Call Me Kat (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 13 - Cat-A-Versary - full transcript

So yeah, I'm throwing
a Cat-A-Versary party,
because the café's been
open a year, can you believe it?
It's a fundraiser
for the Humane Society.
There'll be cats in costumes
and a photo booth
and kettle corn.
Kettle corn? You should have led
with that. I'm in.
Great. So, uh...
how's tall and grumpy doing?
Oh, he's a pure delight
around me,
but when I mentioned you
earlier,
he clenched his fist so hard
he broke the soda gun.
Well, I am undeterred.
Hey, Max, I-I'd love to see you
at my Cat-A-Versary party.
Uh, Carter's gonna be there,
my mom's coming.
She's auditioning
for the musical Cats
at the community theater,
so she's been spending
a lot of time at the café
to research cat behavior.
Here's your coffee, Mother.
Look, I get that you're
still upset with me
for reaching out
to your ex-girlfriend
while on sleeping medication
not prescribed to me, but--
Oh, men's room? Ha.
Still undeterred.
Deterred.
Definitely deterred.
-Wow, that looks amazing.
-Thanks.
I've been doing squats.
Katharine, please help me
get this feline off my lap.
Oh, Mr. Mousekers never
falls asleep in someone's lap.
Well, he's been here
quite a while, and now
I have to use the ladies' room,
and his weight
is pressing on my bladder.
Please don't bring up
his weight.
He just got his confidence
back up.
Mr. Mousekers...
Uh-oh.
What's wrong?
-Mommy?
-Yes?
-I don't think Mr. Mousekers
is sleeping.
-Oh...
Well, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,
but the oven just crapped out.
I mean, honestly,
can you think of anything worse
to happen before our
Cat-A-Versary party?
♪
Kat, he was old,
but you gave him a great life.
Every time he would lay
on your laptop,
you would just stop working
so he could sleep there.
PHIL: And then you bought him
his own computer
so he could lay right by you.
Which I'd like to call dibs on.
Not the time.
I just have that same
heavy feeling in my heart
that I had when my dad died.
And, disturbing coincidence,
they both died
on top of my mother.
Well, just remind yourself
it's a cat and not a person.
Uh-oh.
Yeah, I know it's a cat
and not a person.
A cat that I loved very deeply.
The first cat I rescued.
The only cat who knew how
to pee on a potty.
And do you know who
taught him to do that?
No one. He learned just by
observing human behavior.
He was that smart.
Okay, I'm sorry.
That came out wrong.
I'm just-- I'm gonna go upstairs
for a little bit.
Alone.
Randi, I'm having Mr. Mousekers
cremated.
[whispering]:
Can you pick up his ashes
later today?
There's nothing I'd rather do.
Well, there are some things,
but once again, not the time.
And I'm gonna cancel the party.
I don't even care
if I don't get my deposit back
on that ice cat sculpture.
I didn't want
to burst her bubble,
but I'm the one
who taught that cat to pee
on the terlet.
Ooh, this is a nice surprise.
A hot chick and a gift?
A hot chick, yes.
Gift, no.
These are Mr. Mousekers' ashes.
The pet crematorium is
only two blocks away,
so I figured I'd stop by.
You didn't figure you should
leave those in the car?
No way! What if
his cat ghost got out
and started haunting my car,
changing my radio presets
to smooth jazz?
Great, now I'm thinking
about a dead cat
more than I'm thinking about
stuff that we're not
supposed to talk about
in front of our friends.
So you're complaining that
I stopped by?
Get in here with your dead cat.
I came up to bring you
some dinner
and to tell you I think you
should go ahead with the party.
Oh, I can't.
I've suffered a great loss.
I'm also still really upset
that Oscar
felt the need to point out
that animals are not people.
I mean, obviously,
if my house was burning down,
and I could only grab
the baby or the cat,
you know what I'd do.
-Grab the baby?
-What baby, Phil?!
The imaginary baby?
No, I'd grab the real cats.
All of them.
Okay, I know you're in mourning,
but where I come from,
even a funeral is a big party
to celebrate someone's life.
You know, connect with
each other
over memories of the one
we lost.
In my family,
we called them "fun-erals,"
Fun-erals?
Yeah, we'd all get together,
eat food,
we'd sing hymns with
the Crumpler Bluegrass Band.
Well, that's nice, Phil,
but I just--
-I don't think I'm there yet.
-Oh.
Also, your relentless positivity
is annoying me a little bit.
Well, roger that.
I'll check on you tomorrow.
-[knock on door]
-Still open, Phil.
MAX:
Hey.
Hey...
Heard about Mr. Mousekers.
