Cardinal Burns (2012–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Episode #1.2 - full transcript
Oh!
Get them!
Get them! Get them!
Oh, hiya, Charlie.
Oh, nice jacket!
Yeah. Check it out. It's a beer.
Oh!
Morning, Charlie.
Got a moment to give me a hand...?
James, I'll have to stop you right
there, mate.
I've got a nine o'clock flirt
scheduled with Claire.
Can we pick this up after, yeah?
You're not Claire.
No, I'm Anne. I'm covering for
Claire while she's on holiday.
Hey. How was your
nine o'clock with Claire?
Not good. Claire's not there.
It's some new receptionist.
Let me check this fishie out.
Oh, yeah!
So what's the problem? Why don't
you just flirt with her instead?
I can't just rock up and start
flirting with her willy-nilly!
I've built up a rapport with
the others. It's like with Susan.
Flirting with her is like wearing
a comfy pair of old socks.
Isn't that right, Susan?
Yes, Charlie.
Well, Charlie, you need to get
back on the horse.
But to get back on the horse, first,
you need to talk to the horse.
Now, repeat after me.
You're the best, you're the best,
you're the best, you're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best...
You're the best. You're the best...
Now, drink that.
What is it?
Cherryade.
No, still not Claire.
That's a funny story!
Really?
It wasn't actually meant
to be a funny story.
Really?
It's brilliant.
Mm.
So what happened in head office?
Well, basically, last week,
I did quite a lot of overtime.
Yeah?
Well, I did ten hours.
But they only had me
down as doing eight.
Really?
Yeah?
Why?
Well, there was obviously a mix-up.
Go on.
So I went to head office
to go and speak to Sue.
Yeah? Oh, Sue Johnston?
Yeah.
Oh, brilliant! She's the
funniest person here after you.
Really?
Yeah.
I actually find her pretty boring.
Brilliant, great value.
Er, so anyway,
we're going through the rota and
we realise there'd been a mistake.
And what had...
And what had happened was last week,
I swapped quite a lot
of shifts with Shaddiq.
Shaddiq?
Yeah.
Oh, dear!
Why?
Er, well, because
I had a family function.
Family function?
Yeah.
Oh, shit!
Basically, the problem is, because
we're both on emergency tax...
Yes!
They put our payslips into
each other's pigeon hole.
Oh, shame you couldn't write that.
We should probably
head in, I think.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I love
working with you.
Hey, when we get back,
will you tell me that one about,
you know, when you
swapped phone tariffs?
What, from O2 to Orange? That one?
Seb!
Well, let me introduce myself.
My name is Gary Hall.
And I'm going to be teaching you
over the next two days
how to become a rock star.
OK? And one of the ways of getting
to know you all,
which I think is really useful,
is finding out who your favourite
bands are.
Which band or bands do you love?
Bands that you get
excited about, OK?
Start calling out some bands.
Any bands?
OK, well, I'll get the ball rolling.
One of my favourite bands
are a band called Nickelback.
OK? So I'll write Nickelback down.
Nickel... back.
They are one of my favourite bands.
Who are one of your favourite bands?
Toploader.
Toploader, OK.
Great, they're a good band.
And they had a hit with the song?
Dancing In The Moonlight.
That's Toploader. OK.
Any more bands?
Just start calling out bands.
Let's get a whole list going.
Any band from the last 60 years.
It doesn't have to be
your favourite.
Start naming some bands.
Steve, which band do you love,
which band gets you really excited?
Toploader.
No, nothing from the board.
OK, all right. Er...
Sopranos.
The Sopranos? Er, no.
That's a TV show.
OK, that's fine.
Let's move on to another exercise.
What I'd like you
to look at is this.
Now, let's say this is
the live venue.
Now, Steve, do you want
to stand up a second?
Come on, jump on up.
Mark with a cross
where the lead singer would go.
There's your audience
and there's your stage.
Where do you think
the lead singer would go?
OK, no, that's not...
in the venue.
So, in the venue.
That's your audience.
There's the stage.
That's... No, that's your audience.
Look...
So let's say that's the drummer, OK?
And there's your lead guitarist.
And there's your bass guitarist
and there's your microphone...
in which the lead singer
would sing into. OK?
Where do you think the lead
singer would go to, Steve?
OK, maybe have a sit down.
OK, would anyone else like
to come up and show me
where they think
the lead singer would go?
