Cash Register (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 7 - The Moldovan Patient - full transcript

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"The Moldovan Patient"

How many bags?

How many years are you going to live?
-Huh?-Huh?

How do I know now?
I can only know at the end.

But I have to ring them up now.
-You want me to gamble?

Yes, gamble.
But don't get addicted.

That's how Ofer Maximov got started.

First it was supermarket bags,
then it was shopping cart races.

Then the casino in Yavne.

Come on, how many bags?



Take twelve.
-Nah, seven at the most.

But they'll tear.
-I say five.

But look, he has meat and cheese,
that's two bags right there.

He can put the meat with
the Brussels sprouts to cool one another.

But the tomato paste has a sharp tip,

he has to wrap that in a bag
so it doesn't rip in the bag.

I'm telling you, they'll tear.
-Okay, hold on, let me focus.

Have you made a decision?

Okay... -Talk to me.
-It's either six or seven.

Because of the paper towels.

Why?
-They come with a handle.

On the other hand..

You want to phone a friend?

Give me six. -Six?



You want six? -Five.
-You're sure? Five will be enough?

Seven final answer!

No good.
-He said "final answer"! -Final answer.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven.

You're aware
we only have one planet, yes?

Oh yeah? -Seriously?
I thought we have six,

thanks for the reminder.
-Very funny.

I'm sure the turtles that swallow
these bags don't find it funny.

What do you know
about turtles' sense of humor?

Maybe they find it hilarious?
-Very mature.

Animals are one thing,
but don't you care about your children?

These bags will only decompose
in 500 years.

The question is if it will happen
before or after you're done hassling us.

Here, take a few more on me.
-Really? -Yes, a treat for the turtles.

You know what? Take them all.
-Now we're talking.

1,000 bags to register 2.

1 million bags to register 2.
-Alright, Kohava, we got it.

1 trillion bags...
-No need to flaunt your provinciality.

1 zillion bags...
-Kohava, the fact that you don't care...

We'll see who gets the last laugh.
Let's see them laughing

when the use of plastic bags
becomes a criminal offense.

One day we won't believe
that people really did it.

Just like abortions and vaccinations.

"Issachar Bounty"

Two kilos chicken thighs?

Alright. You got it.

Have a nice day.

Drumsticks, one kilo.

Faster!
-"Faster" at home.

Thank you.

One wing?
-But a nice one.

Sure, make a call, why don't you?

How about bouncing a chicken
on your head while you're at it?

Nissim? Where are you? We got
a delivery and a tsunami of customers.

Wait, did you want pudding
or did I? -You did!

But I'm getting it for us both.
I'm standing in a damn line, patience.

I'm not playing here.

Nissim,
had Bolognese for lunch,

now I got a revolution in my stomach.
Make it quick and get here, okay?

Uh... excuse me, it'll be right here.
-"It'll be right here"?

Stay back! Stay Back!

Let me, I'm a professor.

Your turn.

"Issachar Bounty"

Shuni Stratiner!
-Dalia Abutbul?

Avital, Avital-Genosar.
-Ah, right.

Abutbul-Genosar.
Abutbul-Genosar.

Avital. -Genosar, I always forget.
Daliush! -Ah?

How are you?
I haven't seen you for ages.

I know, I know,
Eyal and I were in Ethiopia.

Ethiopia? -Yes.
-That's nice.

Not everyone has the funds
to vacation in classical Europe.

"Vacation"? Heaven forbid.
We went to volunteer. -Ah.

With orphans who have malaria.
-Orphans? -With malaria.

We no longer do only orphans.

Come with us next time.
-We will, we will.

Bye. -Yes.

Oh, Dalia, Dalia. -Ah?
-Hold it...

If I may... -Yes?

How exactly are you connected
to the "One Planet" organization?

How am I connected? -Yes.
-I'm on the Israeli committee.

Shuhami and I are like this.
-Ah. -Yes.

Wow.

Dalia Abutbul on the committee
of "One Planet"? -What's "One Planet"?

Just the most exclusive sustainability
and environmental club in the world.

Remind me what "sustainability" is?
-Sustainability?

Sustainability is...

All the who's and who's are there.

Michelle Obama, Shari Arison,
Kate Middleton,

and now, it seems,
Dalia Abutbul as well.

What a coincidence.
-Why?

Because Mosh and I submitted
the official application

to join the organization as members.
-Ah.

How about throwing in
a good word for us.

Shuni, we don't throw, we recycle.

So, will you recycle a good word?
-I'd love to, dear,

but I can't commit a fallacy
and recommend someone who...

you know. -Who what?
-Who uses such polluting bags.

What?
-We only have one planet.

Thank you, God, for this moment.

Do you know how many trees
were cut down for that bag?

How many raccoons were ripped away
from their mothers? -Oh, what is this?!

I just noticed the polluting bags
that cashier gave me. The nerve!

Okay, I have to go.
-Okay.

Oh, and Shuni... -Hmm?
-Regards. -Ditto. -Sure.

How did it happen?
-"How did it happen"?

How did it happen?

We're busting our asses here, no help.
What did you think would happen?

Nissim... go like this.

It's from the short ribs,
I sliced them and a piece...

Okay, I don't know what to say,
it looks very bad, Anatoly.

Take a few sick days and go home.
-I don't have any,

I wasted them in April
on a bachelor party in Varna.

Pneumonia.
Uh... pneumonia in Varna.

Okay, then... unpaid leave.
-What's unpaid leave?

Time off without pay.
-Without pay?

Pay, you know? -Yeah.
-So without.

Ah, no, no.
I have to get paid.

Masha is nine months pregnant,
I need diapers, binkies,

the bank is calling Masha every day,
Masha keeps calling her mother,

Masha's mother keeps calling Anatoly.
That woman is like Stalin.

No pay means trouble.
No, no.

I have to work and get paid.

Anatoly, I don't have a solution for you.

In your condition,
you can't be a butcher.

He can be a cashier.

What?!
-We're short.

Esti's not here,
there's no one there now.

Then why are you here?
-Don't change the subject.

We need cashiers.

Okay, honestly,
it's not a bad idea.

Cool it, superstar.
Watch your mouth!

I'll grind myself into Bolognese
before being a cashier.

Cool it, Ceausescu,
just a few days until you heal.

No one asked you
to bleach your hair blonde

and wear tights with glitter.
-Were you describing me?

Not even half a day!

A man doesn't do cashier,
beep, beep!

A man does meat counter,
boom, boom!

Who was the hunter?
The caveman or the cavewoman?

Hell can freeze over,
Anatoly doesn't do cashier!

On the house.

Excuse me?

What's cheaper, this or this?
-Why are you asking me?

You're a cashier.
-A cashier?

It's temporary! Just for now!

I need money, diapers, binkies.

You want to call Stalin and say
there's no money? Here you go.

So, Anatoly,
you decided to man the cashier?

Like I have a choice?

Either I'm a cashier
or I sleep in the garbage room.

Jeez... what's the big deal?
It's just for a few days.

Here, I even made you something
to pass the time.

You made me a surprise, Nissim?
-With love.

With a friend like this,
who needs friends?

I'll be right with you, Ma'am.
-Who are you calling "Ma'am"?

It's temporary! Just for now!

I'm on the phone...

So tell her too, "It's temporary..."
Give it to me!

It's temporary! Just for now!

Yes! Yes!

For years I've been waiting
to get the Moldovan tyrant to us.

Why Anatoly?
-He's a hothead without a head.

Finally someone else will argue
with all the morons at the register.

And the holidays are upon us,
morons in droves.

Hey, what's this?

You see it says "closed."

You expect me to violate the sign?

And she's gone.

Anarchy, everyone does
as they please.

Aren't you from the meat?
No, that's my twin, Yampamoni.

Of course it's me!

Anything else, Sir?
-A delivery. -Hmm?

A delivery.
-Delivery?

It says, "Free delivery on Sunday."
Delivery. I deserve a delivery.

You want a delivery for the cheese?
-Yes, for the cheese.

I pulled my shoulder.
-It's 200 grams, Sir.

Not including packaging.
Besides, what business is it of yours?

Even if it's 1.5 grams,
I deserve a free delivery,

I want a free delivery.
-And I want Masha to look

like a beauty queen
and win "Ninja Israel."

So I want.
Wanting is free, Sir.

Great! Way to go!

You're a worse cashier
than you are a butcher.

You called me a cashier?
-Aren't you a cashier?

If you're a man, say it again.

Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa!

Excuse me!
The cashier is threatening me!

Yes, yes,
the cashier is threatening me!

Forgive me, Sir,
where's the delivery to?

My house, where else?

Go home,
the delivery is on the way.

Next!

No, you're a psycho. -Next!
-I'm not paying for the yogurt.

Next. -I'll make sure
you pay for the yogurt.

Next. -You psycho!

Next! -There's a psycho here
who has to be admitted!

Next!
-People, a piece of scum!

You get the sting?

Anatoly is arguing
with three morons at the register,

not including Titinsky.

And I'm having a field day on Insta.

Tzipi Shavit...
I never get bored with her.

"It's temporary for now"

"My voice went silent,
my heart is excited,

"there's a new cashier in town.

"My voice went silent,
my heart is excited,

"there's a new cashier in town."

No cashier and no excited.

As soon as Shira gets back
I'm telling her: Salut, cash register.

Back to the meat counter.
On my knees, if I have to.

Don't be that way.
-Look at me, Kohava.

If my papa saw me as a cashier,
he'd abandon me for a third time.

Alright.

Want one?
-Don't you get it? No money.

Masha, nine months pregnant,
I have to buy...

Diapers, binkies. Got it.
-And? -This doesn't cost money.

These are items customers paid for
and forgot to take.

I have tons. You want?

Free... why not?
-Enjoy.

But why like that?
Go outside, relax, have a cig.

A cig?

If a customer comes
and Shira sees...

You're sweet.

That's what this is for.
-What's that?

You don't have this
at the meat counter?

You mean... I put it and leave?
-You put it and leave.

Peepee too?
-Poopie too.

No need to turn it on and off?
-That's the beauty of it,

it's technological, it's automatic.

You've had enough,
it's activated as soon as you leave.

Deluxe. -You get it?
-Tomatic? -Tomatic.

A fast learner.

There's no sign at the meat counter.
No chocolate.

Maybe being a cashier
is not such a disaster.

Many men have been cashiers.

Arnold Schwarzenegger was even
a kindergarten teacher.

So? Only a man
secure in his manhood can be a cashier.

"Issachar Bounty"

Daliushka!
-Shunishka!

It's so nice to meet you here
by accident again. -Yes.

How is everyone?
-Knock wood, as they say.

Our Ofri just took up the pipe organ
and Sol started... -That's so nice.

Tell me, Daliush,
do you see anything different about me?

Something different?

Shuni, many women store fat
in the hips in winter.

The bags, Daliush, the bags.
-I did tell Eyal that you look tired.

The shopping bags, Daliush.
100% recycled fabric.

Oh Shunishka. -What?
-Fabric? Really? -Recycled.

Didn't you read Greta's latest post?

I binge on the posts
over the weekend.

The amount of carbon emitted
from these recycling plants

is the number one cause
of herons' asthma.

Excuse me.

It's a pity, Shuni,
we only have one planet.

Oh, and Shuni... -Hmm?

Regards. -Ditto. -For sure.

I'll prove to that woman
that I care about this planet

even if I have to burn it
together with her.

Nissim!
-What, Anatoly?

How's it going at the meat counter?

How's Abrashka the mascot?
-Fine, I guess.

We got tons of supplies,
my back is killing me. -Ah.

How's your leg?
-Not good, it's...

I can feel the pulse,
boo-boom, boo-boom.

There's been a regression, Nissim.

It's changing colors,
like a faulty traffic light.

I think it'll take
another 2-3 days.

Tell that to my ankle!

You think I enjoy being a cashier?
Beep, beep!

Instead of lugging boxes like Nissim,
our Chuck Norris?

Feel better, Anatoly.
-Thanks, Nisnis.

"Issachar Bounty"

Anatoly!

Take it easy.
Well? The usual at Gariani's?

No, Nissim.

This leg, I'm suffering.
Darn...

It's far, Nissim, thank you.
-Want me to get you a baguette?

The cashiers eat together.
It's a tradition.

What are you eating?
-I dunno. Something, I guess.

Ah, Nissim?
You want beansprouts?

Beansprouts?

How come none of the knives cuts

the *** food in this *** supermarket,

piece of ***!

She sounds angry.
-She's been like this for two weeks.

I don't know what's with her.

If it were up to me,
we'd be having meat on a bone,

but girls don't like...

Then come eat with me.

Anatoly, the beansprout salad
was a great idea. Chapeau.

Move!

Can't you see I'm walking here?!

Anatoly. -Hmm?
-What has become of you?

What? -You're with them for so long,
you've become one of them.

Nissim, cool it,
don't make me a hothead.

It's not me,
maybe it's that time of month?

You've been with them so long,
maybe you're in synch.

Say we're in synch again.
Say it, I'll synch your face, Nissim.

Damn...

for someone who may
a fractured ankle,

you're standing very well.

It's the hot head,
I forgot it hurts!

Anatoly.

Alright, Nissim.
My leg doesn't hurt.

Not for a week now.

But it's fun at the register,
chocolates, friends, chatting

and there's a "Register closed" sign

and no one leaves me alone
then I slip boo-boom.

I am Anatoly Kirilenko
and I'm a proud cashier!

So you're not coming back
to the meat counter?

Anatoly, look what Eli just sent me.

Did I tell you he's hot for you or not?
-You did. -What did I tell you?

"Hard to get, easy to forget."
-You rock.

Sorry, Nisnis.

Anatoly. -Hmm?

What does "hard to get,
easy to forget" mean?

You know, you don't open at first,
you keep it to yourself.

That makes a good relationship.

But...

I'm pressing!
You see? I'm pressing!

It doesn't work.
-What's wrong with you lately?

"What's wrong with you?
What's wrong with me"?

Do I know what's wrong with me?
Do you know what's wrong with me?

Look at you.

You ignite quicker than
a supermarket Purim costume.

You've been like this for two weeks.
Did something happen at home?

No, everything's hunky dory.
Thanks for asking.

You change your nutrition?
Change your meds?

Did something happen at work
that I don't know about?

Some change you haven't noticed?

I want a refund
and I'll get a refund.

This is a first class item, Sir.
Why a refund?

Aren't you listening?
It says "washed lettuce".

Look at all the sand!
You sold me a construction site.

The lettuce is unwashed?
-The lettuce is unwashed.

I'll wash it, Sir.

This is... "Issachar Bounty" service.

This lettuce is washed. Sterile.
Shampoo on sale.

Here you go, Sir, bon appetit.

Here, sterile, bon appetit. Sprinkle salt...
-You're nuts, you know that?

Hold on. -What?

The register, Anatoly.
-Shoes, Air? -Don't start.

When's the last time
Amnon came to your register?

I'll look in my moron diary.
You and your questions.

You came to calm me down,
instead you're annoying?

Try and get my drift.

When did you become unbearable?
In the past two weeks.

When did Anatoly move to the registers?
-In the past two weeks too.

Two weeks. He's arguing
with all the morons instead of you.

What are you getting at, Nissim?

It's been two weeks
since you've let your nerves rip.

They have nowhere to go.
It's all good, cookies and cream.

But all the misanthropy builds up.

Anger constipation.
No anger metabolism.

No refund? Fine!
-Fine and dandy.

Fine and dan-dandy.
-That's just fine.

Then I'm staying here, okay?

I have time.
This is awesome, awesome, I say.

Fine and dandy.
-You want a pillow?

We have to return him
to the meat counter.

Yes, but... -Today.

What do you think?
It's my dream.

I tried, there's no getting through.
-'Coz you said it.

You have a vested interest,
we gotta go another route.

I'm intrigued.

I'm calm already.

Oy, Mosh, you're dragging your feet.

Enough is enough.

With all due respect to "One Planet"
and Michelle Obama,

I don't need any favors.

I'm waving a white flag.

Whereas... let me guess,

several unicorns were surely harmed
or whatever.

Wow!
Shunishka, I'm speechless.

What are you talking about?
-"What"?

Does it get anymore ecological
than this? -What?

It doesn't harm the environment
or any living creature.

No poor animal was ripped away
from its mother,

there's no long term damage.

That's the kind of thinking we need
at "One Planet." -But of course,

that was the intention. So, Daliush,
will you recycle a good word?

Of course, what was the name?
-Shuni Weiss Stratiner.

No, not yours, silly. Yours.
-Ah... Mosh Weiss Stratiner Klughaft.

And Shuni. -I saw many people
sacrificing for the planet,

but not like this.

"Mosh Weiss Stratiner."
-Klughaft. -And Shuni.

We're so tight at the moment.

Every colleague is another
carbon footprint in the room.

After all, we only have one planet.

I know that we have only one planet.
Everyone knows that!

No one thinks that there are six!
-Will I get a pin too?

Mosh, I swear,
one more word from you...

Thank you for shopping Anatoly.

What's up, Anatoly?
-Ah, butchie butch.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you.
-Go ahead, I'm like a sister.

On second thought, it's too weird. Forget it.
-Why forget?

Sis, talk to me,
I'm like an open cup.

Lately I've been feeling that I...

this is the first time ever, okay?

I feel that I'm attracted to you.

Huh? -I dunno,

I don't know what you
you've changed,

but last night I dreamt
that you rung me up and I'm lying...

Ah! Stop stop stop stop!

You, Naomi the butcha,
have the hots for Anatoly?

Only today!
VIP thighs for Monsieur!

Who asked for chicken?
"Issachar Bounty" meat counter Yavne!

How do you come up
with those ideas?

Do you know who I am?

One kilo sliced chicken breast.

Ah, thinly sliced schnitzel
like toilet paper for the lady.

Oh my, if you're in pain
you can go back to the register...

In pain? This?

No pain at all.

I can work without a finger
for a week.

So it is written, so it is done!
-What? I didn't say anything.

So it is written, so it is done!
-You lost it for good?

Not that there was anything to lose.
-Hey! Where are you going?

I waited for you for two weeks!
-Lay off me, madwoman.

I'm in a hurry,
I'm going to another register.

You're not in a hurry at all.
-I am so in a hurry.

You're not in a hurry.
-I am in a hurry!

You're not in a hurry.
-I said I'm in a hurry,

you're telling me I'm not?!
-You're not in a hurry!

I'm saying I'm in a hurry!
-Where to?!

Now I can start my day.

Man, I missed this.

I am in a hurry!
-You're not in a hurry!

Don't you tell me if I'm in a hurry.
-Who's waiting for you?

Are you the manager of me?
-Who even wants to see you?

Do you manage me?
-Yes, if you don't know...

Great! I have plans!
-You have plans?!

What are you blabbering about?
And don't touch me!