Canterbury Tales (2003): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Sea Captain's Tale - full transcript

(Lively Indian music)

Hai ram, so small?

And so fat?

Jetender will go mad.

Don't be stupid.
And hurry up before everyone leaves.

- He hates me being taller than him!
- No, he doesn't.

Yes, he does.

And who says my little sister-in-law
is useless in the kitchen?

- Fantastic!
- How sweet!

Come on, everyone!
Cake, cake, cake, cake, cake!

(Applause)



Oh!

- They didn't make any feet for you?
- It's a new baker, very unreliable.

Speech! Speech!

Speech!

- Speech!
- OK, OK.

Erm...

I would just like to say...

- I love Meena very much...
- Aw!

- ..and always will do.
- Aw!

Mm... Now Meena will carry on.

Jetender!

When I first met Jetender, he was not
as much of a coward as he is now.

In fact, he was quite a hero.

He strode over



and asked me how much I'd paid
for the jewellery I was wearing.

Of course, I told him in pounds
and rupees and he was so impressed.

The next day, he sent me flowers.

And the next.

Until I had to say,
"Stop, please! Send me meat."

I was pretty shod of cash
and I really needed a good meal.

Isn't that right, Jet?

(Jet) I told you, didn't I?

When it comes to moving money
from India to England,

I can make everyone else
look like monkeys.

Monkeys? Tortoises!

Tortoises, exactly!

So, I would be very happy
for you to transfer my savings

from Patiala
to our lovely Gravesend, ASAP.

- First, you have to do me a favour.
- Anything for you.

Give the old lady
your builders for a few hours.

The old lady?

Your neighbour, Romi.

Romi? What are you doing?

(Whispers) Ssh! Come, come!

Very important business!

She has some work to do in her bathroom,
grouting or tiling, or something.

She's convinced your builders are the best.

So, what's the harm in helping her out?

Sorry, Jet, but tomorrow night's
my big opening and...

I can't delay for her. Time is money.

- You know that.
- Push,

you are from Patiala. I am from Patiala.

- Of course.
- Then you should listen to me!

- You've been in England how many weeks?
- Three.

When you are here longer,
you will realise that this community

is like a large family.

We look after each other.

And, generally speaking,
we don't cause trouble,

because trouble-makers
don't tend to get very far,

if you know what I mean.

You're such a cool cat. How can I say no?

Good.

Ooh! Your husband is so sweet,
always doing things for other people.

- Thanks.
- You should really give him children.

- What's your problem?
-There is no problem.

If he was my husband, I'd be popping them
out like pills from a packet. Pop, pop, pop!

Like bullets from a gun! Pop, pop!
I'd give him 100 children.

(Buzzer)

What's the problem? Are you deaf?

- Why are you here?
- I need to see your husband.

- I want my money - now!
- It's our anniversary night!

- Tough...shit!
- Look... Look, I have these.

And these. Just give me some more time.

I don't want this crap. I want my ten grand.

And you'll get it
by the end of the week, I promise!

I just need a few more days.

Who do you think I am? Mother Teresa?

- Is everything all right?
- Yeah, it's fine.

- Who's that?
- Namaste, Auntie. I'm Dillip.

- I'm here to see Jetender.
- Oh! Come in!

Actually, I can't. You know...business.

- But if I could leave this for Jetender?
- I'll make sure he gets it.

- So you're not staying?
- No, he has to go, don't you?

- Yes.
- OK, bye, then!

- Dillip? Who's this Dillip, Meena?
- No idea.

(Sniffs)

(Sniffs)

(Sighs)

(Buzzer)

Gallant.

That's what you are
for doing what you did last night.

So positively gallant,
I could have kissed you.

What did I do?

You gave me an extension
till the end of the week, of course.

Your capacity
to misread situations is astounding.

- Come on!
- What?

Don't play innocent with me.
I gave you a day, not a week.

OK.

I'll get you £4,200 this afternoon
from the kitty party.

It's my turn to win. It's a dead cert

And the rest
by the end of the week, for definite.

You know,
I was thinking, after last night,

it can't be good
for a marriage to have so many secrets.

For God's sakes, please don't tell him.

You shouldn't be scared
of your own husband.

Shouldn't I?

You have till Friday...
to get me £11,000.

- £10,000!
- £11,000.

If it's not the full amount, I'll make sure

that everyone this side of Bradford knows
that you owe me money.

