Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 11 - Episode #5.11 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day

more and more people
are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]

Which can often end in disaster.

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find
a multitude

of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.

To the ridiculous.

The funny.

- To the downright dangerous.
- [crashes]

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

just about every mishap
you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by identifying
the idiots.

Investigate the scene
of the crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly behind bars.

Afterall, there's nothing like
seeing the antics

of the world's worst drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember,
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show, no one,

and that means no one,
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely, not everyone
is this lucky...

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV...

A catalogue of carnage.


A plethora of prats.
A deluge of dingleberries.



And you started so well too.

Clearly consistent use
of flowery language

is beyond our writer,
so let's just strip things down

to the bare essentials,
shall we?

- People will drive badly.
- [crashes]

People will crash their cars.

I'll poke fun at them.

They'll be some game-type
features shoehorned

into the proceedings.

And you'll be entertained.

[tires squeals]

The road is a dark
and dangerous place.

I don't really blame those
that try to avoid the perils

of being responsible,

not just for their own
four wheels,

but all the other
chinless idiots on the road.

So, it comes as no surprise
that many people

opt for public transport.

But, oh, no, dear viewers,
the peril does not end there.

These death traps,
and the zombies that drive them,

bring another added
danger to the road.

Case in point.

Just look at the sheer savagery unleashed

on this poor unsuspecting Audi.


I bet the passengers
lapped it up too.


In its slight defense,
public transport occasionally

help rid the road of those
who simply

should never have been allowed
behind the wheel.

If you think
you can take on a tram,

then you need to retake
your driving test.

Bus drivers get a bit
of a bad press

and do you know what...

- They completely deserve it.
- [crashes]

Not only are they
the most arrogant people

to walk the Earth,

but a risk to the life
of everyone around them.

Trainspotters are going
to extreme lengths

to get the first glimpse
of new rolling stock.


Look, guys, this isn't, or ever
will be, an extreme sport.

Trams have right of way
over cars, that much is obvious.

But as this guy's
registration plate shows,

car drivers would usually say
that they're top of the tree.

Sometimes a biblical act
of trammage is needed

to prove who's king of the road.

Here at CCTV, we like to educate
and inform our viewers

on some
of life's great questions.

Have you ever wondered how a new
baby tram is created?

Ah, isn't nature magical?

All this footage
of public transport

causing hell on the roads
has led to vigilante drivers

taking matters
into their own hands.


That oughta show them.

In our trawl through thousands
of dash cam crashes,

we stumble upon many cases
of illegal driving.

Most of these just require
a slap on the wrist,

but sometimes they need
escalating further,

and it is then that we take
our responsibility to the law

very seriously.

To prove how serious we are,

here's our resident police
veteran Jock McSwingan,

straight from the heart
of Scotland's true capital,


Tell them what the score is, Jock.

Crossed over to the wrong side
of the tracks, have you?

Make yourself comfortable
because there is no right side

behind bars.

Prone to losing control,
I notice.

That'll buy you
at least two weeks

in a straitjacket, behind bars.

Like creeping onto the other
side of the road, do you?

That's good, you'll have
something in common

with creepy Craig, behind bars.

Think you're a bit of a big boy,
do you?

You'll discover a whole new kind
of big boy, behind bars.

Think you can get away
with murder, do you?

So did most of the nut jobs
who you'll be cooped up with

behind bars.

Attracted to other people's
wings, are you?

Oh, how the tables will turn
behind bars.

Enjoy a little daydream,
it seems.

You'll be dreaming of escape
from your hovel behind bars.

Got a taste
for the white powder, I see.

Good, because that's where
most of your nutrients

will come from behind bars.

Fancy yourself a bit sporty,
do you?

Let's see how you fare
in 'how many nails',

the number one sport
behind bars.

Enjoy playing around at night,
do you?

So does
Harry 'the horse' Higgins,

who's waiting for you
behind bars.

You can't have a moment
out of the spotlight anymore.

If the dashcams aren't rolling,
then you can bet there a camera

somewhere, that's guaranteed
to catch your shoddy driving.

Yes, we're delving
into the world of CCTV,

the eyes on every street corner

that catch the most hapless
of driving.

Let's take a look.

Okay, I understand the issue
of drivers

correctly using crossroads
needs to be tackled head on.

This isn't going to help
the problem.

Now this pleasant
little junction also happens

to be the scene of an ongoing
feud between two proud mothers.

Sandra here is determined
for her son to be first

at the school gate
every morning,

whereas Alison has other ideas.

She's sick of Sandra's son
stealing the limelight

from her precious Daniel,
so she's dropped him off

extra early today and is taking
matters into her own hands.

Mothers will go
to extreme lengths

to keep their little prince
on top.

The thing with this clip is,
we expect a huge show

stopping junction busting
smash up with all the trimmings.


All we get is a little nudge
and some damage

to public infrastructure.

A little like
my 20th wedding anniversary.

Look you weren't there,

and you don't know
the full facts, so leave it.

Back to that pleasant little
junction again,

and if you think
this maternal rivalry stops

when term time does,
you'd be wrong.

This time,
they are fighting it out

to be the first
to football trials.

After all, first there spends
more time with Coach Phillips.


Coming up later on Car Crash TV.

- It'll be snow laughing matter.
- [crashes]

For those motorists who end up
at the scene of the crime.


And written ourselves
into a corner here, haven't we?

We'll play hit or miss.
Stop trying to be clever.

But, before that gaggle
of goodies,

it's time for a little game
I like to call...

...Pin the Tail on the Wesley.

Sorry, just a little joke there
at my assistant's expense,

it is actually
What Happens Next?

Welcome back, crash addicts.

Before the break,
I asked you to predict

if my assistant can predict...
what happens next?

Wesley, I'll give you a clue.
This clip is in Australia.


A man picked up
an escaped possum

and gave it to the driver
of a neighboring car, of course.

God, Wesley.

You really are a useless hunk
of nothing, aren't you?

Snow indeed may be falling
all around us,

but nobody is having fun here.

This is CCTV, and it only means
yet more chaos

for our incompetent drivers
to try and navigate.

When the white stuff covers
the road,

it's snow laughing matter.

Did work experience write that?

Now, I'm not one to revel
in the, ahem, misfortune

of others, I merely point out
the idiocy.

But, upon finding out
this van's cargo

was the first pressing
of the next Coldplay album

on its way to the stores.

I couldn't help but let's say...

A picture postcard setting

for a picture postcard smash up now.

Ah, beautiful.

The bumper in the road
really finishes it off.

Oh, the weather outside
is frightful.

And this car's reversing is...

...equally frightful, good lord.

Have you no eyes, man?

You know what, I'm going to cut
this crasher some slack.

[tires squeals]

Yes, it's bad driving,
but apparently it's cold enough

to freeze people solid, so I can
understand him being distracted.

When you were a nipper
in school,

it was said that if someone
was a bit heavy handed

or picked on you,
it was because they were hiding

their true feelings
of affection.

I'm not sure slamming
into their bonnet

has the same effect,
just ask her on a date.

If you're a dreamer like me,
you might agree

that the precipitation
on this windscreen

looks like
a beautiful starry night.

And if you're a dreamer like me,
you're also no doubt imagining

all of the beautifully painful
torture techniques

that could be used on the driver
of that yellow monstrosity.

Hashtag dare to dream.

When Chris Rea was recording
his classic Christmas anthem,

there were a couple of verses
left out

from that legendary
recording session

that never made the final cut, like...

...driving home for Christmas...


...I forgot all the presents.

Oh, Chris... confession time,

pinky purple is one
of those colors

that just brings out
my inner urges.

Oh, what I'd give to leave
the studio right now and...


Yes. Exactly.

It seems Chris Martin
of Coldplay

is a fan of this show
and hasn't been best pleased

about me berating his band...

So much so, that Chris
and the lads followed me home

from the studio
in their tour bus

and unleashed
this ghastly attack.


Shortly after the video cut out,
they covered my car

in bright paint and shoved
a glow stick up my...

How does crossing
some mildly violent car crashes

with some light-hearted
family fun sound?

Ideal, right?

Please stop making me sound
like a maniac.

Anyway, on with the show.

Yes, it's time for Hit Or Miss.

Our contestants are off.

Some pretty tough conditions
out there on the streets,

so eyes on the road.

Now we're down to business.

Which way is this gonna go?

Is our lime green friend going
to bring that hideous car

to a deservingly hideous end?

Is our foe in the Audi heading
straight for the wall?

Or is it going to be one big,
delicious miss?

Oh, and against the odds
we have our first miss.

It seems the green monstrosity
lives to drive another day.

Round two.

Dawn, and boy, do I love
the smell of crushed metal

in the morning.

Okay, we got our van here,

up against a considerably
smaller foe.

Are we getting a miss?

Is someone ending up off-road?

Or [bleep] is gonna hit the fan
for the man in the white van?

It's all to play for,
so let's take a look.


Oh, and by the skin
of the teeth, we have a hit,

and balance has been restored
to the universe.

It seems this ghastly weather
is here to stay.

Which might provide a clue
as to how this next one

is going to pan out.

But I don't want to spoil
the surprise for you viewers,

I know some of our lonelier ones
live for this nonsense

and I weep for them,
I really do.

So, let's not keep them
in suspense any longer,

what's it going to be?


Yes, that will make at least
50% of them content.

A wonderful hit.

Extra points for mounting
the curb.

Okay, now onto our final clip

for everyone playing along
at home.

