Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 9 - Teetotal Recall - full transcript

Hey, pay attention, fuckers...

The devil-father Fitzpatrick
has found a most ingenious way

out of our sales contract.

Starting his own religion.

Tax-free profits.

Halle-fucking-lujah.

We were always good
business partners, Lainey.

I would like to go for
ice cream with you, Larry.

More than you could possibly imagine.

We need to shore up votes, and fast.

Look who's decided to
wake up and give a shit!



Fine, but I'm doing
this for me, not you. Me.

You know Ken's just
gonna fuck you over

like he always does.

This isn't what it looks like.

That little shit was right about you!

Hey, God, it's me, Fitz.

I need to speak to Frank.

I'm havin' a kid.

And I don't want the little fucker

to think I'm a loser, like my old man.

I gotta win this fuckin' election.

So throw me a bone, will ya, Frank?

Richard Fitzpatrick won?

Ha!



That's right, fuckers!

Fitz won, and I won it for him!

Woo hoo!

There are two kinds
of people in this world.

Those who float above all the shit,

and those who run right through it.

Genghis Khan, he was a floater.

He lead strong, crushed his enemies

and the weaklings followed.

People need a leader

who tells them what to want,
how to get it,

and who doesn't have
shit on his heels.

First order of business -
get my office up to code.

I don't think you get your own office.

The city can't afford it.

Then get me one.

With a turntable and my Sinatra 45's.

Some nudes for the wall.

And a shark tank.

No stripper pole?

Already ordered.

Richard, we're moments away

from tasting our sweet dream together.

It's a bar, cockswab,
not a bath house.

Time to get shit done.

Lead with your balls.

And never apologize

when your pubes get in someone's face.

It's Fitz o'clock, fuckers.

I'm a councilman now.

Retract that titmouse law;
I got a bar to open.

I'm sorry, but we're
locked in a stalemate

over Cat Leash Ordinance C-39.

All new legislation is to be tabled

on a first come first serve basis.

How long's it gonna take?

Let's see...

Three years. Give or take.

Fuck.

Okay, look.

I'm sorry city council was
too busy with kitty cats

to allow you to open
your bar right away.

But what a great lesson
in patience, am I right?

Poor baby hit a roadblock

on his first hour at his new job.

You're the one who wanted the job.

I merely got it for you.

And that's why you're fired.

I'm not the enemy here.

And, trust me,

you do not want to make me one.

We've been enemies, Foxley,

and we've been friends.

Neither one's done me much good.

[loud crash]

Remember this moment, Fitz.

Because this moment, right here,

is exactly when you fucked yourself.

For what it's worth,

I never thought Dot

was a worthy member of Team Fitz.

Now that the dead weight is gone

we can focus on your
Summerwind dream-

Could you take a memo for me, Larry?

I would be oh so very honored

to take your first memo, Councilman.

To, Larry. Larry.

Re: Your ass. Ass.

It's fired too.

Fired too.

No, no, no...

I feel so betrayed.

After all I've done for him,

he just throws me
away like a pair of...

dirty underpants.

You know, Larry,

you're kinda sounding like
panties right now.

You want to be panties

or you want to be boxer shorts?

Huh... Boxer shorts?

Fuck yeah.

Boxer shorts with big balls in them.

Balls that are out to get even.

I always say 'revenge is a
dish best served with...

[gasp] yeah...
Dioxin poisoned sushi.'

Nom nom nom...

Or, oh yeah, the old water gun

full of sulfuric acid.

[mouth noises]

Oh, yeah.

The Atomic wedgie.

Classic...

Those all sound
a little extreme, Josh.

Then what's your
idea of revenge, Larry?

Stink bomb in a locker?

Don't be such a fucking nerd.

I don't want to take
revenge on Richard.

Revenge on Fitz -
How can you even think that?

Josh, you're the one who-

After everything you did to him?

Filled his head with false hope.

Made him take on a SECOND job.

And now you plot deadly revenge?

Oh my God, you're right...
Maybe.

You better apologize to Fitz

or I will punch you in the feelings.

You get me?

If I say anything other than yes

you'll hurt me, right?

[sigh]

I'm a wolf.

Up on that hill, they're
all spineless douchebags.

Sheep.

I'll be fucked if I'm gonna

listen to them jaw
about cat laws all day.

Then stick to what you're good at.

Right.

What am I good at?

Fitz, you're a born salesman.

You knocked me up in the
back of a station wagon

on my wedding day,

got me to leave
the only semi-stable,

employed man I've met in my life

and convinced me that
we might work together.

Yeah, I showed that weasely fuck.

Exactly.

Don't worry about the puppets.

