Cardinal Burns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Episode #1.4 - full transcript
Ha!
Whoo!
Scientists be telling me
the world is spinning, huh.
Yeah, I say it's spinning,
out of control.
Yo, my name is Switch,
I'm a spoken word poet,
and this one is called
Change The Channel. Chhk!
The other day, Mama, you came in the
front room and took me by surprise.
I was watching The Notebook with
Ryan Gosling with tears in my eyes.
But come on, Mum, do you
really think I was crying at that?
No, Mum, I think Ryan Gosling's crap.
Let me put it to you straight -
I was watching the news...
this world we live in's a state.
Chhk! Carrier bags
are destroying our earth.
Get a bag for life, Mum,
can't you see life's worth?
Chhk! Did you know that school kids
are too fat for their clothes?
Some of them can wear tracksuits to
school so their titties don't show.
Bird flu, earthquakes,
not enough grit when it snows.
China, landmines, and some guy's
grown a massive marrow.
So, next time, Mum,
when you see a tear in this eye,
remember, it's about the news
and the Government's lies.
It's not about Ryan Gosling
and it never was.
I've seen The Notebook
four times now. I haven't cried once.
Channels changed. Bitch! Chhk!
They say that only fools rush in.
Well, tonight, this fool was rushing
across town to watch a music gig.
I'd met a really cute guy
called Nate, the lead singer in
a hot new roots reggae band. This
fish was falling head over heels.
Hey.
That was amazing.
I, er, wrote that last song for you.
Hey, I don't know
if you guys like food, but me
and the Bumbaclart guys would love
for you to join us at our table.
Yeah, we love food,
yeah, that would be great.
What is the craziest thing you
guys have ever done?
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes, good question.
Like, last summer, I experimented
with my sexuality quite a lot.
Oh, my god,
I shouldn't have said that.
Like, whenever I tell guys
that I'm probably bi,
One time, I brought a top
and then I wore it out that night
even though I knew I was going
to take it back the next day.
And, did you?
Yeah!
Good. So, what about you, Yumi?
No.
Come on, Yumi.
If everyone else says,
you have to say it, come on.
Come on. Just tell us!
OK
Well, one time I had
a four-year affair
with Father's business partner.
Very passionate, very intense.
Oh, my god!
But his wife found out,
he was ostracised by local community,
and he, er, shot himself,
in the face.
Thank you.
Yeah, Bumbaclart, yeah.
Yumi, why did you say that?!
It's the truth.
Every man who comes in your life
either leaves
the room or shoots themselves
in the face.
Oh, sorry!
You're a fanny blocker!
Rachel, please!
'Next week, on Young Dreams.'
A butcher. A baker.
And a candlestick maker.
I'm Jacob. I'm Andrew.
And we're Target Blonde.
Breaking into the industry is
really difficult.
Erm, but we're hoping that people
really love our songs
when they hear them.
Yeah, we live, we sleep, eat,
breathe music, yeah.
Today we're meeting with
Caterpillar Records,
and really hoping that they like
our demo.
Andrew.
Bill, Andrew,
this is Richard Edwards.
Hi, there, nice to meet you.
Thanks for getting us in.
Thank you for,
thank you for getting in.
How, how tall are you?
Don't.
'I mean, you know,'
OK, so what, we've got really long
legs, but I'm not bothered by it.
Jacob's not bothered by it but
everyone else seems bothered by it.
You know, on a day-to-day basis,
like, I hardly even notice.
Argh, ah, argh! I've got cramp.
Cramp?
Ah.
Come on, lift up.
Agh.
Lift your leg.
Oooh!
That's our demo there.
Thank you. Target Blonde.
Nice.
Would you like to, erm,
can you... sit down?
Thank you.
Sorry, mate.
It's all right.
How do you even fit in a car?
Do you take the seats out...
Who are your influences?
Who are your influences?
Our music is sort of...
Novelty.
No.
Shall we, erm,
shall we listen to a few tracks?
Yeah.
So, what do you think?
It is just amazing how, erm...
How, how tall are you?
Yeah? How tall are you?
To be honest, we just want to
know if you like our music.
It's er, er, I mean, I wasn't...
We just want a chance
just to sort of...
Sort of looking for our big break.
Where do you buy your jeans?
Oh, man.
Are your parents both giants?
Are you brothers?
Do you reckon you can help us out or
not, like help set up a gig for us?
Maybe I'm crazy, let's do it.
Great. Cool.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much.
Nice to meet you, Jacob, Andrew.
You all right? Jacob.
All right.
OK.
All right.
I'm fine.
That'd be great, though.
We'll definitely be in touch.
Thank you so much.
OK, take care of yourself.
A result.
Finally I think
people are gonna get
a chance to hear our music and not
just bang on about how tall we are.
How tall are you?
Hello, Moses, where are you, mate?
Do me a favour, pick me up a Snickers
on your way back? Lovely.
Don't be long.
All right see you later, bye.
Oh, I'm starving.
I got those Virgin Galactic tickets
in the post, didn't I?
Oh, right, so what so they take you
up into space, do they?
Yeah. Up on the moon and all that.
So, like,
what was the flight like, then?
It was all right. I was stuck next
to this fat American bloke,
he started showing me pictures of
all his kids and all that.
Well, I had no interest.
So, was old Branson up there, then?
Oh, yeah,
he was right up at the front.
He gets up,
he starts making a speech,
he's flicking his lion's mane about
and everything.
He's like, thanks all for coming,
and all that.
Then he starts telling us
all these stories about
all these birds he's got 'old of.
Filthy stories, you've never heard
the like of, know what I mean?
Yeah.
Then he has to sit down
because it gets a bit bumpy.
Meteor shower?
Yeah, they said it was
something like that.
So what time d'you land on the moon?
Must have been about 20 past three
in the afternoon, our time.
That's quite good going then.
It wasn't bad. He
done it in good time.
They did get there in good time.
Anyway, they let us off the craft.
Stretch our legs,
have a little look about.
They said make sure you're back here
by 20 past four. Don't go too far.
You allowed to take a dog up there?
No. That's what I thought.
They're missing a trick there, Phil,
cause, like, if everyone was allowed
to take a dog up there,
you'd get a lot more people.
I know! Anyway, I had a look about, I went
in the gift shop, got a little replica moon.
Oh, lovely.
I get back on the craft. By this
point it's all getting quite lively.
Everyone's had a few, this bloke
at the back, he's shouting out,
he goes, "Oi, Branson!" He goes,
"You're getting on a bit, 'in't ya?"
Bet he didn't like that,
old Branson.
Of course he didn't.
He was straight up,
gets his wallet out, goes,
"Right, there's a Ј20 note
"for anyone who can find a grey hair
in my beard."
Did you have a go?
We all did, yeah.
I was rifling through it,
at one point I thought I saw
a grey hair, but it was just
a trick of the light.
Ah.
So then, he has to go
and to take it too far.
He takes his top off, right,
he goes, "Anyone can punch me
"in the stomach, hard as they like,
I won't feel a thing."
So what was his body like?
He's in good nick, right. It's
muscley but he's very, very wrinkly.
Anyway, this massive geezer's
stepped up and he's just gone whack!
Right in Branson's stomach.
Branson's stood up, he goes, "Right,
everyone back in your seats."
Why, was he hurt?
He must have been.
Some bloke's gone,
"Branson, you all right?"
He goes, "Yeah, I'm all right. I'm
just bored of the game, that's all."
Bollocks!
So, like, what d'you do,
did you have a sleep then?
No, I had a coffee,
but they make you pay for it.
That's how they sting you innit?
Yeah, by then I was already over it,
I was like, "Just get me home."
So, when you look at the moon now,
do you feel differently
having been up on it?
- Everyone goes on about it, but...
- Overrated?
Yeah, look, I'm glad
I can say I've been there
but the moon's a bit of a shit hole.
Would I go back?
No, I fucking wouldn't.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what, I'm gonna phone
Moses, chase this bloody Snickers.
I'm gonna try
and get this radio working.
I mean, moving forward,
I think ideally we
would have all systems in place at
the very latest by early next year.
In which case we should set up
a dialogue with Simon ASAP
and really get the ball rolling.
