Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 12 - And Baby Makes... FUCK!: Part 2 - full transcript
With Ali in labour, Fitz sets out to get the dealership back before his son is born. The last thing he wants is for the kid to think his old man's a loser.
Hey, pay attention, Fuckers...
You stole that Wurlitzer from my shop.
I want it back.
This isn't what it looks like.
The gay mafia are after me.
I need this cash!
I know where to find you jukebox,
and the ass-clown
who boosted it.
Someone wishes to buy
this cursed business
that haemorrhages money.
You're selling the dealership?
This place is Richard's dream,
and the it's the only thing
holding this family together.
Your dream lounge, the Summerwind?
You pinned all your hopes
on the only emotion connection
you ever had with Ken!
The song that he played
for you as a baby!
Help us get out of here!
Oh God!
Aliens?
Meghan? She is all yours now.
I am having this baby.
Baby! I'll drive!
Oh my gosh, do something!
Come back here!
Escape the country? What?
Good idea, Meghan.
Oh my God!
No thanks, everyone. I'm fine.
Hello? Hello?
A lot of stupid shit
goes through your mind
when you're breaking out of prison.
[screaming]
But when the spotlight is on you
and you've got your nuts in a vise,
the only thing that matters
is getting the fuck out.
Escape is a state of mind.
And there's no prison
that Fitzy can't break out of.
No way!
Meghan? Fitz?
Fuck.
Where the fuck's Houdini
when you need him?
[cell door slamming]
Oh, for the love of fuck, it's coming!
Don't worry, Miss Devon,
we will get you to the
hospital safe and sound
and in time to witness this beautiful,
miraculous...
I need motherfucking drugs.
I got some meth, but it's prison meth.
I got hash, and Oxy Contin.
Oxy? I could use a hit.
Get in line.
You're fucking kidding me.
Halfsies?
I'm the one in labour.
Try to hold off having the
kid in the car, will ya?
It'll stain the leather
and kill the re-sale value.
Whoa!
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck, you don't have to
have it in the ditch!
Oh, I'm not.
Get out!
What the hell did I do?
What haven't you done!
You're unemployed,
you've never made it to any
of the doctor's appointments,
you're never around!
I broke out of prison! For you!
When have you ever done
anything in your life
for anyone but yourself?
Okay, food for thought.
And since Richard is an escaped convict,
maybe we can ponder this on the road.
Let's -
Can we get a move on, please?
You shut the fuck up!
I will not let you smear your failure
all over this baby.
Get out of my life, you fucking...
loser!
[echoes]
Hey! Hey! Fuck! Richard!
Don't leave me here
with this crazy broad!
Oh God!
Richard!
Richard, I know this is
a trying time for us,
but it's also an excellent
opportunity to dig deep,
and find out what's
really going on here.
Huh?
Breathe! Breathe!
No, really, what's going on here?
She thinks I'm a loser!
No, I doubt that's true.
Did you hear me, Fitz?
You're a fuckin' loser!
I can't have my fucking kid
thinking his old man is a loser!
Let's work on this in the car!
I have to get the dealership back
from those two carbomb-istanis.
Let's figure out how to
pay for that in the car!
You get her to the hospital,
I'll take care of the dealership.
And evade the police?
I'll call you in an hour.
Two hours.
Oh!
That's right!
Drive!
Find the closest motel!
Oh, I can handle this.
I don't need him.
I've been through worse.
I told you the kid was a loser.
He's actually a winner now, sir.
Richard has decided to
make the baby proud,
and buy back the dealership.
The dealership? Yep.
Over my dead body!
You said you didn't want it.
First rule of business: Lie.
You should be proud too, Ali,
because you and the baby
are having a positive
effect on the Fitzpatricks.
Hey! Hey! It's true.
Oh...
What are you doing! Hey!
That's my truck, man!
You can't keep me here, you know.
This is a men's prison.
I'm a woman.
It is clearly a violation of the, uh...
Geneva Convention.
And if I actually get violated,
that's another violation.
So let me take a wild guess...
You just happened to
be in the neighbourhood
on the night that your
brother and father
broke out of jail?
No, stupid!
I was here because my stupid
brother's stupid girlfriend
was in stupid labour, so...
She is?
Where did they take her?
What can you do for me?
I'm up on tax evasion charges
because of my dad's church scam...
I want immunity.
By the power invested in
me by the town of Coverton,
I now declare you not guilty, okay?
They were headed back into town.
