Celebrity Ex on the Beach (2014–2020): Season 6, Episode 1 - Episode #6.1 - full transcript

Let the fun commence.

(cheering)

'Ex on the Beach is back.'

'Eight new unsuspecting singles
are looking for love.'

'But what they don't know is...'
Fuck.

'...there are more exes
than ever before.'

My arse just fell out me shorts.
You cheated on me!

Stop acting the fucking big man!

You are my best friend
and I wouldn't do that to you!

'And they're flying in
from everywhere.'

'Some exes want romance.'



I do really, really love him

'Some want revenge.'

(screaming)
Both of you, let go now!

Let go now!

No-one fucking likes you!
See ya later.

'And others just want to
wreck the gaff.'

Hey!

That'll be someone's fucking head
in a minute.

'As always, the Tablet of Terror
is topping up the torment...'

It's gonna be fucking fireworks.
'...casing misery...'

(sobs)
What am I gonna do?

You will never ever have me
ever again.

'...mayhem...'
You fucking dickhead!

(shouting)
'...and madness.'



Oh!
'It's gonna get explosive'

And fucking what?!
Ooh!

Fucking slag!

I hate her guts.
Slag, slag, slag, slag, slag.

Me heart is breaking.

'Heading full throttle to the beach
is our first sexy single, Josh.'

'If anyone can make 'em laugh,
he can.'

I've never been in love before,

but I've made love to
several girls at once.

Hashtag fill your boots up. Wahey!
(laughs)

I am a naughty little fucker.

I love women and women love me.

(laughs)

I've got the full package.

(laughs)

First one in. What you sayin'?

I can't fuckin' wait for this, you
know. I'm a ten out of ten, baby.

(laughs)

Let's do this.
Show me the fuckin' sorts.

'Bang on cue,
here's posh uni student Maisie.'

'She's also a VIP hostess

and loves nothing more
than feeding her donkeys.'

'No, really.'

I am very aware of
being the posh totty.

But there's more to me than wealth.

I can get leathered down the
fucking back streets of Cardiff.

And I really like a bit of rough.

I'd get myself 11 out of ten
for looks.

Only because 11 is
my favourite number.

I'm Maisie.
Daisy?Maisie.

You all right?
Josh is unbelievably good looking.

What's your type?
You.

Easy.
More tattoos, though.Right.

Do you have any?
No.

That's fine.
Give us a spin.

You're in good nick. Yeah,
this new girl, Maisie or Daisy,

got a right crackin' arse.

I'm lookin' to either get me tongue
in between her shit box or me cock.

'Oh, what a charmer.'
Wahey!

If any more fit boys come in,

I don't think I'm gonna know
what to do with myself.

'Sexy single number three is Sean.
He's a stripper with a big...'

'...personality.'

I like to think of myself
as a modern day Jack Sparrow.

I'm just a pirate
looking for my treasure. Arr.

Trust me, girls do not yawn
when they're shagging Sean.

I mean, that's gotta be
nine inches, ain't it?

Fucking hell, you're shredded,
aren't you, lad? (laughs)

See ya later, Josh.

I'm a big fan of tattoos. Which
ones have you got? Can I see? Ah!

Already showing interest.
What do you do?Stripper.

I say I'm a stripper, she's on
the floor and she wants a dance.

Shall I split my legs? Oh, fuck.

My fanny's tingling. And all I
can think is, Sean ticks my ox.

You're absolutely amazing.

'Guaranteed to keep the temperature's
rising is glamour model Harriette.'

I'm so sick of bad boys.

I need a real man.
I need a soldier.

(dog growls)

If a guy thinks that
he's gonna get with me

on the first night of meeting me,
you've got another thing coming.

I'm just not that kind of girl.
I'm actually quite feisty.

I like to use... my brain

to figure out, erm, exactly what is,

like, the deal with everything.

I'm coming out there to show boys
exactly what I can do.

What's happening?
Hi, guys.Hi, you all right?

What do you do, babe?
I'm a glamour model.

Really?
Yeah.

What do you do?
Journalism and politics at Cardiff.

Wow.
Yeah.

