Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 11 - And Baby Makes... FUCK!: Part 1 - full transcript

Hey, pay attention, fuckers...

Ah, you're healed!

You didn't even touch me!

I said you're healed.

Now go get your car, pervert.

Agent McTaggart, the time is now.

Ruptal Jhalalawan and Ruptal Jhalalatu.

Terminate with extreme prejudice.

Oh, buddy.

Someone is siphoning
funds from your accounts.

You really should have
changed the bank accounts



when you bought the business.

Arrest my old man.

A little birdy told me

about your bootlegging operation.

The happiest you've ever been

is standing by your father's side

the day he opened the dealership.

You need to rebuild that bond

if you're going to be a loving
father to your own son!

This photo does mean shit.

Get your fucking hands off me!
I'm the mayor!

Not anymore.

I told the police about
your abuse of office.

And the bribes.



And the 23 years of
unpaid parking tickets.

Welcome to my world, fucker.

Fuck.

When a guy gets tossed in the can,

it messes with his head.

I've seen grown men fill their
shorts and beg for mommy

from one night in holding.

Pussies like that lack dedication.

Surviving in prison is easy.

Get locked up more often, like a man,

and you learn how this shit works.

Rule number one:
Show the yard dogs who's alpha.

Rule number two:

Take that swagger and build.

Pretty soon, you'll be
the one running the joint.

Suicide king. Go fish.

I own this joint.

Bow down, I might let you live.

Rule number three:
Never bow down.

Your prom date doesn't scare me.

Please don't stereotype.

It undermines all the advances

the gay and lesbian community has made.

And frankly, it makes you
seem intellectually immature.

I'm Dar, by the way.

Not that anyone bothered
to make formal introductions.

He likes the library.

And hurting people. For a price.

Prison is nothing, if not a
free-market economy, right?

You've been warned, you little shit.

Hello, blue eyes.

Guess who's taking over
your seat on council.

Thanks for pulling
your little boo-boo

and making the city come down
hard all over your ass.

I finally boned you, Fitzpatrick.

Wow, that is one big closet you live in.

Save it, nutcheese.

You didn't even get me
locked up, Larry did.

You're not wondering what
little clerical mistake

is delaying your trial?

I am that mistake!

This isn't over, Fitz!

I will make you fear me!

Hi!

You've got a lot of nerve coming here,

you backstabbing dick trench.

I'm good, Richard. How are you?

Great.

I really needed a little downtime.

You know...

Get some perspective.
Catch up on my reading.

Make new friends who want
to ass-fuck me to death.

Ew...
And, all things considered,

yes, I may have been
a little over zealous

with my plan to
reunite you with your father.

Ya think?

But I stand by the fact
that you two need

to do some healing.

I'm healing fuck-all!

I could care less about
that antique pecker-snot.

Oh really...

How do you explain this photo

of you smiling when you were a child?

I was drunk, asshole, and guess what...

guys who get guys locked up

don't get to fuck with
their heads anymore.

Hey, this finger banger
wants to sneak dope in for me.

Make sure he never gets in again.

I'm trying to go clean.

Check him for drugs.

You play nice with your daddy, mister!

And do not forget to floss!

Incarceration is no excuse
for gingivitis-Ow!

Hey, Josh?

Oh...

Joshua.
I have to ask you a question.

Josh!

Step into my office.

Okay.

Oh, it's a pillow fort. Fun.

A commander makes his field post

from whatever he can
beg, borrow or steal.

And they were on sale.

Except for the shams.

Ask your question, Soldier.

Right, well, the thing is

I tried to save Richard from himself,

but I'm worried that I hurt him instead,

and friends don't hurt friends!

Sacrifice yourself for the
safety of your brothers.

Good job, soldier!

At ease!

Wait, what about my question?

Josh?

Hello, 911. I'd like to report
a murderer on the loose.

Oh, it's me, Agent Josh McTaggart,

I've been killin' people,
and killin' people...

You'll be able to stop me
before I strike again, right?

Fantastic. Okay.
See you soon. Bye-bye.

My foot! My foot is... Josh!

Got your back, Rupee.

Ah! Josh!

Coming for you, Kid.

You send anybody in this cage,
they leave in a body bag.

