Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 10 - Apoca' Smokes Now - full transcript

Hey! Pay attention, fuckers...

I'm a councilman now!

Retract that titmouse law;
I've got a bar to open.

All new legislation is to be tabled

on a first-come,
first-served basis.

Well, how long's that gonna take?

Three years, give or take.

You're the one who wanted the job,

I merely got it for you.

And that's why you're fired.

To Larry, Re: Your ass. Ass...



It's fired too.

Iris, you're a stripper?

I will never forgive you for this.

The League of Sober Entrepreneurs

lobbies government to destroy
that degenerate dickhead,

Richard Fitzpatrick.

What the fuck?

The fuck, Mr. Fitzpatrick,

is prohibition.

Coverton is a dry town, Richard.

The Summerwind will never open.

You happy now, Larry?

You've destroyed my dream and my life.

I don't need a fucking conscience,



and I never will!

With the mayor's life
hanging by a thread,

governance in Coverton falls
to his deputy-mayor...

Richard Fitzpatrick.

God help us all.

Ring a ding ding.

I, Richard Fitzpatrick...

I, Richard Fitzpatrick...

do solemnly swear...

do solemnly swear...

Once upon a time,

a handsome prince was
enslaved by three trolls.

The first troll was an angry troll.

He did whatever he could

to make the handsome prince miserable.

The second troll was a pushy troll.

She tried to make the handsome prince

do whatever she wanted.

The third troll was a crazy troll.

Trying to drag the handsome
prince down with him.

The trolls worked
the prince day and night.

But they never broke his spirit,

because he was so...

Fuckin' awesome.

Don't change the words.

So help me, God.

What she said.

You are now Acting Mayor of Coverton.

And we are screwed.

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

What are you going to do now?

Whatever the fuck I want.

Finally, the handsome prince
escaped to his kingdom

and took his rightful place as king.

And they lived happily ever after.

Ring a ding ding, baby.

Nice work, kid.

We play this right,

we can milk this cash
cow for a long time.

Prohibition could be the best thing

that ever happened to us.

What's all this "us" bullshit?

What's all this "bullshit" bullshit?

You did exactly two things
to help me get here:

Jack and shit.

You ungrateful little prick.

You wouldn't be in the
fucking mayor's office

if it wasn't for me.

You wouldn't be on
this fucking planet!

New by-law.

Ken Fitzpatrick can never get
another car dealer's license...

No...

Ken Fitzpatrick can never
have another business license.

Ever.

You can't do that!

Just watch me.

Emergency powers, old man.

The people of Coverton have
entrusted me to do a job;

I intend to see it through.

Josh! This meeting's over.

What the fuck?

Let's go, old man.

Get your fucking hands off me.

You think some by-law
is going to stop me?

I'm Ken fucking Fitzpatrick.

Nobody tells me what to do!

Watch the carpet.

Mother fucker!

Let's go.

The mayor's exiting the building.

The mayor's walking down the stairs.

Richard!

I've been trying to get in
to speak to you all day.

Stand down, citizen.

You stand down!

Richard, you'll never be
a wholly realized person

unless your Summerwind dream
becomes a reality.

You have the power now...

We're still going to
make it happen, right?

Look around, dipshit.

I've moved on to bigger
and better things.

What could be bigger and better

than the lounge you've
been dreaming of opening

your whole life?

How about world domination-
Ever heard of it?

You should see his evil
headquarters, it's amazing.

Last week, I was a guy

who'd never paid a parking
ticket in his life.

This week, I'm running a police state.

I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Not if I can help it.

Josh. New by-law.

No Larrys on city property.

Copy that, sir.

Richard, please wait...

You're asking for it, buddy.
Asking for what -

Really, Josh? Yep!

Really!

A vodka soda just isn't
the same without the vodka.

What are you doing?

You fought for prohibition.

To get Fitz off council,
cum-crust.

It wasn't a lifestyle choice.

I don't understand.

Why won't Richard just end prohibition

and reopen his bar now
that he has the power?

The real question is:

"Why do you still give a shit?"

Because Richard and I are a team.

No, we're more than a team,
we're connected.

I'm the yin to his yang.

The chocolate to his peanut butter...

The ass to his hole.

I'm going to give Richard
a dose of vitamin D.

That's right.
The "D" stands for dream.

Just as soon as I get back
in his good books

and convince him he needs me.

You'd have a better
chance convincing him

that he loves man meat.

Yeah, but what if...

What if we work together...

Forget it.

I have a new plan.

And in this one,
there's no Larry's allowed.

Same as my vagina.

Tidy up for me, would ya?

Vagina? Look it up, Larry.

What do you mean the Fire
Department's out of money?

Then make people pay to put out fires.

Christ, do I have to think
of everything around here?

Fuck.

Busy night?

Nothing I can't handle.

