Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 4, Episode 7 - The Hard Wiener of Truth - full transcript
Still reeling from the shocking truth about his father, Fitz takes a drive down memory lane that leaves him with an even bigger identity crisis than he started with. Now that Fitzpatrick Motors is defunct, Fitz gets Josh and Larry to help him steal back "his childhood car, Betsy", in hopes of selling her off to the highest bidder. Along the way he gets swept up in a flood of nostalgia that blurrs the line between man and machine. Meanwhile Ken, who's out to relive some old memories of his own, gets a rude spiritual awakening when he tracks down a lost love from his past.
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Where the fuck
are all the cars?
They were repossessed.
All you've ever
done is fuck me.
I fucked you?
You you you,
you love each other.
I think Richard is
acting up because
he feels abandoned.
By his mother, his
father, his son,
and now you leaving
makes it worse.
Ya, ya what he said.
Someone on this strip
is trying to
fuck our dealership.
Mr. Childs told me
that he's Ken's
long lost brother?
I could have been
Mrs. Pat Childs.
(manic laughter)
Well fuck me.
If you were plowing
her with Burbon Sours
then that means you...
Fucking proposed?
Oh ya...
No european country
prohibits marriage
between first cousins.
We are not doing shit
until you tell me why
your brother is here.
I think it's time we
told everyone the truth.
Richard, I am your real father.
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
So that means Paula is...
My sister.
Wait a second,
so Ken's not my real father?
(crowd gasps and twitters)
When people lose something,
they find ways to
fill the void.
Sometimes with a
business opportunity.
Who needs a son when
daddy's got game.
Come on, fuckers!
(♪
♪)
Sometimes with therapy.
This is all the family I need.
(♪
♪)
And sometimes with
a pathetic attempt
to make up for lost time.
My father -
our father would like
to offer you a job.
You tell douche beard he can't
buy his way into my life.
We'd start you at
120,000 Richard.
And it would give us a
chance to work together,
as brother and sister.
In case you change your mind.
But somewhere along the way,
he'll be faced with a choice
that will define who
he is as a man.
Get off my property.
Real men stick to
their guns and find
their own path.
Real men know if you
play your cards right,
the world is your oyster.
(car horn)
You're a fuckin loser Fitz.
Fuck.
(♪
♪)
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪
(♪ Sad jazzy horn music )
What the fuck do you want?
The secret is heart.
(♪
♪)
Oh my god, the hot
dog is right.
Maggie.
(hammering)
Ok, Richard, is this
really necessary?
Get off my ass,
felchy-smurf.
Every time your mother
abandons the family,
you tend to --
Not want to talk about it.
Don't don't look
at this as a loss,
look at it as a gain.
Now you got two daddys.
Who are both lying
sacks of shit.
Face it, the dealership's done.
Richard, you've worked your
whole life to build
this dealership.
What are you going
to do for money?
Don't worry your
freakishly-shaped
head over it.
Fitzy's got a plan
to put us back
on easy street.
Fuck! There's gotta
be something
worth pawning in this shithole.
S'up?
What are you doing?
Looking for the cat.
We do not have a cat.
And mystery solved.
You are welcome.
You want to look for something,
look for something I can sell.
Oh hey, what about this?
Never.
That is a priceless memory of
Richard's father.
Ex-father,
dick-drool.
Yeah, Larry.
Wait a minute.
If Ken isn't your
father then that
means that we are.
Friends, Josh.
I knew it, you big
tall bastard.
Legacy is not about blood,
it's about nurturing.
Think of Grandma Alice.
She faced adversity,
and yet found
triumph and she even
managed to give back
with philanthropic pursuits.
Look!
She gave all her
money to A. A.!
Josh, you're a fucking genius.
Yeah I know, right.
Wait, why?
Betsy.
The car that made
me fall in love
with everything.
She must be worth
a mint by now.
We gotta track Betsy down.
How do you plan on
doing that, Mr.?
Don't worry.
I got a guy.
Foxley Classics.
Get your blast from the past,
with no money down.
Foxley?
This is your lucky day.
Fitz?
I don't think so.
I need you to track down my
first love Foxley.