Harriette is fit as fuck.
I'll graft on her.

I'm gonna massage her pass-age
with my saus-age.

You looking to have fun or what?

Erm...

Yeah, obviously I wanna have fun.
Josh is really friendly.

Don't really like nice guys,
to be fair.

Maybe it's a change.

'Looks like these suckers
haven't yet figured out

their entire world
is gonna get ripped to shreds,

as more exes than ever before
are piling in, ready to cause chaos

for everyone.'

'Next to grace us with his Greek
god-like presence is Alex.'

'He's got a body to die for
and the banter to match.'

Life's not about the amount
of breaths you take,

it's about the moments
that take your breath away.

I used to be a massive geek
until I got the sweet of vagina,

and ever since then, I've just been
playing girls, not video games.

(groans) I feel like if you
give off a positive vibe,

you're giving off good vibes.

S'appening, bro?
Nice to meet you, bro.

Josh, mate. What the fuck
are them shorts he's got on?

He looks ridiculous.

They do look, like,
fucking right bright.

You gotta stand out.
Exactly.

Alex, I feel like my mum
would just love him.

She'd wanna have a cup of tea
with him. Yeah, really cute.

'Hoping for a fairy-tale ending
is Zahida,

an angel of the north,
but with a devilish side.'

The person I wish I could be
more like is Mother Teresa.

She never flashed her shoulder
or her ankle in her life,

never mind her boob. Unlike me.

When it comes to boys,
I'm definitely possessive, psycho.

This is a girl who fancies
my ex-boyfriends

and she's burning into flames.

I've followed my ex-boyfriend,
spied on him.

Yes, I've took it that far.
Don't judge me.

Be scared of me because I'm
fucking mental. (laughs)

Hi.

Zahida.
Have a drink.

Thank you. I need one.She's
rocking that bikini really well.

Love to get my teeth in that.
What kind of guy are you into?

Someone big, loves a drink and won't
tell us off for saying "cunt".

Zahida turns up,
she's loud, in your face.

I can see it getting annoying.
What do you do?

Modelling, dancing, fire breathing.

Yeah, a little bit same.
What do you do?

Naked butler, stripper.
Stripper?

Was, yeah.
Cheeky.

Looking at Sean, I do fancy him.
I want to crack on with him.

Do you have tattoos on your back?
Only some.Give us a twirl.

Can you not touch my man, please?

'Now, here's Zaralena. She's a dog
lover who runs a fashion empire

from her living room. Impressive.'

I'm thick as pig shit,
so I was like, "What can I do?"

So I just started making dresses
and now, boom.(dog whimpers)

I rarely wear short skirts,
but I like see-through things.

I don't like anything slutty
or trashy looking.

Coco?!

In ten years time, it would be nice
to have a nice partner and a family,

but knowing my luck,
I'll end up having ten Chihuahuas.

(barking)
She's ruined it. Little fucker.

Hi.
You all right?

This little rocket rocks up
called Zara... lena.

Hello.

Dark hair, dark skin, great body.

Bang on my type.

High fives all round.
Thank you.

Welcome to the group.
First impression of the guys,

there's a few hotties there.

What's your type, babe?
Tall, blue eyes...

I'm not describing you.

(laughter)
Chill out, chill out.

(laughs) She's a grafter.
Gonna have to have to graft her.

'Last but not least is Ross.
He's no stranger to the beach.'

I was the first ever ex
to come out of the sea.

Oh, my God!
I'm newly single and I'm back.

'But unlike the others,
he knows exactly why he's here.'

I'm feeling fresher than ever,
bigger than ever, more tattoos,

got white hair.
I'm gonna go back there and kill it.

For me, style's a big thing,
whether you're a guy or a girl.

Some people have it, some don't.
Luckily, I've got it.

Here we go again.

There's this guy
walking towards me...

Oh, my God. This guy's hot.

Hi, babe. You all right?
I'm Harriette.

Ross. Nice to meet you.
What is up with that hair?

Looks like a blue rinse.

I'm buzzing.
It's nice to see everyone.

Gonna try and be the alpha male,
ain't he?

I'm the alpha male, Ross. I am.

