Celebrity Ex on the Beach (2014–2020): Season 5, Episode 3 - Episode #5.3 - full transcript
'Ex on the Beach is back.'
'This time, it's all-stars.'
'Old faces return for another shot
at finding love.'
Am I looking for love? Fucking yeah.
'They'll have to endure their exes.'
I've never, ever felt
like this in my life.
'Some will have to deal
with old grudges.'
You've had more dicks
than I've had sunbeds.
'As hard as they try to find
their perfect match...'
Right. Who wants to finger me?
'...standing in their way once again
will be the Tablet of Terror.'
I won't lie.
I'm cacking myself big time.
'It's going to be hotter
than ever before.'
I'm gonna ride her tonight.
Giddy up, Amy.
'As emotions boil over.'
You made me realise
there's more to life
than what I was just doing.
'Tensions run high.'
(shouting)
Let's fucking go, kid.
'And the claws come out.'
(shouting)
'So far, three exes have arrived.'
'But whose...'
She is the most toxic person
I've ever met.
'Ex...
...is...
...next?'
I did not think
I was gonna feel like this.
You tried to mug us off
in front of the whole world.
Hawley is the love of my life.
Wait till he finds out
that his mate Gaz has fucked his ex.
The first night,
Jemma and him fucked.
Does he think
he can get away with that?
You two fucked each other.
I fucked Gaz once. You fucking
shagged the whole of Newcastle!
You shagged everybody.
I do have one secret
I've gotta tell him.
I did get with Scott.
Fucking hell, man.
I wanna be loved. Who do you fancy?
Me or Jordan?
You called her a dogger.
You're a wanker. Get away from me.
It's time to send someone home.
Chloe, you gotta go, mate.
You're boring.
What, cos you can't
get in my fucking fanny?
Charlotte? Yes!
Charlotte coming in as my ex,
I could not be happier.
Gaz takes me to the penthouse.
On the way,
we just bumped in to Liv.
Last night was fucked up. I'd say
the best night I've ever had.
I got to send Chloe home.
Ding-dong, the witch is gone.
Follow the yellow brick road,
fuck off!
Now Chloe's gone, I want some more
fun and I want some pussy.
I'm gonna pursue Charlotte tonight.
Today, I woke up feeling drained.
It's gonna be difficult for Hawley
to even see past what I've done.
I still very much am
in love with Hawley.
And I do want to sort things out.
Hawley getting with someone here
isn't going to happen.
That bitch will get fucked up.
They're not gonna fuck
in front of me.
My relationship with Jemma at the
moment is a head fuck.
It's one rule for Jemma
and one rule for me.
I need to come up with
some sort of plan of attack.
I woke up this morning, it was like
a dream. Olivia and Charlotte there.
I felt like a king.
Oh, my God.
I had a great night last night
nothing happened, just kisses.
We kept it classy. Not trashy.
There are a coupe of lads
that take my fancy.
I obviously like Gaz.
I would like to get to know
Bear a bit more
cos he does tickle my pickle.
Today, I've woken up
and I feel emotionally drained.
There's such a clique in this villa.
The boys just seem to bitch all the
time, I can't bounce off anyone.
I'm not having fun at all.
Since I've been here,
I've been a miserable bitch.
I've been getting aggy
and I've just not felt myself.
You're not going anywhere!
I am leaving.
What the fuck? Jess is leaving, too?
I just want to get home.
I came in here hoping for love, but
all these guys want is a cheap shag.
Bye. See ya.
I'm like, "Fucking get in!"
Another one bites the dust.
Is there nothing we can do?
No.
I don't think
the villa's gonna change much
cos she wasn't really getting
involved with the game.
We're all gonna have
a belting night tonight.
Play loads of games.
You look fit, man.
How are you?
Nice eyes, nice ears.
We could have the first kiss.
Boring. She hates me.
I don't kiss people on first dates.
She is a fun-sponge.
(shouting)
If I can charm Megan McKenna,
I can surely charm Jess.
Don't fucking push me!
Don't push me, then!
You're pushing me!
Fuck off!
Can you just fuck off?
Where am I gonna go?
I'm in Thailand.
(crying) Now I don't even
want to be here any more.
And I'm drunk.
'With Jess having left
to find some mature men,
the Tablet of Terror has sent Olivia
and Gaz to play with a big trunk.'
I'm scared.
He's so cute!
There's just this massive elephant.
He's massive.
Absolutely massive!
This doesn't happen often, something
with a bigger trunk than me.
'Yeah! Good one, Gaz.'
Look how big its trunk is.
Now he knows what it feels for girls
when they see his trunk.
We need to walk under her trunk.
Go on, Gary.
Underneath?
Oh, my God. You go first.
Ooh, you fucker.
If one of the ears hits me, it would
be like getting hit by Tyson Fury.
You can do it.
You wanna go?
I'll go first.
It's gonna get you!
I'm trying a little bit of a flirt,
but every time this elephant moves,
I shit myself.
I can't do it. I'm so scared.
It's fine.
Oh, my God.
Gaz is absolutely shitting himself.
He's terrified.
You're a little pussy.
Gaz is fit, we really get along,
and he's got a massive dick.
So, obviously I'm gonna
flirt with him.
I think last night,
if Charlotte wasn't in the bed,
I wouldn't have slept with you,
but it would have been
a lot harder not to.
Olivia's been amazing. I just bathed
an elephant in the jungle.
What more do you want?
'Olivia and Gaz may be getting on
like a house on fire for now,
but who will get burned when the next
old flame lights up the beach?'
(evil laugh)
Fuck off, you Tablet of Terror.
You slimy see-you-next-Tuesday.
I hate this bit.
Hello, all-stars.
It's that time again.
Can Bear, Hawley
and Kayleigh go to the beach?
Tablet of Terror, you mug!
(muffled scream)
I know exactly what's gonna happen,
it's either gonna be some Newcastle
slag with STI's.
If any girl comes off that beach
claiming to be Hawley's ex,
she's got another thing coming and
she's gonna know that I'm waiting.
It's gonna be Bear's ex and Hawley's
gonna go on a date with her.
That slag better watch out as well.
Jemma instantly kicks off, but she
hasn't got a foot to stand on.
I'm shitting myself.
I hate coming down this beach.
I'm looking forward to it.
Since I've been here,
I've had a shit time with Jemma.
Hopefully what comes out of the
water is gonna make life better.
For my ex to come out right now,
I think it's filth.
I don't wanna see a fella
get with my birds.
Or my ex-birds. It's not nice.
There is one ex in particular
that will send me off my game.
I'm not ready for that yet,
cos my game ain't really started.
Bad ex equals bad Kayleigh.
Bad Kayleigh equals game over.
I need a nervous poo, cos I dunno
what's gonna come out of the sea.
And I'm shitting myself.
I thought I'd feel nervous,
but I'm actually excited for...
I know why you're excited.
Yeah, it's about time I got revenge.
(laughs)
I know Hawley wants revenge today.
And I guarantee, if my bird comes
out today, he'll try to fuck her.
Which would piss me right off.
