Cash Register (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Kochava returns to Israel - full transcript
A video of Kochava raising havoc on an airplane, goes viral on the internet.
Are you going to say "action"?
What's your name?
-I...
You know..
I'm Ramzi Abed Ramzi
and I've worked here
since I was 13,
since my Bar Mitzvah.
Just kidding.
I'm from a totally
different religion.
I'm a senior general employee.
I'm like the manager's...
right-hand man.
The supermarket is my home.
Is it fun working here?
It's more than fun.
I feel I have a mission.
I love helping customers.
It's a skill I inherited
from my mom,
serving people.
She always served my dad.
"Night has fallen, my beloved,
"leave me now.
"Night has fallen, my beloved..."
Again?
"Leave me and flee,
"for my temples pound,
"for my heart hammers,
"for the sun, O the sun,
"will not shine upon me."
That's a really good poem.
Okay, enough.
That's it for "A Poem A Day."
I hope it inspires you
for the rest of the shift.
Nissim?
Inspiration.
Thanks.
One last thing.
Lately I've noticed
a drop-off in discipline
when it comes to personal belongings.
What did I find yesterday?
This.
Anyone recognize it?
-Me!
It's a hoodie.
It's a sweatshirt with a hood.
Whose is it?
Get that away from me.
What a stench...
Let's see?
It's mine.
-All right, then.
Thanks.
-You're welcome.
Well?
-Get that away from me.
Does it bother you?
My dear Anatoly, luckily for you
I found it at closing time,
but what if someone less ethical
had found it and taken it?
Who'd take that?
Not even the city dump.
Thanks, Shira.
That's not the point.
First it's a hoodie,
then it's a lighter,
then it's a keychain.
I can't keep picking up
after you.
I request...
Actually, I demand...
that you take care of
your personal belongings.
Is that clear?
Yes, Big Boss.
Besides Ramzi?
Yes.
-Yes, it's clear.
All right. Back to work.
Thank you.
Until I was eight
I was like my employees.
I lost everything.
Bicycles, dolls, you name it...
What's this?
Whose is this?
You guys, what did we just say?
Whose is this?
Until one day my dad
taught me a lesson I'll never forget,
and ever since, I've kept
a close eye on my things.
Now you're going to do the same
to your employees?
You have..
a gift for management,
take it from me.
Look, "Super Issachar."
A new worker joined us
this morning.
Pardon me if I'm
a little emotional.
This doesn't happen every day.
It's usually every other day.
Let me help you.
Take off your shirt.
Since this morning I've had
pasta butterflies in my stomach.
We must make a good impression.
You have a thick neck.
One last thing.
Check this out.
Today I had the honor of breaking in
Mr. Daisy Niverson.
A new employee is like...
a baby.
You watch him
do his first inventory...
Mumble his first catalog number...
Be disappointed by
his first paycheck.
As Ehud Manor said,
"This is my second childhood."
Almost. You try.
Go!
Harder!
Try this method.
It's the 5-shpritz method.
Ready?
Look down, not at me.
And...
There's this method, too.
One... and... two.
Go!
Nice. Now reverse.
Backwards. Backwards!
Cui the wheel! Hard!
«
£ut the wheel!
That's the ticket.
Keep going. Keep going.
Keep going.
Keep going. Very good.
After I teach new workers the ropes
I watch the veterans with them
so they see the kind of skill
we expect of them.
Can you throw this out for me?
Anything else?
-Yeah.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
Do I look like
the Sanitation Department?
Let's come back for Estie's shift.
After seeing Cochava's
problematic example
I took Daisy
to a department
that's all about service,
quality
and professionalism.
There's a hair in here.
That's not a hair,
that's chicken fur.
Since when do chickens
have black curls?
You not only eat chicken,
you decide what haircut it gets?
Want it? Take it.
Don't want it? Shabbat Shalom.
I'm taking a break.
Come, come, Daisy, come.
Don't look. come.
Bad luck.
Must've been an off day.