So, what kind of bird
you looking for?

Her.
(laughter)

I'm making it clear that I fancy
Harriette. We'll see what happens.

Forward, I like it.

I think I'm in there.

'Harriette's happy, but Ross's
arrival is causing suspicion

among the clueless.'

I recognise your face.I did the
first series of Ex on the Beach.

Ex on the Beach?
I was the first ex.

I feel sick now.

Why?
Have you all got, like, bad exes?

Yes.
Yes.

'Surely one of them's gonna twig?'

'Er, anyone?'

'Nah? Maybe this'll help.'
(tablet chimes)

Oh, what's that?

(gasps) Oh! No.

Oh, I don't want this
to be going on now.

Right, what the fuck's going on?

"Welcome, everyone.
This no ordinary holiday."

"You're On Ex on the Beach.'

For fuck's sake.

This is a fucking joke.

What the fuck have I
let myself in for?

'Well, that's the bad news
out of the way.'

'Over to Sean to deliver the good.'

"It's date time.
Ross and Harriette..."

Ooh.
Oh. That's it, then.

"...you're off on a
mesmerising date together,

but will it be food
or will it be love?"

I'm well chuffed.
I'm a bit gutted.

Jealous?
Little bastard.

Every single guy here fancies her.
I've got her.

'While Ross and Harriette
head off on their date...'

'...the rest are let loose
on their new luxury villa.'

Oh, my God.

This villa is fucking mega.

Pool's sick,
the little garden is sick.

(screams)

Outside double bed. Imagine doing
doggy on that, with those views.

'You can even live out
your fantasies inside.'

'And if you're really lucky, get
the keys to the private penthouse.'

'But right now, all eyes are
on the big letter outside.'

Fucking hell!
Helipad!

I don't think it's big enough
for my chopper. Wahey!

We're all having a good time,
an ex lands on that.Fuck that.

'All right, Alex,
spoil the fun, why don't you?'

Who do you fancy?
Anyone for Alex?

(laughs)
There's someone called Alex?

Josh really fancies you.
Really?

Yeah.
We'll see. What about you?

I like Sean. Tall, tattooed.

I like Sean as well.
Are we gonna have a problem?

Sean is a solid ten out of ten.
Let the best girl fucking win.

Maisie's no competition to me
at all.

She's not got a chance.

'As rivalries mount in the villa,
Ross and Harriette only have eyes

for each other.'

As cringey as it sounds,
you pretty much, from head to toe,

are my type.
Really?

Yeah.
You're so full of it.

I'm not.
Pinkie promise?

Pinkie promise.
I ain't chatting shit.Cute.

He's really hot. (laughs)

Shall we have a shot?
Yeah.

Cheers.
Cheers.

For me, Harriette's the only girl
in here that I like.

(coughs) It's made my chest warm.

I don't wanna leave this date
without a kiss.

I wanna go back to the villa
with her.

I think we should have
another shot.

You want to kiss me, don't you?
No!

(laughs) Joking.
On the first date?

No, it is not.

Do you wanna kiss me?
Yeah.

I don't know how he managed it.

A few shots of Ouzo,
kissed the bird. Winner.

Get me back to the villa.

You're gonna have to pull me up
both hands. (laughs)

'It's their first night together,
and that means only one thing.'

(chatter)

The drinks are flowing and
everyone's having a good night.

I do think Zara fancies me a bit.

I'm just gonna try and crack on
with her, aren't I?

I am loving this.

Let's fucking spin the fucker.

(laughs) Sean.

Every time Sean comes near us,
I get a bit of a fanny flutter.

(cheering)

It takes one spin
to ruin everything.

Here she goes.

You don't need to do that.

You don't have to do a dare.
Sticking up for us.

Yeah, I wouldn't do that.
I'd tell you to fuck yourself.

I'm not a shit-bag.

Why would anyone want to
suck on Josh's toe?

He ain't royalty.
I'll lick his toe for the craic.

I don't mind getting a toe in me
mouth, nose, arsehole. Whatever.

(laughter)

wasn't as bad as I thought.
Could've washed them.

Fuck's sake.

