Canterbury Tales (2003): Season 1, Episode 5 - The Pardoner's Tale - full transcript

( What A Wonderful World)

I see trees of green

Red roses too

I see them bloom

For me and you

And I think to myself

Ah, what a wonderful world

"This royal throne of kings,

"this sceptered isle,

"This earth of majesty,

"this seat of Mars, this other Eden,



"Demi-paradise,

"This fortress built by nature for herself

"Against infection and the hand of war,

"This happy breed of men,

"this little world,

"This precious stone set in the silver sea,

"Which serves it in the office of a wall,

"Or as a moat defensive to a house,

"Against the envy of less happier lands,

"This blessed plot, this earth,

"this realm,

"this England,

"This nurse,
this teeming womb of royal kings,

"Feared by their breed
and famous by their bir1h,



"Renowned for their deeds
as far from home..."

I'm here to help you, OK?

Whatever you want to do.
If you want to go in, we go in. If you don't...

The thing is, with this girl missing,
it's about time we...

- Are you their family liaison officer too?
- Yes.

Hearing about this other girl, it's...

Well, it's just we feel...

We wish we could help them
but what comfort could we offer them?

At the moment, they have friends and family
doing all they can. The police are searching.

There's nothing to suggest anything
sinister's happened to their daughter.

She may turn up.

I hope so.

If there is a god,

which there isn't,

but if there is a god and it's that one...

- Our one?
- Your one.

..would he want these temples?

These temples full of Japs and Yanks

with their Instamatic jobbies
dangling round their necks.

What are you, then?

- I'm a nothing, mate.
- Yeah, you said it.

I'll tell you what, though, Arty.

Tell me what, then, Baz?

Thank Christ for the Japs
and the Yanks - rich pickings.

How can anyone seriously be anything...

i-in this world in which we find ourselves?

Say all that again.

No.

(Choir singing)

(Mutters and growls)

All right?

Why's everyone all miserable?

I can't believe another child
has gone missing here in Rochester.

No.

No, I didn't...

- Don't cry, Mum. Please don't cry.
- I'm sorry.

It's brought it all back.

Can't we...? We must go and help.
I must go and...

There's nothing we can do
to make it better again.

I've got to try, Mum.

(Sobbing)

We shouldn't have let her out
without knowing where she was going.

Amy's 16, Viv. It's not always possible...

- We shouldn't have let her out, Ian.
- How could we know?

We know now.

- You think the worst, don't you?
- We don't know anything yet.

The parents... The parents of that girl
who got killed last year...

Hey. Shh-Shh.

I read they've not been back into the house.

They found it difficult
to go back to the way things were.

How can you?

Your face is going all red.

All red, like a...

I'm pushing back the boundaries
of human endurance

but I didn't want to miss
Ready Steady Cook whilst doing it.

His face is going all red like a what, Baz?

- What you're doing stinks worse than...
- Worse than what, Baz?

Worse than roast feet, for a start.

- What are you gawping at, Face?
- I don't know. I lost me zoo book.

- That supposed to be funny?
- Yeah.

When did you learn the truth
about Father Christmas?

- You what?
- Santa Claus.

I can remember where I was
the day Father Christmas died.

Don't be shy, Face.

Beetroot.

Who you calling "Face"?

It's the face that launched
a thousand ships, literally.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- (Both) Ah!
- Arty, what are you doing? You Froot Loop.

Stop pretending you don't know us, Amy.

- I don't know you.
- Yes, you do.

- Excuse me.
- How may I be of assistance, my dear?

We're looking for the lost girl, Amy Healey.

Have you heard
a young girl's gone missing?

- She's a neighbour's daughter.
- No.

- Have you seen anything?
- No.

We're searching everywhere,
trying to scour the town before nightfall.

There's some kids at McDonald's.

We've checked. It's been two days now.

The parents are beside themselves.

We're just...you know, trying to help.

It's an ill wind, my friends.