You're such a bastard.

Oh! And there was I thinking
I was being gallant.

The whole point of an allowance
is that you stick to it.

I do stick to it!

It's just that I need it for my kitty and...

I've spent all my money for this month.

- And therein lies the problem.
- Oh, come on.

Otherwise they'll postpone,
and then...I'II be frustrated!

Then frustration is good for you.
It might teach you some discipline.

Very mature.

What kind of a husband are you?

The kind that gives you a large allowance,
a Mercedes car and a beautiful house.

- Just for being my wife!
- I deserve more!

- You'd just spend it on rubbish!
- Shopping is one of the few pleasures I get!

- You are an addict!
- I love it!

Addict!

- Sorry, Jet, I was just...
- No, don't worry,

Meena was just leaving. Please come in.

(Sighs)

(Cash register rings)

You're new here, aren't you?

Yes.

- Do you know who I am?
- Yes, madam.

He said you should give me
350 from the till.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So, if you don't mind?

It's short notice, only they refuse to do
any more work until they get their money.

- Pushpinder, please shut up!
- Sorry?

Sit down and shut up!

You know what's your problem?

You're too nice.
It doesn't work like that in business.

If you want something,
you come in and take it.

Did I say 350?

Sorry, I actually meant 450.

(Jet) You don't scrub around the floor,

apologising and begging!

Go out and start again.
This time, do it properly.

I need my 15 grand now, please.

I have to pay my builders today,
otherwise I can't open my shop.

Stop, stop! If I want details, I will ask
for them! Explanation makes you weak.

You must come in here and demand.
Now, again.

(Jet) Again!

Give me my money...now.

Bloody hell!

How the hell do you do it?

This.

Shit! Wa!

Everything in here is antique.

And everything
in exchange for money.

Like yours.

No banks, no paperwork,
no expenses. And, strictly speaking,

not illegal...yet.

Hey! Careful!

Now you see...

a real big boy's work.

(J‘ Chinese music)

Let's start the kitty!

As you know,
nine of you have already won this year,

so the competition
is between three of you.

So,without further ado,

let Clive decide who is going to take home
the total sum of £4,200 for this month.

Mu...

Me...Mee...

- (Clive) Meesha.
- Oh, congratulations! Well done!

- Thank you! Thank you!
- A toast.

To Meesha. May God help you spend
the money wisely.

Very good. Don't spend it all at once.

- Maybe next time, eh?
- I'm fine! Why should I care?

- Hi, Auntie!
- Pushpinder! Beta...

Why are you never calling me?
Too important to talk to your family?

- I'm sorry, Auntie. I've been busy.
- Have you?

You know,
that boy made his money through drugs.

- Rubbish!
- Oh, it's true!

My sister lives in Patiala
and she knows all about him.

How else do you make
so much money in India, huh?

- Have you got a girlfriend, then?
- Oh, no, no.

I have to earn the money first.
Uh, takeaway for Pushpinder.

- No money, no honey.
- So witty!

- He must be very rich, then?
- Thousands.

All black, all hidden behind the shop front.

Beta, come home for dinner, huh?
I'll make your favourite.

- OK.
- OK, give us a tinkle.

- OK. Bye-bye.
- Bye.

They say he's a very clever boy.

(Gulls crying)

(Ship horn sounding)

Did you polish the mangoes?

Good. Let me see your hands.

Green and red does not go.
Don't you have an iron at home?

It's fantastic! Now get out here
before we freeze our balls off.

I'm coming, I'm coming. Everybody, line up.

And remember - smile!

(Coughs) Hello!

(Clears throat)

I have been involved in the pharmaceutical
business in India for some time now,

which is why I came here

to set up this shop as a means of pursuing
alternative, more traditional...

Monthly allowance - one week early.

How generous!

Minus the 450 you took from work.

And a £100 penalty.

How bloody generous!

(Pushpinder) If you have
any questions or queries, don't hesitate.

Er...and I do sincerely hope
you feel better tonight.

So,without further ado, I declare
Hindu Health well and truly open!

Well done!

It's apple juice!

Come in!

(Lively Indian music)

When you need it, my new bathroom
is just ready...and waiting!

Excuse me. Thank you.

Cheers. Cheers.

Sir, where do you keep the mangoes?
We're running shod.

In the van.

Actually, it's OK. I'll do it.

(Whispers) Can't trust them, can you, Jet?