I'm not a shit-bag.
I wouldn't do it.

You're so negative.
Zara's taking everyone so seriously.

She's boring as fuck.

Oh, the guy pisses me off.
(groans)

She's a sponge fun.
She's soaking up all the fun.

Excuse me, babe, don't come back.

Josh is just being
an absolute cannon,

pissing birds off for fun.
He definitely ain't pulling no-one.

They all hate on me.
Whatever. Fuck 'em.

'Looks like the villa's
already starting to crack.'

'But will it crumble to the ground
when the exes start to roll in?'

'First arrival, T-minus 12 hours.'

'The fun and games might be over, but
one thing is just getting started.'

(tablet chimes)

Oh.
Fuck's sake.

Everybody's on edge.
I don't like this tablet.

"It's time for two lucky people
to see inside the penthouse."

(groans)
"It's you, Zahida, and Sean."

(all cheer)

Oh, my fucking Lord!

It's going down.

Zee's been all over me today.
We're definitely gonna bang.

Enjoy, guys, anyway.
Have a good night.

Have fun, guys.
Bye, Maisie! (laughs)

How are you feeling about that?
It's cool.

As long as they have fun,
that's all that matters.

I'm actually fucking gutted.
I wanna take that tablet,

shove it up someone's arse.

Champagne as well. Oh, my God.
(laughs)

'As Sean heads for the finish line
with Zahida,

Ross is still struggling
to get started.'

I honestly do like you.

'Aww, how sweet.'
I promise you.

I'm hoping, tonight, we'll end up
staying in bed together.

I'd love something to happen,
but I'm not gonna push it.

(laughs) You're smitten.

I honestly didn't think that
I was gonna connect with a guy

on the first night.

(laughs)

A little cuddle would be nice,
with Ross.

But that's as far as it's gonna go.

I've got morals.

'Morals?'

'If only everyone in the villa
had those.'

Obviously, first night
is not acceptable.

But after 12:00, it's a new day,
new beginning.

Let's go to bed together, Sean.
Goodnight.

(moans)

I knew it was gonna happen. (laughs)

(laughter)

Tell us all.

Did you have a kiss?

(laughter)

I knew always,
I was gonna bang first.

Go on then, is she decent in bed?

(gasps) What?

I like to think Zahida's out of the
picture. I'm feeling quite happy.

I won't stop until he comes.

Oh, my... That quick?

Oh, my God. I feel so sorry for you.

You were bored.
(laughter)

Tomorrow, I cannot wait
just to drop him in it.

Fucking this is what I live for.
I think it's gonna be right funny.

(laughs)

I've woke up this morning,
I'm laying next to Ross,

feeling pretty good.

Things are going amazing with
Harriette. She's hot, I fancy her.

But why the fuck's
she got a jumper on?

If you're cold, babe,
I'll keep you warm.

You all right?

(laughter)

Realised that I was
a bit harsh on Zara.

She's a nice enough girl. My plan of
action is to do the baby footsteps

until someone else fitter comes in.

(laughs)

My first night in the villa
was amazing.

Someone had to christen
the penthouse.

I think she's expecting round two.
I just want breakfast.

Morning.

Let the fun commence.

So, how were last night?
Fucking great, wasn't it?

Was it? You have a good time?
Banged, didn't we?

Did you? Decent?

Fell asleep on us.

Did you fall asleep on him?
I think so.

(laughter)

There's literally nothing
to not laugh at with that.

Fuck off, Maisie. I can hint
a little bit of jealousy.

So, was it a good experience then?
That's all I want to know.

I think you're lying to me!

He will not stop mugging me off.

You rate her out of ten.
Oh, my God.

Awkward.

You gotta be honest,
you know what I mean.

We'll play it safe and say five.

Five out of fucking ten?

That's fucking shit!

Shame.
I've never been lower than an eight.

If that was me,
I'd be fucking fuming.

Aww, bless you.

'It's not been the best morning
for Zahida...'

(tablet chimes)

'...but this could make things
a whole lot worse.'

If that tablet fucks me over,
I'll launch it into the pool.

I actually feel a bit sick.

"The first ex is almost here."
Oh, my God.

