Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 23 - Episode #5.23 - full transcript

[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys,

[tires screech, crashes]

which can often end in disaster.

With the thousands and thousands
of dash cams around the world

constantly recording our
behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre
to the ridiculous.

The funny to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.



We're gonna delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

Investigate
the 'Scene of the Crime'.

And put those in the wrong
firmly 'Behind Bars'.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show, no one,

and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.
Not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this extra special
police special episode

of Car Crash TV.

We'll have cops, obviously.



Criminals, allegedly.
And victims, worryingly.

But if we're going to show
crimes caught on camera,

there's always going to be
some collateral damage.

But worry not folks,
we're after all a family show,

sort of, all the aforementioned
victims will ultimately be fine.

The alleged criminals though,

well, they've made their bed
so they can lie in it.

Car Crash TV,
the home of rough justice.

In this next piece,
we're heading across the pond

to join our friends in the great
State Highway Patrol of Ohio.

Yes, these officers stop
at nothing to keep

the good roads of Ohio
free from crime.

These officers try their best
to keep law and order

but it seems Ohio's drivers
are hell-bent on causing chaos.

Highway Patrol received reports
that a driver was on the run

in Cincinnati for raiding
the local fried chicken joint.

These officers were setting
up a roadblock

to stop the greasy thug
in their tracks.

But these two patrol cars
were no match

for a driver high on a blend of
15 different herbs and spices.

It seems this monster lives to
lick their fingers another day.

This officer's routine stop
and search on the highway

was about to take
a very unexpected turn.

Yikes!

I've never seen a policeman
move that fast.

Let's see that again!

Looks like we need to get
officer James here

some fresh kecks, pronto!

State Highway Patrol
were responding to a call

about a driver who had been
seen in the Cleveland area

driving on the wrong side
of the road.

Officers tackled
this driver head on.

In a bizarre defense
to the Highway Patrol officers,

the British driver claimed
that they weren't at fault

as their "pesky assistant"
had told them to drive this way.

Look, where did you get this?

I was presenting award
at the Ohio Ferret Breeders

annual dinner.

My mind was elsewhere
and this fool told me that,

that was the way to go.

Back out on the road performing
his routine stops,

and with a freshly
laundered uniform

nothing could shake
Officer James now.

Look at that, handled like a pro
and back to the task in hand.

Officer James, we salute you.

Officers in Columbus were called
out to a crash on the highway.

Seems a couple of frat boys
had decided to burn some rubber

with each other
and got way out of hand.

Well, boys, seems your little
game hasn't gone so well.

There's no smoke without fire,
you little frats!

Next time keep your antics
to the locker room.

The back of this
is filthier than my...

No, I'm not going there.
Sorry about that.

It seems when you keep our
so-called production team

cooped up writing jokes
about car crashes

their minds fall to the gutter.

Moving on.

We like to celebrate good
driving here at Car Crash TV.

Sure, we play a lot
of clips of car crashes,

but we like to commend drivers
when they do a good job too.

And one of the things
we appreciate most of all

is the use of an indicator.

While poor drivers consider
the use of this device

to be a sign of weakness,
I consider it the ultimate sign

of consideration on our roads.

So, without further ado,
here's an example of a man

who knows exactly
what to do with an indicator.

What, did I forget to mention
that our indication fan

is currently being
chased by the police?

This is a police special,
dear viewer. Come on now.

Show a bit of initiative.

Be like this guy. He's currently
oozing initiative.

Because even though he's being
chased by police,

he is indicating
at every junction.

Not only is this respectable
from a highway code perspective,

it also means if he wants
to plead ignorance

with an 'I had no idea
you were following me'

argument later down the line,
he's left his options open.

Genius.

Wow, he really is committing
to the indicating, isn't he?

I sleep with the highway code
under my pillow,

but this is so unashamed it's
getting too much for even me.

Let's leave him to it for
a while and come back later,

if our stomachs can take it.

The police are always on
the look-out for new methods

to aid their fight
against crime.

As all you great
strategists know,

the element of surprise
gives you the upper hand.

Great strategists?

Who do you think
our audience are?

To seize the element of surprise
the police have adopted

an undercover
high-speed stinger operation.

Literally smashing the justice
into these punks.

Let's go undercover with this
black ops unit and take a look.

See this black 4x4
and its brightly painted friend?

Wrong-uns.
Now that's direct justice.

Good luck slinging your muck
when you're banged up!

This shoplifter in the silver
car was about to get lifted.

Zero tolerance in this town,
even if you're a petty criminal.

Good luck shoplifting
from A&E, bozo.

This crim was about
to be sent into a spin

by our black ops team
for their involvement

in the robbery of a launderette.

The long arm of law will grab
you by the scruff of the neck.

Your pants ain't
so clean now, eh?

The black ops team
fear no criminal.

If you break the law,
they'll be onto you.

Just watch as they take
on this mammoth lorry suspected

of smuggling drugs.

The bravery of this team
knows no bounds

and left this lorry driver
quite literally [BLEEP] bricks.

Just outside the airport,
this next criminal

was wanted
for a heinous crime.

They were suspected of clapping
when their plane landed.

Zero tolerance
for this sort of behavior.

Look, you're just being
ridiculous now.

In our final clip,
we witness the black ops team

swiftly take out the driver
of this Picasso

for no other reason
than it's simply an awful car.

One less mouth breather
to worry about now.

The road is a safer place.
This really is not on.

Still to come on this
Car Crash TV Police Special.

We'll be identifying despicable
drivers in 'Car Watch'.

Investigating at the
'Scene Of The Crime'.

Suggesting that if you want it,
done properly, do it on foot.

But first, please indulge
me with some interaction.

Watch this dramatic police chase

and have a think about
what happens next.

Will this dangerous driver
get what he deserves?

The answer's on its way, folks.

Right, before the break,

I played you some
of this dramatic police chase.

Cool, right? Sorry.

I've just been told
not to call it cool.

Obviously, the actions of this
driver are highly illegal

and with good reason, it poses
a real danger to the public.

But it makes dramatic viewing
is all I meant.

Course I can say that, now
you're just being pedantic.

I asked you to have a little
think about what happens next.

Essentially, whether or not
he manages to get away.

With a move like this,
I certainly hope not.

You see, I'm not on his side.

Oh, no! Get after him!

He's over here!
Ah, fantastic.

The old walk of shame.

Come and look at the damage
you caused, sir!

Not so cool now, are you?

Check out the footage
when you can though,

it's a ruddy good watch.

If you're just tuning in,
my first question is why?

This is Car Crash TV!

Not some disposable reality show
that you can dip in and out

of where G-List celebrities beg
for your attention

by eating the sex organs
of desert animals.

We have arcs, continuity,
a following of loyal viewers

who are still sticking with us
week after weeks

because I promised to tell them
what 'schadenfreude' means.

If you're just tuning in then
you missed a clip

of a guy indicating while
being chased by police officers.

But not to worry,
he's still going.

Now that's a man of conviction
and principle.

He might have just held up
a retirement home,

but at least he's having
the decency to give the police

a bit of notice as
to which way he's going to turn.

Did any of our loyal viewers
come up with any other theories

why he's doing this?

Do I even care anymore?

Finally this roller-coaster road
etiquette is brought to an end.

But wait, did he indicate
how it would end?

Alas, no indication.

Does this mean he didn't plan
to come off the road?

Or was this a planned escape,
and his lack of indication means

he has finally embraced
his own fugitive status?

I just don't know
what's real anymore.

We get it, there's many police
out there solving our crimes.

Apart from when there isn't.

Unfortunately, since the start
of this episode of Car Crash TV,

62,850 crimes have been
committed on our roads

that will go unreported.

Our police just don't have
the resources to be everywhere.

And while it might sound
a little daunting,

we can certainly help to reduce
that number by sharing

the footage of dangerous
driving caught on camera.

Here's veteran broadcaster
Hugo Smith to talk us

through what's been
captured this week.

Can you help him identify
any of these lawbreakers?

Good evening.

I've been asked to open
our program

with a message of advice.

Please do not do
what this man is doing.

According to the highway code,
zebra crossings

are for pedestrians, not for
bicycle-truck-trailer hybrids.

If you see someone flaunting
the road markings like this,

please do not retaliate
by doing this.

As you can see,
the bicycle-truck-trailer hybrid

has now separated
into those three components.

Unfortunately, they're equal
to the sum of their parts.

This truck driver's vigilantism
has resulted in dismemberment.

Which, ladies and gentlemen,
is officially a crime.

Have you seen this driver?

In the state of Albuquerque,
there's another driver

who's taking
the law into his own hands.

This man has got a problem
with swingers.

As often the case with swingers,
viewer discretion is advised.

Thank the lord he missed.

He'd do well to remember
the swinger code.

Once you throw your keys into
that bowl, all bets are off.

Have you seen this driver?

In Kolkata, reports
of huge quantities of drugs

being transported across borders
using industrial equipment.

Our undercover cameraman
was able to capture

this transportation
of an immense piece of cocaine,

which was due to be shipped
to Mumbai to meet

the demands of the entire
West Coast of Africa.

As you can see from the footage,

the supply chain is not safe
for anyone involved.

Have you seen this driver?

More undercover footage now,
and we can enjoy a man

who enjoys slipping backwards
a disturbing amount.

You know what I'm going to ask,
but it's as crucial as ever.

Have you seen this driver?

As a man who makes
rice once said,

with great power comes
great responsibility.

Trucks are great and powerful.

Meaning they have a great
responsibility on the roads.

Unfortunately, truck drivers
flaunt that responsibility.

My highway code senses
are tingling.

Have you seen this driver?

We have reason to believe that
the driver in our previous clip

is also in possession
of a tractor.

The similarities between
their methods are undeniable.

And so, I shall ask again.
Have you seen this driver?

This could be your garden fence.

And if that doesn't appeal
to your humanity,

just know that there was a baby
on the other side of that fence.

A baby mouse, to be precise.

Driving like this
just cannot go on.

This is an urgent appeal to our
viewers to ask yourselves.

Have you seen this driver?

Here at CCTV towers, we come
across all manner of clips

and welcome the task of writing
some side-splitting comedy

to accompany them.

Ah right, passing off what you
write as comedy now, are we?

Ha.

But every now and then,
our researchers come across

some clips that just
don't merit a joke.

Well, not tastefully anyway.

When it comes to these clips,

we want to get to the bottom
of what happened.

For this task, we have enlisted
the services of retired private

investigator from across
the pond Chip Kowalski.

Handing you over to you, Chip.

Evening, folks. Chip here.

Now I believe we got pretty darn
ugly scenes to take a look at.

My, my.

So how has this fella ended up
through the wall

and off the damn road?

Looks like we have one of those
pesky Lada's too.

Luckily, the local patrol
is already on the scene.

Let's take this tape back
and see what happened here.

Seems to me that
this peaceful little town

is about to be rocked
by some punks on the run.

Good lord!
These fellas are crazy!

I sure as hell don't need to see
any more of this to know

who needs locking up here, folks.

Thankfully, we got someone
on the scene already.

Lock these punks up.

Now, I'm as green-fingered
as the next fella

but I sure as hell
don't take it this far.

Okay, wind this one back
let me see

how this driver ended up
in the bush.

Looks like this green-fingered
punk is on the run,

and taking his fight off-road.

But luckily, we already
have a cop hot on his tail.

Enjoy the open air while you can
my friend as you're heading

straight for the slammer.

I've seen enough of this bozo.

This is quite the smash. I sure
hope these folks are all right.

Looks like we got some first
responders on the scene already.

Let's see how these folk
got into this grisly mess.

This town sure as hell
is full of whack jobs.

Oh, boy.

Looks like we have ourselves
a good ole nighttime chase.

Nobody could out run ole Chip
here back in his prime.

But you gotta be on your A game
in these situations.

One false move and--
There we have it.

Well, now we know how these
folks got in this mess.

Fellas, stitch 'em up,
then lock 'em up.

Now, for years the car has
proved to be the perfect tool

for chasing down criminals
and bringing them to justice.

And such is the slowness
of criminals,

it's taken them a while
to realize that if you can get

the cops out of their cars

you might have a better
chance of evading capture.

At least that's the theory.

But cops have legs too, and they
aren't afraid to use them.

Pursuing a criminal is a tricky
bit of business for the police.

They don't want to be caught,

so they'll do anything the can
to evade a stretch in pokey.

This particular wrong-un
has wisely used a motorbike

for his means of escape.

But the police have a little
something up their sleeve.

Our old friend violence.

It hurts,
but damn if it doesn't work.

As we've established, criminals
don't want to be caught.

To aid in a takedown, cops are
given a number of tools that can

cleanly and successfully end
a high-speed, or in this case,

low-speed pursuit.

Want to see one of these tools
in action?

Of course, you do.

Yeah! Grenades!

Okay, probably more likely
a stinger or some stop sticks,

but wouldn't it be cool
if they did use grenades?

That would spice up
the morning commute.

Now, just to be clear,

I don't wanna be seen
as encouraging criminals

but I feel like the ones in this
clip need some help and advice.

If you wish to make good
your escape, for God's sake,

pick a more sprightly get-away
car than a Lada.

That's right, ditch the thing
and proceed on foot.

Congratulations,
you've increased your chances

of evading capture three-fold.

However, I must inform you
that doing this

will have completely
the opposite effect.

Looks like they have freshers
week in Eastern Europe, too.

Another police pursuit clip,
another criminal

who has inexplicably chosen
a Lada as the vehicle

in which to make good
his escape.

Although I think this might be
an enhanced Lada

as it's moving at quite a lick.

However, the body of these
little beasts was not designed

for such speeds, so eventually
it will fail you.

And those clothes weren't
designed for a criminal.

Wear black so you can blend
into the night, not pastels.

Now they're definitely
going to catch you.

Ah, look at this,
the classic pincer movement.

At least it would be if officer
Popov had his radio turned on.

But no, he's clogging up
his arteries by chowing down

on a greasy bone at his local
fast food chicken restaurant,

leaving the pincer incomplete

and the criminal
to make good his escape.

So what have we learned?

Yes, greasy chicken costs lives
and arrest quotas.

That's your lot, lovely people.

I hope you enjoyed
our little left turn

into the world
of crime and punishment.

We like to break the mold every
once in a while

here at Car Crash TV.