Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 17 - Episode #2.17 - full transcript

We shine a light on a particular rapid batch of Speeders and again ask our viewers to pick up their magnify glasses and help in unraveling the mystery that features in Crash Scene Investigation.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -

Everyday, more and more road users

are filming their journeys.

(car horn)

which can often end in disaster.


Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras
are constantly recording

our behavior on the roads.

(car horn)

From the bizarre

(upbeat music)

to the ridiculous.

(dog barks)

The fun.
(ducks quacking)

(car horn)

To the downright dangerous.

(metal crashing)

The thousands and thousands of dash-cams

around the world have captured

just about every mishap you can think of.

(horse neighing)

Now, we are going to delve into this

treasure trove of stupidity on the roads.

(tire screeching)

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.


We play the action to
see what really happened.

(glass breaking)

And of course there's nothing like seeing

other peoples mistakes when it comes

to helping is become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show

no one, and that means
no one is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV.

(metal crashing)

More calamitous crashes
from the roads of Russia

and the Eastern Europe that,

had they happened in Britain

would've resulted in the
following contraventions

of our wonderful highway code.

(upbeat music)

Article 254:

Traffic on motor ways
usually travels faster

than on other roads so you
have less time to react.

(upbeat music)

Article 164:

Make sure you have enough room

to complete your overtaking maneuver

before committing yourself.

Article 322:

Don't change lanes while
observing an alien invasion.

(upbeat music)


The one about stop, look, and listen.

(tire screeching)

And from page nine of my
self-help manual entitled

"Get on with it"

remember, however wild the ride

you are in charge of your own destiny.

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

(upbeat music)

Oh, that went well.

(car horn)

And this guy is really
going stupidly fast.

(tire screeching)

(upbeat music)

At the end of the day,

going at incredibly high speeds

(tire screeching)

is really really dangerous.

(engine revving)

(car horn)

And if you needed any
more convincing of that,

these clips should do the trick.

Cover your eyes, actually
don't cover your eyes

and learn some useful lessons

because here come, the speeders.

(upbeat music)


(keyboard typing)

(upbeat music)


Oh, the Molnia Hotel Nebug,

looks rustic.

Anyway, when idiocy comes along,

it doesn't always in a singular event.

In fact, the saying goes,
"Bad things come in threes".

Well, here's one.
(glass breaking)


(tire screeching)

And three.

(upbeat music)

Allentage Marsh has created a new garden

for the Chelsea Flower Show.

Its proved so popular that it
had start driving it around.

Some old dears though are so desperate

to meeting the great man

that they've resulted to radical tactics.

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(tire screeching)

Come down ladies, you'll get your turn.

(upbeat music)

Back to the future is a
modern cinematic classic.

But, as with all films,

there was a great deal of footage

that ended on the cutting room floor.

Take this scene for example,

where Marty gets the time input wrong,

and promptly stuffs the time machine

into the back of another vehicle.

(metal crashing)

(tire screeching)

Cue lengthy car repair montage.

(tire screeching)


(upbeat music)

Parking can be so dull.

So, I fully support anyone
who can add a little flourish

to this mundane process.

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

Well done sir.

Have you paid and display?


Ticket machine's over there.

It's hungry work driving long
distance on the motor way.

And when you see a suitable fueling place,

you know that nothing, and I mean nothing

is going to get between
you and the nice pasty.

(car horn)

Except maybe, maneuvers like that.

(upbeat music)

A John Wayne Western.

I love the classics.

Though they might have
clean the camera lens

before they started rolling.

(car horn)

There's the calvary arriving on the right.

Lets make camp here tonight.

(upbeat music)

I'm going to go out on a limb here,

and say that this guy is speeding.

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

Just an observation.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(high-tech chirping)

Magnum drove a Ferrari,
Moss drove A Jaguar,

me, I drive Volvo.

A beige one.

As sadly, I'm a much
less successful sleuth

than my more esteemed colleagues.

So, I've have to cut my cloth accordingly.

But that's where you
can help me dear viewer.

To upgrade my wheels, I need
to close some more cases.

So, this is the part of the show

where we fill the screen

with loads of meaning less graphics,

and solve another crash
scene investigation.

(upbeat music)

Well, this is a conundrum

on a picturesque country road.

Two vehicles are facing the wrong way,

but which one of the three is to blame?

Is it A?

The truck that's done a 180?

B, the BMW that's done a 180?

