Call Me Kat (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Moving In - full transcript

Hey, Pete. Guess what I have.
Uh, an upbeat attitude
that secretly annoys me?
Not so secret anymore.
[laughs]
I have receipts.
20 of them in fact.
And per your Pet Perks
loyalty program,
I would like to redeem them
for my free bag of cat food.
[exclaims]
Sorry, my hands are shaking.
It's kind of a big day.
Oh, yeah, um,
that promotion is over.
What are you talking about?
The promotion and how it's over.
It takes a long time
to amass 20 receipts.
Uh-- We have a new promotion.
Buy one snake, get one free.
That's not a promotion, that's
a way to get rid of snakes.
A-And this isn't right.
I mean, I held up
my end of the bargain.
I even made this fanny pack
to house my receipts.
I took a lot of grief
for wearing this fanny pack--
a few compliments
but a lot of grief.
What are you doing?
Bathing myself in your tears.
Can you believe this guy?
You know, Pete, I'm gonna take
this bag of cat food.
I earned it, I deserve it,
and I'm gonna take it.
Really? Cause it seems like
you're just standing there.
Wow. Wow. Wow.
Heart racing,
finding my courage, and...
Time to take what's mine.
-You're being recorded
by security cameras.
-Good.
Justice should be recorded.
It looks like this.
♪
So I tossed the bag
in the back of my truck,
got in the truck,
realized it wasn't my truck--
which is really problematic
because I took a sip
of the coffee...
-[all groan]
-...got that all sorted out,
and then, when I turned
the key in my truck
to high-tail it out of there,
the perfect getaway song
just happened to be
playing on the radio.
BOTH: Was it "Getaway Car"
by Taylor Swift?
No way. You a Swiftie?
Don't call it that, but yeah.
Anyway, it was
"Bad to the Bone."
-That's much better.
-Uh, debatable.
Kat, you have got to be careful.
The karma gods will make you pay
for what you do not pay for.
Oh, I have no regrets.
Pete is a monster.
He tried to sell me two snakes.
That's how you end up
with a hundred snakes.
I know snake math.
CARTER: CJ keeps bugging me
to get a snake.
But I said, "Not until
you get your grades up.
And then still, no."
-What's up with his grades?
-They're not up.
Here's what it sounds like
when I make him do his homework.
"CJ, stop playing video games
and do your homework."
Then he says, "I want to live
with Mom full-time."
Then I put on some T. Swift
and think about my life.
Wait, Max can help CJ.
I would love to help.
I was voted Teacher of the Year
when I taught in that
remote village in Burma.
I mean, I was the only teacher
on that side of the mountain,
but I still think
I would've gotten it.
Ugh, you guys, Daniel has to
go out of town for work again,
so he can't
help me move in tomorrow.
-Oh...
-And I have to be
out of my place
because I already told
my landlord what I really think
about his plumbing skills
and his biker shorts,
and no, he does not own a bike.
Oh, honey, I wish I could
help you move, but I can't,
and I have a pretty good excuse:
I don't like
to help people move.
CARTER: And I don't think
it would be fair for me
to help you move in
with your boyfriend
when we haven't had our moment.
Yeah, we're never
gonna have a moment.
Randi, look no further.
The answer to your moving
problems is right here.
I've got a truck, a tape gun,
and the calf strength
of a longshoreman.
You're a weird lady. Most people
hate to help people move.
I'd rather get kicked
by a horse.
Yeah, we got that, Phil.
So, Randi,
I don't mean to state
the obvious here,
but a major component of moving
is actually moving,
and I can't help but notice
you're not really moving.
I'm sorry, I just got stuck
looking at these pictures.
I mean, I've seen them before,
I just never asked him
about them.
Like, like,
who are these two dudes?
Uh, well, that's Daniel,
the guy you're moving in with,
and the dude next to him
is Barack Obama.
Well, yeah, I know those two,
but-but what about these two?
And who is that old lady?
And what about this canoe?
Like, does Daniel own a canoe
or did he rent the canoe?
What's up with the canoe, Kat?