Gotta sleep sometime.

Prison crank says no, Grandpa.

♪ The summer wind
came blowin' in... ♪

You have no right singing Sinatra!

Only song that got you to
sleep when you were a baby...

screaming yourself blue.

A lullaby - That's your plan
for taking me down?

♪ Lingered there to touch
your hair and walk with me. ♪

Shit! Gotta stay awake.

♪ All summer long we sang a song ♪

♪ and we strolled on golden sand ♪

Oh shit.

♪ Two sweethearts
and the summer wind. ♪

Stay... awake...

Hey, you guys holding?

Fuck off.

What the fuck?

You look like shit.

Yup.

But sweet repose can be
all yours, pretty boy...

if you simply supplicate
for your father's mercy

and reaffirm the hierarchy
of the prison yard.

Huh?

Supplicate, it means to
beg earnestly and humbly.

What's he offering you?

Free lease on a Mercedes?

Dinner and a movie?

You know he has to pay for
sex on the outside too.

You know what?

It's preconceptions like that
that give prison a bad name.

Our relationship is purely professional.

Cut him a new smile.

Pay first, then I cut him!

Whatever he's payin'
you, I'll double it.

Ah fuck! Can't get what I want!

Dar kill! Dar kill both of you!

Hey, Fitzy!

Dance!

Truly the universal language.

What's up, homes?

Yeah, bring it back to me!

Whoa!

This guy's great!

What the fuck?

I got myself locked up.
Cool, huh?

You ratted yourself out?

I had no choice!

Remember I told you I was Special Ops?

Turns out... I am!

I've been ordered to kill the Ruptals

so I got myself locked up in
here so I didn't have to.

Joshua!

What's up, Pablo?

Matty!

Heaton, you ladykiller...
literally!

You just got here yesterday!

I came here prepared.

I know a guy who knows a guy.

Had a shipment smuggled in.

Josh, my man.

My stash is about out.
Hit me up, will ya?

All right...

But it's much better with milk.

What the fuck?

It's cereal, dude.

Why do you think everyone in
here's so grumpy all the time?

The prison nutritionist had
all the sugar

taken out of the joint.

You're shittin' me.

Naw, man. Drugs are easy.

That stuff's harder to get

than a greased up Samoan
at a barn dance.

This must be what my old man

is promising that overgrown ass gorilla.

Hit me with some Apache love, brother.

Okay, Kimosabe.

That is pure, uncut Geronim-Ohs.

None of that no-name brand shit.

Killer cereal, dude.

If anyone knows it's a
serial killer, am I right?

Am I right?

I dunno. Guess I'm wrong.

Think of what we could do if we
cornered the market completely.

Yeah.

Show my old man who's boss.

Yeah. Provide a delicious
source of fibre

for the other prisoners...

How much more of this stuff can you get?

A lot.

Yeah.

Hey, did someone win something?

Yes.

Our sweet emancipation.

Someone wishes to buy
this cursed business

that hemorrhages money.

You're selling the dealership?

We are re-investing
all our capital

in something Josh and I invented.

I present the portable laugh track.

We will do no such thing!

Please stop pitching this repeatedly!

You have no right to sell.

This place is Richard's dream

and the only thing holding
this family together.

Silence! We may do as we please!

In twenty four hours,

our hands will be
cleansed of this place.

This is all my fault.

Quietly... insidiously...

I have undermined everything.

I'm telling you ma'am, a thousand.

Don't call me ma'am.

And no way a new tranny is a grand.

Thanks for your input on pricing.

A thousand.

Uh... look.

I'm a little tight on cash, hon.

Don't you want to help
a lady who's tight?

You know, hard up?

I'm sure we can work
something out, stud.

You know, in trade.

I'm talking about sex, retard.

I know.
And I'm hoping you'll stop.

All I can think about is my grandmother.

All right. Gimme the keys.

I'll bring you the bread.

Still not retarded, Lady.

Car stays here 'till I see green.

That's highway robbery.

Nope. Extortion.

Give me a ride at least?

Fuck.

How am I going to get in there
and warn Richard?

Oh...

I know I haven't been
the best Larry lately...

but I need some help!

Richard can't lose the dealership!