You want the guy who
pulls the strings.

Go after the mayor.

Yeah, how hard can it be
to get one guy on my side?

Especially when he has no backbone

and a drinking problem.

We swim in the same circles.

At least we will until I have
to go on maternity leave.

Well now he's swimming
with a shark, baby.

I thought you were a wolf.

You're hot when you're
being all smart and shit.

Yeah? Mmmm.

[heavy breathing]

Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Call me Fitz, Mayor Andrews.

So... why are we at
a naked lady bar?

The buffet is excellent.

Lunch?

No, no. No thanks.

Suit yourself.

Well... Maybe just one.

Atta boy.

But, I'm a servant
to the public-

They voted you in.

Gave you the keys to the joint.

Take it for a spin.

Do whatever you want.
Whenever you want.

You earned that shit.

Yeah, I did.

Stop asking what people need.

They don't fucking know.

Grow a pair.

Oooh...

I love you.

I love you!

Don't mind, Niko.
She's a little shy.

Niko! That's Niko.

Niko has special skills.

Wow, that's quite a talent!

Looks like you two could use
a little alone time.

Hey...

How 'bout some lap dances, hon?

Oh, and... bring a friend.

That chick who can
go down on herself, yeah?

Giddyup.

[laughs]

Giddyup!

Ahh!

Good news!

I have a plan.

I'm going to apologize!
To Richard!

That's right!

I'm going to teach Richard
the power of forgiveness.

I'll be back at City Hall
before you can spell

"filibuster."

Suck it up, kitten.

Your boyfriend is gone.

Time to give it up.

I'll never give up on Richard!

You want to teach him forgiveness?

Crush him, Larry.

Crush him until he crawls back to you,

his knees like bloody linguini.

And when the salt from his
own tears burns his wounds

and he whimpers for
someone to end his pain,

you can show him forgiveness
by caving his skull in

with the sledge hammer

of a wasted life and
an eternity of regret.

We have to drive outside city
limits to enjoy ourselves.

It's a God damn crime.

This, right here, is
what Coverton needs.

A little spice. Am I right?

Yeah. Oh my God, yeah.

So let's go downtown and get it done.

Like men.

We gotta repeal the titmouse ordinance

and get the Summerwind
back on track, ok?

That sounds good.
So fucking good.

Richard, I'm sorry for interrupting.

But I'm here to apologize.

And not for interrupting just now,

though I am very sorry
for that as well.

Spit it out, fucknut.

We're paying by the song here.

Richard...

I'm sorry I let you down
and you had to fire me.

It is my hope that this apology

shows you the value of forgiveness.

Larry? Yes?

Iris...

You're a stripper?

And you.

You make her take her clothes off?

No, Larry.

I pay her to take her clothes off.

And that's not all.

Niko, get up there and
show 'em the main attraction.

You're gonna love this, Larry.

I don't understand.
How could you just-

It's just my job, Larry.

I didn't know how to tell you.

Showing men my dirty pillows
makes them happy.

And that makes me happy.

Am I right, or am I right?

Your bunny...

Your bunny that got
killed by the GT...

That was a lie?

Of course it was, fucknugget.

I had to feed her some bullshit story.

Only way I could make sure

you'd open up to
someone with a vagina.

It's very pretty, by the way.

Thank you.

You could have any girl you want.

And you go after Iris?

My Iris?

I will never forgive you for this.

Eff you both!

Eff you all to H!

Larry, wait!

Whoa! Where'd that
second one come from?

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

Our debate is at a critical juncture,

cats are urinating willy-nilly,

and you have the nerve to sleep in?

Someone needs to get laid.

Or likes to get peed on.

Point is, sit down
and shut the fuck up.

This cat law bullshit is finito.

That's right.

We're having a motherfucking vote

all up in this bitch.

I'll second the shit out of that.

Okay. Who wants cat leashes?

And those who are all like, 'no way'?

Okay. No leashes!

Free pussy! [Laughs]

And the other thing.
Don't forget the other thing.

Oh yeah.

And Fitz -
who is wicked by the way -

you guys should
all hang with him -

is now deputy mayor.

But you said I was gonna be deputy.

How would you like
your face punched in, eh?

All right. Motion carried.

Richard Fitzpatrick is the man.

Now...

I move we all go
over to the Danger Zone

and have lunch.

The buffet is the bomb.

[laughs] That buffet...

Come on! Come on, kids...

You guys...

Fitz'll introduce you to
all sorts of delicacies...

Ah, that buffet.

Mr. Mayor!

How did your little apology go?

I'm done with apologies.

You're in good company, friend.

I know we've had our
share of differences

over the years, Larry.

