Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 5, Episode 1 - Episode #5.1 - full transcript

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
[Darren] We're back, and while
we may look and sound different,

our mission remains the same.


To entertain while educating you
on how not to drive!

With the thousands of dashcams
all around the world

constantly recording
our behavior on the roads,

we've been able to find

a multitude
of jaw-dropping clips.

[dog barking]

From the bizarre

to the ridiculous.

The funny

to the downright dangerous.

Those wonderful little cameras
have captured

every mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve

into this treasure trove
of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right
by identifying the idiots.

the Scene of the Crime.

And put those in the wrong
firmly Behind Bars.

After all, there's nothing
like seeing

the antics
of the World's Worst Drivers.

To help us become better ones.

And please remember
on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips
we show,

no one and that means no one
is seriously hurt.

So, drive safely,
not everyone is this lucky.

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Coming up on this episode
of Car Crash TV,


[upbeat music playing]



And that's just
when my assistant, Wesley,

tries to use the new
coffee Machine [laughing].

You literally stick a pod in
the top of it and push a button,

come on, mate,
how hard can it be?

Oh, and we've also got a couple
of top new items for you

along with the usual relentless
onslaught of motoring madness.

And we all know
that's why you really tune in,

so let's proceed, shall we?


In the beginning,
roads were straight.

Then as time moved on,
turns were introduced.

The roads became so abundant

that junctions were
eventually required.

And that was when it all
went to hell in a handcart!

Look, it really is simple,
if you want to turn left,

position yourself
in the left-hand lane

and wait for a gap
in the traffic.

If you want to right
your car off

and obliterate
your no-claims bonus.

[tires squealing]

Then don't. See, educational!

And they said this show
was just gratuitous nonsense.

I wonder what that timers
counting down to?

[tire squealing, crashing]

Maybe it was
the end of the world.

Or the moment
that man soiled himself.

We'll never know,
quick, hug someone

and tell them
you love them just in case.

I was right, look,
the planets orbit has shifted

and we're now rotating
perilously close to the sun.

I don't care about the crash,

we're all going to die!


My apologies viewers,
it seems in that last clip

it was simply a case
of the dashcam's aperture

being faulty
and we aren't all about

to perish
in an unpleasant inferno.

We can continue.

Welcome to a little town
called Irony,

located in deepest
darkest Ukraine.

[crashing, dings]

It really lives up to its name.

Sometimes it's really tricky
to ascertain

who's at fault for a crash
and the insurance companies

have a real problem
trying to decide

who's going to pony up
for the repairs.

This is not
one of those occasions.

[calm music playing]

Behind the wheel of that 4x4 is
none-other than the Pied Piper.

Yep, he's back
and now he can drive!

Rather than luring children
into caves

with the music from his pipe,

[tire squealing]

he now lures motorists
who show a complete disregard

for junction etiquette
into crashes.

[calm music ending]

The local exorcist here on route
to rid another mortal being

of the demon
that's inhabiting it.

But the demon's powers
are strong and far reaching.

Clearly, the power of Christ
does not compel this entity.

[mariachi music playing]

And now it's time
for a bit of light relief,

maybe, if you're lucky.

Yeah, by now I imagine
you've become exhausted

by seeing crash
after crash after crash,

so now it's time to throw
a few near misses into the mix,

for the sake of balance.

Or is it?

Only one way to find out,
Let's play Hit or Miss!

[upbeat music playing]

We're wasting no time here,

the two little silver cars
are traveling at quite a lick,

so will their velocity reduce

the opportunity to perform
an evasive maneuver?

And of course, it's a hit,

but at least you did it next
to a garage so every cloud.

Okay, folks,
it's time to guess again

and once more
we're at a junction.

The prat in the people carrier
has turned right

in the front of the car
we're traveling in,

but does our driver
have the skills to miss

rather than hit?


He does not, that's good news
for you who guessed hit,

but bad
for the aforementioned prat.

Speeding on snow
is never a good idea

as I believe the chap
on the other side of the road

is starting to realize
right about now.

He's going sideways
so there's no chance

he can alter his trajectory,

but what about the car
we're onboard?