Daddy and Richard were
fighting about the dealership,
Ali was all like, "I'm havin' a baby",
I'm a fuckin' idiot!", so...
Thank you. Okay.
Arrest her. What?
Aiding and abetting escaped prisoners.
You can't do that! Put me down!
What the fuck!
Gentlemen...
It's been a pleasure.
We countersign when we get the money.
You get the $500,000
when you sign these documents.
Well, it would appear
we are in the midst
of a Mexican stand-off.
I blackmailed Elaine Fitzpatrick
for her shares in this dealership.
You think I'm scared of you?
Sign!
[clears throat]
Thank you.
[sighs]
If we did not need the money,
never would I sell to that harpy!
They need both our signatures
to sell, cousin...
And right now, she only has yours.
Swift thinking, cousin!
Once again, the Ruptals
have tactical advantage.
Excellent.
[phone rings]
Fitzpatrick Motors,
currently run by the far
superior cousins Ruptal.
Not for long, fucks.
I want to buy my dealership back.
I made a mint on that church scam.
It's the infirm Fitzpatrick!
He too wishes to
purchase the dealership!
Let's negotiate. Haggle!
You know, foreplay, for you ethnics.
The flashing lights of opportunity
dance around us, cousin!
We will sell the dealership twice!
Meet us at the DUI.
Bring cash.
[siren wailing]
Fuck.
License and registration.
Of course.
My name is Paco.
Paco Vasquez.
I'm on my way to a costume party.
That's funny, Mr Vasquez.
You look an awful lot like
an APB they just put out...
Ken Fitzpatrick.
Look, officer, I'm just trying
to do a little business here.
Yeah, me too.
I got a buddy looking for you.
A real...
good buddy, if
you know what I mean.
Fuck.
The gay mob.
Cocksucker!
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Out of the car.
Fuck!
Hey Fitzy!
I can see that orange
jumpsuit from 5000 feet!
What the fuck, Josh?
Just here to get my stash,
and I'm out of here, man.
No, no...
Fuck, Josh, I need your help!
Bad timing, Fitzy.
I gotta get out of the country
before I kill the Ruptals.
You leave now, your C.O.'s
just gonna send someone else.
Oh God, you're right, they're doomed.
You gotta help me save 'em!
No, fuck that, Josh!
I'm an escaped fucking felon!
I gotta figure out how to
get this shit palace back
before my kid is born!
You think you work for the government,
you'll figure something out!
Know what, I was a government agent!
And I'm not gonna kill the Ruptals!
I need you to help save those men!
Both of them!
Larry, I do not want to
have my baby in a garage!
What the fuck, Larry,
you're supposed to take
her to the hospital!
There's no time.
The head... The head!
Will someone call me
a fucking ambulance?
Look, as I have explained -
repeatedly -
we can't risk involving the authorities!
Richard is an escaped felon!
I'm not!
Try to hold on until
I get my place back.
Fuck you!
Would someone just call me a cab?
You're a cab.
I'll call my own cab.
No, no! My kid is
gonna have an old man
that he can be proud of.
How much time do I have?
The contractions are four minutes apart.
Godspeed, Richard. Godspeed!
I gotta lie down!
Listen, for the love
of kid, I'll help you.
But you've gotta promise me...
You promise me that when
you talk to the Ruptals,
you will not tell them
that I have to kill them.
Give me the dealership, pronto,
or Josh will have to kill you.
Dude! Really?
Josh, surely this is a joke.
Tell them.
Operation Blackout.
Terminate suspected terrorists.
Ruptal Jhalalawan and Ruptal Jhalalatu.
With extreme prejudice.
It was nose hair clippers, okay?
I... I could never
hijack a plane
with nose hair clippers!
It's not just that.
The feds have a file
on you a mile thick.
For what?
C-4 in your stationary closet?
No, that was me.
Or the jihad that you declared on Ken?
No, that was Fitz.
All this time, I was a mission?
I thought we were friends.
Hey, wait... wait!
You were a mission...
Became a friend.
Bottom line is you're
dead men if you stay here.
You sign over your shares
in the dealership to me,
I'll get you new identities, a ride.
We'll fake your deaths.
I have no doubt you're an
expert in faking things.
We'll give you until midnight.
Ring a ding ding. Listen, I -
Cousin, this is perfect!
By the time they uncover our treachery,
we'll be.. "dead".
We sell the dealership three times!
Wonderful! Wish I were dead.
All right, you take care
of the IDs, the car,
and faking their deaths.
I'll get a burger.
Ruptal loved burgers.
With pickles.
