Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 18 - Episode #2.18 - full transcript
The cars are put into park as we see what life is like On The Buses then we swap four wheels for two and see the roads from the point of view of the Cycles.
[Narrator] Every day more and more
road users are filming their journeys.
(car horn)
Which can often end in disaster!
(explosion)
(upbeat polka music)
Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern
Europe, dashboard-mounted
cameras are constantly recording our
behavior on the roads.
(truck horn)
(guitar music)
From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous,
(dog barking)
the funny,
(geese honking)
(crashing sounds)
to the down-right dangerous.
(crashing sounds)
The thousands and thousands of
dash cams around the world have
captured just about every mishap
you can think of.
(horse whinnying)
Now we're going to delve into this
treasure-trove of stupidity on the roads!
Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame!
Replay the action to see
what really happened.
And of course there's
nothing like seeing other
people's mistakes when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.
And please remember, on all the clips,
yes that's all the clips we show,
no one and that means no
one is seriously hurt.
So drive safely!
Not everyone is this lucky.
(screeching and glass shattering)
Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV!
Despicable, and deplorable
driving from Eastern Europe
that, had it happened in Britain,
would have resulted in the following
contraventions of the highway code.
(screeching tires and thudding)
Article 5-9: "Cyclists, you should wear
"light colored or fluorescent clothing
"which helps other road-users see you."
Article 9-1: "Driving when tired greatly
"increases your risk of collision."
Article 9-7: "You should ensure that
"you know where all the controls are,
"and how to use them
before you need them."
And chapter three of
"Rambling On: My Guide to Country Walks":
"Always stick to the footpath."
(revving and tires squealing)
(upbeat music)
The Great Wall of China,
the Pyramids, gun control reforms;
history is full of immensely
difficult undertakings
that would befuddle and stump
even the greatest of minds
this world has to offer.
And yet, we get them done. Right then!
Now some of the simplest,
seemingly the most difficult,
mirror signal maneuver.
Maybe its the multitask element
that catches so many drivers off-guard.
Or maybe they're just over undertaking.
(goofy piano tune)
Distances are hard to judge at high speed.
If object A is traveling at 80 M-P-H
from 300 meters away, and object B
is traveling at 50 M-P-H towards
object A, then object A and B
should get out of the bloody way sharpish!
Simple mathematics my
friends, simple mathematics.
Red is normally the color
associated with warning signs.
Huge is normally the size associated
with impassable objects.
(tire screeching)
So, if it's red and huge,
it's probably best not
to try to take it on.
You'll just be left to dust
yourself off, literally!
There's a reason why using your indicator
in advance of a turn is a good idea.
Mostly to let people overtaking
at high speeds know that they
might be about to conduct an impromptu
physics experiment
about speed versus mass.
Fascinating!
(upbeat polka)
Sometimes, driving at night
in the city is like playing on an Xbox.
(car horn honking and crashing)
Except a crash costs you thousands,
and you can't reload a saved game.
Here's my top tip for overtaking:
be sure to have moved completely
beyond the vehicle before you
pull back into the original lane.
Great safety feature, having
another road beside the road you're
actually driving on, in case
anyone can't quite stay in lane.
(guitar riff)
Some people still have
a real aversion to low-cost supermarkets.
Come on! They even have a
premium wine section now!
A lot of the techno rave crew
from the early 90s never got used
to the fact that a flashing amber light
means "A car is about to turn",
as opposed to "The beat is about to drop."
Come on, lads. Your
raving days are over now.
You're driving a Mercedes.
Some battles are just not worth fighting.
Sure, you've stood your ground and
refused to let him cut you up.
But you've also stood your ground
and he's now cut your no-claims bonus up.
(tires squealing and crashing)
(upbeat jazz)
A lot of things in life
are hit or miss; baking bread,
the weather, my marriage.
The bread might not rise, the sun
might not shine, your wife might cheat
on you with her yoga instructor, Pablo.
And by "might", I mean "will".
But every potential car crash has a moment
where it could go either way.
On Car Crash TV, we like nothing
more than to turn the laws of
probability into a fun game.
So polish your crystal ball,
and get ready to predict as we
play: Hit or Miss!