(Low whistling)

Hello?

- Oh, hello!
- Come here.

- Why?
- Just come.

- What the hell are you doing?
- What do you think?

But...Jetender?

Don't remind me. Ssh!

You... I have to get the mangoes.

Excellent party, son!
You've done so well!

It must be very exciting to have
so much happen to you in one night.

You can handle it, can't you, son?

(Meena) Of course he can.

Does anyone want anything else to drink?

I'm fine.

You just relax! Enjoy yourself!

Take it off. Take it all off.

I've been dreaming about
this moment since we first met.

Are you sure they're not back till tomorrow?

The wedding goes on all day.
It's a shame I'm too sick to go!

Yes, it's a shame. It's a crying shame!

Oh!

Is there anything I can do?

No.

It's just been so long
since I've had such intimacy.

Jetender hasn't touched me for ages.

When we first got married,
we used to have sex three times a day,

everywhere in the house.

Even the airing cupboard.

Now he just puts all that energy
into his work.

He treats me like I'm not there.

He used to be
so caring and strong and reliable.

He'd do anything for me.

Now it's like
he's forgotten about all that.

But you don't want
to know about this, do you?

Oh, I don't mind!

Personally, I think
he treats you like a trophy wife.

Trophy wife?

Mm-hm. Someone to brag about
and show off to his friends.

He even treats me like atrophy son.

You're so clever.

You know, he once bent all my fingers back
and broke my hand.

What the hell for?

I owed some people £1,000.

I was going to pay them
but then he found out.

If he ever hurt you in front of me,
I'd beat his brains out.

That's very sweet.

Come!

What?

There's something I want to show you.

J‘ I'm too sexy for your wife,
too sexy for your life... J‘

(Meena) He never buys me jewellery.

My sister-in-law tells him
it's a waste of money.

So, what am I supposed to do?
I have to keep up appearances.

Look...

How does this look?

(Laughs) Everything looks good on you.

Vena has one just like this.

She got it from Dubai for £4,000
but I only paid £3,000.

I'm in such trouble, Push.

I owe £10,000...£11,000
to a bastard jeweller in town.

When Jetender finds out,
God knows what he'll do!

- He doesn't know?
- No way! He'd take these away from me.

I have property in India, I could sell it
any time but this jeweller is...

like a hungry wolf. He can't wait.

I just need help in the short term,
somebody to get me out of this shit.

Just for a few weeks.

Honestly, Push,
I wouldn't ask unless I really had to.

I just need it until I sell my property.

OK.

I have some money left over from my shop
and I could help you out.

Only, what's in it for me?

Well, of course, I'll pay you back as soon as
I can. I'll try to cover the interest...

That's not what I'm talking about.

What, then?

I mean...what's in it for me?

Oh! Oh, I see!

I'm sure we could son something out.

Something...special.

Something...very special.

On a regular basis?

On a very regular basis.

I just need it for a few months.

No problem, yaar.

I've always said, money transfer,
money lending, whatever you want.

- Not for me, thanks.
- Come on, Pushia.

No, I'm fine, thank you.

So, how much?

£11,000.

OK. For what?

Home improvements.
I need to smarten up.

Buy a new bed,
make my flat more domestic.

I can't live like a slob all the time.

Home improvements... What's the matter?

You got a girlfriend?

I just want a nice place to live!

OK, sorry, I was just joking!

We have my usual rates of interest,

and you pay me back whenever you can.

I admire you, Push!

When I was your age, all I was interested in
was having sex and screwing around.

You've only been here a few weeks.

You have a shop, a home and
all your money goes in improving yourself.

If I had been like you,
who knows where I would be now?

You'd be ten times richer...
and on your third wife by now.

So?

Someone might see!

Ow!

See you later!

(Buzzer)

(Breathless moaning)

Meena...please...

- What?
- Hang on a second.

OK.

I've had a fantastic time with you
over the past few days

and I love every minute I'm with you.

I don't think I've ever been like this
with anyone before.

So I want this
to be more than just...

- Sex?
- Exactly.

Oh, of course it is, baby!

I think we should make a pledge.

This is something my parents did
when they got engaged.

- Piss off!
- Trust me.

(Gasps)

This is for me,

and this is for you.

Now,

we stick together, no matter what.

You're so sweet.

Such a romantic boy.

Hey! Who are you calling boy?

Don't worry, it's a compliment.

It means you're full of energy,
which is just what I need right now!

Bloody hell, Pushpinder, what's the matter
with you? Have you got worms?

I don't know, Auntie.
Everything tastes so delicious!

- (Door shutting)
- (Jetender) Hello!

(Jetender speaks Hindi)

Ah! Ah!

- Ah!
- Jetender! Hands, hands, hands!

Mmm! Very nice! Did you make this?

- Of course I did!
-Mm...

OK, could you take the plates, please?

(Indian commentator on TV)

You know, Meena,
I was looking at the calendar.

- Yes?
- It's that time of the month.

- What time of the month?
- Well, you know!

The doctor said...

when you and Jetender
should be taking your temperature

and thinking about...

Usha!

Please don't be like that.

- She didn't mean anything by it.
- She did! What business is it of hers?

Ssh! Meena!

You know, we have to keep her involved.

She's my only family and my elder.

Then maybe she should
know that I don't want kids!

- I'm sorry?
- That never occurred to you, did it?

But you do!

We went to the doctor and drew out a chad
and we agreed we should at least start

You agreed, I listened. Now I'm telling you
I don't want children, OK?

Since when?

Since right now. I'm not some trophy wife
who's just a baby machine for you.

I can make choices as well.

A trophy wife?

You wouldn't know what that is, would you?

Please, Meena!

I don't know where
do you get these ideas from?

I love you. Why else would I do all this
for you and give you all these things?

You're such a joke!

Meena...

- Meena... Meena! Where are you going?
- Out!

- Jetender...
- Forget it!

I think she's up to her old tricks.

Bullshit!

(Gasping and groaning)

I feel sick.

Thanks(!)

No, sorry, I just had a huge dinner.
I shouldn't do so much exercise so quickly.

You were amazing.

- (Laughs)
- Much better than Jetender.

In fact, I'd go as far as to say
you're the best I ever had!

Thank you, madam!

So...

have you slept with a lot of men?

Hmm...

at least. . .two?

You and Jetender.

That's one too many for my liking.

- What about you?
- What about me?

How many women have you slept with?

- How many do you think?
- I don't know!

Judging by your prowess,
I'd say at least 100.

50?

10?

What, then?

Including you?

- Bullshit!
- I was waiting for the right woman.

Rubbish!

OK, OK! OK, OK...

OK, I'm lying!

I have, in the past,
had sex with myself as well!

- You are so full of shit!
- Oh!

(Jetender) Push!

Pu-u-u-ush!

What the hell are you doing?

Shit!

You can't be asleep!

- What are you doing?
- My chuddies!

Or maybe you're not alone.

Jet! Hi! How are you?

I'm bloody marvellous here!

Look what I've got...

Oh, that's great!

- He's got three bottles of whisky!
- Ask him what he wants.

What can I do for you, Jet?

You can open the bloody door!
We're going to have a party!

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no, no, no, no! Jet, no!

Why don't I come down and we can go
somewhere? My place is a tip.

OK, just hurry. It's bloody freezing out here.

- Don't let him drive, he's far too drunk.
- Sure.

Make sure you lock up!

(Door slamming)

(Grunts)

Do you want a tea or coffee?

No, I'm fine.

This is a...

16th-century Rajput sword.

You see the tip?

You know...

when maharajahs discovered their ranis
were sleeping around...

then...

Yah!

Shhk!

Like a fish.

You know,
Meena is refusing to give me children.

- Really?
- I give that woman everything!

She can't give me
the only thing I want - a child.

Women nowadays, they're too greedy.

(Bellowing) Hey! Watch it!

That's my wife you're talking about!

Sorry, Jet, no offence.

She wasn't like this before.

When we first got married, she was
so exciting, so full of life and sparkle,

and so impulsive! We used to have sex
in every pan of the house.

Even the airing cupboard.

- Really?
- But now, she...

She just treats me like a banker.

When I refuse her money,
she just sleeps with other men.

Sorry?

It's true. My wife sleeps around.

Rubbish!

She hides it very well but it's true.

Erm...

Who, exactly?

Anyone she finds.

Not now, of course. It was years ago.

She did it for money.

Money?

Idiots would buy her things.

Jewellery, clothes...

Even a car, once.

- Is she still doing it?
- What?

- Sleeping around.
- Of course not!

She wouldn't dare.

The only thing she does now is flirt, flirt, flirt
to make me feel jealous.

You will see her tomorrow at Gulati's.