[phone rings] Fuck.
Too late, shit bubble.
I just signed a deal with the Ruptals.
By midnight,
the dealership will be mine.
I need to talk to you about something.
About what?
The father/son dance
I was gonna ask you to.
What the fuck do you think?
The gay mob nabbed me off Exit 9.
I need you to get my Wurlitzer
from the storage unit.
And why should I give a fuck?
Because you helped this
repressed cock-lover
get it out of Florida.
That puts both of you on my shit list!
[cocks gun]
That's not a list you want to be on, sugar.
Look, just get the thing, will ya!
All right, fine.
I'll get your fuckin' Wurlitzer.
On one condition...
You're in no position
to negotiate, slick.
I was talking to the half-sack.
I do this for you,
you drop your bid for the dealership.
Got it?
Fuck.
Deal.
You got one hour.
Larry, get me out of here...
Don't think of this as a garage,
think of it as an automotive
birthing station.
Huh?
My child will be born in a crack den.
You couldn't put down
some plastic first?
Where's Richard? I don't know.
Don't worry, Ali Devon, I will find him.
You stay with her.
Tell me you know something
about delivering a baby
because I have no fucking idea.
Let Uncle Joshy handle this.
For he has an earthquake kit.
Ali-bear! It's Chester!
Chester Vince!
Look, I don't care what some DNA test
or a restraining order says,
I am that child's father, okay?
I massaged that belly,
and I sang to that foetus,
and I was the one who
slept on the couch!
So give me a chance!
A chance to be the most attentive
father in the world!
Well, it's official.
Chester Vince has been appointed
vacated seat of disgraced councillor
and felon at large, Richard Fitzpatrick.
Don't forget your friends
on the air, Mr. Vi-
Sweet mother of Zeus!
[tires squeal]
Fuck me.
Didn't that twat farm
ever throw anything away?
Ah! Oh!
Richard?
Don't worry, I left Ali with Josh.
You fucking idiot!
I'm trying to show her I'm not a loser,
and now Josh is the first
face that kid is gonna see?
Right. Fuck.
Oh, what's the fucking point?
The kid deserves better -
not an old man who's a-
Don't you say it, Richard.
Because it is not true.
You are not the I word.
People do not depend on
people who are the I word.
And right now,
there are a lot of people
depending on you, mister.
So you find your self-esteem,
and we will find that jukebox.
You just have to dig a little deeper.
Is it a speech impediment
that makes you always sound
like a greeting card?
No, really, we just have
to dig a little deeper.
Huh?
Here we go...
Well, looky-looky.
Ta da! Huh?
Now what do you say
we get a dilapidated Wurlitzer
to a homicidal homosexual?
This thing is a piece of shit.
How come that fruit-cup
has such a hard-on for it?
It's not worth 40 K.
It's gotta be some kind of scam.
That shit I said? Yeah?
Fuck that.
Fitzy's no loser.
I'm a fuckin' genius.
[chuckles]
[loud scream]
Oh, let's see here.
Headlamp, hand-cranked
radio/flashlight,
cyanide pills, uh... Glowstick!
It's like a rave in a bucket!
[loud scream]
Ever since I was a little girl
with a doll and a toy stroller,
I didn't want kids!
I don't even like kids!
Me neither!
Let's see here, uh...
All right!
Congratulations!
You've just survived an earthquake...
Oh!
God, what was I thinking?
A single
thirty-something mother,
no husband, no prospects,
not a single shard
of self-respect!
Oh!
I think I can see the baby!
Ha!
He's got short, curly black hair
in the shape of a lightning bolt.
It kind of looks like Harry Potter!
Oh! Okay...
Oh God! Let's see!
[loud whistle]
[screaming]
Ah...
Good.
Very good.
That's it?
All you wanted was some fucking record?
Not just some record...
"The" record!
Bananarama's greatest hit?
Hey, watch your mouth, boy.
You're fucking with an antiques dealer.
A deal's a deal.
And you asked for the Wurlitzer, so...
It's all yours.
And it's a bitch to move.
Drive safe, Mr Vasquez.
If you're ever in Miami...
stay the fuck away from my shop.
See you later, old man.
I got a kid to make proud.
Not if I get there first.
Hey! We had a fucking deal!
Yeah, that's cheating!
No, it's Fitzpatrick!
$300,000, cash!
Josh has your new identities.
There's a van on the lot,
gassed and ready to go.
And by morning, the government
will think you're dead.
Hm...
I'm talking real money here.
Give it!
