Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 13 - Episode #5.13 - full transcript

We start the show by getting in the ring to go 12 rounds with Bike Tyson, before playing everyone's favorite car crash related guessing game Hit Or Miss.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] Every day,
more and more people

are filming their journeys.

[tires screeching]

Which can often end in disaster!

With the thousands of dash cams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find a
multitude of jaw-dropping clips.

From the bizarre.
To the ridiculous.

The funny.
To the downright dangerous.


Those wonderful little cameras
have captured just about every

mishap you can think of.

Now, we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

Afterall, there's nothing
like seeing the antics

of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show, no one and that means

no one is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV.

The Lights!

The Camera!


The Action!


Yes, that's right folks,
the Producer in his infinite

wisdom has asked me to put some
grandeur into the opening menu

in order to lend some gravitas
to the show.

But let's be honest,
you're gonna see Car Crashes,

lots of them, along with our
usual smattering of regular

top items, and that's ultimately
why you tune in,

so let's not try and pretend
to be something we're not.

The producer can live
in denial if he wants

but let's say it loud
and say it proud.

We love Car Crash TV,
so on with the show!

Now, nothing is off limits
here at CCTV,

yes like a Tory government
we're happy to carve up the lot

and serve it on a platter
to the highest bidder.

Yeah, satire! Deal with it!

It's only right that every
now and then we shift the focus

from four wheels to two!

But ask yourself
this dear viewer,

does half the wheels
mean half the accidents?


No, no it does not.

These two bikers are just going
about their daily business,

to an idiotic extent
as I will now explain.

Okay, so point one here,
travelling at speed

when needing to suddenly
stop you don't use your foot.

Bringing me onto point two,
no helmets!

Serious hat, sorry helmet on,
always where one,

a helmet that is.

All those driver awareness
adverts tell you to Think, Bike!

No seriously think about them
all the time.

They have an uncanny ability
to appear out of nowhere.

At least this one was sensible
enough to wear protection.

The food delivery business
is a competitive game.

Some drivers opt
for four wheels, some for two.

It's a cut-throat industry in
the race to pick up the food.

Oh, and that sneaky underhanded
maneuver has given the delivery

driver in the Audi
the upper hand.

It's goodbye Mr Chips.

I have often pondered
what sort of person it takes

to actually want to ride
one of these death traps.

Ah, yes, this sort of person.
Explains a lot.

And yes, in an attempt to rid
the road of these menaces

some drivers
are going to extreme lengths.

Curses, the one that got away!

You know what this show needs,
said I, a light-hearted play

along game show feature that all
the family can get involved in.

Don't be ridiculous,

said the producer,
that will never fly.

Well, we're onto series 5
and that producer now makes

those TV programmes that you see
in the back of taxis,

so read into that what you will.

But in case any further evidence
of my genius is required,

let's play Hit or Miss!

Hit and Miss at night,
Car Crash TV presenters delight.

Or is it?

I shall only be satisfied
if this ends in a hit.

So, will we strike this car?
Hit that car?

Hit that car?
Or bow down to the wonder

that is the anti-lock
braking system and miss.

Yes, a hit, just!
Take that ABS, I win, you lose!

Moving on, and this is
promising, three whole lanes,

all of them occupied,
the chance of some

metal on metal action is high.

We can but hope.

So, is the car we're travelling
in going to hit

Mr Merger on the left,

Mr White on the right,
or miss completely?

I can barely contain
my excitement.

Let's put you
out of your misery.

And compound mine, a near miss,
how disappointing.

Okay, let's see if we can go out
with a bang

with our first ever hit and miss
involving a tram cam.

Mmm, interesting,
well the tram definitely

can't swerve so this is a simple
case of how good its brakes are.

What say you viewers,
hit or miss?


Praise be, his brakes are
[bleep] shit so it's a hit.

Now that's what I call
a happy finish.

Join us again next time
for more hit or miss!

If you've been here with us
since the beginning,

you'll know we're not making
disposable television

here at Car Crash TV.
This is filmography.

This is art.

As artistes, sometimes you need
more than a dash cam.

What we in the biz call
a 'wide shot',

or if we're feeling really
ostentatious, a 'mega wide'.

And how can we achieve that?
With CCTV footage of course!

I can smell the BAFTA right now.

What do you mean
they don't have a scent?

And look at that for a beautiful
opening shot.

Moody red lighting,
an illuminated vanishing point.

All about to be ruined. By this.
Some people have no refinement.

Film news now,
and the new James Bond picture

has been delayed.

Unfortunately, the 'Aston bursts
through a gate' shot

did not go as the stunt
coordinators had hoped.

It was No Time To Drive.

That looks like a van
with a plan.

But the best laid plans of mice
and men get crunched

on a zebra crossing.

Film and literature,
talk about high culture.

[tires squeal] Fly tipping 101.


Fly your car into some
poor soul's front verge.

Tip it right over.

And, in true fly
tipping fashion,

illegally leave your waste
on land which doesn't have

a licence to accept it.

Buzz off.

There once was a man
called Rick.

Who crashed too early
to be in a limerick.

Coming up later on Car Crash TV.

We indulge in a spot
of Argy Bargy.

Do some sleuthing
at the scene of the crime.

And there's something
called 100% Junk-tion.

Who the hell is writing
this nonsense?

That all looks wonderful,
doesn't it?

What about one
to keep you thinking,

because we're good like that.

Seems like we have something
pretty sizable approaching.

Ah, the trucker,
feared by bakeries

and service station toilets
the world over.

Just what could
ever happen next?

Welcome back,
now before the break

we left you pondering
over this grubby driver.

Yes, the trucker.


And it seems Satan
has opened up the ground

to call back his chosen ones!

We've always said they did
the devils work on the road!

The battle for supremacy
on the roads

is an ongoing conflict.

And it's a conflict that can
sometimes end

in motorists brushing bumpers.

No one likes to have their
bumper brushed

if they have not consented.

[tires squeals]
I learnt that the hard way,

but after 100 hours
of community service

and attending those compulsory
seminars about personal space,

welcome back
into the civilised world.

Although it's not that
civilised it seems.

Regular viewers to this show
will know that I've a particular

dislike for cyclists, this clip
perfectly encapsulates why.

Serves you right,
too busy looking at the lady

rather than
where you were going.

See, she's walking away,
she's not impressed.

After you went to all that
trouble to take your shirt off

so she could admire
your hot bod.

Look at him now,
feigning injury to try

and curry favour from the guy
whose car he drove into.

It's a good job
he's not wearing lycra,

otherwise I'd have personally
hunted him down and berated him.

I know what you're thinking,
what's this guy waiting for?

For the filter light to turn
green, of course.

But it seems you dear viewers
aren't the only ones

who suffer from a lack
of patience.

Definitely know what you're
thinking now.

Is he sporting a handbag?

I'm all for people practicing
and demonstrating their talents.

But the road is the last place
you want to be brushing up

your skills for your audition
for the Nutcracker!

Utter maniac.

You know, if I've said it once
I've said it a hundred times,

if you build a road wide enough
for two cars,

have the common decency
to clearly mark two lanes.

Paint isn't that expensive.
Or labour!

This Hells Angels group
were recently set upon

rather violently
by a runaway horse.

The spokesman for the bikers
said it was a 'chapter'

they would like to forget.

Shocking, who's signed that off.

The grim reaper has
had to sport a new outfit

since spending cutbacks
in the department.

He now dons a slim fitting all
black outfit with a flat cap...

...sadly the scythe had to be
melted down for scrap.

It's tough out there these days,
even for ghouls!

These drivers got away
with it too,

he's not even hitting his quota!

Joni Mitchell once bemoaned
that we ruined paradise

by chucking up some
parking lots.

Yeah, I know it's not the exact
lyrics but if I quote them

verbatim we get slapped
with a nice big bill.

Want that do you?
Didn't think so.

Anyway Joni, I'm sad to inform
you that it's tough,

the parking lots we have
are already at capacity

which means
we get incidents like this

as people desperately
look for a space.

So paradise lost I'm afraid.

Okay, I know what you're going
to think about this one.

That poor cyclist, right?

Wrong. Wind it back.

Yeah, you'll notice that
the cyclist is in fact

on the wrong side of the road.

Deserved everything he got.
And he's wearing lycra.

Wesley, fetch my coat
the hunt is on!

Little call back
to the first clip there,

in case you were confused,
god, I'm good!

Want to see someone
who is literally hopping mad?

Of course, you do. [crashes]

I mean, I don't know
what he's so mad about.

The lights still on red now,
he's the one in the wrong.

I guess he's just mad
at himself. And the world.

And the fact he's been filmed
wearing a handbag.

What is it with
blokes and handbags

in this part of the world!

Now then my dear viewers
of Car Crash TV,

this show provides that sweet
cathartic release from everyday

stresses, but how would you feel
if we went a step further

and provided a public service,
overjoyed I hear you cry?

Well that's just
what we're doing.

We've enlisted
the services of retired

Glasgow Metropolitan
Police Officer Jock McSwingan

to review some footage
of the menaces of the road

and administer some justice!

It's Behind Bars!
Show 'em the slammer Jock!

Evening lads and lassies,
Jock here.