Excuse me.

(Retches)

Hey...are you all right?

I'm fine.

Too much whisky.

I have to go. Early start tomorrow.

Right, Push.

Everything we talked about,

it's just between you and me.

- Like brothers.
- Like brothers.

(Indian music)

- Jetender!
- Ah, Gulati.

And Meena.

Beautiful as ever!

Ah, Gulati...

you'll be making me jealous.

Sorry, sorry. Come in, come in.

Amsterdam's gone up at least 5%.

- The best returns are in Florida.
- You're looking very sharp tonight.

- Do you have any specifics about India?
- Sorry?

The annual percentage figures for property
development. Around Delhi, for instance.

Well, um...l have no idea.

But I know someone who might. Come...

Excuse me.

Meena, this is Rajan. Rajan, Meena.

Rajan must be the only man in the room
you haven't spoken to tonight.

- Sorry?
- I just thought you might want to meet him.

- So you two could do something together.
- Sure.

OK.

He said you know
annual percentages for the Delhi region.

Not really, no.

- (Whispers) What's going on?
- I thought you should meet a new man.

- There's been so many tonight.
- Are you all right?

- Christ, Push, not here!
- Let's go upstairs for sex!

- No!
- Isn't this what you normally do at parties?

Sorry?

I know. I heard what you get up to.
What am I, your latest bit of fun?

- Who have you been talking to?
- Does it matter?

Don't listen to your Auntie Vena.
She makes rubbish up to fill her days.

Be careful who you trust
in this community, baby.

I know.

(Women talking)

Make us a drink, son.
Gin and orange, large.

I'm sorry,
I hope we're not interrupting something.

No, of course not.

Be careful, son, you'll cause an accident.

Sorry, Auntie.

- Come on, Romi, let's find a seat.
- Yeah... Yes.

Pour me a whisky, yaar.

Make it a double.

(Meena laughing)

I told you, didn't I?

Flirt,flirt,flirt. That's all she does.

I don't watch any more.
The less I see, the less it affects me.

I just come to get my money.

I can't tell you how much trouble
I'm having tonight. Nobody is paying.

You don't have to worry about me, Jet.

I know that, year.

- You're as solid as an oak.
- Well, that's very kind of you, brother,

but I paid it back.
I gave it to your wife. The full 11,000.

- You gave it to my wife?
- Yes. £11,000. Cash. No receipt.

- Why the hell did you do that?
- She asked me to.

She owed money to some jeweller's
and she wanted me to help her out.

- What jeweller's?
- Some people she bought a necklace from.

- Obviously she didn't tell you.
- Obviously not!

Excuse me!

Why did you take
the money from Pushpinder?

Why didn't you tell me?

- Why are you shouting?
- Why didn't you tell me?

I don't want to speak to you here!

- Tell me.
- No!

- Tell me!
- No!

Come here and tell me
what the hell is going on!

You keep away from me!

I'm warning you, Jetender!

Don't you dare touch me!

Did you have a nice time?

Fine!

- Meena?
- Good night!

(Alarm beeping)

Meena!

What the hell are you...?

Good bye.

(Tyres squealing)

- Rubbish!
- I saw the whole thing myself.

Turning up late at night,
smashing up his shop and coming out

looking like some madwoman.

My two little friends never miss a trick.

Why would Meena do something like that?

I don't know.

Maybe it's a crime of passion...
or even sex.

- What exactly do you mean?
- Just that.

These two have seen a lot recently.

- What do you want?
- What do you think?

Your debt with me is now cleared.

But...if, by whatever means,
accident or on purpose,

anyone should ever come to know

about this little incident
between my wife and Pushpinder,

then I will give you a lot more
than a new bathroom.

- Do you understand?
- Yes, sahib.

Now, get out of here
and don't ever come back!

OK, sahib.

No!

Aaaargh!

How does that feel, brother?

You think you can play with me? Do you?

I'm sorry. Please, Jet, sahib...

You close up this dump
and go back to where you belong.

And leave us all alone, OK?

Otherwise I will feed you this blade till
it comes out the other end. Understand?

Understand.

(Car door slamming)

(Ignition firing and car driving away)

..has such a sweet taste!

How are you?

Fine.

Meena's made matar paneer for dinner.

Good.

I hear Pushpinder is
closing up his shop.

He's going back to India.

So soon? Well, he didn't last very long!

Hm...