Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Episode #2.18 - full transcript

The cars are put into park as we see what life is like On The Buses then we swap four wheels for two and see the roads from the point of view of the Cycles.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Narrator] Every day more and more

road users are filming their journeys.

(car horn)

Which can often end in disaster!


(upbeat polka music)
Pioneered by motorists in

Russia and Eastern
Europe, dashboard-mounted

cameras are constantly recording our

behavior on the roads.
(truck horn)

(guitar music)
From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous,

(dog barking)

the funny,
(geese honking)

(crashing sounds)

to the down-right dangerous.
(crashing sounds)

The thousands and thousands of

dash cams around the world have

captured just about every mishap

you can think of.
(horse whinnying)

Now we're going to delve into this

treasure-trove of stupidity on the roads!

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame!

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

And of course there's
nothing like seeing other

people's mistakes when it comes to helping

us become better drivers.

And please remember, on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one and that means no
one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely!

Not everyone is this lucky.

(screeching and glass shattering)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV!

Despicable, and deplorable
driving from Eastern Europe

that, had it happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the following

contraventions of the highway code.

(screeching tires and thudding)

Article 5-9: "Cyclists, you should wear

"light colored or fluorescent clothing

"which helps other road-users see you."

Article 9-1: "Driving when tired greatly

"increases your risk of collision."

Article 9-7: "You should ensure that

"you know where all the controls are,

"and how to use them
before you need them."

And chapter three of

"Rambling On: My Guide to Country Walks":

"Always stick to the footpath."

(revving and tires squealing)

(upbeat music)
The Great Wall of China,

the Pyramids, gun control reforms;

history is full of immensely
difficult undertakings

that would befuddle and stump

even the greatest of minds
this world has to offer.

And yet, we get them done. Right then!

Now some of the simplest,
seemingly the most difficult,

mirror signal maneuver.

Maybe its the multitask element

that catches so many drivers off-guard.

Or maybe they're just over undertaking.

(goofy piano tune)

Distances are hard to judge at high speed.

If object A is traveling at 80 M-P-H

from 300 meters away, and object B

is traveling at 50 M-P-H towards

object A, then object A and B

should get out of the bloody way sharpish!

Simple mathematics my
friends, simple mathematics.

Red is normally the color
associated with warning signs.

Huge is normally the size associated

with impassable objects.

(tire screeching)

So, if it's red and huge,

it's probably best not
to try to take it on.

You'll just be left to dust
yourself off, literally!

There's a reason why using your indicator

in advance of a turn is a good idea.

Mostly to let people overtaking

at high speeds know that they

might be about to conduct an impromptu

physics experiment
about speed versus mass.


(upbeat polka)
Sometimes, driving at night

in the city is like playing on an Xbox.

(car horn honking and crashing)

Except a crash costs you thousands,

and you can't reload a saved game.

Here's my top tip for overtaking:

be sure to have moved completely

beyond the vehicle before you

pull back into the original lane.

Great safety feature, having

another road beside the road you're

actually driving on, in case

anyone can't quite stay in lane.

(guitar riff)
Some people still have

a real aversion to low-cost supermarkets.

Come on! They even have a
premium wine section now!

A lot of the techno rave crew

from the early 90s never got used

to the fact that a flashing amber light

means "A car is about to turn",

as opposed to "The beat is about to drop."

Come on, lads. Your
raving days are over now.

You're driving a Mercedes.

Some battles are just not worth fighting.

Sure, you've stood your ground and

refused to let him cut you up.

But you've also stood your ground

and he's now cut your no-claims bonus up.

(tires squealing and crashing)

(upbeat jazz)
A lot of things in life

are hit or miss; baking bread,

the weather, my marriage.

The bread might not rise, the sun

might not shine, your wife might cheat

on you with her yoga instructor, Pablo.

And by "might", I mean "will".

But every potential car crash has a moment

where it could go either way.

On Car Crash TV, we like nothing

more than to turn the laws of

probability into a fun game.

So polish your crystal ball,

and get ready to predict as we

play: Hit or Miss!
(bells and alarms)

Well this all looks rather serene,

we are playing Hit or Miss aren't we?