In order to give Daisy
a better impression
I decided to take him
to watch the supermarket elder
to see the heights
he can reach
if he works hard.
This is our Hezzy.
See how nicely he works
with the latex gloves.
Neat and clean.
You know what?
Let's start in the storeroom
and that's it, okay?
This is the worst
workplace I've ever seen.
And I was a slave for a Bedouin family
for two years.
What's going on, man?
What's going on? My phone.
What about it?
I can't find it. Where is it?
All my pictures of Masha
are on it.
Uh-oh..
Nissim, phone me.
Why are you so worried?
It's off.
Off? -Yes.
Oh, no.
C'mon, Nissim.
What?
Very funny.
-What?
Where is it?
Where's what?
Nissim, I try be calm.
Where is phone?
I didn't touch it, I swear.
Then who touch it?
It was just here.
How should I know?
What's your problem?
New worker.
What about him?
New worker from Sudan.
Thief!
Anatoly, relax.
Don't "Anatoly, relax" me!
I take chicken knife!
Where is chicken knife..
Whoa, he steal chicken knife
too, Nissim.
What a thief.
-Are you crazy?
There's the chicken knife,
under the invoices.
Relax. Why would he
steal your phone?
Then who stole it?
Santa Claus?
The other day I have phone,
the day before I have phone,
yesterday I have phone,
Sudan comes, no phone.
Nissim, it's first grade math!
Hey, calm down, Anatoly!
Where is he?
Did Hezzy forget to spray
the toilet again?
He thinks the Sudanese guy
stole his phone.
Not thinks. I know.
Where are you, nice little Sudan?
I know you take my telephone!
Why him?
Why him?
-Yeah.
Why him?
Because all Sudans are thieves...
Since when are you a racist?
Did you forget what people said
when you came here?
Mafia,
tracksuit-wearers, pork-eaters.
You were so offended.
Tracksuit is comfortable.
Pork is tasty.
Half my friends in Mafia.
Why offended?
You can't judge people
by their race.
And you know me,
I'm as racist as they get.
A Chinaman elbows me
on the bus,
I shower in boiling water.
Anyone who touches me
unintentionally, I shower.
If it's intentional, cool.
who can it be, Cochava?
How should I know?
Don't jump to conclusions.
Call...
What's his name again?
-Moshe.
Not Moshe, the other guy.
-The security officer?
Ofer, Ofer.
Was Moshe fired?
-Yeah.
Call Ofer the security officer
and ask him.
I know you don't have a phone.
He's pissed off as it is.
I'll call for you.
Where's my phone?
Where is it?
-What's the matter?
I can't believe it!
That wooly mammoth!
What's wrong, Cochava?
-What's wrong?’
He ripped me off, too!
-Who?
"Who"?
The new worker, that's who!
How do you know it was him?
How do I know it was him?
You're really pissing me off now.
Yesterday I had my phone,
the other day I had my phone,
the day before that I had my phone,
the new worker shows up,
no phone.
Do the math, Nissim!
One plus one plus one plus one!
What's wrong?
-What's wrong?
Sudan stole my phone.
Watch your mouth!
Stop the camera.
-What?
Ask again.
Ask what's wrong.
What's wrong?
The new worker stole our phones.
Because he's Sudan.
Yes, but I don't suspect him
because he's Sudan,
I suspect him because he's new.
To suspect him because
he's Sudanese is racist.
To suspect someone
because he's new
is common sense.
Hey, bro. Hey, bro.
Hey, bro!
Can you buy us some cigarettes?
"Hey, bro?"
Please..
They're assholes in there.
I turned 18 two weeks ago
but I left my ID at home.
For fuck's sake, ease
"For fuck's sake"?
Do a good deed,
don't be an asshole.
No problem.
What are you doing?!
A good deed.
They want cigarettes...
Go beat up some homeless people
instead of jiving me.
Go!
Okay...
-Go!
Damn, what's with him?
-Damn-spam.
Damn-spam-jam!
Why should I,
a history professor,
buy cigarettes for those hoodlums
like some criminal?
I've never felt so disgusted.
99 agorot a kilo?
I haven't seen such a bargain
since the post-war rationing.
Finally a decent deal
in your crappy store.
What's that?
Cucumbers.
I made them round
and painted them red.
What do you think they are?
Tomatoes.
You have 20 kilos here.
-So?
The offer is for up to 3 kilos.
What do you mean?
Up to 3 kilos per purchase.
What are we, wholesalers?
You think this is a tomato factory?
Then just ring these up.
All right.
Here.
-Thanks.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Someone come here
and take away...
Good morning.
Amnon.
-Cochava.
You just bought 3 kilos, right?
You said "3 kilos per purchase."
This is a different purchase.
Amnon.
I've had it up to here with you,
I'm tired,
and I can't stand seeing
your idiotic face!
Why don't you buy some eggs
and we'll make an omelet?
How about a nice gazpacho?!
What's up, bandits?
-What do you want?
You wanted cigarettes, didn't you?
-So?
Still want them?
You serious?
I'm serious. But...
First a small favor.
Don't listen to him.
He's like that old pervert
from the shortcut.
No, no, no.
Not that kind of favor.
Something else.
Couldn't find a sucker
to buy you cigarettes
so you're smoking tomatoes?
No, they're to throw at
our Lit teacher.
Who, Carmella?
That wooly mammoth.
I hope the tomatoes are hard.
18 kilos for 20 shekels.
Best deal I ever made.
My mom will be proud.
I can't believe it...
I locked them in.
What?
I can't believe I locked them in!
I locked them in!
I'm such an idiot!
I locked them in.
I locked them in! Help!
Where are they?
Where are the kids?
What kids? The tomatoes!
They won't survive this heat.
Where are you going?
Help me.
Help me save them.
You're heartless!
18 kilos of tomatoes locked in
a car in the Middle East
is a recipe for disaster.
You can make sun-dried tomatoes.
Now you're a comedian?
There are things you don't laugh at!
Where is he?
What?
-Where's that creep?
Did Hezzy forget to spray
the toilets again?
No, we're looking for the new worker.
Who, Daisy?
Daisy-Shmaisy.
That Shmaisy stole our phones.
Oy vey.
Ov vey zmir.
How do you know he did it?
It's that Sudan!
All Sudans are thieves.
-He's new.
All the newbies steal.
You guys,
if you have no proof
we can't accuse him.
We sure can.
That's a serious accusation.
If we accuse him
and it turns out it wasn't him,
how will we live with ourselves?
Easily.
He's a thief.
But we aren't sure.
You need evidence
for such a serious accusation.
A proper investigation.
This isn't the farmer's market,
it's a supermarket.
Which is like a farmer's market
but with AC.
And where there's AC
there should be order!
I don't...
I don't see what you're getting at.
Give me a few hours
to investigate
and I'll find the culprit
and get back your devices.
One hour.
Ramzi,
if you find my phone...
I don't look at the pictures.
No problem.
And if you do look..
don't judge.
You got it.
And if you know anyone who...
might be interested,
you can forward them.
Sure.
Thanks.
You call yourself
The Speedy Locksmith?
Put some speed on.
Chill, Grandpa. Two minutes.
"Chill," he says...
I locked my daughter in the car!
Help!
Wait your turn, lady.
Where are you going?
My tomatoes have been
locked in for an hour,
her daughter's only been there
two seconds!
You jerk!
I'm returning these.
What is that?
The tomatoes you sold me.
Cash refund, please.
Hey, Mr. Tomato.
Can we get another carton?
Another carton?
Here's your carton!
The Smartphone Caper
is one of the gravest cases
to reach my shelf.
And therefore..
I've decided to sacrifice my phone.
You guys?
I've cracked the Smartphone Caper.
Well?
-Who is it?
It's the new guy. I knew it.
Didn't I say so?
Cochava...
Didn't I say s
It's not the new guy.
Oh, okay.
After a concerted investigation
in which...
I spared no expense,
neither technological
nor intellectual,
I've identified the phone thief.
The thief is none other than..
Estie! I told you so.
Are Ethiopians the same as Sudanese?
-The same!
Don't say you didn't do
I told you so...
It's not Estie.
Sorry, my mistake.
Ethiopians aren't the same
as Sudanese.
Sorry.
The thief is...
He, she...
Naomi.
-Hey?
Don't "hey" me.
I told you so.
-Shh.
Didn't I tell you so?
-Shh!
It's not Naomi, either.
Oh. Sorry, my bad.
You're my friend. You wouldn't steal.
The thief...
The thief..
is...
Well?
Come in.
There you are.
-Thanks.
Shira.
Yes, how can I help you?
How? I'll tell you how!
-Cochava!
We said I'd talk.
Sorry. Go ahead.
Shira...
-Yes?
You know how much
we love you.
All of us. Really.
But lately...
we suspect you might be...
A thief!
Cochava.
-No, no, excuse me!
"We suspect," "might be..."
Spit it out!
Listen, Antenna-Face,
with all due respect,
your darling boy here discovered
that you stole our phones.
He caught you in the act.
I curse the day I took the case.
Sorry, Big Boss.
never dreamed it was you.
Can I say something?
-Go ahead.
It's true, I took your phones.
What has this world come to?
It's stranger than fiction.
But there's a reason I took them.
I'm sure there is.
To sell them at the bus station
and cash in on us.
I took your phones
to teach you a lesson.
A lesson in cashing in on us
at the bus station.
Exactly.
It all began
22 years ago.
What?
My father bought me
a matt-pink bicycle
with a big basket.
It's not bad enough
that you ripped us off,
now you tell us about
your rich daddy
and his baskets?
Cochava, may I continue?
Yes.
I left my pink bicycle unattended
and it was stolen.
I returned home
and my father,
who'd just got home from work,
entered the house.
I approached him
and said: "Father.
"Hey, Father,
"my bicycle was stolen.
"We must find the thief."
I gaze at him with a teary-eyed,
childlike look.
My father looks at me angrily:
No need to search for
the thief, Shira.
"No need.
"The thief is here."
"Where?
"Where is the thief, Father?"
"It is I"
"I am the thief!
"I took your bicycle
"to teach you a lesson.
"Go to your room!"
he said, and slammed the door.
Ever since, I've kept
a close eye on my things.
So?
What, "so"?
I did the same thing to you.
I don't have a bicycle.
Not with a bicycle,
I did the same thing
with your phones.
Hold on. You took our phones
because your father
stole your bike?
I was trying...
-And then you waste our time
with your story!
Stop right there.
I tried to teach you the moral
that my father taught me.
Isn't that wonderful?
I'm not in school any more!
We got your moral.
The moral is, we have a boss
who's both a thief and boring.
First she steals our phones,
then she bores us to death.
I'm sure
that from now on you'll keep
a close eye on your things,
just like me.
Are you crazy?
It's a test.
Why test us, Ramzi?
What are we, psychos?
We're one big family.
Families have bad blood, too.
C'mon, Cochava...
-What?
C'mon already!
-Really.
I can't find the phones.
Because you don't lock up!
Are you crazy?!
I steal your cookies
whenever I feel like it,
why wouldn't they take our phones?
Maybe your father came
to teach us a lesson.
Stop goofing around, lady!
You know how long it took
to find that case?!
His wife is pregnant!
On one hand
my father's lesson...
went slightly awry,
but on the other hand
my employees learned that I,
despite my aura of perfection
and supposed superpowers
as manager,
can also be delinquent
when it comes to
personal belongings.
That's also an important lesson.
So who really took the phnes?
I guess we'll never know.
Whether or not
I'm a thief,
they'll always suspeet me,
but at least I'll have
some dhones.
Each one is worth 400 shekels.
Daddy?
Shira.
