?
Yes, I love Instagram.
We have got a picture from it.
Which one of the Mitchell brothers
is that one there?
Look at Gino's face!
(LAUGHTER)
Do you know what Gino said?
"I like to play with the boob
and smack it in the face."
I would pull you on me,
lift them up,
and just let it go and then BLOOP!
(LAUGHTER)
No, you've not - I do not think
you have thought it through.
If you do that, look at her,
you'll die.
I think you could break your spine
doing that with Kelly.
If that's the way I'm gonna go,
fuck it.
I want to know what Louis's gonna
do with all those seats.
I don't know.
He doesn't know! Why would HE know?
Louis Walsh, everyone!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Louis, what's this new exciting
project you've got?
I have a new boy band.
Irish, six boys.
We have got a picture of them,
there they are.
They are called Hometown.
Are they better than Westlife?
They are different.
Good?
They're very, very talented.
Very different. Good answer.
Are they better than Boyzone?
Yes.
We know that you're not doing
The X Factor any more.
I did it for 11 years
and they just didn't hire me
this year.
Did he tell you himself?
Yes, he told me. He called you.
and these are me sweet-arse titles.
There's Holly Willoboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
Gino D'Acampo is covering for Fearne
while she's having a baby.
How is that possible?
We're here in heaven,
but don't worry, we're not dead.
It's just an elaborate
metaphor for how great this show is.
We're still
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on t'telly?
You know what!
It's Celebrity Juice on t'telly.
It's ready.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Hurrah!
I'm Keith Lemon,
welcome to the weekend.
It's Thursday,
so it is where the weekend starts.
Let's meet our team captains.
First up, it's Holly Willoboozy!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hi!
Who's on your team, Holly?
On my right,
I have the luck of the Irish.
It's the gorgeous Louis Walsh.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
And to my left, she's back, she is
so beautiful, it's Kelly Brook!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
She's back!
I'm back! Good to be back.
Did you miss me?
I have missed you, Kelly.
Recently, in the paper,
it said I'd slurred you.
I said your relationships were
fake to boost your career,
but they're not fake, cos when you
went out with me, that was real.
(LAUGHTER)
It happened
maybe in a dream
in your little mind.
That is not what happens in a dream.
Keeping it clean for telly.
In the dream, you did a shit
on the back of me neck.
(AUDIENCE GROANS)
Let's meet our next team captain.
It's none other
than Gino Sheffield D'Acampo.
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Gino, who is on your team?
On my left, I have a very funny man,
with a funny laugher.
(LAUGHTER)
Could it be... Sorry?
It's funny laugh.
"A funny laugh-a!" "Funny laugh"
would be how you pronounce it.
You've been here 25 years.
Take an interest.
(LAUGHTER)
It's Jimmy Carr!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Let's listen to the next one.
On my right, I got a star
of Coronation Street,
it's Hayley Tomadon!
(LAUGHTER)
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Almost right.
First of all, let's get your name
out of the way. Tam AD-DON.
Tom-A-Don?
Tamaddon. Tamaddon?
What did they call you at school,
what names?
Hayley Psoriasis Tampon.
Psoriasis Tampon?!
Because my middle name is Soraya -
(SPLUTTERS)
Why is that even funny?
I can't believe you're laughing.
I was named after the first
Princess of Persia.
I might be from Blackpool,
but I got a bit of class.
(LAUGHTER)
Hayley, you are on Corrie.
What is your character's name?
Andrea.
And what's going on with her?
Andrea is pregnant.
Do you have to wear a fake belly?
Not yet, not yet.
My belly is actually big enough.
Behave! Listen, I've just had
a curry back there
followed by vodka and coke...
Was that your chuff I smelled
as I walked in?
Next Wednesday is a live Corrie.
Yes, I've never done live before.
We did a read through last night
and it was absolutely brilliant.
Can you give us an exclusive?
Well, I leave.
That's the end?
You're not doing Corrie?
That's it. Me and Craig Charles.
Is that true?
We both leave
during the live episode.
Did you just fuck up
and that's our exclusive?
I was allowed to tell you.
So when are you on Casualty?
(LAUGHTER)
I like Casualty, I'll be in that.
Have you got something lined up?
I'm going to go to LA.
To seek fame and fortune?
Well, that's what we all do,
us British actors.
Kelly, can you give her any tips?
You've done America loads of times.
Yeah, but I always get sent back.
(LAUGHTER)
Hey, it's Kelly Brook!
(APPLAUSE)
You did a sitcom in America
that was produced by Ellen.
Ellen Degeneres, yes.
She invented lesbians.
(LAUGHTER)
What was that like, meeting Ellen?
It was scary.
Is it true when you met her,
you were naked? Yes!
Did you say you weren't sure
whether to shake her hand
or hug her, but you were naked.
No, I just screamed.
She went... "ALL RIGHT THERE!
HOW YOU DOING?!"
(LAUGHTER)
I was mortified.
"Doing the fucking job or what,
you mug?"
You're on Instagram,
very active on Instagram?
Yes, I love Instagram.
We have got a picture from it.
Which one of the Mitchell brothers
is that one there?
Look at Gino's face!
(LAUGHTER)
Do you know what Gino said?
"I like to play with the boob
and smack it in the face."
I would pull you on me,
lift them up,
and just let it go and then BLOOP!
(LAUGHTER)
No, you've not - I do not think
you have thought it through.
If you do that, look at her,
you'll die.
I think you could break your spine
doing that with Kelly.
If that's the way I'm gonna go,
fuck it.
I want to know what Louis's gonna
do with all those seats.
I don't know.
He doesn't know! Why would HE know?
Louis Walsh, everyone!
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Louis, what's this new exciting
project you've got?
I have a new boy band.
Irish, six boys.
We have got a picture of them,
there they are.
They are called Hometown.
Are they better than Westlife?
They are different.
Good?
They're very, very talented.
Very different. Good answer.
Are they better than Boyzone?
Yes.
We know that you're not doing
The X Factor any more.
I did it for 11 years
and they just didn't hire me
this year.
Did he tell you himself?
Yes, he told me. He called you.