Betsy.
She's a '52 Elwood Classic.
Well, well.
Look who's come crawling back
on his hands and
knees, huh Fitz?
Isn't that your
go-to position?
I'll take that as a compliment.
Still know how to
charm a girl, I see.
Look, find the car,
I'll kick you a finder's fee.
Five bills.
A grand.
C'mon, Foxley.
Seven-fifty.
For old time's sake.
For old time's sake?
Why didn't you say so.
Twelve hundred.
Fuck.
Fine.
A grand it is but I
want it by noon.
Deal.
Foxley...
(♪
♪)
Still got it, old man.
Some of it, anyway.
Maggie Murphy.
Yeah, I put on a few years.
Unlike you.
Oh, tell that to my tits.
If they're talking,
I'm listening.
We had some crazy times, huh?
Yeah.
Streaking through the casino.
You mean running
naked 'cause my
boyfriend had a shotgun.
That quickee to Rio?
You mean when you
left me stranded at
the airport 'cause
you took Elaine
instead of me?
Oh yeah.
You shoulda been there.
Cuba, that was you.
Oh, Tequila.
Qualuudes.
A cheap motel room.
And...
(whispers)
That I will never forget.
Why don't we take
this conversation
somewhere else.
Done.
I know.
This is awkward for me too.
You know, because you were
my girlfriend.
And we dated...
Come through, Foxley?
Piece of cake.
How did you find it so fast?
Your mom sold it to me
before she blew town.
She didn't even negotiate.
A little fuck you to
you and your old man.
She knew how much
that car meant
to you and Ken.
Oh and I'm keeping it.
Okay, first of all,
he's not my old man,
and we had a deal.
To find the car.
Which I did.
The rest of your
deal can go climb
up your urethra like
those charming
little penis fish
in the Amazon.
Yuck.
Dot, this car is not just a
car to Richard.
It's love.
Abandoned by his
father and mother,
he needs to fill the void
in his heart.
Look, if this is about us,
don't drag them into it.
You really think I'd
get in bed with you
after you ruined my life?
I never meant to hurt you.
You're the one who
walked away from
the dealership.
Which one?
The rotting pile of
ash or the dumpy
trailer on the ass end
of dealership row?
You know what?
He's right.
You broke up with me.
Fine.
I'll give you 5k for
the car right now.
Larry?
Oh... uh...
How do you feel about layaway?
Like I want to roll
it up and skull
fuck you with it.
Ladies.
Hey! Hey!
Hi, how are ya?
Ok. Alright.
Sorry you guys had to
witness that by the way.
What can I say?
This stud is hard to get over.
Had some good
times in old Bets.
You might say it's your
very own time machine,
transporting you
back to the land
of yesteryear.
It's a time machine?
Holy shit!
(ZAP!)
Ouch!
Richard, this is the
universe telling you
to work through
your issues with
your father and --
Steal the car.
I'm gonna make her mine again.
No, I'm pretty sure
the universe does
not condone grand theft auto.
Josh can you
de-electrify
this fence?
Can a child soldier
lay a minefield?
We cannot steal a car
in broad daylight!
Ya, Larry's right.
Thank you.
We'll wait until dark.
You wi -
awww.
Josh, let's go get a drink.
The Church of Intimate Light.
Didn't that used to
be a rub'n tug?
It's still a still a
place of connection,
only now it helps us
unlock the deity within.
What are you, a fortune cookie?
Think of me as a
cookie of eternal
happiness, a way to touch the
divine and caress the future.
Are we still talking
about fucking.
I never should have
brought you here.
I just thought the
church might give
you a sense of release.
The kind of release I need,
you don't do in church.
Don't you ever want
to reach for
something more?
That's what you said
to me that night we
were caught doing it
on the roof of
the Hojos.
(laughter)
There's more than one
way to talk to god.
You wanna talk to God?
I got a mic right here.
Too much huh?
We're not getting
any younger, Kenny.
And this is something I
really believe in.
Fuck me.
Not unless you're a
member of the church.
I'm in, C'mon.
For the record, I am still not
condoning this crime!
Relax dick stilts.