Where's the junction box jerk?

The speeding idiot?

Oh, here's one. Safely through.

And here's another!

Pretty nippy for a Lada.

But will this speeding moron hit

the law-abiding citizen?

This poor pedestrian?

This innocent street sign?

Or will he miss all three and

continue to break the speed limit?


It's a Hit!

You're a berk, but you do get

double points for secondary damage

to the black car!

Every cloud...

Now this lorry driver appears to

have fallen asleep at the wheel.

Presumably he's been listening

to a friend talk about how they've

turned vegan, and it's
completely changed their life.

But is this vegetable-induced snooze

going to see him hit this car?

His fellow trucker?

This poor defenseless lamppost?

Or will he miss them all?

Hold tight!

(truck horn blaring)

And the lamppost gets it!

And the other one too!

That wasn't even on offer,
you greedy so-and-so.

Right, look here: a cracked windscreen.

So this chump has previous when it

comes to hitting things.

Or is he just bluffing?

Either way, he's found himself

in a Hit or Miss situation.

So will he hit the black Jeep?

This elderly couple?

Will someone learn the alphabet properly?

Or will he miss completely? Play on!

And the black Jeep gets it!

All together now: A-B-C-D-E-F-G!

Swerving isn't a good idea at

the best of times.

But it's a trouser-browningly

worse idea when there's a bus

heading right for you.

So will he hit the Jeep?

The bus?

The digger?

Or will he manage to squeeze through

that tiny gap and miss completely?

Play on!

Miss! No, wait hit! Double-Bubble!

Well I never, join us next time

for more car crash conundrums!

This has been: Hit or Miss!


(upbeat horn music)

You wait around all day for one,

and then two come at once.

Although in our next set of clips

they often come at once directly

into the front of one another.

It's pretty hard being a bus driver.

You need to juggle all those different

jobs at once: giving teenagers

grumpy looks as they board, timing the

closing of the doors as a student

runs to get on, so they slam in

her face at just the right point.

Cutting up all other road-users

without ever once checking your mirrors.

Oh, and being aware of other cars.

Poor them. Let's not all
cry at once, shall we?

As we get On the Buses!

Bus drivers need love just like

everyone else, you know.

They don't watch boy-meets-girl
rom-coms, though.

They prefer bus-meets-bus love stories.

Ah, how romantic.

(multiple car horns)
What's big and yellow,

and coming for you?

(car horns)

This driver, to bust you up!

Here's some full-on coaching in

the art of junction etiquette.

Something tells me it was definitely

the bus's right of way.

If you try to take on a bus in a game

of chicken, you will end up with

a very thorough car-remodeling.

"Oh I love what you've done with the back!

"Made it much more snappy!"

"But that side looks a bit wobbly."

(banjo tune)
People think that cities

are the breeding ground for bad driving,

and that you're more likely to bosh

a bumper or wreck a wing mirror

in the urban jungle than
you are in the countryside.

I'm here to put an end to that lie.

Oh no, mark my words, those rural

landscapes are full of pitfalls and

prats behind the wheel.

Think about it, the cider is stronger,

the views are more distracting,

and the roads are literally a wind-up.

So buckle up, me friends, as we

head Out in the Sticks!

(country tune)
Welcome to the Wild West,

dryland stretched out as
far as the eye can see.

A lawless place, where
only the baddest survive.

Unknown dangers lie beneath every rock,

and evidently plenty
of cowboys own a motor.

And yeehaw! Here comes one now!

He's wanted all right, wanted for

crimes against the highway code.

Just call him "Billy the Twit"!

(techno beat)
The good thing about

country roads is that they're

less built up, so it actually makes it

infinitely easier to see other road-users

coming from a long way off.

That is, unless you don't actually

look ahead at the road at all.

(glass shattering, metal clang)

"Oh! Nice logs there."

"I might pop a few in me
pickup, and do a hog roast!"

Nothing beats getting
off of the beaten track

and taking to the dirt tracks for

a little off-road action.

By "off-road action" I mean of course

that directly after this collision,

his car was taken off the road.

(country tune)

The thing about four by fours is

they don't really belong on the roads.