No, I was just wondering,
were you at the store today
by any chance?
What's your name?
-I...
You know..
I'm Ramzi Abed Ramzi
and I've worked here
since I was 13,
since my Bar Mitzvah.
Just kidding.
I'm from a totally
different religion.
I'm a senior general employee.
I'm like the manager's...
right-hand man.
The supermarket is my home.
Is it fun working here?
It's more than fun.
I feel I have a mission.
I love helping customers.
It's a skill I inherited
from my mom,
serving people.
She always served my dad.
"Night has fallen, my beloved,
"leave me now.
"Night has fallen, my beloved..."
Again?
"Leave me and flee,
"for my temples pound,
"for my heart hammers,
"for the sun, O the sun,
"will not shine upon me."
That's a really good poem.
Okay, enough.
That's it for "A Poem A Day."
I hope it inspires you
for the rest of the shift.
Nissim?
Inspiration.
Thanks.
One last thing.
Lately I've noticed
a drop-off in discipline
when it comes to personal belongings.
What did I find yesterday?
This.
Anyone recognize it?
-Me!
It's a hoodie.
It's a sweatshirt with a hood.
Whose is it?
Get that away from me.
What a stench...
Let's see?
It's mine.
-All right, then.
Thanks.
-You're welcome.
Well?
-Get that away from me.
Does it bother you?
My dear Anatoly, luckily for you
I found it at closing time,
but what if someone less ethical
had found it and taken it?
Who'd take that?
Not even the city dump.
Thanks, Shira.
That's not the point.
First it's a hoodie,
then it's a lighter,
then it's a keychain.
I can't keep picking up
after you.
I request...
Actually, I demand...
that you take care of
your personal belongings.
Is that clear?
Yes, Big Boss.
Besides Ramzi?
Yes.
-Yes, it's clear.
All right. Back to work.
Thank you.
Until I was eight
I was like my employees.
I lost everything.
Bicycles, dolls, you name it...
What's this?
Whose is this?
You guys, what did we just say?
Whose is this?
Until one day my dad
taught me a lesson I'll never forget,
and ever since, I've kept
a close eye on my things.
Now you're going to do the same
to your employees?
You have..
a gift for management,
take it from me.
Look, "Super Issachar."
A new worker joined us
this morning.
Pardon me if I'm
a little emotional.
This doesn't happen every day.
It's usually every other day.
Let me help you.
Take off your shirt.
Since this morning I've had
pasta butterflies in my stomach.
We must make a good impression.
You have a thick neck.
One last thing.
Check this out.
Today I had the honor of breaking in
Mr. Daisy Niverson.
A new employee is like...
a baby.
You watch him
do his first inventory...
Mumble his first catalog number...
Be disappointed by
his first paycheck.
As Ehud Manor said,
"This is my second childhood."
Almost. You try.
Go!
Harder!
Try this method.
It's the 5-shpritz method.
Ready?
Look down, not at me.
And...
There's this method, too.
One... and... two.
Go!
Nice. Now reverse.
Backwards. Backwards!
Cui the wheel! Hard!
«
£ut the wheel!
That's the ticket.
Keep going. Keep going.
Keep going.
Keep going. Very good.
After I teach new workers the ropes
I watch the veterans with them
so they see the kind of skill
we expect of them.
Can you throw this out for me?
Anything else?
-Yeah.
Thanks.
What are you doing?
Do I look like
the Sanitation Department?
Let's come back for Estie's shift.
After seeing Cochava's
problematic example
I took Daisy
to a department
that's all about service,
quality
and professionalism.
There's a hair in here.
That's not a hair,
that's chicken fur.
Since when do chickens
have black curls?
You not only eat chicken,
you decide what haircut it gets?
Want it? Take it.
Don't want it? Shabbat Shalom.
I'm taking a break.
Come, come, Daisy, come.
Don't look. come.
Bad luck.
Must've been an off day.
In order to give Daisy
a better impression
I decided to take him
to watch the supermarket elder
to see the heights
he can reach
if he works hard.