Anyone else?
Anyone at all?
Caroline?
Quantum Of Solace.
Quantum Of Solace?
No. OK, all right.
Let's take a break, five minutes,
and then you'll get to try on
a pair of leather trousers. OK?
Don't run.
'Word on the street was that
the countryside was the new city.
'Me and my two best friends were
up for some well-deserved R&R.'
Excuse me, which way's
the countryside?
OK. Thank you. Let's go!
What's the ground made of?
It's, like, not pavement.
It's not push, Yumi.
Push!
Like, you don't go anywhere
if you push it.
Ow!
Push!
I don't understand.
How do we get in there?
How were we in there before?
I think I can fit through.
Yeah, squeeze through.
Push that back that way
and pull that way.
No, you pull it.
You have to pull it to get out.
No, push!
Ow, Yumi! You're squashing me!
OK, right. This isn't happening.
Hey, do you need any help?
I've had a really nice time
on your farm.
So, why don't you stay...
for dinner?
Yes.
What were you thinking?
I guess I feel like
things have moved, like, so fast.
Like, I feel really close to you,
but, like, I don't know
anything about you.
What do you want to know?
I don't know. Like, what time
do you wake up in the morning?
Five o'clock.
I just feel so stupid. Just, like,
when you think you know someone.
"Fools rush in where angels
fear to tread."
Alexander Pope, 1709.
Thank you.
Oh, shut up, Yumi! Like,
what would you know? You're frigid!
So what are you going to do?
I don't know.
I just know that I can't stay here.
Like, I think he might be
inbred or something.
Like, his eye sometimes
goes like that a little bit.
And is it just me, or does it
seriously stink of shit around here?
'Next week, on Young Dreams...
'I'm paid a surprise visit
by an old flame.'
Oh, my God! Piggy!
'Olivia finally gets her
eyebrows waxed.'
Trust me, Olivia.
That looks so much better.
'And Yumi joins
an electropop band.'
Fuck you!
Thank you.
I could get into that.
OK, she's with the delivery guy.
Come on, buddy. She's signed
the package. Now, move on.
OK, he's leaving. Now's our chance.
We need to be fast.
Now, I'm going to be with you every
step of the way using the bluetooth.
I'll feed you the lines, you just
repeat everything I say. Capisce?
Yeah, yeah. Capisce.
Shit's about to get real!
OK, now let's go for a dry run.
Sally, you're looking good
'and you rock my world.'
Sally, you're looking good
and you rock my world.
'Janice, you never fail to amaze.'
Janice, you never fail to amaze.
'Beautiful!'
OK, I'm approaching target.
'Right, let's go in for the kill.'
Start with something simple.
"Hey, how you doing?"
Hey, how you doing?
Good, thanks.
Ah, so you must be the new office
pussy I've heard so much about?
Mind if I give you a stroke?
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
I can tell you like tuna.
I can smell it on your breath.
Has anyone ever told you
you have sad eyes?
You've never really been loved, have
you? That's all about to change.
Maybe put
a little collar on you,
and then get you a lovely cardboard
box, and stick it in the corner
of my kitchen, so you can
shit in it all day long.
Now, how does that sound?
How does that sound?
OK, guys,
so you've had your ten minutes.
You've had time to think about your
band. So let's start with you guys.
How did you get on, did you come up
with a name for your band?
A Leather Jacket.
OK, cool. And, and what kind of music
do A Leather Jacket play?
Nickelback.
Nickelback?
OK and how about you guys,
how did you get on?
Did you come up with
a name for your band?
And what's the band called?
Gary Hall?
OK. That's my name.
So you've decided
to call your band my name?
OK, and what kind of music
do Gary Hall play?
A Leather Jacket.
A Leather Jacket?
Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh,
shhh, shhh, shhh.
So you're a Leather Jacket
tribute act?
OK.
So you're A Leather Jacket
and you play Nickelback music
and you're Gary Hall,
which is my name,
and you play A Leather Jacket music
who are a Nickelback tribute band.
OK, guys, let's take a break
and then when you come back
we can all get to try some of this.
My name is Banksy
and I'm a street artist.
Today, we're up at silly o'clock
as the plan is to head off
and do one of my street pictures.
I say "we..."
as I'm taking my stepson Daniel
along to show him
a little bit about
what it is that I do.
Would you like to come with Daddy
to do one of his street pictures?
Oh, piss off.
OK, I'll leave your tea here.
Here he comes. Ooh, look at the face
on him.
Come on, Robin, hop in the Batmobile.
Would you like to do a pee-pee
before we set off? No?
OK.
Shall we get you a Macky D's
on the way? You like Macky D's.
Yeah, all right then.
Yeah? OK.
I've finally won you over...
with Macky D's.
Erm, stencils. Oh, yes...
It's 5:30am, and the reason we're
in Hadley Wood Industrial Estate
is because this wall overlooks
the A12, where you've got
thousands and thousands of commuters
passing through every day.
All right, Daniel,
do you want to hold the ladder?
I've decided to do one of my rats.
Hopefully I'll get loads of exposure.
Here we go. Give it a good shake,
like this, you see?
It's so easy, Daniel, do you see?
OK, so I've done the body.
Do you want to do the rat's head
and the brolly?
There you go.
And hold it about 15 centi...
No, further back,
about 15 centimetres away
from the head, Daniel.
That's it, that's lovely.
Can you tell me what
the political message is?
Rat race?
That's right.
And that's cos I feel that,
in today's society,
we're all living in a bit of
a rat race.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit!
That was too close for comfort.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I just saw the sirens
and my instincts... just went,
and I just bolted out of there.
Jill is going to go 'nanas!
She does not look happy.
'I feel dreadful.'
But Daniel is under 18,
and he'll probably get away with
a slap on the wrist and a...
and a warning.
At the end of the day, I'm the one
who has to pay the bills
and put a roof over our head.
Oh, Jill, Jill... Oh...
Looks like it's another night
in the Focus for me.
Yo, what's up? My names is Switch.
I'm a spoken-word poet
and this one's called...
Injustice. Check it. Uh!
If you go away for two weeks
Why can't I use your bed?
Mum and Dad, you ain't even using it
You've got your Maldives
hotel bed instead
I need to sleep in there
You've got an all-regions DVD player
And mine is so shit
I bought a DVD from America
And I can't even watch it.
I won't smoke herb
or have sex in there
and if I do, I'll clean it up
To be fair
You chose the bedrooms
Before I was born
I am forlorn.
Is that how you choose
to treat your spawn?
You want me to feed cats
And water plants.
But all I get is £20 in advance?
That's less than minimum wage
I ain't no slave.
You people taking me down
to an early grave.
And what's this bullshit
about Gran coming to check up on me?
Feisty.
All right, Terry?
Phil.
What's with the earring?
Oh, what, this?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've been doing some extra work
on that stupid
Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Oh, right. They've made a few
of them now, ain't they?
Oh, yeah,
they're dragging it right out.
Yeah. So are you doing
anything good?
No, not really, no.
I was up in the rigging going
"ooh, arr, ooh, arr" an' all that.
And I was happy doing that. Yeah.
The director came over and he goes
"I love what you're doing."
He goes, "I want to create a part
for you." Just like that.
That's all right, ain't it?
Yeah, it's all right.
So what food they give ya, then?
You got a choice. You've got
burger 'n' chips or pizza 'n' salad.
Can you get chicken?
No.
I bet old Johnny whats-his-name
can have chicken.
Oh, don't even get me started about
Johnny Depp! He's a nightmare, right.
Right.
He's up at the catering table,
he's looking at everyone's plate,
seeing who's had what,
making sure
they're finishing everything.
What's it matter to him?
That's what I said to him!
I said, "Listen, Johnny, why don't
you just enjoy your dinner
"and stop bothering everyone else?"
Yeah.
He goes, "I'm in character.
That's what Jack Sparrow would do."
Bollocks!
That's what
the catering lady said. She goes,
"He's like that on every movie!" No!
He's always by the tea trolley,
just eyeballing everybody.
So what was your scene, then?
Oh, some crap about a locket
or something,
that was magic or whatever.
I wouldn't have minded, but it was
another scene with Johnny Depp.
Was that not a bit awkward after
your run-in with him at break time?
What do you think, Terry?
Of course it was awkward.
It was very awkward, actually.
He takes it all
very, very seriously, you know.
But the thing is,
he kept putting me off,
cos he's always got one eye
on the catering tables.
Yeah. Did you have a sword fight at
all? Like, what did you have to do?
Oh, we had a little bit of scuffle
yeah, yeah.
Basically we had to fight
a sea monster. Oh!
But the director said, "No,
we're going to do it all in CGI."
Right. So they showed me a drawing
of actually what the sea monster
would look like. Yeah.
But in reality we just had to fight
a bloke with a fucking quilt
over his head.
That's how they do it.
It's all computers and that.
Exactly how they do it. Absolutely.
Anyway, poor bloke, he's getting
a right pasting,
Johnny Depp fucking leathering him.
He wouldn't hold back,
even after the director said "cut",
they had to pull him away, he's going
nuts, he was screaming at him,
he was punching him and kicking him.
He started laughing 'n' all that.
And afterwards he goes,
"I was just in character."
Bollocks! It was bollocks, exactly.
Are you going to stay in touch
with old Johnny Depp?
No, no, I don't think I will.
I mean, I got a text from him
this morning.
Yeah? A group text, or something,
about a multipack of crisps
that had gone missing,
he was doing his nut, I didn't even
dignify it with a response.
Best not to Phil, you know,
don't get involved.
Nah, look - until he sorts out his
issues I don't want to work with him.
No. Anyway you can't only have
a choice of pizza and burger
every day for lunch, you'd go mad.
And they say the movies are
glamorous. Give me a break, Terry!
OK, Tanir, you're first up,
step forward. There's the TV.
OK, imagine you're in a hotel room.
You're high on drugs.
Step up and throw the TV
out the window.
That's it.
Brilliant.
OK, get back to the back
of the queue.
Here you go, Guy. Up you go.
High on drugs, that's great.
Well done, Guy.
Steve, let me...
OK. Take your time,
there's no hurry.
Brilliant, Steve.
That's great. Well done.
OK, that's it, that's really nice.
Just throw it out.
Great, back to the back of the queue.
Steve, you've had a go,
just go to the back.
Guys, no pushing in, please.
Imagine you're in a hotel, you're
high on drugs. That's really good.
Rock and roll, Mark!
Up you come, that's really good,
go for it.
You don't want to do it?
OK, that's fine.
Guys if you don't want to do it,
you don't have to.
If you're scared or anything
like that.
No, Rod, you need to take
the TV, take the TV up.
Steve! Steve!
That's really good.
Get them!
Get them! Get them!
Oh, hiya, Charlie.
Oh, nice jacket!
Yeah. Check it out. It's a beer.
Oh!
Morning, Charlie.
Got a moment to give me a hand...?
James, I'll have to stop you right
there, mate.
I've got a nine o'clock flirt
scheduled with Claire.
Can we pick this up after, yeah?
You're not Claire.
No, I'm Anne. I'm covering for
Claire while she's on holiday.
Hey. How was your
nine o'clock with Claire?
Not good. Claire's not there.
It's some new receptionist.
Let me check this fishie out.
Oh, yeah!
So what's the problem? Why don't
you just flirt with her instead?
I can't just rock up and start
flirting with her willy-nilly!
I've built up a rapport with
the others. It's like with Susan.
Flirting with her is like wearing
a comfy pair of old socks.
Isn't that right, Susan?
Yes, Charlie.
Well, Charlie, you need to get
back on the horse.
But to get back on the horse, first,
you need to talk to the horse.
Now, repeat after me.
You're the best, you're the best,
you're the best, you're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best.
You're the best...
You're the best. You're the best...
Now, drink that.
What is it?
Cherryade.
No, still not Claire.
That's a funny story!
Really?
It wasn't actually meant
to be a funny story.
Really?
It's brilliant.
Mm.
So what happened in head office?
Well, basically, last week,
I did quite a lot of overtime.
Yeah?
Well, I did ten hours.
But they only had me
down as doing eight.
Really?
Yeah?
Why?
Well, there was obviously a mix-up.
Go on.
So I went to head office
to go and speak to Sue.
Yeah? Oh, Sue Johnston?
Yeah.
Oh, brilliant! She's the
funniest person here after you.
Really?
Yeah.
I actually find her pretty boring.
Brilliant, great value.
Er, so anyway,
we're going through the rota and
we realise there'd been a mistake.
And what had...
And what had happened was last week,
I swapped quite a lot
of shifts with Shaddiq.
Shaddiq?
Yeah.
Oh, dear!
Why?
Er, well, because
I had a family function.
Family function?
Yeah.
Oh, shit!
Basically, the problem is, because
we're both on emergency tax...
Yes!
They put our payslips into
each other's pigeon hole.
Oh, shame you couldn't write that.
We should probably
head in, I think.
Oh, yeah. Oh, I love
working with you.
Hey, when we get back,
will you tell me that one about,
you know, when you
swapped phone tariffs?
What, from O2 to Orange? That one?
Seb!
Well, let me introduce myself.
My name is Gary Hall.
And I'm going to be teaching you
over the next two days
how to become a rock star.
OK? And one of the ways of getting
to know you all,
which I think is really useful,
is finding out who your favourite
bands are.
Which band or bands do you love?
Bands that you get
excited about, OK?
Start calling out some bands.
Any bands?
OK, well, I'll get the ball rolling.
One of my favourite bands
are a band called Nickelback.
OK? So I'll write Nickelback down.
Nickel... back.
They are one of my favourite bands.
Who are one of your favourite bands?
Toploader.
Toploader, OK.
Great, they're a good band.
And they had a hit with the song?
Dancing In The Moonlight.
That's Toploader. OK.
Any more bands?
Just start calling out bands.
Let's get a whole list going.
Any band from the last 60 years.
It doesn't have to be
your favourite.
Start naming some bands.
Steve, which band do you love,
which band gets you really excited?
Toploader.
No, nothing from the board.
OK, all right. Er...
Sopranos.
The Sopranos? Er, no.
That's a TV show.
OK, that's fine.
Let's move on to another exercise.
What I'd like you
to look at is this.
Now, let's say this is
the live venue.
Now, Steve, do you want
to stand up a second?
Come on, jump on up.
Mark with a cross
where the lead singer would go.
There's your audience
and there's your stage.
Where do you think
the lead singer would go?
OK, no, that's not...
in the venue.
So, in the venue.
That's your audience.
There's the stage.
That's... No, that's your audience.
Look...
So let's say that's the drummer, OK?
And there's your lead guitarist.
And there's your bass guitarist
and there's your microphone...
in which the lead singer
would sing into. OK?
Where do you think the lead
singer would go to, Steve?
OK, maybe have a sit down.
OK, would anyone else like
to come up and show me
where they think
the lead singer would go?
Anyone else?
Anyone at all?
Caroline?
Quantum Of Solace.
Quantum Of Solace?
No. OK, all right.
Let's take a break, five minutes,
and then you'll get to try on
a pair of leather trousers. OK?
Don't run.
'Word on the street was that
the countryside was the new city.
'Me and my two best friends were
up for some well-deserved R&R.'
Excuse me, which way's
the countryside?
OK. Thank you. Let's go!
What's the ground made of?
It's, like, not pavement.
It's not push, Yumi.
Push!
Like, you don't go anywhere
if you push it.
Ow!
Push!
I don't understand.
How do we get in there?
How were we in there before?
I think I can fit through.
Yeah, squeeze through.
Push that back that way
and pull that way.
No, you pull it.
You have to pull it to get out.
No, push!
Ow, Yumi! You're squashing me!
OK, right. This isn't happening.
Hey, do you need any help?
I've had a really nice time
on your farm.
So, why don't you stay...
for dinner?
Yes.
What were you thinking?
I guess I feel like
things have moved, like, so fast.
Like, I feel really close to you,
but, like, I don't know
anything about you.
What do you want to know?
I don't know. Like, what time
do you wake up in the morning?
Five o'clock.
I just feel so stupid. Just, like,
when you think you know someone.
"Fools rush in where angels
fear to tread."
Alexander Pope, 1709.
Thank you.
Oh, shut up, Yumi! Like,
what would you know? You're frigid!
So what are you going to do?
I don't know.
I just know that I can't stay here.
Like, I think he might be
inbred or something.
Like, his eye sometimes
goes like that a little bit.
And is it just me, or does it
seriously stink of shit around here?
'Next week, on Young Dreams...
'I'm paid a surprise visit
by an old flame.'
Oh, my God! Piggy!
'Olivia finally gets her
eyebrows waxed.'
Trust me, Olivia.
That looks so much better.
'And Yumi joins
an electropop band.'
Fuck you!
Thank you.
I could get into that.
OK, she's with the delivery guy.
Come on, buddy. She's signed
the package. Now, move on.
OK, he's leaving. Now's our chance.
We need to be fast.
Now, I'm going to be with you every
step of the way using the bluetooth.
I'll feed you the lines, you just
repeat everything I say. Capisce?
Yeah, yeah. Capisce.
Shit's about to get real!
OK, now let's go for a dry run.
Sally, you're looking good
'and you rock my world.'
Sally, you're looking good
and you rock my world.
'Janice, you never fail to amaze.'
Janice, you never fail to amaze.
'Beautiful!'
OK, I'm approaching target.
'Right, let's go in for the kill.'
Start with something simple.
"Hey, how you doing?"
Hey, how you doing?
Good, thanks.
Ah, so you must be the new office
pussy I've heard so much about?
Mind if I give you a stroke?
Yeah, you like that, don't you?
I can tell you like tuna.
I can smell it on your breath.
Has anyone ever told you
you have sad eyes?
You've never really been loved, have
you? That's all about to change.
Maybe put
a little collar on you,
and then get you a lovely cardboard
box, and stick it in the corner
of my kitchen, so you can
shit in it all day long.
Now, how does that sound?
How does that sound?
OK, guys,
so you've had your ten minutes.
You've had time to think about your
band. So let's start with you guys.
How did you get on, did you come up
with a name for your band?
A Leather Jacket.
OK, cool. And, and what kind of music
do A Leather Jacket play?
Nickelback.
Nickelback?
OK and how about you guys,
how did you get on?
Did you come up with
a name for your band?
And what's the band called?
Gary Hall?
OK. That's my name.
So you've decided
to call your band my name?
OK, and what kind of music
do Gary Hall play?
A Leather Jacket.
A Leather Jacket?
Shhh, shhh, shhh, shhh,
shhh, shhh, shhh.
So you're a Leather Jacket
tribute act?
OK.
So you're A Leather Jacket
and you play Nickelback music
and you're Gary Hall,
which is my name,
and you play A Leather Jacket music
who are a Nickelback tribute band.
OK, guys, let's take a break
and then when you come back
we can all get to try some of this.
My name is Banksy
and I'm a street artist.
Today, we're up at silly o'clock
as the plan is to head off
and do one of my street pictures.
I say "we..."
as I'm taking my stepson Daniel
along to show him
a little bit about
what it is that I do.
Would you like to come with Daddy
to do one of his street pictures?
Oh, piss off.
OK, I'll leave your tea here.
Here he comes. Ooh, look at the face
on him.
Come on, Robin, hop in the Batmobile.
Would you like to do a pee-pee
before we set off? No?
OK.
Shall we get you a Macky D's
on the way? You like Macky D's.
Yeah, all right then.
Yeah? OK.
I've finally won you over...
with Macky D's.
Erm, stencils. Oh, yes...
It's 5:30am, and the reason we're
in Hadley Wood Industrial Estate
is because this wall overlooks
the A12, where you've got
thousands and thousands of commuters
passing through every day.
All right, Daniel,
do you want to hold the ladder?
I've decided to do one of my rats.
Hopefully I'll get loads of exposure.
Here we go. Give it a good shake,
like this, you see?
It's so easy, Daniel, do you see?
OK, so I've done the body.
Do you want to do the rat's head
and the brolly?
There you go.
And hold it about 15 centi...
No, further back,
about 15 centimetres away
from the head, Daniel.
That's it, that's lovely.
Can you tell me what
the political message is?
Rat race?
That's right.
And that's cos I feel that,
in today's society,
we're all living in a bit of
a rat race.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit...
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
Shit!
That was too close for comfort.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
I just saw the sirens
and my instincts... just went,
and I just bolted out of there.
Jill is going to go 'nanas!
She does not look happy.
'I feel dreadful.'
But Daniel is under 18,
and he'll probably get away with
a slap on the wrist and a...
and a warning.
At the end of the day, I'm the one
who has to pay the bills
and put a roof over our head.
Oh, Jill, Jill... Oh...
Looks like it's another night
in the Focus for me.
Yo, what's up? My names is Switch.
I'm a spoken-word poet
and this one's called...
Injustice. Check it. Uh!
If you go away for two weeks
Why can't I use your bed?
Mum and Dad, you ain't even using it
You've got your Maldives
hotel bed instead
I need to sleep in there
You've got an all-regions DVD player
And mine is so shit
I bought a DVD from America
And I can't even watch it.
I won't smoke herb
or have sex in there
and if I do, I'll clean it up
To be fair
You chose the bedrooms
Before I was born
I am forlorn.
Is that how you choose
to treat your spawn?
You want me to feed cats
And water plants.
But all I get is £20 in advance?
That's less than minimum wage
I ain't no slave.
You people taking me down
to an early grave.
And what's this bullshit
about Gran coming to check up on me?
Feisty.
All right, Terry?
Phil.
What's with the earring?
Oh, what, this?
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've been doing some extra work
on that stupid
Pirates Of The Caribbean movie.
Oh, right. They've made a few
of them now, ain't they?
Oh, yeah,
they're dragging it right out.
Yeah. So are you doing
anything good?
No, not really, no.
I was up in the rigging going
"ooh, arr, ooh, arr" an' all that.
And I was happy doing that. Yeah.
The director came over and he goes
"I love what you're doing."
He goes, "I want to create a part
for you." Just like that.
That's all right, ain't it?
Yeah, it's all right.
So what food they give ya, then?
You got a choice. You've got
burger 'n' chips or pizza 'n' salad.
Can you get chicken?
No.
I bet old Johnny whats-his-name
can have chicken.
Oh, don't even get me started about
Johnny Depp! He's a nightmare, right.
Right.
He's up at the catering table,
he's looking at everyone's plate,
seeing who's had what,
making sure
they're finishing everything.
What's it matter to him?
That's what I said to him!
I said, "Listen, Johnny, why don't
you just enjoy your dinner
"and stop bothering everyone else?"
Yeah.
He goes, "I'm in character.
That's what Jack Sparrow would do."
Bollocks!
That's what
the catering lady said. She goes,
"He's like that on every movie!" No!
He's always by the tea trolley,
just eyeballing everybody.
So what was your scene, then?
Oh, some crap about a locket
or something,
that was magic or whatever.
I wouldn't have minded, but it was
another scene with Johnny Depp.
Was that not a bit awkward after
your run-in with him at break time?
What do you think, Terry?
Of course it was awkward.
It was very awkward, actually.
He takes it all
very, very seriously, you know.
But the thing is,
he kept putting me off,
cos he's always got one eye
on the catering tables.
Yeah. Did you have a sword fight at
all? Like, what did you have to do?
Oh, we had a little bit of scuffle
yeah, yeah.
Basically we had to fight
a sea monster. Oh!
But the director said, "No,
we're going to do it all in CGI."
Right. So they showed me a drawing
of actually what the sea monster
would look like. Yeah.
But in reality we just had to fight
a bloke with a fucking quilt
over his head.
That's how they do it.
It's all computers and that.
Exactly how they do it. Absolutely.
Anyway, poor bloke, he's getting
a right pasting,
Johnny Depp fucking leathering him.
He wouldn't hold back,
even after the director said "cut",
they had to pull him away, he's going
nuts, he was screaming at him,
he was punching him and kicking him.
He started laughing 'n' all that.
And afterwards he goes,
"I was just in character."
Bollocks! It was bollocks, exactly.
Are you going to stay in touch
with old Johnny Depp?
No, no, I don't think I will.
I mean, I got a text from him
this morning.
Yeah? A group text, or something,
about a multipack of crisps
that had gone missing,
he was doing his nut, I didn't even
dignify it with a response.
Best not to Phil, you know,
don't get involved.
Nah, look - until he sorts out his
issues I don't want to work with him.
No. Anyway you can't only have
a choice of pizza and burger
every day for lunch, you'd go mad.
And they say the movies are
glamorous. Give me a break, Terry!
OK, Tanir, you're first up,
step forward. There's the TV.
OK, imagine you're in a hotel room.
You're high on drugs.
Step up and throw the TV
out the window.
That's it.
Brilliant.
OK, get back to the back
of the queue.
Here you go, Guy. Up you go.
High on drugs, that's great.
Well done, Guy.
Steve, let me...
OK. Take your time,
there's no hurry.
Brilliant, Steve.
That's great. Well done.
OK, that's it, that's really nice.
Just throw it out.
Great, back to the back of the queue.
Steve, you've had a go,
just go to the back.
Guys, no pushing in, please.
Imagine you're in a hotel, you're
high on drugs. That's really good.
Rock and roll, Mark!
Up you come, that's really good,
go for it.
You don't want to do it?
OK, that's fine.
Guys if you don't want to do it,
you don't have to.
If you're scared or anything
like that.
No, Rod, you need to take
the TV, take the TV up.
Steve! Steve!
That's really good.