Whatever happens, I think if we can
hit the ground running by January
then, then we're in a good position.
I might grab a sandwich, actually,
does anyone want anything?
No, I think I'm fine,
I'll get something when we're off.
I'll just have a Twix, please,
if they've got one.
Cool. Sorry, can I...
Actually, I'll come with you and
grab something.
Yeah, sure. OK.
They were based in Durham.
Aaah!
Ah, aah!
Aaa-aaa-aaah!
They didn't have any Twix so I got
you a Bounty. I hope that's OK.
Thanks, I haven't had
one of those in years.
I'm starving.
Oh, I got me the wrong sandwich.
I think I'm gonna go
and change my sandwich...
Sorry, David, I'm just going to
change...
Do you know what? I should probably
come with you because of, um...
Yeah. Back in a mo.
Have they been bumming?
I think so.
Look at that!
I know, mate.
Quality.
Absolutely fantastic!
Great!
Hello, London!
Cheers, mate.
Thanks, mate.
I tell you what, Metcalf, it does
not get better than this, mate.
Down south for the weekend
in London's trendy Leicester Square.
We are looking box fresh
with money to burn.
Right.
All aboard the banter train,
destination...
Banterville!
Oh, my God, honestly, Metcalf,
look, the talent in this queue
alone is absolutely breathtaking.
You could fit the works of
JK Rowling on that shelf,
make no mistake.
A whole back catalogue.
Wouldn't mind playing with
her Goblets Of Fire.
Or entering her Chamber Of Secrets.
Don't forget your
invisibility cloak.
I won't. It's hiding me Elder Wand.
Looks like this will be
a blockbuster weekend.
Yeah, with record takings.
Daniel Radcliffe.
Emma Watson. Dumbledore.
Aslan... Wrong franchise.
Right, let's hook
these two in with some vintage,
prehistoric banter.
Bantasauraus!
Excuse me, ladies.
Do you happen to know what time
this place closes?
Two or three maybe.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, mate,
I tell you what, the wildlife
in here is simply mesmerising.
It's like we're on safari.
Endangered species.
David Attenborough.
However, mate, to bag the big game,
banter alone will not suffice.
We need novelty value.
But luckily, we've come prepared.
Look at you!
Look at you!
Look at you more like.
Look at those two bobby
dazzlers over there.
They look like they might be up
for a laugh and some of our banter.
We've got the money,
let's get some honey.
Winnie The Pooh.
Evening, ladies. All right?
What have you come as?
Off the telly.
So if we phone 118, does that mean
we can get your numbers?
Oh, well, depends, doesn't it?
On what?
On whether you can
afford the premium rate.
41p from landlines. Calls from all
mobiles may be considerably higher.
British Telecom!
Are you two models?
Shut up.
Seriously, it's just like
you've stepped off Nuts magazine.
Or Zoo. You're that good looking.
You two belong in a zoo.
What animal would we be then?
Couple of cheeky monkeys.
Randy monkeys more like.
King Kong.
I think we need to put these
two back in their cage.
Yeah.
Throw away the key.
Go on, then.
Josef Fritzl...
The queue was massive
coming in, wasn't it?
Nice.
I like sex.
They totally trounced us.
Those Borat costumes
were a legendary move.
You know what though, mate,
they seem like nice lads so at the
end of the day, hats off to them.
Oh, I don't believe this.
All right, lads.
Guys.
All right.
This is my church.
This is my steeple.
Open the doors
and here's all my peoples.
All right, guys.
We've been waiting
for tonight for some time.
Let's really play with our hearts
tonight, let's make it count.
All right, let's do it,
make it count!
Yeah!
How you all doing tonight?
How tall are you?
This next song is called
I Love Your Little Smile.
How tall are you?!
How tall are you?
How tall are you?
How tall are you?!
I've had enough.
That can come down as well.
It's too high!
Ready? Yeah.
One, two, three, cheese!
Oh. We need someone to...
Excuse me, sorry to bother you.
I'm trying to get a photo of me
and my girlfriend. Do you mind?
- Yeah, sure.
- You just need to press that button.
Point and shoot.
I'll try and
get the bridge in the background.
Thank you. That'll be great.
Erm, just brush
your hair out of your face.
Sorry.
Ready?
Yeah.
OK, now give me a nice big smile.
OK, that's looking
more like a grimace.
Sorry, mate, what's your name?
Dustin. Dustin and...?
Kate.
Kate, OK, the thing is,
I'm not really getting
the sense that you're a couple.
Now, Dustin, what you're doing
is really great,
I'm getting a lot from you
but erm...
Kate.
It's like you've never met Dustin
before. I'd like to throw something
into the mix if that's cool?
OK. Yeah, great.
This is Olivka.
And, Kate, can
I just get you over here?
Just angle it, just on their faces
so it catches the light.
OK, beautiful. OK?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm loving these already!
That's beautiful, that is beautiful.
I'm feeling a lot of passion.
That's gorgeous, Dustin!
You have done this before.
Try biting her neck.
Oh, my God, I'm loving this!
Maybe I could pick her up?
That'll be great, pick her up.
Like that.
That's it. I love it!
I'm loving this.
This is what I'm talking about!
Let's angle that there. Thank you.
OK, Olivka, take five,
that's great, thank you, honey.
Let's get Dustin oiled up.
And let's get the baby in, please.
Oh, she's a sweetheart.
Do some crazy stuff, surprise me.
Yes, yes!
Guys, let's get rid of the baby.
Can I get a water please, someone?
Can we get Dustin some water?
OK, that's beautiful.
Yes, I'm loving these!
Beautiful, gorgeous...
I'm bored of the fireman's outfit,
I'm bored of the hose,
let's get the fucking snake in.
I'm loving these!
Let's get this up like that,
give me a big high kick. Beautiful.
Hello!
OK, guys, that is a wrap on Dustin!
Here's your camera,
you'll be happy with those shots.
Thanks, babes.
Wow, well, shall we go?
Madame Tussauds?
Oh, that really hit the spot.
I'm off out tonight to do one of my
street pictures, on an epic scale.
The lesser-spotted Banksy
is a nocturnal creature.
OK. I'm off then.
I've taken the last 'nana.
OK.
What are you watching?
It's a documentary about seagulls.
Oh? Have fun. See you.
Bye.
About 500 yards that way
is one of the south-east's
major power stations.
The trouble is there's about
three fences, some security guards
and a heck of a lot else in-between.
I'm going to put the blanket
over the spikes to protect what
I call my money makers.
Oh, I did take quite a fall there.
That hurt.
Oh, that really hurts,
that really hurts.
Helicopter... Right, let's move
quite fast, come on.
OK, the plan is to spray a massive
picture of a plug socket
on the side of the power station
with a lady plugging
her hoover into it.
Message being, that we don't always
think about where our power supply
is coming from.
Of course, Jill would say I don't
know what a hoover looks like!
OK.
This takes me back to my
Duke Of Edinburgh Award days.
It's Jill.
Hello, finger poppet.
Yeah, good.
I just got stung by nettles.
It should be recording.
I pressed series record.
Against all odds,
we've actually made it.
Oh, I'm out of breath.
Right, let's get unpacked.
Spray cans.
Hang on a second.
Think I'm going to need this.
What are you looking for?
Stencils.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Can't you just do it without
a stencil?
Do it freehand or something?
No. No, I'm not that good
a drawer really.
Does it look like I'm asleep?
Definitely, yeah.
Hold still there, mate.
I'm still finishing off your droopy
cock and balls.
Honestly, mate,
this is going to look like a
legendary prank and provide us
with loads of great
anecdotes for the boys back home.
The like button is going
to be red-hot.
Think of all the cool comments
we'll get, mate.
"LOL. Loving the pic, boys."
"Outrageous stuff." Smiley face.
"Vintage Jonesy." Kiss kiss.
LMAO.
Right, then. Hold there, mate.
OK. Say cheese!
Fromage.
'I have a special late-night hello
to Jonesy and Metcalf,
'who are down south.
'Keep up the good banter, boys
'and have a very enjoyable night
here at Babestation.'
Banter!
Whoo!
