Cash Register (2018–…): Season 3, Episode 5 - Pretty Kochava - full transcript

We typically put
canned food specials here,

and now to the main platform,
our cashiers.

Ibtisam. -Hi.

And this is the cashier I told you about.
-Don't believe a word she says.

Oh please, Kohava,

all I said was your name is Kohava,
because she's Kohava too... -What?!

No way! Get out!
-Go figure.

Nice to meet you.
-A handshake?

Gimme a hug!
Finally, another Kohava.

Wow, you smell like Kohava too.

Listen, when I meet another Kohava,
I'm automatically on her side.



What can I do? It's like...
a long lost sister.

Kohava isn't just any name,
it's not... Oren

or Ziona
or Leonid or Ze'ev.

Ze'ev means wolf,
dog eat dog...

Leonid eat Leonid too, by the way.
But not Kohavas.

Really.
Kohavas have each other's backs.

As the years go by
there are less and less Kohavas.

We're in danger of extinction.
Like panda bears.

Just much cuter.

Checkout

"It's dark in apartment one...

"Three days ago
right outside the hospital..."

Bountiful day.

Goddamn!



What? -Kushtai!

"The knight from Yavne?"

'"Levi Bliss' manager Oren Kushtai
donated thousands to an employee

"for complicated surgery overseas.

"The employee:
'I can walk thanks to him'."

There's no limit to that man's evil.
-Avihai, he... saved a crippled man.

That's my crippled man! Mine!
-Yours? I don't under...

It's Acoca, the bread supplier,
he works with us too!

I offered to donate for his surgery!

It was a done deal, the article,
the payments, the PR.

Then this Amalekite comes along
and drinks my Acoca and my article.

I understand Avihai,
I understand the complexity,

but the surgery was a success.
-Who even cares?

He can crawl on his nose
for all I care, don't you get it?

That douche bag stole my article!

I'm the knight from Yavne, me!
-Did I hear someone calling my name?

You piece of...
have you no shame?

You heard me talking to Acoca, huh?
-Pal, some people talk,

some people do.
-Some big hero, huh?

Wait, let's check the paper...
hold on... yes, I'm a big hero,

that's what it says, black on white.
It's me. Who are you?

Who is he?!

Mr. Kushtai,
Avihai is a top notch manager...

Why are you butting in?
This is my argument!

Don't ever butt into my arguments!

I'm sorry.
-Listen, I'd stick around all day,

it's so fun here, especially with you,
but the mayor invited me to lunch.

It seems he read the article.
Eh... a hero in demand.

Peace out, Monsieur, Madame.

No, Avihai! No!

Center!

No, no, no! Avihai, Avihai, Avihai,
find your center, find your center.

Listen to yourself, listen,
listen to your inside.

Sit down. Hey, here I am.
I'm here with you.

Look at me, breathe, look at me.
Okay? In... hale and ex... hale. -Inhale.

Exhale. -In... hale and ex... hale.
-This should calm me down? -Yes,

we're regulating.
-No, don't sit here. -Okay, fine.

Don't sit here.
-I'm here, I'm here.

Okay, so let's calm down
and think of a solution,

I'm sure there are other people
you can donate to. -Like who?

Just anyone? What good will that do?
It has to be a story for the paper.

I need someone sick like Acoca.
-Okay, okay, so maybe...

you can help a customer?
-A customer?! -Not a customer.

A customer! A customer is good.
"Supermarket manager helps customer."

It's even better than Acoca.

I'll tell that bozo to write about it.

Wait, Avihai, we haven't found
the customer to donate to.

I trust you. The article has to be
up and running in two weeks.

Two weeks is not enough.
-You and your excuses again?

You have two days to find
a customer worse off than Acoca.

And not some dinky sick person.

Kushtai doesn't know
who he's messing with.

I'm not sure I can find someone
in two days...

Get on the roof for all I care,
jump off, smash your brain,

I'll donate to you. How's that?

How's your crew?
Generally healthy?

"Issachar Bounty"

Tell me, Kohava.
-Yes, Kohava?

Any chance you're hungry, Kohava?
-A little.

Kohava.

Oh. Hello, Kohava.
Hello, Kohava.

Hi, Ramzi.
-Hi, Ramzi.

Kohava.

Look. -What?

My six-pack, dude.

Wait, I'll get my 3D glasses.
-Cut the jokes already.

What is this?
Not a six-pack?

Tak, six-pack square.
-You're folding with your fingers.

Nissim! What's with the jealousy?
Even Kohava said you can tell.

What? When did I say that?
-Not you. Not her.

Pretty Kohava said so.

Pretty Kohava?

God help me, what an idiot.

What did I do?

Is that what you call her?
"Pretty Kohava"?

Listen...

Anatoly, he has this thing
with how he talks,

the... brain freeze, he... he...
tries to associate a word,

he said it one time and it...
caught on. -I didn't...

Shut up, I'll devour you.
It caught on, you know? It...

Okay...

so what do you call me?

Kohava. -Kohava.

So she's "pretty Kohava"
and I'm just "Kohava"? -Yes.

Don't you learn?

So, if I do the math,
you call me "ugly Kohava".

No.

Who... who said that?

How did you figure that?
-How else can I figure it?

She's "pretty Kohava"
and I'm just "Kohava".

It just came out...
you know, it's not...

we just had to distinguish
between you. -Yes.

And that's what distinguishes between us?
Our looks?

You could have called her
"new Kohava",

you could have called her
"slurps her drink Kohava",

"cheap lipstick Kohava",
but no.

You wanted to make me out to be ugly.

It happened by mistake,
not on purpose.

So what do you want now?
-I want to be "pretty Kohava"!

But she's "pretty Kohava".
-Then we'll both be "pretty Kohava"!

I'm "pretty Kohava",
she's "pretty Kohava 2!"

I was here first!

Kohava, I see that it annoys you.
-It doesn't annoy me!

This annoys me?
Is this what I'm like when it annoys me?!

I didn't say "incensed."

From now on, no more "pretty Kohava".
They're both "Kohava". -No.

Excuse me, I'm used to it.

If she's not "pretty Kohava",
then she's "bombshell Kohava".

Do you know how to zip it?

Did you know they call her that?

Do you call her that too?

Okay.

No problem.

We'll see who the pretty Kohava is
around here...

Kohava, we're not done here.
-Enjoy, shoot the couch.

Did you check this mole?
I've had it since birth, it's fine.

Are you sure?
-Absolutely. -Alright.

I need one small zucchini as well.
But not this. -Okay, I got it.

I was never so happy
to see Amnon Titinsky.

Get me that too, what's it called?
-Onion?

Mrs. Titinsky, Amnon, what happened?
-I switched shampoos, that bad?

Not to you, Amnon,
what happened to your mother?

Mrs. Titinsky,
why are you in a wheelchair?

Don't ask.
-Still... I do want to ask.

Last month I had this tingling in my foot,
you see where it started?

Yes. -It went up my leg
and the imbecile took me to the ER.

Okay. -As soon as they saw me,
they sent me to emergency medicine,

three professors got alarmed
and sent me for an MRI and CT and...

an X-ray.

Then this doctor came,
white as a sheet, and said:

"Mrs. Titinsky, you have no choice.

"You need ointment."

Ointment?
-She had an ingrown hair.

That's all?

Thank God that's all.

Two days with ointment
and it went away. -I see.

Then why the wheelchair, Amnon?

It was free, so we kept it for now.

Get the onion, the one without hair.
-How are you?

Oh la la and tralala, Kohava!

Ah?

Still got it:

I had to remind the gang '
who the real pretty Kohava is.

Oh, I didn't even notice
I'm not wearing the uniform.

Marilyn Monroe!
--Thank you.

Wow, Kohava?
-Yes, eat dust Kohava?

No, get this,
last night I attended an event

in that exact same dress.
-No! -You have to see this.

Show us a pic.
-No, I swear, we have the same taste.

Oh la la and tralala, pretty Kohava!
-Oh! So sexy. -Wow!

Show me.
-It's Marilyn Monroe...

Did I tell you that my panties
have sequins too?

I'll send the pic in the supermarket group.
-Yeah, send it to the group.

I'm hot wearing panties.
-Kohava, sweetie, hold on.

Yes. Tell me,
how is your grandmother?

I heard she's kind of...
not here nor there?

Ah, wow, that is a miracle.

Well, Riki?

Have you found anyone?
-Um...

yes, I'm finalizing the details.
It will be a done deal.

Great. A real sob story?

Avihai, I found someone
with a disease that... -No, no, no,

don't gross me out, I'm eating!
-Okay, sorry.

If it photographs well,
that's what counts. -Of course.

"Donate to Charity"

No way, I don't believe it.

Alright.

Darn...

What happened?

Sagi, my hair stylist,
his whole salon is flooded, full of water.

I have an event tonight
and look at me.

How am I supposed to find
a stylist at the last minute?

Are you serious?
Are you for real? Hello!

I was a hair stylist, 15 years ago.
I did everyone in Yavne.

Truth is it's not a total lie.
I was, 15 years ago.

Not a hair stylist, but I was.