But, as you can see,

the League of Sober
Entrepreneurs prides itself

on being an inclusive lobby group.

Please, have a seat.

If we are 'sober entrepreneurs'

why are we meeting in a bar?

Because fuck off, that's why.

The League of Sober Entrepreneurs?

'L.O.S.E.R.S.' for short.
Shut up.

I said no acronyms and it's my group.

Now, as per our
mission statement -

'The League of Sober Entrepreneurs

lobbies government to destroy
that degenerate dickhead,

Richard Fitzpatrick.'

'Dickhead' was my contribution.

We have the resources.
We have the manpower.

Now we just need a plan.

I have a plan.

We'll hit Fitz where it hurts...

Looks like someone's
grown a set of lady balls.

Stand back, Miss Foxley.

With a one two combo of caring
and compelling arguments,

I, Larry, will make our plan heard...

And hopefully implemented...

If... if people like it.

You're planning. I'm execution.

I'll deal with Mayor Bitchass.

It's Andrews.

Mayor Andrews.

Let's skip the names and
focus on the fucking.

Focus on the what now?

Beg your pardon, ma'am?

Don't beg. Not yet.

That comes after I rip, tear,
slap, lick, scream, claw,

spank, bite, suck,
whip, slurp and swallow.

Ah!

That's when you can beg.

Does that sound ok to you?

If I yell yes and this is a dream,

will I wake myself up?

First things first.

We have a by-law to pass.

[laughter]

[mimicks laughter]

God damn mayor,
what the fuck's he doing?

Fitz, I want you to know up front,

this wasn't my idea!

So nice of you to join us, Richard.

What the fuck?

The fuck, Mr. Fitzpatrick,
is prohibition.

What are you losers talking about?

So you've heard of our organization?

Good.

You see, Maverick,

while you were at the Danger Zone,

we had a little chat with city council

about Coverton's declining morality.

She's very... persuasive.

And they were only too happy to put

the last nail in the coffin
of your pathetic dream.

A near-unanimous vote.

If it makes you feel
any better, buddy,

I abstained.

I told you not to fuck with me.

You backstabbing semen chugger.

This was your idea, wasn't it.

Sticks and stones may break my bones

but council passed the vote.

Coverton is a dry town, Richard.

The Summerwind will never open.

Well, we'll always have
the Danger Zone, huh, buddy?

Council's controversial
move to pass prohibition

has indignant citizens...

swarming the streets.

An emergency council
session has been called

for this afternoon to
deal with the chaos...

This is Melody Gray,

reporting live from the mean
streets of Coverton.

Prohibition -
what are they, nuts?

Fitzy!

Where the fuck have you been?

Here's the thing.

Your friends helped me realize

it was high time I
straighten up and fly right.

So I quit drinking and joined AA.

And you should join too.

How do you live with yourself?

Cheap suits. Piece of shit car.

Now you want to deprive yourself

of the one thing that makes you happy?

You're pathetic.

You're right.

I shouldn't have quit drinking.

What the hell was I thinking of?

AA?

All right, look.
We can fix this, buddy.

We can really make it work...

Um... maybe. Right?

Sit your flip-flopping
ass down, and listen up.

Great idea.

Genius, actually.

Where do you come up with this stuff?

You need to act fast
and repeal prohibition.

Swift action. That's the move.

Right on, brother.

Well, wait, can I do that?

I'll have to ask someone.

Don't ask. Tell.

At today's council meeting.

Here's the thing.

I have a tummy ache
so I'm gonna skip that.

A couple nights ago

I saw you strip down
to a lime green thong

and throat-punch a
biker in pervert's row.

I did? Oh yeah, you did.

And it was awesome.

You were unstoppable.
And what now?

Flop sweats and shakes?

They tell me alcoholism
is a disease...

Only symptom I've seen
is the vagina you've grown.

What? No, I -

Oh, you're speaking metaphorically.

You hear all those people out there?

Rioting in the streets?

[birds chirping]

You know why?

Because they're in pain.
Pain that you caused.

Oh my God. What have I done?

You want to make
it up to them? To me?

Axe prohibition.

Everyone will forgive and forget.

Don't listen to him.

He doesn't know anything
about forgiveness.

He's right.

You can't trust anything Fitz
has to say on this issue.

You're right. I can't.

Why not?

He isn't here for the
good of the people.

Richard only wants
to repeal prohibition

so he can open his lounge.

It's a clear conflict of interest,

and it's selfish and
manipulative and mean.

Don't listen to these schmucks.

You make up your own mind...

and do what I say.

Totally.

Well... I can see
that both of you

present really, really,
compelling arguments...

Take both of those
arguments to council...

You!

Get your ass to council chambers.

We gotta get this town drinking again!

[exhales] God, do I miss that smell.

Me too.

Ah!

What the hell are you doing?

Well, don't make your
hair smell like daisies

if you don't want people to smell it.

I mean in my apartment, Chester.

You left your bedroom window unlocked.

I wanted to make sure you knew
before someone broke in.

Chester, you have got
to leave me alone.

And that includes singing
Coldplay on my voice mail.

But I brought the renovation plans.

This doesn't mean we can't
still start a home practice.

Can't you just see it?

You and me working side by side?

Baby Chester frolicking at our feet?

Chester, our relationship is over.

I will not renege

on the promise my spermatozoa
made to your ovum.

My pregnant wife will not leave me

for some booze swiller.

People change.

Fitz cares about me.

He cares about us.

Fitz cares about one thing.

I see the way he looks at you.

All he wants is for that
baby to be out of your belly.

So you and he can...

You had a threesome with my baby?

Chester...

About the baby...

Ahh! Die! Die!

Why won't you die?

How dare you impregnate my wife!

Hey! Hey!
I just had sex with her.

She did the rest.

Don't listen to him.

He will twist your mind,
steal your family

and rub your tender heart
against a cheese grater.

Get him out of here!
This is a closed session!

You see? You see?

This isn't about prohibition.
Or what's good for this town.

These I.O.S.E.R. assholes
are out to get me.

They're here because they hate me.

I don't hate you.

Of course you do.

No Richard.

Hate didn't bring me here today.

Hope did.

Oh cool.

Like the black guy named
after that terrorist.

All his ideas seemed to work out.

Go ahead.

I'm here because I believe,

deep down, people are good.

But it can be difficult to
bring that goodness out of them.

Sometimes you have to
force them to see it.

Am I the only guy who thinks
that sounds kinda rapey?

Mr. Mayor, I applaud you.

I think you are a man
of action, integrity and...

intestinal fortitude.

I think I am, too.

He's bullshitting you, Andrews.

Don't fall for his touchy feely crap.

Mayor, you have the
power to convince people

to do what's right, no
matter how hard that may be.

It's time to give the people
of Coverton what they need.

Some tough love.

Yeah...

Yeah!

I'm gonna love the
shit out of this town

whether they like it or not.

I motion to declare
a state of emergency.

Expand police powers.

Redouble our efforts to make
sure prohibition sticks.

Second! What the fuck?

All those for?

So carried.

See Fitz? I've got balls.

You happy now, Larry?

Destroyed my dream and my life.

No Richard, you did.

With your selfishness.

That's a shit apology.

By the way, I don't accept,
cock pocket.

All these years,

I've fought everything you are

in a vain attempt to make you change.

Doing the same thing and
expecting different results -

That's insanity.

No, insanity is some prostate
milking assbandit

showing up in a bunny suit

claiming to be my conscience.

You're the one who betrayed me.

And aided in the debauchery
of an innocent girl.

Innocent?

You only met Iris

because I hired her
to keep you company.

You did?

Thanks for not closing the deal.

Saved me a bundle.

Richard...
Do you know what this means?

You care about me.

Really and truly.

I only did it to
distract your dumb ass

from fucking up my campaign.

No, Richard, hiring Iris.

That was... nice.

Consider it a parting gift.

You can't leave now.
We're finally making progress.

I never wanted you in my
fucking life in the first place!

I don't need a fucking conscience!

And I never will!

[tires squeal]

Your sobriety isn't just
a commitment to yourself,

it's a commitment to others.

In step 9, we'll learn
the value of making ammends

to those we've harmed
with our disease.

Oh, you are right.
You are so right.

Aw, Fitzy, I have to apologize!

I have to make amends!

I never meant to hurt you, buddy.

You did so much for me!

[cars honking]

[sobbing]

Fitzy! [Sobbing]

I'll miss you, buddy.

Hey, remember that time
we got drunk together?

Sure you do.

Fitz, I've made up my mind.

I'm going back to work

and it does not make me a bad mother

no matter what anyone says -
including my mother.

Your mother is dead.

Exactly.♪♪♪ Just hours after
declaring a state of emergency,

And being unhappy would make me dead too - inside.♪♪♪♪
Mayor Andrews suffered what police have described as

a 'sober Driving accident.'

Hell yeah.

With the mayor's life
hanging by a thread,

governance of Coverton falls
to his Deputy Mayor...

Richard Fitzpatrick.

God help us all.
Ring a ding ding.

This is Melody Gray reporting live

from the scene of the accident.

Pray for Mayor Andrews.

Ring a ding ding.

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann