Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 12 - Episode #5.12 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]

Which can often end in disaster.

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

- [honks]
- [crashes]

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

To the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

Investigate the scene
of the crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

After all, there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers
to help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one, and that means
no one, is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky...

Still to come on the show...

We'll be casting
our consumer eye

over the cabbies
in Rate My Ride.


Pointing our judgmental finger
in the direction

of those lacking
in basic intelligence

in Identify the Idiot.


And indulging in a spot
of Anarchy After Dark.

Well, the drivers in our clips
will be,

the closest we get to anarchy
in the Car Crash TV office

is when the producer breaks out
the bourbons because the ratings

have come in and he's fooled
his boss into believing

he knows what he's doing.

[crashes] She's not fooled,

she knows it's me
who carries this show.

I can have you fired
in a heartbeat,

so maybe next time
the ratings hit you,

upgrade to chocolate Digestives.

There was a reason
famed blues musician

Robert Johnson sold his soul
to the devil at the crossroads,

they really are the gates
of hell.

Some people just seem to lose
all sense and ability

and proceed without a care
in the world,

foot to the floor, screw it.

We've got together a selection
of clips here to prove that.

Let's take a look.

The first clip demonstrates
the effect

that crossroads have on drivers.

The junction dawns on them
and they lose all control.

There's even a sign
telling them to stop.

See, told you so.

A new passenger door
and collarbone

needed for this one.

Okay, folks, we have a double
idiot at the wheel here.

Not only has he floored it
across a crossroads.

But also ran a red light.

So, this berk deserves the lot.

Some people...

Now this driver
has either fell curse

to the crossroads,
or really doesn't like Mercedes.

I mean, they are a bit smug,
if we're being honest.

When you end up in a crash,

you want the emergency services
there pretty pronto.

But not so ideal when they are
causing it themselves.

Hey, look on the bright side,
no long wait for an ambulance.

Disaster tourism
is really on the rise,

and during dry spells
it's not uncommon

for these grubby tour operators
to create their own attractions.

Look at these ghouls.

Lapping it up,
have you no shame?

Watch out, there's a Lada about.

Disaster coming.


What a nice little crossroads sandwich.

See, people have no idea
how to navigate them.

I'm not sure what the cause
is here,

now I could be quick
to blame the crossroads,


but the driver
of this little red beast

could be a bargain hunter
and was simply shocked

at the price
of six potato croquettes.

We come now to our final clip
in this cross-road case study,

just to prove the fact
that people simply lose

all cognitive ability
upon joining them.

What driving school teaches you

to bomb it around the junction
and hope for the best?

I guess it's just
natural selection

at the end of the day.

I've seen enough.

Gone are the days
of flagging down a taxi.

With the fantastic
gig service apps

that are available today,

you don't have to waste
any energy

holding your arm out for one,

and even better,
after your journey,

you can slag your driver off
online something rotten.

Here are a few choice reviews
from the past week.

Michael thought CompetitiveColin101

did not pay him
enough attention.

"He just wasn't interested
in me or my attempts

"at conversation",
Michael wrote.

"He spent the whole journey
antagonising this orange Mazda."

"I wouldn't mind normally,
because I hate Mazda's.

But I was on my way to a very
important business pitch,

and was hoping to run through
things with Colin on the way.

When it came to emotional
support, he offered zilch.

"So then when he was crying
on the phone to his insurance,

I offered him an equal amount. Ha.

"Sally was unimpressed
with ClassyCraig69's carriage.

"I forked out for an exec car,
and the guy only goes

and turns up in a Lada."

"He did have complementary
tissues in the doors though,

which came in handy
after the crash.

"Hannah was unimpressed
with BenDoverFor."Me.

That's who I book a taxi for.

But anyone would think Ben
was the paying customer

on this journey.

He harped on and on about how
his wife had left him.

"And if his chat in the bedroom
is anything like his chat

in an automobile,
I can't say I blame her.

"Rupert will not be taking
another trip

with DickSmalley6000.

"What a hypocrite this man is.

He wouldn't let me eat
my crab sticks,

even though I said I'd lean over
my briefcase,

but then he started chewing
on a giant marshmallow.

"I don't care that it's his car,
if there are rules in place,

everyone needs to stick to them.

"And the same goes for
on the roads."

Lucy felt guilty that she gave
Sandra55 such a low rating.

"I feel really bad about writing
this review, Sandra," she wrote,

"because you're
a nice enough lady."

"But if no one tells you,
you will never know.

Your personal hygiene leaves
everything to be desired.

I could actually see things
crawling in your beard.

I wanted to tell you
to your face,

but I couldn't physically
face you without retching.

I hope you understand,
and that next time I see you,

I won't have to immediately
take a shower

when I get to my destination.

"Sophie, however, couldn't get
enough of FunLovingFreddie18_35.

"Freddie did everything I asked
and more," Sophie commended.

"I told him I wanted to go
for a spin,

[tires squeals]
and he happily obliged.

"If Freddie had survived,
I'd have considered

asking him out for a drink.


We like to take aim at all users
of the road here at CCTV,

and the monsters of the road
are no exception,

no, not bus drivers this time.

For once.

Yes, it's those big
mother truckers

behind 18 wheels.

If you ever wonder why
your favorite pastry

is always sold out,
or the service station toilets

resemble a gruesome crime scene,

then you can bet
your bottom dollar

a trucker has just paid a visit.

Let's take a look
at some of these beasts.

As mentioned, they have quite
the voracious appetite

for baked goods.

They are known to completely
clear out bakeries

in one fell swoop
and they will stop

at nothing to get their fix.

Just look at the way that driver
was forced off the road,

just so that savage can get
his steak bake.

At least all that butter
will send him to an early grave.

Now, all those
baked bean pasties

have quite the effect
on the digestive system.

Kevin here just opened
the truck cab window

after demolishing six.


The extreme butter content
in the trucker's bloodstream

also leads to periods
of erratic behavior.

They have been known
to lash out.

Remember, kids.
Say no to butter.

This is the story
of the Toyota and the truck,

He stopped in the middle
of the road

to many a funny look.

He never moved
and held his ground

because he didn't...
really care to...

There have been rumors
on the roads for a while now

that Nissans are turncoats,
and will do anything

for a few crumbs from trucker.

Just look at how it springs out
of the way

of this premeditated attack. Judas.

Now they say objects
in the rearview mirror

might appear closer
than they are.

Or, if you're a trucker,
completely invisible.

Look, it's not
an exact science, ok?

It was approaching closing time
at the local bakery,

and big Dave here
hadn't had his fix.

Knowing stock
would be running low,

there was no way
he was letting anyone beat him

to those flaky greasy goods.

Now, not all truckers
are evil butter-snorting beasts.

Some really are trying
to turn over a new leaf

and help out
their fellow road users.

This car up ahead was lost

in need of pointing
in the right direction.

Just not that hard.

See, they are trying.

Now, all good television
should inform,

educate and entertain.

The monstrosity of an automobile
known as a Lada

allows us to tick all three
of those boxes

quite beautifully.

We inform you about the dangers
that they pose.

We educate you
on how to avoid them.

And we entertain you
by playing you clips

where they get
a nice little dint.

So get yourselves comfy,

there's some quality television
coming your way.

The silver car is called
Jefferey, a brave little soul.

Jefferey has agreed to open
this segment

by guiding us over
to our first Lada.

And there it is, it can't fool
us by caking itself in mud.

But what's it planning?

Of course. The classic


Aw. Look how spritely
this little daisy is.

If only it was facing
the other way,

and could see the enormous
boxed-shaped beast

that's heading in its direction.

To be fair, seeing a Lada
smashed from behind

is enough to leave me
feeling spritely too.

But more on that later.

There it is. Plain sight.

Eyes on the Lada,
eyes on the Lada,

eyes on the Lada,
eyes on the Lada.


Haven't you heard?

The safest way to drive
on the road

is to drive as if
everyone's a Lada driver.

And this one was.

More police officers have been
put in place

to combat the Lada issue.

But the pressure is turning
some officers loopy.

Guilty by association it seems.

No, it's a sorry state
of affairs,

but there's far too many Ladas
out there

for the police to handle.

If we're going to try
and address the issue,

we need to take matters
into our own hands.

Just like that.

Not the hero we deserve,
but the hero we needed.

But I'll be honest,
even when someone crashes

into a Lada, it brings me
no pleasure.

You know why?

Because the evil little thing
enjoyed it.

It cares not a jot
about the collateral damage

it's received.

They just want to watch
the world burn.

Look, I don't need
further evidence, okay?


Is it the break now? Yes?
Thank god.

Ease back on the Lada's, okay?

I was close to walking then,

and you'd be nothing
without me, nothing.

Coming up next on Car Crash TV.

Life will move pretty fast
when we start Burning Rubber.

Our judgmental side will
come out in Identify the Idiot.

And we'll throw caution
to the wind

with some Anarchy After Dark.

But, before that collection
of carnage,

it's time to take a stab
in the dark

at What Happens Next?

It's a wheely tough one.

Before your mind got numbed
by commercialism,

you were watching
the thoroughly wholesome,

wholly highbrow
and highly thorough?

Car Crash TV.

I gave you the difficult task
of predicting what happens next

in this clip and dropped
a wheely subtle clue.


That's right, the wheels
came off one of the vehicles.

Ah, the genius.

Pure artistry.

A televisual triumph.

Fleabag who?

On with the show...

There's no point coasting
through your day-to-day.

If you want to have a good time,

you've got to live life
in the fast lane.

But there is a speed limit.
Don't take the mick.

Jesus. That's a beastly bevvy
of road signs.

Surely such complexity
at a junction

means this is one
to take with care,

and yet...

Just because you've got rid
of the signs

it doesn't make the junction
any less complicated.

Slow Down.

Well, this hasn't started well,

a Lada on the scene
from the off.