Oh, a delicious near miss,
nice driving my friend.

And finally, check out
Mr. fancy pants in his Mercedes,

and Mr. Fancy pants two
in his Audi.

I know jealousy
is a terrible thing,

but I really hope
this one ends in a hit,

I'd bet good money
that they're both

selfish inconsiderate drivers,
just a hunch.

Yes, it's a hit!

Sorry, I'm supposed to
be impartial, aren't I?

Dashcam footage has been
the cornerstone of this show

for five glorious
fun packed series,

you guys really love us,
don't you?

Thanks once again for tuning in.

Anyway, where was I,
yes, Dashcams,

the lifeblood
of our fine broadcast,

where would we be without them?

Well, let's find out!

[upbeat music playing]

This is a complex junction,

[ding, ding, ding]

just trying to work out
who has right of way

is inducing a panic attack.

It's like an abstract painting,

little reference for all
the art lovers who tune in.

It seems I'm not the only one befuddled

by this intersection's

Pedestrian crossings are
for pedestrians my friend.

Half a mile down the road
a much more standard affair.

Obvious right of way
to everyone.


Well, except for this guy.

But another question
from this clip,

where are all the car washes
in this town?

Those cars are filthy,
come on, guys,

the overheads are really cheap

and it's a great way
to make money!

Please indulge me while
I get a little serious now,

this clip is no laughing matter.

[car horn honks]

Yes, your eyes
do not deceive you,

that gentleman was indeed
ejected from the vehicle.

Always wear your seatbelt.

Now normal service shall resume.

Often on this show,
it's easy to pinpoint

the reason why a crash occurs,

someone's driving too fast,

there's been
a mechanical failure,

a motorist has fallen foul
of some inclement weather.

[car horn honks]

And then occasionally,

the production team offers up
something like this.

Any takers? No, me either.

Now, you might think
this looks a tad harsh.

Did the driver
of the small car deserve

to be so violently shunted

by the driver
of the big yellow bus?

Yes, he did.

A vest, in public,
and a grubby one at that.

For shame!

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

[upbeat music playing]

Still to come on Car Crash TV

We scream What The Truck!

Try our hardest
not to sound smutty

when we introduce
the Rear Enders.

Ah! And lock up a load of
despicable drivers Behind Bars.

But first,

Lorry Snow Tension.

All the ingredients required
for me to ask the question,

what happens next?

[tire squealing]

[car door opens and closes]

Welcome back to Car Crash TV.
So, what did happen next.

Well, I was slightly nervous
about that lorry

who is on its way to join
this dual carriageway.

[car horn honks]


However, I should have been
more nervous

about the car
we're traveling with.

Who seems to be transporting
an Iron Maiden.

Erm, if you're going
to drive around

with a medieval torture device
strapped to your roof

at least secure it properly.

The Truck,
it's basically just a car

that has a penchant for cake
and a general resentment

to any form
of cardiovascular exercise.

You're kidding! What?

The lawyers think I'm fat
shaming inanimate objects now,

ah, do me a fav, it's political
correctness gone mad.

It's a good job my parents
brought me up properly,

or I might say something that
could get us taken off the air.

Graphics, man,
indulge me please.

[calm music playing]

Do me a favor, could you
ease me into this one please,

I had a heavy night on the gin.

Ah, that's it,
ahh, very tranquil...

Jesus Christ,
I said ease me in and...

What are you doing,
don't repeat it?

Pop quiz!

Can an eighteen-wheeler
derail a tram?


No, it cannot!

I don't care if it isn't funny,
it's accurate.

[upbeat music playing]

Where in the world are we?

Because this isn't
a very dignified way

to transport the dead.


You can get away
with that sort of burial at sea

but not on a Dual Carriageway.

I do feel sorry
for lorry drivers though,

I mean it's a lonely
and very tiring occupation,

so they deserve our help
and respect.

He's clearly dropped off
at the wheel,

somebody beeps your horn
to stir him.

[upbeat music playing]

Air Brakes are fitted to trucks

to aid the big beasts
in stopping,

all that weight they are packing
requires some extra effort,

you see.

Surprisingly in this part
of the world

they're an optional extra
rather than a requirement.

So thrifty truck drivers have
to use alternative methods

if they want to stop.

Maybe rethink
your Ukraine mini-break!

We've captured
the extremely rare moment

when two trucks mate.

Producing a fully formed
adult human being.

High Vis and everything.
Isn't nature majestic?

[upbeat music playing]

The petrol station in this town
have adopted

a rather aggressive
marketing campaign.

It's called the fill-up
or [bleep] off strategy.

If there is an upside
to trucks crashing,

it's that other road users
can fill their boots

and nick stuff
from the stricken vehicle.

Of course, if the truck
is transporting manure,

then there really are
no wins here.

There are many different
types of road

one can find themselves on,

and the more lanes
on those roads,

the faster the vehicles
seem to travel.

So, when a driver strays
onto a motorway,

well, the results
can be hellish!

[calm music ending]

[guitar playing]

I tell you what, the ambulance
drivers in this town

are ruddy efficient.

Not very thorough though.

Come back,
this is whiplash city!

The tunnel might not
be finished,

but woe betide anyone
who doesn't pay the toll.

The attendants aren't
playing games.

He'll get that £2.40
whatever the cost

to his no-claims bonus,
and life apparently.

Okay, folks,
highway code refresher time.

Any ideas?

Okay, I'll keep going
and see if you can get it.

[tire squealing]

That's right,
beware the Fiat Panda.

It's easy when you know.

The popularity
of internet shopping means

there are more delivery drivers
than ever before

and they're having to fight
for space on the roads.

Get a proper van mate
if you want to compete.


I think by now I've been able
to establish my firm dislike

for those drivers that choose
to undertake

rather than overtake.

[crashing, tire squealing]

So, this clip brought me
so much joy, it really did.

However, even I appreciate

that if some berk has positioned
himself in the fast lane,

extreme action
might be required.

I meant undertaking not whatever
the hell that was!

Imagine, you've just started
the 360-mile trip to Kolbaskowo

and then this happens.

Are you sure you can't get
what you need in Gdynia?

Yeah, I am just reading
the road sign, yeah,

it's a bit late and I'm tired.

Earlier, we identified
the road sign that warned

about the presence
of a Fiat Panda on the road

and some of you may have thought
I was being a tad harsh

towards the little car.


Never ever question me again!

[upbeat music playing]

Over five series we've come up
with some pretty wacky ideas

for this show.

And we remember fondly those
in the production team

who were responsible

for Yorkshire Parking News
and now no longer have a career.

Have the new production team
learned from their mistakes?

I'll let you decide
as we unveil, Vehicular Bowling.

One car is the ball
and the others are the pins,

just go with it, okay?

[upbeat music playing]

Good evening, Dustin True here

with the latest addition
of Vehicular bowling!

Our first bowler is Lyle Barnes,
who just this week secured

a lucrative sponsorship deal

with Marvelous Moes
Missouri Mud Pies,

which might explain

why he's looking
a bit on the chubby side.

But, having 22 stone
put behind a bowling ball

might give him the edge as
he tries to pick up his spare.

And pick it up he does,

though the way he's
clutching his left shoulder

makes me think
it may have come at a cost!

[upbeat music playing]

Next up, we have experienced
King Pin Mariella Montague,

all the way from the bleak
outpost of Flagstaff, Alaska.

Is she feeling the pressure
or will her upbringing

keep her as cold as ice?

She steps up to the approach
and shucks,

ha, that is a gutter ball.

Disappointing for the fans,

Mariella and her daughter, Mabel,

who has immediately filed
for emancipation.

Hailing from Honolulu,
Tim Pim, notoriously shy,

Tim lets him ball
do the talking.


And with bowling like that
you can see why.

Should be an easy spare,
and look,

Tim might finally be ready
to embrace the cameras.

The world of Vehicular Bowling
has produced some big names,

but they don't much bigger

than Theopolis Jameson
Von Deutch Junior The Fourth.


And that's why.


Let's watch that again
in slo-mo.

Look at the way he secures that
final pin at the last second.

Vehicular Bowling at its finest,
my friends.

