Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 8 - Are You There God? I Need to Speak to Frank - full transcript

Hey, pay attention, fuckers...

I need you to cancel that
thing today, the debate.

Why?

Because my sister's dead.

Hey, why aren't you drinking?

Son of a bitch, what's in this?

Fuckers...

No angle; A proposal.

What's the one thing you and
I were always good at together?

Ha! A new dealership?

You're going to win it for me.



It's my new long-term plan.

Relax Foxley, I got this!

A campaign that has
zero focus, no platform,

and not a single female supporter?

This is serious, Fitz!

Chester, I'm leaving you!

Motherfucker!

You faked your sister's
death to get votes?

What do you have to say for
yourself, Mr. Fitzpatrick?

My sister's alive!

It's a miracle!

[organ music throughout]

Oh, God... Oh God...

You wanna know what I believe?



Chumps wait for miracles.

Fitzpatricks get what they want

by following the ten commandments...

There will be no other gods before me.

Obviously.

Never take the Lord's name in vain.

Unless it's justified.

Jesus Christ, sweet mother of fuck.

Where's my lighter, Larry!

Don't worship false idols.

Unless you're out of single malt.

God, I hate blended.

[moaning]

Observe the Lord's Day.

Fuck me, Fitz.

Oh, I observed it alright.

Honor thy father.

Don't kill... intentionally.

Then there's the one thing
that no one gives a shit about

so, who cares.

Then there's the adultery thing-

Get him! The stealing thing...

And, finally, my favorite
commandment of all...

Covet thy neighbour.

She's actually the
neighbour's daughter.

But who's counting?

Because when you live life right,

good things just happen...

[grunting]

[splash]

Amen.

[flushing]

[lively gospel music]

'Ooo, we are Fitzpatricks
and we rise from the dead.'

There has not been
one customer all day

because of their blasphemy, Cousin.

Yes, the devil Father Fitzpatrick

has found a most ingenious way

out of our sales contract -

starting his own religion.

And giving away free cars
with every $5000 "donation".

I say bah!

We shall overcome,

for we are Ruptal.

When has religion ever
stopped us before?

When the authorities put
you on their no-fly list.

It is preposterous of them

to think I could hijack a plane

with a pair of nose hair clippers...

Nose hair clippers!

Go find out what's going on.

No.

I'll be at the DUI-
Did you just say no?

I did. Why the fuck not?

Because the election is imminent

and we need to focus
on shoring up votes.

That means hand shaking.
Baby kissing.

Last minute campaigning.

Who gives a shit what you think?

I have faith in me and
that's all that matters.

Well, it's a good
thing you have faith,

because it's going to take a miracle

for you to win this election.

I refer to my first response:

Who gives a shit what you think.

The election is in the bag.

Iris?

[heavenly music]

NEXT!

C'mon, get out of here.

All right, c'mon, c'mon...

What's up? It's my hip.

[gibberish sounds]

You are healed.

You didn't even touch me.

I said you're healed.

Now go get your car. Pervert.

Out!

She's the mother fucking messiah!

Do what she says!

Yeah. I'm the Messiah.

Right, Mommy?

And we're on a tight fucking schedule!

Let's go! NEXT!

All right, sweet cheeks, what's up?

Iris?

Hi...

How did you find me?

Actually...

I'm here for the miracle.

It seemed too good to be true

but I had to see for myself.

It is a miracle, Iris...

Us running into each other like this.

I could escort you
to the tent, if you want.

And then...

maybe we can go for ice cream.

You and me? Like, a date?

Oh, you don't need to call it that.

Unless you want to.

Which is fine. Or not.

Is it fine?

Iris, I don't think it's an accident

you wandered onto this lot.

All these weeks, you
and me and the specter

of the deceased creatures
who we both once loved.

It's fate, Iris.

Our very own miracle!

No, Larry. It isn't.

It isn't that at all.

♪ Money, money, money ♪

Tax free profit.

Hallefuckinglujah.

We always were great
business partners, Lainey.

Shitty parents.

Nightmare marriage.