Do you reckon Jemma's gonna be happy
if you were to get with someone?
Hopefully not, like.
What leg does she have to stand on?
She doesn't have any
leg to stand on.
It's time she got a taste
of her own medicine.
I don't give a fuck what comes out,
if it's got a fanny, I'll fuck it.
'Spoken like a true gent.'
Oh, fucking hell, man.
Thank fuck I saw Holly,
she means fuck all to me.
Just a finger.
You look nice.
(hums a tune)
You all right, stranger?
My name's Holly. I'm coming back in
for my ex, Bear.
Bear's a massive dickhead,
but he's a massive worldy.
Everyone saw him
completely mug me off.
When he got with Vicky.
This year,
I'm the same bunny boiler,
but no-one's gonna
make me look like a mug.
I'm done with this convo.
You're full of shit.
I'm single. I'm horny. And this
beach better be full of sorts.
(laughs) I'm blushing.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, how you doing?
Fucking thank the lord.
This is Kayleigh.
She knows who I am.
(Holly)I hate her already.
I hate Kayleigh Morris.
I think she's a bully.
(Bear) Why, what's happened?
This is a fucking joke.
I fucking hate her.
What's your purpose for coming?
Well, I'm single. And last year,
someone made me look like a mug.
Yeah. Who?
Someone sat right next to me.
Well, I've been made to
look a mug, so...
Why? What happened?
Jemma Lucy.
Oh, yeah. Is Jemma there?
Oh, I will have one friend then.
I'm gonna be a little shit-stirrer.
If Jemma's been slagging me off,
she can fuck right off.
Is she joking?
She's meant to be a mate.
I wouldn't trust her.
OK. Well, I'll say something
to her when we get back.
So, apparently,
Jemma doesn't like me any more.
Hawley's a worldy.
See you later, Jemma. Hello, Hawley.
Didn't you get finger-blasted
by him on the show?
Babe, please don't try
and insinuate that I'm a slut.
You've had more dicks
than I've had sunbeds.
Her face irritates me.
You're so irrelevant, I don't need
to argue with you right now.
I've said...
Why are you so het up?
You're shouting at me.
Listen to yourself,
you're the one shouting.Shush.
Who are you telling to shush?
You.
Don't shush me.
I'll tell you where to go.
Who the fuck are you
telling to shush?
Don't fucking speak to me like that,
you little slag.
Shush. Shush. Shush your mouth
before I pop your lip-filler.
Say that to me
one more fucking time.Shush.
Fucking, don't call me a slag!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
These girls are fucking mental.
(shouting)
Fucking hell, I'm getting excited.
Don't come at me, I'll fuck you up!
Fuck off, you slag!
Don't get up in my face, babe.
I think she just ripped my eyelash.
You look beautiful, shush.
Skinny, scrawny, lanky little twat.
Holly does not realise she's walking
in to that villa with a big problem.
Oh, no.
Tablet of Terror, you're a penis.
A shrivelled penis.
"Welcome to the beach."
"It's date time for you and Hawley
with a local Thai apple."
No, "tipple".
I'm buzzing to go on a date with
a massive worldy and get drunk.
You're gonna get drunk tonight, man.
Go on a date with Holly,
more than likely get lucky.
And fuck over Jemma.
Hello.
Hello.
Me and Holly turn up
to this crazy little shack,
loads of radge bottles of potions.
Hard dick?
Hard dick?
Have some of that one.
It's fucking definitely
ready to play.
One, two, three.
OK. You can enjoy.
I quite liked the hard dick, if I'm
honest, I just hated the bee one.
Basically, I think we should mix
them all together, put them in this
and then we can name it.
Good shout. So, what's this?
Whiskey?
Yeah.
What was the name?
Strong dick.
Oh, I think that's strong dick.
I remember that one.
'It's time for Bear and Kayleigh to
break the news of the new arrival.'
Oh, my God.
Here we go.
I see Bear
and my heart starts racing.
What didn't happen
at the beach today?
Holly's arrived.
There's gonna be shit
going off in this villa.
It turns out, Kayleigh hates Holly.
They're both going at each other.
Insults, insults.
Next thing I know,
they've got each other by the hair.
Like, literally...
She went for me, so I had her by the
hair. In two seconds I went, boom.
I've never met this Holly,
but she's obviously a skanky slag.
What happened?
Hawley was a bit flirty with Holly,
giving her compliments.
And they've gone on a date.
He's on a date with Bear's ex,
Holly. Like, what the fuck?
What would you do if they kissed?
She'll get her hair pulled again.
I know that Hawley wants revenge
and Holly's a fucking easy bitch.
At the end of the day, if they get
together, I'll make her life hell.
Hawley's on a rampage at the minute.
He wants to bang. Only cos you two
got together. He's angry.
He wants to prove a point.
Bear is doing what Bear does. He
stirs shit up and makes it worse.
But it is actually quite funny.
All he's thinking was revenge.
(Jemma) I'll just get my revenge back
again. I'm sick of this game.
I'm going downstairs to make myself
look better than fucking Holly.
I wanna know everything.
What's happened?
I came here as Jemma's ex,
and then I found out she banged Gaz.
Then I sat down on a date
with her yesterday,
"By the way, your best mate, Scotty
T, I shagged him New Year's Eve."
No! Gemma sounds like
she's been a fucking bitch.
I would like to get revenge,
but it's like,
me stooping down to her level.
Yeah.
If I get with someone it's gonna be
cos I genuinely like them.
Hawley sounds like he's had
a hard time, I feel sorry for him.
I think you're the only lass
that I've been attracted to
cos everyone else has been a bitch.
Oh, what? So you only fancy me cos
everyone else has fucked you off?
I'd definitely get back with Jemma,
but let's see what happens.
Am I gonna get grief off Jemma
for being on date with you now?
You probably will, aye.
Well, she can fuck off, cos...
I'm having a good time, so fuck her.
I couldn't give a flying fuck
what happens back at the villa.
I'm gonna try and piss her off more.
Cheers to everyone being twats.
Twats, aye.
That's the fourth time
I spilt this down me.
Want me to lick it off?
Yeah, go on.
Go on, Hawley, down you go.
Lick it up.
Hopefully it's not the last time
I'm down there.
I reckon our Whiskey
should be called Neck On.
Sounds good to me. Cheers.
I think this guy's
got something in mind.
'Back at the villa, it seems Bear
is also keen to get necking on.'
'Maybe he's been
on the hard dick, too.'
The problem is, Char,
I haven't really spoken to you.
We haven't, have we?
Not had a one-to-one.
Swoopy time.
I done the radar.
Charlotte, babe, come on.
I need to talk to you.
Do you fancy me the most
out of all the boys?
Yeah. I think so, yeah.
Do you wanna hear a secret?
Go on.
I fancy you, too.
First night was hectic
for Charlotte.
Didn't know where she was. Easy.
Let's kiss Gaz.
She fancies me the most.
Do you know why?
Gaz is ugly and he's boring.
I'm the fucking G.
Can we have at least one baby?
Oh, yeah. Two.
