Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 16 - Episode #2.16 - full transcript

We say Yeehaw and take a trip to the Wild West to see how long our riders can stay on the road in another round of Off Road Rodeo, and we'll switched from roads to tracks as we examine the Tram.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
(dramatic music)

[Narrator] Every day,
more and more road users

are filming their journeys,
(horns honking)

which can often end in disaster!

(car explodes)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard mounted cameras are constantly

recording our behavior on the roads.

(horn honking)

From the bizarre to the ridiculous.

(dog barking)

(geese squawking)
The funny

(horn honking)

to the downright dangerous.

The thousands and thousands of dashcams

around the world have
captured just about every

mishap you can think of.

Now we're going to delve
into this treasure trove

of stupidity on the roads,

(upbeat music)

put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

(bell dings)

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

(horse whinnies)

And, of course, there's
nothing like seeing

other people's mistakes when it comes

to helping us become better drivers.

And please remember, on all the clips,

yes, that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means no
one, is seriously hurt.

So drive safely.

Not everyone is this lucky.

(brakes squealing)
(glass breaking)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV,

despicable and deplorable driving

from Russia and Eastern Europe that,

had it happened in Britain,
would have resulted

in the following contraventions
of the highway code.

Article 162, before overtaking,

you should make sure
there's a suitable gap

in front of the road user
you're planning to overtake.

(cheerful music)

Article one, pavements, including any path

along the side of a road,
should use used if provided.

And Article 90, make sure
that you are fit to drive.

The one about looking before you leap.

And from chapter two of
"A Life on the Rails:

"My Guide to the Trams of the World,"

a tram stops for no one, no one.

(tires squealing)

(engine revving)

(light music)

(horn blaring)

You've got your blinkers on.

You've got tunnel vision.

You can't see the wood for the trees.

There are lots of different ways to tell

someone they should open
their blinkin' eyes,

but not all of them work.

Often, these hapless
halfwits blindly bound

through life hoping for the best.

And the only way to give them the sense

of awareness they so desperately need

is to knock a little sense
into them, literally.

For goodness sake, people, look both ways.

Okay, before we start,
please let me assure

you that everyone in the next batch

of clips will get up.

(peppy music)

Life is full of lucky escapes.

And a sore wrist and knee is a lot better

than ending up flat as a pancake.

The important thing is that once you've

already been in a traffic accident

by not looking both ways,

you make sure not to do the exact same

thing again directly afterwards.

Oh, for Pete's sake, mate!

You might look like Charles Bronson,

but that's no reason to have a death wish!

Pedestrians, as well as being mindful

of speeding cars, do take the time

to observe those going
at a snail's pace too.

(spring bouncing)

Well, it's your own fault.

The woman behind was
clearly trying to warn you.

The problems with city
buses, in my opinion,

is how they give birth
to fully clothed humans

at the most inopportune moments.

One minute you're minding
your own business,

next thing you know, a bloke slides out

the back of the number 23.

Seriously, people, be careful

when crossing behind a bus.

(classical music)

Now, I don't mean to alarm you,

but you seem to have a ruddy great

tropical caterpillar
wrapped around your face.

If you're not careful, its
toxins might blur your vision.

I did try to warn you.

(tango music)

Looking for a new dance
move to impress the ladies?

Forget taking lessons with a professional.

Just walk out into the middle of the road

without looking both ways and voila.

(car skidding)
(spring bouncing)

The leg over head special.

She'll never be able to resist.

(springs bouncing)

Reading text messages as you
cross roads could be costly.

Dear Dad, meet you at the tram station.

You know the one with the ruddy great

tram that goes through there.

Someone's going to need a new screen.

(horns honking)

(tires squealing)

(car crashing)

(lively music)

Cars come in all shapes, sizes and colors,

and their drivers do too.

There are sensible
drivers, careful drivers,

law-abiding drivers and
downright nutty drivers.

(tires screeching)
(car crashing)

In the same way that you sometimes

see a resemblance between a dog owner

and his respective pooch,

you can often spot crazy car
owners by their vehicles,

and something that
starts as a small mistake

can leave you in a right pickle.

This is a joke too car.

(gentle music)

A rare glimpse now of the striped

zebratus hatchbackimus
in its natural habitat.

Galloping along at incredible speed,

this free spirit revels
in leading the herd

and nipping at the heels of
the tundra's other occupants.

(cars crashing)

(film rewinding)

Wait a minute.

Is that Battersea Power
Station in the distance?

London's changed.

(cars crashing)

My Buddhist friend Chow Ling tells me

that karma is constantly
swirling around us,

and to put positive
energy out into the world

invites positive energy into your life.

Similarly then, to sneakily
drive outside the lanes

to overtake traffic sometimes mean

you end up inside the hard shoulder

with a sinking feeling.

Lovely sunset.

Someone Instagram it.

(upbeat music)

Sometimes, when you're really in a hurry,

you have to ever-so-slightly disregard

the laws of the road.

(tires screeching)

But that's okay because
doing so always works out

perfectly for everyone involved.


This driver's just
filled his boots at Oink,

the premier, all-you-can-eat
curry restaurant.

They chuck you out after two hours.

(horn honking)

(tires squealing)

But there's nothing stopping you

going straight back in again.

(sad music)

Sometimes the signs that you're doing

something stupid are
right in front of you,

in which case, just mow them down

and poof, they're gone.

And so are you.

(dramatic music)

Why did Batman drive the wrong way

onto a major road and plow
into the central reservation?

Because it was a dark night.

Ha ha ha!

Get it?

"Dark Knight," like the film,
'cause of the Batman symbol.

Oh, you know what?

You lot are Robin me of
my best material here!

(lively music)

All right, you know the rules.

That's right.

There are no rules.

Well, if the local
council can't be bothered

to mark up what is clearly
a very complex junction,

why should we be bothered to follow

even one article from the highway code?


(cars crashing)

Okay, I admit perhaps two
wrongs don't make a right.

(tires screeching)

(car crashing)

(country music)

Well, yee ha, partners.

Welcome to the 14th annual off-road rodeo,

where just like a buckin' bronco,

we see how long these next cowboys

and cowgirls can stay in the saddle

and keep their machines on the road.

(tires squealing)

Will they fill the boots of Billy the Kidd

or be left in the toy box

like Woody from "Toy Story?"

Saddle up and let's ride, folks.

This is off road rodeo.

(upbeat country music)

Our first contender, the young buck

everybody's excited about,
Floyd William Jefferson IV,

only nine years old and already

an accomplished raccoon whisperer.

Mother of Mary's moonshine,
an amazing 11 1/2 seconds.

Afraid it's back to the
raccoon ranch for Floyd.

Next, we're onboard
with the lady's champion

Mercedes Lexus Buckshot.

Ooh my, she's lookin' hot tonight.

Like Mama used to say, you can't beat

stonewashed denim hot
pants and big ole hat.

And she's been married to
her brother for 13 years now.

Whoa, whoa there.

Looks like she's strugglin' with her grip.

Can she hold it?
(tires screeching)

Go on, girl.


21 seconds.

(country music)

Up next is my very own
cousin Chester Boxcutter,

and, ooh boy, is Chester traveling fast.

Of course, he learnt to drive at pace

whilst on the run from the police

for six months after he
tried to marry his own dog.

Sadly, when he got outta jail,

the dog had eloped with his brother.

But that's behind him now,

and he's on the straight and narrow

and focusing on his new
business selling moonshine

to Mexicans and off road rodeo, of course.

And this is a great, great run.

(tires screeching)

Well, barbecue my butt cheeks in Mama's

mustard marinade, 28 seconds.

Good on ya, Chester.

Yeah, you show that good-for-nothin' dog

what she's missin'.

(lively banjo music)

Our final contestant is crowd favorite

Randall Zachary Rodriguez,
notorious for drinkin'

peppercorn sauce and bein' the hairdresser

of the man that assassinated
John F. Kennedy.

And it's lookin' good for him so far.

The crowed are a-rootin' and a-tootin',

but, heck, what's this?

Yes, he is outta here!

Looks like lots a people have fallen

off the horse here.

Luckily, he had a soft, snowy landing.

18 short seconds, which
puts him in third place.

So our winner of this rodeo
is every man's favorite,

Mercedes Lexus Buckshot, who goes home

with the trophy and $100 voucher

to spend at Dr. Denim's Jean Emporium.

(tires squealing)

Okay, folks, see ya next time.

Yee ha!

(tires squealing)

(car crashing)

(dramatic music)

That's good footage.

Going to really help
with the insurance claim.

Anyway, buses and lorries get a bad rap

by road users, but
they're a walk in the park

compared to trams.

Known as the snaking, sturdy silencers,

they are a law unto themselves out there.

It's full-on war when these behemoths

of the tracks trundle
around inspiring fear

in the hardiest of travelers.

They are dragons, and to cross one's path

is to get burnt.

Welcome to the fantasy world of trams!

(melancholy music)

When traversing Middle Earth,

it is important to keep your eyes peeled.

The mighty tram is agile and can dart

out of hiding to bite
(horn honking)

a brave warrior from the side.

(tram crashing)

Legend tells of a particular tram

that leaves its tracks in the sky.

So as weary wanderers
are cautiously gazing

at the heavens, it can surprise
them from ground level.

Fiendish trickery, indeed!

(light music)

Trams do not just prey on the weak.

They are ferociously brave creatures

and will often go head-to-head with other

gargantuan beasts to prove
that all should fear them.

Naught point naught nine P for Pacchio?


The bravest of knights have spun yarns,

for to kill a tram, you must first

stalk it from its blind spot,

waiting for it to be weakened

by another ferocious terror.

Now, Sir Mixalot, strike!

(vehicles crashing)

(tires squealing)

In the snowy plains of Winterfell,

trams have evolved scales that can blend

with their surroundings, making them

almost impossible to see amidst

the snow-covered landscape.

Another knight of the realm is dismounted.

A lovely snow scene.

That's this year's Christmas card sorted.

Above all else, it is
important to remember

that the tram is a
headstrong and noble creature

that will stick to its course,

even if that course is
directly into your flank.

(gentle music)

Many a traveler has heard the tales

at the local tavern, but to look into

the bright, gleaming eyes of a tram

is to seal your fate.

Transfixed, you can do nought but await

your inevitable demise.

(vehicles crashing)

These two knights barely survived

to tell their story around the campfire.

They were set to continue on their way,

but look, they've been good enough

to get out and check that
the noble beast is okay.

And remember, it's important
after any collision

with a tram, to light up immediately.

(tires squealing)

(car crashing)

(tires squealing)

Still to come on "Car Crash TV"

(horn honking)

We give thanks to the motoring gods

for creating the Lada.

(light music)

And we learn that snow plus
road equals repair bill.

But first, check out
the framing on this shot

and ask yourself what happens next.

It's sure to hook you in.

(tires squealing)

(glass breaking)

(gentle music)

Welcome back to "Car Crash TV."

So did you work out what happens next?

Well, you've seen the Liam
Neeson classic "Taken," right?

Good film.

Well, this is the next
sequel in the series,

"Taken 4," though this
time, it's not Liam's

daughter the bad guys are after,

it's his transit van.

And they've got it too!

Oh, the humanity.

It's going to take a very special

set of skills to get that back.

(tires squealing)

(engine revving)

(upbeat music)

The Lada is a dying breed, my friends.

Once a popular and much-loved make of car

across Europe, it is now
an endangered species,

and only rare, exotic
encounters are possible.

Fortunately, we collected
some of those sightings

for you to watch, which we think

go some way to explaining why

the beloved Lada is dying off.

In much the same way a lemming

is compelled to jump from a cliff,

the Lada seems drawn to danger.

Some scientists think they can be saved,

but to that I say, what a Lada rubbish.

(gentle music)

The first thing we notice about Ladas

is that they're notoriously
late for everything

and always in a rush.

(car crashes)

In a rush to get totaled
by other cars, that is.

Unlike other cars, the Lada never

appealed to the best brakers out there,

and this means everywhere they go,

they run headfirst into trouble.

(car crashes)

(light music)

Ladas are known as warm-weather creatures,

and never developed the skills needed

to survive the long cold winter months.

They become dizzy and
disorientated in low temperatures,

and this often causes them to lose their

sense of direction.

(tires screeching)

(cars crashing)

Some of their species
became bigger and stronger,

but this misplaced confidence meant

they often took on creatures much bigger

than themselves,
(horn honking)

often resulting in premature death.

Look at this poor specimen, all burnt out.

(light music)

The humble Lada is use
to more urban terrain,

and as soon as they venture
out of their natural

habitat, they often end up rutting horns

with wild beasts that
can easily beat them.

The humble Lada is a lot like deer.

When faced with bright headlights,

they stop dead in their tracks

until their inevitable end.

(car crashes)

Aw, poor little thing.

(gentle music)

With terrible coordination, the Lada can

find itself running into
all sorts of trouble,

as it tries to run along with the herd,

whether the trouble in question

is the side of a bus or the side

of an oncoming four-by-four.

(cars crash)

It's also a little-known fact

that the Lada has poor nocturnal eyesight,

as you can see in this clip.

(tires screeching)

This one should never have left the safety

of its garage burrow to risk a night feed.

Even mating is fraught with perils,

as this red-breasted Lada tries

to impress a larger red-breasted species

with a display of dominance.

It probably wasn't expecting to be

knocked out of the way
and dismissed so easily.

Without breeding, there is simply no hope.

(gentle music)

When encountering a family of Lada

out in the wild, the mother will often try

to protect her young from any predators

by nipping at them in an attempt

to lead them away from the nest.

With a sudden flutter,
(horn honking)

she gets the oncoming predator's attention

and bravely sacrifices herself

to protect her offspring.


(tires squealing)

(engine revving)

(dramatic music)

Often in life, you're
presented with two options:

one good, rump steak, for example,

one bad, that would be tofu.

I mean, really.

What's the point of tofu?

It tastes of nothing,

and the texture's weird.

Does anyone actually
walk into a restaurant

and say, "Oh, I know, I'd like
to order the tofu, please?"

Of course they don't!

Take it off the menu and
never darken my door again!

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Where was I?

Yes, options, good or
bad, positive or negative,

and as far as this show
is concerned, hit or miss.

Yes, you know the score.

We freeze the action when an
accident's about to occur.

Or is it?

That there, friends, is your option.

Hit or miss?

(light music)

Uh oh, a tram crossing.

This possibly can't end well.

Or can it?

(buzzer buzzes)

Will the black SUV hit this tram?

This signal, on red, like the one facing

the other way that was
clearly telling him to stop,

this pedestrian in the rather

fetching mustard leggings,

or will he stomp on the accelerator,

keep his hands on the wheel and miss?

(gentle music)

And it's a hit!

He deserved one.

Never play chicken with a tram.

Okay, let's take a look
at our next offering.

And before we carry on,
is that the chocolate

house from the Hansel and Gretel story?

(horn honking)

And this one appears to
be pretty cut and dry.

Will our driver bump the bloke

who's jumped the junction,

hit one of those vibrant yellow bollards,

or miss and continue on to live

a life of fulfillment and prosperity?

(horn honking)

Another hit!

And as well as a new bumper,

I think our friend
might need a new camera.

Uh oh, someone's about to have
their Sunday drive ruined.

But will this swerving simpleton

hit the car he's trying to overtake badly?

Will he hit the car we're on board with?

Perhaps he'll hit one of the beautiful

deciduous trees all around us,

or maybe he'll miss.

Let's find out, shall we?

(gentle music)

(horn honking)

(tires screeching)
And it's a miss.


Let's see that again.

(horn honking)

Incredible driving.

Now someone take away his license.

(upbeat music)

Well done if you got them all right,

and remember, make sure you tune in

next time for more Hit or Miss.

(tires squealing)

(car crashing)

(light music)

People say that beauty is only skin deep,

and as a man who once witnessed

his wife undergo a colonic irrigation,

I can confirm this is 100% true.

And the same rule applies
for motor vehicles.

It doesn't matter how swanky a car is.

If it's being driven by a total imbecile,

the ugliness will always leak out.

So put on your gloves and aprons

because here comes an unstoppable flow

of cruddy crashes, where wonderful wheels

are betrayed by their pitiful pilots.

Just relax.

It'll all be over before you know it.

This is nice car, shame about the driver.

(lively music)

Ah, nice car, shame about the driver.

It's a bit like a nature documentary,

but instead of owls, we just follow jerks.

Now, if you look very closely,

there's our first jerk.

And he'll be jerking 200,000 rubles

out of his jerk pocket for that one.

In fact, we've got two nice cars here,

so we'll double the damage.


The problem I find with
these big posh cars

is that, often, they're
just too wide to park.

Now there's a solution, and cheap too,

at 150,000 rubles.

(bell dings)

(cheerful music)

And it's not just wits these swankers

in their swanky cars have to worry about.

A lot of them are too long.

Just a trim, please.

That's a 240,000 ruble haircut,

which is daylight robbery.

Luckily, the rozzers are here.

(siren blaring)

(gentle music)

Back to our jerk documentary now,

where our specialist jerk watch cameras

have spotted a fully grown jerk

getting very close to nature.

Yup, that's 350,000 you're
coughing up, Attenborough,

and also eight rubles
for a new pair of undies.

(upbeat music)

Now, I'm not sure what
sort of car this is.

Let's take a closer look.

Yes, it's a BMW.

To be honest, I should've
been able to tell

from the stench of arrogance.

Have a 50,000 ruble bill,

you horrible little slug.

(upbeat music)

Wow, look how shiny that car is.

You could eat your dinner off it.

(horn honking)

If your dinner was 200,000 rubles of shame

sausages and chump chips, that is.

Swallow that, you swish berk!

(light music)

Well, it's been another expensive edition,

and our drivers' ineptitude have cost

them a grand total of 1,390,008 rubles.


(horn honking)

(lively music)

(whistle blowing)