But goddamn geniuses when
it came to pushing tin.

I am the messiah!

Is it too much to ask for a soda

and a clean goddamn dressing room?!

We have to get the little
douchebag under control.

Jesus freaks like their shit clean.

A church?

You fucking kidding me?

What's he doing here?

A freak show I could understand.

"Come see the bearded lady."

I told you I had electrolysis!
Now fuck off!

This is my miracle!

Daddy!
I want him out of here now!

These suckers wouldn't be
here if it wasn't for me.

[laughing]

It was my idea to kill
her in the first place!

You'll all be fucking sorry

when I win the election and
shut this shit show down!

Better start praying
for a miracle, Fucker.

Because I'm telling everyone
to vote for Chester Vince!

Before or after you shave?

Hey, watch the suit!

You need a time out, Mister.

Me? She started it!

She's always ruining my shit!

Breaking my toys!

Now my campaign!

Hit the bricks!

And you can tell those curry
packers across the road

Ken Fitzpatrick is back.

And Elaine Fitzpatrick.

Yeah, her too.

Fuck you... all of you!

Bye-bye, Richard!

Divide and conquer.

I deal with Joan of Bark here.

You make sure numb-nuts
doesn't fuck up my scam.

Our scam.

That's what I said.

Eat my scraps, asshole!

I need more fucking ketchup!

Squirt bottle!

Out of the trough, Legs.

We need to shore up votes.
And fast.

Oh, look who's decided
to wake up and give a shit.

After last week's little debacle,

you still think we have a shot?

I don't need a shot.
I'm the fucking pistol.

Now move!

Don't talk to me like
I'm one of your minions.

I busted my ass for this campaign

and look what it got me.

Fine. Put the wings on my tab.

Fuck you.

I am responsible for
my own failed career,

my bad choice of business
partner, my stress eating.

Wow.

Melody Gray was right about you.

What did she say?

You tell me, Cankles.

I was big boned

and I had a note to get
out of that fitness test.

I am not a quitter.

Fine.

But I'm doing this for me.

Not you.

Me.

Any day now.

Scotch.

Vodka.

Better make it a triple, Old Lady,

because after I get through
with you and Molly Mormon,

you're gonna need it.

You always were a poor loser.

Says the woman who rigged
'pin the tail on the donkey'

at my birthday party

so she could fuck
the winner's old man.

I should be thanking you, actually.

You and your sister are
finally paying off.

The only reason we had
you shit dispensers

was so we could make money.

You mean that bullshit angle
Ken's playing?

That's short term.

I get into office,
you can make some real coin.

You really think you're going to win.

Better fucking believe it.

Know what I believe?

You don't have a shot in hell.

Ken's going to fuck you over
just like he always does.

You can't con a conner, Kid.

Just stay out of our way.

You're gonna vote
for me, right, Charlie?

You gonna find another place to drink?

[knocking] Vote for Fitz!

[grunting]

Stop it. He's not even worth it.

She loves me not.

She loves me not.

She still loves me not.

Oh, fuck.

Don't you have somewhere else to be?

I am upset.

And you should eat something first.

You'll need your strength
for what lies ahead.

Women looking for miracles,

and men unable to give them.

When will you learn, Larry.

Pussies don't get pussy.

Love is a battlefield, Richard.

And this soldier has lost the war.

Nu uh.

The battle is over
when I say it's over.

You really think I have
a chance with Iris?

Fuck Iris.

I prefer the term "go for ice cream".

That's it...

Steal support...

Win votes...

Blow shit up...

I never said any of that.

Then I'll say it for you, Rumpcrunch.

Two words... mother
fucking holy war.

That's four words.

Yeah. It worked in Iraq.

It worked in Afghanistan.

And tomorrow, it's gonna work for me.

Get your jihadist asses out here!

Who is dead now?

Or perhaps you wish to subject us

to more racial stereotypes.

What the fuck, Josh? No.

I just need you to help me
blow up a church.

Wicked. On it, Buddy.

What about our holy oath

to not help him with
his plans anymore?

Oh right.

Solidarity, Cousin.