I think our babies
would be fucking great.
We were both staring in to each
other's eyes, smizing our heads off.
And I just want to kiss him.
I want to kiss his fucking face off.
I wanna absolutely eat it like
it's a Victoria sponge or something.
(laughs)
To us.
To us.
Charlotte and Bear. Chair.
(laughs)
Tonight's the night when Bear
gets a bit of attention.
Never rush the pudding.
Let it set and bake.
Then you leave it.
Then you go back there,
but I'm not gonna rush this cookie.
'Waiting too long could be
a recipe for disaster,
with exes pouring in
hungrier than ever.'
'Whose ex is next?'
Who had the best craic
on today's date?
(cheering)
We're trying to take
Jemma's minds off the date.
Play games, have a laugh.
Do you want
another finger blast tonight?
(laughter)
'Don't you know the rules
of Mr and Mrs, Charlotte?'
My plan for tonight
is chill with Gary again.
He's the only guy I feel
natural sexual chemistry with.
We're having a good time,
letting our hair down.
Who do you think's better in bed?
Back of my mind I'm thinking
how my ex and a girl I know
are on a date together.
I can't deal with it.
'Well, that's one way
of dealing with it, Jemma.'
Really?
Why the fuck is it going off now?
"Hello, everyone. Greetings from
the date between Holly and Hawley."
"Drink it all in."
Oh, nah, it's pictures.
Fuck me.
Wow.
They've been on one date and
Hawley's got his face in her vagina.
Wow.
Oh, my fucking God!
Jem, don't look.
I haven't seen them yet. Can you
imagine what I'll do if I see them?
I'll end up off that balcony.
What the fuck's going on?
Oh, my fucking God!
The pictures are minging. Why would
you go there when you've got Jem?
You got them tits in your face,
why would you want her shit tits?
Are you fucking having a laugh?
Ssh, ssh.
You're not looking.
We were having such a good night.
Has he been shagging her?
No.
They're not shagging,
they're kissing.
His head's between her legs.
His face is in her pussy, yeah.
Are you mad?!
Right. Show me these
fucking pictures now!
You wanna play fucking games, yeah?
I'll play a game harder.
That tablet's gonna get smashed up.
Give it to me, Gaz.
I'll show you.
Fucking hate it.
I'm telling you now.
I will smash it. This isn't funny.
This is real.
I wanna smash it. I don't get angry,
but someone's winding me up!
I'll make a video of me sucking
someone's dick and send it to him.
In fact, I'll tie him up
so he can watch me do it.
He will never have this again.
She fucked you, she snogged Jordan.
What's her problem?
Hold on a minute, Jem.
You fucked Gaz!
Just shut up!
I'm telling you,
I'm not fucking having it!
They're snogging. They're snogging.
The prick that is Hawley
is trying to get revenge
with some sket who looks
like a fucking 12-year-old.
Right. Who wants to finger me?
I am loving this!
I don't want to be in here.
Calm down.
I can't deal with it.
(muffled)
(muffled)
They're not together. I don't know
why she's reacted like that.
It's ridiculous.
Jemma's fucking one of us tomorrow.
I would smash her.
Obviously licking a fucking shot
or something off her leg.
He wants to lick her minge.
'With one fight on the beach
under her belt,
it might be time for Holly
to put her gloves back on.'
'Ding-ding!'
(cheering)
Any good?
Aye. Decent, aye.
Made some Thai whiskey.
Hawley and Holly walk in,
smiling, chuffed with themselves.
They have no idea that I've just
seen pictures on that tablet.
Holly, you can't look me in the eye.
Well, I heard you've been
slagging me off, Jemma. So...
Straight away, Jemma's on me
like a fly on shit.
I heard you called me a slag.
Really?
Before this, how did the date go?
(Hawley) We had like whiskey and...
Is that it?
We did lots, babes.
Are you actually ready? Because
your hair's gonna be everywhere.
I've seen it babe,
I've got pictures.
The Tablet's fucked us over.
I don't care, I just told you.
So why you coming in the villa...
Cos you've been slagging me off!
What the fuck have I done?!
(shouting)
Jemma! Jemma! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I haven't ever done anything wrong.
(mimics Holly)
You fat cunt!
Every single night, someone's
hair's getting ripped out.
It's fucking crazy.
How can she even go on like that?
She's been necking on with Jordan.
She's a fucking little slut.
All I've had since I've been here
is aggro from you.
I went out and enjoyed myself
and you're kicking off.
She's the one
who's getting walloped off everyone.
I think you've got issues.
You've got issues, you prick.
Good shot.
Oh, what? Cos you can duck well?
Next time you won't able to.
Jemma's kicking off. (mimics Jemma)
Tits everywhere.
Fucking Jemma, shut up, man.
Do you fancy Holly?
Do you want to bang her?
She's a good-looking lass, aye.
His type is big boobs and tattoos.
She's got double As, yeah?
No tattoos,
extensions that fall on the floor.
My hair's real, babe. Have you
pulled this? My hair's real.
Do you want to bang her?
What's it gotta do with you?
Cos I'm asking you a question.
Are you gonna bang her?
Are you gonna bang her
while I'm here?
Fuck knows.
Fuck knows? Well, you can know cos
I'm gonna fucking bang someone.
We're in an environment
where I cannot escape.
I'm not going anywhere! No-one's
taking me fucking anywhere!
What have I done?
Nothing, you've gone on a date.
Boring. You're irrelevant.
What did you just say?
'Uh-oh, it's round three.'
I wasn't calling you boring.
You mean nothing to me.
You look like a skank,
that's all I'm saying.
Babe, I've just come back...
It's not mine,
it's Kayleigh's, so...
You're a skank.
Someone get this bitch
out of my face.
I wasn't even speaking to you.
I heard what you said!
(shouting)
What the fuck have I walked in to?
Oh, my God.
Get the fuck away from me!
You slag!
You're irrelevant to my life.
You're a mess.
You look like a goblin.
I've come in for five minutes,
why's everyone shouting at me?
Everyone's arguing
and do you know what I do?
I strike when the iron's hot.
And it was roasting.
It was fucking red hot.
I wanna fork her...
...all night.
I reckon we could have Bear cubs.
(indistinct whispering)
Little bear cubs.
I want Chaz cubs.
We are just so the same, it's weird.
She was on Bear's Tours,
but she didn't know.
It's called Secret Bear's Tours.
Gaz is gonna show me
the parsnip again.
I have never seen
anything quite like it.
It needs its own postcode.
Stop it!
Hand started slipping
and she's like, "Not tonight."
Fuck.
I think he's gonna be good in bed.
Mad. There's no handle on the door.
Today, I'm in a good mood.
I'm happy.
Cos last night, everyone
was kicking off in the villa.
So I took Charlotte downstairs
and I thought, right, here we go,
bit of action.
We kissed, I touched her nunny,
just on the cloth,
didn't want to be creepy,
squeezed her bum and chatted
a lot of shit in her ear,
but you know what? She enjoyed it.
I spent the night
with Olivia last night.
I just don't want to fuck her yet.