Or C, the other truck that's
managed to hold its course.

Lets find out.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

(upbeat music)

It was B, the BMW.

Never pull an emergency
stop on a motor way.

Now to collect my fee.

Actually, I might be able
to upgrade to a BMW now,

especially if it's that one.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(upbeat music)

They say that in London,

you are never more that
six feet away from a rat.

And that figure drops to just
five feet if you are obese.

(car horn)

But on the roads there's a bigger problem,

because you are never
more than 10 seconds away

from someone in a 4X4
driving like an idiot.

And that sounds shocking,

but I've dug in to the
Car Crash TV archives

to present you with a shunt
heavy compendium of prove,

that people who drive off road vehicles

are a hazard to us all.

(car horn)

So, settle in and prepare to be stunned

by stupidity

in 4X4 fails.

(keyboard typing)

(car horn)

Ah, New York, New York.

So nice they've named it twice.

I've tried the same thing with my son

Richard Richard, and he is nice,

even if the kids at school do call him...

Well, you can imagine.

What winds me up, is that
so many people buy 4X4s

but never drive them off-road.

Luckily, this one is going to be

off the road for at least
three weeks depending on parts.


Consider this, people who wear
oversized shoes are clowns

and everybody hates them.

People who drive oversized cars?

Yap, you guessed it.

I hate them.

(upbeat music)

Seriously, owning a 4X4 in a town,

is like using nuclear bomb
to open a tin of Tuna.

It's overkill.

Everyone within 10 miles is at risk.

And it's likely your children
will grow into monsters.

(tire screeching)

Anyway, this show isn't
about me and my opinions.

No, for Gods sake, what are you doing man.

Read the high-way code you fudge hummer.

I'm sorry everyone.

I just don't think these
monsters should be on the road.

(metal crashing)

That's two more of the
cretchen side of the game.

Take that you jerks.

You know what, I'm thinking
of starting a petition.

If we could enough signatures,

we can get idiots like these

put in some sort of prison

to attend embarrassing
group therapy sessions

until they sell their 4X4s.

(upbeat music)


I haven't quite thought it through yet,

but who's with me?

(upbeat music)


Yes, it's all about
calm thoughtful action.

There's no point in getting angry.

Oh, you've got to be kidding.

What the heck does he think he's doing?

Who does he think he is?

The king of Bulgaria?

These 4X4 people have crazy delusions

of grandeur on our roads.

We need to rise up and tough them out.

Viva la Revolution!

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

Still to come on Car Crash TV.

We swap four wheels for two legs

as we celebrate the pedestrians.

(upbeat music)

And strap in for another
exhilarating edition

of the blame game.

But first, can you
guess what happens next?

It's double the fun.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

(engine revving)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.

So, did you guess what happened next?

You've heard of synchronized swimming,

well this is synchronized Harley falling.

I've not heard back from
the Olympic committee yet,

but I'm hopeful it will be recognized

as an official sport
before the next games.

(tape rewinding)

Why does the second guy fall?

Some sort of force field perhaps?

Or a sympathetic maneuver.

It's a mystery.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(upbeat music)

We live in a world where accidents happen.

And fortunately, for my project

on teaching you not how to drive,

they're now recorded
in glorious technicolor

by these useful little dash-board cams.

What isn't always clear though,

is where the fault lies
in these motoring mishaps.

That's why we had Car Crash TV

like to provide a little service.

And to spice that service up a bit,

we've turned it into a fun-filled
game for all the family.

Yes, if you've had an accident,

you can't decide who is responsible,

and no one else can help,

maybe you should play

the blame game!

(upbeat music)

And away we go.

And it's a short run up
for our first offering,

but which driver is short on brain cells

and responsible for
this imminent accident.

Well, the combination of
cobalt and tram trucks mean

there's no room on this road

to any sort of markings.

So, to resolve this one,

we'll have to 'wind back a touch.

(tape rewinding)

There's the evidence that we require.

Looks like a give away sign to me,

which means little red car,

the blame lies firmly with you.

(metal crashing)

(upbeat music)


And another quick start here.

But who's at fault?

The overtaking tortoise, or
the double overtaking hare?

You know what?

I'm dishing out a double
portion of blame pie here.

You sir.

Are clearly speeding.

And you sir,

should have checked your wing
mirror before pulling out.

Blame on both of you.

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(upbeat music)

And lets also blame that
spooky looking cross

for reminding everyone
of their own mortality.