Remember when my dog Winston
died back in college?
We stayed up all night
and told Winston stories.
I remember we polished off
a bottle of bourbon,
and I fell asleep with my legs
sticking out of your doggy door
because I was so hot.
Well, I'm here to
return the favor.
-Oh.
-It's the good stuff.
Don't mention it to Carter.
I told him I dropped it.
And then he jumped up
on the couch
and dropped that little
felt mouse in my lap.
And I was actually having
a crappy day and I thought,
"Thanks, dude, that helps."
[chuckles]
He did that to me once
with a real mouse
with its head chewed off.
I thought, well,
it's the thought that counts.
Well, chewed mice aside,
sometimes I think animals are
better than people.
Or at least easier
to get along with.
I wish a million times over
that I hadn't contacted
Brigitte.
She forwarded me
the e-mail you sent her.
It was actually very
complimentary.
Some of it was... [laughs]
...was in Old English.
You kept saying
I was "a truepenny"
and "straight-fingered."
I was so out of it.
I even sent an e-mail
to the government
asking for jury duty.
Luckily it didn't go through
'cause I had just typed in,
"To Government."
[both laugh]
Hey, at least now I know
where Brigitte stands.
And it is kind of freeing.
That's exactly how I felt
when you rejected me. Free!
Well, let me know if you ever
need me to reject you again.
Yeah, I don't think I'll ever
need you to do that again,
but thanks for the offer.
You know I'm kidding, right?
Of course I know you're kidding.
It's what we do.
We kid.
Wow, it is late.
I should-I should probably go.
Yeah, me, too.
Uh, you live here.
Yeah, that sounds about right.
All right, I just need to grab
one part out of the truck
-and you will be good to go.
-Will I?
'Cause you've been working
on that oven for five hours.
I'm beginning to think
you're the one
missing a part, Ray.
Hey, ovens are like women.
You can't always get 'em to cook
when you want 'em to.
I bet your wife loves
crawling into bed with you
after you make comments
like that.
Joke's on you, I'm divorced.
Hey, Phil. Oh, Ray,
is the oven working?
No, but Ray is working
my nerves.
Don't listen to this
little doughboy.
Thems are fighting words, Ray!
No, these are fighting words.
I don't think your mama used
enough yeast when she made you,
'cause you never finished
rising.
Don't you talk about
my mama's yeast!
Okay, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Gentlemen, we could all be dead
in someone's lap tomorrow;
let's not fight.
Ray, can you fix the oven
by tomorrow?
I can fix it before that
as long as doughboy stays
in his can.
-Hey, leave Phil alone.
-Yeah, leave Phil alone!!
I have such a crush on him.
What? You were just fighting
with him.
Yeah, fighting my feelings
for him.
I don't know what is
going on, Kat,
but when he showed up
to fix that oven,
something deep inside of me said
we were meant to be together.
I'm very interested,
very invested,
but can we table that for now?
Sure.
I came in to tell you
that the party is back on.
But I'm changing it
to a fun-eral.
You were right.
Loss can connect people.
It got me and Max
talking again.
I am so happy to hear that.
Maybe if I dust my banjo off,
I can get you and Max to sing
some of my favorite hymns
at the fun-eral.
I would be honored.
All right, I'm gonna go
to the craft store
and get some supplies
for a memorial board.
I might even pick up
a new 3-D jigsaw puzzle
'cause I've been through a lot
and I think I deserve it.
Randi, did you get
Mr. Mousekers' ashes?
Yeah, I got 'em.
I got 'em.
Are you sure?
'Cause you said that like
maybe you don'’t got 'em.
I said, yeah, I got 'em,
and then I repeated
"I got 'em"
upstairs in my purse, 'cause
that's where I got 'em at.
Okay, great. Uh, Phil, get her
up to speed on the fun-eral.
If it's a fun funeral,
I'm up to speed.
Hey, I think I left my box
of cat ashes
at your house last night.
Yeah, you did, which explains
why Mr. Mousekers was
a fortune-teller
in my dream last night.
He told me I was good in bed.
What do you think?
Tell me you brought
that damn box.
Hang tight.
-Uh-oh.
-What?
Don't be mad,
the box is in the car.
Okay, so just go get it.
Here's where the mad part
comes in.
When I say "the" car,
I don't mean my car.
See, my car's in the shop, so I
took a ride service to work,
so it's in that car.
Ask me if you're good
in bed again.
I don'’t want to.
I am doing my best
with this tiny oven,
but it's like trying
to paint a barn
with a Q-tip.
-Hey, is, uh, Kat home?
-Hey, Oscar.
-No, she's still out shopping
for the fun-eral.
-I came by
to apologize for the thing
I said earlier
about cats not being people.
The florist
was also pretty pissed
when I told her the story,
so apparently,
I've really hit a nerve here.
Well, if it makes you feel
any better,
she's gonna be way more pissed
when she finds out
I'm responsible
for Mr. Mousekers' ashes
being left in a car service
and the driver's
not texting me back.
[laughs] Oh, that is way worse
than my thing.
Thanks for taking the heat off.
[banjo playing]
Sounds like a 12-fingered angel
is playing my banjo.
Huh, Tucks?
[laughs]:
I'll be damned, Ray.
You're like one of them idiots
who can do one amazing thing.
This your banjo?
Yeah. But run your fingers up
and down it all you want.
Excuse me?
Oh, nothing.
Aren't those flowers
Oscar brought you nice?
Honestly, I've never been much
of a "flowers as a gift"
type of person.
It's just another thing
to watch die.
Damn, you're kind of bitchy
when your cat dies.
You know what doesn't die?
That bourbon Max brought me.
Uh-oh. What's your point?
I'm just saying
that it's interesting
to compare the way Oscar handled
this tragic event in my life
to the way Max has handled it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You cannot compare
Oscar and Max like that.
Max is not your boyfriend,
and by his own admission,
never will be.
I know,
but there was this moment
when Max and I were
talking last night
that I thought
maybe he was gonna kiss me.
You thought I was gonna kiss you
last margarita night.
You leaned in.
Kat, grief makes people
feel confusing things.
You have to calm yourself,
close your eyes
and focus on the guy
you're getting naked with.
[chuckles]
I can do that.
Uh, Wyatt, this is
a memorial board for the pets
who have left us too soon.
That's a human.
It's my grandma.
Her name was Lassie.
Here are the words to the hymn
in case you get choked up
and don't remember them.
Oh, I'm done being sad, Phil.
I mean,
look how well this is going.
Everyone loves
the memorial board.
Lot more iguanas
than I thought there would be.
-Yes. Must have been
that cold snap.
-[chuckles]
[phone chimes]
Oh, no.
Oscar's gonna be late
'cause he has a work thing?
[groans] I mean,
who's gonna squeeze my hand
before I recite my poem?
You know,
I'm still annoyed at him,
but I'm not above using him
for physical comfort.
Well, I can do it, but it ends
with the hand squeeze.
[laughs softly]
-Hello, Katharine.
-Oh, Mother.
Geez. You scared me.
You look just like
Mr. Mousekers.
He was my inspiration.
It was easy since I can't get
his dead little face
out of my head.
You know,
I felt a bit traumatized,
since he died right in my lap.
I felt like maybe
he was tagging me.
"Hey, lady, you're next."
It crossed my mind as well.
Then, while I was belting out
"Memory" at my audition,
I had another thought.
Maybe Mr. Mousekers was
looking for a-a special place
to cross over.
Maybe he came to me for comfort.
He trusted me.
That's beautiful.
Yes, that's what they said
at the audition.
They cast me on the spot.
Not the role I auditioned for--
it was too young--
but I still get to crawl around
and interact with the audience
before the show.
[laughs softly]
So, you're more
of a dog person, huh?
Yeah, I guess so.
Hmm. You had a dog,
you act like a dog.
Are you being funny or mean?
What's happening?
What's happening is
you're showing up
at my girl Kat's place
with your booze and your hair
and your big old teeth
and confusing her,
making her think
you're gonna kiss her.
-Did she say that?
-CARTER: Randi.
I need to talk to you.
E-Excuse me. Carter and I
have never spoken privately,
so this must be important.
Stay, dog.
The ashes are two hours away.
Says traffic's real bad
on the highway.
Well, then text him back
and tell him
a real man would be
driving on the grass.
It's all good. I got us covered.
We'll tell Kat
the ashes are in here.
That looks like it was
painted by a child.
Well, C.J. made it for me
for Father's Day.
I even filled it with rice
so the weight would be right.
-[rice shaking]
-This sounds like rice.
Well, you only thinking about
rice 'cause I said it was rice.
Hey, Randi, I'm about
to start the memorial.
I need Mr. Mousekers' ashes.
Makes sense.
Uh, can I have them?
Of course.
They said not to shake it,
out of respect.
Uh, this is not the box
that I ordered.
I ordered a-a pretty one
made of walnut
with a plaque
and little paw prints.
Well, they said
this was the temporary one,
because the nice one
takes a while.
Yeah, because there's
a walnut wood shortage.
Makes you think,
we really only have one Earth.
I'd like to thank you all
for coming here today
to celebrate the furry friends
we've loved and lost.
Oh, uh, quick announcement,
I did extend the kettle corn guy
for another 30 minutes.
Thank you, sir.
No need for pushing.
It's just sweet popcorn.
Um, I've written a poem
to honor my cat Mr. Mousekers,
whose passing inspired
this beautiful gathering.
"God, feed my cat
smoked salmon up there
"and take him on long drives,
"and tell him
just how great he was
"in all of his nine lives.
"Make the days
real bright for him
"so he can lie out in the sun.
"Oh, and get a laser pointer.
"He thinks that's really fun.
"If you lose him,
don't be frightened.
"He's probably in a drawer.
"Or sitting in a box somewhere.
"He thinks that's
what they're for.
Love you, Lassie.
"I know you're awfully busy
and have many pets to love,
"but tell mine that I miss him
-and give him an extra hug."
-[applause]
All right, now I'd like
to invite some friends
to join me up here
and liven things up
-a little bit.
-[banjo playing]
♪ Some glad morning♪
♪ When this life is over♪
♪ I'll fly away♪
♪ To the home
on God's celestial shore♪
♪ I'll fly away♪
♪ I'll fly away, oh, Glory♪
♪ I'll fly away♪
-♪ In the morning♪
-♪ When I die♪
♪ Hallelujah, by and by♪
♪ I'll fly away♪
♪ When the shadows...♪
Can you believe
she owns this place
andhas a cute young boyfriend?
I didn't think those two things
could coexist,
but I'm happy
to be proven wrong.
Put a cork in it, cat lady.
I'm trying to listen.
♪ I'll fly away♪
♪ Oh, Glory, I'll fly away♪
♪ In the morning♪
♪ When I die,
Hallelujah, by and by♪
♪ I'll fly away.♪
Kat, guess what?
I asked Ray to form a bluegrass
band with me and he said yes.
Oh, so your feeling was right.
You were meant to be together.
Just, in a band,
not in holy matrimony.
Yeah, but I can still live
with hope in my heart.
[chuckles]
Hey. I loved your poem.
I bet Mr. Mousekers and Winston
are probably smiling
down on us right now.
Mr. Mousekers was never
really one for smiling.
When he was happy,
he'd-he'd look past you
and rub his butt
up against your arm.
-I had an ex who did that.
-Julia.
-Sophomore year.
-[both laugh]
Kat, I-I, uh, feel like
I need to tell you something.
Um, come here.
-Are you mad at me again?
-No.
Is it 'cause I was pitchy
during the singing?
-Mm, no.
-Sometimes I get pitchy
-'cause I'm caught up
in my spoons.
-No. No.
No, I just, I want to...
I just want
to clear up something
about the other night
when I came over.
The reason Brigitte broke up
with me in the first place
is because she never felt like
I was all in.
And she was right. I always felt
like something was missing.
And what was missing was
a-a real friendship with her.
Like the one we have.
So...
if you felt like I wanted
to kiss you the other night,
it's because I did.
Did you know this
and you never said anything?
I like to keep things
mysterious and suspenseful.
Look, I know this is bad timing,
'cause you're dating somebody,
but if there's one thing
I learned from you,
is that it's better
to make a bold move.
So, this is my bold move.
Wow.
[laughs]
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Well, you were right.
-Your timing is, like, ugh.
-Way off, I know.
Um, yeah.
Okay, well, I'm gonna go, uh,
splash some cold water
on my face.
And I'm gonna go
reapply my deodorant,
like, uh, like, a lot of it.
Oh.
Mr. Mousekers!
Is this-- Is this rice?
I can explain.
Y-You know how in the Bible,
things turn into other things?
I believe we have a miracle
on our hands.
Randi, what is going on?
Okay, see, after I picked up
Mr. Mousekers' ashes,
I accidentally left them
in a car service.
And by the time I contacted
the driver, he was in Chicago,
ironically,
to comfort his mother,
who had just lost her cat.
You can't make this stuff up.
RANDI:
And I didn't have time
to drop everything
and go to Chicago.
So where is Mr. Mousekers now?
OSCAR:
He's right here.
You didn't have to work late?
You went all the way to Chicago
for Mr. Mousekers?
If something is important
to you, it's important to me.
Do I smell kettle corn?
I haven't eaten in, like,
ten hours.
[laughs]:
Yeah. Go get some.
Katharine, this cat and I
both dipped our paws
into the shrimp cocktail
at the same time.
I think I've found my soul mate.
[laughs]:
Oh. Good for you, Mother.
That makes one of us.
♪