(bells and alarms)
Well this all looks rather serene,
we are playing Hit or Miss aren't we?
Where's the junction box jerk?
The speeding idiot?
Oh, here's one. Safely through.
And here's another!
Pretty nippy for a Lada.
But will this speeding moron hit
the law-abiding citizen?
This poor pedestrian?
This innocent street sign?
Or will he miss all three and
continue to break the speed limit?
(crash)
It's a Hit!
You're a berk, but you do get
double points for secondary damage
to the black car!
Every cloud...
Now this lorry driver appears to
have fallen asleep at the wheel.
Presumably he's been listening
to a friend talk about how they've
turned vegan, and it's
completely changed their life.
But is this vegetable-induced snooze
going to see him hit this car?
His fellow trucker?
This poor defenseless lamppost?
Or will he miss them all?
Hold tight!
(truck horn blaring)
And the lamppost gets it!
And the other one too!
That wasn't even on offer,
you greedy so-and-so.
Right, look here: a cracked windscreen.
So this chump has previous when it
comes to hitting things.
Or is he just bluffing?
Either way, he's found himself
in a Hit or Miss situation.
So will he hit the black Jeep?
This elderly couple?
Will someone learn the alphabet properly?
Or will he miss completely? Play on!
And the black Jeep gets it!
All together now: A-B-C-D-E-F-G!
Swerving isn't a good idea at
the best of times.
But it's a trouser-browningly
worse idea when there's a bus
heading right for you.
So will he hit the Jeep?
The bus?
The digger?
Or will he manage to squeeze through
that tiny gap and miss completely?
Play on!
Miss! No, wait hit! Double-Bubble!
Well I never, join us next time
for more car crash conundrums!
This has been: Hit or Miss!
(crashing)
(upbeat horn music)
Buses.
You wait around all day for one,
and then two come at once.
Although in our next set of clips
they often come at once directly
into the front of one another.
It's pretty hard being a bus driver.
You need to juggle all those different
jobs at once: giving teenagers
grumpy looks as they board, timing the
closing of the doors as a student
runs to get on, so they slam in
her face at just the right point.
Cutting up all other road-users
without ever once checking your mirrors.
Oh, and being aware of other cars.
Poor them. Let's not all
cry at once, shall we?
As we get On the Buses!
Bus drivers need love just like
everyone else, you know.
They don't watch boy-meets-girl
rom-coms, though.
They prefer bus-meets-bus love stories.
Ah, how romantic.
(multiple car horns)
What's big and yellow,
and coming for you?
(car horns)
This driver, to bust you up!
Here's some full-on coaching in
the art of junction etiquette.
Something tells me it was definitely
the bus's right of way.
If you try to take on a bus in a game
of chicken, you will end up with
a very thorough car-remodeling.
"Oh I love what you've done with the back!
"Made it much more snappy!"
"But that side looks a bit wobbly."
(banjo tune)
People think that cities
are the breeding ground for bad driving,
and that you're more likely to bosh
a bumper or wreck a wing mirror
in the urban jungle than
you are in the countryside.
I'm here to put an end to that lie.
Oh no, mark my words, those rural
landscapes are full of pitfalls and
prats behind the wheel.
Think about it, the cider is stronger,
the views are more distracting,
and the roads are literally a wind-up.
So buckle up, me friends, as we
head Out in the Sticks!
(country tune)
Welcome to the Wild West,
dryland stretched out as
far as the eye can see.
A lawless place, where
only the baddest survive.
Unknown dangers lie beneath every rock,
and evidently plenty
of cowboys own a motor.
And yeehaw! Here comes one now!
He's wanted all right, wanted for
crimes against the highway code.
Just call him "Billy the Twit"!
(techno beat)
The good thing about
country roads is that they're
less built up, so it actually makes it
infinitely easier to see other road-users
coming from a long way off.
That is, unless you don't actually
look ahead at the road at all.
(glass shattering, metal clang)
"Oh! Nice logs there."
"I might pop a few in me
pickup, and do a hog roast!"
Nothing beats getting
off of the beaten track
and taking to the dirt tracks for
a little off-road action.