So how is this last crash
going to play out,

are we heading for even stevens?

Is our car on the left

about to make good friends
with the barrier?

Or are they both about to get


Ah. A miss.

So, its 50/50 today,
which should sit well

with the obsessive compulsives
that tune in.

See you next time
on Hit or Miss.

God, all this reckless driving
makes me mad.

And you too, I expect.

Well, imagine how you'd feel
if it was your car

that had just been crunched.

Probably the same
as this gesticular bunch.


Here's a heads up to allow you

to get suitably riled up about
this clip.

Our offending party is going
to arrive from this direction.

Here he is now.

Bring on the angry victims.

"Oh, look what you've done
to Tommo's car.

"His nana bought him this."

"Yeah. She scrimped and saved,
only eating dinner

"every third day just so that
I'd be able to get around,

"and now you've gone and walked
over her grave."

"Let's duff him up."

"Wait, if we do that,
it might make him

"feel less guilty
about my nana."

"Hmm, you're right.

"Let's just glare
passive-aggressively instead."

A frequent point
of contention out on the roads

is the fight for a parking spot.

What the hell
are you pair doing?

That space is next to a Lada,
there's a reason it's vacant.

I mean, if you want to write
your car off, then be my guest,

park away.

I know it looks innocent enough,

but trust me,
those things are evil.

And for pity's sake get back
in the car, you're not safe.

We've all seen those naughty ads
in the classifieds that suggest

"meeting in a lay-by".

But I'm not sure
this is the kind of bump

any of the parties involved
had in mind.

Oh, and at least wait for
the sun to go down,

have some discretion.

[tires squeal]

The car we're on board is about
to get...

Oh, beat me to it.

Hey wait, come back.
Oh, can you believe it?

This counts as a hit and run.

And to make matters worse,
you've disabled his vehicle

right outside the house
where the family

from the Texas
Chainsaw Massacre reside.

Oh, well, what's done is done,

they're lunch
for Leatherface now.

Two tips for those
who are new to driving.

Or just rubbish at it.

Number one, zebra crossings
are for humans, not for cars.

Number two, but if there does
happen to be a car

on a zebra crossing, just use
your common sense and slow down.

Ah, so common sense is in short
supply round these parts.

And man bras, apparently, er...

This car transporter's
moonlighting as a rubbish truck.

Which is all well and good,

but Audi aren't going to be
happy when you rock up stinking

of soiled nappies
and rotten food.


But in his haste to get
to the Lorry Wash...

...that's a thing, isn't it?
Lorry Wash?

Oh, well, let's just say it is.

He's given himself another issue
to resolve.

Vorsrpung jerk clipped it,
as they say in Germany.

Climate change protesters
had a big demonstration planned

in the city of Bytom
this weekend.

But the local gas guzzling
top gear fan had other ideas


and went to some pretty
extreme lengths

to send the protestors
the wrong way.

Yeah, we know your game plan.

Here at CCTV,
sometimes it's okay to laugh

and ridicule the sheer idiocy
of some of the drivers

we have the misfortune
of sharing the road with.

But some crashes come along

that leave us shaken
to the core.

And for those clips, we've found
some money in the budget

to hire the skills
of retired private detective,

Chip Kowolski.

He'll get to the bottom
of these sinister crashes,

but it does mean
no champagne at the wrap party.

Handing you over to you, Chip.

Boy, this looks like
quite the winter pile up.

The snow sure makes it
tricky to drive,

but if you don't keep focused,

then you're gonna end up
in this ole mess.

Let's see who's to blame here.

These roads ain't good
for driving,

I can tell you that.

Oh, my, this punk thinks
he's on Nascar.

Well, you know what, son,

you're speeding all the way
to the slammer.

This is some serious smash.

It seems this town is crawling
with punks today.

Wind this tape back,

let me see who's been playing
the fool here.

This driver oughta pay attention
when behind a bus,

these fellas are unpredictable.

But this time he seems to be
following the letter of the law.

Just how's this one playing out.


Seems our driver here
had his mind elsewhere,

well he's gonna have plenty
of time to think,

as this guy is gonna be spending
some time with the sheriff.


Seems this town is crawling
with jackasses

who think they are the boss
of the road.

So how did our driver end up
in this cold mess?

Wind back this tape, I got time
for one more of these jerks.

The folks of this town
sure as hell don't know

how to navigate the roads
in these conditions.

My God.

Overtaking at such speed,
on a day like this.

That fella has a death wish.

Imma getting out of this town
while I still can.

Show that jerk the cell.
Chip over and out.

Okay, folks, that's your lot
for this week,

feel safer out there
on the roads?

Of course, you don't.

Feel better prepared to tackle
the myriad of idiotic drivers

that litter the highways
and byways?

Not likely.

But have you been entertained?
A resounding yes, of course.