For all the helpers - getting their teas,
coffees, sandwiches, you know.

We're gonna keep looking all night.

Help us help them find
the missing kid, yeah?

It's my sister's kid.

Think our lives are jogging on
just fine and then, er...

a little gust and the world
is blown off its axis.

I looked into my sister's eyes and
I could see there's nothing behind them...

but horror.

- There you go.
- (Coins clunk)

Thank you.

(Coins rattling)

Here you are, mate.

- How did we do?
- "We"? Oi, Face, bit of respect.

- How much you get?
- About a score.

I told them I was related
to the missing kiddie.

Sucked 'em in
and blew 'em out in little bubbles.

- You shouldn't have done that.
- What?

Told 'em you were related.
It might bring bad luck.

No, I can't think of a word which adequately
captures quite what a plank you are.

So we're divving it, yeah?
We always divvy up.

I'll see you all right.
Just back off till I've counted it.

(Bells ringing)

"This blessed plot, this earth,

"this realm, this England..."

I vote for we just keep collecting.

People love to give.

I might get people to sponsor me
do a charity fun run for the missing kiddie.

She might not be missing by the time...

Well, I'm not really gonna give them
the money, am I, you plank?

People loved me in that pub.

They looked at me
the way I deserve to be looked at.

How's that, then?

I haven't felt that holy
since I sang in the choir...there.

(Choirboys singing)

I'II burn that cathedral down one day
and get on the front page of the paper.

I can imagine your burnt-out phiz
on the front page,

putting people off their cornflakes.

I'm going to be famous one day

for doing something noble.

- I am noble.
- Is that a fact?

"Walter," she said,

looking full upon him
with her affectionate eyes,

"Like you, I hope for better things.

"I will pray for them
and believe that they will arrive."

Walter?

Dombey And Son. Don't worry about it.

People patted me on the back
and treated me with respect. It felt right.

How could it feel right
when we're keeping all the spons?

- All that stuff about being noble.
- (Baz) What do you know?

Don't wait up, fellas.

- Are we waiting here?
- Oh, yes.

What about our share of the spoils?

- Buy yourselves a life.
- It's mine! It's mine!

- Are you following me?
- I thought I recognised you.

In a "What's a nice girl like me
doing in a place like this?" kinda way?

Sorry. What must you think?

Like Icarus to the sun, I just couldn't resist.

Forgive me

and consider my wings well and truly burnt.

- I've been to Crete.
- Have you?

That's where it's set, or whatever - Icarus.

- The myth?
- Exactly.

Icarus and his father were supposed to fly
from Crete to the mainland of Greece.

You are clearly more up
on your myths than I.

- Our tour guide told us.
- Did he?

- She.
- Oh.

And my dad got prickly heat. The doctor
said you only get that during puberty.

- Where are you going?
- I'm looking for the missing girl.

- Yeah, me too.
- I've got to find her.

I was in the party
looking round the cathedral.

They'll call off the search when it's dark
and that's just so...not right.

- Do you know this girl?
- I've got to find her.

Well, maybe, you know, with first light,
when they resume...

- Why?
- Pardon?

Why does there need to be horrible people?

It's tigers and lambs.

And, "When the stars
threw down their spears

"And water'd heaven with their tears:

"Did he smile, his work to see?

"Did he who made the lamb make thee?"

They're the missing girl's parents,
aren't they?

- I've got to go.
- You're not going anywhere...

in this state.

I'm going to look after you, OK?

OK?

- Would you like some wine?
- Shall we?

Was today helpful? Mandy said...

Somehow, I think. Maybe, I don't know...

Helpful. The thing is,
we can never be helped, can we?

- Should we be drinking wine?
- Why not?

I just feel awful, with that other young girl.

Us drinking wine, while she's...

(Laughter)

Did you enjoy that?

You didn't scream, so...

I guess it weren't...

(Northern accent) I loved it, me.

You can take that as a compliment, lass.

I want to be good.