Oh, what a captivating design?

That's how you build

a 21st century civic by-pass
ladies and gentlemen.

But, who's responsible for
this imminent collision?

The lady in red?

Or Crystal Buick who we are onboard with.

The keen eyed amongst you

will have noticed that the Buick,

was at the junction
entering oncoming traffic.

So, blame to you my friend

though I do sympathize.

How could your attention be anywhere

other than on that stunning by-pass?

(upbeat music)

And not a scratch at anyone, drive on sir.

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)


They're just like cars,

except they're not made of
metal and don't have wheels.

(upbeat music)

But don't let that put you off.

Many of them are excellent road users.

A minority however,

are in the way when busy drivers

are hell-bent on getting to work.

Normally, roads are for cars
and pavements are for people.

But when their paths cross,

trouble is never far away.

Fortunately, there're times when they have

a very lucky escape.

Just one of the amazing facts

in my handy guide to
the 10 different types

of jammy pedestrian.

(upbeat music)

Number one.

The staggerer.

These idiots are staggeringly stupid.

Seriously, I'm staggered.

(upbeat music)

Number two.

The lurker.

These worm-like parasites
live inside for years

away from natural light before suddenly

they make a break for it.

Jammy dodger.

Lets hope he's learned his lesson.

Number three.

The moon walker.

They step up in front.

(tire screeching)

Before sliding backwards
at the last moment.

(upbeat music)

Number four.

The lucky beggars.

These people just hung around on pavements

as the world goes by.

And then escape with their lives

when some crazy driver
goes, "Enough is enough."

And barrels towards them.

Number five.

The warrior.

A rare breed of pedestrians
who are so brave,

they believe that they can
physically beat up a car.

Which of course is totally impossible.

Unless it's a Fiat.

(upbeat music)

fortunately, this one is being consoled

by a man with a five liter jug of cider.

That'll take the pain away.


(instrumental music)

Number six.

A specialist category.

The maniac kamikaze pit stopper.

There's one on this bus.

First, he jumps out of the bus backwards

for no reason.

(upbeat music)

then he crawls back towards
the terrifying 30 inch wheels.

Then as a finale,

he leans under the wheel arch,

then takes a picture of it.

And gets back on.

(upbeat music)

Number seven.

The magnets.

These bunch of weirdos

are strongly attracted
to large metal objects.

In fact, the French government spends

three million a year pricing
them off The Eiffel Tower.

Oh look, Christmas!

(upbeat music)

Oh, nice focus.

Anyway, number eight.

The one directions.

The pedestrians who can only look one way

and usually not the way
the cars are coming from.

(upbeat music)

Don't worry.

There'll be less of them in the band soon

if they carry on like this.

(upbeat music)

And can I just say,

what an excellent dash-cam image that is.

Number nine.

The chameleon.

Don't be fooled by their
outward appearance.

These two may have disguised
themselves as policemen.

But they still want you to
frighten the hell out of them.

Just for the hell of it.

And number 10.

The ultimate jammy dodger.

King of the lucky escape.

And king of dressing in a red jump suit

for no apparent reason.

My, that was a close one.

Lets see it again from another angle.

There's the dodger,

striving purposely towards the challenge,

but waiting...

(tire screeching)

He's even jammier than I thought.

He'll probably take a picture

of that crash scene and
put it in a TV show.

How dare he.

(engine revving)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(instrumental music)

Forrest Gump said that, "Life
is like a box of chocolates."

by which he meant,

85% of it is horribly disappointing.

And when it comes to watching car crashes,

it can be hard to tell
if you're picking out

a smooth cannibal battle
or an orange abomination.

So, I've been digging
through the clip vault

for yet more potential disasters

for you at home to predict.

And to keep myself from
going bonkers this week,

I've used only clips
that remind me of films.

(glass breaking)

So, get ready for some celluloid smash ups

as we play,

shame or style.

Movie edition.

(keyboard typing)

(instrumental music)

This is an exclusive sneak preview

of "Fast and Furious 9"

in which Vin Diesel attempts
a high speed overtake

of a Siberia bank robber
in a family saloon.

But, will he do it with shame or style?

Play on.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

A good start, nicely done Vin.

Oh, he's warming up.

Oh dear, he went off the road

and the bank robbers got off scot-free.

Ride first position again boys.

Take two.

(upbeat music)

Welcome to the forest moon of the Endor.

Home of the Ewoks.

No, hung on, this is wild.

Specifically, the (mumbles)

Acclaimed Solo here,

has run out of space, shame or style?

Play on.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

Perhaps a truck chew.

Well, he's got away with it.

I expect nothing less from acclaimed Solo.

May the force be with him.

Ah, it's one of those transformer films.

There's scrapper the rabble digger

and here comes Optimus Prime.

(instrumental music)

Shear (mumbles) that was close.

But can we hold it together?

Surely, no shame here only style.

Play on.

Oh, dear and much like
grown men watching films

about talking robots cars,

that is embarrassing.

(instrumental music)

Gotham city is covered in thick fog

and only one man is
brave enough to fight it.


Driving the new five
door carbiery bat-mobile

with xvision.

But has the cap crusader
taken on too much?

Even with the xvision has
the fog beaten our hero?

Play on.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

Holy handbrakes batman,

you've stalled it out

all thanks to the ABS and
electronic stability control

function on your top of the
range executive bat-saloon.

(instrumental music)

Now, this is a classic.

It's one of those silent
films from the 1920s

where everything is a bit jerky.

(tire screeching)

Talking of jerks,

Charlie Chaplin here

is driving way too fast around this corner

but is he heading for shame or style?

Play on.

(upbeat music)

(tire screeching)

You idiot Charlie.

(glass breaking)

Oh look there's busted kitten

he's busted his bumper
tube by the look of things.

See you next time on shame or style.

(engine revving)

(tire screeching)

(metal crashing)

(upbeat music)

Wheels are our greatest invention,

unless of course you
count the prawn cocktail.

Sharp, fishy, refreshing.

But what's the right
amount of wheels to have?

A motorcyclist spot on with two?

Or a car driver is in the right with four?

Whatever the answer, one thing is clear.

(upbeat music)

Cars and bikes will hate
each other for all eternity.

Just like I will my
wife's Yoga instructor.

He's a snake.

And she betrayed me.

So, sit back as we dive once more

into the eternal battle

that is motorcycle versus motor vehicle.

This is two wheels, four wheels.

(keyboard typing)

(upbeat music)

Just look at all these parked buses.

There must be a concert on.

I wonder who's playing?

The man was voluntarily thrown himself

off a speeding motorbike.

That means it must be Russia's
answer to Justin Bieber.

And look how disappointed he is

that both his ears are
still fully functional.

And as if retaining his
hearing wasn't bad enough,

it appears he's crashed into
Russian Justin security detail

who wants to make amends
with free front row tickets.

Oh lord, here comes a Siberian Kardashian.

(upbeat music)

And now for some art.


I call this one,

eight seconds of an idiot
fumbling with a motor bike.










(upbeat music)

Forget the crash.

I'm more interested in that skyline.

That's an impressive looking sunset,

so I'm guessing it's somewhere exotic.

Jamaica perhaps?

Or maybe the Philippines.

I'm not particularly well traveled.

So, could do with a clue.

(instrumental music)

Of course, it's Hawaii.

Where else would you see a man wearing

such an utterly appalling shirt?

Get back in the car mate.

You're in danger of
causing another accident

with that hideous garment.

My eyes!

Get him off.

(instrumental music)

Viewers, remember.

You need to be aware of other road users.

(instrumental music)

(metal crashing)

Advised this orange car clown

could do with taking onboard.

Go learn your lessons champs.

(engine revving)

I know.

You're watching this
from the point of view

of the driver, wondering
where the danger is.

Checking your rear-view mirror.

Checking your speed.

(tire screeching)

(glass breaking)

And then, bum!

For once, the crash is on the road ahead.

Stay safe sir.

(upbeat music)

Isn't it annoying when you get distracted

by a tree wearing a sexy neon belt

and missed your turning.

Fear not my friend

for your car has a reverse gear emitters.

So, just deploy both of
these high-tech features

and continue on your merry way.

(engine revving)

(upbeat music)

I said use both of those
high-tech features not one.

Not to worry.

Just exit your vehicle
promptly and apologize.

(upbeat music)

or inexplicably blame him

for being in the way

on his ridiculous two wheeled contraption.

(upbeat music)

Pity the poor biker.

Apart from his trousers being too short,

this fellow has done everything right.

The lights on green.

He's going straight ahead.

He's got right of way.

And then,

without indicating that
clown cuts him off.

He has every right to
go nuts when he gets up.

(upbeat music)