Our last bowler to step up
to the runaway

is Tex McGraw

who hails from the great state
of Arkansas.

When he's not hitting the lanes,
Tex likes to hit gophers

with a two by four.

Don't worry though,
it's all part of Tex's belief,

one should live off the land.

Anyway, it's a good approach,
oh, no, that is unfortunate,

the dreaded 7/10 split,

no chance of a spare
from this, I'm afraid, Tex.

That means the trophy goes,

to Theopolis Jameson
Von Deutch, jr IV,

and for our losers,

it's a trip to Tex's place
for barbecued rodent.

[upbeat music playing]

We here at Car Crash TV
take our job seriously.

We take great pride in our work
of educating our viewers

as to the right and wrong way
to drive their motor vehicles.

As such, I promise you,
dear viewers

that I will find
the right person

who came up with the title
of this next cluster of clips

and firmly reprimand them.

Utter Filth!

Who's seen the classic
Hitchcock's film, "The Birds?"

Clearly the driver of the car
we're onboard.

Yeah, he must have seen
the sheer number of nests

in those trees, assumed fiction
was about to become reality

and have been gripped by terror.

I know it sounds like nonsense,

but you're going to tell
the authorities something and,

"I was driving like a pillock,"

isn't enough to protect
your no-claims bonus.

The car we're traveling in
is kitted out

with the latest expensive
hi-tec ceramic braking system.

However, the car behind is not.

Just because you can afford
the optional extras

doesn't mean everyone can.

You've wasted your money
you ruddy big show off.

I don't know
what I find more incredible.

The fact this driver has decided
to fit a rear dash cam.

Or the fact a Fiat that old
is still running.

Well, it was still running.

You know, Eastern Europe
gets a bit of a bad rep,

but it really is a beautiful
part of the world.

Admire the rustic architecture,
breath it in.

Not now you pillock,
never sniff and drive!

[guitar playing]

A sneak peek on the set
of Fast and the Furious 37,

the car franchise
that just won't die.

Please, Vin, let it die,
it's time.

Naughty, not strictly red,
but you should've stopped.

Release the comeuppance car.

Yes, my very own invention, yeah,

no, I'm making
a significant loss

but the sense of entitlement

it affords me
is worth every penny.

[calm music playing]

Now, I don't want to sound
like a stuck record,

but as I've explained
I've a particular dislike

for those motorists
who undertake.

So, this clip, it's got me
reaching for the champagne.

Ha-ha, let's watch it again.

So satisfying.

We at Car Crash TV
are on a mission,

not just to raise awareness
of appalling drivers,

but to also ensure

said appalling drivers
are on the business end

of some rough justice!

So we've employed

former Glasgow Metropolitan
Police Detective,

Jock McSwingan,
to come out of retirement

and rid the roads
of a few motoring menaces.

Detective McSwingan,
it's over to you.

This guy thinks this
sort of maneuvers clever.

We'll see how far his brain
gets him

when we secure him Behind Bars!

Don't like following the rules.

Then you aren't going to fit in
when you Behind Bars!

You're one of those fellas
who don't like sharing the road,

well, you ain't going to like
sharing a cell

with Stabby Pete, Behind Bars!

Enjoy giving a passing
pedestrian a shower, do you?

Well, you'll find showers

a lot less entertaining
Behind Bars!

Think it's okay to fall asleep
at the wheel, do you?

Trust me,
you'll find it a lot harder

to catch 40 winks Behind Bars!

In such a hurry, you think you
can ignore the traffic lights?

Try ignoring traffic
Behind Bars!

Objects in the rearview mirror
may appear closer than they are!

Give my regards to Meatloaf,
Behind Bars!

Never heard
of Mirror Signal Maneuver?

How about, You Have The Right
To Remain Silent, Behind Bars!

He might be on the wrong side
of the road,

but his journey's only going
to take him, Behind Bars!

Pedal to the medal.

You've got an appointment
to keep Behind Bars!

Oh, I hate to be the one
to break it to you,

but that's your lot
for this episode.

And even worse news, I don't
have time to explain to you

what schadenfreude means.

[theme music playing]