Although I'm going to stick
my neck out

and say it's not the star
or this clip,

and if it is then I'm going
to question the person

who named this section
Burning Rubber.

Bullet dodged, production team.

And if that shoddy excuse
for driving,

or the thought of paying
fifteen ninety

for two bottles of juice,
wasn't depressing enough,

we're left on the painfully
mundane final image

that is two Lada's.

Oh, boy, we really need
something visual

to make things fun again.

How about a magic trick?

I'm going to use a car crash

to make vehicle damage disappear.

Ta-da. It's gone.

The film buffs among you
may have noticed

that I just
quoted Heath Ledger's Joker.

Still the best interpretation
of the Joker, in my eyes.

I do like the new film,
but the guy

who does our graphics told me
I didn't understand it,

so now instead of seeing
Joaquin Phoenix,

I can't help but picture
the patronising face

of a man who needs to spend
more time on our Car Crash TV

title cards and less time
pretending to be a film critic.

Speaking of Jokers, here's one.
Why so seriously bad at driving?

Eyes away from the world's
most out-of-place beach hut,

the action is about to happen
right here.

Ok, you can look at it
again now.

Grim, init?

I know I said I was only allowed
to praise one lot of speeding

per episode...
But I think we can all agree

that when it comes to flying
into Lada's, the rules can bend.

Just like its doors did.

Roll up, roll up, yes, folks,
it's time for you

angry souls at home
to let rip at the telly.

It's time for everyone's

stress relieving feature,
Identify the Idiot.

Now, the rules are simple, we're
going to show you some clips

featuring some pretty shoddy driving,

in return, you get to shout
at the screen

and relieve
some of that built up stress,

don't say
we don't look after you.

Let's identify those idiots.

Okay, clip one and we're off.

Our contenders are lining up here.

Regular viewers will have
spotted the Lada,

as well as old pasty chops
in the truck leading the charge.

Both strong contenders,

with impressive
bad driving resumes to boot.

Here we go, who's going to be
crowned or first idiot

in front of the nation?

Overtaking on the wrong side
of the road.

Folks, this Lada has made
an epic cock up.

Altogether now. Idiot!

Okay, round two,
whose turn is it to join

the ever-swelling ranks
of dolts, dunces, dumbos,

and dingleberries?

Now, our driver in the middle
has found himself surrounded

on all sides by the most
unpleasant drivers

on the roads, the bus driver.

It's rumored that they actually
have to pass a test

proving their arrogance
before being allowed

behind the wheel.

So, this driver may find
themselves in a tricky one here.

Best of luck to our 4x4 driver
running this hellish gauntlet.

Seems to be by the book here,
indicator on.

I knew it. The bus driver.
Not only arrogant but, an idiot.

I'd get out of there
pretty sharpish

before they all turn on him.

No, no I won't drop it.

Okay, folks,
I trust your vocal cords

are nicely warmed up now,
we have one more for you.

Okay, this is a busy junction,

plenty of options
for our final idiot of the week

to ruin the day out of nowhere
like a fart at a funeral.

Is it going to be one
of the drivers in front,

or perhaps Mr. High
and Mighty here?

Right, okay, okay,
I get it enough.

But I will never forgive
that driver

from all those years ago.

Nobody leaves me stranded
in Wigan and gets away with it.

No one. Anyway.

Let's roll this clip back

and look out
for our final Idiot.

Okay, so our contestants
are lining up here,

who's claiming the final crown?

Oh, now that is moronic,

cancel an indication
and go the opposite way.

Have you lost your mind?

Ladies and gents,
we can crown our final idiot.

You can go back to shouting
at Piers Morgan now,

once we've finished, of course.

Our regular viewers will know
that once the sun goes down,

it all gets a little Mad Max
on the roads.

Yep, the dregs
of the driving barrel

come out to play
and cause havoc.

Frankly, I'd rather lock myself
away till it's safe

to go out again, but then again,
I'm not even sure when that is.

Let's take a look.

This van driver is about
to learn the hard way.

You do not crash into the purple
menswear enthusiasts

club mascot car
and get off lightly.

Oh god, he's really poked
the wasp nest here.

I fear the worst for this guy.





I see extinction rebellion
are busy tonight.

Oh, just like that it's over
for you, dweebs.

Learn how to drive, hippies.

Oi. I care very much
about the environment.

of Extinction Rebellion,

they've started
taking some direct action.

These 4x4's are big gas guzzlers.


Don't mess with Greta Thunberg.

Nighttime and heavy snow
is double danger.

So, maneuvers like this...
Are rather idiotic.

Now go and pull over
and have a long think

about what you've done.

Netto. Blast from the past.

Have we time-travelled
back to the good old days

where people were considerate
and looked out for one another?

And when exactly was that?

Nope, thought not.

Okay, I have to give it
to this driver.

I really do admire someone
who goes the extra mile

in the face
of very minor setbacks.

This is a guy
who definitely cracks eggs

with a sledgehammer.