Celebrity Juice (2008–…): Season 14, Episode 1 - Episode #14.1 - full transcript
How do? I am Keith Lemon
and these are my sweet-arse titles.
There is Holly Williboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
There is Gino d'Acampo
who is covering for Fearne
while she is off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven
but do not worry, we are not dead.
It is just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We are still here to make
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is,
it is Celebrity Juice on telly.
HD ready. Hi. Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Ye-e-es!
Yes!
Hoora-a-a-ah!
Welcome back to a brand-new series
of Celebrity Juice. Yes!
I could not do it without our team
captains so let's meet them,
it is Holly Willoughboozy!
Boozy?
I would let you fart in my mouth.
I will take that as a yes.
I am so proud to work with you.
Oh, thanks.
You are the fittest woman
on television. Oh, please.
I am telling you, I have masturbated
to you when you do This Morning.
Until I get a scar. Stop, stop.
You know what?
I enjoy you so much with
Phillip Schofield that sometimes
I think about him
as well. Who is on your team, Holly?
On my team tonight, to my right
is the legend that is Jonathan Ross.
And on my left, he is the naughty
boy of Chelsea, it is Jamie Laing.
Jonathan Ross in the hizoose.
Looking very smart.
Thank you. Thank you. So are you.
Have you got a job interview after?
What has happened
to your flamboyancy?
What do you mean, my flamboyancy?
What are you talking about?
You look quite sort
of quite straight.
I tell you what,
because when I come on the show,
I think only one person
should dress like a (BLEEP)
on TV at any given time.
Let's meet our other team.
Filling in for Fearne Cotton
while she is having a sprog, it is
Gino Sheffield d'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino!
Thank you.
So, when you have been a team
capitan, as you put it,
in the past, you always mash it up
when you introduce your panellists.
Yes, because I do big introductions.
B'pa, b'pa, b'pa! (MOCKS ITALIAN
ACCENT)
Gino, who is on your team?
On my, let me get up...
On my left...
He has got a card!
He has got a card.
On my left is my favourite Geordie
after Ant, Dec,
Cheryl, Sarah Millican,
Alan Shearer, Sting...
Oh, come on. Jimmy Nail,
who the fuck is Jimmy Nail?
Anyway, it is Chris Ramsey.
And on my right,
she is the landlady of the Queen Vic
and now she is going to be the new
star of Strictly Come... Dancing.
It is Kellie Brook. Oh, Kellie
Bright.
Kellie Bright. Kell
In all seriousness, out of 10
episodes, I am going to win six.
Yes, I will. No way. Let's have a
proper bet. Let's have a proper bet.
Anything you want.
Are you growing your hair? Yes.
I bet you if you do not
with more shows than Holly,
I get to shave your hair off.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Do you remember last series you lost
every single week?
If you win, I will let you host
the first episode
of the next series, which will be
shambolic, but I will let you do it.
You have got a deal. Yes?
I will host the first show of the
next series?
and these are my sweet-arse titles.
There is Holly Williboozy
coming out of a giant clam.
Check out those bangers, boys.
There is Gino d'Acampo
who is covering for Fearne
while she is off having a baby.
How is that possible?
We are all here in heaven
but do not worry, we are not dead.
It is just an overelaborate metaphor
for how great this show is.
We are still here to make
the best telly show on telly.
What is that telly show on telly?
You know what it is,
it is Celebrity Juice on telly.
HD ready. Hi. Yeah!
Whoo-hoo!
Ye-e-es!
Yes!
Hoora-a-a-ah!
Welcome back to a brand-new series
of Celebrity Juice. Yes!
I could not do it without our team
captains so let's meet them,
it is Holly Willoughboozy!
Boozy?
I would let you fart in my mouth.
I will take that as a yes.
I am so proud to work with you.
Oh, thanks.
You are the fittest woman
on television. Oh, please.
I am telling you, I have masturbated
to you when you do This Morning.
Until I get a scar. Stop, stop.
You know what?
I enjoy you so much with
Phillip Schofield that sometimes
I think about him
as well. Who is on your team, Holly?
On my team tonight, to my right
is the legend that is Jonathan Ross.
And on my left, he is the naughty
boy of Chelsea, it is Jamie Laing.
Jonathan Ross in the hizoose.
Looking very smart.
Thank you. Thank you. So are you.
Have you got a job interview after?
What has happened
to your flamboyancy?
What do you mean, my flamboyancy?
What are you talking about?
You look quite sort
of quite straight.
I tell you what,
because when I come on the show,
I think only one person
should dress like a (BLEEP)
on TV at any given time.
Let's meet our other team.
Filling in for Fearne Cotton
while she is having a sprog, it is
Gino Sheffield d'Acampo.
AUDIENCE: Gino! Gino! Gino!
Thank you.
So, when you have been a team
capitan, as you put it,
in the past, you always mash it up
when you introduce your panellists.
Yes, because I do big introductions.
B'pa, b'pa, b'pa! (MOCKS ITALIAN
ACCENT)
Gino, who is on your team?
On my, let me get up...
On my left...
He has got a card!
He has got a card.
On my left is my favourite Geordie
after Ant, Dec,
Cheryl, Sarah Millican,
Alan Shearer, Sting...
Oh, come on. Jimmy Nail,
who the fuck is Jimmy Nail?
Anyway, it is Chris Ramsey.
And on my right,
she is the landlady of the Queen Vic
and now she is going to be the new
star of Strictly Come... Dancing.
It is Kellie Brook. Oh, Kellie
Bright.
Kellie Bright. Kell
In all seriousness, out of 10
episodes, I am going to win six.
Yes, I will. No way. Let's have a
proper bet. Let's have a proper bet.
Anything you want.
Are you growing your hair? Yes.
I bet you if you do not
with more shows than Holly,
I get to shave your hair off.
AUDIENCE: Ooh!
Do you remember last series you lost
every single week?
If you win, I will let you host
the first episode
of the next series, which will be
shambolic, but I will let you do it.
You have got a deal. Yes?
I will host the first show of the
next series?