I promise you I will,
but you hear that sound? That's the
beach. It's exes. I can't do it yet.
Stop making me wet, Gaz.
This morning I woke up
in the penthouse with Hawley.
Obviously we had a kiss
and a little cuddle.
Nothing else happened,
cos I am not a slut and I don't fuck
on the first date.
Glad she didn't put out.
It means she's not a slag.
Put a bit of graft, so we'll see
what happens from here on out.
Last night was probably one of the
worst nights I've ever had
because Hawley got with somebody.
One minute I just fucking hate him,
the next minute I fucking love him.
He's my ex. I still think of him as
my boyfriend and he's with Holly.
I'm really struggling.
Yo!
Morning.
Everyone is thinking,
have they? Haven't they?
Did youse bang? You didn't?
Cheeky finger?
You can cut the tension
with a fucking spoon.
Any kissing?
Just a kiss and a cuddle, yeah?
Aye. Just chill.
The fact they didn't shag
makes me feel a bit relieved,
but it doesn't mean
it's not gonna happen tonight.
Holly, do you fancy Hawley?
Yeah, he's a worldy.
Do you think he's a sort?
Bear, stop it!
It's just a joke in my eyes.
One rule for you
and different for us?
You took a girl to the shag pad,
I'm pissed off.
What does Hawley do?
Opens his mouth.
You shagged his mate,
what do you expect?
What did you say, Holly?
Are you gonna pipe up?
Holly got her fucking mouth moving
and her annoying voice.
As if I'm not gonna bite.
I'm just saying what I think.
Shut the fuck up.
It's nothing to do with you.
Can't be bothered to argue.
Just let me eat my cornflakes.
Shut up then.
What you piping up for?
Just saying what I think, hun.
'With all the agg in the air,
the tablet has sent Bear and
Charlotte on a date to learn Thai.'
'Chok di, guys.'
(speaks in Thai)
(mimics him)
That's, "My name."
I meet this fella,
turns out his name's Pong.
Hopefully he can teach me
a ping or two.
How do you say,
"Hello" first? Hello.
(speaks Thai)
(mimics)
That's right!
(mimics Bear) That turns me on.
Bear's not very clever,
I'm not very clever.
We're like two dumbos
sat there like, huh?
You're gonna pretend
to be me, ready?
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
Do you think this is a sexual date?
(repeats in Thai)
(laughs)
I weren't good
with languages in school.
The only language I knew was,
"Get in the girls' knickers! Oi-oi!"
Oh, yeah!
Yes. OK! (laughs)
Oh, lovely. (laughs)
That's very nice.
I wanna get her knickers off.
How do you say, in Thai,
"I want to lick your nunny."
What's nunny?
The furry cup.
For Thai, it's (translates).
How do you say,
I want to lick your (repeats).
(translates)
(repeats)
Yes!
Muy bien.
That's right!
(all chant in Thai)
'With Pong helping Bear
to work his magic,
Chair could become a real ping.'
Do you know what Charlotte?
I really like you.
And I wrote you a poem.
Oh, my God. I can't cope.
"I'm glad you're here with me."
"Your eyes sparkle
like the Thailand sea."
He's so cute.
"Me and you, we're having fun."
"I'd like to do you up the bum."
(laughs) What a belter.
That was so romantic.
Would I let Bear do me up the bum?
We'll see what happens tonight.
I just want to say, you're the best
wingman I've ever had in my life.
I love Pong. I could go down the pub
and have a beer with him.
Chat a few birds up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
'You might be feeling cheery now,
but you'll be feeling the pain
when the next ex arrives.'
'T-minus 30 minutes.'
(evil laugh)
'With Holly and Jemma
avoiding each other all day,
it's party time in the villa.'
This is a bit of me.
Gold party.
Gold candles, gold grapes.
Oh, my God. They're actually grapes!
You can eat them!
What did I tell you? It is a grape.
I am loving this.
'But what they don't know is,
the Tablet of Terror
has invited an all-star VIP.'
Budgie smugglers.
They are sparkling.
Not being funny, I kinda like them.
I'm taking them to Ibiza.
There's a set of legs for you!
(tablet chimes)
(groans)
Shitter!
I'm getting heart palpitations.
For fuck's sake!
Gaz, please welcome the new arrival,
by sounding the gong.
Shit.
(screaming)
I feel sick. I feel sick.
How the fuck can an ex
just pop in here?
I feel sick. I feel sick.
I would rather
hit myself in the head
and knock myself out
than hit this gong,
if it's Lillie.
Drum roll. Drum roll.
Ready?
My hand are literally shaking,
I can't feel my legs.
(gong sound)
("O, Fortuna" plays)
Ashley King is my ex.
I fancy Ashley.
I wish I didn't. But I do.
The king is back.
Long live the fucking king!
I've just been sick in my mouth.
Gold hot pants?!
Gold matching teeth?
And a crown?
Honestly, he looked
like a fucking twat.
My name's Ashley and I'm the baddest
motherfucker to ever be here.
I got kicked out for bad behaviour.
One of my exes is Kayleigh.
As soon as she sees me,
she'll want the ride.
She's only human.
I am the fucking beast.
This is my show and I'm back to show
these pretenders what it's about.
Here he comes.
(cheering)
Kayleigh, how's things? Long time.
I'm not getting mugged off
by Ashley Kane again.
If he thinks that's gonna happen,
he's got another thing coming.
Cheers to Ashley!
Oh, my God. The love of my life
has just entered the villa.
Who do you fancy out of the girls?
I'd fuck the lot of them,
doesn't matter.
Girls, be ready.
All us girls have just got
a bit of a minge twinge.
'To welcome the new King Ashley,
the girls have decided
to play spin the bottle.'
'Hashtag, minge twinge.'
It's a game.
Competition!
Give me Ashley Kane.
(cheering)
(tablet chimes)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck off!
Right.
"Tonight, the real king is back."
What?
"And he needs to pick his queen."
"Choose a lady to take
to the penthouse."
Is it a lady? Or can we choose two?
Cos I wanna choose two.
Pick one girl.
A queen. Not queens. You thick fuck.
I've done the one girl thing.
It's time to choose two.
The beast has gotta do
what he's gotta do.
I'm gonna pick Olivia.
I'm in there like swimwear.
He is fit as fuck.
Jem, you two are friends,
you can come as well.
All right then, let's go.
Hawley's fucked me over.
Bring it on.
See you later, folks. Take it easy.
This is a fucking joke.
'It looks like history's
repeating itself, Gaz.'
'It is all-stars.'
The kid's came in, he hasn't
got the things I've got going on,
waiting for an ex to come in
and a girl, confusing shit.
I don't understand how he thinks
he's this king, or alpha male.
Let's have a cheers to the king.
Let's enjoy it, yeah?
Put your glasses there,
you know you want to.
Apparently Gaz has been
trying to have threesomes.
Time for me to show him
how to do it.
He will fuck them, then fuck
someone else the next day.
He will fuck them,
but he doesn't respect them.
They're both gonna get fucked.
You can now get with Holly.
Everyone now has seen
your true fucking colours.
.
'This time, it's all-stars.'
'Old faces return for another shot
at finding love.'
Am I looking for love? Fucking yeah.
'They'll have to endure their exes.'
I've never, ever felt
like this in my life.
'Some will have to deal
with old grudges.'
You've had more dicks
than I've had sunbeds.
'As hard as they try to find
their perfect match...'
Right. Who wants to finger me?
'...standing in their way once again
will be the Tablet of Terror.'
I won't lie.
I'm cacking myself big time.
'It's going to be hotter
than ever before.'
I'm gonna ride her tonight.
Giddy up, Amy.
'As emotions boil over.'
You made me realise
there's more to life
than what I was just doing.
'Tensions run high.'
(shouting)
Let's fucking go, kid.
'And the claws come out.'
(shouting)
'So far, three exes have arrived.'
'But whose...'
She is the most toxic person
I've ever met.
'Ex...
...is...
...next?'
I did not think
I was gonna feel like this.
You tried to mug us off
in front of the whole world.
Hawley is the love of my life.
Wait till he finds out
that his mate Gaz has fucked his ex.
The first night,
Jemma and him fucked.
Does he think
he can get away with that?
You two fucked each other.
I fucked Gaz once. You fucking
shagged the whole of Newcastle!
You shagged everybody.
I do have one secret
I've gotta tell him.
I did get with Scott.
Fucking hell, man.
I wanna be loved. Who do you fancy?
Me or Jordan?
You called her a dogger.
You're a wanker. Get away from me.
It's time to send someone home.
Chloe, you gotta go, mate.
You're boring.
What, cos you can't
get in my fucking fanny?
Charlotte? Yes!
Charlotte coming in as my ex,
I could not be happier.
Gaz takes me to the penthouse.
On the way,
we just bumped in to Liv.
Last night was fucked up. I'd say
the best night I've ever had.
I got to send Chloe home.
Ding-dong, the witch is gone.
Follow the yellow brick road,
fuck off!
Now Chloe's gone, I want some more
fun and I want some pussy.
I'm gonna pursue Charlotte tonight.
Today, I woke up feeling drained.
It's gonna be difficult for Hawley
to even see past what I've done.
I still very much am
in love with Hawley.
And I do want to sort things out.
Hawley getting with someone here
isn't going to happen.
That bitch will get fucked up.
They're not gonna fuck
in front of me.
My relationship with Jemma at the
moment is a head fuck.
It's one rule for Jemma
and one rule for me.
I need to come up with
some sort of plan of attack.
I woke up this morning, it was like
a dream. Olivia and Charlotte there.
I felt like a king.
Oh, my God.
I had a great night last night
nothing happened, just kisses.
We kept it classy. Not trashy.
There are a coupe of lads
that take my fancy.
I obviously like Gaz.
I would like to get to know
Bear a bit more
cos he does tickle my pickle.
Today, I've woken up
and I feel emotionally drained.
There's such a clique in this villa.
The boys just seem to bitch all the
time, I can't bounce off anyone.
I'm not having fun at all.
Since I've been here,
I've been a miserable bitch.
I've been getting aggy
and I've just not felt myself.
You're not going anywhere!
I am leaving.
What the fuck? Jess is leaving, too?
I just want to get home.
I came in here hoping for love, but
all these guys want is a cheap shag.
Bye. See ya.
I'm like, "Fucking get in!"
Another one bites the dust.
Is there nothing we can do?
No.
I don't think
the villa's gonna change much
cos she wasn't really getting
involved with the game.
We're all gonna have
a belting night tonight.
Play loads of games.
You look fit, man.
How are you?
Nice eyes, nice ears.
We could have the first kiss.
Boring. She hates me.
I don't kiss people on first dates.
She is a fun-sponge.
(shouting)
If I can charm Megan McKenna,
I can surely charm Jess.
Don't fucking push me!
Don't push me, then!
You're pushing me!
Fuck off!
Can you just fuck off?
Where am I gonna go?
I'm in Thailand.
(crying) Now I don't even
want to be here any more.
And I'm drunk.
'With Jess having left
to find some mature men,
the Tablet of Terror has sent Olivia
and Gaz to play with a big trunk.'
I'm scared.
He's so cute!
There's just this massive elephant.
He's massive.
Absolutely massive!
This doesn't happen often, something
with a bigger trunk than me.
'Yeah! Good one, Gaz.'
Look how big its trunk is.
Now he knows what it feels for girls
when they see his trunk.
We need to walk under her trunk.
Go on, Gary.
Underneath?
Oh, my God. You go first.
Ooh, you fucker.
If one of the ears hits me, it would
be like getting hit by Tyson Fury.
You can do it.
You wanna go?
I'll go first.
It's gonna get you!
I'm trying a little bit of a flirt,
but every time this elephant moves,
I shit myself.
I can't do it. I'm so scared.
It's fine.
Oh, my God.
Gaz is absolutely shitting himself.
He's terrified.
You're a little pussy.
Gaz is fit, we really get along,
and he's got a massive dick.
So, obviously I'm gonna
flirt with him.
I think last night,
if Charlotte wasn't in the bed,
I wouldn't have slept with you,
but it would have been
a lot harder not to.
Olivia's been amazing. I just bathed
an elephant in the jungle.
What more do you want?
'Olivia and Gaz may be getting on
like a house on fire for now,
but who will get burned when the next
old flame lights up the beach?'
(evil laugh)
Fuck off, you Tablet of Terror.
You slimy see-you-next-Tuesday.
I hate this bit.
Hello, all-stars.
It's that time again.
Can Bear, Hawley
and Kayleigh go to the beach?
Tablet of Terror, you mug!
(muffled scream)
I know exactly what's gonna happen,
it's either gonna be some Newcastle
slag with STI's.
If any girl comes off that beach
claiming to be Hawley's ex,
she's got another thing coming and
she's gonna know that I'm waiting.
It's gonna be Bear's ex and Hawley's
gonna go on a date with her.
That slag better watch out as well.
Jemma instantly kicks off, but she
hasn't got a foot to stand on.
I'm shitting myself.
I hate coming down this beach.
I'm looking forward to it.
Since I've been here,
I've had a shit time with Jemma.
Hopefully what comes out of the
water is gonna make life better.
For my ex to come out right now,
I think it's filth.
I don't wanna see a fella
get with my birds.
Or my ex-birds. It's not nice.
There is one ex in particular
that will send me off my game.
I'm not ready for that yet,
cos my game ain't really started.
Bad ex equals bad Kayleigh.
Bad Kayleigh equals game over.
I need a nervous poo, cos I dunno
what's gonna come out of the sea.
And I'm shitting myself.
I thought I'd feel nervous,
but I'm actually excited for...
I know why you're excited.
Yeah, it's about time I got revenge.
(laughs)
I know Hawley wants revenge today.
And I guarantee, if my bird comes
out today, he'll try to fuck her.
Which would piss me right off.
Do you reckon Jemma's gonna be happy
if you were to get with someone?
Hopefully not, like.
What leg does she have to stand on?
She doesn't have any
leg to stand on.
It's time she got a taste
of her own medicine.
I don't give a fuck what comes out,
if it's got a fanny, I'll fuck it.
'Spoken like a true gent.'
Oh, fucking hell, man.
Thank fuck I saw Holly,
she means fuck all to me.
Just a finger.
You look nice.
(hums a tune)
You all right, stranger?
My name's Holly. I'm coming back in
for my ex, Bear.
Bear's a massive dickhead,
but he's a massive worldy.
Everyone saw him
completely mug me off.
When he got with Vicky.
This year,
I'm the same bunny boiler,
but no-one's gonna
make me look like a mug.
I'm done with this convo.
You're full of shit.
I'm single. I'm horny. And this
beach better be full of sorts.
(laughs) I'm blushing.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, how you doing?
Fucking thank the lord.
This is Kayleigh.
She knows who I am.
(Holly)I hate her already.
I hate Kayleigh Morris.
I think she's a bully.
(Bear) Why, what's happened?
This is a fucking joke.
I fucking hate her.
What's your purpose for coming?
Well, I'm single. And last year,
someone made me look like a mug.
Yeah. Who?
Someone sat right next to me.
Well, I've been made to
look a mug, so...
Why? What happened?
Jemma Lucy.
Oh, yeah. Is Jemma there?
Oh, I will have one friend then.
I'm gonna be a little shit-stirrer.
If Jemma's been slagging me off,
she can fuck right off.
Is she joking?
She's meant to be a mate.
I wouldn't trust her.
OK. Well, I'll say something
to her when we get back.
So, apparently,
Jemma doesn't like me any more.
Hawley's a worldy.
See you later, Jemma. Hello, Hawley.
Didn't you get finger-blasted
by him on the show?
Babe, please don't try
and insinuate that I'm a slut.
You've had more dicks
than I've had sunbeds.
Her face irritates me.
You're so irrelevant, I don't need
to argue with you right now.
I've said...
Why are you so het up?
You're shouting at me.
Listen to yourself,
you're the one shouting.Shush.
Who are you telling to shush?
You.
Don't shush me.
I'll tell you where to go.
Who the fuck are you
telling to shush?
Don't fucking speak to me like that,
you little slag.
Shush. Shush. Shush your mouth
before I pop your lip-filler.
Say that to me
one more fucking time.Shush.
Fucking, don't call me a slag!
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa!
These girls are fucking mental.
(shouting)
Fucking hell, I'm getting excited.
Don't come at me, I'll fuck you up!
Fuck off, you slag!
Don't get up in my face, babe.
I think she just ripped my eyelash.
You look beautiful, shush.
Skinny, scrawny, lanky little twat.
Holly does not realise she's walking
in to that villa with a big problem.
Oh, no.
Tablet of Terror, you're a penis.
A shrivelled penis.
"Welcome to the beach."
"It's date time for you and Hawley
with a local Thai apple."
No, "tipple".
I'm buzzing to go on a date with
a massive worldy and get drunk.
You're gonna get drunk tonight, man.
Go on a date with Holly,
more than likely get lucky.
And fuck over Jemma.
Hello.
Hello.
Me and Holly turn up
to this crazy little shack,
loads of radge bottles of potions.
Hard dick?
Hard dick?
Have some of that one.
It's fucking definitely
ready to play.
One, two, three.
OK. You can enjoy.
I quite liked the hard dick, if I'm
honest, I just hated the bee one.
Basically, I think we should mix
them all together, put them in this
and then we can name it.
Good shout. So, what's this?
Whiskey?
Yeah.
What was the name?
Strong dick.
Oh, I think that's strong dick.
I remember that one.
'It's time for Bear and Kayleigh to
break the news of the new arrival.'
Oh, my God.
Here we go.
I see Bear
and my heart starts racing.
What didn't happen
at the beach today?
Holly's arrived.
There's gonna be shit
going off in this villa.
It turns out, Kayleigh hates Holly.
They're both going at each other.
Insults, insults.
Next thing I know,
they've got each other by the hair.
Like, literally...
She went for me, so I had her by the
hair. In two seconds I went, boom.
I've never met this Holly,
but she's obviously a skanky slag.
What happened?
Hawley was a bit flirty with Holly,
giving her compliments.
And they've gone on a date.
He's on a date with Bear's ex,
Holly. Like, what the fuck?
What would you do if they kissed?
She'll get her hair pulled again.
I know that Hawley wants revenge
and Holly's a fucking easy bitch.
At the end of the day, if they get
together, I'll make her life hell.
Hawley's on a rampage at the minute.
He wants to bang. Only cos you two
got together. He's angry.
He wants to prove a point.
Bear is doing what Bear does. He
stirs shit up and makes it worse.
But it is actually quite funny.
All he's thinking was revenge.
(Jemma) I'll just get my revenge back
again. I'm sick of this game.
I'm going downstairs to make myself
look better than fucking Holly.
I wanna know everything.
What's happened?
I came here as Jemma's ex,
and then I found out she banged Gaz.
Then I sat down on a date
with her yesterday,
"By the way, your best mate, Scotty
T, I shagged him New Year's Eve."
No! Gemma sounds like
she's been a fucking bitch.
I would like to get revenge,
but it's like,
me stooping down to her level.
Yeah.
If I get with someone it's gonna be
cos I genuinely like them.
Hawley sounds like he's had
a hard time, I feel sorry for him.
I think you're the only lass
that I've been attracted to
cos everyone else has been a bitch.
Oh, what? So you only fancy me cos
everyone else has fucked you off?
I'd definitely get back with Jemma,
but let's see what happens.
Am I gonna get grief off Jemma
for being on date with you now?
You probably will, aye.
Well, she can fuck off, cos...
I'm having a good time, so fuck her.
I couldn't give a flying fuck
what happens back at the villa.
I'm gonna try and piss her off more.
Cheers to everyone being twats.
Twats, aye.
That's the fourth time
I spilt this down me.
Want me to lick it off?
Yeah, go on.
Go on, Hawley, down you go.
Lick it up.
Hopefully it's not the last time
I'm down there.
I reckon our Whiskey
should be called Neck On.
Sounds good to me. Cheers.
I think this guy's
got something in mind.
'Back at the villa, it seems Bear
is also keen to get necking on.'
'Maybe he's been
on the hard dick, too.'
The problem is, Char,
I haven't really spoken to you.
We haven't, have we?
Not had a one-to-one.
Swoopy time.
I done the radar.
Charlotte, babe, come on.
I need to talk to you.
Do you fancy me the most
out of all the boys?
Yeah. I think so, yeah.
Do you wanna hear a secret?
Go on.
I fancy you, too.
First night was hectic
for Charlotte.
Didn't know where she was. Easy.
Let's kiss Gaz.
She fancies me the most.
Do you know why?
Gaz is ugly and he's boring.
I'm the fucking G.
Can we have at least one baby?
Oh, yeah. Two.
I think our babies
would be fucking great.
We were both staring in to each
other's eyes, smizing our heads off.
And I just want to kiss him.
I want to kiss his fucking face off.
I wanna absolutely eat it like
it's a Victoria sponge or something.
(laughs)
To us.
To us.
Charlotte and Bear. Chair.
(laughs)
Tonight's the night when Bear
gets a bit of attention.
Never rush the pudding.
Let it set and bake.
Then you leave it.
Then you go back there,
but I'm not gonna rush this cookie.
'Waiting too long could be
a recipe for disaster,
with exes pouring in
hungrier than ever.'
'Whose ex is next?'
Who had the best craic
on today's date?
(cheering)
We're trying to take
Jemma's minds off the date.
Play games, have a laugh.
Do you want
another finger blast tonight?
(laughter)
'Don't you know the rules
of Mr and Mrs, Charlotte?'
My plan for tonight
is chill with Gary again.
He's the only guy I feel
natural sexual chemistry with.
We're having a good time,
letting our hair down.
Who do you think's better in bed?
Back of my mind I'm thinking
how my ex and a girl I know
are on a date together.
I can't deal with it.
'Well, that's one way
of dealing with it, Jemma.'
Really?
Why the fuck is it going off now?
"Hello, everyone. Greetings from
the date between Holly and Hawley."
"Drink it all in."
Oh, nah, it's pictures.
Fuck me.
Wow.
They've been on one date and
Hawley's got his face in her vagina.
Wow.
Oh, my fucking God!
Jem, don't look.
I haven't seen them yet. Can you
imagine what I'll do if I see them?
I'll end up off that balcony.
What the fuck's going on?
Oh, my fucking God!
The pictures are minging. Why would
you go there when you've got Jem?
You got them tits in your face,
why would you want her shit tits?
Are you fucking having a laugh?
Ssh, ssh.
You're not looking.
We were having such a good night.
Has he been shagging her?
No.
They're not shagging,
they're kissing.
His head's between her legs.
His face is in her pussy, yeah.
Are you mad?!
Right. Show me these
fucking pictures now!
You wanna play fucking games, yeah?
I'll play a game harder.
That tablet's gonna get smashed up.
Give it to me, Gaz.
I'll show you.
Fucking hate it.
I'm telling you now.
I will smash it. This isn't funny.
This is real.
I wanna smash it. I don't get angry,
but someone's winding me up!
I'll make a video of me sucking
someone's dick and send it to him.
In fact, I'll tie him up
so he can watch me do it.
He will never have this again.
She fucked you, she snogged Jordan.
What's her problem?
Hold on a minute, Jem.
You fucked Gaz!
Just shut up!
I'm telling you,
I'm not fucking having it!
They're snogging. They're snogging.
The prick that is Hawley
is trying to get revenge
with some sket who looks
like a fucking 12-year-old.
Right. Who wants to finger me?
I am loving this!
I don't want to be in here.
Calm down.
I can't deal with it.
(muffled)
(muffled)
They're not together. I don't know
why she's reacted like that.
It's ridiculous.
Jemma's fucking one of us tomorrow.
I would smash her.
Obviously licking a fucking shot
or something off her leg.
He wants to lick her minge.
'With one fight on the beach
under her belt,
it might be time for Holly
to put her gloves back on.'
'Ding-ding!'
(cheering)
Any good?
Aye. Decent, aye.
Made some Thai whiskey.
Hawley and Holly walk in,
smiling, chuffed with themselves.
They have no idea that I've just
seen pictures on that tablet.
Holly, you can't look me in the eye.
Well, I heard you've been
slagging me off, Jemma. So...
Straight away, Jemma's on me
like a fly on shit.
I heard you called me a slag.
Really?
Before this, how did the date go?
(Hawley) We had like whiskey and...
Is that it?
We did lots, babes.
Are you actually ready? Because
your hair's gonna be everywhere.
I've seen it babe,
I've got pictures.
The Tablet's fucked us over.
I don't care, I just told you.
So why you coming in the villa...
Cos you've been slagging me off!
What the fuck have I done?!
(shouting)
Jemma! Jemma! Whoa, whoa, whoa.
I haven't ever done anything wrong.
(mimics Holly)
You fat cunt!
Every single night, someone's
hair's getting ripped out.
It's fucking crazy.
How can she even go on like that?
She's been necking on with Jordan.
She's a fucking little slut.
All I've had since I've been here
is aggro from you.
I went out and enjoyed myself
and you're kicking off.
She's the one
who's getting walloped off everyone.
I think you've got issues.
You've got issues, you prick.
Good shot.
Oh, what? Cos you can duck well?
Next time you won't able to.
Jemma's kicking off. (mimics Jemma)
Tits everywhere.
Fucking Jemma, shut up, man.
Do you fancy Holly?
Do you want to bang her?
She's a good-looking lass, aye.
His type is big boobs and tattoos.
She's got double As, yeah?
No tattoos,
extensions that fall on the floor.
My hair's real, babe. Have you
pulled this? My hair's real.
Do you want to bang her?
What's it gotta do with you?
Cos I'm asking you a question.
Are you gonna bang her?
Are you gonna bang her
while I'm here?
Fuck knows.
Fuck knows? Well, you can know cos
I'm gonna fucking bang someone.
We're in an environment
where I cannot escape.
I'm not going anywhere! No-one's
taking me fucking anywhere!
What have I done?
Nothing, you've gone on a date.
Boring. You're irrelevant.
What did you just say?
'Uh-oh, it's round three.'
I wasn't calling you boring.
You mean nothing to me.
You look like a skank,
that's all I'm saying.
Babe, I've just come back...
It's not mine,
it's Kayleigh's, so...
You're a skank.
Someone get this bitch
out of my face.
I wasn't even speaking to you.
I heard what you said!
(shouting)
What the fuck have I walked in to?
Oh, my God.
Get the fuck away from me!
You slag!
You're irrelevant to my life.
You're a mess.
You look like a goblin.
I've come in for five minutes,
why's everyone shouting at me?
Everyone's arguing
and do you know what I do?
I strike when the iron's hot.
And it was roasting.
It was fucking red hot.
I wanna fork her...
...all night.
I reckon we could have Bear cubs.
(indistinct whispering)
Little bear cubs.
I want Chaz cubs.
We are just so the same, it's weird.
She was on Bear's Tours,
but she didn't know.
It's called Secret Bear's Tours.
Gaz is gonna show me
the parsnip again.
I have never seen
anything quite like it.
It needs its own postcode.
Stop it!
Hand started slipping
and she's like, "Not tonight."
Fuck.
I think he's gonna be good in bed.
Mad. There's no handle on the door.
Today, I'm in a good mood.
I'm happy.
Cos last night, everyone
was kicking off in the villa.
So I took Charlotte downstairs
and I thought, right, here we go,
bit of action.
We kissed, I touched her nunny,
just on the cloth,
didn't want to be creepy,
squeezed her bum and chatted
a lot of shit in her ear,
but you know what? She enjoyed it.
I spent the night
with Olivia last night.
I just don't want to fuck her yet.
I promise you I will,
but you hear that sound? That's the
beach. It's exes. I can't do it yet.
Stop making me wet, Gaz.
This morning I woke up
in the penthouse with Hawley.
Obviously we had a kiss
and a little cuddle.
Nothing else happened,
cos I am not a slut and I don't fuck
on the first date.
Glad she didn't put out.
It means she's not a slag.
Put a bit of graft, so we'll see
what happens from here on out.
Last night was probably one of the
worst nights I've ever had
because Hawley got with somebody.
One minute I just fucking hate him,
the next minute I fucking love him.
He's my ex. I still think of him as
my boyfriend and he's with Holly.
I'm really struggling.
Yo!
Morning.
Everyone is thinking,
have they? Haven't they?
Did youse bang? You didn't?
Cheeky finger?
You can cut the tension
with a fucking spoon.
Any kissing?
Just a kiss and a cuddle, yeah?
Aye. Just chill.
The fact they didn't shag
makes me feel a bit relieved,
but it doesn't mean
it's not gonna happen tonight.
Holly, do you fancy Hawley?
Yeah, he's a worldy.
Do you think he's a sort?
Bear, stop it!
It's just a joke in my eyes.
One rule for you
and different for us?
You took a girl to the shag pad,
I'm pissed off.
What does Hawley do?
Opens his mouth.
You shagged his mate,
what do you expect?
What did you say, Holly?
Are you gonna pipe up?
Holly got her fucking mouth moving
and her annoying voice.
As if I'm not gonna bite.
I'm just saying what I think.
Shut the fuck up.
It's nothing to do with you.
Can't be bothered to argue.
Just let me eat my cornflakes.
Shut up then.
What you piping up for?
Just saying what I think, hun.
'With all the agg in the air,
the tablet has sent Bear and
Charlotte on a date to learn Thai.'
'Chok di, guys.'
(speaks in Thai)
(mimics him)
That's, "My name."
I meet this fella,
turns out his name's Pong.
Hopefully he can teach me
a ping or two.
How do you say,
"Hello" first? Hello.
(speaks Thai)
(mimics)
That's right!
(mimics Bear) That turns me on.
Bear's not very clever,
I'm not very clever.
We're like two dumbos
sat there like, huh?
You're gonna pretend
to be me, ready?
Charlotte.
Charlotte.
Do you think this is a sexual date?
(repeats in Thai)
(laughs)
I weren't good
with languages in school.
The only language I knew was,
"Get in the girls' knickers! Oi-oi!"
Oh, yeah!
Yes. OK! (laughs)
Oh, lovely. (laughs)
That's very nice.
I wanna get her knickers off.
How do you say, in Thai,
"I want to lick your nunny."
What's nunny?
The furry cup.
For Thai, it's (translates).
How do you say,
I want to lick your (repeats).
(translates)
(repeats)
Yes!
Muy bien.
That's right!
(all chant in Thai)
'With Pong helping Bear
to work his magic,
Chair could become a real ping.'
Do you know what Charlotte?
I really like you.
And I wrote you a poem.
Oh, my God. I can't cope.
"I'm glad you're here with me."
"Your eyes sparkle
like the Thailand sea."
He's so cute.
"Me and you, we're having fun."
"I'd like to do you up the bum."
(laughs) What a belter.
That was so romantic.
Would I let Bear do me up the bum?
We'll see what happens tonight.
I just want to say, you're the best
wingman I've ever had in my life.
I love Pong. I could go down the pub
and have a beer with him.
Chat a few birds up.
Thank you.
Thank you.
'You might be feeling cheery now,
but you'll be feeling the pain
when the next ex arrives.'
'T-minus 30 minutes.'
(evil laugh)
'With Holly and Jemma
avoiding each other all day,
it's party time in the villa.'
This is a bit of me.
Gold party.
Gold candles, gold grapes.
Oh, my God. They're actually grapes!
You can eat them!
What did I tell you? It is a grape.
I am loving this.
'But what they don't know is,
the Tablet of Terror
has invited an all-star VIP.'
Budgie smugglers.
They are sparkling.
Not being funny, I kinda like them.
I'm taking them to Ibiza.
There's a set of legs for you!
(tablet chimes)
(groans)
Shitter!
I'm getting heart palpitations.
For fuck's sake!
Gaz, please welcome the new arrival,
by sounding the gong.
Shit.
(screaming)
I feel sick. I feel sick.
How the fuck can an ex
just pop in here?
I feel sick. I feel sick.
I would rather
hit myself in the head
and knock myself out
than hit this gong,
if it's Lillie.
Drum roll. Drum roll.
Ready?
My hand are literally shaking,
I can't feel my legs.
(gong sound)
("O, Fortuna" plays)
Ashley King is my ex.
I fancy Ashley.
I wish I didn't. But I do.
The king is back.
Long live the fucking king!
I've just been sick in my mouth.
Gold hot pants?!
Gold matching teeth?
And a crown?
Honestly, he looked
like a fucking twat.
My name's Ashley and I'm the baddest
motherfucker to ever be here.
I got kicked out for bad behaviour.
One of my exes is Kayleigh.
As soon as she sees me,
she'll want the ride.
She's only human.
I am the fucking beast.
This is my show and I'm back to show
these pretenders what it's about.
Here he comes.
(cheering)
Kayleigh, how's things? Long time.
I'm not getting mugged off
by Ashley Kane again.
If he thinks that's gonna happen,
he's got another thing coming.
Cheers to Ashley!
Oh, my God. The love of my life
has just entered the villa.
Who do you fancy out of the girls?
I'd fuck the lot of them,
doesn't matter.
Girls, be ready.
All us girls have just got
a bit of a minge twinge.
'To welcome the new King Ashley,
the girls have decided
to play spin the bottle.'
'Hashtag, minge twinge.'
It's a game.
Competition!
Give me Ashley Kane.
(cheering)
(tablet chimes)
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Fuck off!
Right.
"Tonight, the real king is back."
What?
"And he needs to pick his queen."
"Choose a lady to take
to the penthouse."
Is it a lady? Or can we choose two?
Cos I wanna choose two.
Pick one girl.
A queen. Not queens. You thick fuck.
I've done the one girl thing.
It's time to choose two.
The beast has gotta do
what he's gotta do.
I'm gonna pick Olivia.
I'm in there like swimwear.
He is fit as fuck.
Jem, you two are friends,
you can come as well.
All right then, let's go.
Hawley's fucked me over.
Bring it on.
See you later, folks. Take it easy.
This is a fucking joke.
'It looks like history's
repeating itself, Gaz.'
'It is all-stars.'
The kid's came in, he hasn't
got the things I've got going on,
waiting for an ex to come in
and a girl, confusing shit.
I don't understand how he thinks
he's this king, or alpha male.
Let's have a cheers to the king.
Let's enjoy it, yeah?
Put your glasses there,
you know you want to.
Apparently Gaz has been
trying to have threesomes.
Time for me to show him
how to do it.
He will fuck them, then fuck
someone else the next day.
He will fuck them,
but he doesn't respect them.
They're both gonna get fucked.
You can now get with Holly.
Everyone now has seen
your true fucking colours.
.