I need a sign.

Something to help me make this right.

Oh, a bunny...

Bunny!

I'm comin' for ya, Richard.

Let's do this!

Mother's Snuffbox
Antiques, Sean speaking.

Heard someone's looking for
Ken Fitzpatrick, Creampuff.

Who is this?

Just call me Mrs. Wurlitzer.

My lucky day.

I know where you can find your jukebox

and the ass clown who boosted it.

I'm listening.

Yeah, so am I.

Five.

Cute. Mama's got some
bills to pay. Fifteen.

Ten. Delivered.

All right, ten, but you pick
up your own fucking trash.

Shoulda killed that geriatric gay basher

when I had the chance.

Yeah. Me too.

Where?

Coverton County.

Diner called Shauna's.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

There's a 4:15
out of Lauderdale.

You'd better be on it.

Hey, Mauro!

Pack my rubber gloves.

I got a mess to make.

Power is currency, Josh.

Once Dar sees how much
of this stuff we got,

he'll be eating out of our hands.

Yeah, literally.

Set up the meeting.

But whatever you do, do not
let Ken see this note.

Relax, dude. I got this.

Hey, Geronimo.

Nice.

Give it to Dar.

Message from Fitz...

Pass it on, all right?
Be careful.

Shit's goin' down.

Don't let Ken see this. Never.

Fuck.

That fucker's goin' down.

Open up!

I can hear the floor creak
when you walk, rhino.

And I can smell you.

Hello, Meghan.
So nice to see you.

I need a lawyer,

and you're the only one I know
who'll work for free.

No, no, no, Fitz is cleaning up
his own mess this time.

Dick? I so don't give a fuck
about my stupid brother.

I'm here about this bullshit.

I got subpoenaed about my stupid
parents' fake religion.

Meghan, defrauding the
public is not bullshit.

It's a felony.

Wow, it is like a don't give
a fuck-a-thon in here.

I don't care! Fix it!

I'm kind of not taking
clients right now.

On account of the baby.

Whoa, don't get all
pregzilla on me, okay?

You know, you're not some angel

who can create life
with your magical hoo-hah.

I shat out a kid too, you know.

I am so not ready for this right now.

I am so not ready for this ever!

Oh, boo-hooo.

I'm the one with the problem here!

Shh... 'Kay, maybe it's nothing.

Maybe just a minor contraction.

The baby's not even due
for another week.

Can you focus, like, for one second,

listen to what I'm-

Focus...

What did I say!

Focus...

Motherfucker!

Oh...

Hello.

Look at you guys.

So big!

Tattooey.

Oh, dear God!

Listen, Fitzy,

we're not supposed to
be in here after hours.

If we get caught,
I might get kicked out.

You don't get kicked
out of prison, nut sore,

what's wrong with you?

Funny story, actually.

Look, Dar...

we all know the name of the game,

so let's make a deal.

I've got the one thing
my old man can't give you.

And lots of it.

That's your plan?

You're gonna buy off
my muscle with cereal?

Nice work on the message, Josh.

Get rid of him.

Sorry, Mr. F...

Let's dance, fucker!

I've been working out.

What kind of cologne are you wearing?

What is that, pine and...
eau de linseed?

I don't wear gay spray,
you beatnik freak!

Let me go!

Now it's your turn to
beg for mercy, old man.

Fuck...

Oooh...

Finally come down from your
ivory tower to join us?

I really don't have time
to be stalked right now.

I need to get to the hospital.

Relax. I'll take you.

You're in no condition to drive.

Pretty nice of me to help
you out like this, right?

Yeah, sure.

I guess you could say

you owe me one.

Fine.

Yes, Meghan,

I will not represent you,

but I will give you some legal advice.

Score!

Maybe we can talk about this later.

When I can concentrate.

Fuck that shit!

You'll be all moon-pie over
that little gut slug for months.

Babies are like that, you know.

Make your brain release this chemical,

so they're all you can think about.

Fucking psychic vampires.

Shut up and drive me to the hospital,

you fucking headcase.

I try to help you out

and deal with my brother's problems,

and this is the thanks I get!

Oh, just shut up and drive!

You shut up, Hindenburg!