Five out of six words,
God honest truth.

Kohava, you're a lifesaver.
Kohava, you're the best.

Thank you, thank you, thank you!

And I did do everyone in Yavne.

Do you want an apple?
-I'm not hungry.

Wow, Kohava, thank you

Okay then...

Avihai,
these are Tova and Shaul Putzershmidt,

and this is Fabian,
CEO of "Donate to Charity".

Is she a customer?

Tova?

If not Tova, then who?

When they came, she paid for parking,
that automatically makes her a customer.

First of all, I have to say
that you are angels.

Tell me, if I remove her mask,
will she die?

Yes.

So after the operation
she'll be brand new?

Uh... you could say that.

You surprised me.

You have good taste.

An Ashkenazi woman
who photographs well.

Okay... -I do what I can.
-Let's talk business.

How much do I dish out? -First of all,
this operation is only done overseas.

Yes, how much?

Only three surgeons in the world
perform it. -Okay, how much?

Not to mention the...
-How much money?!

We need 12,000.
-How much?! -12,000.

12,000?!
-I know it's a hefty sum.

You can pay in installments too.
12, 24, 36...

Hold on.
Riki, come here.

Riki. -I'm coming.

12,000 shekels?
Who does she think she is? -Sshhh...

Acoca only took 5,500!
-Avihai, it's a different disease.

You and your excuses again?

Okay, what's with all the other
sad sacks you found?

She's all I found.

But if you give me some more time,
I'll be able...

An angel, that's what you are.

We read the article
and couldn't hold back the tears.

I'm all heart and good deeds.

And you, sweetheart,
do you have a boyfriend? -I do.

I'll pay in 36 installments.

Are you sure? If it's too much...
I'm sure, done, iron-clad. 36 installments.

Thank you, Mr. Grazian.

Really. I have no words.

Wonderful, I'll call my secretary
and we'll do it live.

You're a great man, Avihai.
-Take some gum.

Wow, Kohava, you're the best.

Kohava team or not Kohava team?
-Wow, so Kohava team.

But I want it subtle, okay?
Just a bit of shape. -Sure, sure.

I'll give you a great shape.

Look at the nose,
like Michael Douglas.

Are you insane?!

Kohava!
What have you done to me?!

Sweetie...

I'm telling you, it's chic.
-I'll tear you apart! -What's this?

Let me fix it. -Kohava!
-Pretty Kohava, if you please.

Issachar Bounty's objective
is social involvement in the community.

And to be honest,
I would do much more

to save Tikva's life. -Tova.
-Tova's life. -Tova.

At Issachar Bounty,
our customers are like family. -Yes.

"Like family," write it down,
it's a good sentence.

Okay. -Write it, write it,
so you don't forget. -Okay.

So when's the operation?
-Actually, as we speak.

They left for Colorado two days ago.

I was supposed to go with them
to Colorado,

but with all my other volunteer work,
I don't have time.

Oh, excuse me, excuse me.

Yes, and the headline should be:
"The Saint from Yavne".

That's what they called me
in the army. It's coming full circle.

"Coming full circle," you got that?
Write it down.

Who was that?

What is it? Talk to me.

-Yes, what about Tova?

To... Tova... -Tova what?

Tova is... -She's what? What?
Let it out, spill it.

Tova is... deceased.

Which Tova?

Tova Tova.
-Tova Tova?

Tova Tova. -Deceased?

You mean, dead?

It seems that after the surgery
the orderly...

didn't notice and she...

rolled down the stairs.
-Whoosh, rolled down the stairs?

and she rolled down the stairs?

You and your dinky sad sacks!

Me? -Yes, you!
-What did I do?

Okay, I think I'll... go.
-But...

Why do all the bad things
happen to me? Why?

Avihai, a woman
just rolled to her death.

Okay, okay, fine, I heard you,
she rolled to her death.

At least I saved 12,000.
Cancel the installments. -Avihai. -What?

It's an NPO, the surgery was done,
it was paid. -An NPO? So what?

Wait, let me get this straight,
I have to pay 300 each month

for an operation
for a woman who croaked?!

I didn't... -You didn't?!
You swindled me!

You swindled me!

You can't do anything right!
Nothing!

Oh yeah?
You said I'm very good at dinky.

Nissim, why aren't you looking?
Look at my cheek.

Anatoly, for the four thousandth time,
you don't have dimples.

How can that be? Look.

That's your smile?

If I go like that,
I'll have dimples too.

Great, now the dimple's stressed,
it went back in.

Ah, Kohava.
-"Pretty Kohava".

Where, is she back?
-No, I'm "pretty Kohava".