By "off-road action" I mean of course
that directly after this collision,
his car was taken off the road.
(country tune)
The thing about four by fours is
they don't really belong on the roads.
And every now and then,
they remember this,
so wrestle control from the driver
and head for the nearest wooded area.
The thing about blind corners
is that it's not normally a great
idea to drive in the wrong lane
while you're going around one.
Funny that, isn't it?
Hold on, is that my car? Is that my wife?
Is that her yoga instructor? Karen!
(cheerful flute tune)
The countryside is where
animals go to hibernate.
Badgers, bears, articulated lorries.
There's one now, picking a nice
spot by the side of the road inside
that bush to nestle in and shut off
its engine for a few months.
Or at least a few hours until a
tow truck big enough can come collect it.
Nature, eh? Isn't it just beautiful?
(electric country beat)
When you're out in the sticks,
it's tempting to have a little stop
to admire the beautiful surroundings
and take it all in.
Just don't do it when you've just
overtaken a huge lorry at high speed
and it's still right behind you!
(orchestral music)
The thing about little
rural villages, is that everything
runs at a slower pace.
The working day is slower,
the bubbling streams move slower,
the sun seems to set slower.
The Sunday roasts are eaten slower,
and quite often, the people driving cars
have brains that run slower too.
Or not at all.
I often find myself on a long,
straight country road dozing off
in the warm summer sun to the
sound of nesting birdsong.
And nothing can break me
out of that relaxed state.
Well, almost nothing.
Pretty sure that would've woken me up too.
Still to come on Car Crash TV:
we'll remind you one more time
why it's vital to stay in your lane.
And 50 Ps at the ready!
As we head down to the
arcade to play Car Pinball!
But first, you know the drill people:
What Happens Next?
It could be a big exit.
Welcome back to Car Crash TV!
So did you guess what happened next?
Well I'm sorry to say we are prying
on a domestic between a
man and his Vauxhall Corsa.
Yes, he's left the toilet seat up
one too many times, and
she's frankly had enough.
Yes, she's leaving him.
"Baby come back! Just
give me one more chance!"
"I can change!"
Too little, too late,
Kevin. Too little, too late.
(soft flute music)
When I was a nipper,
I loved nothing more than going for
long bike rides with my
mates through the woods
and across dirt tracks until teatime.
Ah, the memories of a more innocent time.
Because now, there's
nothing innocent about
taking to two wheels.
It's a perilous path where the dirt tracks
are replaced by dirtier drivers,
and the woods have been replaced by
"would you believe it?" vehicular lunacy.
I don't envy these big kids' bike rides.
And don't worry, every cyclist in this
set of clips comes out fine.
(guitar riff)
Learning how to ride a bike
always seems more difficult
than it really is.
It's all down to balance.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of
different bits to balance,
and that relies on using
the handlebars to turn...
Oh poor kid.
Well at least this woman will help him up.
Oh. Well I suppose tough love
might be the only way for him to learn.
Behold, Russia's answer to Evel Knievel!
(rewind noise)
I know it's only 12 inches,
but we all have to start somewhere.
Keep on practicing, kid!
And do your helmet up properly next time.
It's a terrible thing,
performance anxiety.
No matter how much you practice,
even on the run-up when it comes
to getting it right on the night,
that anxiety grips like a vice.
These days, if you want
to survive on two wheels,
it helps to be a highly trained ninja too.
Look at that form!
He's clearly a master of the martial arts.
And he's mastered some
pretty radical dance moves!
Yes, I'd be cross too.
Red light, my friend. Red light!
I'll agree that the Tour de France
needed a bit of a shakeup
to add some more excitement,
but I'm not sure that allowing cars
along the route was the best idea.
I mean, it slows things up a bit.
And don't get me started on the
forward roll the riders do when they
have to hit the brakes too hard.
(rewind noise)
Let's look at that again.
As a boy, I often wondered what it
would be like if you really did
put the brakes on at full speed.
And there's your answer.
I love this job, and I love pinball!
So all series I've been mashing the two
together with the ridiculous notion
that car crashes are a bit like
a game down the arcade, and you
at home absolutely love it!
Or at least we think you do.