"Will Maisie, Sean and Zahida
please make their way

down to the beach?"
I don't wanna go to the beach.

I am absolutely bricking it.

Me and Zahida shagged last night.
Let's just pray it's Maisie's ex.

My ex Joe could be coming in,
and I've already slept with someone.

I just want to cry.

If my ex-boyfriend finds out
I've had sex with Sean,

there's going to be
massive arguments

and he's going to get with someone
in front of me face.

He's gonna think I did it
for revenge.

Zahida's absolutely distraught.
She is the one that fucked up.

It's like I don't have
a leg to stand on now.

If me ex comes in,
I want to talk to him.

I just don't wanna see him.

It's really scary.

I've had to consider exes
who I didn't even remember I had.

And it's absolutely making me shit
myself. It's actually horrible.

The moment I see a girl walk down
there, I will fucking change.

Do they all hate you?
Pretty much, yeah.

After what happened with Zahida,
if it's my ex or hers, I'm fucked.

We had such a good night. This will
throw so much shit up in the air.

I can't deal with this.

I wasn't expecting to be here
straight away.

I've fucked it for myself.

God.

I think it's yours.
I definitely think it's yours.

Oh, my God.

'After last night's argument,

the Tablet of Terror sent Josh
and Zaralena on a wine tasting date.'

'Wonder if Josh will be
able to pop her cork.'

Let's get this
over and done with then.

(laughs) You prick.

This date with me and Zara, I think,
is gonna be slightly awkward

cos of last night. But I'm
willing to smooth it all over.

Don't really want him near me
right now.

Fucking hell.
This is gonna be a graft, innit?

I'm glad we've got this one-on-one,

give you a chance to say sorry
for being a prick.

Yeah, that was a bit out of order.
I'm sorry for that.

Wow.

Zara took the apology well.
Let's start grafting.

How many dates does it take
for a lad to get you in bed?

Three.
Three?

All right, sweet.
At least we've one out of the way.

He's a sweetie really.

How can you stay mad at that face?

Come closer, I don't smell.
I'm not gonna bite you.

What about if I'm after
a spoon tonight? (laughs)

We'll see what happens.

I think me and Zara
are gonna go back to the villa,

she's gonna spoon me...

...and fondle with me cock.

I can't look at this water
any more. I wanna cry.

I know for a fact
Zahida's fucking bricking it.

I can't imagine any of my exes
kicking off with me.

But I've not shagged anyone,
so I'm good.

Oh, my God.

Maybe think positively.
Maybe. I'm not sure.

I mean, you've shagged Sean, but...
Yeah, you're living it.

Maisie's fucking really
getting on me fucking tits.

I'm absolutely sick to death
of that girl now.

I'm not gonna just sit there
and let him do it.

He'll just go with anyone.

I can't believe
this is going to happen

and I've just fucked it for myself.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oi, oi. We fucking swerved it.
(laughs)

All right?

(sobs) Oh, my God.
What am I gonna do?

What's the matter?
(sobs)

What do you mean?
What are you doing here?

What you been doing?

(sighs) Joey, you broke up with me.
Right.

What have you been doing?
Stop making that face.

I'm Joe, I'm from Newcastle,
I've touched the lives of many

and the fanny of many more.

On a night out,
I'm absolutely mental.

I don't give a shit
what I say to anyone.

And I get myself into
quite a bit of bother sometimes.

(laughs)

When it comes to lasses,
the fitter they are,

the more psycho they are.

My ex is an absolute nutcase.
When it were bad, it was the worst.

But I love her to pieces.

I'm here today so I can hopefully
sort things out with Zahida.

You look proper pissed off.

Zahida's the only girl
I've ever loved,

but she's also the only girl
that's ever made us lose me rag.

If she got with anyone here,
it would really hurt us.

I just feel devastated. If I
have to tell him what's happened,

he's gonna tell us to do one.

Has she done anything
since I've been away?

We stayed together last night.
What did yous do?

Fuck off.

You shagged her?
Straight up, yeah.

You're a s...

(sighs)

I fucking do not even
wanna look at her.

I knew. I knew!

