Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 22 - Episode #5.22 - full transcript

Tonight we have a Car Crash TV Police Special and we'll get to see both sides of the law makers in Good Cop and Bad Cop and once they've done their work we'll be locking up some more dastardly drivers Behind Bars.

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---
[man] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys,

[tires screeching, crashing]

which can often end in disaster.

[thuds]

With the thousands and thousands
of dashcams all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able
to find a multitude

of jaw-dropping clips.

[dogs barking]

From the bizarre
to the ridiculous.



- The funny...
- [thuds]

...to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little
cameras have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots,

investigate
the Scene of the Crime,

and put those in the wrong
firmly 'Behind Bars'.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics of

the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips
we show, no one,

and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.



So drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

[sirens wailing]

Coming up on Car Crash TV.

Police go undercover,
police go off-road...

[crashing]

and police go soft?

[crashing]

You thought this police special
would be nonstop aggression?

- Hopefully we've taught you...
- [horn honking]

not to be so quick to judge.

[mellow music playing]

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

[upbeat music playing]

For this special of Car Crash TV
we're doubling down our efforts

to bring those drivers
responsible for causing

downright chaos
on the roads to justice.

Yes, it has come
to our attention that

some drivers need tracking down
for their crimes.

For this, our team of creative
experts have...

[laughs]
...you're having a laugh.

Creative experts?
Now that is funny.

More of those jokes, please!
[clears throat].

This brings me on
to our new strand, Car Watch.

Have you seen this driver?

For this we have enlisted
the help of veteran broadcaster

Hugo Smith who will be guiding
us through the clips

we've received in the hunt
for dangerous drivers.

Handing you over to Hugo.

Good evening. Our first clip
comes from the motorway,

and just watch as the car spins
out at considerable speed.

This was a very lucky escape.

We would like to hear their spin
of events.

Have you seen this driver?

We've been sent this footage
from one of our concerned

viewers in the quiet fishing
village of Blackpool,

being plagued by menace drivers.

I like a close shave just
as much as the next person.

Have you seen this driver?

[upbeat music playing]

Now this next clip

demonstrates a serious
intelligence deficit...

- [tires screeching]
- ...behind the wheel.

Good heavens, truly frightening.

They've broken the law
and their window

and we want to speak
to them about it.

Have you seen this driver?

The next driver
is known to be erratic

and the public are warned
not to approach.

- Good lord.
- [tires screeching]

That was a very lucky escape
for all involved.

Please be cautious.
Have you seen this driver?

I haven't, but I've definitely
seen that motorway before.

The authorities want to speak to
this driver regarding their

indiscriminate attack
on public infrastructure.

The public are warned
to be vigilant.

If you recognize any of these
drivers this evening,

get in touch.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

[upbeat music playing]

Now you'd think in a high-octane
police special of Car Crash TV

there would be no place

- for our old friend the Lada.
- [horn honking]

But you'd be wrong.

Yes, they might be slow
and cumbersome however,

as I think I've established

throughout
our many award-winning episodes,

they are inexplicably drawn
to danger.

[sirens wailing]

Exhibit A, here is our criminal
driving a Lada.

Why? Is he insane?

Quite possibly, considering
the way he left himself

on the train tracks

- until the very last second
- [train horn honking]

so as to shake the cops
on his tail.

Ballsy, when you consider
the acceleration

on one of the things is
on a par with a tortoise.

Can someone tell the train
driver he needs to move?

Whenever you're ready.

Look, I know the Lada
isn't the fastest vehicle

but they're definitely getting
away now!

Fair play to the cops
for carrying on the chase,

but you'd be better off heading
back to the station for a donut.

Ladies and gentlemen,

two Car Crash TV firsts
for the price of one.

Not only are you enjoying

a police special
for the first time.

but I believe this is
the first episode

where we've unleashed
dual dashcams.

I bet this feels like Christmas
has come early.

We are good to you.

Anyway, thus far
we've seen the Lada have

the edge over the cops
but the driver of this one

isn't aware of the old turn
in the road maneuver

that stumps the cops
in this part of the world,

and there isn't a train track
in sight.