This is our Hezzy.
See how nicely he works
with the latex gloves.
Neat and clean.
You know what?
Let's start in the storeroom
and that's it, okay?
This is the worst
workplace I've ever seen.
And I was a slave for a Bedouin family
for two years.
What's going on, man?
What's going on? My phone.
What about it?
I can't find it. Where is it?
All my pictures of Masha
are on it.
Uh-oh..
Nissim, phone me.
Why are you so worried?
It's off.
Off? -Yes.
Oh, no.
C'mon, Nissim.
What?
Very funny.
-What?
Where is it?
Where's what?
Nissim, I try be calm.
Where is phone?
I didn't touch it, I swear.
Then who touch it?
It was just here.
How should I know?
What's your problem?
New worker.
What about him?
New worker from Sudan.
Thief!
Anatoly, relax.
Don't "Anatoly, relax" me!
I take chicken knife!
Where is chicken knife..
Whoa, he steal chicken knife
too, Nissim.
What a thief.
-Are you crazy?
There's the chicken knife,
under the invoices.
Relax. Why would he
steal your phone?
Then who stole it?
Santa Claus?
The other day I have phone,
the day before I have phone,
yesterday I have phone,
Sudan comes, no phone.
Nissim, it's first grade math!
Hey, calm down, Anatoly!
Where is he?
Did Hezzy forget to spray
the toilet again?
He thinks the Sudanese guy
stole his phone.
Not thinks. I know.
Where are you, nice little Sudan?
I know you take my telephone!
Why him?
Why him?
-Yeah.
Why him?
Because all Sudans are thieves...
Since when are you a racist?
Did you forget what people said
when you came here?
Mafia,
tracksuit-wearers, pork-eaters.
You were so offended.
Tracksuit is comfortable.
Pork is tasty.
Half my friends in Mafia.
Why offended?
You can't judge people
by their race.
And you know me,
I'm as racist as they get.
A Chinaman elbows me
on the bus,
I shower in boiling water.
Anyone who touches me
unintentionally, I shower.
If it's intentional, cool.
who can it be, Cochava?
How should I know?
Don't jump to conclusions.
Call...
What's his name again?
-Moshe.
Not Moshe, the other guy.
-The security officer?
Ofer, Ofer.
Was Moshe fired?
-Yeah.
Call Ofer the security officer
and ask him.
I know you don't have a phone.
He's pissed off as it is.
I'll call for you.
Where's my phone?
Where is it?
-What's the matter?
I can't believe it!
That wooly mammoth!
What's wrong, Cochava?
-What's wrong?’
He ripped me off, too!
-Who?
"Who"?
The new worker, that's who!
How do you know it was him?
How do I know it was him?
You're really pissing me off now.
Yesterday I had my phone,
the other day I had my phone,
the day before that I had my phone,
the new worker shows up,
no phone.
Do the math, Nissim!
One plus one plus one plus one!
What's wrong?
-What's wrong?
Sudan stole my phone.
Watch your mouth!
Stop the camera.
-What?
Ask again.
Ask what's wrong.
What's wrong?
The new worker stole our phones.
Because he's Sudan.
Yes, but I don't suspect him
because he's Sudan,
I suspect him because he's new.
To suspect him because
he's Sudanese is racist.
To suspect someone
because he's new
is common sense.
Hey, bro. Hey, bro.
Hey, bro!
Can you buy us some cigarettes?
"Hey, bro?"
Please..
They're assholes in there.
I turned 18 two weeks ago
but I left my ID at home.
For fuck's sake, ease
"For fuck's sake"?
Do a good deed,
don't be an asshole.
No problem.
What are you doing?!
A good deed.
They want cigarettes...
Go beat up some homeless people
instead of jiving me.
Go!
Okay...
-Go!
Damn, what's with him?
-Damn-spam.
Damn-spam-jam!
Why should I,
a history professor,
buy cigarettes for those hoodlums
like some criminal?
I've never felt so disgusted.
99 agorot a kilo?
I haven't seen such a bargain
since the post-war rationing.
Finally a decent deal
in your crappy store.
What's that?
Cucumbers.
I made them round
and painted them red.
What do you think they are?
Tomatoes.
You have 20 kilos here.
-So?
The offer is for up to 3 kilos.
What do you mean?
Up to 3 kilos per purchase.
What are we, wholesalers?
You think this is a tomato factory?
Then just ring these up.
All right.
Here.
-Thanks.
Thank you.
Goodbye.
Someone come here
and take away...
Good morning.
Amnon.
-Cochava.
You just bought 3 kilos, right?
You said "3 kilos per purchase."
This is a different purchase.
Amnon.
I've had it up to here with you,
I'm tired,
and I can't stand seeing
your idiotic face!
Why don't you buy some eggs
and we'll make an omelet?
How about a nice gazpacho?!
What's up, bandits?
-What do you want?
You wanted cigarettes, didn't you?
-So?
Still want them?
You serious?
I'm serious. But...
First a small favor.
Don't listen to him.
He's like that old pervert
from the shortcut.
No, no, no.
Not that kind of favor.
Something else.
Couldn't find a sucker
to buy you cigarettes
so you're smoking tomatoes?
No, they're to throw at
our Lit teacher.
Who, Carmella?
That wooly mammoth.
I hope the tomatoes are hard.
18 kilos for 20 shekels.
Best deal I ever made.
My mom will be proud.
I can't believe it...
I locked them in.
What?
I can't believe I locked them in!
I locked them in!
I'm such an idiot!
I locked them in.
I locked them in! Help!
Where are they?
Where are the kids?
What kids? The tomatoes!
They won't survive this heat.
Where are you going?
Help me.
Help me save them.
You're heartless!
18 kilos of tomatoes locked in
a car in the Middle East
is a recipe for disaster.
You can make sun-dried tomatoes.
Now you're a comedian?
There are things you don't laugh at!
Where is he?
What?
-Where's that creep?
Did Hezzy forget to spray
the toilets again?
No, we're looking for the new worker.
Who, Daisy?
Daisy-Shmaisy.
That Shmaisy stole our phones.
Oy vey.
Ov vey zmir.
How do you know he did it?
It's that Sudan!
All Sudans are thieves.
-He's new.
All the newbies steal.
You guys,
if you have no proof
we can't accuse him.
We sure can.
That's a serious accusation.
If we accuse him
and it turns out it wasn't him,
how will we live with ourselves?
Easily.
He's a thief.
But we aren't sure.
You need evidence
for such a serious accusation.
A proper investigation.
This isn't the farmer's market,
it's a supermarket.
Which is like a farmer's market
but with AC.
And where there's AC
there should be order!
I don't...
I don't see what you're getting at.
Give me a few hours
to investigate
and I'll find the culprit
and get back your devices.
One hour.
Ramzi,
if you find my phone...
I don't look at the pictures.
No problem.
And if you do look..
don't judge.
You got it.
And if you know anyone who...
might be interested,
you can forward them.
Sure.
Thanks.
You call yourself
The Speedy Locksmith?
Put some speed on.
Chill, Grandpa. Two minutes.
"Chill," he says...
I locked my daughter in the car!
Help!
Wait your turn, lady.
Where are you going?
My tomatoes have been
locked in for an hour,
her daughter's only been there
two seconds!
You jerk!
I'm returning these.
What is that?
The tomatoes you sold me.
Cash refund, please.
Hey, Mr. Tomato.
Can we get another carton?
Another carton?
Here's your carton!
The Smartphone Caper
is one of the gravest cases
to reach my shelf.
And therefore..
I've decided to sacrifice my phone.
You guys?
I've cracked the Smartphone Caper.
Well?
-Who is it?
It's the new guy. I knew it.
Didn't I say so?
Cochava...
Didn't I say s
It's not the new guy.
Oh, okay.