You're a little slag. I knew it!
No.

You are! You are!

Fuck!
He's not happy.

You've turned up on a fucking beach,
and on the first night,

you've shagged someone.

(yells)

Fucking hell.
You are the one who ended things.

You just told me you shagged someone.
I couldn't give a fuck!

I'd be fucked off,
but this guy is fucking off it.

I'm not kidding, you've fucked it.
No!

You will never have me ever again.

What did you come here for?
To find out what you've done, right?

|And then, if you've done something,
you can have him. He's all yours.

It's gone so bad.

What's your name?
Maisie.

Fuck off!
(laughs)

Are you fucking joking?
Definitely my type.

If he calms down,
maybe he can have me.

Maisie, you're gorgeous, you, like.
Thank you.

She's fucking rank!
What was your name?

Sean, mate. No hard feelings.
Mate, it's her. It's not me.

I'm so happy that
I'm not with her now.

That's the idiot I've been
trying to fucking love.

I'm here to have a good time, make
pals and fucking shag some lasses.

See ya later.

So, what do you think the craic is?
I think it's Zee's ex.

I think it is as well.

It's Joe! It's fucking Joe.

He's here. He's out there.

What?
What?

It's not fucking funny.
I don't want to be here.

This is not gonna be good, mate.

Hello!

Oi, oi.
What's happening, geez?

All right?

This guy walks in,
I don't trust him for a minute.

Hi, babe. I'm Harriette.

Trying to make a good impression.

And Zahida thinks she can
just sit next to us.

Don't sit next to me.
Fuck off. You fucking move.

Go over there. Fucking idiot.

Who's let her sit next to me?
Fucking hell.

Oh, my God. This is gonna kick off.

Yous aren't understanding...
Whys are you still talking?

You fucking came and said...
Your voice just fucking grates on me.

Don't touch us.
Let me fucking speak.

You've had your fucking say.
You've had your shag.

(laughter) You've slutted about
on the first night. Fucking idiot.

Anyway...
She's an absolute nutcase. Have her.

She's made her bed,
she can lie in it.

I'm gonna lie in someone else's.

Howay, by the way, Maisie.

Hi. Sorry. You OK?
Yeah, stop...

No, Maisie, do not go near Joe.

Stop fucking flirting with him
in front of my face.

You've been a bitch at the beach.
Fuck you, Zahida. I'm 100% in there.

Talk about being desperate.
Oh, sorry, Mrs Penthouse.

(laughter)

'Sounds like Joe's
just getting warmed up.'

'But who'll be getting burnt
when the next ex arrives?'

'T-minus 15 hours.'

'After Joe's dramatic arrival, it
seems love birds Ross and Harriette

are getting twitchy.'

You better not be psycho.
I'm not.

Well, I am. But I'm not psycho
like that, as in bad psycho.

'Seeing how everyone's reacted
to the exes coming in tonight,

if that happens to me and Harriette,
I am slightly worried.

Things are starting to get
really real with Ross.

If my ex comes in now, it's gonna
literally turn things upside down.

'Don't worry, you can always
rely on Alex to keep watch.'

'It looks like Zahida is not letting
Joe out of her sight any time soon.'

No.
Please?

Get over there, please.

She is the biggest nutcase
you've ever met.

I couldn't think of anything worse
than talking to her now.

I'm not being made to
look like a prick

when you've done all this
bollocks to me. (sighs)

I'm sorry. I just love you.

I love you.
You don't.

Yes, I fucking do.

Joe, I really love you.

No matter how much I try to tell him
I love him, he's not listening.

I love you.
You don't.

I do love you.
You don't.

So, she keeps just yapping on
in me ear

and I just want her to shut
the fuck up. Don't walk away.

Come here.
Don't touch us.

Why?
Cos I don't want you to.

Maybe I need to move on and let go.

But I can't.
Get off us, please.

What are you doing?
Hugging you.

Me heart is breaking.

'Somebody needs to be rescued.'

'But what could possibly
throw them a lifeline?'

(tablet chimes)

(all exclaim)

Tablet of Terror, fuck you.

"Joe, welcome to the villa.'