What's wrong, Kohava?
-What's wrong?

"Cat on the head Kohava"
doesn't work here anymore.

Hence, I'm "pretty Kohava".
Two plus two...

She doesn't work here
because you cut off all her hair.

That's your interpretation,
I'm not getting into it.

It's her right to leave.
"Pretty Kohava" doesn't judge.

You mean "Kohava".
-No! I mean "pretty Kohava".

Why the nickname if there's only
one Kohava? No confusion.

Would it hurt you
to call me "pretty Kohava"?!

Alright, that's enough,
you're "pretty Kohava".

No! No! No!

Don't do me any favors,
you have to mean it,

it has to come from the heart.
-Alright already. Wait, Kohava!

Shut your mouth!
-"Pretty Kohava"!

She's not right in the head.

It seems that "bald Kohava" is still
etched in their minds as "pretty Kohava".

But they will call me "pretty Kohava".
By their hooks and their crooks.

I'm telling you
for the 4,000th time,

the patient died! She croaked!
She rolled to her forefathers!

Tell me,
what am I paying 12,000 for?

The hole she lives in?
What am I paying for?

There wasn't even a return flight.

She hung up.

Naomi. -Huh?
-How much schooling do you have?

Three years.

You dropped out in 3rd grade?

Oh, this is our manager.

Excuse me?

This is the lovely girl I told you
wants to work here. -Ah.

Okay, nice to meet you, Shira.
-Kohava, nice to meet you.

Kohava?

Some coincidence.

We have lots of Kohavas these days.

What can you do?
It's a popular name. -Yes.

Okay then, Kohava,
tell me about yourself.

Yes, you stay here and chat.
-Alright, Kohava.

Get to know one another,
and introduce her to all the employees.

To you too.

Genius, huh? You tell me.
Genius or not genius?

"Issachar Bounty"

And that goes for working barefoot.
-Next, next, next.

Alright, I want to introduce
our new employee,

whose name is also,
imagine this, Kohava.

What a coinkidink!
-Totally.

So now we have two Kohavas.

We need a way to distinguish between us,
to avoid confusion.

I suggest
you call her "Kohava"

and you call me...
-Hold on, hold on!

I totally forgot!
A spicy anecdote.

Our new Kohava
is a standup comic too. -No!

Really?
-Imagine that, I'm not just a pretty face.

As I said, as they say.

Tell me, Kohava, is it true that standup comics
make bucket loads of money?

If you're good.
-And if you're not good?

Then you work at a supermarket.

What's funny about that?
-Kohava, do some bit from your show.

Yes. -No...
-Do it, do it.

Kohava!

Kohava!

Kohava!

Okay, I was arrested for speeding.

It's not enough that you're arrested,
why do they ask such stupid questions?

"Why were you driving so fast?"

Because I didn't see you.

And he goes on:
"Didn't you read the sign?"

You know what speed I was going,
did I have time to read?

Funny!
-More, more!

Kohava!

Mr. Grazian, it's good to see you.

What's up?
-It's not easy, you know.

We had high hopes with the surgery
and then...

What's that watch?

What?

Is that a "Rolex"?
I don't understand what you're saying.

Since when do you have it?
-Excuse me?

Shame on you.
That's my watch, give it back.

What are you talking about? -"Surgery overseas".
This is the surgery overseas!

It's my money, take off the watch.
-What are you talking about?

Take off the watch!
-Are you insane?!

It's my money!
-Let go of my watch!

Give it back!
"Surgery" he says.

You went overseas
and bought a watch? -Go away!

12,000 shekels!
-He's crazy! He's crazy!

My hair's not receding,
it's my natural hairline.

Anatoly.
-What? Ask Kohava.

Kohava, did you tell Anatoly
he doesn't have a receding hairline?

Nt this Kohava,
"funny Kohava".

Idiot.

What?

She's "funny Kohava"?

I've been here for ten years,
I make you roll on the floor laughing

and now she's "funny Kohava"?!

What is it, Kohava?
Why the Steinbach face?

What's that?!

"Steinbuch face" is mine!
Don't you dare say it!

What's up with her?
Aunt Flo come to visit?

Aunt Flo...
-That's hilarious.

Turns out I'm "ugly Kohava".

The party pooper.

"Aunt Flo" Kohava.

It's not that bad, Avihai,
look, the angle is flattering.

"The monster from Yavne.

'"Issachar Bounty' manager
punches widower..."

I don't know who does your PR,
give him a kiss from me.

Oh, yeah? -Hamusta... -You know what?
I'll give you a surgery to fund!

You don't solve violence with violence!

What a tasty apple.