Scientists be telling me
the world is spinning, huh.
Yeah, I say it's spinning,
out of control.
Yo, my name is Switch,
I'm a spoken word poet,
and this one is called
Change The Channel. Chhk!
The other day, Mama, you came in the
front room and took me by surprise.
I was watching The Notebook with
Ryan Gosling with tears in my eyes.
But come on, Mum, do you
really think I was crying at that?
No, Mum, I think Ryan Gosling's crap.
Let me put it to you straight -
I was watching the news...
this world we live in's a state.
Chhk! Carrier bags
are destroying our earth.
Get a bag for life, Mum,
can't you see life's worth?
Chhk! Did you know that school kids
are too fat for their clothes?
Some of them can wear tracksuits to
school so their titties don't show.
Bird flu, earthquakes,
not enough grit when it snows.
China, landmines, and some guy's
grown a massive marrow.
So, next time, Mum,
when you see a tear in this eye,
remember, it's about the news
and the Government's lies.
It's not about Ryan Gosling
and it never was.
I've seen The Notebook
four times now. I haven't cried once.
Channels changed. Bitch! Chhk!
They say that only fools rush in.
Well, tonight, this fool was rushing
across town to watch a music gig.
I'd met a really cute guy
called Nate, the lead singer in
a hot new roots reggae band. This
fish was falling head over heels.
Hey.
That was amazing.
I, er, wrote that last song for you.
Hey, I don't know
if you guys like food, but me
and the Bumbaclart guys would love
for you to join us at our table.
Yeah, we love food,
yeah, that would be great.
What is the craziest thing you
guys have ever done?
Oh, my God!
Yes, yes, good question.
Like, last summer, I experimented
with my sexuality quite a lot.
Oh, my god,
I shouldn't have said that.
Like, whenever I tell guys
that I'm probably bi,
One time, I brought a top
and then I wore it out that night
even though I knew I was going
to take it back the next day.
And, did you?
Yeah!
Good. So, what about you, Yumi?
No.
Come on, Yumi.
If everyone else says,
you have to say it, come on.
Come on. Just tell us!
OK
Well, one time I had
a four-year affair
with Father's business partner.
Very passionate, very intense.
Oh, my god!
But his wife found out,
he was ostracised by local community,
and he, er, shot himself,
in the face.
Thank you.
Yeah, Bumbaclart, yeah.
Yumi, why did you say that?!
It's the truth.
Every man who comes in your life
either leaves
the room or shoots themselves
in the face.
Oh, sorry!
You're a fanny blocker!
Rachel, please!
'Next week, on Young Dreams.'
A butcher. A baker.
And a candlestick maker.
I'm Jacob. I'm Andrew.
And we're Target Blonde.
Breaking into the industry is
really difficult.
Erm, but we're hoping that people
really love our songs
when they hear them.
Yeah, we live, we sleep, eat,
breathe music, yeah.
Today we're meeting with
Caterpillar Records,
and really hoping that they like
our demo.
Andrew.
Bill, Andrew,
this is Richard Edwards.
Hi, there, nice to meet you.
Thanks for getting us in.
Thank you for,
thank you for getting in.
How, how tall are you?
Don't.
'I mean, you know,'
OK, so what, we've got really long
legs, but I'm not bothered by it.
Jacob's not bothered by it but
everyone else seems bothered by it.
You know, on a day-to-day basis,
like, I hardly even notice.
Argh, ah, argh! I've got cramp.
Cramp?
Ah.
Come on, lift up.
Agh.
Lift your leg.
Oooh!
That's our demo there.
Thank you. Target Blonde.
Nice.
Would you like to, erm,
can you... sit down?
Thank you.
Sorry, mate.
It's all right.
How do you even fit in a car?
Do you take the seats out...
Who are your influences?
Who are your influences?
Our music is sort of...
Novelty.
No.
Shall we, erm,
shall we listen to a few tracks?
Yeah.
So, what do you think?
It is just amazing how, erm...
How, how tall are you?
Yeah? How tall are you?
To be honest, we just want to
know if you like our music.
It's er, er, I mean, I wasn't...
We just want a chance
just to sort of...