'It's time for you and Maisie
to take it to the next level."

"Enjoy the penthouse."
Fuck's sake!

Yes. That's exactly what
I wanted for tonight, like.

"Tablet of Terror"?
More like "Tablet of Treasure".

Right, let's do this.
It's all right, Zee.

Fucking hell. Right, guys.

Right, have a good 'un.
See ya later.

All I've done is cry tonight.

And thinking about them walking
upstairs is setting us off again.

Enjoy.
Bye, guys.

Fuck off, you slut.

(laughter)

I've got no loyalties to Zahida.

I'm not a slag, but fuck me,
am I gonna have a good time.

Just grin and bear it, honestly.
Just grin and bear it.

I'm not letting him have
a happy fucking life in here.

If he's ruining mine, I'll ruin his.
And I'll ruin hers as well.

(laughs)

Oh, she's a fucking nutter.
She don't give a fuck, mate.

Zee flips out, she's lost her head.
She's fucking nuts.

I just can't deal with
another fucking nutter.

It's just so hard when you've got
a girl like that downstairs.

Oh, she's going in!
(screaming, laughter)

What are you doing?
Hi.You OK?

Are you having a fucking laugh?
Can you get out?

No, I was just bringing
the plant pot in.

Get out, please.
No, I'm coming in.

You're not.
I am not moving.

Get out.
I'm trying to fucking do me thing.

Oh, he's having a hard time.
Shit, mate.

Zahida's proper losing
her fucking shit tonight.

I like the girl, but when she's like
this, I can't be dealing with it.

No! I'm not done!

Fucking hell.

If she wants to kick off,
she can do that.

As long as I'm balls deep later,
I don't give a fuck. Fuck off!

'With Zahida finally
out of the picture,

Joe and Maisie are left to
take things to the next level.'

'Surely nothing can
distract them now.'

Oh, I can't see. (squeals)
'Maybe not.'

My conkers, my conkers.
Go.

Yes, geezer.

There's absolutely no fucking way

they're gonna have
a peaceful night in there.

Maisie?
Maisie?

Maisie!

Look at them!

All Maisie wants to do is get her
big, massive fanny fucking wet.

She's rank.
No, they're, like, on the wall.

Something's burning in the back of
my head. Oh, yeah, Zahida's eyes.

And she's just lowering herself
and lowering herself

in my estimations of her.
Shutting the curtains.

Well, that's confirmed everything
I needed to know then.

All I wanna do is cuddle him,
and he's fucking cuddling her.

'After an eventful day and night,
a tired and emotional Zahida

ends up in bed alone.'

'Unlike Joe,
who's getting frisky with Maisie.'

'And Josh, who had one last try
with the loveable Zaralena.'

'Not to worry,
Ross isn't getting any either.'

So, last night,
when the first ex arrived,

it made me feel really unnerved
about the whole situation

with me and Ross.

If my ex comes in,
or his ex comes in,

it could change the whole goal post.

Oh, fucking hell.

For things to change
with me and Harriette,

she'd have to fuck something up.
I'm 100% committed to her,

so I'm not gonna be the one.

I wake up this morning,
and Zara's next to me...

...stiff as a plank. (laughs)

We was meant to have
a spoon last night.

Fucking hard nut to crack. I thought
she were a nun at one point.

Josh is a good looking guy.

I just don't know if it's
friend zone or not.

I think I need a bit more time.

If a fit girl walks in,
I'd probably crack on with them.

So, bring them in.

Morning wood.

(laughs)

Had a wicked night with Maisie.
I didn't quite get the bang,

but I got to feed the pony.
You're such a flirt.

She had a fanny like a hippo's yawn.

morning, campers.

Joe's got great fingers, he's a
good kiss.What happened up there?

A bit of a fondle.

I am really proud of myself.
Didn't split my legs.

I can just show Zahida
you don't have to get your leg over

first time you meet someone.
Morning.

Yesterday was a screaming match.
It's absolutely drained us.

Not looking forward to breakfast.

So, what did I miss?

Basically, just a bit of fondling
happened last night.

Finger blasting. Necking on.
(laughter)

Dry humping, minus the dry.