Would ya, for one fucking second?

'Ooh, I'm having contractions!

Ooh, I'm creating life!'

I'm sick of your shit!

My asshole brother can deal with you.

It's coming now!

Both of you!

Let go of me!

Bastards!

So, look at you guys, all...

Geronim-Ohs...

My favourites.

The cereal that tamed the wild frontier!

With cavalry-killing
goodness in every box.

And they can be all yours, Dar,

if you drop this half-sack
and join my crew!

The cereal's a decoy!

He just wants you so
he can fuck with me.

As a child of divorce,

I find this emotional
tug-of-war very upsetting.

Yeah, they are kind of agro.

Call it, Dar.

Are you with me, or are you with him?

I am with... him.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Working through emotional
issues is no joke,

Richard Fitzpatrick.

Yeah, the mental health
help in here is atrocious.

What's sperm burp doing here?

Don't call him names!
That's psychological abuse.

Yeah, and I broke in here to save you.

You broke in?

That's retarded.

And to save the dealership

before the Ruptals sell
it to some stranger.

That dealership is your legacy,

and we belong there, working
side by side by side!

Forget that money pit!

You know a way out of this joint?

I am not here to rescue
you from anything

except the circle of familial anger!

No one leaves until you two make up.

Cut it with your
pre-pubescent angst bullshit.

I already told you,

you're not allowed to fuck
with my head anymore.

Squabble.

Just puts me back in that horrible...

white hot rage that I can't control!

Use your words, Dar! Your words!

Okay. Let go of me, you fat ass!

I killed my father because
he wouldn't listen to me!

All I wanted to do was be a dancer!

And when I told him, he just laughed

and laughed and laughed.

Keep digging! Keep digging!

So I made him stop laughing!

It took me a whole month to eat him.

I'm sorry, Daddy!

Yes!

Now, you apologize.

I never should have
tried to take your muscle

and fuck you.

Good, now you.

Singing a lullaby to
get you shanked was low.

You waste of skin.

Ahhh...

Okay.

That wasn't so hard, was it?

Lullaby? What lullaby?

The Summer Wind. Sinatra.

The whole jail's talking about it.

Of course. Richard...

Your dream lounge.
The Summerwind?

You pinned all your hopes

on the only emotional connection
you ever had with Ken!

The song that he played
for you as a baby.

Go fuck yourself, Larry.
Help us get out of here.

Wait!

You can come too, Dar.

I want to. I really do.

But...

I can't.

There's no such thing as can't, mister.

You hear me?

It's just that everyone
I've ever gotten close to...

I've eaten.

Eaten.

But there is such thing as shouldn't.

Bye Dar! Let's go!

Josh!
Come on, it's shift change!

We got two minutes!

Good luck, bud.

I love your moves. You too.

I miss you, Daddy.

Wait the fuck up!

Fuck you!
My legs are killing me!

Shut up and run, you old gimp!

Hey, I got it, Mr. F...

Bourbon-soaked marshmallows
and cough syrup,

and just a hint of regret.

Fuck you! I'm so proud of us.

Working through our issues together

like a real family.

Bullshit, you nut sack.

If the old man was on fire,

I wouldn't stop to piss on him.

I should have pushed your
mother down the stairs

when I had the chance.

Fuck you.

Hope really is a
four-letter word.

So is free.
You hear that, fuckers?

I'm free!

Oh God!

Aliens?

Fuck.

Where the hell are we?

Meghan?

What's the douchebag doing here?

She is all yours now, motherfucker.

A getaway car! Fuckin' A.

What the fuck, Ali.

Your sister is a psychotic lunatic.

Cut the small talk!

Let's get the fuck out of here.

I don't know what the fuck's going on,

but I am having this baby!

Baby! I'll drive!

Really? Now?

Fuck.

Hey, we came out of there.

Hi Ali!

Okay, just take me to the hospital.

I thought you were an alien earlier.

Seriously?

First I'm a zombie, now I'm an alien?

What is wrong with you?

Josh! Do something!

Come back here!

Do something, you degenerate!

Escape the country? What?

Good idea, Meghan.

Oh my God!

Okay, everyone, I'm fine.

Hello? Hello?

Motherfucker!

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann