Car Crash TV (2015-…): Season 2, Episode 15 - Episode #2.15 - full transcript

We celebrate the drivers who crash without any assistance in My Own Worst Enemy and give thanks to the motoring gods for ensuring vehicles remain intact following some Close Encounters.

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Everyday more and more road users

are filming their journeys

which can often end in disaster.

(explosion)

Pioneered by motorists in
Russia and Eastern Europe,

dashboard-mounted cameras are constantly

recording our behavior on the roads.

(horn blares)

From the bizarre,

to the ridiculous,

(dog barks)



the funny
(geese honk)

(cars crash)
(horn blares)

to the downright dangerous

the thousands and thousands of dash cams

around the world have captured

just about every mishap

you can think of.
(horse whinnies)

Now we're going to delve into this

treasure trove of stupidity on the roads.

Put things right by pointing
the finger of blame.

Replay the action to see
what really happened.

(horse whinnies)

(tires screech)

And of course, there's nothing like



seeing other people's mistakes

when it comes to helping
us become better drivers.

And please remember on all the clips,

yes that's all the clips we show,

no one, and that means
no one is seriously hurt,

so drive safely,

not everyone is this lucky.

(car skids and crashes)

(lively harmonica music)
(tires screech)

Coming up on this episode of Car Crash TV

(tires screech)
more calamitous crashes

from the roads of Russia
and Eastern Europe.

That, had they happened in Britain,

would have resulted in the following

contraventions of our
beloved Highway Code.

Article 133, if you need to change lane,

use your mirrors to make sure

you will not force another road user

to change course or speed.

Article 147,

(horn blaring)
be careful and considerate

to all types of road users.

(upbeat music)

(tires screech)

Article 149, You must
exercise proper control

of your vehicle at all times.

The one about no high speed U turns

on the wrong side of the road.

And from chapter one of

Using My Mind: My Guide to Telekinesis,

start big.

(tires screech)
(lively harmonica music)

(car skids and crashes)

(horns blare)
There are plenty of

absolute loons on our roads

causing chaos and mustering madness

upon unsuspecting
bystanders wherever they go.

However some motorists don't
need any outside forces

to give themselves grief.

Oh no, this rare breed of road wally

need no help when it comes to

racking up points on their license.

Let's take a gander at the lone wolves

of motoring mishaps as
they scream their motto

and plow head first into bedlam.

I'm my own worst enemy.

(upbeat music)

Knowing whether to stay on a motorway

or take the next junction

because you misplaced your map

and forgot whether it's the right turnoff

or not is a nightmare.

This chap has an idea,

just do both!
(car crashes)

Stopping at a pedestrian
crossing should be

second-nature to drivers,

but some people need a little help

in doing so.
(horn blares)

A novel use for the humble lamp post,

but it worked to treat
I think you'll agree.

If you're feeling tired on the motorway,

it's important to pull over somewhere safe

on the side of the road,

and take a short nap to
top up your energy levels.

(horn beeps)
(tires screech)

(car crashes)

Do you think they have

a Gregg's at these services?

(upbeat music)

I'm not saying that driving is easy,

what I am saying is that
driving as badly as this clown

is really, really hard.

(car crashes)

That's the thing about parked cars,

they tend not to move.

Word to the wise now,

playing food truck roulette
is a dangerous game.

The wrong choice could lead to
an emergency bathroom break.

(cars crashing)

This chap gambled on a couple of

foot-long hotdogs for his lunch,

and he's paid the price,

as his car, his trousers, and his dignity.

For the some clips you see,

and then ask yourself,

why did you do that?

Act of God?

Moment of madness?

For kicks?

(car crashes)

Sadly, we'll never know.

(car skids and crashes)

When I'm not delivering
note perfect safety tips,

I like to do a little bit
of sleuthing on the side.

Like all great detectives though,

I require a Dr. Watson to my Holmes,

a Lewis to my Morse,

a Penfold to my Danger Mouse.

In short, I need help,

because I'm a terrible,
terrible detective.

So please viewers, won't
you help me unravel

this utterly perplexing
Crash Scene Investigation?

(car crashes)

Three persons of interest
are at the scene,

but which one of these
is the guilty party?

Is it A, the white car

with the shifty looking gentlemen exiting?

Is it B, the red car
hiding in the background?

Or is it C, the white estate

that appears to be sporting

some modern art on the side?

Let's solve this one together, friends.

(horns honking)
(tires screeching)

(cars crash)

It was A,

the white car who clearly
ran the red light.

And there goes our shifty friend.

Wow, talk about leaving
the scene in a hurry!

(police sirens)
And here's why,

the police are on his tail,

and we've stumbled across
a real life crime scene.

(tape rewinds)
Yes,

you leave in a hurry

when you've committed grand theft auto.

And look, car C was already
damaged before the crash.

And finally, and most importantly,

50 percent off!

(upbeat drum music)

(car skids and crashes)

(eerie music)

Space, time, an endless
and infinite expanse

amongst which lie all sorts
of undiscovered sights

and unknown possibilities.
(horn blares)

Alien life, black holes,
alternative dimensions,

and an absolute pillar
driving at 80 miles per hour

around a blind bend towards you.

Life is full of wonders,

and this lot of clips will
certainly make you wonder

how they ever passed their driving tests.

Get ready for some Close Encounters!

Some psychologists believe that

space is only a figment
of our imagination,

and clearly this bloke
imagined that two lanes

can happily accommodate three cars.

That's enough to put
anyone into a dizzy spin.

Abductions always seem to happen at night.

One minute you're driving along,

minding your own business,

the next an unseen force is
dragging a truck off the road.

Spooky!

Alien abductions can happen at any time.

The car in front could be
suddenly pulled from it's course

and thrust towards unknown destruction.

(eerie music)
(tires screech)

As you explore the unknown,

you must always be ready

for the unexpected to cross your path.

Some things are just best left unmet.

The most common stories of
contact with another life form,

is of a dark road,

a sudden shudder that
brings you to a standstill

and then a bright light,

illuminating you and your
vehicle before ascension.

Nice of this alien to send us

their spaceship's footage
from the planet Kabkam QS3.

Occasionally, to disable
vehicles prior to abduction,

aliens will pump strange
gas across the road.

(tires screech)

Works every time.

If an unknown entity tries to
flag you down on your travels

by waving directly in front of you,

sometimes you have to be weary

that it might be a trap

and simply bypass them instead.

Every man for himself, don't you know?

Skeptics don't believe other
life forms have visited us.

But why?

What other force could
possibly have made this driver

veer out of his lane?

Others may try and cloud our vision,

knock us off course and even end

our exploration prematurely.

Just remember this handy phrase,

take me to your mechanic.

(car skids and crashes)

(upbeat music)
Still to come on Car Crash TV,

someone sticks his leg out of a car,

and others keep them firmly on the pedals,

as we take to the dance
floor for another addition of

Strictly Car Crashing.

But first, as we take a leisurely drive

in the countryside,

we ask the question,

what happens next?

I see a big exit coming up!

(car skids and crashes)

(upbeat music)

Welcome back to Car Crash TV,

so what exactly did happen next?

Well, that's my car,

and that's my friend, Gerald.

(tires screech)

Janet, will you please stop

touching his leg inappropriately

when you give him a lift home?

I've told you he doesn't like it.

Sorry, Gerald.

(engine revving)
(tires screeching)

Fluffy dice are a lot
like nuclear weapons,

they seemed like a fun
idea until the '80s.

But ever since the invention of the car,

we've felt the need to
decorate them with tact,

from pictures, to mascots, to,

well any old junk really.

Yes, for some people,

the dashboard is a mantle piece.

A place to show off your finery,

display your trinkets,

and let other road users know

you're a total maniac who
should not be approached.

So come join me for a
crusade through curious,

as we take a look at a rogue's gallery

of the best dashboard ornaments.

They say kid's TV
shouldn't be politicized,

but you tell that to
Huxley the Communist Hippo.

Each week he charmingly campaigns

that all soft toys are equal,

while having pleasant
adventures in the snow.

And yes, even the car crash action

is suitable for children.
(horn blares)

Politics, and stuffed animals,

a heady mix!

You've hear of nodding dogs,

well this is the shaking head sunflower,

designed specifically to answer
kids' pressing questions.

Is it going to be sunny today?

Tomorrow?

Ever?
(tires screech)

Will they be able to afford
their repair bill? No!

Oh, now I like this little green fellow.

Another kid's TV character,

this is Simian the Super Monkey.

The world's first and
only monkey superhero.

His special powers?

Well he can read minds,

he can fly,

and throw his poo at criminals very hard.

(horns blaring)
and that third

super power may

sound ridiculous,
(car crashes)

but you try and rob a bank
whilst covered in monkey poo.

No one takes you seriously,

they just sit there making
jokes about big deposits.

(upbeat music)

Ah, the dangling cross,

a popular choice amongst those

who want to be protected by their faith

while on the road.

(car crashes)

Hmm, this one may be faulty I'm afraid.

Oh I like this, funky dashboard snow.

Wobbles in time to the music,

and isn't remotely distracting.

(cars crash)

Welcome to Ukraine!

Please drive caref--

Oh, forget it, you're embarrassing.

Now this is rare!

The lesser spotted dash lizard.

Lizards are cold- blooded,

so have to bask in the
sun to warm up each day.

The dash lizard prefers to
just sit on your air vent,

making snarky comments
about other road users.

Nah, look at those ridiculous jay-walkers,

you raw dogs!

Time for another episode of
Huxley the Communist Hippo.

This week he's transporting.

Yes, let's celebrate the safest
form of public transport,

bar none.

(car crashes)

Huxley, you spoke too soon.

(engine revs)
(tires screech)

Crashing a car is a lot
like dancing with a lady,

last time I tried it,

I took a painful hit to my crumple zone.

(metal clanging)

That aside, there's a certain
beauty to life on the road,

lines, swoops, spins, and loops,

that you might not expect from
the behemoths of the road.

To prove it, I've dug
deep into my clip bank

and picked out the most stylish of slams

and rated them out of ten.

So pop on your pumps and
hitch up your hemlines,

and don't let Revel Horwood
dump diatribes on these dancers,

because it's time for
Strictly Car Crashing!

(upbeat drum music)

Good evening dance fans!

We start with a samba,

which is great, because
I love a Brazilian!

Calm down ladies,

I'm talking about charcoal barbecue steak.

It's a wonderful solo spot falter,

into a whisk,

that is a textbook contra botafogo.

Oh, samba- dy stop him.

Eight!

Next up, we have the American Smooth.

(tires screeching)

Oh yes now that is smooth!

But sometimes there can
be a little bit too much

oh in a performance.

Six!

What we have here is a modern retelling

of the story of Cinderella,

set not in an enchanted kingdom,

but on a jeweled carriageway.

And in this fairytale, our princess

doesn't lose her glass slipper,

but her rusty hubcap.

Not quite the magical re
imagining I was hoping for.

Five.

Yes, a lot of nerves on
the dance floor tonight.

If he wants to win,

he has to keep this foxtrot tight.

Basic forward, promanide step,

and fox my trot!

Fox my trot till it hurts!

That was good! Eight!

And we finish with a real
crowd favorite, the jive.

Mooch in for the kiss and
lovely double windmills!

Yes, those are some of the
sexist windmills I've seen,

but you can have too much of a good thing.

And now we're jitterbugging.

It's a nine!

And they are tonight's champs!

Wonderful stuff!

And that's all from
the ballroom this week.

Keep crashing!

(car skids and crashes)

The Buddhists believe that we are all one,

joined mind and body
by the universal power

of love and a shared consciousness.

I love that idea,

but I've also driven along
a motorway late at night.

And if we shared a consciousness,

why on earth have I been
cut up so many times

by morons who've almost
miss their junction?

Try to breathe, keep a zen state of mind,

and focus on positive thoughts

whilst we meditate on
some Mindless Merging.

Filtering into dense traffic

is a nightmare during rush hour.

This guy's advice is simple,

if you can't find a suitable space,

just create one,
(car crashes)

and those around you will
simply fall into place.

Mindfulness is a mental state

achieved by focusing one's awareness

on the present moment,

whilst calmly acknowledging
and accepting feelings,

thoughts, and bodily sensations.

If you have a big car,

you might have small man syndrome,

so does that mean small cars
have big ideas syndrome?

Because this one is not big,

and definitely not clever.

Success in yoga is about

squeezing your body into unusual positions

with little or no effect on anyone else.

Making mindfulness a
frequent aspect of your life

requires training and a lot of practice.

If you're motivated,

a fresh perspective can begin to emerge

and extend to the whole of your life.

(car crashes)

when stuck between two lorries
on a snow- lined highway,

just keep calm,

and everything will be fine.

(car crashes)

This driver's just seen that

Botma's on sale for 179,

and at that price,

he's eager to snap some up,

even at the expense of his car

and the cars of others.

And remember, if all gets too much,

just pull over, take a
deep breath, and relax.

(horns blaring)
(car crashing)

(engine revving)
(car crashing)

(ominous music)

When I was a little lad,

my mother always told me not to worry

about things that go bump in the night.

(car crashes)

Then again, she didn't say anything about

what goes swerve, skid, bump, smash,

and crunch in the night.
(car crashes)

Understandably, as an adult
I'm more worried about it,

because it usually means

my insurance premium is going to go up

as I can't actually see anything,

and the roads are full of drunks

and people more concerned

with eating a kebab than indicating.

Let's get serious about this,

Night Time Nonsense.

I once had a dream

and it was a dark, dark night,

driving along a dark, dark route,

on a dark, dark road,

when a dark, dark car

skidded,

hit the barrier, did a full 360,

then spun straight into me.

At least I think it was a dream.

(crunching)

I'm partial to a handful

of some pretty twisted late night snacks

when I'm waiting at a junction.

Love a bit of monster
munch, or some quavers,

(crashes)

Hmm... now I fancy some frazzles.

If you're in a horror movie,

and trying to escape a psychopath,

a bicycle is a pretty good getaway,

unless of course the
psychopath in question

is behind the wheel of a car.

That's right son,

beware my windscreen wipers of terror!

(blades screech)

(ominous music)

Look at those coordinates,

if I'm not mistaken, this is Route 666,

where the Devil's doings are commonplace.

Drive this road with caution.

A lot of those scaredy movies

happen at holiday camps out in the woods

when a coachload of
high school kids arrive.

Serial killers have been
saving on time and petrol money

by trying to just take out

the entire coach on the way instead.

Murderers have to balance their books too,

don't you know?

I know it's dark,

but those lights are clearly on green,

which means the trams must be on red.

(crashes)

At least that's my understanding
of how these signals work.

(car revs and crashes)

If everything in life was certain,

it wouldn't be worth living,

am I right?

We all need a bit of the unexpected

to come our way every now and then,

to break up the monotony
and mundane certainty

of the daily grind.

Thank goodness for this next lot of clips,

that capture the strange, the spooky,

and the downright silly
from the world of motoring.

It's not that I would've liked to have

witnessed any of this
first hand, you understand,

its just that I'm glad someone else

with a camera in their car did capture

the Weird and Wonderful.

The good thing about having

a traffic policeman at a busy junction

is that it can make
motorists lives easier.

Don't underestimate
the commanding presence

of a high vis vest,

and a stroke hand gesture.

Do underestimate his ability
to multitask, however.

Well at least he's a police officer,

so he'll be the first on the scene

to lend a hand and acknowledge
his mistake, right?

Wrong. Apparently he has just
very rapidly found himself

off duty and needed elsewhere.

Thanks for all you've done, officer!

People talk about the second
coming of Christ all the time.

When will it happen?

Where will He show up
and how will He look?

Well wonder no more my friends,

because here He is pulling
his signature pose,

hair basically looks the same,

the shell suit is a bit
of an image change though.

I hate waiting for ages at traffic lights

as much as the next driver,

but this is just ridiculous.

(Tape rewinds)
Seriously,

what is going on here?

We could debate this all
day and be none the wiser.

If you have any thoughts, do share them.

On the subject of mystery clips,

I've been watching this one for weeks too.

She seems perfectly calm for someone

who's seemingly been abandoned
at the side of the road.

And then she just gives up and walks away.

Can someone help me explain this madness?

Petrol prices seem to be
going up and up every day.

And in this garage, they're
changing every second.

This brave soul is
staging a sitting protest

outside his local petrol station,

and I for one am with him!

You're a hero, kid!

And I salute you!

Let me know if you want me

to bring you a cushion on the way back!

(exciting music)