So, there's only
one thing for it.

Abandon ship. Well done,
you've just increased

your chances of getting
away three-fold.

[siren wailing]

You know what, I think
I've come to a conclusion.

The criminals in Eastern Europe
are a bit rubbish at their job.

I mean, why would you buy a Lada
for a getaway car,

unless that's all
you can afford?

It's the only explanation.

Seriously chaps, if you'd have
invested in a Merc or a Beamer

you'd have shaken
the cops by now.

Sometimes you have to spend
money to make money.

Irresponsible? Me? OK, fine.

Viewers, our lawyer is concerned
that my comments may have led

you to believe I'm glamorizing
the life of crime.

That is not the case.

I mean, this lot are driving
around in a Lada.

Hardly glamorous.

And they're being been
caught now.

Trust me,

there's nothing glamorous about
the inside of a jail cell.

I learnt that the hard way.

But the less said about my gap
year in Thailand the better.

[siren wailing]

You know what, I think criminals
in this part of the world

use the Lada so as to wind
the cops up.

Think about it, these guys
have trained for years

and have perfected
the skills required

for a high-speed pursuit
and now they're reduced to this.

It must be what it feels like to
a bull when it's been castrated.

No wonder he's taking out his
frustrations on the thing.

[sirens wailing]

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

I know what you're thinking,

- [horn honking]
- with Car Crash TV

going rogue this week
and producing

a police chase special,

I'll miss out on some of my
favorite regular features...

- [horn honks]
- ...that are the cornerstone

- of this fine broadcast.
- [crashes]

Well you'd be wrong.

We aren't reinventing the wheel,

just tinkering
with it a little bit.

And to that end I give you...
"Hit Or Miss."

[soft music playing]

Good evening, folks.

And I know what you're thinking,
are we onboard

with the police car or are we
about to come across one?

Well, that answers
your question,

so how about now
you answer mine.

Are we going to plough
into the police?

Course correct and bash the bus?

Or through a combination
of sharp mind,

and even sharper brakes, miss?

And a hit, what a way to almost
certainly lose your license

and short-term freedom!

Okay, next up, and we have
a beautiful blue sky

and a less than beautiful
blue SUV

under the distinct impression
that the road belongs to him.

There are the police officers
eager to play along too.

So, will we hit the swine
in the SUV?

Swerve to avoid it, but in doing
so, give the officer here

a little bonnet contact
he hadn't bargained for?

Or miss?

[car horn honks]

And it's a miss!

I wonder
if the cops got it right?

- Well, they certainly saw it...
- [siren wailing]

...and they're off to reprimand

the driver for his appalling
grasp of the right of way.

So don't feel too bad
if you got it wrong,

take comfort in the fact
that justice was served.

Now, when a police vehicle is
giving it the old blues and twos

you move out of,
rather get in, its way.

Clearly the driver of the white
SUV is a more modern person

who believes that rule
doesn't apply.

So, will his new age actions

see him snuggle up
to the police car?

Go head-to-head with the car
we're on board?

Or by pure dumb luck, miss.

And by jove, it's a hit!

Looks like he's found out
the hard way

the modern life
is in fact rubbish!

On board this time
with the cops themselves,

and they're mid high speed
pursuit with someone,

who if you ask me,

might be a bit too familiar
with a bottle of scotch or two.

This erratic driving needs to be
brought to a halt and fast,

but how are the cops going
to go that?

By barging and disabling
the vehicle?

Or keeping their distance
and letting it come to a halt

in the name of public safety?
I think,

I've answered the question
for you here, folks.

[crashing]

Of course, it's a hit.

Thank you officers
for making the road safe again.

And thank you viewers
for tuning in.

We'll be back with more
'Hit or Miss' very soon!

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

[upbeat music playing]

[horn honking]

These are dark,
dark times, folks.

No, I don't mean because
the clocks have gone back

so don't be smart.

The road is turning into a more
hellish place by the day,

and to give something back to
the community we've decided to

take action against
the very drivers causing this.

- [truck horn honking]
- We have acquired the skills

of rough and tough retired

- Glaswegian police detective...
- [horn honks]

...Jock Mc Swingan,

to send these miscreants
'Behind Bars.'

Like smashing people head
on do you, pal?

Well there's plenty of those
fellas where you're going!

Behind bars.

[dramatic music playing]

[thuds, crashing]

Jesus Christ!

In all my Glaswegian years
I've never seen such a thing.

You nearly took
that biker's head off!

There's only one place for
psychopaths like this driver!

Behind bars.

[crashing]

Destruction to public property
a pastime of yours?

Well you'd better find something
else to pass the time with,

behind bars.

[soft music playing]

So, you like throwing
your weight around, hey?

Best hope Big Pete in cell H
doesn't throw anything

- in your direction behind bars.
- [crashing]

- This driver...
- [tires screeching, crashing]

is throwing the rule book
right out the window.

Get him fixed up at hospital,
then send this punk behind bars.

Seems our driver here
in the orange lorry thinks

he can smash his way
through anything.

I would love to see him try it
behind bars.

- Well, hold my haggis,
- [tires screeching]

I'll throw this one
in the slammer personally.

No time for that
reckless behavior.

Off you go, son. Behind bars.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Coming up in this Car Crash TV
police special,

which I think we can all agree
has turned everything you

thought you know about
Car Crash TV on its head.

- Cars will crash.
- [tires screeching, crashing]

- We'll shout 'idiot' at people.
- [siren wailing]

And more cars will crash.

What? They're supposed to be
undercover police officers?

Ha, very funny.

[thuds]

Oh, you're serious?

But before all that,
it's time to play my favorite

guessing game and yours,
it's What Happens Next?

Have a think about what's about
to happen in this CCTV clip,

people, because
this one's to be continued.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Welcome back to our Car Crash TV
police special.

Before the break I showed you
this artistic CCTV shot

and asked you to guess
what happens next.

It's a police special,

so who do we think is about
to get arrested?

- [horn honks]
- [tires screeching, crashing]

Ooft. What a twist.

Rewind that would you, team?

[horn blaring]

Yes, as I thought!
His blue lights aren't on.

That's not the heat of pursuit.
He really was just speeding.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

It's a nasty world out there
on our roads.

Police have realized
that they can have

the most impact by getting
on the same level as the crims.

And so, a covert black ops unit
have taken to our streets,

hiding in unsuspecting vehicles
to put themselves

- in prime take-down positions.
- [crashing]

Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together

for our undercover officers.

See this little red Renault?
Class A ne'er-do-well.

And here's a class
A solution to that problem

- [crashing]
- That's how it's done.

Who needs community service
when you can put a convict

in hospital for six months?

Black Mercedes,
must be a drug baron.

I mean, there's always a chance

of course,
that they're not a drug lord

but our undercover
team takes no chances.

Rightly so, Mercedes drivers
are rarely guilt-free.

The brave men and women
on this special ops

force really do put themselves
at risk to keep us safe.

- [tires screeching]
- I mean, just look at this.

What a sacrifice. [scoffs]

We're truly blessed to have
officers that go to

such lengths to keep us safe.

The criminal in this clip
is guilty of a crime

worse than anything
you've seen so far.

- Brace yourselves, people.
- [horns honking]

[crashing]

That's right.
Guilty of driving a Lada.

Let's be honest, he deserved
even more than this.

While it might be trendy
for police to take part

in community growth schemes,
members of the public are

becoming dubious as
to their effectiveness.

The preferred method is
to tackle the problem head on.

Boom. How can I be sure

that these clips are actually
of undercover cops,

I hear you ask?

Are we not just playing normal
car crashes to add variety

to our police special,
I hear you accuse?

Would I lie to you?

Seriously, if you can't trust
the faceless face of

Car Crash TV to give you
the truth behind a car crash,

then we truly are living
in a fake news dystopia.

This roundabout is a hotspot
for undercover police activity.

And when I say hot,

I mean, the officers' cheeks
when he reviews this footage

and realizes that
this was his target.

A lorry full of laundered money?
Only one thing for it!

[tires screeching, crashing]

That's right.

A side smash, dumping the cargo
all over the road.

And the best thing about that?

As our officers are truly undercover,

they were able to get away
with pocketing half the cash.

They've got to stay
in character you see.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

There is one group of road users
that throw the rules,

and more importantly the law,

out of the window
and that is the truckers.

Yes, if you've ever entered a
service station after a trucker,

the restrooms can resemble destruction

of Chernobyl proportions,

and the eateries raided
of anything

with an abnormally
high butter content.

- [crashing]
- You have to ask yourself,

what sort of maniac wants
to sit in a lonely,

cold cabin all day

with nothing but the sound
of their own voice?

A lot like this voice over bo--

Don't you dare compare me
to one of those deadbeats!

It seems the feds have had

enough of these
trucking monsters

and the long arm of the law
is catching up with them.

This blue trucker had just been
caught red-handed licking donuts

then putting them back
on the shelf.

This was no case for the local
police department to glaze over.

Not the time for puns.
They were in hot pursuit.

A Lada here
to watch events unfold.

I might have known. Ghouls.

Not ones to go down
without a fight,

watch as this trucker deposits
a slick of butter on the road,

sending this policeman
to the floor.

Nice try, but the law has caught
up what you now, mate.

Don't come between a copper
and his iced ring.

This trucker was about
to take drastic action.

He needed a quick way
to completely remove

the slogan on the side
of his truck

before everyone discovered it
was a huge lie.

The truck driver was described
as flustered and blonde.

[crashing]

Be on the lookout folks,

a lucky escape from our boy
in blue here.

Following a break
in at the pie factory,

officers were hot on the tail of
this driver in the yellow lorry,

and the steaks couldn't have
been higher.

[crashing]

Anyone with subtitles on
is going to see that shoddy pun,

so you won't be laughing
then and frankly,

neither will they. Cut it out.

Knowing their time was up
and the law was catching up

with these ruffians of the road,

one martyr to the greasy cause
took drastic action...

[horn honking]

...and allowed some of his
fellow bandits to escape.

It truly is the wild west
out there, folks.

Beware of crazy truckers.

- [car crashing]
- [electricity crackling]

Now, we feel in these dark times

that it's important to bring
everyone together.

We really care about
our viewers here at CCTV.

- [horn honking]
- So it's time for us

to bring back
that most loved feature,

- 'Identify the Idiot'.
- [crashing]

Yes, nothing brings
a greater stress relief than

the whole family shouting
in unison at the television.

Let's identify some idiots.

We've stopped the action
straight off the mark here as

boy do we have one keen driver
waiting to join the idiot ranks.

- Let's take a look.
- [siren wailing]

No your eyes
aren't deceiving you,

we have driving in the wrong
direction on a highway here.

No denying that we have
a weapons-grade idiot

- on our hands here, folks!
- [crashing]

Thank the lord the police
are here

before he does some real damage. Idiot.

- OK, second clip up now.
- [siren wailing]

Seems we have a bit of a chase
on our hands.

Now which of these drivers
are on the road

to claiming our next
idiot crown?

Now dear viewers, it does indeed
look like we have found

ourselves in the middle
of a high-octane police chase.

The suspect here could very well
become the idiot,

but you know
we're a decent bunch.

Innocent until proven guilty.

[crashing]

Ah yes, remember
to trust your instinct, folks.

I think I would make
a cracking detective.

After all it was me who found
the person responsible

for wrapping half eaten bananas
in cling film.

It was Wesley! Idiot!

All good things sadly
must come to an end,

so we have now arrived
at our final clip.

But fear not as we have saved
the best till last.

Trust me,
this one is satisfying!

Let's take a look.

Remember, the idiot can emerge

from the most unexpected
of places.

Wow! My that was satisfying.

High speed, around a corner
and through a red light,

oh, you're spoiling us!

One last time... idiot!

Thanks for playing
along at home, folks.

And remember,
if you need to relieve stress

with more shouting
at the TV just watch

Piers Morgan in the morning.
That's bound to do the trick!

[theme music playing]