You are no cousin of mine.

Look, you don't like me,

and I sure as hell don't like you.

But there's a bigger threat out there.

Godzilla.

No, my family is carpet bombing
your customers and my voters.

We've got to take them down.

Two birds. One bomb.

Sales have declined.

Joining forces with our mortal enemy

may be the solution we need.

This is the Soviets all over again...

I am not going on that stage

until I get a new pillow, lip
balm, and my theater tickets.

And by the way, why are there
no towels in my change room?

I can't work under
these conditions...

What a fucking prima donna.

She gets that from you!

Divide and conquer, dipshit.

What the fuck have you
been doing all day?

Do you know how long it
takes to adjust the lighting

so people don't think she's
the fucking antichrist?

You take care of
the little slut bucket.

Hello?

I'm trying to keep cock snot's

sticky little fingers out of our pot.

Complaining about our demon spawn.

This is so "us". [Laughs]

Don't worry about this shit, Lainey.

This shit will work itself out.

We're winners, you and me.

And we're back in the green.

And by the way...

Don't get me started
about the audience.

Who vets these people?

Burn, infidel!
How did all the fatties end up down front?

What kind of retard forgets
to light a Molotov cocktail?

You idiot!

Where did you go to terrorist school?

Hey! He didn't.

I do have a Bachelor in Fine Arts.

Cut him some slack.
It's his first holy war.

As usual, I've got to
do everything myself.

Come one, come all!

To see the real miracle!

Why worship the resurrected,

when you can worship, and vote for,

the RESURRECTOR!

And get free cars.

For a reasonable monetary donation.

That snakey fuck.

See the man responsible

for raising the bearded
lady from the dead!

Fuck you!

I do not have a beard!

Yes you do!

Come back and worship my daughter!

You want to believe in something?

I'll tell you what
to believe in...

Richard Fitzpatrick for City Council!

No!

There shall be no
other gods except me!

Especially not my stupid brother!

Come on, you guys!

This is dealing with him?

You always were too
soft on these kids.

Don't worry, hot stuff -
I got this.

You!

No, dear god. No.

Please just make it quick.

Relax.

My shithead kid is messing up my scam

with my other shithead kid.

You're the only one
that can talk sense

into that ass baby.

I want you to go over there
and do it now.

I can't help you.

I can't help anyone.

I can't even help myself.

What's with the pity party, fuck face?

It's no one.

Just a sweet angel who took my
heart in her delicate fingers,

and then ravaged it like
a Polynesian cannibal.

And I don't even know why.

I'll tell you why.

You're a spineless
yes man to a dirtbag.

What woman wants that?

You're right.

And you know what else?

[whispers] I killed a bird.

No wonder Iris finds me repulsive.

Oh. A dead bird.

That's the reason.

I know.

Look, Nancy... It's Larry.

Look, Nancy, grow a set.

It's time you took a stand.

Call bullshit when it stinks.

Yeah, it's my responsibility
to show the public

that Richard isn't
what he says he is...

that there are no such
things as miracles...

Make it quick, Slim Jim.

I've got a fake church to salvage.

Good talk.

Vodka. Make it snappy.

My sister was dead.

And at her grave,

I asked the Lord to return her.

For she was innocent.

Unstable, yes, unattractive, yes,

but she was innocent.

And I felt something surge through me

as I touched my dead sister.

[audience groaning]

No! It was the Lord's power.

Blessed be Jesus, zombie maker.

We talked about this.

She's not a zombie.

It was the cannabis.

Praised be to the
blue eyed devil, Fitz!

Anyway, vote Fitz,
and when I'm in office,

I'll resurrect anyone
and anything you desire.

Are you sure about that?

Yes, that's why all these
good people are here today.

Am I right?

Then resurrect this...

Titmouse.

That's right!

A dead bird.

Surely no match for the resurrector.

I'm calling bull...

poop that smells, Mister.

What the fuck are you doing?

Taking a stand and
telling everyone here

that he faked his own sister's death.

[gasps]

Hey, where you going? Come back!

What happened, Richard?

What happened to the Last Honest Man?

[gasp] Ice cream!

[♪]

Ice cream!

Problem solved, Baby...

It's not what it looks like.

Fuck, Lainey.

The gay mafia's after me.

I need this cash.

I can't go find some
rich fuck like you.

All I got is my sparkling
personality and this scam.

And me.

I wasn't going to take you.

But I rose from the dead!

You said this was our thing.

You said if I helped
hide this from Mom...

The little shit was right about you!

Fuck.

Lainey!

Go get me a scotch.

Fuck you.

All of you.

From this moment forward,
I am emancipating myself

from this family!

Now that's a fucking miracle.

[humming happily]

♪ [music playing] ♪

♪ [music playing] ♪

You think I'm going to roll
over for you, Chester?

You think I don't know that
leadership requires sacrifice?

You think I wouldn't be
able to bury people alive

to ensure the survival of my country?

I know that sometimes you have
to chop someone's head off!

I'm just as tough as Idi Amin.

I'm just as tough as any
of those motherfuckers!

[crying]

[crying]

Ow... ow...

[sigh]

It's over for good this time, Roger.

May I call you Roger?

Iris...

Don't speak.

I'm sorry I ran away before.

Things are complicated.

But so what, right?

Tell that to the titmouse.

I would like to go
for ice cream with you.

So much ice cream.

I would like to go
for ice cream with you

more than you could ever imagine.

I told Richard miracles don't happen

but this is a miracle.

Oh, Iris...

There is just one thing I need to do.

I know, Larry.

Would you just... Thanks.

This is Melody Gray reporting
live outside City Hall.

Exit polls show Chester Vince
with a commanding lead.

No doubt this is in
response to this reporter's

shocking exposé of local lothario

and rumored polygamist cult leader,

Richard Fitzpatrick.

The dream is dead, Fitz.

Josh, how many times
do I have to tell you,

a bookstore is not a strip club.

Larry paid me to bring you here.

In coffee.

I got nothing to say
to that backstabber.

There are miracles, Richard.

There are.

Iris came back to me.

Good.

That makes up for the shit
storm you turned my life into.

I know you're upset.

And, as your conscience,

I feel you deserve one last shot.

And I deserve a coffee.

We may be down in the polls.
Broke.

And have lost the holy war.

But there is one thing
you have not tried.

The pumpkin scones.

They're amazing.

Prayer.

Fuck off, Larry.

All that faith crap was just bullshit.

Since you're banned from...

every church in town,

I thought we could try
the theology section.

Still holy and thirty percent off.

Please Richard, one little prayer.

How can it hurt?

I'll buy you a coffee.

Fine. Tall half skinny one
percent extra hot split

quad shot half sweet
caramel macchiato.

No whip. Okay, whip.

Chocolate sprinkles?
I'm not gay.

After all, how can
this city be expected

to trust a councillor who
can't even make good

on a promise to resurrect a dead bird?

And with the polls about to close,

this reporter is confident

in declaring Chester Vince the winner.

We'll see about that.

Hey, God.

It's me, Fitz.

I need to speak to Frank.

Uh... hey, Frank.

I don't know if you're
listening, but how you doin'?

Hope that bus crash with
the cheerleaders last week

spiced the party up a bit,
know what I mean?

Fuck, I don't know what I mean.

Fuck, Frank.

A guy needs a break
once in a while, you know?

Cold streak's gotta end.

I'm a good guy...

Look, here's the thing.

I'm having a kid.

And I don't want
the little fucker

to think I'm a loser like my old man.

I got to win this fucking election.

Throw me a bone, will ya, Frank?

Fitz?

Oh, and...

If you could you make sure
he's got a decent head of hair.

No tail.

Amen.

Good enough.

This is Melody Gray reporting
live outside City Hall.

And I am getting the
official announcement now...

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Richard Fitzpatrick won?

Ha ha! That's right, Fuckers!

Fitz won!

And I won it for him!

Woo hoo!

Suck it, Coverton! Suck it hard!

Yeah!

Sync & corrections by Monkeymann