Cardinal Burns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript
OK, so let's get started.
We've got a lot to get through, OK?
Our pre-tax profits for the first
quarter were down 30% this year.
Oh, well. More for me.
That is not good, at all.
And also, with Janice
away all of next week,
Susan will be taking over
all of her accounts.
Hallelujah.
OK, James can you write down
60% for the first quarter, OK?
Our pre-tax profits for the first
quarter were down 30% this year.
That is not good, at all,
What do we do?
Well, it's not just us, it's
everybody, but we need to
try and fix it.
OK, if you look at this...
Hey, Sally.
Hello.
Have you got time for a quick flirt?
Um, yeah. Yeah, OK. Go on, then.
Um, markets are low...
Have you ever drunk
champagne on the London Eye?
No.
It's nice.
Two seconds. Don't go away.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Charlie. How you doing?
Yeah, all good.
Boring up there, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
What you doing?
Just flirting with Sally.
Cool.
Yeah, you should get involved.
Yeah, sod it.
I'll go for a flirt with Janice.
Good boy.
Psst.
Janice.
Oh, hi, Charlie. How are you?
Yeah, all good. Fancy a quick flirt?
Yeah, sure, OK.
Cool. Lunch time coming up soon.
What are you gonna have?
Just probably soup.
Just goes around and around
and around and around.
Oh, I'll be back.
How's it going?
I'm down with that.
Let's do it.
Hey, Janice.
Hey.
I'm just gonna finish up
your flirt with Charlie.
OK.
What's up, Sally?
Oh, hey, Charlie.
Soup?
Yeah.
Perfume going in,
poison coming out, huh?
The London Eye, huh.
Yeah.
You know, Sally,
they talk about the views,
but they never mention the queues.
Well, nice flirting with you, Sally.
Yeah, yeah.
See ya, then, Janice.
Bye.
So that's obviously not good.
You all know the difference
between 20% and 80%. Yeah.
Now we're looking at 10%.
Absolutely, yeah.
So, that just about wraps
everything up for the day.
Anyone have any other business
that they want to share?
No.
New Guy?
What is it?
It's a crystal,
nothing more, but if you turn
it this way and look into it,
it'll show you your dreams.
That's amazing.
Oh, wow!
How does he do that?
Well, if that's everything,
then that's lunch.
Liquid lunch?
Yeah, soup!
They say that everything
happens for a reason
and, right now, I'm still trying
to figure out what that reason is.
Welcome to my town - Kookyville.
Not a lot happens around here,
except the time a stranger
came into town,
walked into the local hospital
and swapped all the babies around.
I guess he figured it'd
make life more interesting
and, in a funny way,
he might have been right.
Well, as for me, my name's Mike.
That's me right there.
I'm imagining I'm visiting all
the cool places I'll never go,
like the Eiffel Tower,
the Great Wall of China,
or the Temple of Doom.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Mom-Dad.
I made you some breakfast.
We're plum out of milk.
So, Mike, tonight
I was wondering,
perhaps we could go for a drink,
you know, let our hair down.
Paint the town red.
I'm only 15, Mom-Dad.
Oh, Jeez! Unclench, Mike.
You should have seen me at that age.
Oh, by the way...
Mariah Carey's not
looking too well, Mike.
Perhaps you could take her
to see... Dr Rosenburg.
'Feeling blue, Mariah? Ditto.'
Hey, Dale.
Hey, Mike.
'That's Dale.
'He comes over every once in a
while and blocks our toilet.'
Oh, looks like somebody got out
of bed the right side this morning.
'Dale is the only person I've ever
known who can eat a hundred Twinkies
'all at once and still
have room for a Ding Dong.'
Oh, God! Oh, yeah!
Flip me round, flip me round!
Come on. Oh, yeah!
Oh, God! Oh, God, yeah!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
You're my Thursday night thing!
'If Mariah died who can I turn to,
question mark. Myself, Dale.
'Mom-Dad, question mark. The answer
was staring me right in the face.
'It was everyone, but at the same
time, no-one at all. Question mark.
'Oh, and that...'
Kooky freak!
'That's a hot dog. Period.'
Yo, my name is Switch,
and I'm a street poet and this
one is called Street Life.
Check it.
I am a wanderer, a drifter
A man on the street
I pound the concrete
With my two aching feet
Mum and Dad, how could you
be so selfish to me?
Why could you not have arranged
some kind of spare key?
Pop it under the plant pot
Hide it in the shed
It gets dark at 4 now, Mum
I could be dead
Mum works till 7
Dad gets home at 1O
So basically I
Am homeless till then.
That poem is for all the de-homed
people across the world and in
America.
Brap, brap!
As any girl will tell you, her 21st
birthday is a milestone in her life.
Well, this week it was
my 21st birthday party,
and this little fishy had hired
a swanky bar in London's
dazzling West End.
This was my chance to show the
London fashion world that I'd
finally arrived.
Would you like me take
this a bit higher?
Er, yeah. Landing strip, please.
And she'll have a star of David.
Oh, sank you.
Guys, I don't need to tell you
how important tonight is for me.
It would be great if you could
take care of people's coats,
look after drinks and spillages
and things like that,
but, most importantly, just
really enjoy yourselves, OK?
Ow! You batch!
Thanks, that's really pretty.
Yumi, what do I need
to do to motivate you?
Less chat, more vol-au-vents.
Rachel.
Oh, my God! Chris, hi!
This food is amazing! What is it?
Yeah, that's like a British-Asian
fusion. It was actually inspired
by my friendship with Yumi.
Oh, my God, you have to try
the Shitake bubble and squeak.
It is delish.
Go and check on the miso burgers.
Like, now!
Hai.
Oh, my God! Speech time.
I'm so nervous.
When I get nervous,
I focus on my breathing.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to
focus on your breathing, Olivia.
Tonight's not about you.
This, I have to do alone.
OK, everyone, first of all,
thanks for making it down
to my 21st birthday party.
It's so nice to see you
here all this evening.
Oh, my God. Remember to breathe.
Here goes.
I believe it was Ghandi
who once said that we...
She's ruined my party
and probably my life.
Why would she do that to me?
Maybe she's just jealous of you.
What of? My hair? My eyebrows?
My bone structure?
My pierced clitoral hood?
Her dad said she couldn't have one.
What if she wants to kill me?
Rachel, please.
Murderer!
Next week on Young Dreams...
Major decisions...
major revelations.
I'm pregnant.
Stop making this about you!
And major freak-outs!
Right, catch you later, homey.
Please remind me never to go for a
liquid lunch with the New Guy again!
Oh, Charlie!
Sorry.
Fancy a flirt?
We haven't one scheduled
have we, Charlie?
Oh, why, what? Sorry, did we forget
to put it in your blackberry?
Why's everything have
to be about scheduling?
You've all got to get out of this.
You're just a bunch of pencil
pushers. You're slaves.
You're all just cogs
in a big machine.
Finished those accounts
yet, Charlie?
Yeah, they'll be on your desk
first thing tomorrow, Karen.
Lovely.
What are you looking at?
Psst! Sally.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Liquid lunch - it's not soup.
'This is Dr Rosenburg.
He's Kookyville's town vet.
'He was having a shave one day
when he received news
'that his dog had been decapitated
by the school bus.
'Out of respect, he vowed he would
never fully shave again.'
The news isn't good, Mike.
I'm afraid your little friend here
is sadly no longer with us.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I know how much she meant to you.
How's Mom-Dad, Mike?
She's OK, I guess.
Well, you tell her
Dr Rosenburg says hi.
This is Mariah's death certificate.
You can fill it out
in the waiting room.
Goodbye, son.
Hey.
'That's Ed. And the guy holding him?
Well, that's Mr Fluffyface.
'This is Zooey.
'Her father is mayor of Kookyville.
'They live in a house made
of recycled burrito cartons.'
So, why you here?
Oh, sorry, that was totally
inappropriate.
I shouldn't have asked that.
That's OK.
My goldfish died.
Oh.
Conundrum.
What are you listening to?
Here.
Oh.
Great!
'It was at that moment, watching
Zooey dance, that I realised...'
Wooo!
And stay down, you kooky freak!
Woooo!
Right erm, Graham's outside,
so I'm off to do
my radio interview.
OK.
Who's under there? Hello?
Piss off.
See you later, have a good day.
'Today is a very
important day for me,
'as I'm off to do a live radio
interview to talk about my work.'
And I'm off to meet
the Doctor of Foxes, Neil Fox.
'Well, coming up later
on in the show
'we've got a very special guest.
'None other than the international
graffiti artist, Banksy.'
He just said your name!
Oh, brilliant!
I'm chuffed.
Oh, great.
You're listening to the sounds
of the underground.
Good though, isn't it?
Can of pop?
Are you sure we're allowed?
Course we are. You're the talent!
Oh, go on then. Don't mind if I do.
Banksy.
How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Do you guys want to come through?
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll watch through the glass.
OK, we'll be like monkeys
in the zoo.
Right then, it doesn't get better
than a little bit of Simply Red.
Good afternoon. If you've been
driving through London recently,
and you've looked out of your window
and you've seen a giant rat,
don't worry, it's not real.
It's probably the work of my next
fabulous guest on the show today,
internationally-renowned
street artist, Banksy.
Great to have you on the show.
So, why rats?
Well, that's a really good
question, Foxy.
I suppose it's my way of saying
that in today's society
we all live in a bit of a rat race.
Right then, we've got
some callers lined up
that are desperate
to speak to Banksy.
So, first up Louise.
You are on the line.
Hi, Louise.
'Hi, Banksy. Can I just say
I'm a huge fan of yours.'
Oh, thank you very much, thank you.
You've really, you've made my day.
'I just wanted to ask, where do you
get your inspiration from?'
I suppose I get a lot
of my inspiration
from what I call my bugbears,
and that can be anything
from capitalism, to, erm,
confectionery companies that have
changed their name unnecessarily.
Hand dryers that don't dry
hands properly,
that's a big bugbear of mine.
To the Royal Family,
the Conservative Party,
to too many sultanas in my muesli.
That's a big bugbear...
I think we've lost Louise.
Oh.
We've got other calls,
so don't worry.
Hello, there. You are through
to Banksy.
Hello!
'You're such a fucking shit artist,
give it up, you dickhead!'
Erm.
Stop painting, you prick!
Daniel? Is that you? It's Daddy.
Really sorry about the swearing,
everybody, there.
We'll be back after a tune.
Thanks for joining us.
Maybe it wasn't Daniel after all.
I'm not sure about that, Banks.
I mean, to me,
it sounded like Daniel.
Yeah, it did, but you have
to remember, Graham,
my work ruffles a lot
of people's feathers.
It could have been anybody.
No, I'm pretty certain
it was Daniel.
This is it, here we are,
finally arrived at the hide,
where I'm really hoping to catch
a glimpse of this rare bird.
Now, earlier today,
I was lucky to speak with a local
ranger who actually drew me
a picture of what I can expect to
encounter whilst I'm here, so...
Here's the drawing, and if you can
see here, there's the ranger, look,
And then, just next to him there,
is the Giant Robin.
Look at that.
Well, it's 2 o'clock, and still no
sign of the giant robin as of yet.
But, erm, I'm all set up anyway,
I've got my, my binoculars.
My camera, of course,
my flask of tea.
So, fingers crossed.
Six in the morning, and there's just
no sign of the Giant Robin.
Now, I remember speaking to the
ranger who did say that,
despite its size, the robin remains
a very timid bird.
I'm just worried that I've made
too much noise already
and scared it away.
OK, so it's taken two weeks
to get here and just...
just the thought of not
seeing it is just not,
not the way I wanted it to end.
I know he's out there somewhere.
No.
There's no point kidding myself,
it's obviously not going to happen.
♪ Ya-da-da-da ♪
♪ Ya-da-da-da ♪
All right, Terry.
What's with the bunting?
Oh, that. Funny story, actually.
Yeah?
You're going to like this one, Terry.
Am I?
Yeah.
All right, OK. I was sat at a
bus stop the other day, right.
Talking to this old dear.
Yeah.
Next thing,
this car's pulled up, right?
Car door opens,
this little Cuban heel pops out.
Guess who it is?
Bruno Mars.
Lord Alan Sugar.
No!
Yes.
He goes, "I'm running
for London Mayor
"and I could do with someone like you
to manage my campaign."
He goes "Get in the car."
What about the shopping?
That's what I said.
I said, "I've got freezer stuff
here, Alan."
He goes "Don't worry about that. My
chauffeur will put it in the fridge."
He goes "Come on, let's go and change
the world" and he's gone 'beep'...
Oh!
On my knob!
So, what do you have
to do for him, then?
- That's it. I had to come up
with some policies.
- Yeah.
I had to make some badges
and I had to iron some bunting.
Anyway, next day, right.
There's more, is there?
There's plenty more.
So, the next day, old Sugar-tits
emails me.
He goes "Why don't you come over
to my place tonight and we can
"discuss the campaign over a nice
bottle of plonk from my wine cellar?"
I bet he's got a nice cellar.
He's got a lovely cellar.
So I turn up, he's opened the door,
in his dressing gown,
he's half-pissed, his eyes are all
crazy, the music is blaring.
I'm like, "Are you all right Alan?"
He goes "Why?" He goes,
"Don't I look all right?"
Oh, dear.
And I'm like "Shall I come back
another time?"
And he goes, "No."
He goes, "You're here now."
Then he goes,
"What do you want from me?"
He goes, "Do you want my money?"
He threw a load of money
in my face, like that.
Oh, he was on one, weren't he?
Then out of the blue, right,
he goes "Do you fancy me?"
I'm like, "Oh, what are
you talking about, Alan?
"Stop it, cos you're starting
to wind me up!"
I says, "Sit down."
He goes, "Well, why don't
you fancy me?"
And I just snapped.
I goes, "I don't fancy you Alan,
"cos you look like
a half-shaved dog!"
Ha-ha! Oh, I bet he didn't
like that much.
No, no, the opposite.
He starts laughing and screaming
and giggling and all that.
I'm like, "Oh, he's
fucking lost it now!"
He goes "My employees think
I look like a half-shaved dog,
"my family think
I look like a half-shaved dog,
"even I think
I look a half-shaved dog,
"but you are the only person with the
balls big enough to tell it to me
"and that is why I'm head-over-heels
in love with you,
"you sexy little bastard."
So it weren't about
the policies after all?
No, it was all bullshit.
That's why I was so pissed off,
cos I'd been doing all this
work on these policies and he weren't
even running for mayor!
He goes "It's time for you to
leave." So they ran me home.
What about your shopping?
Well, that's it.
By this point it had all defrosted.
The chauffeur had kept
it in his boot the whole time.
They lied about the freezer
all along.
Could you not salvage any of it?
No, just the pasta and the dry stuff
but that point I was so over it,
I just slung it in the bin,
it was all tainted as far as I was
concerned, Terry, all tainted.
Hang on.
Hello?
Yeah, Lord Alan Sugar
will see you now.
Ah, shut up, Terry! Who is it?
Is it Ja-moush?
Lord Sugar.
Oh, shut up!
I'm going to need 500 lemons
by Friday!
'Mariah's death certificate
suddenly made everything
'seem so real.
'Sometimes I think I'll end up
just like Leicester Zimmerman,
'who shot his boss in the kneecaps
'and set up a lemonade stall
on his mom's lawn.'
You know how difficult it is
being a lemonade salesman?
Hmm? You need guts,
determination and lemons!
'So off I went, back home
to Mom-Dad.'
Yeah, I can hold.
'And on the way I bumped
into Arnie Pumpernickle.'
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Arnie.
'The most special guy in all of Kookyville.'
Come on, Ham.
Sorry to hear about Mariah.
That's OK.
Don't be sad.
I got you a present.
What is it?
It's a new Mariah Carey.
It's warm.
That's because I made it from my
toilet. Sssh!
'They say that everything
happens for a reason.
'And now, looking up
at my new poop fish,
'I'd finally figured out
what that reason is.
'And just what that reason is,
I guess I'll never know.
'Welcome to Kookyville.'
We've got a lot to get through, OK?
Our pre-tax profits for the first
quarter were down 30% this year.
Oh, well. More for me.
That is not good, at all.
And also, with Janice
away all of next week,
Susan will be taking over
all of her accounts.
Hallelujah.
OK, James can you write down
60% for the first quarter, OK?
Our pre-tax profits for the first
quarter were down 30% this year.
That is not good, at all,
What do we do?
Well, it's not just us, it's
everybody, but we need to
try and fix it.
OK, if you look at this...
Hey, Sally.
Hello.
Have you got time for a quick flirt?
Um, yeah. Yeah, OK. Go on, then.
Um, markets are low...
Have you ever drunk
champagne on the London Eye?
No.
It's nice.
Two seconds. Don't go away.
Bye. Bye.
Hey, Charlie. How you doing?
Yeah, all good.
Boring up there, isn't it?
Uh-huh.
What you doing?
Just flirting with Sally.
Cool.
Yeah, you should get involved.
Yeah, sod it.
I'll go for a flirt with Janice.
Good boy.
Psst.
Janice.
Oh, hi, Charlie. How are you?
Yeah, all good. Fancy a quick flirt?
Yeah, sure, OK.
Cool. Lunch time coming up soon.
What are you gonna have?
Just probably soup.
Just goes around and around
and around and around.
Oh, I'll be back.
How's it going?
I'm down with that.
Let's do it.
Hey, Janice.
Hey.
I'm just gonna finish up
your flirt with Charlie.
OK.
What's up, Sally?
Oh, hey, Charlie.
Soup?
Yeah.
Perfume going in,
poison coming out, huh?
The London Eye, huh.
Yeah.
You know, Sally,
they talk about the views,
but they never mention the queues.
Well, nice flirting with you, Sally.
Yeah, yeah.
See ya, then, Janice.
Bye.
So that's obviously not good.
You all know the difference
between 20% and 80%. Yeah.
Now we're looking at 10%.
Absolutely, yeah.
So, that just about wraps
everything up for the day.
Anyone have any other business
that they want to share?
No.
New Guy?
What is it?
It's a crystal,
nothing more, but if you turn
it this way and look into it,
it'll show you your dreams.
That's amazing.
Oh, wow!
How does he do that?
Well, if that's everything,
then that's lunch.
Liquid lunch?
Yeah, soup!
They say that everything
happens for a reason
and, right now, I'm still trying
to figure out what that reason is.
Welcome to my town - Kookyville.
Not a lot happens around here,
except the time a stranger
came into town,
walked into the local hospital
and swapped all the babies around.
I guess he figured it'd
make life more interesting
and, in a funny way,
he might have been right.
Well, as for me, my name's Mike.
That's me right there.
I'm imagining I'm visiting all
the cool places I'll never go,
like the Eiffel Tower,
the Great Wall of China,
or the Temple of Doom.
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Mom-Dad.
I made you some breakfast.
We're plum out of milk.
So, Mike, tonight
I was wondering,
perhaps we could go for a drink,
you know, let our hair down.
Paint the town red.
I'm only 15, Mom-Dad.
Oh, Jeez! Unclench, Mike.
You should have seen me at that age.
Oh, by the way...
Mariah Carey's not
looking too well, Mike.
Perhaps you could take her
to see... Dr Rosenburg.
'Feeling blue, Mariah? Ditto.'
Hey, Dale.
Hey, Mike.
'That's Dale.
'He comes over every once in a
while and blocks our toilet.'
Oh, looks like somebody got out
of bed the right side this morning.
'Dale is the only person I've ever
known who can eat a hundred Twinkies
'all at once and still
have room for a Ding Dong.'
Oh, God! Oh, yeah!
Flip me round, flip me round!
Come on. Oh, yeah!
Oh, God! Oh, God, yeah!
Oh! Oh, yeah!
You're my Thursday night thing!
'If Mariah died who can I turn to,
question mark. Myself, Dale.
'Mom-Dad, question mark. The answer
was staring me right in the face.
'It was everyone, but at the same
time, no-one at all. Question mark.
'Oh, and that...'
Kooky freak!
'That's a hot dog. Period.'
Yo, my name is Switch,
and I'm a street poet and this
one is called Street Life.
Check it.
I am a wanderer, a drifter
A man on the street
I pound the concrete
With my two aching feet
Mum and Dad, how could you
be so selfish to me?
Why could you not have arranged
some kind of spare key?
Pop it under the plant pot
Hide it in the shed
It gets dark at 4 now, Mum
I could be dead
Mum works till 7
Dad gets home at 1O
So basically I
Am homeless till then.
That poem is for all the de-homed
people across the world and in
America.
Brap, brap!
As any girl will tell you, her 21st
birthday is a milestone in her life.
Well, this week it was
my 21st birthday party,
and this little fishy had hired
a swanky bar in London's
dazzling West End.
This was my chance to show the
London fashion world that I'd
finally arrived.
Would you like me take
this a bit higher?
Er, yeah. Landing strip, please.
And she'll have a star of David.
Oh, sank you.
Guys, I don't need to tell you
how important tonight is for me.
It would be great if you could
take care of people's coats,
look after drinks and spillages
and things like that,
but, most importantly, just
really enjoy yourselves, OK?
Ow! You batch!
Thanks, that's really pretty.
Yumi, what do I need
to do to motivate you?
Less chat, more vol-au-vents.
Rachel.
Oh, my God! Chris, hi!
This food is amazing! What is it?
Yeah, that's like a British-Asian
fusion. It was actually inspired
by my friendship with Yumi.
Oh, my God, you have to try
the Shitake bubble and squeak.
It is delish.
Go and check on the miso burgers.
Like, now!
Hai.
Oh, my God! Speech time.
I'm so nervous.
When I get nervous,
I focus on my breathing.
Yeah, well, I'm not going to
focus on your breathing, Olivia.
Tonight's not about you.
This, I have to do alone.
OK, everyone, first of all,
thanks for making it down
to my 21st birthday party.
It's so nice to see you
here all this evening.
Oh, my God. Remember to breathe.
Here goes.
I believe it was Ghandi
who once said that we...
She's ruined my party
and probably my life.
Why would she do that to me?
Maybe she's just jealous of you.
What of? My hair? My eyebrows?
My bone structure?
My pierced clitoral hood?
Her dad said she couldn't have one.
What if she wants to kill me?
Rachel, please.
Murderer!
Next week on Young Dreams...
Major decisions...
major revelations.
I'm pregnant.
Stop making this about you!
And major freak-outs!
Right, catch you later, homey.
Please remind me never to go for a
liquid lunch with the New Guy again!
Oh, Charlie!
Sorry.
Fancy a flirt?
We haven't one scheduled
have we, Charlie?
Oh, why, what? Sorry, did we forget
to put it in your blackberry?
Why's everything have
to be about scheduling?
You've all got to get out of this.
You're just a bunch of pencil
pushers. You're slaves.
You're all just cogs
in a big machine.
Finished those accounts
yet, Charlie?
Yeah, they'll be on your desk
first thing tomorrow, Karen.
Lovely.
What are you looking at?
Psst! Sally.
I'll let you in on a little secret.
Liquid lunch - it's not soup.
'This is Dr Rosenburg.
He's Kookyville's town vet.
'He was having a shave one day
when he received news
'that his dog had been decapitated
by the school bus.
'Out of respect, he vowed he would
never fully shave again.'
The news isn't good, Mike.
I'm afraid your little friend here
is sadly no longer with us.
I'm sorry, Mike.
I know how much she meant to you.
How's Mom-Dad, Mike?
She's OK, I guess.
Well, you tell her
Dr Rosenburg says hi.
This is Mariah's death certificate.
You can fill it out
in the waiting room.
Goodbye, son.
Hey.
'That's Ed. And the guy holding him?
Well, that's Mr Fluffyface.
'This is Zooey.
'Her father is mayor of Kookyville.
'They live in a house made
of recycled burrito cartons.'
So, why you here?
Oh, sorry, that was totally
inappropriate.
I shouldn't have asked that.
That's OK.
My goldfish died.
Oh.
Conundrum.
What are you listening to?
Here.
Oh.
Great!
'It was at that moment, watching
Zooey dance, that I realised...'
Wooo!
And stay down, you kooky freak!
Woooo!
Right erm, Graham's outside,
so I'm off to do
my radio interview.
OK.
Who's under there? Hello?
Piss off.
See you later, have a good day.
'Today is a very
important day for me,
'as I'm off to do a live radio
interview to talk about my work.'
And I'm off to meet
the Doctor of Foxes, Neil Fox.
'Well, coming up later
on in the show
'we've got a very special guest.
'None other than the international
graffiti artist, Banksy.'
He just said your name!
Oh, brilliant!
I'm chuffed.
Oh, great.
You're listening to the sounds
of the underground.
Good though, isn't it?
Can of pop?
Are you sure we're allowed?
Course we are. You're the talent!
Oh, go on then. Don't mind if I do.
Banksy.
How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
You too.
Do you guys want to come through?
Yeah, absolutely.
I'll watch through the glass.
OK, we'll be like monkeys
in the zoo.
Right then, it doesn't get better
than a little bit of Simply Red.
Good afternoon. If you've been
driving through London recently,
and you've looked out of your window
and you've seen a giant rat,
don't worry, it's not real.
It's probably the work of my next
fabulous guest on the show today,
internationally-renowned
street artist, Banksy.
Great to have you on the show.
So, why rats?
Well, that's a really good
question, Foxy.
I suppose it's my way of saying
that in today's society
we all live in a bit of a rat race.
Right then, we've got
some callers lined up
that are desperate
to speak to Banksy.
So, first up Louise.
You are on the line.
Hi, Louise.
'Hi, Banksy. Can I just say
I'm a huge fan of yours.'
Oh, thank you very much, thank you.
You've really, you've made my day.
'I just wanted to ask, where do you
get your inspiration from?'
I suppose I get a lot
of my inspiration
from what I call my bugbears,
and that can be anything
from capitalism, to, erm,
confectionery companies that have
changed their name unnecessarily.
Hand dryers that don't dry
hands properly,
that's a big bugbear of mine.
To the Royal Family,
the Conservative Party,
to too many sultanas in my muesli.
That's a big bugbear...
I think we've lost Louise.
Oh.
We've got other calls,
so don't worry.
Hello, there. You are through
to Banksy.
Hello!
'You're such a fucking shit artist,
give it up, you dickhead!'
Erm.
Stop painting, you prick!
Daniel? Is that you? It's Daddy.
Really sorry about the swearing,
everybody, there.
We'll be back after a tune.
Thanks for joining us.
Maybe it wasn't Daniel after all.
I'm not sure about that, Banks.
I mean, to me,
it sounded like Daniel.
Yeah, it did, but you have
to remember, Graham,
my work ruffles a lot
of people's feathers.
It could have been anybody.
No, I'm pretty certain
it was Daniel.
This is it, here we are,
finally arrived at the hide,
where I'm really hoping to catch
a glimpse of this rare bird.
Now, earlier today,
I was lucky to speak with a local
ranger who actually drew me
a picture of what I can expect to
encounter whilst I'm here, so...
Here's the drawing, and if you can
see here, there's the ranger, look,
And then, just next to him there,
is the Giant Robin.
Look at that.
Well, it's 2 o'clock, and still no
sign of the giant robin as of yet.
But, erm, I'm all set up anyway,
I've got my, my binoculars.
My camera, of course,
my flask of tea.
So, fingers crossed.
Six in the morning, and there's just
no sign of the Giant Robin.
Now, I remember speaking to the
ranger who did say that,
despite its size, the robin remains
a very timid bird.
I'm just worried that I've made
too much noise already
and scared it away.
OK, so it's taken two weeks
to get here and just...
just the thought of not
seeing it is just not,
not the way I wanted it to end.
I know he's out there somewhere.
No.
There's no point kidding myself,
it's obviously not going to happen.
♪ Ya-da-da-da ♪
♪ Ya-da-da-da ♪
All right, Terry.
What's with the bunting?
Oh, that. Funny story, actually.
Yeah?
You're going to like this one, Terry.
Am I?
Yeah.
All right, OK. I was sat at a
bus stop the other day, right.
Talking to this old dear.
Yeah.
Next thing,
this car's pulled up, right?
Car door opens,
this little Cuban heel pops out.
Guess who it is?
Bruno Mars.
Lord Alan Sugar.
No!
Yes.
He goes, "I'm running
for London Mayor
"and I could do with someone like you
to manage my campaign."
He goes "Get in the car."
What about the shopping?
That's what I said.
I said, "I've got freezer stuff
here, Alan."
He goes "Don't worry about that. My
chauffeur will put it in the fridge."
He goes "Come on, let's go and change
the world" and he's gone 'beep'...
Oh!
On my knob!
So, what do you have
to do for him, then?
- That's it. I had to come up
with some policies.
- Yeah.
I had to make some badges
and I had to iron some bunting.
Anyway, next day, right.
There's more, is there?
There's plenty more.
So, the next day, old Sugar-tits
emails me.
He goes "Why don't you come over
to my place tonight and we can
"discuss the campaign over a nice
bottle of plonk from my wine cellar?"
I bet he's got a nice cellar.
He's got a lovely cellar.
So I turn up, he's opened the door,
in his dressing gown,
he's half-pissed, his eyes are all
crazy, the music is blaring.
I'm like, "Are you all right Alan?"
He goes "Why?" He goes,
"Don't I look all right?"
Oh, dear.
And I'm like "Shall I come back
another time?"
And he goes, "No."
He goes, "You're here now."
Then he goes,
"What do you want from me?"
He goes, "Do you want my money?"
He threw a load of money
in my face, like that.
Oh, he was on one, weren't he?
Then out of the blue, right,
he goes "Do you fancy me?"
I'm like, "Oh, what are
you talking about, Alan?
"Stop it, cos you're starting
to wind me up!"
I says, "Sit down."
He goes, "Well, why don't
you fancy me?"
And I just snapped.
I goes, "I don't fancy you Alan,
"cos you look like
a half-shaved dog!"
Ha-ha! Oh, I bet he didn't
like that much.
No, no, the opposite.
He starts laughing and screaming
and giggling and all that.
I'm like, "Oh, he's
fucking lost it now!"
He goes "My employees think
I look like a half-shaved dog,
"my family think
I look like a half-shaved dog,
"even I think
I look a half-shaved dog,
"but you are the only person with the
balls big enough to tell it to me
"and that is why I'm head-over-heels
in love with you,
"you sexy little bastard."
So it weren't about
the policies after all?
No, it was all bullshit.
That's why I was so pissed off,
cos I'd been doing all this
work on these policies and he weren't
even running for mayor!
He goes "It's time for you to
leave." So they ran me home.
What about your shopping?
Well, that's it.
By this point it had all defrosted.
The chauffeur had kept
it in his boot the whole time.
They lied about the freezer
all along.
Could you not salvage any of it?
No, just the pasta and the dry stuff
but that point I was so over it,
I just slung it in the bin,
it was all tainted as far as I was
concerned, Terry, all tainted.
Hang on.
Hello?
Yeah, Lord Alan Sugar
will see you now.
Ah, shut up, Terry! Who is it?
Is it Ja-moush?
Lord Sugar.
Oh, shut up!
I'm going to need 500 lemons
by Friday!
'Mariah's death certificate
suddenly made everything
'seem so real.
'Sometimes I think I'll end up
just like Leicester Zimmerman,
'who shot his boss in the kneecaps
'and set up a lemonade stall
on his mom's lawn.'
You know how difficult it is
being a lemonade salesman?
Hmm? You need guts,
determination and lemons!
'So off I went, back home
to Mom-Dad.'
Yeah, I can hold.
'And on the way I bumped
into Arnie Pumpernickle.'
Hey, Mike.
Hey, Arnie.
'The most special guy in all of Kookyville.'
Come on, Ham.
Sorry to hear about Mariah.
That's OK.
Don't be sad.
I got you a present.
What is it?
It's a new Mariah Carey.
It's warm.
That's because I made it from my
toilet. Sssh!
'They say that everything
happens for a reason.
'And now, looking up
at my new poop fish,
'I'd finally figured out
what that reason is.
'And just what that reason is,
I guess I'll never know.
'Welcome to Kookyville.'