Right, what are we dealing with.

I see you like making a mess
of the road eh pal,

Well, there's a few guys who
would like to make a mess

of you when you're, Behind Bars.

So here comes speedy McGee.

Pulling a fast one like that pal
you deserve the lot,

and you're gonna have plenty
of time to think about it.

Behind Bars.

Got ourselves a tough guy.

Let's see how tough
you are in the showers

with Big Pete when you're
Behind Bars.

The night time brings them all
out let me tell you that.


We've got a bit of a queue
jumper here, eh.

Well, you're a braver man than
me if you try that

when you're Behind Bars.

Looks like this driver
hasn't got any patience.

[tires squeal]

Well, you better find some
fast as you're going away

for a while matey! Behind Bars.

Like to throw a few hits out
here and there, eh, pal.

Good luck trying that one with
your cell mate Crazy Ivan.

Because you're going
Behind Bars.

The open road, eh.

Well, pulling a maneuver
like that,

the only open space you'll
be seeing pal is for 40 minutes

a day as you're going,
Behind Bars.

You can't be too
careful at night.

Well bless my Irn Bru.

This brute's only going
one place, Behind Bars.

I suppose you think
tricks like that are funny.

You won't find sleeping
with one eye open funny

I'll tell you that.
You're going, Behind Bars.

If there's road feature that's
responsible for more crashes

than any other,

it would be the ultimate
intimidator that is, a junction.

Give a driver too many
road options,

and it's enough
to make them crumble.

So in the spirit
of meanspiritidness,

let's watch some junction users crumble.

Oh, wow.

As if the junction wasn't
a scary enough concept,

this one is being used at night.

A period in the day when,
famously, anything can happen.

And would you believe it,
two cars collided. Chilling.

How can our drivers
possibly be expected

to hold it together at night?

The answer, of course,
is that they can't.

But when light levels
are more forgiving,

junction complexity can be what
boggles our poor drivers' minds.

6 roads is enough to make anyone
stop for a second.

It's where you stop
that is the most crucial.

Two more things you can add
to a junction

to increase your chance of
an incident are zebra crossings

and crossing zebras.

Stay tuned, I might treat you
to a clip of a crossing zebra

before the end of this segment.

Or, I'm lying to you for
the sake of our viewing figures.

You decide.

What a confusing combination
of sky this is.

Both halves cannot be anything
other than sky,

but they look so different.

How can they both be
made of the same sky?

And what is this dividing line?

It's doing a better job
than this dividing line,

that's for sure.

Here at CCTV we enjoy relishing
in the misfortune of some

of the idiots we share
the road with,

heck we'd be
out of a job otherwise!

But some crashes come along that
leave us shaken to the core,

with no room for laughter.

Well, not tastefully anyway.

So to get to the bottom
of these sinister acts

we've stretched the budget
to fly over

retired private detective
Chip Kowalski.

Handing over to you Chip.

Evening folks, Chip here.

I believe some of the people
in this town are falling foul

of the law, and you can be sure
imma gonna put that right!

We've got quite the smash here.

Let's see who's going to be
getting to know the sheriff.

these busy roads are the kinda
place punks like to run amok,

you gotta keep an extra eye out.

You can bet on it that one
of them is out to ruin your day.

Would you look at that.

Boy I haven't seen such reckless
driving in some time.

This driver is heading straight
for the slammer.

Now just how did these two
end up stuck together like that.

Seems to me some foul play
is at work here.

I'm gonna wind this one back
and take a look.

Okay folks, seems to me
like these two drivers

are fooling around
a little too much for my liking.

The road ain't no playground.

Seems like these fellas weren't
paying attention to the rules,

but I ain't no
playful mood today.

Show both these punks the cell.
Rumpus time is over.

Well bless my sheriffs' badge,
this here is quite the smash.

I sure hope these folks
are alright.

I'm sure as hell gonna find out
who's responsible.

Pretty steady approach
if you ask me.

Something ain't
quite right here.

Well smite me down, this here
is some reckless driving.

Smashing into people
from behind like that.

[crashes] That's one fast track
way to a cell. Case closed.

Now just how did these folks
end up in this mess.

Looks like someone has been
acting the fool on these roads,

and this here town
is full of them.

Let's take a look.

Looks like some erratic driving
on these roads.


Good lord!

Okay, lock these punks up
while we can

and get me the first ticket out
of this town!

I've seen more than enough.

[crashes] Chip over,
and getting the hell out!

That's it!

We have no more,
at least not for this episode,

but worry not good people,
we'll be back very soon

with more Car Crash carnage
for you to enjoy.

Were this the bible
I'd be reading to you

from Revelation 22,
but it's not!