And every now and then,
they remember this,

so wrestle control from the driver

and head for the nearest wooded area.

The thing about blind corners

is that it's not normally a great

idea to drive in the wrong lane

while you're going around one.

Funny that, isn't it?

Hold on, is that my car? Is that my wife?

Is that her yoga instructor? Karen!

(cheerful flute tune)
The countryside is where

animals go to hibernate.

Badgers, bears, articulated lorries.

There's one now, picking a nice

spot by the side of the road inside

that bush to nestle in and shut off

its engine for a few months.

Or at least a few hours until a

tow truck big enough can come collect it.

Nature, eh? Isn't it just beautiful?

(electric country beat)
When you're out in the sticks,

it's tempting to have a little stop

to admire the beautiful surroundings

and take it all in.

Just don't do it when you've just

overtaken a huge lorry at high speed

and it's still right behind you!

(orchestral music)
The thing about little

rural villages, is that everything

runs at a slower pace.

The working day is slower,

the bubbling streams move slower,

the sun seems to set slower.

The Sunday roasts are eaten slower,

and quite often, the people driving cars

have brains that run slower too.

Or not at all.

I often find myself on a long,

straight country road dozing off

in the warm summer sun to the
sound of nesting birdsong.

And nothing can break me
out of that relaxed state.

Well, almost nothing.

Pretty sure that would've woken me up too.

Still to come on Car Crash TV:

we'll remind you one more time

why it's vital to stay in your lane.

And 50 Ps at the ready!

As we head down to the
arcade to play Car Pinball!

But first, you know the drill people:

What Happens Next?

It could be a big exit.

Welcome back to Car Crash TV!

So did you guess what happened next?

Well I'm sorry to say we are prying

on a domestic between a
man and his Vauxhall Corsa.

Yes, he's left the toilet seat up

one too many times, and
she's frankly had enough.

Yes, she's leaving him.

"Baby come back! Just
give me one more chance!"

"I can change!"

Too little, too late,
Kevin. Too little, too late.

(soft flute music)
When I was a nipper,

I loved nothing more than going for

long bike rides with my
mates through the woods

and across dirt tracks until teatime.

Ah, the memories of a more innocent time.

Because now, there's
nothing innocent about

taking to two wheels.

It's a perilous path where the dirt tracks

are replaced by dirtier drivers,

and the woods have been replaced by

"would you believe it?" vehicular lunacy.

I don't envy these big kids' bike rides.

And don't worry, every cyclist in this

set of clips comes out fine.

(guitar riff)
Learning how to ride a bike

always seems more difficult
than it really is.

It's all down to balance.

Unfortunately, there's a lot of

different bits to balance,

and that relies on using
the handlebars to turn...

Oh poor kid.

Well at least this woman will help him up.

Oh. Well I suppose tough love

might be the only way for him to learn.

Behold, Russia's answer to Evel Knievel!

(rewind noise)
I know it's only 12 inches,

but we all have to start somewhere.

Keep on practicing, kid!

And do your helmet up properly next time.

It's a terrible thing,
performance anxiety.

No matter how much you practice,

even on the run-up when it comes

to getting it right on the night,

that anxiety grips like a vice.

These days, if you want
to survive on two wheels,

it helps to be a highly trained ninja too.

Look at that form!

He's clearly a master of the martial arts.

And he's mastered some
pretty radical dance moves!

Yes, I'd be cross too.

Red light, my friend. Red light!

I'll agree that the Tour de France

needed a bit of a shakeup
to add some more excitement,

but I'm not sure that allowing cars

along the route was the best idea.

I mean, it slows things up a bit.

And don't get me started on the

forward roll the riders do when they

have to hit the brakes too hard.

(rewind noise)
Let's look at that again.

As a boy, I often wondered what it

would be like if you really did

put the brakes on at full speed.

And there's your answer.

I love this job, and I love pinball!

So all series I've been mashing the two

together with the ridiculous notion

that car crashes are a bit like

a game down the arcade, and you

at home absolutely love it!

Or at least we think you do.

If only someone would
write in and tell us.

So flex your flippers
and buff your bumpers,

because I'm about to pull this

plunger and play some Pinball!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, can you
clean that screen? Thanks.

That's literally made no difference.

Anyway, let's pull that plunger.

There's three bumper
bonuses straight away!

I haven't even got the chance to

fire the flippers yet, and we've

already got 30 thousand points!

Oh, hello there. We've
switched to night mode.

That means all points
scored are worth double.

Wow, cool graphics. I have
no idea what they mean.

Maybe that graph is
monitoring my heart rate.

I bet they set you back a few rubles.

Anyway, here we go.
(car horn)

There's a couple of bumpers,
a couple of targets,

at least one spinner.

It's not bad at all, 50 thousand points!

Okay, halftime means shunt time.

We've got one, two, three,

and four!

Which makes a quickfire
40 thousand points!

I'll let you into a little secret now,

if you can do two shunts back
to back, that's a super-shunt,

and you earn an extra 10 thousand points.

But it's very rare, not
many people can do it.

But I'm one of them!

Who's the big winner?

Well we all are! 40 thousand points!

Okay I'm running out of time,

and what's the best way to wrack up

a glut of points quickly? Truck bonus!

And the board goes wild!

We've only gone and
cleaned up the whole table!

60 thousand, and a new high
score! That's Game Over, folks!

My dad always said "Live
life in the fast lane."

Right up until he was arrested for

building a bivouac on the M6.

But whether or not you think 17 years

in a prison was a touch harsh, life is

all about changing lanes.

We start out on one path, but
inevitably end up on another.

Ooh. Nice bananas.

Unlike in life, on the roads we choose

which lane we want to be in,

and we're remarkably bad at it.

So forget everything you know about

mirror signal maneuver, and get ready

for some inner dismal palaver,

because this next hot mess is what happens

when you don't Stay in Your Lane!

So here we are, on
board the Spider-mobile.

Yes, even Spider-Man has
to do a big shop sometimes.

You don't get that buff by just

eating flies, I can tell you.

Looks like we've got company!
Stay in your lane, punk!

No? Fine! Fire web!

Yes, we got him. That's
another perp off the streets.

All part of the service.

10 thousand? Don't know what
it is, but I'll have five.

Anyway, here's a biker squeezing between a

four by four and a lorry, and if this is

Car Crash TV, then what could go right?


Well that's going to be a
polite exchange of views.

Now, if you look very
carefully at this clip,

you'll see on the dashboard we have

a box of painkillers, a wobbly toothbrush,

and one of those donuts people sit on

after having an operation on their bum.

So, it's safe to say this guy is already

having a pretty bad day.

And what's worse, he seems to have

hit the most psychotically calm

motorcyclist who has ever lived.

Look at him, he's not even slightly angry,

and that's the worrying thing.

I've got a horrible feeling I know exactly

where that toothbrush is going,

and all I can say is, it's
very lucky that it's bendy.

"Bopota" which I think translates
into "steam-powered bus".

They are such a liability on the roads,

that an ambulance has to
follow them everywhere.

Anyway, back to the action.

Watch out for the white car on the left.

Ah, gotcha! It was the guy in the red car.

Now take away his license,
and make him get a "bopota".

In this part of the world, some people

are so rich they pile up
gold in their gardens.

Which can be a bit distracting.

Keep your eyes on the road, fella.

200 billion isn't that much.

There's nothing like driving on

country roads at 80 miles per hour,

until some lunatic battles
past you at 120 miles per hour.

What a "Jirikov".

He'll get his comeuppance though.

Ooh, is that Snow White's house?

For some people, just
one lane isn't enough.

They want to be in all of them at once.

But it doesn't really work like that,

and his car won't work like that, either.

This town has had an
enormous tyrannous sunset

painting installed just
beyond the city limits

to keep everyone creative and inspired.

For some art enthusiasts though,
the effect is overwhelming.

Ooh, 14-44-14, that's neat.

And finally, I don't want to alarm you,

but there's a water-based death lizard

lurking on this guy's windscreen.

That's right, accelerate
and try to shake it off.

Wow! Not even a crash will shift it!

Tenacious little blighter!

(upbeat polka music)