Call Me Kat (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 12 - Salsa - full transcript

Okay. One, two, three.

[grunting]

That was a tie
if I've ever seen one.

Not that I can see that far.

-I really shouldn't be driving.
-[chuckles]

Good job.

How 'bout that?
My former crush, Max,

and my boyfriend, Oscar,
getting along like gangbusters.

Hey. Want to try
my homemade salsa?

You just poured it out of a jar.

Hey. Want to try
my home-poured salsa?



[chuckling]

Mm. Speaking of salsa,

do you want to go salsa dancing
with me sometime?

Um, yes!

And be warned...

[chuckles]:
I am a great salsa dancer!

At sleepaway camp,
I had to choose

between salsa and archery,
and I chose salsa,

'cause Hunger Games
hadn't come out yet

and we didn't know
how cool archery could be.

Well, I am excited
to go dancing with you.

I used to go with
my ex-girlfriend all the time.

We had a lot of fun.

I hope that's not weird,
to bring up my ex.



No! Of course not.

Everybody has a past.

I ain't scared of no ghost.
[chuckles]

What do you mean, "ghost"?
She's not dead.

No, she's not.
I have no idea why I said that.

Oh, Katharine.

You found a real winner
with this Oscar.

KAT:
He and I are gonna go
salsa dancing.

Do you remember when I did salsa
at sleepaway camp?

Polka.

No, it was salsa.

It was polka.

I remember the recital.

I had to buy you lederhosen.

Oh.

That's right.

They chafed.
[hisses]

♪

Hey.

I'm about to do a thing

where I keep bugging you
until I get what I want.

So it's just a normal day then?

I got a Groupon
for a beginner salsa class,

and I didn't realize
I have to bring my own partner.

I thought "BYOP" meant
"bring your own paella."

Couple things. Uh, that's
something you should be doing

with your boyfriend, and...

No, it's just the one thing.

Well, I can't ask Oscar.

I'm trying to get good at it
before I go dancing with him.

You can't ask the person
you're trying to impress

to help you impress them.

Max, please?

You'll be fine.
You're a good dancer.

Yeah, but I've never done salsa.

And he used to do it
with his ex-girlfriend,

so, in my mind, it's like she's
challenged me to a dance battle,

which I cannot lose.

I'm really sorry, Kat, but
I'm already a good salsa dancer.

So taking a beginner class
sounds muyboring.

Wait, you salsa?

Mm-hmm. I picked it up
when I was living in Barcelona.

Brigitte and I would hit
the salsa clubs all the time.

We were known
as les meilleurs à la salsa.

Wh-What does that mean?

It means our chemistry
electrified the dance floor

and people would stare,

wishing they were us.

That little phrase
means all that?

Well, if you're so advanced,
why don't you teach me then?

You've been saying
you want to do more tutoring.

Tutor away!

Show me all your salsa moves--

mild, medium and extra spicy.

Come on, Max.

Just, like, two lessons.

Uh, I don't think so.

Oh, I get it.

Get what?

You don't know how to salsa.

-[scoffs]
-You lied about it to get out

of going to the class and
now you're just doubling down.

I know how to salsa.

Yeah, I-I don't think you do.

I mean,
I've watched a lot of videos,

and you can just tell when
someone has that salsa de fuego.

Oh, I have the salsa de fuego,

and it is muy caliente.

Tonight.

At 8:00.

Okay then.

Tonight at 8:00.

I'll believe it when I see it.

[chuckles]

Randi, honey, I'd be careful
drinking that much caffeine.

That's how we induce labor
if a sow's past her due date.

I didn't sleep at all
last night.

I tried counting sheep,

but then they all had
Daniel's face,

and I got so mad.

You want one
of my mama's sleeping pills?

She left some at my house.

I always wait
till she's zonked-out on one

before I cut her toenails
or she might kick me.

See this tooth?

Fake.

I'm willing to try anything
at this point.

Okay, I'll bring some tomorrow.

But you be careful.

I took one
on a flight to Lubbock.

I thought
I went to the bathroom.

I actually peed
in the middle of the aisle.

Had to spend
the rest of the flight zip-tied

to my tray table.

Hey, Randi.
Check it out.

I just got the cutest dress
to go dancing with Oscar.

Ooh, that's hot.

But you know that thing's not
gonna make you dance any better.

It's not like the suit
from Iron Man.

Yes, I've got that covered.

Max is gonna teach me.

Uh, do you really think
that's a good idea,

considering
that you've had a crush on Max

-for the past two decades?
-[sighs]

I've given it a lot of thought,
and here's why it's fine.

I'm completely falling
for Oscar.

So, right now,
every other man in the world

is just a sexless "blech"
in a baseball cap.

Oh, uh, not you.

Not him.

He's not a sexless "blech."

-[mouths]
-[Phil shrieks]

Oh, my Lord, child,
it's a miracle.

-What, Phil?
-What's a miracle?

This bun looks exactly like
the Holy Mother herself.

Looks like Dolly Parton.

Exactly!

That's what I said.

Did you bake it like that
on purpose?

No! She just magically appeared.

The spitting image

of Dolly from the October 1978
cover of Playboy.

I remember,
'cause that's the only time

-I bought that filthy magazine.
-[Kat chuckles]

[salsa music playing softly]

Now,

I want you to imagine
a string coming out

of the top of your head,
like a puppet.

Ooh, I like marionettes.

I still have my favorite,
Lady Juniper, upstairs.

-Kat, I don't care.
-Okay.

Now...

[inhales]
think about the string

and look at me.

[laughs]

-What?
-I'm sorry.

I'm just having a laugh.

'Cause, like, I'm looking at you
but, like, we're staring...

Kat, be serious.

With salsa,
eye contact is the way

-to connect with your partner.
-Okay.

-[inhales]
-Huh?

-I'm gonna be looking at you...
-Mm-hmm.

but I'm gonna be thinking
about cats.

-Don't think about cats.
-Oh, it's already happening.

♪

Focus.

Listen to the music.

Okay.

There you go.
You're getting it.

Oh, look at me.

Making my salsa.

Chopping my onions.

Adding my lime juice.
[giggling]

What did I say about jokes?

Not to make them.

And what did I say
about eye contact?

To have it.

Good.

Now...

keep the hips moving in time.

Feel the rhythm

and let my body tell your body
where it should go.

♪

["Swift Cubano" by Juan Zavala
and Eddie Grey playing]

♪

Remember when I didn't think Max
teaching me would be a problem?

I'm starting to see the problem.

Problem solved.

[pants]
Where'd that come from?

From me.

Feeling the rhythm,

telling my body
where it should go.

-[chuckles]
-[grunts]

Randi, it's 1:00 in the morning.
What are you doing out here?

[chuckles] I couldn't sleep,
so I figured I'd go for a run.

Sounds like you got ex-somnia.

Don't you mean "insomnia"?

If you're thinking
about your ex, it's ex-somnia.

Yeah, well,
then that's what I got.

You know, I've been trying
online blackjack

for my ex-somnia.

Getting my drink on
helps a little bit, too.

Yeah.

You might be right.

I think I'm gonna go check out
this cute little bar

that's still open
down the street.

-Jog your ass in here.
-[chuckles]

Mother, did you get my message
about Phil's Dolly bun?

Why do you think I'm here?

Oh, Phil,
my pageant friend Jeannie

is Dolly's new publicist,

so I shared the picture with her
on Insta,

and she showed it to Dolly.

Oh, Sheila.

If you are pulling my leg,

I'll cut yours off and slap you
across the face with it.

I am not kidding!

And she said Dolly's performing
tonight at the Opry

and if we can get down
to Nashville,

she'll take a picture with us
and the bun

after the show.

Meeting Dolly's
on my whistle list.

I worship the ground
she walks on.

[squealing]

Oh, Kat! Please, can I leave?

Of course. You can't pass up
an opportunity like that.

And don't forget to tell Dolly
Parton about Dolly Purr-ton.

PHIL:
Oh, thank you!

Thank you, thank you!

-Hey.
-Hey.

I'm, uh, literally sore.

Like I worked out last night.

-Like I did leg day.
-[chuckles]

Can you stop smiling at me
like that?

You're making me feel exposed.

I'll try.

-Nope, not possible.
-[laughs]

Uh, and I have class tonight,
so I won't see you.

But I will be thinking of you

and thinking of last night.

Well, I can't stop you
from thinking,

so think away.

[chuckles]

Randi. Randi.

Can I run a moral quandary
by you?

You know how I had that salsa
lesson with Max last night?

-Uh-huh.
-Well, afterward,

I had a particularly sensual,
consensual evening with Oscar.

Kat, we're roomies.
I heard everything.

It sounded like y'all
was installing hardwood floors

in there.

Okay.

Not embarrassed by that at all.

Well, I-I'm feeling
a little guilty

because I think
I may have transferred some

of the spiciness of salsa
with Max to Oscar.

It was just really...

Wh-What was that for?

I told you
you were playing with fire.

I had to put you out.

Okay, but I-I don't want
to be with Max.

I want to be with Oscar.

The problem is
you didn't tell Oscar

that you were dancing with Max.

-[sighs]
-Or getting heated up by Max.

And unless you're planning
a surprise party,

you should hide nothing
from your partner.

Okay, but what...

Nothing.

Hey, teach.

Great dance lesson last night.

Thank you, thank you.
Great learning last night.

[chuckles]

-I actually have to cancel...
-I have to cancel tonight.

-Why can't you make... [laughs]
-Why can't you make... [laughs]

You go first.

Well, honestly...

it felt a little bit
like I was cheating on Oscar.

Like, 'cause I was dancing

with another guy.
Even though it's you.

Yeah, no, that makes sense.
I felt a little weird, too.

-Especially 'cause it's salsa.
-[exhales]

Exactly. Like, if it were polka,

we wouldn't even be having
this conversation, you know?

Polka's a lot more oom-pah-pah,
a lot less "ooh, papi."

[chuckles]

You know what would be great?

-Hmm?
-Is if you had a girlfriend

and the four of us
could all go dancing together.

You know? Get on that.

Get yourself a girlfriend.

Well, I'm working on it.

-Oh, really? With who?
-With Brigitte.

I'm actually making
a little progress on that front.

Oh. That's great.

Yeah, in fact, I'm thinking
about surprising her

in Paris this summer.

Like...
[inhales]

Like, a big, grand gesture.

Probably something
on the Eiffel Tower.

Wow, that sounds so romantic.

That way, if she rejects me,
you know, I can just...

boop.

You're gonna push her off?

I'm just saying,
it gets windy up there.

[laughs]

Your friend says
that when we get to the Opry,

we give the password
to the security guard.

"Hard Candy Christmas."

Then we can pull

right up to her tour bus!
[chuckles]

[both squeal]

-[chuckles]
-You know, I never told

Katharine, but...

I had a bit of the baby blues
after I had her.

So I would play Dolly's

"I Will Always Love You"
on a loop

to remind me how I was
supposed to feel about my baby.

And eventually, I did.

The song that got to me
was "Coat of Many Colors."

If I ever opened a bakery,

I was gonna call it
Coat of Many Crullers.

Guess what our hours
were gonna be.

9:00 to 5:00?

Bingo.
[laughing]

[laughs]

Oh, oh. Uh-oh.

Looks like we're hitting
a bit of traffic.

Oh, it's probably just a bend
in the road.

Nothing to worry about.

[siren wailing]

Nope.

Still not gonna worry.

[sighs] I have been watching
salsa videos

for the past three hours.

It started
with instructional videos,

but then
it turned into salsa fails.

I watched a guy try and salsa
with a kangaroo.

The kangaroo was not having it.

Grabbed that guy by the collar,
kicked him right in the nuts.

Ooh, that sounds horrible.

Can you send me that video?

Yeah, no problem.

Every time I close my eyes,
I see salsa fails.

I don't know
how I'm gonna get to sleep.

Oscar's working.

I don't know why I'm looking
in the fridge.

Hey, do you want to watch

a movie with the sound off

and make the people say
whatever we want?

Uh, no, I'm okay.
I'm gonna go for a run.

They've been helping me relax.

Hmm. I don't like you running
at night.

You know,
I have a holiday sweater

that has real lights on it
that you could wear.

Oh, but then you'd be running
in an itchy sweater.

Never mind. Have fun.

[chuckles]: Don't worry,
I'm not going that far.

And if you're having problems
getting to sleep,

why don't you take one
of Phil's mama's sleeping pills.

-Oh. All right.
-All right.

-Have a good time.
-[door opens]

-Have a good night. Bye.
-Be safe.

"Take as needed"?

Hmm.

[snoring]

BRIGITTE:
Wake up, cheater.

Brigitte?

What are you doing here?

I am very mad at you.

You have been dancing
with my boyfriend.

I told him I am not dancing
with him anymore.

Oh!

I even told him
that I wished that you were here

so we could all
hang out together.

That is very generous.

I like you on sleeping pills.
[chuckles]

I don't think they're working.
I'm not even tired.

Mm.

You know,
I found your therapy website.

I see your name.
I see your e-mail address.

But I don't see
any pictures of you

'cause Max said
you have so many stalkers.

Yes. I even tried to post
a weird one of me mid-sneeze.

-But no. The stalking continued.
-Mm.

I see a picture, oh,
of a happy couple

staring at a waterfall.

You know...
[smacks lips]

That makes me thirsty.
That makes me want root beer.

Do you want some root beer?
I got a guy.

I would love root beer

-if it tastes like wine.
-You know what?

I'll just get you some wine.

Then you are picking up
what I am putting down.

[laughs]

[horns honking]

-[phone chimes]
-Ah.

Oh, your friend says

that Dolly
is halfway through her set.

If things pick up,
we could still make it.

-I'm starving, Phil.
-Me, too.

I have an antacid

that I was not gonna
tell you about.

But I will split it with you.

You know, if we're stuck here
much longer, we could...

Do not even think about it,
Sheila.

I'll slice you
like a Honey Baked Ham.

You just lost your half.

Okay, so,

-you have to split those eights.
-Okay.

Okay, now hit here.

Stay. Now hit this one.

-Ooh, that's what
I'm talking about.
-[chuckles]

Told you. My grandpa taught me
how to play blackjack.

It's how I put myself
through grade school.

[chuckles]
I kept trying to get Daniel

to go down to the riverboat
with me, but he kept saying,

"Gambling
is a frivolous waste of money."

You know,
the more I think about it,

the more I realize that he had
a big old stick up his butt.

You need to be
with somebody easygoing

and knows how to have fun
like you do.

Mm-mm. Randi doesn't need to be

with anybody but Randi
right now.

I get that. And Carter is
only dating Carter

-for a while.
-[chuckles]: And why is that?

'Cause CJ can't stand
his mom's new boyfriend.

And listening to him complain
about that dude

is the best part of my weekend.

-[laughs]
-Yeah. I can't

get a girlfriend
and give Stephanie

that same satisfaction.

Yeah. Yeah.
You know, I just need

to start having some fun
where feelings don't ruin it.

Like a friends with benefits
type situation?

Well, I don't know if that ever
really works out for anybody.

Yeah. It's the kind of thing
you dream about, though.

[banging at door]

Uh-oh, busted.

Hey, Kat. What's going on?

RANDI:
Hey.

Uh, are you okay, Kat?

♪ Everybody dance now.♪

Uh...

Kat.

You don't even see me.

♪ Root beer is the best beer.♪

Uh-oh. She must have taken

one of Phil's mama's
sleeping pills,

and she's having a reaction.

You mean tripping her balls off.

I'm gonna make sure
she gets home okay.

Okay. Okay.

Damn.

I just got Kat-blocked.

Hey. I brought you some coffee.

What happened in here?

Uh, you did.

You were sleepwalking
last night.

After my run, I found you trying
to get into the Middle C.

I was sleepwalking?

Yeah, you were. And then,
when I brought you back,

you insisted that we bring
all the cats upstairs

because they had never seen
your room

and you wanted to sleep
under a cat blanket.

Uh, it must have been
the sleeping pills,

'cause I don't remember
any of that.

Any of it?

Like, like, none of it?

I vaguely remember
braiding Brigitte's hair,

but that's it.

Wait,
Max's ex-girlfriend, Brigitte?

Never mind. Hey, Mr. Mousekers,
this is my hand-carved bed.

It's been passed down
for generations.

And you remember Randi.

[yawning]:
From downstairs.

I can't believe we missed her.

I can't believe we urinated
in front of each other.

Twice.

I'm still hungry, Phil.

Me, too. I'm so delirious,

I thought I saw Dolly
in the mirror a minute ago.

Maybe she was sending us a sign.

She'd want us to eat her.

-Mmm.
-Mmm.

-She's inside of us now.
-Mm-hmm.

She's nourishing us

like she nourished us
our entire lives.

It'll remind us
to be more like Dolly.

To be kinder.

To be more generous.

[phone chimes]

Oh. It's Jeannie.

Mm. Oh, she says
Dolly's decided to do

a second night at the Opry.

Mm, so we can take our time
getting there.

Spit it out.

-Hmm?
-Spit it out right now,

or I'll reach in there
and I'll pull it out.

[squeals]:
What?

I'm gonna put her back together.

-Mm.
-I will use your saliva
as the glue.

-Mm-mm. [mutters]
-Spit it out, Sheila.

-So, you going
for a run tonight?
-I haven't decided.

So, I shouldn't read too much
into the fact

that you drew a heart
in my foam?

[chuckles] It just does that
when you pull the milk away.

-Mm-hmm.
-[chuckles]

KAT:
Hey.

-Hey. You look good.
-Thanks.

-Yeah.
-RANDI: Ooh!

Kat, you look incredible,

-whether you can salsa or not.
-KAT [chuckles]: Thanks.

I'm actually feeling
really positive

about my salsa dancing
abilities.

The lesson with Max,

all those videos that I watched,

it really sunk into my brain.

Like, I woke up this morning
able to do moves

I couldn't even do yesterday.
Like this.

-RANDI: Ooh.
-[chuckles]

Ooh, and, uh, and this.

Whoo!
[chuckles]

-Oh, hey, Max.
-What the hell did you do?

Oh, I just dipped a cat.
[chuckles]

Brigitte called me
and said some American woman

wrote her a long e-mail
about how I'm a mess without her

and I'm gonna go declare my love
for her on the Eiffel Tower,

and if she rejects me,
I'm gonna push her off.

A-And you think I did that?
I didn't do that.

Really?
Because the letter was signed,

"Have a meow-tastic day,
Kat Silver."

Well, that does
very specifically narrow down

the suspects, but how would I...

Oh.

I took sleeping pills
last night.

Girl, check your e-mail
sent folder.

-Oh.
-[sighs]

Oh, my gosh. Max, I am so sorry.

Just tell her I was on drugs.
It didn't mean anything.

Well, I-I would,
except she told me

never to contact her again.

Well, do you want me
to e-mail her?

Are you out of your mind?

I want you to stay
out of my business, Kat.

And you know
what really pisses me off?

I tried to help you
with your relationship,

and you blew mine up.

-I'm so sorry, Kat.
-[door closes]

I can't believe I did that.

Well, it's not your fault.
Honestly, it's Phil's.

He's the one that gave us
those damn pills

that made him
whip his wiener out on a plane

and pee in the aisle.

What?

You didn't tell me
that happened.

Well, I just thought
he had an overreaction

because he's itty-bitty.

I feel horrible.

I've never seen Max that upset.

What am I supposed to do?

Hey, hey.

Are you ready
to get our salsa on?

I just need un momento.

["Chipa y Fuego [salsa]" by El
Swing de Nicky Catarey playing]

♪

♪