Sort of looking for our big break.
Where do you buy your jeans?
Oh, man.
Are your parents both giants?
Are you brothers?
Do you reckon you can help us out or
not, like help set up a gig for us?
Maybe I'm crazy, let's do it.
Great. Cool.
Nice to meet you.
Thank you so much.
Nice to meet you, Jacob, Andrew.
You all right? Jacob.
All right.
OK.
All right.
I'm fine.
That'd be great, though.
We'll definitely be in touch.
Thank you so much.
OK, take care of yourself.
A result.
Finally I think
people are gonna get
a chance to hear our music and not
just bang on about how tall we are.
How tall are you?
Hello, Moses, where are you, mate?
Do me a favour, pick me up a Snickers
on your way back? Lovely.
Don't be long.
All right see you later, bye.
Oh, I'm starving.
I got those Virgin Galactic tickets
in the post, didn't I?
Oh, right, so what so they take you
up into space, do they?
Yeah. Up on the moon and all that.
So, like,
what was the flight like, then?
It was all right. I was stuck next
to this fat American bloke,
he started showing me pictures of
all his kids and all that.
Well, I had no interest.
So, was old Branson up there, then?
Oh, yeah,
he was right up at the front.
He gets up,
he starts making a speech,
he's flicking his lion's mane about
and everything.
He's like, thanks all for coming,
and all that.
Then he starts telling us
all these stories about
all these birds he's got 'old of.
Filthy stories, you've never heard
the like of, know what I mean?
Yeah.
Then he has to sit down
because it gets a bit bumpy.
Meteor shower?
Yeah, they said it was
something like that.
So what time d'you land on the moon?
Must have been about 20 past three
in the afternoon, our time.
That's quite good going then.
It wasn't bad. He
done it in good time.
They did get there in good time.
Anyway, they let us off the craft.
Stretch our legs,
have a little look about.
They said make sure you're back here
by 20 past four. Don't go too far.
You allowed to take a dog up there?
No. That's what I thought.
They're missing a trick there, Phil,
cause, like, if everyone was allowed
to take a dog up there,
you'd get a lot more people.
I know! Anyway, I had a look about, I went
in the gift shop, got a little replica moon.
Oh, lovely.
I get back on the craft. By this
point it's all getting quite lively.
Everyone's had a few, this bloke
at the back, he's shouting out,
he goes, "Oi, Branson!" He goes,
"You're getting on a bit, 'in't ya?"
Bet he didn't like that,
old Branson.
Of course he didn't.
He was straight up,
gets his wallet out, goes,
"Right, there's a Ј20 note
"for anyone who can find a grey hair
in my beard."
Did you have a go?
We all did, yeah.
I was rifling through it,
at one point I thought I saw
a grey hair, but it was just
a trick of the light.
Ah.
So then, he has to go
and to take it too far.
He takes his top off, right,
he goes, "Anyone can punch me
"in the stomach, hard as they like,
I won't feel a thing."
So what was his body like?
He's in good nick, right. It's
muscley but he's very, very wrinkly.
Anyway, this massive geezer's
stepped up and he's just gone whack!
Right in Branson's stomach.
Branson's stood up, he goes, "Right,
everyone back in your seats."
Why, was he hurt?
He must have been.
Some bloke's gone,
"Branson, you all right?"
He goes, "Yeah, I'm all right. I'm
just bored of the game, that's all."
Bollocks!
So, like, what d'you do,
did you have a sleep then?
No, I had a coffee,
but they make you pay for it.
That's how they sting you innit?
Yeah, by then I was already over it,
I was like, "Just get me home."
So, when you look at the moon now,
do you feel differently
having been up on it?
- Everyone goes on about it, but...
- Overrated?
Yeah, look, I'm glad
I can say I've been there
but the moon's a bit of a shit hole.
Would I go back?
No, I fucking wouldn't.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what, I'm gonna phone
Moses, chase this bloody Snickers.
I'm gonna try
and get this radio working.
I mean, moving forward,
I think ideally we
would have all systems in place at
the very latest by early next year.
In which case we should set up
a dialogue with Simon ASAP
and really get the ball rolling.
Whatever happens, I think if we can
hit the ground running by January
then, then we're in a good position.
I might grab a sandwich, actually,
does anyone want anything?
No, I think I'm fine,
I'll get something when we're off.
I'll just have a Twix, please,
if they've got one.
Cool. Sorry, can I...
Actually, I'll come with you and
grab something.
Yeah, sure. OK.
They were based in Durham.
Aaah!
Ah, aah!
Aaa-aaa-aaah!
They didn't have any Twix so I got
you a Bounty. I hope that's OK.
Thanks, I haven't had
one of those in years.
I'm starving.
Oh, I got me the wrong sandwich.
I think I'm gonna go
and change my sandwich...
Sorry, David, I'm just going to
change...
Do you know what? I should probably
come with you because of, um...
Yeah. Back in a mo.
Have they been bumming?
I think so.
Look at that!
I know, mate.
Quality.
Absolutely fantastic!
Great!
Hello, London!
Cheers, mate.
Thanks, mate.
I tell you what, Metcalf, it does
not get better than this, mate.
Down south for the weekend
in London's trendy Leicester Square.
We are looking box fresh
with money to burn.
Right.
All aboard the banter train,
destination...
Banterville!
Oh, my God, honestly, Metcalf,
look, the talent in this queue
alone is absolutely breathtaking.
You could fit the works of
JK Rowling on that shelf,
make no mistake.
A whole back catalogue.
Wouldn't mind playing with
her Goblets Of Fire.
Or entering her Chamber Of Secrets.
Don't forget your
invisibility cloak.
I won't. It's hiding me Elder Wand.
Looks like this will be
a blockbuster weekend.
Yeah, with record takings.
Daniel Radcliffe.
Emma Watson. Dumbledore.
Aslan... Wrong franchise.
Right, let's hook
these two in with some vintage,
prehistoric banter.
Bantasauraus!
Excuse me, ladies.
Do you happen to know what time
this place closes?
Two or three maybe.
Thank you.
Oh, my God, mate,
I tell you what, the wildlife
in here is simply mesmerising.
It's like we're on safari.
Endangered species.
David Attenborough.
However, mate, to bag the big game,
banter alone will not suffice.
We need novelty value.
But luckily, we've come prepared.
Look at you!
Look at you!
Look at you more like.
Look at those two bobby
dazzlers over there.
They look like they might be up
for a laugh and some of our banter.
We've got the money,
let's get some honey.
Winnie The Pooh.
Evening, ladies. All right?
What have you come as?
Off the telly.
So if we phone 118, does that mean
we can get your numbers?
Oh, well, depends, doesn't it?
On what?
On whether you can
afford the premium rate.
41p from landlines. Calls from all
mobiles may be considerably higher.
British Telecom!
Are you two models?
Shut up.
Seriously, it's just like
you've stepped off Nuts magazine.
Or Zoo. You're that good looking.
You two belong in a zoo.
What animal would we be then?
Couple of cheeky monkeys.
Randy monkeys more like.
King Kong.
I think we need to put these
two back in their cage.
Yeah.
Throw away the key.
Go on, then.
Josef Fritzl...
The queue was massive
coming in, wasn't it?
Nice.
I like sex.
They totally trounced us.
Those Borat costumes
were a legendary move.
You know what though, mate,
they seem like nice lads so at the
end of the day, hats off to them.
Oh, I don't believe this.
All right, lads.
Guys.
All right.
This is my church.
This is my steeple.
Open the doors
and here's all my peoples.
All right, guys.
We've been waiting
for tonight for some time.
Let's really play with our hearts
tonight, let's make it count.
All right, let's do it,
make it count!
Yeah!
How you all doing tonight?
How tall are you?
This next song is called
I Love Your Little Smile.
How tall are you?!
How tall are you?
How tall are you?
How tall are you?!
I've had enough.
That can come down as well.
It's too high!
Ready? Yeah.
One, two, three, cheese!
Oh. We need someone to...
Excuse me, sorry to bother you.
I'm trying to get a photo of me
and my girlfriend. Do you mind?
- Yeah, sure.
- You just need to press that button.
Point and shoot.
I'll try and
get the bridge in the background.
Thank you. That'll be great.
Erm, just brush
your hair out of your face.
Sorry.
Ready?
Yeah.
OK, now give me a nice big smile.
OK, that's looking
more like a grimace.
Sorry, mate, what's your name?
Dustin. Dustin and...?
Kate.
Kate, OK, the thing is,
I'm not really getting
the sense that you're a couple.
Now, Dustin, what you're doing
is really great,
I'm getting a lot from you
but erm...
Kate.
It's like you've never met Dustin
before. I'd like to throw something
into the mix if that's cool?
OK. Yeah, great.
This is Olivka.
And, Kate, can
I just get you over here?
Just angle it, just on their faces
so it catches the light.
OK, beautiful. OK?
Yeah.
Oh, I'm loving these already!
That's beautiful, that is beautiful.
I'm feeling a lot of passion.
That's gorgeous, Dustin!
You have done this before.
Try biting her neck.
Oh, my God, I'm loving this!
Maybe I could pick her up?
That'll be great, pick her up.
Like that.
That's it. I love it!
I'm loving this.
This is what I'm talking about!
Let's angle that there. Thank you.
OK, Olivka, take five,
that's great, thank you, honey.
Let's get Dustin oiled up.
And let's get the baby in, please.
Oh, she's a sweetheart.
Do some crazy stuff, surprise me.
Yes, yes!
Guys, let's get rid of the baby.
Can I get a water please, someone?
Can we get Dustin some water?
OK, that's beautiful.
Yes, I'm loving these!
Beautiful, gorgeous...
I'm bored of the fireman's outfit,
I'm bored of the hose,
let's get the fucking snake in.
I'm loving these!
Let's get this up like that,
give me a big high kick. Beautiful.
Hello!
OK, guys, that is a wrap on Dustin!
Here's your camera,
you'll be happy with those shots.
Thanks, babes.
Wow, well, shall we go?
Madame Tussauds?
Oh, that really hit the spot.
I'm off out tonight to do one of my
street pictures, on an epic scale.
The lesser-spotted Banksy
is a nocturnal creature.
OK. I'm off then.
I've taken the last 'nana.
OK.
What are you watching?
It's a documentary about seagulls.
Oh? Have fun. See you.
Bye.
About 500 yards that way
is one of the south-east's
major power stations.
The trouble is there's about
three fences, some security guards
and a heck of a lot else in-between.
I'm going to put the blanket
over the spikes to protect what
I call my money makers.
Oh, I did take quite a fall there.
That hurt.
Oh, that really hurts,
that really hurts.
Helicopter... Right, let's move
quite fast, come on.
OK, the plan is to spray a massive
picture of a plug socket
on the side of the power station
with a lady plugging
her hoover into it.
Message being, that we don't always
think about where our power supply
is coming from.
Of course, Jill would say I don't
know what a hoover looks like!
OK.
This takes me back to my
Duke Of Edinburgh Award days.
It's Jill.
Hello, finger poppet.
Yeah, good.
I just got stung by nettles.
It should be recording.
I pressed series record.
Against all odds,
we've actually made it.
Oh, I'm out of breath.
Right, let's get unpacked.
Spray cans.
Hang on a second.
Think I'm going to need this.
What are you looking for?
Stencils.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Can't you just do it without
a stencil?
Do it freehand or something?
No. No, I'm not that good
a drawer really.
Does it look like I'm asleep?
Definitely, yeah.
Hold still there, mate.
I'm still finishing off your droopy
cock and balls.
Honestly, mate,
this is going to look like a
legendary prank and provide us
with loads of great
anecdotes for the boys back home.
The like button is going
to be red-hot.
Think of all the cool comments
we'll get, mate.
"LOL. Loving the pic, boys."
"Outrageous stuff." Smiley face.
"Vintage Jonesy." Kiss kiss.
LMAO.
Right, then. Hold there, mate.
OK. Say cheese!
Fromage.
'I have a special late-night hello
to Jonesy and Metcalf,
'who are down south.
'Keep up the good banter, boys
'and have a very enjoyable night
here at Babestation.'
Banter!