Good. Then handle it from home.

I need you to paint the nursery.

We have a nursery?

Yes.

And apparently paint fumes
are bad for the baby.

Along with sushi.

And wine. And soft cheese.

I'll get Josh right on it.

I'm happy your dream's come true,

but this baby's going to come out

and when it comes out and
I need you to be there.

To catch it.

When I became a lawyer

I thought I'd be taking long lunches

with Nigerian warlords,

parasailing off the Alps,

and taking my bonuses
in blood diamonds...

Fitz, we can't solve
all our problems with sex.

Maybe just one more time.

Yeah...

Don't answer...

No, don't... answer it...

Who is this?

What do you want?

This better not be bullshit.

Fuck.

You're leaving?

Not right now.

I made a promise to keep
my constituents happy.

Yeah!

Mr. Mayor...

Allah does not welcome cowards.

We are desperate men.
And you go first.

Come on.

Greetings white she-devil.

And how are you today?

What are you two inbreds doing here?

You seem to be somewhat
intelligent for a woman.

As such, we require your
immediate cooperation.

What we are trying to ask is,

would you mind taking
a look at our books?

We are spending more
than we are making.

But we are not spending.

It does not make sense.

Someone is siphoning
funds from your accounts.

Aladdin's carpet!

Who would do such a thing?

Even money their last
name is Fitzpatrick.

You really should have
changed the bank accounts

when you bought the business.

Amateurs.

Of all their treacheries, this
is their most treacherous.

What's the password?

"Cauterized hemorrhoid?"

Hi. What the fuck do you want?

Does this come in scotch?

Never took you for a drunk.
Two hundred a bottle.

It's not for me.
It's a gift for Richard.

Aww... Trouble in paradise?

We've drifted apart recently.

But knowing Richard's love
of all things distilled,

I thought this might get me
a sit-down with him.

Trust me, it's going to take a
lot more than a bottle of hooch

to impress that fetus
fajita I call a son.

Police!

This better not be a bullshit call.

What the fuck?
It's not my birthday.

Your jerk-off son's
new uniform policy.

Hands up.

Perimeter is secure.

Why don't I get a gun?

Because you're not a cop.

A little birdy told me about
your bootlegging operation.

You stooley snitch.

Why don't I get shorts?

Hey, Josh. Focus!

Looking good, bud.

You touchy feely man bitch.

I know this seems
like a betrayal, sir.

But, it's for the greater good.

Richard needs me,

but he needs to know that he needs me.

Hey, do me a favor, toots.
Arrest my old man.

Let's see your hands, please.

I will get you for that.

I never thought I'd say this,
but nice job, Larry.

Maybe you aren't totally
fucking useless after all.

Richard that is the nicest
thing you've ever said to me.

And since you're in a charitable mood,

I would like to request
a sit-down with you.

Whatever, just get the booze.

Wow. This is amazing.

Scotch, and a Shirley Temple
for the lady.

The Summerwind dream
is alive and well.

You should be proud, buddy.

No thanks to you.

You want to help out around here?

There are going to be rules.
One: Keep your mouth shut.

Two: Do what I say.

Three: Keep your mouth shut.

Got it, boss.

And no lectures, capiche?

I worked my ass off to get here.

Well, actually it was a group-

You sure did.

Which is why I deserve
to have a little fun.

So buckle up.

Yeah, buckle up, Larry.

By order of the Acting Mayor,

the carpet must match the drapes.

The penalty is a two
hundred dollar fine,

30 days in jail and a burrito.

'Cause I'm wicked hungry.

I know what you're doing.

Using trumped-up laws
as an excuse

to round up your enemies.

Hitler did it. Stalin did it.

I'd do it if I had the chance.

Well, that... was most amusing.

Living the dream, Larry.

Copy that, Fitz is livin' the dream.

Congrats General,
you're now the proud owner

of Coverton's first
nuclear waste facility.

Good times.

Nuclear waste?

Richard, how is nuclear waste fun?

'Cause it glows in the dark, dude.

I'll make sure Richard
gets this right away.

Hey Richard, here's the
business license money

for those hair salon slash brothels.

Put it with the others.

What's wrong, buddy?

Talk to the Lar-bear.

For starters, you're breaking
rules one and three.

Rules be darned, Richard.
I'm your conscience.

We share everything.
Memories. Emotions.

French fries...

All this should be making you happy,

but you seem miserable.

Fuck you.

I'm happy.
I'm fucking delirious.

You're good at many things
Richard Fitzpatrick.

Clearly.

But pretending to be
something you're not?

That's not one of them.

Maybe all of this isn't your dream.

This isn't my dream?

Then what the fuck is?

Well...

I don't quite know that yet,

but I do know that the
anxiety you're experiencing

is coming from a very deep place.

Josh, remember that by-law

about no Larrys on city property?

Yeah, get out here.

You can't lock away
the truth, Richard.

Wanna bet?

Bye, Larry!

Bye, Larry! Bye, Larry!

I will hunt you down
wherever you hide, asshole.

Don't worry, boss, we'll get him.

Nice to see you too, darling.

No, I don't have anything
better to do than to get up,

cram my swollen feet into some shoes

and come and get you.

Fucking Larry...

I'll show him who's fucking happy.

It's not like I've slept
in the last three months.

I'm the king of fucking fun.

Or gone thirty minutes without peeing.

This is the dream, man.

Then you had to call me twelve times.

Everybody wants this.

I've got nothing to be anxious about.

Where's the support for Fitzy?

Wah, wah, wah.

All units, we've got an APB,

straight from the mayor's office.

Suspect is tall, annoying,

answers to the name of fuckwad.

Fitzpatrick Motors.

I'm still only in Fitzpatrick Motors.

I'm on the run,

but every time I wake up...

I wake up here...

Rations are scarce.

I'm on the verge of capture...

My bond with Richard... broken.

Putrefied.

But I couldn't give up on him.

I knew I had to help him find
what was at the heart...

Of his darkness.

That's it!

Interloper!

I can explain...

Thieves overrun our dealership
like locusts, cousin.

First the she-devil, now him?

Explain why you are
stealing our lunches.

I think that was Josh.

Then you must be the one

pilfering our toilet supplies.

I think that was Josh too.

Then maybe it is Josh's fault also

that we have not turned
one cent of profit

in over six months?

Cousin, you heard
the red-haired witch.

Only a Fitzpatrick

could have taken that
money from our accounts.

That's right.
It could never be Josh.

Why would it be Josh?
Let's start praying to Josh!

You must learn to overlook
small imperfections

for the sake of friendship.

Because of Josh,

I know Fitzpatrick will
pay ten thousand dollars

to whoever delivers
him the gangly one.

That would help pay
many of our overdue bills.

And he is ours for the taking.

I suppose this is Josh's fault, too.

You said it, not I.

Larry's vanished.

Did you check the dealership?

Yeah... the dealership.

You fucking idiot.
Find him and shut him up.

All I can hear is him
rambling all the time.

I can't hear anything.

It's like he's in my head.

And I'm seeing babies. Babies!

Whoa, hey! Stay with me, Fitzy.

Take this, it'll fix you right up.

You feeling okay, buddy?

Yeah, everything's Fitzy.

Just find him. Find him!

All right! On it.

Jeez!

Y'ello. Agent McTaggart?

Sir, yes sir.

Lethal use of force
has been authorized.

Terminate your target and
return to base for debriefing.

Okay... okay, great...

Who exactly is my target again?

You've forgotten your target?

No, no!

I just want to be sure

that you're who you say you are.

Agent McTaggart, the time is now.

Ruptal Jhalalawan
and Ruptal Jhalalatu.

Terminate with extreme prejudice.

Buddy...

Yaa!

Hey, does this look normal to you?

Come on. Come on, come on.

Pick up. Pick up.

I know what you want!

Fucking Josh.

How long have you been hiding there?

Long enough to know
that this bar, this job,

this life you've finally
built for yourself -

It's not your dream,
it's your nightmare.

You don't know anything.

Have you been having
hallucinations too?

How the fuck did you know about that?

Because of our connection, Richard.

And a very, very lucky guess.

Bullshit. What else do you got?

Is it a coincidence that
this newspaper clipping

was hanging on the garage
wall for 32 years?

I think not, Richard.

I think not.

The happiest you've ever been

is standing by your father's side

the day he opened the dealership.

You need to rebuild
that bond, Richard...

if you're ever going
to find true happiness,

if you're be a loving
father to your own son.

That photo doesn't mean shit.

Yes, it does - yes it does!

And deep down I know you want me

to help you figure
out what kind of shit.

Yeah, because there's
nothing I love more

than spending time with you.

Please, Richard...

The Shirley Temple on your menu.

Hiring Iris to...
pleasure my plumbing.

You know you care about me.
Shut your yap!

I will not!

And now you're getting
a time-out, mister.

I present you with a
summons for your arrest.

For what? I own the cops.

Well, a little birdie told the police

about your abuse of office.

And the bribes.

And the 23 years of
unpaid parking tickets.

My old man was right
about one thing -

You are a fucking turncoat!

A turncoat who is saving
you from your nightmare

and finally giving
you what you've wanted.

A way to be happy, Richard!

Get your fucking hands of me!
I'm the mayor!

Not anymore.

I'll get you.

If you think prison is going
to break Richard Fitzpatrick,

you're dead wrong.

This won't break me!
Nothing can break me!

Is that a fact?

Welcome to my world, fucker.

Fuck.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann