Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 24 - Episode #5.24 - full transcript

Tonight we have another Car Crash TV Police Special and we offer a little bit of friendly advice to those wishing to avoid a run in with the law in Say No To Speed Kids, before finding out if The Bark Is Worse Than The Bike.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[man] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys,

[tires screech, crashes]

which can often end in disaster.

With the thousands and thousands
of dashcams all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous.

The funny,
to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

the 'Scene of the Crime'.

And put those in the wrong
firmly 'Behind Bars'.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show, no one,

and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Still to come on extra special
Car Crash TV Police Special

we have Criminals on motorbikes.

Criminals on quad bikes.

And criminals in vans.

Basically, there's criminals
all over the shop,

but worry not, there's also
a job lot of the world's finest

boys in blue to round up
and bang them up.

That's right, Car Crash TV.

Entertaining the nation
and cleaning up the streets.

Let's face it, most of us
are in a hurry, right?

We've busy lives.

We want to get to where we're
going as quickly as possible.

Who wants to spend more time
than needed in their car?

Except those weirdos
that meet up in car parks.

Okay, they're the exception.

So, it comes as no surprise
that many people don't always

stick to the law when it comes
to the speed limit.

In turn, the police have become
pretty slick drivers in catching

these foot-flooring menaces.

Winding it back to 2002 now.

Ah, those were the days.
I was in university.

My memory is a little, uh, hazy,
officer, like this footage.

The thing about a high-speed
suburban chase is,

you need to be pretty on it
when it comes to driving

or else before you know it
you're going to be in this mess.

Funny thing is,
the folks at this house

just bought a 3D television.

I bet they weren't expecting
it to be that realistic.

The driver of this speeding
silver bullet had found out

the hard way that if you
knowingly eat a dodgy takeaway

you will pay the messy price.

He needs a toilet. Fast.

Oh, God,
not the side of the road.

Please, no.

Well at least the police
are here now.

Sorry mate, [bleep] yourself
or not, you broke the law.

The police are in hot pursuit
of a speeder here, folks.

Someone has fallen foul
of the law.

But who exactly?

I know you're going to be quick
to blame the ice blue car.

It's the sort of thing a maniac
would drive, right?

But look again.

Our criminal was at such speed

you may have missed him first
time around.

Ice blue driver
may very well be a maniac,

but not our criminal.

Now this clip
is an interesting one.

Here at CCTV, we have it on good
authority that we are about

to witness the very moment this
guy broke it to his girlfriend

he had spent £500 on tickets
to see Robbie Williams.


I guess she's not the one
after all, buddy.

Although I think you're lucky
to be walking away from this.

Hopefully, she'll give you
the engagement ring back.

This driver was making
a run for the border

after compromising photos
of him were found online.

You've stuffed it now, mate.

You had a great run,
you really did.

But all good things come
to an end, a bit like my career.

Look, I thought we were getting
on again.

Is there any need?

And so we turn our sights
to those users of the road

who blight us with two wheels.

Yes, the bikers.

There's a reason that bikers
have a fearsome reputation.

Nobody has ever said, "Hey,
that biker bar looks welcoming.

Let's go!" It's because
they are simply crazy people,

there's nothing else
that can explain it.

No other road user
has such blatant disregard

for their own lives.

Okay, maybe Lada owners,
but that's it!

They may be cavalier
in their approach to safety,

but biker criminals know
they have more chance of getting

away on two wheels.

Let's lock some
of these thugs up.

The first clip is a nice slice
of rough justice.

This biker thinks
he's got away with it.

Oh, lord, that is good.

This biker was on the run
from the law after being found

interfering with cucumbers
in the supermarket.

Ah, trying to escape
off-road, are we?

Nobody likes a smart aleck.


Next up, we're hot on the fumes
of this speedy chappy.

He was wanted after complaints
of someone acting suspiciously

around a local cafe,
but mess about with coffee

morning punters
and face the wrath.


Never underestimate the power
of a handbag to the face.

This guy's been watching too
many movies.

Thinks he's Steve McQueen.

In his defense, he does have
quite the cinematic backdrop.

Riding off into the sunset.
Nearly made it.

Tough luck, fella.

Less king of cool,
more massive ruddy fool.

For the second time
in this series,

we seem to be chasing
a motorbike with a sidecar.

No, this isn't
Carry On Crash TV.

Sid James hasn't just robbed
local bank with a water pistol.

This is a genuine police chase,
believe it or not.

Seems these boys
are running out of time.

The police just need
to deploy a custard pie

to the road to finish them off.

Fitting ending for an outrageous
police chase.

Lock these clowns up
with the rest of the circus.

And finally, just to show
these contraptions

for what they really are.

Sometimes the police don't even
need to put any effort in.

They do a good enough job
of taking themselves out.


We have a retired Glaswegian
police detective on our books,

boys and girls.

He goes by the name
of Jock McSwingan.

He comes to the studio fully
dressed in his old uniform,

but don't knock him.

He kept your mummy and daddy
safe back in the day.

Jock got particularly excited
when it was announced

we were making the
Car Crash TV police specials.