I've got something that'll
blow the geezer's offer
out of the water.
Yeah!
Huh?
Give it!
Did you ever hear of the legend
of the lost Sinatra single?
Uh-uh. Only an idiot has not.
Well here it is.
Frank's lone shot at a
rock 'n' roll career reboot.
He only had one single pressed.
Hated it, and had
the master tapes destroyed.
But a technician hid the 45
in the one place he knew
Frank would never look.
The Wurlitzer! From the Sands!
Motherfucker!
You switched it out!
Yeah.
[snickering]
[whispering] This is wrong.
If we continue this lie,
we are no better than they are.
Of course we are. Lie! Lie!
The only way you could
beat the highest bidder,
is by combining your offers.
In business with him?
No fucking way!
[gasp] Richard!
This is fate giving you a chance!
Look, for the sake of your child,
and your grandchild -
I implore you as father and son,
and mentor and servant,
to finally bury this hatchet!
To work together!
To carry on tradition!
To shut me up!
Deal.
I'll handle the paperwork!
You've got a baby on the way, buddy.
Nice.
Motherfucker!
Somebody buy me a drink!
[screaming]
There's a mirror!
Do you want to see?
Oh, for the love of God, no!
All right, I did it!
I own this place now!
Fitzy's no loser. I got this.
No, don't leave me alone with him!
Oh!
I don't care what you own!
You are the last person
I want down there!
This isn't my first pilgrimage
to your promise land, baby.
Now, you do what you gotta do.
[screaming]
Oh!
You did this to me, you son of a bitch!
I will kill you for this!
Yeah, anytime now.
Oh!
I will cut off a limb
for every stretchmark you gave me!
That's good! Good hustle!
Come on now! Come on, one more!
[scream]
I will shove a cinderblock
up your asshole
and make you shit it out!
Is it a boy or a girl?
Hey...
He's a Fitzpatrick.
Awesome.
Hey buddy. Oh fuck...
[baby fussing]
All this time I've been vilifying Fitz,
but at least he's been running around
trying to make you proud.
What have I done?
Besides the biological miracle
of growing you inside me...
As per your request, Miss Devon,
a taxi is en route to
take you to the hospital.
In the meantime,
Uncle Larry has just the thing
to help get the little guy to sleep.
[baby fussing]
[baby fussing]
Your daddy's not a loser.
I am.
♪ The summer wind came blowin' in ♪
♪ From across the sea ♪
Your passports, birth certificates,
driver's licenses, and library cards.
Oh, and uh...
I got you a little something as well.
Come on, come on! Shut up!
You shut up! Shut up!
Ruptal, listen... No, don't.
I don't think I could ever
forgive your lies, Josh.
I understand.
But, uh...
Craven Moorehead...
would like to thank
you for saving his life.
Your accent's gettin' pretty good.
You're a good teacher.
[honks horn]
Ah, just so I know...
How will we die?
I don't know yet.
But I do know one thing.
It'll be a death worthy of a friend.
Oh, and, uh...
I'm also gonna need some teeth.
Uh, hi, Ali, it's me.
Uh, listen,
I'm gonna be a little
bit late for our future.
Okay?
But everything's gonna be fine.
No matter what you heard.
It's all good.
They're gonna take me
to the home world now.
But I'll be back soon, okay?
I'm ready!
You need a drink?
Now you're speaking my language.
[baby crying]
[electrical buzzing]
Congratulations, Richard, Ken.
A new partnership,
and a new Fitzpatrick.
I know your relationship isn't
where you want it to be,
but we've got plenty
of time to work on that.
Especially if we don't
get thrown back into jail
the second we walk out this door.
[chuckles]
[sigh] Ah, cheers.
I get the big office.
Fuck that.
I built that place from the ground up.
The big office is mine.
Actually, it's mine.
A sales contract?
You bought the dealership?
Bullshit.
Where'd you get the
scratch to outbid us?
With the money I siphoned from
the Ruptals' bank accounts.
Those oblivious idiots.
An unfinished contract means nada, Dot.
Only one signature.
Well...
I still have Elaine's shares...
which makes us all partners.
Fuck.
[distant sirens]
Holy coincidence, or what!
Oh...
Rest in peace, my Ruptal brother.
[kisses]
Larry, tell me
you've been keeping up
our insurance premiums.
You know it, buddy.
With that money, we can build
a place twice this size.
Yeah...
Once again, everything works
out for good old Fitzy.
Ring a ding ding.
Rat bastard.
Motherfucker.
Burn, baby, burn.
Yeah.
[laughs]
[baby fussing]
Sync & corrections by Monkeymann
You stole that Wurlitzer from my shop.
I want it back.
This isn't what it looks like.
The gay mafia are after me.
I need this cash!
I know where to find you jukebox,
and the ass-clown
who boosted it.
Someone wishes to buy
this cursed business
that haemorrhages money.
You're selling the dealership?
This place is Richard's dream,
and the it's the only thing
holding this family together.
Your dream lounge, the Summerwind?
You pinned all your hopes
on the only emotion connection
you ever had with Ken!
The song that he played
for you as a baby!
Help us get out of here!
Oh God!
Aliens?
Meghan? She is all yours now.
I am having this baby.
Baby! I'll drive!
Oh my gosh, do something!
Come back here!
Escape the country? What?
Good idea, Meghan.
Oh my God!
No thanks, everyone. I'm fine.
Hello? Hello?
A lot of stupid shit
goes through your mind
when you're breaking out of prison.
[screaming]
But when the spotlight is on you
and you've got your nuts in a vise,
the only thing that matters
is getting the fuck out.
Escape is a state of mind.
And there's no prison
that Fitzy can't break out of.
No way!
Meghan? Fitz?
Fuck.
Where the fuck's Houdini
when you need him?
[cell door slamming]
Oh, for the love of fuck, it's coming!
Don't worry, Miss Devon,
we will get you to the
hospital safe and sound
and in time to witness this beautiful,
miraculous...
I need motherfucking drugs.
I got some meth, but it's prison meth.
I got hash, and Oxy Contin.
Oxy? I could use a hit.
Get in line.
You're fucking kidding me.
Halfsies?
I'm the one in labour.
Try to hold off having the
kid in the car, will ya?
It'll stain the leather
and kill the re-sale value.
Whoa!
What the fuck are you doing?
Fuck, you don't have to
have it in the ditch!
Oh, I'm not.
Get out!
What the hell did I do?
What haven't you done!
You're unemployed,
you've never made it to any
of the doctor's appointments,
you're never around!
I broke out of prison! For you!
When have you ever done
anything in your life
for anyone but yourself?
Okay, food for thought.
And since Richard is an escaped convict,
maybe we can ponder this on the road.
Let's -
Can we get a move on, please?
You shut the fuck up!
I will not let you smear your failure
all over this baby.
Get out of my life, you fucking...
loser!
[echoes]
Hey! Hey! Fuck! Richard!
Don't leave me here
with this crazy broad!
Oh God!
Richard!
Richard, I know this is
a trying time for us,
but it's also an excellent
opportunity to dig deep,
and find out what's
really going on here.
Huh?
Breathe! Breathe!
No, really, what's going on here?
She thinks I'm a loser!
No, I doubt that's true.
Did you hear me, Fitz?
You're a fuckin' loser!
I can't have my fucking kid
thinking his old man is a loser!
Let's work on this in the car!
I have to get the dealership back
from those two carbomb-istanis.
Let's figure out how to
pay for that in the car!
You get her to the hospital,
I'll take care of the dealership.
And evade the police?
I'll call you in an hour.
Two hours.
Oh!
That's right!
Drive!
Find the closest motel!
Oh, I can handle this.
I don't need him.
I've been through worse.
I told you the kid was a loser.
He's actually a winner now, sir.
Richard has decided to
make the baby proud,
and buy back the dealership.
The dealership? Yep.
Over my dead body!
You said you didn't want it.
First rule of business: Lie.
You should be proud too, Ali,
because you and the baby
are having a positive
effect on the Fitzpatricks.
Hey! Hey! It's true.
Oh...
What are you doing! Hey!
That's my truck, man!
You can't keep me here, you know.
This is a men's prison.
I'm a woman.
It is clearly a violation of the, uh...
Geneva Convention.
And if I actually get violated,
that's another violation.
So let me take a wild guess...
You just happened to
be in the neighbourhood
on the night that your
brother and father
broke out of jail?
No, stupid!
I was here because my stupid
brother's stupid girlfriend
was in stupid labour, so...
She is?
Where did they take her?
What can you do for me?
I'm up on tax evasion charges
because of my dad's church scam...
I want immunity.
By the power invested in
me by the town of Coverton,
I now declare you not guilty, okay?
They were headed back into town.
Daddy and Richard were
fighting about the dealership,
Ali was all like, "I'm havin' a baby",
I'm a fuckin' idiot!", so...
Thank you. Okay.
Arrest her. What?
Aiding and abetting escaped prisoners.
You can't do that! Put me down!
What the fuck!
Gentlemen...
It's been a pleasure.
We countersign when we get the money.
You get the $500,000
when you sign these documents.
Well, it would appear
we are in the midst
of a Mexican stand-off.
I blackmailed Elaine Fitzpatrick
for her shares in this dealership.
You think I'm scared of you?
Sign!
[clears throat]
Thank you.
[sighs]
If we did not need the money,
never would I sell to that harpy!
They need both our signatures
to sell, cousin...
And right now, she only has yours.
Swift thinking, cousin!
Once again, the Ruptals
have tactical advantage.
Excellent.
[phone rings]
Fitzpatrick Motors,
currently run by the far
superior cousins Ruptal.
Not for long, fucks.
I want to buy my dealership back.
I made a mint on that church scam.
It's the infirm Fitzpatrick!
He too wishes to
purchase the dealership!
Let's negotiate. Haggle!
You know, foreplay, for you ethnics.
The flashing lights of opportunity
dance around us, cousin!
We will sell the dealership twice!
Meet us at the DUI.
Bring cash.
[siren wailing]
Fuck.
License and registration.
Of course.
My name is Paco.
Paco Vasquez.
I'm on my way to a costume party.
That's funny, Mr Vasquez.
You look an awful lot like
an APB they just put out...
Ken Fitzpatrick.
Look, officer, I'm just trying
to do a little business here.
Yeah, me too.
I got a buddy looking for you.
A real...
good buddy, if
you know what I mean.
Fuck.
The gay mob.
Cocksucker!
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Out of the car.
Fuck!
Hey Fitzy!
I can see that orange
jumpsuit from 5000 feet!
What the fuck, Josh?
Just here to get my stash,
and I'm out of here, man.
No, no...
Fuck, Josh, I need your help!
Bad timing, Fitzy.
I gotta get out of the country
before I kill the Ruptals.
You leave now, your C.O.'s
just gonna send someone else.
Oh God, you're right, they're doomed.
You gotta help me save 'em!
No, fuck that, Josh!
I'm an escaped fucking felon!
I gotta figure out how to
get this shit palace back
before my kid is born!
You think you work for the government,
you'll figure something out!
Know what, I was a government agent!
And I'm not gonna kill the Ruptals!
I need you to help save those men!
Both of them!
Larry, I do not want to
have my baby in a garage!
What the fuck, Larry,
you're supposed to take
her to the hospital!
There's no time.
The head... The head!
Will someone call me
a fucking ambulance?
Look, as I have explained -
repeatedly -
we can't risk involving the authorities!
Richard is an escaped felon!
I'm not!
Try to hold on until
I get my place back.
Fuck you!
Would someone just call me a cab?
You're a cab.
I'll call my own cab.
No, no! My kid is
gonna have an old man
that he can be proud of.
How much time do I have?
The contractions are four minutes apart.
Godspeed, Richard. Godspeed!
I gotta lie down!
Listen, for the love
of kid, I'll help you.
But you've gotta promise me...
You promise me that when
you talk to the Ruptals,
you will not tell them
that I have to kill them.
Give me the dealership, pronto,
or Josh will have to kill you.
Dude! Really?
Josh, surely this is a joke.
Tell them.
Operation Blackout.
Terminate suspected terrorists.
Ruptal Jhalalawan and Ruptal Jhalalatu.
With extreme prejudice.
It was nose hair clippers, okay?
I... I could never
hijack a plane
with nose hair clippers!
It's not just that.
The feds have a file
on you a mile thick.
For what?
C-4 in your stationary closet?
No, that was me.
Or the jihad that you declared on Ken?
No, that was Fitz.
All this time, I was a mission?
I thought we were friends.
Hey, wait... wait!
You were a mission...
Became a friend.
Bottom line is you're
dead men if you stay here.
You sign over your shares
in the dealership to me,
I'll get you new identities, a ride.
We'll fake your deaths.
I have no doubt you're an
expert in faking things.
We'll give you until midnight.
Ring a ding ding. Listen, I -
Cousin, this is perfect!
By the time they uncover our treachery,
we'll be.. "dead".
We sell the dealership three times!
Wonderful! Wish I were dead.
All right, you take care
of the IDs, the car,
and faking their deaths.
I'll get a burger.
Ruptal loved burgers.
With pickles.
[phone rings] Fuck.
Too late, shit bubble.
I just signed a deal with the Ruptals.
By midnight,
the dealership will be mine.
I need to talk to you about something.
About what?
The father/son dance
I was gonna ask you to.
What the fuck do you think?
The gay mob nabbed me off Exit 9.
I need you to get my Wurlitzer
from the storage unit.
And why should I give a fuck?
Because you helped this
repressed cock-lover
get it out of Florida.
That puts both of you on my shit list!
[cocks gun]
That's not a list you want to be on, sugar.
Look, just get the thing, will ya!
All right, fine.
I'll get your fuckin' Wurlitzer.
On one condition...
You're in no position
to negotiate, slick.
I was talking to the half-sack.
I do this for you,
you drop your bid for the dealership.
Got it?
Fuck.
Deal.
You got one hour.
Larry, get me out of here...
Don't think of this as a garage,
think of it as an automotive
birthing station.
Huh?
My child will be born in a crack den.
You couldn't put down
some plastic first?
Where's Richard? I don't know.
Don't worry, Ali Devon, I will find him.
You stay with her.
Tell me you know something
about delivering a baby
because I have no fucking idea.
Let Uncle Joshy handle this.
For he has an earthquake kit.
Ali-bear! It's Chester!
Chester Vince!
Look, I don't care what some DNA test
or a restraining order says,
I am that child's father, okay?
I massaged that belly,
and I sang to that foetus,
and I was the one who
slept on the couch!
So give me a chance!
A chance to be the most attentive
father in the world!
Well, it's official.
Chester Vince has been appointed
vacated seat of disgraced councillor
and felon at large, Richard Fitzpatrick.
Don't forget your friends
on the air, Mr. Vi-
Sweet mother of Zeus!
[tires squeal]
Fuck me.
Didn't that twat farm
ever throw anything away?
Ah! Oh!
Richard?
Don't worry, I left Ali with Josh.
You fucking idiot!
I'm trying to show her I'm not a loser,
and now Josh is the first
face that kid is gonna see?
Right. Fuck.
Oh, what's the fucking point?
The kid deserves better -
not an old man who's a-
Don't you say it, Richard.
Because it is not true.
You are not the I word.
People do not depend on
people who are the I word.
And right now,
there are a lot of people
depending on you, mister.
So you find your self-esteem,
and we will find that jukebox.
You just have to dig a little deeper.
Is it a speech impediment
that makes you always sound
like a greeting card?
No, really, we just have
to dig a little deeper.
Huh?
Here we go...
Well, looky-looky.
Ta da! Huh?
Now what do you say
we get a dilapidated Wurlitzer
to a homicidal homosexual?
This thing is a piece of shit.
How come that fruit-cup
has such a hard-on for it?
It's not worth 40 K.
It's gotta be some kind of scam.
That shit I said? Yeah?
Fuck that.
Fitzy's no loser.
I'm a fuckin' genius.
[chuckles]
[loud scream]
Oh, let's see here.
Headlamp, hand-cranked
radio/flashlight,
cyanide pills, uh... Glowstick!
It's like a rave in a bucket!
[loud scream]
Ever since I was a little girl
with a doll and a toy stroller,
I didn't want kids!
I don't even like kids!
Me neither!
Let's see here, uh...
All right!
Congratulations!
You've just survived an earthquake...
Oh!
God, what was I thinking?
A single
thirty-something mother,
no husband, no prospects,
not a single shard
of self-respect!
Oh!
I think I can see the baby!
Ha!
He's got short, curly black hair
in the shape of a lightning bolt.
It kind of looks like Harry Potter!
Oh! Okay...
Oh God! Let's see!
[loud whistle]
[screaming]
Ah...
Good.
Very good.
That's it?
All you wanted was some fucking record?
Not just some record...
"The" record!
Bananarama's greatest hit?
Hey, watch your mouth, boy.
You're fucking with an antiques dealer.
A deal's a deal.
And you asked for the Wurlitzer, so...
It's all yours.
And it's a bitch to move.
Drive safe, Mr Vasquez.
If you're ever in Miami...
stay the fuck away from my shop.
See you later, old man.
I got a kid to make proud.
Not if I get there first.
Hey! We had a fucking deal!
Yeah, that's cheating!
No, it's Fitzpatrick!
$300,000, cash!
Josh has your new identities.
There's a van on the lot,
gassed and ready to go.
And by morning, the government
will think you're dead.
Hm...
I'm talking real money here.
Give it!
I've got something that'll
blow the geezer's offer
out of the water.
Yeah!
Huh?
Give it!
Did you ever hear of the legend
of the lost Sinatra single?
Uh-uh. Only an idiot has not.
Well here it is.
Frank's lone shot at a
rock 'n' roll career reboot.
He only had one single pressed.
Hated it, and had
the master tapes destroyed.
But a technician hid the 45
in the one place he knew
Frank would never look.
The Wurlitzer! From the Sands!
Motherfucker!
You switched it out!
Yeah.
[snickering]
[whispering] This is wrong.
If we continue this lie,
we are no better than they are.
Of course we are. Lie! Lie!
The only way you could
beat the highest bidder,
is by combining your offers.
In business with him?
No fucking way!
[gasp] Richard!
This is fate giving you a chance!
Look, for the sake of your child,
and your grandchild -
I implore you as father and son,
and mentor and servant,
to finally bury this hatchet!
To work together!
To carry on tradition!
To shut me up!
Deal.
I'll handle the paperwork!
You've got a baby on the way, buddy.
Nice.
Motherfucker!
Somebody buy me a drink!
[screaming]
There's a mirror!
Do you want to see?
Oh, for the love of God, no!
All right, I did it!
I own this place now!
Fitzy's no loser. I got this.
No, don't leave me alone with him!
Oh!
I don't care what you own!
You are the last person
I want down there!
This isn't my first pilgrimage
to your promise land, baby.
Now, you do what you gotta do.
[screaming]
Oh!
You did this to me, you son of a bitch!
I will kill you for this!
Yeah, anytime now.
Oh!
I will cut off a limb
for every stretchmark you gave me!
That's good! Good hustle!
Come on now! Come on, one more!
[scream]
I will shove a cinderblock
up your asshole
and make you shit it out!
Is it a boy or a girl?
Hey...
He's a Fitzpatrick.
Awesome.
Hey buddy. Oh fuck...
[baby fussing]
All this time I've been vilifying Fitz,
but at least he's been running around
trying to make you proud.
What have I done?
Besides the biological miracle
of growing you inside me...
As per your request, Miss Devon,
a taxi is en route to
take you to the hospital.
In the meantime,
Uncle Larry has just the thing
to help get the little guy to sleep.
[baby fussing]
[baby fussing]
Your daddy's not a loser.
I am.
♪ The summer wind came blowin' in ♪
♪ From across the sea ♪
Your passports, birth certificates,
driver's licenses, and library cards.
Oh, and uh...
I got you a little something as well.
Come on, come on! Shut up!
You shut up! Shut up!
Ruptal, listen... No, don't.
I don't think I could ever
forgive your lies, Josh.
I understand.
But, uh...
Craven Moorehead...
would like to thank
you for saving his life.
Your accent's gettin' pretty good.
You're a good teacher.
[honks horn]
Ah, just so I know...
How will we die?
I don't know yet.
But I do know one thing.
It'll be a death worthy of a friend.
Oh, and, uh...
I'm also gonna need some teeth.
Uh, hi, Ali, it's me.
Uh, listen,
I'm gonna be a little
bit late for our future.
Okay?
But everything's gonna be fine.
No matter what you heard.
It's all good.
They're gonna take me
to the home world now.
But I'll be back soon, okay?
I'm ready!
You need a drink?
Now you're speaking my language.
[baby crying]
[electrical buzzing]
Congratulations, Richard, Ken.
A new partnership,
and a new Fitzpatrick.
I know your relationship isn't
where you want it to be,
but we've got plenty
of time to work on that.
Especially if we don't
get thrown back into jail
the second we walk out this door.
[chuckles]
[sigh] Ah, cheers.
I get the big office.
Fuck that.
I built that place from the ground up.
The big office is mine.
Actually, it's mine.
A sales contract?
You bought the dealership?
Bullshit.
Where'd you get the
scratch to outbid us?
With the money I siphoned from
the Ruptals' bank accounts.
Those oblivious idiots.
An unfinished contract means nada, Dot.
Only one signature.
Well...
I still have Elaine's shares...
which makes us all partners.
Fuck.
[distant sirens]
Holy coincidence, or what!
Oh...
Rest in peace, my Ruptal brother.
[kisses]
Larry, tell me
you've been keeping up
our insurance premiums.
You know it, buddy.
With that money, we can build
a place twice this size.
Yeah...
Once again, everything works
out for good old Fitzy.
Ring a ding ding.
Rat bastard.
Motherfucker.
Burn, baby, burn.
Yeah.
[laughs]
[baby fussing]
Sync & corrections by Monkeymann