After a concerted investigation
in which...
I spared no expense,
neither technological
nor intellectual,
I've identified the phone thief.
The thief is none other than..
Estie! I told you so.
Are Ethiopians the same as Sudanese?
-The same!
Don't say you didn't do
I told you so...
It's not Estie.
Sorry, my mistake.
Ethiopians aren't the same
as Sudanese.
Sorry.
The thief is...
He, she...
Naomi.
-Hey?
Don't "hey" me.
I told you so.
-Shh.
Didn't I tell you so?
-Shh!
It's not Naomi, either.
Oh. Sorry, my bad.
You're my friend. You wouldn't steal.
The thief...
The thief..
is...
Well?
Come in.
There you are.
-Thanks.
Shira.
Yes, how can I help you?
How? I'll tell you how!
-Cochava!
We said I'd talk.
Sorry. Go ahead.
Shira...
-Yes?
You know how much
we love you.
All of us. Really.
But lately...
we suspect you might be...
A thief!
Cochava.
-No, no, excuse me!
"We suspect," "might be..."
Spit it out!
Listen, Antenna-Face,
with all due respect,
your darling boy here discovered
that you stole our phones.
He caught you in the act.
I curse the day I took the case.
Sorry, Big Boss.
never dreamed it was you.
Can I say something?
-Go ahead.
It's true, I took your phones.
What has this world come to?
It's stranger than fiction.
But there's a reason I took them.
I'm sure there is.
To sell them at the bus station
and cash in on us.
I took your phones
to teach you a lesson.
A lesson in cashing in on us
at the bus station.
Exactly.
It all began
22 years ago.
What?
My father bought me
a matt-pink bicycle
with a big basket.
It's not bad enough
that you ripped us off,
now you tell us about
your rich daddy
and his baskets?
Cochava, may I continue?
Yes.
I left my pink bicycle unattended
and it was stolen.
I returned home
and my father,
who'd just got home from work,
entered the house.
I approached him
and said: "Father.
"Hey, Father,
"my bicycle was stolen.
"We must find the thief."
I gaze at him with a teary-eyed,
childlike look.
My father looks at me angrily:
No need to search for
the thief, Shira.
"No need.
"The thief is here."
"Where?
"Where is the thief, Father?"
"It is I"
"I am the thief!
"I took your bicycle
"to teach you a lesson.
"Go to your room!"
he said, and slammed the door.
Ever since, I've kept
a close eye on my things.
So?
What, "so"?
I did the same thing to you.
I don't have a bicycle.
Not with a bicycle,
I did the same thing
with your phones.
Hold on. You took our phones
because your father
stole your bike?
I was trying...
-And then you waste our time
with your story!
Stop right there.
I tried to teach you the moral
that my father taught me.
Isn't that wonderful?
I'm not in school any more!
We got your moral.
The moral is, we have a boss
who's both a thief and boring.
First she steals our phones,
then she bores us to death.
I'm sure
that from now on you'll keep
a close eye on your things,
just like me.
Are you crazy?
It's a test.
Why test us, Ramzi?
What are we, psychos?
We're one big family.
Families have bad blood, too.
C'mon, Cochava...
-What?
C'mon already!
-Really.
I can't find the phones.
Because you don't lock up!
Are you crazy?!
I steal your cookies
whenever I feel like it,
why wouldn't they take our phones?
Maybe your father came
to teach us a lesson.
Stop goofing around, lady!
You know how long it took
to find that case?!
His wife is pregnant!
On one hand
my father's lesson...
went slightly awry,
but on the other hand
my employees learned that I,
despite my aura of perfection
and supposed superpowers
as manager,
can also be delinquent
when it comes to
personal belongings.
That's also an important lesson.
So who really took the phnes?
I guess we'll never know.
Whether or not
I'm a thief,
they'll always suspeet me,
but at least I'll have
some dhones.
Each one is worth 400 shekels.
Daddy?
Shira.
No, I was just wondering,
were you at the store today
by any chance?