So, uh, first of all,
that's a kayak.
And I'm sure that is not
the most important thing
for me to be pointing out
right now,
but, you know, I think you're
just freaking out a little
because this is
a really big step for you.
I know, it's just hitting me
that I've only known Daniel
for six months
and there's so much
I still don't know about him.
Have you ever lived
with anyone before?
Well, just roommates. And I did
end up kissing one of them.
And then she got all
Single White Femaleon me
and I had to move out,
cut my hair, change my phone.
It was a whole thing.
Well, has Daniel
ever lived with anybody?
Oh, I don't think so.
He told me I was
the first person
that he sees a real future with.
Which is also what Single
White Female used to tell me,
so maybe I'm just
a really great kisser.
[phone chimes]
Oh. It's Oscar.
He sent me another picture
of himself without a shirt on.
He wants me to send him
a sexy picture of me.
Should I send him
my professor headshot?
Uh, no, girl. I don't think
that's what he means by sexy.
Well, I'm wearing glasses.
It has a certain something.
Just send him a quick nip pic.
I'll look away.
Wh-- I can't do that.
I can't even say that.
Come on,
that is Old Kat talking.
New Kat robbed a pet store.
New Kat isn't afraid
to send a nip pic.
You know what? You're right.
New Kat is gonna step
outside her comfort zone.
-Okay.
-New Kat is gonna blow his mind.
-Right?
-New Kat is gonna do that
by showing one boob
through the bra
-'cause it's just
her first time.
-[laughs]
Now you're talking.
Just make sure you use
the bigger one.
Wait-- How do you know
I have a bigger one?
We all have a bigger one.
It's your right one.
Oh... Oh.
Oh.
Well, that is a lot more
alarming than a canoe.
I mean, Randi started
spinning out
from a picture of Daniel
in a kayak.
I don't think she'll take
very kindly to one of him
-kissing a mystery bride.
-Hmm.
You were right to come to me.
Who else have you told?
Just you and Buttons here,
my emotional support cat.
I use her a lot when I get off
the phone with you.
I told you to get
your own membership
It's very handy.
You know, my neighbor,
to the east?
Been arrested twice
for petty theft.
That's why I won't put out
lawn ornaments.
Well, you missed
your calling, Mother.
You should have been in the CIA.
How do you know I'm not?
Because you've never
worn an outfit
that blended into anything
or anywhere.
Maybe Randi knows Daniel
was married before.
You said he's a bit older
than her.
No, I don't think so.
He told her she was
the first person
he could see a future with.
Okay, so he's a liar.
Or there's another explanation
we haven't even thought of.
Yeah-- Maybe I should
just let this go.
Not so fast.
Katharine,
he could be a polygamist.
I mean, if Randi's gonna be
a sister wife, she should know,
and more importantly,
what number she'll be.
You do not want
to be number five.
All right.
Now, what's Daniel's last name?
[sighs]
Waxmore.
There's no turning back
now, Buttons.
Hold me.
What's up, big-ass hobbit?
Have you seen Max?
[hobbit voice]:
Oh, Max left the Shire.
He's on a great quest.
Might I be of help?
Don't do that. That's creepy.
Do what?
[regular voice]:
I got these when I was reading
Lord of the Rings
with my students.
Found my old teaching bag.
Got some
reward stickers in here.
Got-- ooh, my big red
praise button.
WOMAN [over device]:
Nice job.
You're awesome.
I wouldn't mind if that button
was my next wife.
-[laughs]: Yeah.
-Hey.
Thanks again for doing this,
by the way.
Oh, no problem.
I'm getting excited to tutor CJ.
Well, that makes one of you.
He said he doesn't need school
to become a professional gamer.
He's actually right.
Some of them make
millions of dollars a year.
Whose side are you on, man?
[hobbit voice]:
Hobbits don't take sides.
But we do take second breakfast.
Hey, honey, let's get kinky
in the bedroom.
WOMAN [over device]:
Great idea.
I'm-a put a ring on her finger.
Phil, is Randi in?
And if she is,
did she seem like she might be
open to earth-shattering news?
She's not here yet.
What's wrong?
I can't say.
It's very, very personal.
I discovered that her boyfriend
was officially married
when he was 22 and there's
no record of divorce.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
He's gonna kill her.
What? No.
I didn't discover
that he's a murderer.
Yet.
But once you start lying
and having affairs,
it's a slippery slope
to stuffing somebody
in a barrel full of acid.
RANDI:
Hello, hello, hello.
Oh, hi. Wow, you look so...
-happy and vibrant.
-Well, that's because
this morning, Daniel brought
me breakfast in bed
and he gave me a massage
and ran me a hot bath.
So basically, I have been
grubbed, rubbed and scrubbed.
[Kat chuckles]
You know, I'm a tub person, too.
People like their showers,
but I like my tubs.
Anyway, I really need
to use our facilities,
because I haven't figured
out the bathroom acoustics
at my new place yet
and I got a little potty shy.
[chuckles]
Um, here's that popcorn salt
you asked for.
Oh, thank you. I don't know
when they're gonna allow me
back in that store.
I swear I thought
that woman was choking.
So, what are you gonna do
about Randi?
Well, I am not gonna tell her.
What do you mean,
you're not gonna tell her?
You didn't let me finish.
Yes, I did. Your inflection
definitely implied
that you were done.
Well, I intended it
as an ellipsis.
I'm not gonna tell her--
dot, dot, dot--
just yet.
But you have to tell her
because I cannot keep secrets.
When my brother Larry Bo told me
that he stole that heifer,
he swore me to silence.
But the police knocked
on the door.
I said, "Larry Bo did it.
It was him.
-It was Larry Bo."
-Did they arrest him?
Yes, ma'am, they did.
But you know what?
He found God in prison,
and now my mama likes to say,
"I wish the rest of y'all
were more like Larry Bo."
Ooh. Pisses me off.
Well, I will tell Randi
when the moment is right.
And I'm not exactly sure
when that moment will be.
Might be today,
might be tomorrow,
might be on a long car ride
after she's fallen asleep.
RANDI:
Ah, much better.
How you doing today, Phil?
-Daniel's been married!
-Phil!
I'm sorry,
it came out like a sneeze.
Wait, what is he talking about?
Uh, when I was helping you move
at Daniel's,
I-I accidentally knocked
a book down and...
...found this.
What the hell?
He never said he was married.
I know, so I did
some research with my mom
and he does have a marriage
certificate on record.
He also has great credit,
so, you know,
good points, bad points.
Wait, so you told your mother
and Phil about this before me?
And I heard snippets of it.
I-I just didn't want to add
more stress to your life.
Well, do you know
what would be less stressful?
You not snooping
through my boyfriend's stuff.
Hey, I wasn't snooping.
I really wish
I hadn't stumbled
on that picture.
It's been really stressful
for me, too.
Oh, so I'm supposed
to feel sorry for you now?
Hey, why are you mad at me?
I mean, shouldn't you be
upset with Daniel?
Oh, I can be upset with more
than one person at a time.
It's a special skill I have.
I told you that the universe
would seek its revenge
after you stole that cat food.
That was one heck
of a karmic bitch slap.
This is not an admission
of guilt, Pete.
I am returning this to remind
the universe
what a good person I am,
so that the universe
will remind my friend.
That'll be $23.99.
Hey, CJ. How's it going?
Have you gotten taller
since I saw you last?
Me, I'm great.
Got bit by a spider.
Now I have superpowers.
Probably use them for good.
Maybe not.
[phone chimes]
Hello?
Dude, pay attention
to the real world.
CARTER:
CJ,
how did you get your phone back?
I took his phone
and hid it in my sock.
And he replaced it
with a deck of cards.
Ta-da.
[chuckles]
I got it.
-What are you playing?
-Island Hoppers.
Oh. I love that game.
I just paved one of my streets
with gold.
No way. How did you do that?
Have a lot of free time
for a man my age.
All right, tell you what.
Why don't you put your phone
down, you give me 30 minutes,
and then I'll invite you over
to my island to go fishing.
-Cool?
-Okay.
All right, so let me see
your homework.
[sniffs]
Awesome filing system.
Ooh-- smells like chocolate.
Ah, and there's the chocolate.
[both chuckle]
So, as I was leaving the pet
store, I got a text from Randi,
and I thought it was the
karma gods answering my prayers.
But she just said, "I need you
to give me some space."
Like, what do you think
that means?
I think it means
she might want some space.
But then she said, "I'm not
coming in to work tomorrow."
Like, what do you think
that means?
Ooh, that one's harder.
I'm not good
at giving people their space.
You know, my instinct is to just
casually show up at her door
and, when she answers it,
handcuff myself to her.
-You have handcuffs?
-[chuckles]: Yeah,
I have handcuffs.
They came with my magic kit.
Interesting. What else
don't I know about you?
I think the real question is,
what don't I know about you?
I mean, have you ever had
a secret marriage?
No. But,
cards on the table,
I was arrested once.
Tell me more.
Am I dating a bad boy?
A menace to society?
I did about 35 minutes
in mall jail once
for swiping pennies
from the fountain.
Those are people's wishes.
-I'm not proud.
-[laughs]
What about you? Any secrets?
Well,
I took a somewhat risqué picture
for you,
and I-I never sent it.
What? Why don't you send it?
I just got distracted
by the Randi stuff.
And, like,
maybe I'm a little shy.
-Send it to me. Please?
-Oh.
[sputters]
Okay.
[phone chimes]
[chuckles]:
Oh!
Max sent me a picture
of Carter's kid.
Oh, he looks just like Carter.
Will you stop stalling?
I have to drive around
and deliver packages
for 12 hours.
I need that picture
to get me through my shift.
Okay, okay. I'll just...
I'm gonna do it from over here.
I'm still feeling a little shy,
so I'll just...
I'll be over here.
Just down here.
Okay, it sent.
[squeals]
So?
Speechless?
That could be a good thing
or a bad thing.
Which is it, good or bad?
Neither.
I just haven't gotten it yet.
Oh. That's weird.
Maybe it's taking a minute
to load
'cause the Internet
can't believe what it's seeing.
-[chuckles] Okay.
-Ooh!
I'll just resend it.
Did you get it?
No.
How about now?
Nope.
"...continued growth
of the electric car industry."
Very good. And fun fact,
before Tesla was a car,
he was a dude
who invented a lot of cool stuff
and had
a very sharp-looking mustache.
-Really?
-Yep. Here, take a look.
[phone chimes]
That's not a guy.
That's a lady with no shirt on.
-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
-[chuckles]
Do not look at your phone!
I saw it.
Actually, wesaw it.
Hi there.
Hello.
-Honey,
that's hardly pornographic.
-Okay, thank you.
I feel so much better.
That bra you got on
gives you more coverage
than my mama's
old bathing costume.
-Okay, well,
that was my sexy bra.
-I remember
it had snaps in the crotch
so she could go to the outhouse.
-Hey.
-Hi. So,
obviously, that picture
was meant for Oscar.
-Yeah, I figured. Lucky guy.
-[chuckles]
Thanks. Did you think
it looked like I was wearing
a vintage bathing costume?
Because I have one of those,
and it's completely different,
Phil.
No, you looked great. But that
picture wasn't meant for me,
-so that's all
I'm gonna say about that.
-[chuckles]
And hopefully
Oscar finally got one,
because I got ten of them.
Yeah, I kept trying
to resend it to Oscar.
-Yeah, I figured that out
around picture eight.
-[chuckles]
Does Carter hate me now
'cause I traumatized his son?
No, he said you got CJ finally
interested in learning again.
Actually,
I came over to thank you
for volunteering me to help him.
It just reminded me
of how much I love teaching.
[hobbit voice]:
Did you use your hobbit voice?
[hobbit voice]:
Not with CJ. He wasn't ready.
[normal voice]:
Well, you're welcome.
[normal voice]:
Oh, by the way, I heard
about what happened with Randi.
You did? How?
Well, after she stormed
out of here,
she came over to the bar,
took three shots,
-and called you a few names.
-Oh.
Yeah, she's pretty mad.
I'm just trying
to give her her space.
Well, that's not you.
You're more
of a "chase them down,
push them into a snowbank,
and sit on them until
they talk about it" person.
I only did that because
you weren't answering my calls
about going to see
Celtic Thunder.
My silence was the answer.
Randi?
Randi, open the door.
I've given you enough space.
I cannot believe
you brought me here.
You know I'm conflict-averse.
My barber has been
calling me Jethro for 20 years.
I just answer to it.
Well, she'll yell at me less
if you're here
because you have
resting sad face.
Plus,
you owe me
for spilling the beans.
You put the beans in my mouth.
You know I can't hold my beans.
I'm not leaving here
without talking to you.
Oh, I see your window
is open a little bit.
I think I'm just gonna
stick my head in here.
Maybe we can talk that way.
Come on, Phil. We're going in.
Oh, Lord.
I'm gonna be sharing
a prison cell
with Larry Bo soon enough.
[scoffs]
-[screams]
-Oh! Oh, Phil!
Help. Phil. Oh.
[both grunting]
Oh, Lord.
I haven't been
between a woman's legs
since the day I was born.
It's like working a wheelbarrow.
-[phone rings]
-Oh!
That's my phone.
Can you grab it?
-It's Randi.
-Oh, answer it.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Randi. It's Phil.
I'm with Kat. Where are you?
She's at your place.
It sounds like she's crying.
Oh, no. Uh, tell her
I'll be right there.
Randi, honey?
She'll be right there.
Oh, and this may cheer you up.
I just had my first
heterosexual experience.
[Kat scoffs]
So, does that mean
you're breaking up?
I think so.
And it's not even
because he was married.
He said
she was his college girlfriend
and they got hitched
at one of those 24-hour places
at the last minute.
Hmm. She was wearing
an awfully fancy dress
for a last-minute wedding.
It came with the package,
and it was Velcro'd up the back.
Velcro is amazing.
Why do we use anything else?
Anyway, they got it annulled
after a month.
Records of annulment are not
kept on file by the state
And all of that
I could have been okay with.
But what I wasn't okay with
was him telling me
that I was overreacting
and that I needed
to calm down
and-and not worry so much.
And then suddenly,
I start seeing an entire future
of him telling me how to feel,
and no one
tells Randi how to feel.
Have I ever told you
how to feel?
-A couple times.
-I won't do it again.
But there is one thing
that I do need you to do.
If you ever have a problem
with me
or find out something about me,
you come to me first.
That's girl code.
You're right. I'm sorry.
And I'm not gonna lie,
I love that we have a code.
[both chuckle]
You can stay here
as long as you need to.
We can hang out after work,
booze it up.
We can share each other's jeans
like that movie. [chuckles]
[chuckles]:
You are so weird.
But I owe you.
I love you, too.
I-I said I owe you.
[laughs]: Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.
I owe you, too.
Oh, geez, you're gonna go
all Single White Femaleon me,
aren't you?
[laughs]
[mutters]
Here's the deal, Pete.
My girl Kat
went through all the trouble
of collecting 20 receipts
in a fanny pack
that she made herself.
Pretty proud of that pack, Pete.
And then you up and cancel
the loyalty program
out of nowhere, which was
really upsetting for her.
I lost sleep, Pete.
RANDI:
And when my friend is upset,
Iget upset. So let me tell you
what's gonna happen, Pete.
Kat is gonna take that bag
of cat food that you owe her,
and in return,
I am gonna give you
a punch card to our café.
After ten punches,
you get a free coffee.
And do you know why, Pete?
Because we keep
our promises, Pete.
Mm-hmm.
KAT:
So, here we go,
taking what is owed to us.
And if I was you,
I would stay
behind that counter, Pete.
I learned how
to whup a little ass
in my cardio boot camp.
Oh!
We meant that, Pete.
["Bad to the Bone" playing]