It's like he's getting
some satisfaction out of it.

Who does that to someone?

Aye, we didn't fuck on the
first night, unlike some.

I hope you're happy about that.
I can't be arsed to argue.

I haven't slept.
I just can't be bothered.

He's going to regret
what he's done with Maisie.

Cos let's face it,
she's fucking rank.

'Zahida's pulling no punches,

but who's going to find themselves
on the ropes

when the next ex comes out fighting?'

(evil laugh)

Yes!

'While Joe and Maisie continue to
rub it in Zahida's face...'

There you go, babe.

'...the rest of the villa
is still smiling.'

'As if that's going to last.'

(tablet chimes)

For fuck's sake, man.

That tablet needs to do one.

Fuck. This fucking tablet
could change everything.

"You all look so hot."

"Let's give you something
to really sweat about."

"Ross..."
Fucking hell.

"...Josh... and Zaralena,
off to the beach for you."

Nice one Tablet of Terror,
you twat.

(laughter)
Show me the fucking beach!

I'm hoping that it's one of
Ross's exes that come in

and she's a fucking rocket.
I knew it'd be me.

Let's go, babe. Come on.

If a particular ex comes on,
shit is gonna hit the fan.

Got nothing to worry about, anyway.
You know that, don't you?

I really don't want him to
go to the beach.

I'm gonna get separation issues.

If I were you,
I would have at least got tongues in.

Cos that coulda been the last kiss.

'The Tablet of Terror
isn't all doom and gloom.'

'Zahida's jumped at the chance
to escape from the villa

and get a strong stud
between her thighs.'

'And Sean's up for the ride, too.'

After everything Zahida went
through, I'll put the charm on.

Nice bum.
Make her smile.

Yours is nice, too.
Give her lots of attention.

But I want the attention as well.

You look more scared than me.
I'm fucking shitting it.

(laughs) This is just
the distraction I needed.

I feel like, if it wasn't for Sean,
I might have packed me bags.

Why do you think you lost it
so much last night?

I just don't know
where me head's at.

Cos obviously I still love Joe,
but it's just so destructive.

He's mugged you off enough now.

And together,
you are literally just poison.

You're shit together.

I'll be honest with you,
one of the worst couples I've seen.

Zahida definitely still has feelings
for Joe, but we just get on.

We bounce off each other,
we have fun.

I'd rather be here with you than
any of the other girls.Really?

You give us butterflies.
Give you butterflies?Yeah.

The more time I spend with Sean,
can't help but like him more.

And I haven't had this feeling
since I met Joe.

See, this is a better view. This is
where I should've been all day.

She's got a decent arse on her,
a decent body and boobs.

I wanted to take her off that horse,
squeeze her bum and just neck on.

Are you just picking us up?

Had a good day?
Mm-hmm. Have you?Mm.

Knight in shining armour, isn't he?

I'm really shitting myself, I am.

Fucking hell.

I've been a bit of a bad boy
in the past.

So anything could fucking
walk out of that water.

So, Ross, what about if it's your ex
that you're just split up from?

Mate, I'd prefer you to go on a date
with her than me all day long.

She could ruin everything
me and Harriette.

For me, the worst ex
would be Jasmine.

I'm over her, she's not over me.

but she would be her
to fuck shit up.

If one of your exes comes in now...

He's gonna fuck shit up, isn't he?
If any ex comes on, it's drama.

Me and Josh are just
starting to bond,

so if Josh's ex comes on
giving me shit, I ain't taking it.

You've been way too quiet
about if it's your ex.

The quietest you've been the whole
time.I'm fucking shitting meself.

If one of my bad exes
come out this water,

I am fucking done.

Not gonna lie, my head's gone.

My fucking arsehole's
got his own heartbeat, mate.

Josh looks like he's
about to lay a turd.

If just had a nervous pump.
That's gonna smell right bad.

Yes!
What's happening?

How you doing, babe?
Woo!

She's a good ex,
but I'm still a bit nervous here.

Cos I don't know how Nicole
is gonna be with me.

So, how are you anyway?

Not too bad.
Oh, my God. She's a worldie.

This could change things a lot.