One day, people are going to look at me

and I wanna be able to smell
their admiration.

Wouldn't that be something? Huh?

To be liked.

Imagine if I could do something,

some deed, some act

that would stop mothers weeping
behind their curtains,

fearful of the world their children
are growing up in.

Imagine how good it would feel

to do something so right...

that people loved you.

Imagine going home that famous.

- Arty!
- He called me nasty!

- Come in and sit down.
- Do you think I'm nasty as well, then?

You do nasty things
and we can't understand why.

I won't bother you again, Dad,
until I come back famous.

- For what, though?
- You don't believe me, do you?

I look into your eyes and I can see
I'm not the son you wanted!

You are my son.

I swear by every last drop
of blood in my body

that you will never see me again
until I have made it...

become something.

Death or glory.

That was the Hell's Angels' mantra.

Death or glory.

My father used to run
with the Los Angeles chapter.

Shot dead in a gun fight.

He got his death...

or glory,

and one day,

one day,

I shall be king of the world, Ma.

(Laughter outside)

- What have you been doing?
- Walking about.

(Both giggling)

- What?
- You know the posh Chinky by the theatre?

With the big window
where the powdered fat folk sit and gloat?

I dropped my trousers and pants
and walked in front of it.

You should have seen their faces when
that freak with his tackle dangling about...

This isn't me...

who I should be.

I need you to love me back or I shall...

(Siren)

(Baz) Maybe they found something.
Someone.

You can ease off the training
for the fun run now.

Shut up, you two.

Where you going?

All right, gorgeous?

Did he tell you his dad was a Hell's Angel?

(Laughing)

- He was a teacher.
- He was our teacher.

- Religious education.
- Arty was the disappointment.

We were his worst ever pupils
at Rochester's worst ever school.

- Arty went to the cathedral school.
- And when he got kicked out...

He sparred up with us to annoy his dad.

Left home and crashed on my floor
till Baz burnt the bloody house down.

- You told me to.
- Oh, yeah. Good point, well made.

(Police radios)

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

Get away from my girlfriend!

Actually, Arty, can I have a word?

Have a word?
When did you become royalty?

(Laughs nervously)

What?

Well, put it this way -

don't mind if I do.

- Do what?
- Two's up on the Doris.

You are having a Steffi Graf, aren't you?

- She's my girlfriend, you Iowlifes.
- Come on.

Do you want me to bang your heads
together again?

Then go and make me a cup of tea.

And leave it outside the door.

Do not disturb. I'm on a conference call.

- Do you know this girl?
- Son of.

I knew it.

- What's going on outside?
- I could tell by the way you...

Did they find something?

I don't think so. Maybe...

- No one knows.
- (Sniffs) I've got to go.

Stay.

Was she your mate?

I know...

Know what?

I know who did it.

Did what?

She's dead...Amy.

She's dead and I know who did it.

Who?

Tell me who it is.

- It'll be a pleasure.
- What?

It'll be a pleasure.

You're going to...?

I don't think I could bear
the thought of him doing it again.

How do you know he's killed this girl?

It's happened...

- Before?
- Yeah.

You tell me where he is.

I tell you what, he deserves...

torment.

I'll take you to him.

You can find evil.

You'll be doing the world a service.

Exactly. Exactly.

I will be doing the world a service.

These things, these moments in time,
are meant to happen.

I was meant to find you
and I was meant to do something heroic.

I was meant to do the world a service.

Born to be a king.

(Choirboys) Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelu...

This is my moment.

There's no point in lying down. I won't sleep.

Shall I make you some tea?

(Knock on door)

(Clears throat) Come in.

We're... A couple of officers
will be staying downstairs tonight.

I didn't want you stumbling
across them and worrying.

- Oh, shall I make them up a bed?
- No. They're on duty.

They won't want a bed.

There's been a bit of activity in the woods.
It's just that they've found...

How many pairs of Puma trainers
did Amy have?

- One.
- We found a pair in her PE bag.

We didn't think to look in her PE bag.

So what other trainers
could she have been wearing?

Must have been her Adidas ones.
The ones with the three stripes.

OK.

Would they like a sandwich?

- No.
- We haven't got a lot in the way of spreads.

Is there something happened?

I wish Amy would come home, Mum.

I'll never be cross at her again.

Its...it's not "at" her, it's "with" her.

Do you want to go back
to the house tonight?

Maybe we should try.
Just the two of us, without Mandy.

No. Not tonight.

- Maybe we should just sell it.
- No.

When we were there today,

I could almost see Kitty sitting there,

playing solitaire.

We can't sell it.

It's like she's still there.

(Footsteps crunching on gravel)

Timing.

What? What do you mean?

Life and all its knife-edge...ness.

- It's all timing.
- You reckon?

This is my time,

my moment.

How do we know she ain't making stuff up?

- What?
- She says the kiddie killer's in there

but how do we know?

Do you wanna go home
or do you wanna stay and become famous?

(Choirboys) Hallelujah

"He felt his whole life
was some kind of dream.

"He sometimes wondered whose it was

"and whether they were enjoying it."

- Dickens again?
- Douglas Adams.

Did he live here an' all?

(Ball clunks, cheering and applause)

I've always wanted one.
Signed by the England team.

- What are you doing?
- You got the blade.

You have the blade, then.

- (Viv) Stop saying...
- Pardon?

You just said we're to look after each other.

- It's a waste of breath.
- If I thought that...

I don't know! If smashing my head against
the wall would bring her home, I would!

- Don't be stupid.
- I mean it.

Of course you mean it. Christ,
I'd kill myself if I thought it'd do any good.

If anything's happened to her, I will! Fine!

M-Maybe he's been apprehended,
that's all. Chill.

Well, maybe I don't want him
to be apprehended.

Maybe I don't want him to go to prison
and spend his life doing law degrees

and having books and films wheeled up
to his room with flushing toilets!

Whilst I have to throw buckets of water
down the loo after I take a dump!

Maybe I wanna be judge,
jury and executioner

and go home famous!

(Grunting)

Chill out a bit, Arty.

- What?
- I don't know anything about you.

What do you mean?

- I don't know how you burned your face.
- Oh, yeah, I never even noticed.

- Zip it.
- I don't know anything about either of you.

We're mates. What do you need to know?

Exactly.

Exactly what?

We're mates.

(Low squeak)

Rats.

- I hate rats!
- What are you gonna do? Stab 'em?

I'll do whatever's necessary.

Have a word, Arty.

I'll tell you what, Baz,
I know all I need to know about you.

What's that, then?

All I need to know about you is

that I don't need to know anything
more than I already know about...you. OK?

You are gone in the nut-nut, you.

- Shit.
- What?

- Did I get it?
- There's something down there.

Did I get it? Oh, yes!

- Don't mess!
- What is it?

I need something
to get the floorboards up with.

What's there - a nest of the little buggers?

- Get me something for the floorboards.
- Why can't he?

It is, isn't it?

What?

Arty, what are you doing?!

You couldn't be arsed
to get me a screwdriver.

(Choirboys) Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

( Waltz music)

Come and dance on Daddy's toes.
Come on, babe.

I'll get it valued.
Whatever it is, times it by 24.

Divide by 3. (Laughs)

Why d'you say that?

I was just being fair.

- Do you trust me or don't you trust me?
- I trust you.

Why don't I just take the bag...?

Who is it you know in Rochester
who could value a gold bar for us right now?

- Did I say that I knew...?
- I believe you did, didn't he, Col?

Yeah. You should learn
when to keep your bunny shut.

Don't look at me with that
"He's up to something" look again.

You were right, Arty, this is our time.

I never meant anything, Arty.

You got the other 23 bars.
If anyone's mistrusting, it should be me!

Look, we're in it together,
the three of us. End of.

- I never meant anything, Colin.
- Good.

- I'll get some food while I'm out.
- A few tinnies an' all, eh?

Course. Curry, Baz?

Nice bit of rogan josh, rice and nan?

There you go?
You know him well enough, after all.

And you know I'm a madras man.

Ain't nothing more we need to know
about each other, is there?

(Knock on door)

(Door opens)

(Screams)

Don't you think this is all, I don't know...

unbelievable?

- Well, these things happen.
- But they don't.

These things don't happen.

Well...

Not to me, they don't.

Do you want to know how I burnt my face?

No?

What's all this about? Just cos he said...

You don't know anything about me.
I don't know anything about you.

- I do know some things about you.
- Like what?

You had a sister, who died in that lake
when she was little.

Yeah, well, we've all got things
that have happened to us.

I suppose.

Your mum probably slopped a cup of tea
on your face by mistake

or you pulled the cord on the kettle...

It was a fire in a shop.

There were these presents
in the window display and I'd taken one...

Why are you telling me this, Baz?

- I thought you...
- We don't need all that.

All what?

- Look, we've been mates years, yeah?
- Yeah.

I'm going to New Zealand with my money.

There's no point
getting to know each other now.

I suppose not.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
with my money, to be honest.

Buy a little house somewhere.

Dunno where. I like a bit of beach.

- You can get your face done.
- What do you mean?

Nothing.

(Dog barking)

- Don't start anything, Uncle Ronald.
- I thought... knew it was you.

We're not going to prattle on about
what we've been doing the last ten years.

Not if you don't want to.

What have you been up to?

Tour guide.

You been to see your mum and dad?

I'm just here to offer you
an opportunity to get rich.

- Richer than you ever dreamt.
- Have you got...stolen...?

I'm in business and I have some gold.

- Gold?
- Someone has paid me in...

Gold?

Vast amount.

And I need to move it.

OK.

I'm not gonna go into detail

but one deal with me will set you up for
a thousand lifetimes in this backward...

Rochester.

(Police radio, indistinct)

(TV News theme)

(Woman) 'The body of a young woman
found in woodland near Rochester Castle

'has been identified as that
of missing teenager Amy Healey.

'Amy disappeared just two days ago...’

- That's her.
- It is.

It's that girl.

My Amy.

Oh. Poor, poor thing.

I thought he said a kiddie.
Arty said a kiddie had gone missing.

Exactly.

Oh, Christ, what's he done?

Who?

You know what he's done, don't you?

You know what Arty's done?

'The police are treating her death
as murder...’

- Got a fag?
- Yeah, sure.

Oh, yes - Marlboro Lights.

I think I'm in love.

(Girl) You can't have them all.
(Amy) What are you gonna do about it?

He's only joking.

Actually, you can have them.
I've got to go. I've got more at home.

It's beautiful.

- What are we looking at?
- You've got 24 of these?

I'm a success story.

You need...cash?

- Of course.
- Well...

Don't "Well" me, like I'm some didycoy
off the streets with his swag.

I come here cos I thought I'd look after you.

Do you a treat. Set you up for life.

Dunno why. Call me nostalgic
for a time that maybe never was.

- Who knows?
- I just said, "WeII",Arty. That's all.

Just don't take me for a mug, Uncle Ronald.

I can get you...

£100,000 8 bar.

£2.4 million, Arty.

£2.4 million.

Nice.

Very nice.

When can you get the money?

I'll have to make some telephone calls.

- Tomorrow?
- Tomorrow.

I-I'II have to work hard.

May be OK.

I'll come and get you and take you to it.

(Heavy breathing, sobbing)

Don't cry.

- I-I want to go home.
- I'm sorry about Baz.

I didn't want him touching you
but what could I do?

I've got to go home.

If you say you liked it with me,
I'll try and be gentle.

- Right, you've finished. My turn.
- (Sobbing)

- I thought you said you weren't bothered.
- Now I am bothered. Go away.

But she's gotta be getting back.

Go away, Colin.

(Whimpering)

He's killed her.

He's killed her.

- I'm gonna...
- Oh, we didn't exactly help.

- What?
- Nothing.

You said you weren't bothered.

Oh, do shut up, you big tan.

I wouldn't mind a lager, me.

Then let's go and satiate our thirst.

- What about the girl?
- What about the girl?

Where is she?

Can we just go, Colin, eh, you dozy git?

She's fine. She's just
sorting herself out like ladies do.

Come on, Colin. We don't want
to be having to buy her a drink an' all.

I hate him.

I do. I hate him.

- What we done was bad...
- But we didn't kill her.

She was a kid.

By rights, this gold belongs to us.
He don't deserve any of it.

Why should we share with someone 80...?

All he deserves...

- is a slow, painful...
- And a half is better than a third.

..death.

Hi there. Martin. Have you got my order?

With you in a minute, sir. There you go.

Hurry it up. I'm on a double yellow line,
left the engine running.

(Sobbing)

Why are you crying?

Because... Oh, I don't know.

What do you mean?

I-I don't...

I don't want to be me.

I'd rather be someone else...

anyone else.

(Bell rings)

Arty.

- Oh, Arty.
- What are you doing?

- Arty?
- Come on in, son.

I'm not here to be your pal,
the "Prodigal son returns" baloney.

This is the real world, Daddy.

Come in...please?

I'm here to tell you I'm the success
you said I'd never be.

Arty.

Why don't I feel any pity for you?

- Because you're nasty.
- I'm a success, Dad.

You're looking at £2.4 million-worth
of success.

Arty, we don't want...

(As James Stewart) "What is it you want,
Mary? You want the moon?

"Just say the word, I'll throw a lasso
around it and pull it down for you.

"I'll give you the moon, Mary!"

We'll find buyers, no problem.
Everybody wants gold these days.

It's the only thing that keeps going up.
Property, FTSE, they wobble, but gold...

We could rent a car and get it abroad -
Germany, somewhere like that.

- Why, why Germany?
- They like gold, so I heard.

- He was gonna stitch us up anyway.
- Who?

Arty. He was always gonna stitch us up,
like he always has, always does.

- Probably.
- Probably? Definitely.

If you wanted, I wouldn't mind...

Put it this way...
I've never been to New Zealand.

- We'll see.
- I've nothing to keep me here.

- Me neither.
- After a while, you'll get lonely.

You could probably do with a mate.

Those presents...in the shop...

they were pretend. Full of cotton wool.

I set light to them and they...

Whoosh.

- I really liked her.
- Who?

The girl Amy.

She were really nice.

Lovely curry. One rogan josh,
one king prawn madras.

Hope you're dressed for dinner as I am.

(Grunting, panting)

(Gasping)

He's dead?

- Course he's dead.
- It's just that...

- he don't exactly look...
- Once he closes his eyes...

It's horrible, innit?

- What are you doing?
- He ain't looking at me while I'm eating.

(Thud)

Mm. I'll tell you what.

- What?
- Not bad.

Thought he could have bought
a few beers, though.

You know what he's like.

(Cheering on TV)

I don't...understand...

how anyone could...

do that.

I don't understand...

anything any more.

(Man) I see trees of green

Red roses too

I see them bloom

For me and you

And I think to myself

Ah, what a wonderful world...

(Woman on TV)
'A spokesman for Kent Police

'has announced they have established
a positive link

'between the murder
of 16-year-old Amy Healey

'and the murder last year
of young Kitty Norman.’

The colours of the rainbow

So pretty in the sky

Are also on the faces

Of people going by

I see friends shaking hands

Saying, "How do you do?"

They're really saying

I love you

I hear babies cry

And watch them grow

They'll learn much more

Than I'll ever know

And I think to myself

Ah, what a wonderful world

And I think to myself

(Deep laugh)

What a wonderful

World