If only someone would
write in and tell us.
So flex your flippers
and buff your bumpers,
because I'm about to pull this
plunger and play some Pinball!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, can you
clean that screen? Thanks.
That's literally made no difference.
Anyway, let's pull that plunger.
There's three bumper
bonuses straight away!
I haven't even got the chance to
fire the flippers yet, and we've
already got 30 thousand points!
Oh, hello there. We've
switched to night mode.
That means all points
scored are worth double.
Wow, cool graphics. I have
no idea what they mean.
Maybe that graph is
monitoring my heart rate.
I bet they set you back a few rubles.
Anyway, here we go.
(car horn)
There's a couple of bumpers,
a couple of targets,
at least one spinner.
It's not bad at all, 50 thousand points!
Okay, halftime means shunt time.
We've got one, two, three,
and four!
Which makes a quickfire
40 thousand points!
I'll let you into a little secret now,
if you can do two shunts back
to back, that's a super-shunt,
and you earn an extra 10 thousand points.
But it's very rare, not
many people can do it.
But I'm one of them!
Who's the big winner?
Well we all are! 40 thousand points!
Okay I'm running out of time,
and what's the best way to wrack up
a glut of points quickly? Truck bonus!
And the board goes wild!
We've only gone and
cleaned up the whole table!
60 thousand, and a new high
score! That's Game Over, folks!
My dad always said "Live
life in the fast lane."
Right up until he was arrested for
building a bivouac on the M6.
But whether or not you think 17 years
in a prison was a touch harsh, life is
all about changing lanes.
We start out on one path, but
inevitably end up on another.
Ooh. Nice bananas.
Unlike in life, on the roads we choose
which lane we want to be in,
and we're remarkably bad at it.
So forget everything you know about
mirror signal maneuver, and get ready
for some inner dismal palaver,
because this next hot mess is what happens
when you don't Stay in Your Lane!
So here we are, on
board the Spider-mobile.
Yes, even Spider-Man has
to do a big shop sometimes.
You don't get that buff by just
eating flies, I can tell you.
Looks like we've got company!
Stay in your lane, punk!
No? Fine! Fire web!
Yes, we got him. That's
another perp off the streets.
All part of the service.
10 thousand? Don't know what
it is, but I'll have five.
Anyway, here's a biker squeezing between a
four by four and a lorry, and if this is
Car Crash TV, then what could go right?
Unbelievable!
Well that's going to be a
polite exchange of views.
Now, if you look very
carefully at this clip,
you'll see on the dashboard we have
a box of painkillers, a wobbly toothbrush,
and one of those donuts people sit on
after having an operation on their bum.
So, it's safe to say this guy is already
having a pretty bad day.
And what's worse, he seems to have
hit the most psychotically calm
motorcyclist who has ever lived.
Look at him, he's not even slightly angry,
and that's the worrying thing.
I've got a horrible feeling I know exactly
where that toothbrush is going,
and all I can say is, it's
very lucky that it's bendy.
"Bopota" which I think translates
into "steam-powered bus".
They are such a liability on the roads,
that an ambulance has to
follow them everywhere.
Anyway, back to the action.
Watch out for the white car on the left.
Ah, gotcha! It was the guy in the red car.
Now take away his license,
and make him get a "bopota".
In this part of the world, some people
are so rich they pile up
gold in their gardens.
Which can be a bit distracting.
Keep your eyes on the road, fella.
200 billion isn't that much.
There's nothing like driving on
country roads at 80 miles per hour,
until some lunatic battles
past you at 120 miles per hour.
What a "Jirikov".
He'll get his comeuppance though.
Ooh, is that Snow White's house?
For some people, just
one lane isn't enough.
They want to be in all of them at once.
But it doesn't really work like that,
and his car won't work like that, either.
This town has had an
enormous tyrannous sunset
painting installed just
beyond the city limits
to keep everyone creative and inspired.
For some art enthusiasts though,
the effect is overwhelming.
Ooh, 14-44-14, that's neat.
And finally, I don't want to alarm you,
but there's a water-based death lizard
lurking on this guy's windscreen.
That's right, accelerate
and try to shake it off.
Wow! Not even a crash will shift it!
Tenacious little blighter!
(upbeat polka music)
road users are filming their journeys.
(car horn)
Which can often end in disaster!
(explosion)
(upbeat polka music)
Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern
Europe, dashboard-mounted
cameras are constantly recording our
behavior on the roads.
(truck horn)
(guitar music)
From the bizarre,
to the ridiculous,
(dog barking)
the funny,
(geese honking)
(crashing sounds)
to the down-right dangerous.
(crashing sounds)
The thousands and thousands of
dash cams around the world have
captured just about every mishap
you can think of.
(horse whinnying)
Now we're going to delve into this
treasure-trove of stupidity on the roads!
Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame!
Replay the action to see
what really happened.
And of course there's
nothing like seeing other
people's mistakes when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.
And please remember, on all the clips,
yes that's all the clips we show,
no one and that means no
one is seriously hurt.
So drive safely!
Not everyone is this lucky.
(screeching and glass shattering)
Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV!
Despicable, and deplorable
driving from Eastern Europe
that, had it happened in Britain,
would have resulted in the following
contraventions of the highway code.
(screeching tires and thudding)
Article 5-9: "Cyclists, you should wear
"light colored or fluorescent clothing
"which helps other road-users see you."
Article 9-1: "Driving when tired greatly
"increases your risk of collision."
Article 9-7: "You should ensure that
"you know where all the controls are,
"and how to use them
before you need them."
And chapter three of
"Rambling On: My Guide to Country Walks":
"Always stick to the footpath."
(revving and tires squealing)
(upbeat music)
The Great Wall of China,
the Pyramids, gun control reforms;
history is full of immensely
difficult undertakings
that would befuddle and stump
even the greatest of minds
this world has to offer.
And yet, we get them done. Right then!
Now some of the simplest,
seemingly the most difficult,
mirror signal maneuver.
Maybe its the multitask element
that catches so many drivers off-guard.
Or maybe they're just over undertaking.
(goofy piano tune)
Distances are hard to judge at high speed.
If object A is traveling at 80 M-P-H
from 300 meters away, and object B
is traveling at 50 M-P-H towards
object A, then object A and B
should get out of the bloody way sharpish!
Simple mathematics my
friends, simple mathematics.
Red is normally the color
associated with warning signs.
Huge is normally the size associated
with impassable objects.
(tire screeching)
So, if it's red and huge,
it's probably best not
to try to take it on.
You'll just be left to dust
yourself off, literally!
There's a reason why using your indicator
in advance of a turn is a good idea.
Mostly to let people overtaking
at high speeds know that they
might be about to conduct an impromptu
physics experiment
about speed versus mass.
Fascinating!
(upbeat polka)
Sometimes, driving at night
in the city is like playing on an Xbox.
(car horn honking and crashing)
Except a crash costs you thousands,
and you can't reload a saved game.
Here's my top tip for overtaking:
be sure to have moved completely
beyond the vehicle before you
pull back into the original lane.
Great safety feature, having
another road beside the road you're
actually driving on, in case
anyone can't quite stay in lane.
(guitar riff)
Some people still have
a real aversion to low-cost supermarkets.
Come on! They even have a
premium wine section now!
A lot of the techno rave crew
from the early 90s never got used
to the fact that a flashing amber light
means "A car is about to turn",
as opposed to "The beat is about to drop."
Come on, lads. Your
raving days are over now.
You're driving a Mercedes.
Some battles are just not worth fighting.
Sure, you've stood your ground and
refused to let him cut you up.
But you've also stood your ground
and he's now cut your no-claims bonus up.
(tires squealing and crashing)
(upbeat jazz)
A lot of things in life
are hit or miss; baking bread,
the weather, my marriage.
The bread might not rise, the sun
might not shine, your wife might cheat
on you with her yoga instructor, Pablo.
And by "might", I mean "will".
But every potential car crash has a moment
where it could go either way.
On Car Crash TV, we like nothing
more than to turn the laws of
probability into a fun game.
So polish your crystal ball,
and get ready to predict as we
play: Hit or Miss!
(bells and alarms)
Well this all looks rather serene,
we are playing Hit or Miss aren't we?
Where's the junction box jerk?
The speeding idiot?
Oh, here's one. Safely through.
And here's another!
Pretty nippy for a Lada.
But will this speeding moron hit
the law-abiding citizen?
This poor pedestrian?
This innocent street sign?
Or will he miss all three and
continue to break the speed limit?
(crash)
It's a Hit!
You're a berk, but you do get
double points for secondary damage
to the black car!
Every cloud...
Now this lorry driver appears to
have fallen asleep at the wheel.
Presumably he's been listening
to a friend talk about how they've
turned vegan, and it's
completely changed their life.
But is this vegetable-induced snooze
going to see him hit this car?
His fellow trucker?
This poor defenseless lamppost?
Or will he miss them all?
Hold tight!
(truck horn blaring)
And the lamppost gets it!
And the other one too!
That wasn't even on offer,
you greedy so-and-so.
Right, look here: a cracked windscreen.
So this chump has previous when it
comes to hitting things.
Or is he just bluffing?
Either way, he's found himself
in a Hit or Miss situation.
So will he hit the black Jeep?
This elderly couple?
Will someone learn the alphabet properly?
Or will he miss completely? Play on!
And the black Jeep gets it!
All together now: A-B-C-D-E-F-G!
Swerving isn't a good idea at
the best of times.
But it's a trouser-browningly
worse idea when there's a bus
heading right for you.
So will he hit the Jeep?
The bus?
The digger?
Or will he manage to squeeze through
that tiny gap and miss completely?
Play on!
Miss! No, wait hit! Double-Bubble!
Well I never, join us next time
for more car crash conundrums!
This has been: Hit or Miss!
(crashing)
(upbeat horn music)
Buses.
You wait around all day for one,
and then two come at once.
Although in our next set of clips
they often come at once directly
into the front of one another.
It's pretty hard being a bus driver.
You need to juggle all those different
jobs at once: giving teenagers
grumpy looks as they board, timing the
closing of the doors as a student
runs to get on, so they slam in
her face at just the right point.
Cutting up all other road-users
without ever once checking your mirrors.
Oh, and being aware of other cars.
Poor them. Let's not all
cry at once, shall we?
As we get On the Buses!
Bus drivers need love just like
everyone else, you know.
They don't watch boy-meets-girl
rom-coms, though.
They prefer bus-meets-bus love stories.
Ah, how romantic.
(multiple car horns)
What's big and yellow,
and coming for you?
(car horns)
This driver, to bust you up!
Here's some full-on coaching in
the art of junction etiquette.
Something tells me it was definitely
the bus's right of way.
If you try to take on a bus in a game
of chicken, you will end up with
a very thorough car-remodeling.
"Oh I love what you've done with the back!
"Made it much more snappy!"
"But that side looks a bit wobbly."
(banjo tune)
People think that cities
are the breeding ground for bad driving,
and that you're more likely to bosh
a bumper or wreck a wing mirror
in the urban jungle than
you are in the countryside.
I'm here to put an end to that lie.
Oh no, mark my words, those rural
landscapes are full of pitfalls and
prats behind the wheel.
Think about it, the cider is stronger,
the views are more distracting,
and the roads are literally a wind-up.
So buckle up, me friends, as we
head Out in the Sticks!
(country tune)
Welcome to the Wild West,
dryland stretched out as
far as the eye can see.
A lawless place, where
only the baddest survive.
Unknown dangers lie beneath every rock,
and evidently plenty
of cowboys own a motor.
And yeehaw! Here comes one now!
He's wanted all right, wanted for
crimes against the highway code.
Just call him "Billy the Twit"!
(techno beat)
The good thing about
country roads is that they're
less built up, so it actually makes it
infinitely easier to see other road-users
coming from a long way off.
That is, unless you don't actually
look ahead at the road at all.
(glass shattering, metal clang)
"Oh! Nice logs there."
"I might pop a few in me
pickup, and do a hog roast!"
Nothing beats getting
off of the beaten track
and taking to the dirt tracks for
a little off-road action.
By "off-road action" I mean of course
that directly after this collision,
his car was taken off the road.
(country tune)
The thing about four by fours is
they don't really belong on the roads.
And every now and then,
they remember this,
so wrestle control from the driver
and head for the nearest wooded area.
The thing about blind corners
is that it's not normally a great
idea to drive in the wrong lane
while you're going around one.
Funny that, isn't it?
Hold on, is that my car? Is that my wife?
Is that her yoga instructor? Karen!
(cheerful flute tune)
The countryside is where
animals go to hibernate.
Badgers, bears, articulated lorries.
There's one now, picking a nice
spot by the side of the road inside
that bush to nestle in and shut off
its engine for a few months.
Or at least a few hours until a
tow truck big enough can come collect it.
Nature, eh? Isn't it just beautiful?
(electric country beat)
When you're out in the sticks,
it's tempting to have a little stop
to admire the beautiful surroundings
and take it all in.
Just don't do it when you've just
overtaken a huge lorry at high speed
and it's still right behind you!
(orchestral music)
The thing about little
rural villages, is that everything
runs at a slower pace.
The working day is slower,
the bubbling streams move slower,
the sun seems to set slower.
The Sunday roasts are eaten slower,
and quite often, the people driving cars
have brains that run slower too.
Or not at all.
I often find myself on a long,
straight country road dozing off
in the warm summer sun to the
sound of nesting birdsong.
And nothing can break me
out of that relaxed state.
Well, almost nothing.
Pretty sure that would've woken me up too.
Still to come on Car Crash TV:
we'll remind you one more time
why it's vital to stay in your lane.
And 50 Ps at the ready!
As we head down to the
arcade to play Car Pinball!
But first, you know the drill people:
What Happens Next?
It could be a big exit.
Welcome back to Car Crash TV!
So did you guess what happened next?
Well I'm sorry to say we are prying
on a domestic between a
man and his Vauxhall Corsa.
Yes, he's left the toilet seat up
one too many times, and
she's frankly had enough.
Yes, she's leaving him.
"Baby come back! Just
give me one more chance!"
"I can change!"
Too little, too late,
Kevin. Too little, too late.
(soft flute music)
When I was a nipper,
I loved nothing more than going for
long bike rides with my
mates through the woods
and across dirt tracks until teatime.
Ah, the memories of a more innocent time.
Because now, there's
nothing innocent about
taking to two wheels.
It's a perilous path where the dirt tracks
are replaced by dirtier drivers,
and the woods have been replaced by
"would you believe it?" vehicular lunacy.
I don't envy these big kids' bike rides.
And don't worry, every cyclist in this
set of clips comes out fine.
(guitar riff)
Learning how to ride a bike
always seems more difficult
than it really is.
It's all down to balance.
Unfortunately, there's a lot of
different bits to balance,
and that relies on using
the handlebars to turn...
Oh poor kid.
Well at least this woman will help him up.
Oh. Well I suppose tough love
might be the only way for him to learn.
Behold, Russia's answer to Evel Knievel!
(rewind noise)
I know it's only 12 inches,
but we all have to start somewhere.
Keep on practicing, kid!
And do your helmet up properly next time.
It's a terrible thing,
performance anxiety.
No matter how much you practice,
even on the run-up when it comes
to getting it right on the night,
that anxiety grips like a vice.
These days, if you want
to survive on two wheels,
it helps to be a highly trained ninja too.
Look at that form!
He's clearly a master of the martial arts.
And he's mastered some
pretty radical dance moves!
Yes, I'd be cross too.
Red light, my friend. Red light!
I'll agree that the Tour de France
needed a bit of a shakeup
to add some more excitement,
but I'm not sure that allowing cars
along the route was the best idea.
I mean, it slows things up a bit.
And don't get me started on the
forward roll the riders do when they
have to hit the brakes too hard.
(rewind noise)
Let's look at that again.
As a boy, I often wondered what it
would be like if you really did
put the brakes on at full speed.
And there's your answer.
I love this job, and I love pinball!
So all series I've been mashing the two
together with the ridiculous notion
that car crashes are a bit like
a game down the arcade, and you
at home absolutely love it!
Or at least we think you do.
If only someone would
write in and tell us.
So flex your flippers
and buff your bumpers,
because I'm about to pull this
plunger and play some Pinball!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, can you
clean that screen? Thanks.
That's literally made no difference.
Anyway, let's pull that plunger.
There's three bumper
bonuses straight away!
I haven't even got the chance to
fire the flippers yet, and we've
already got 30 thousand points!
Oh, hello there. We've
switched to night mode.
That means all points
scored are worth double.
Wow, cool graphics. I have
no idea what they mean.
Maybe that graph is
monitoring my heart rate.
I bet they set you back a few rubles.
Anyway, here we go.
(car horn)
There's a couple of bumpers,
a couple of targets,
at least one spinner.
It's not bad at all, 50 thousand points!
Okay, halftime means shunt time.
We've got one, two, three,
and four!
Which makes a quickfire
40 thousand points!
I'll let you into a little secret now,
if you can do two shunts back
to back, that's a super-shunt,
and you earn an extra 10 thousand points.
But it's very rare, not
many people can do it.
But I'm one of them!
Who's the big winner?
Well we all are! 40 thousand points!
Okay I'm running out of time,
and what's the best way to wrack up
a glut of points quickly? Truck bonus!
And the board goes wild!
We've only gone and
cleaned up the whole table!
60 thousand, and a new high
score! That's Game Over, folks!
My dad always said "Live
life in the fast lane."
Right up until he was arrested for
building a bivouac on the M6.
But whether or not you think 17 years
in a prison was a touch harsh, life is
all about changing lanes.
We start out on one path, but
inevitably end up on another.
Ooh. Nice bananas.
Unlike in life, on the roads we choose
which lane we want to be in,
and we're remarkably bad at it.
So forget everything you know about
mirror signal maneuver, and get ready
for some inner dismal palaver,
because this next hot mess is what happens
when you don't Stay in Your Lane!
So here we are, on
board the Spider-mobile.
Yes, even Spider-Man has
to do a big shop sometimes.
You don't get that buff by just
eating flies, I can tell you.
Looks like we've got company!
Stay in your lane, punk!
No? Fine! Fire web!
Yes, we got him. That's
another perp off the streets.
All part of the service.
10 thousand? Don't know what
it is, but I'll have five.
Anyway, here's a biker squeezing between a
four by four and a lorry, and if this is
Car Crash TV, then what could go right?
Unbelievable!
Well that's going to be a
polite exchange of views.
Now, if you look very
carefully at this clip,
you'll see on the dashboard we have
a box of painkillers, a wobbly toothbrush,
and one of those donuts people sit on
after having an operation on their bum.
So, it's safe to say this guy is already
having a pretty bad day.
And what's worse, he seems to have
hit the most psychotically calm
motorcyclist who has ever lived.
Look at him, he's not even slightly angry,
and that's the worrying thing.
I've got a horrible feeling I know exactly
where that toothbrush is going,
and all I can say is, it's
very lucky that it's bendy.
"Bopota" which I think translates
into "steam-powered bus".
They are such a liability on the roads,
that an ambulance has to
follow them everywhere.
Anyway, back to the action.
Watch out for the white car on the left.
Ah, gotcha! It was the guy in the red car.
Now take away his license,
and make him get a "bopota".
In this part of the world, some people
are so rich they pile up
gold in their gardens.
Which can be a bit distracting.
Keep your eyes on the road, fella.
200 billion isn't that much.
There's nothing like driving on
country roads at 80 miles per hour,
until some lunatic battles
past you at 120 miles per hour.
What a "Jirikov".
He'll get his comeuppance though.
Ooh, is that Snow White's house?
For some people, just
one lane isn't enough.
They want to be in all of them at once.
But it doesn't really work like that,
and his car won't work like that, either.
This town has had an
enormous tyrannous sunset
painting installed just
beyond the city limits
to keep everyone creative and inspired.
For some art enthusiasts though,
the effect is overwhelming.
Ooh, 14-44-14, that's neat.
And finally, I don't want to alarm you,
but there's a water-based death lizard
lurking on this guy's windscreen.
That's right, accelerate
and try to shake it off.
Wow! Not even a crash will shift it!
Tenacious little blighter!
(upbeat polka music)