Those flashing blue lights
just get you all tingly,

don't they, Jock?

All apart from the one
on my electric toothbrush.

It's giving me a bit of stick
just lately.

And speaking of sticks, this
driver loves being out in them.

Shame he's about to find himself
behind bars.

Like to smash into the little
folk, do you?

Say goodbye to your cheeks,
because that reputation

is sure to get them removed
behind bars.

Find yourself smashing
into metal fences, I see.

Good practice for your hourly
delirious episodes behind bars.

Like to bump into other people's
vessels, do you?

Just steer clear
of hoarder Gordan's

favorite bucket behind bars.

Like to do a little twirl
in front of the police, do you?

How about when you've
already discarded

your clothes, behind bars?

Enjoy a little three-way smash,
do you?

Well, how about ten-ways,
behind bars?

Think you can do
whatever you want?

This lifestyle can continue
if you manage to escape

from your inescapable cell,
behind bars.

Enjoy a great bit of wood I see.

Now I understand
why you're so desperate

to get yourself behind bars.

When the weather turns and the
rest of us are wrapped inside,

spare a thought for the boys
in blue still out on the street

dishing out some cold justice.

Yeah, it seems criminals
just love snow.

It sends them into a crazed
frenzy on the road

causing misery
for everyone else.

Remember, kids,
crime doesn't pay.

Stay in school, work hard
or else you'll end up

voicing a clip show and look
I'm not falling for this.

Just play the ruddy clips.

First up we have Dennis here
who is running his BMW

into the ground on the run
for shoplifting

from the local butchers.

Having stuffed his pants
full of bacon,

the local police department
were hot on his tail.

It looks like this meat marauder
is about to get his justice.

If that bacon wasn't cured,
it sure is now.

Ah, if it isn't our villainous
friend the Lada.

The only thing this driver
is guilty of is driving a car

as ghastly as that.

But I've no doubt that crimes
of all manner

will have been
committed on the way.

Only yesterday I saw
a Lada deliberately swerve

into a puddle
to soak a group of pensioners.

They're nothing
but morally bankrupt.

Some might say
that was heavy-handed,

but not enough
for these beasts, in my opinion.

This chap is on the run,
at quite some speed I may add,

and for the most peculiar
of crimes.

He had just been caught
red-handed putting laxatives

in the punch
at the village Christmas fair.

Oh, dear, quite the mess
you're in here, fella.

Ask yourself this,
was it really worth it all

for the sake of a cheap laugh?

I think you lot need
to contemplate that as well.

On this show, we occasionally
make reference to the habits

and antics
of our production team.

Let's face it,
they're easy targets.

I mean anyone who sends
Robbie Williams fan mail

and drinks oat milk
is fair game.

When our editor
didn't show up for work,

as he said he went headfirst
into a pile of snow

over the weekend, we wrote
him off as a degenerate lowlife.

Little did we know
he was being quite serious.

So, yeah.

We retract those comments and
hope he makes a swift recovery.

Now in this clip, we have
the best example of community

coming together with the police
for the greater good.

This driver was about to take
a head-on impact

to stop an absolute monster
who was on the run.

This driver has been listening
to Christmas music in November.

They absolutely deserve
to be locked up.

Now in the main,
those suspected of a crime

tend to want to get away
from the police,

however, this chap it seems, is
rather desperate to be caught.

Oh, my God,
is that my assistant Wesley?

I know I can be hard on him
but this seems a bit extreme.

Although admittedly,
the three square meals a day

he'll get in the slammer
probably amounts

to a lot more than I pay him.

Good luck, Wes.

Just punch the biggest guy
in the yard on arrival

and you'll be grand.

Coming up next on
the Car Crash TV Police Special.

We'll be asking wrong-uns
to 'Show Me Your Quads'.

'Put Your Van's
Where I Can See Them'.

And revealing some
'Alternative Tactics'!

But first,
it's 'What Happened Next?'

You, the viewer, need to stare
at this dashcam shot

and have a think about
what happens next.

If you're new round these
parts, just roll with it.

And there's your clue.

[tires squealing, crashes]

[electric buzzes]

Welcome back to a very special
police episode of Car Crash TV.

Before the break,
I asked you to try and predict

what was about to happen
in this clip.

So without further ado,
roll the tape.

Roll being the operative word.
Look at this maverick.

Impressive stuff,

but what's this got to do
with our police special?


This man is being chased
by police, on roller skates?

Roll it again!

A Car Crash TV first, perhaps.

But then, isn't everything?

We don't just peddle you
with the same old [bleep] here.

Up next, car crashes.

Criminals are known
to use all kind of vehicles

to perform their dirty deeds.

But we've discovered that there
is one particular type

that they just seem
inexplicably drawn too.

The quad bike.

Yes, that contraption of death
on four wheels with absolutely

nothing to stop you being turned
to mincemeat.

First up, we're
in the great state of Ohio

where these two delinquents
are trying to outrun

the mighty state highway
patrol on their quad.

The classic, the pincer!

These boys should give up now
while they can.

That's it, mate!

Rip your shirt off,
show 'em who the tough guy is!

Feds 1- Quads Nil.

Something tells me this guy
isn't for pulling over.


One, he's riding a quad,
so clearly not of sane mind.

And, this may be a bit
of a hunch so bear with me,

but wearing a balaclava, too?

Yeah, this fella isn't stopping!
The chase is on.

Seems these boys have quite
a task on their hands here.

But this criminal has got these
chaps right where he wants them.

It seems these beasts
have their pros after all.

They won't be following him into
the woods in a Skoda in a hurry.

Quads 1, Feds 1.

Hot on the heels of this
quad bike on the snow,

these cops meant business.

Gotcha! Dead end.
Wait a minute.

We already know what types of
maniac it takes to drive a quad,

so for goodness sake
don't follow him inside!

God knows what booby traps
have been set!

You fools!
Nice knowing you.

This quad biker had just pulled
off a heist at a local bank

and is making a run
for the border.

the off-road bottleneck.

He thinks he's got away
with this one.

Not smart enough.

The feds have got a tight grip
of his, um, quads, there!

This is it, the final chase
in what has become

a mighty battle between
the quad biking criminals

and the authorities.

Is he going to face justice
or ride off into the sunset?

This looks like it could be
game over.

Oh, my!

I hate to say this but,
the quads have it.

He's absolutely done
these lads over here.

We live in dangerous times.

the fact that we've been
able to put together

multiple Car Crash TV
police specials is proof

that traditional policing
is not working.

Our boys in blue are having
to come up with innovative

new ways to keep
the crims at bay.

Here are some of the latest
methods of left field law.

As regular officers are losing
public respect by the day,

the government are trialing
the employment of celebrities

to regulate traffic.

This week it was the stars
of Strictly Come Dancing.

Certainly more productive than
having affairs with each other.

Production of police cars
has decreased in recent months,

with a greater emphasis
on police vans.

Criminologist Richard Murray
opines that vans increase

a town's capacity for policing.

Not just in the literal sense
of squeezing more gangsters

into the back, but their shunt
attacks do much more damage.

Gangsters on the move here.

No, I'm not glamorizing
gang activity.

Kook at the state
of his smashed-up Vauxhall.

This doesn't look any better,
to be fair.

Maybe there's a deal on in CTOn
at the moment

on bashed-up bangers.

Anyway, this is a package about
alternative police tactics.

So what can we take away
from this?

That officers are now in taxis
to chase after gang members?

To be fair, with the competitive
Uber pricing,

CTOn might have found solution
to lack of police funding.

The police are out in numbers
to try and stop this suspect.

But what exactly has he done
wrong to warrant such attention?

Only one way to find out.

Let's end this pursuit
the old-fashioned way,

with a bump to the bum.

Oh, I see, he's driving the Lada
that time forgot.

No wonder they wanted
him off the streets.

Another new technique being put
into practice is the blockage

of roundabouts
to catch criminals.

Although this road block
is a bit [bleep].

And as such, rather ineffectual.

But that's something these cops
are clearly used to.

You've lost the criminal and you
forgot to pick up your partner.

This lot are having a stinker.

And while we're talking about
people having a stinker,

check out this guy.


That stop him thinking about
breaking the speed limit today.

Job well done.

The road is inhabited
by all manner of beasts,

carrying out
all manners of heinous crimes.

This next demographic of chaos
causers are well known

to our law enforcement agencies.

Yes, the van drivers.

Lovers of fly-tipping, wolf
whistling and casual racism.

The law was beginning to catch
up with these filthy drivers.

Right come on, strictly speaking
this isn't a van, is it?

It's a mobile home.

It doesn't even have van
in the name.

I know it's getting to the end
of the series, but come on.

Also, why is it leaning
to one side?

You know what?
I don't even want to know.


I'm sorry,
this also isn't a van.

It's not remotely a van.
This is a 4x4.

Have they been on those
mushrooms again?

What's going on today?

Granted he's being chased by the
police that's ticked one box,

but we were meant to be looking
at vans here.

Now, this is more like it.

Kev here, in this filthy excuse
for a vehicle, was on the run

from the authorities after
his involvement in the abduction

of some local prized hens.

You may think this
is a heavy-handed response,

but this is no yolking matter.

Oh, for goodness sake.

A very well-hatched response
from the authorities.

You know what, I'm beyond
complaining now.

It's not like you to listen
to me anyway.

After tracking down the person
responsible for covering

the local station
in pork-related graffiti,

the net was closing
in on our Bacon Banksy.

Good lord!

I've never seen a man kung fu
kick a window in, either.

Can I get an action replay?

Now that, that is impressive.

Don't forget to stretch out afterwards.

Be gentle with him, lads!

The driver of this van
was beginning to regret

their actions
from earlier that day.

After a long-running spat
with a neighbor,

he took it upon himself
to collect all the dog waste

from a local car park and cover
said neighbor's car.

You can't help but admire the
lengths some people will go to.

Safe to say he was now on the
run for his crappy misdemeanor.

But he was no match
for our boys in blue.

He'll think twice before [bleep]
on his own doorstep next time.