It's not a crime if it already
belongs to you.
This is the
family car --
it's my fucking legacy.
Just look at her curves.
You two keep an eye
out for the cops.
This is gonna require the
old Fitzy touch.
Oh... yeah.
C'mon baby.
Come on.
That's my girl.
Let's go.
(bell rings)
(chanting)
My balls are cold.
Doesn't your divine
leader believe in heat?
Modesty is a pebble
on the path to
enlightenment.
You weren't so modest
back in the day.
Fuck.
Feels like I got a
pebble shoved
up my ass.
Ahem, shhhhh.
Silence begets honesty, friend.
Oh.
You want some fucking honesty?
Why didn't you say so?
Listen up fucknuts,
because I'll only
say this once.
We're all full of shit.
But at least I admit it.
I don't pretend to be
some Larry Krishna
bragging about how
humble he is.
Ken, c'mon, sit down.
I'm not sittin' anywhere.
This fake guru bullshit is
a cover up and you know it.
As if these assholes
weren't a bunch
of fired baristas.
I was LAID OFF!
I honestly think if
you'd get your sack
drained and have a
stiff drink you
wouldn't need to dress like
Gandhi's homo brother.
He's right, Stu.
It's Ravi Guruswami!
And I'm the one
leading the circle
of free sharing, ok!
This is Burning Man
all over again.
Obviously your unwillingness
to accept Ravi
Guruswamin's supreme
enlightenment has
dimmed your kwom.
You hear that
barista-boy.
He kicked you in the kwom.
Yeah, well I kicked
his ass back in
middle school and
I'll do it again.
Okay, you just
bought yourself an
hour scrubbing out
the reflective pool.
I'm shaking, Stu.
Make that two hours.
Those were MY fire
stilts and you know it!
(laughs)
Is this the kind
of help you were
looking for, Magpie?
Let's get outta here.
What the fuck's taking so long?
Josh! Josh!
Sorry, man.
Titanium locks --
no way we can cut through it.
Fuck.
Richard, it's times
like this we need to
think like Grandma Alice.
Did she let her
drinking problem
topple her?
No, she went
to A. A.
It's all about moving
through adversity.
You're absolutely
right, stink-pickle.
We need to move through.
Move through very, very fast.
Josh, get out of
the fucking way!
Oh no no no.
(tires squeal)
WAIT FOR ME!!!!
(♪
♪)
Hasn't changed one bit.
Same old shitty carpet.
Same lumpy bed.
You don't suppose?
No way.
It's been decades.
Still there.
You think this is
one of the ones we
laced with pcp?
Only one way to find out.
Oh God, no!
It's been years.
Like riding a bicycle.
Oh that's pretty good.
Typical.
Another broad that let me down.
(car starter turning over)
Fuck!
Everything this family
touches breaks.
What isn't broken is
that hearty
Fitzpatrick spirit.
What is broken is
your face if you
open your pie-hole
one more time.
What the fuck is wrong
with this car, Josh?
Well, we did just go through a
chain-linked
fence,
so it could be multiple things.
I got to get it to a garage.
Whoah! Hey! Whoah!
Jeez, at least you still have
the memories, man.
That's what's good
about time machines.
There's no such thing as
time machines, idiot!
Richard, it is a time machine.
Look, June 14th, 1989.
That's the day you
ran into that
fire hydrant.
The day Ken taught
me how to hot wire.
Yeah.
'89?
Holy shit.
Hey, come here, look.
Junior High.
Remember?
Our first joint.
We dropped the cherry.
We almost set the car on fire.
Your father was so mad.
He's not my father,
dick-limbs.
Or didn't you get that memo?
No, Richard.
You didn't.
You may not be bonded to your
family by the chains
of DNA but you are
bonded by happy
memories mister.
"AA"
That's Grandma Alice.
It doesn't stand for
Alcoholics Anonymous.
It stands for Asslove Alice.
Ohhh Alice.
I loved her work.
This is classic stuff, Larry.
Grandma Alice?
But her philanthropic pursuits!
She wasn't a
whatever-the-
fuck-ipist,
she fucked for money.
Don't you get it?
I used to wack
off to your nana.
There's nothing good about
the Fitzpatricks.
Ken, Alice,
even this car is a
piece of shit.
I risked my ass to
save you from Foxley.
And this is how it ends?
I thought we had
something special.
Fuck.
We'll give you some
time, Richard.
This is a lot to process.
Josh and I will try
to find us a way
to get home.
I'll leave you and
Betsy alone now.
(♪
♪)
(laughing)
They don't make dope
like they used to.
There's a lot of
things they don't
make like they use to.
I'd do a couple of things
differently though.
We can.
You and me.
Like we should've
done all those years
ago before that kid
fucked up my life.
You mean it?
Starting with this.
Oh, Kenny!
I mean who would have thunk it?
Every gas station on
the North Side closed
because of National
Mechanics Day?
I didn't get the memo...
What the...
(groans)
Ooooh Betsy.
Let's run away together Maggie.
Start over.
Fuck my family.
But first, you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Betsy! Yeah!
Oh yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OH YEAHHHH!
AAAAAHHHHH!
Richard --
Ahh...
I got nothing.
Ah, Richard...
You are filling an
emotional void with
with an erotic fixation on your
first love, the automobile.
Yeah I mean, I got busy with a
spatula once, you know,
but then again,
you know, who didn't?
Right?
Richard, you cannot solve
everything with intercourse.
(car roars to life)
You were saying?
Hahaha, shotgun!
(♪
♪)
(♪ Smooth jazzy Horn Music )
Why have I got lube in my eyes?
That's a tear.
Fitzpatricks don't
have tear ducts: fact.
What the fuck do I
have to cry about?
Your son.
I only have one son
and his name is
Meghan Fitzpatrick.
So that that's
what's eating you,
isn't it?
You didn't leave me for Elaine.
You left me for your family.
For your son.
That makes about as
much sense as a
Chinaman winning the Indy 500.
I know that look Ken.
That's denial.
Also, drugs.
But mainly denial.
Right, I went back for the
bullshit kid and
the bullshit wife.
And everything worked
out hunky-dory.
You're being sarcastic.
Am I?
Wait, am I?
You feel better now?
Must have been the grass.
It's called talking
about your feelings.
You always could read me.
You have a special gift.
And it's not just
that thing you do
with your tongue.
Well I better get going.
Prayer session in two hours.
Back to Guru
Fucknuts' Playhouse?
You don't need those
miserable pricks.
Well I may not need the church,
but the church needs me.
You're right, I do have a gift.
And it's time those
bastards could
see it too.
Give 'em hell, Mags.
That's Maggie Guruswami
to you, fucknuts.
Give em hell.
Oh, great.
Another booze-soaked
drunken-daddy call.
What is it this time?
A few shots of
whiskey with a side
order of regret?
My mom left.
Ken's not my real father.
Pat Childs is.
Ugh, unbelievable.
As always, it is all about you.
Did you even hear what I said?
I cannot even begin
to describe to you
the size of the fuck
I do not give.
Who cares if Ken is not
your biological father.
Case in point:
you are the
biological father of my child,
your only son,
and we both know
that means nothing.
(baby cries)
It's up to you, Fitz.
Get a life or take
some place else.
Hey! You lying
meatsack!
Who the fuck says the
secret is "heart?!"
The heart is nothing
but a fucked up,
miserable, abandoning whore!
What are you talking about?
It's 100% pure beef heart.
Organic, rich in iron,
silky texture.
Buy three, get one free!
(♪ Just a Closer
Walk with Thee ♪)
♪ Just a closer
walk with thee ♪
♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea ♪
Your chosen elixir?
Triple scotch, straight up.
And what of you, White Satan?
Three fingers of bourbon.
Neat.
♪ Let it be dear lord
let it be ♪
(♪
♪)
There will be no cancer causing
sticks in this establishment!
Get out.
We are neither in Cameroon,
nor the mid-to-late
nineties!
GOOD DAY,
SIR!
♪ When my feeble life is over ♪
♪ Time for me shall
be no more ♪
♪ Guide me gently,
safely over ♪
♪ To thy kingdom shores
♪ To thy shore.
Hey Childs, it's Fitz.
Listen, about
that job offer --
We should talk.
Just a closer walk...
♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea.
♪ Daily walking close to thee ♪
♪ Let it be dear lord,
let it be ♪
♪ Just a closer walk
with thee-eeeee ♪
Where the fuck
are all the cars?
They were repossessed.
All you've ever
done is fuck me.
I fucked you?
You you you,
you love each other.
I think Richard is
acting up because
he feels abandoned.
By his mother, his
father, his son,
and now you leaving
makes it worse.
Ya, ya what he said.
Someone on this strip
is trying to
fuck our dealership.
Mr. Childs told me
that he's Ken's
long lost brother?
I could have been
Mrs. Pat Childs.
(manic laughter)
Well fuck me.
If you were plowing
her with Burbon Sours
then that means you...
Fucking proposed?
Oh ya...
No european country
prohibits marriage
between first cousins.
We are not doing shit
until you tell me why
your brother is here.
I think it's time we
told everyone the truth.
Richard, I am your real father.
You gotta be
fucking kidding me.
So that means Paula is...
My sister.
Wait a second,
so Ken's not my real father?
(crowd gasps and twitters)
When people lose something,
they find ways to
fill the void.
Sometimes with a
business opportunity.
Who needs a son when
daddy's got game.
Come on, fuckers!
(♪
♪)
Sometimes with therapy.
This is all the family I need.
(♪
♪)
And sometimes with
a pathetic attempt
to make up for lost time.
My father -
our father would like
to offer you a job.
You tell douche beard he can't
buy his way into my life.
We'd start you at
120,000 Richard.
And it would give us a
chance to work together,
as brother and sister.
In case you change your mind.
But somewhere along the way,
he'll be faced with a choice
that will define who
he is as a man.
Get off my property.
Real men stick to
their guns and find
their own path.
Real men know if you
play your cards right,
the world is your oyster.
(car horn)
You're a fuckin loser Fitz.
Fuck.
(♪
♪)
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪
(♪ Sad jazzy horn music )
What the fuck do you want?
The secret is heart.
(♪
♪)
Oh my god, the hot
dog is right.
Maggie.
(hammering)
Ok, Richard, is this
really necessary?
Get off my ass,
felchy-smurf.
Every time your mother
abandons the family,
you tend to --
Not want to talk about it.
Don't don't look
at this as a loss,
look at it as a gain.
Now you got two daddys.
Who are both lying
sacks of shit.
Face it, the dealership's done.
Richard, you've worked your
whole life to build
this dealership.
What are you going
to do for money?
Don't worry your
freakishly-shaped
head over it.
Fitzy's got a plan
to put us back
on easy street.
Fuck! There's gotta
be something
worth pawning in this shithole.
S'up?
What are you doing?
Looking for the cat.
We do not have a cat.
And mystery solved.
You are welcome.
You want to look for something,
look for something I can sell.
Oh hey, what about this?
Never.
That is a priceless memory of
Richard's father.
Ex-father,
dick-drool.
Yeah, Larry.
Wait a minute.
If Ken isn't your
father then that
means that we are.
Friends, Josh.
I knew it, you big
tall bastard.
Legacy is not about blood,
it's about nurturing.
Think of Grandma Alice.
She faced adversity,
and yet found
triumph and she even
managed to give back
with philanthropic pursuits.
Look!
She gave all her
money to A. A.!
Josh, you're a fucking genius.
Yeah I know, right.
Wait, why?
Betsy.
The car that made
me fall in love
with everything.
She must be worth
a mint by now.
We gotta track Betsy down.
How do you plan on
doing that, Mr.?
Don't worry.
I got a guy.
Foxley Classics.
Get your blast from the past,
with no money down.
Foxley?
This is your lucky day.
Fitz?
I don't think so.
I need you to track down my
first love Foxley.
Betsy.
She's a '52 Elwood Classic.
Well, well.
Look who's come crawling back
on his hands and
knees, huh Fitz?
Isn't that your
go-to position?
I'll take that as a compliment.
Still know how to
charm a girl, I see.
Look, find the car,
I'll kick you a finder's fee.
Five bills.
A grand.
C'mon, Foxley.
Seven-fifty.
For old time's sake.
For old time's sake?
Why didn't you say so.
Twelve hundred.
Fuck.
Fine.
A grand it is but I
want it by noon.
Deal.
Foxley...
(♪
♪)
Still got it, old man.
Some of it, anyway.
Maggie Murphy.
Yeah, I put on a few years.
Unlike you.
Oh, tell that to my tits.
If they're talking,
I'm listening.
We had some crazy times, huh?
Yeah.
Streaking through the casino.
You mean running
naked 'cause my
boyfriend had a shotgun.
That quickee to Rio?
You mean when you
left me stranded at
the airport 'cause
you took Elaine
instead of me?
Oh yeah.
You shoulda been there.
Cuba, that was you.
Oh, Tequila.
Qualuudes.
A cheap motel room.
And...
(whispers)
That I will never forget.
Why don't we take
this conversation
somewhere else.
Done.
I know.
This is awkward for me too.
You know, because you were
my girlfriend.
And we dated...
Come through, Foxley?
Piece of cake.
How did you find it so fast?
Your mom sold it to me
before she blew town.
She didn't even negotiate.
A little fuck you to
you and your old man.
She knew how much
that car meant
to you and Ken.
Oh and I'm keeping it.
Okay, first of all,
he's not my old man,
and we had a deal.
To find the car.
Which I did.
The rest of your
deal can go climb
up your urethra like
those charming
little penis fish
in the Amazon.
Yuck.
Dot, this car is not just a
car to Richard.
It's love.
Abandoned by his
father and mother,
he needs to fill the void
in his heart.
Look, if this is about us,
don't drag them into it.
You really think I'd
get in bed with you
after you ruined my life?
I never meant to hurt you.
You're the one who
walked away from
the dealership.
Which one?
The rotting pile of
ash or the dumpy
trailer on the ass end
of dealership row?
You know what?
He's right.
You broke up with me.
Fine.
I'll give you 5k for
the car right now.
Larry?
Oh... uh...
How do you feel about layaway?
Like I want to roll
it up and skull
fuck you with it.
Ladies.
Hey! Hey!
Hi, how are ya?
Ok. Alright.
Sorry you guys had to
witness that by the way.
What can I say?
This stud is hard to get over.
Had some good
times in old Bets.
You might say it's your
very own time machine,
transporting you
back to the land
of yesteryear.
It's a time machine?
Holy shit!
(ZAP!)
Ouch!
Richard, this is the
universe telling you
to work through
your issues with
your father and --
Steal the car.
I'm gonna make her mine again.
No, I'm pretty sure
the universe does
not condone grand theft auto.
Josh can you
de-electrify
this fence?
Can a child soldier
lay a minefield?
We cannot steal a car
in broad daylight!
Ya, Larry's right.
Thank you.
We'll wait until dark.
You wi -
awww.
Josh, let's go get a drink.
The Church of Intimate Light.
Didn't that used to
be a rub'n tug?
It's still a still a
place of connection,
only now it helps us
unlock the deity within.
What are you, a fortune cookie?
Think of me as a
cookie of eternal
happiness, a way to touch the
divine and caress the future.
Are we still talking
about fucking.
I never should have
brought you here.
I just thought the
church might give
you a sense of release.
The kind of release I need,
you don't do in church.
Don't you ever want
to reach for
something more?
That's what you said
to me that night we
were caught doing it
on the roof of
the Hojos.
(laughter)
There's more than one
way to talk to god.
You wanna talk to God?
I got a mic right here.
Too much huh?
We're not getting
any younger, Kenny.
And this is something I
really believe in.
Fuck me.
Not unless you're a
member of the church.
I'm in, C'mon.
For the record, I am still not
condoning this crime!
Relax dick stilts.
It's not a crime if it already
belongs to you.
This is the
family car --
it's my fucking legacy.
Just look at her curves.
You two keep an eye
out for the cops.
This is gonna require the
old Fitzy touch.
Oh... yeah.
C'mon baby.
Come on.
That's my girl.
Let's go.
(bell rings)
(chanting)
My balls are cold.
Doesn't your divine
leader believe in heat?
Modesty is a pebble
on the path to
enlightenment.
You weren't so modest
back in the day.
Fuck.
Feels like I got a
pebble shoved
up my ass.
Ahem, shhhhh.
Silence begets honesty, friend.
Oh.
You want some fucking honesty?
Why didn't you say so?
Listen up fucknuts,
because I'll only
say this once.
We're all full of shit.
But at least I admit it.
I don't pretend to be
some Larry Krishna
bragging about how
humble he is.
Ken, c'mon, sit down.
I'm not sittin' anywhere.
This fake guru bullshit is
a cover up and you know it.
As if these assholes
weren't a bunch
of fired baristas.
I was LAID OFF!
I honestly think if
you'd get your sack
drained and have a
stiff drink you
wouldn't need to dress like
Gandhi's homo brother.
He's right, Stu.
It's Ravi Guruswami!
And I'm the one
leading the circle
of free sharing, ok!
This is Burning Man
all over again.
Obviously your unwillingness
to accept Ravi
Guruswamin's supreme
enlightenment has
dimmed your kwom.
You hear that
barista-boy.
He kicked you in the kwom.
Yeah, well I kicked
his ass back in
middle school and
I'll do it again.
Okay, you just
bought yourself an
hour scrubbing out
the reflective pool.
I'm shaking, Stu.
Make that two hours.
Those were MY fire
stilts and you know it!
(laughs)
Is this the kind
of help you were
looking for, Magpie?
Let's get outta here.
What the fuck's taking so long?
Josh! Josh!
Sorry, man.
Titanium locks --
no way we can cut through it.
Fuck.
Richard, it's times
like this we need to
think like Grandma Alice.
Did she let her
drinking problem
topple her?
No, she went
to A. A.
It's all about moving
through adversity.
You're absolutely
right, stink-pickle.
We need to move through.
Move through very, very fast.
Josh, get out of
the fucking way!
Oh no no no.
(tires squeal)
WAIT FOR ME!!!!
(♪
♪)
Hasn't changed one bit.
Same old shitty carpet.
Same lumpy bed.
You don't suppose?
No way.
It's been decades.
Still there.
You think this is
one of the ones we
laced with pcp?
Only one way to find out.
Oh God, no!
It's been years.
Like riding a bicycle.
Oh that's pretty good.
Typical.
Another broad that let me down.
(car starter turning over)
Fuck!
Everything this family
touches breaks.
What isn't broken is
that hearty
Fitzpatrick spirit.
What is broken is
your face if you
open your pie-hole
one more time.
What the fuck is wrong
with this car, Josh?
Well, we did just go through a
chain-linked
fence,
so it could be multiple things.
I got to get it to a garage.
Whoah! Hey! Whoah!
Jeez, at least you still have
the memories, man.
That's what's good
about time machines.
There's no such thing as
time machines, idiot!
Richard, it is a time machine.
Look, June 14th, 1989.
That's the day you
ran into that
fire hydrant.
The day Ken taught
me how to hot wire.
Yeah.
'89?
Holy shit.
Hey, come here, look.
Junior High.
Remember?
Our first joint.
We dropped the cherry.
We almost set the car on fire.
Your father was so mad.
He's not my father,
dick-limbs.
Or didn't you get that memo?
No, Richard.
You didn't.
You may not be bonded to your
family by the chains
of DNA but you are
bonded by happy
memories mister.
"AA"
That's Grandma Alice.
It doesn't stand for
Alcoholics Anonymous.
It stands for Asslove Alice.
Ohhh Alice.
I loved her work.
This is classic stuff, Larry.
Grandma Alice?
But her philanthropic pursuits!
She wasn't a
whatever-the-
fuck-ipist,
she fucked for money.
Don't you get it?
I used to wack
off to your nana.
There's nothing good about
the Fitzpatricks.
Ken, Alice,
even this car is a
piece of shit.
I risked my ass to
save you from Foxley.
And this is how it ends?
I thought we had
something special.
Fuck.
We'll give you some
time, Richard.
This is a lot to process.
Josh and I will try
to find us a way
to get home.
I'll leave you and
Betsy alone now.
(♪
♪)
(laughing)
They don't make dope
like they used to.
There's a lot of
things they don't
make like they use to.
I'd do a couple of things
differently though.
We can.
You and me.
Like we should've
done all those years
ago before that kid
fucked up my life.
You mean it?
Starting with this.
Oh, Kenny!
I mean who would have thunk it?
Every gas station on
the North Side closed
because of National
Mechanics Day?
I didn't get the memo...
What the...
(groans)
Ooooh Betsy.
Let's run away together Maggie.
Start over.
Fuck my family.
But first, you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Betsy! Yeah!
Oh yeah!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
OH YEAHHHH!
AAAAAHHHHH!
Richard --
Ahh...
I got nothing.
Ah, Richard...
You are filling an
emotional void with
with an erotic fixation on your
first love, the automobile.
Yeah I mean, I got busy with a
spatula once, you know,
but then again,
you know, who didn't?
Right?
Richard, you cannot solve
everything with intercourse.
(car roars to life)
You were saying?
Hahaha, shotgun!
(♪
♪)
(♪ Smooth jazzy Horn Music )
Why have I got lube in my eyes?
That's a tear.
Fitzpatricks don't
have tear ducts: fact.
What the fuck do I
have to cry about?
Your son.
I only have one son
and his name is
Meghan Fitzpatrick.
So that that's
what's eating you,
isn't it?
You didn't leave me for Elaine.
You left me for your family.
For your son.
That makes about as
much sense as a
Chinaman winning the Indy 500.
I know that look Ken.
That's denial.
Also, drugs.
But mainly denial.
Right, I went back for the
bullshit kid and
the bullshit wife.
And everything worked
out hunky-dory.
You're being sarcastic.
Am I?
Wait, am I?
You feel better now?
Must have been the grass.
It's called talking
about your feelings.
You always could read me.
You have a special gift.
And it's not just
that thing you do
with your tongue.
Well I better get going.
Prayer session in two hours.
Back to Guru
Fucknuts' Playhouse?
You don't need those
miserable pricks.
Well I may not need the church,
but the church needs me.
You're right, I do have a gift.
And it's time those
bastards could
see it too.
Give 'em hell, Mags.
That's Maggie Guruswami
to you, fucknuts.
Give em hell.
Oh, great.
Another booze-soaked
drunken-daddy call.
What is it this time?
A few shots of
whiskey with a side
order of regret?
My mom left.
Ken's not my real father.
Pat Childs is.
Ugh, unbelievable.
As always, it is all about you.
Did you even hear what I said?
I cannot even begin
to describe to you
the size of the fuck
I do not give.
Who cares if Ken is not
your biological father.
Case in point:
you are the
biological father of my child,
your only son,
and we both know
that means nothing.
(baby cries)
It's up to you, Fitz.
Get a life or take
some place else.
Hey! You lying
meatsack!
Who the fuck says the
secret is "heart?!"
The heart is nothing
but a fucked up,
miserable, abandoning whore!
What are you talking about?
It's 100% pure beef heart.
Organic, rich in iron,
silky texture.
Buy three, get one free!
(♪ Just a Closer
Walk with Thee ♪)
♪ Just a closer
walk with thee ♪
♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea ♪
Your chosen elixir?
Triple scotch, straight up.
And what of you, White Satan?
Three fingers of bourbon.
Neat.
♪ Let it be dear lord
let it be ♪
(♪
♪)
There will be no cancer causing
sticks in this establishment!
Get out.
We are neither in Cameroon,
nor the mid-to-late
nineties!
GOOD DAY,
SIR!
♪ When my feeble life is over ♪
♪ Time for me shall
be no more ♪
♪ Guide me gently,
safely over ♪
♪ To thy kingdom shores
♪ To thy shore.
Hey Childs, it's Fitz.
Listen, about
that job offer --
We should talk.
Just a closer walk...
♪ Grant it Jesus is my plea.
♪ Daily walking close to thee ♪
♪ Let it be dear lord,
let it be ♪
♪ Just a closer walk
with thee-eeeee ♪