Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 4, Episode 9 - A Very Special Fitzmas - Part 1 - full transcript
Twas the night before the night before Fitzmas but the only visions dancing in Fitz' head are of his face plastered on O-mo billboards around town. As part of his new O-mo image, Fitz has decided to give up drinking which prompts a visit by three ghosts to show him the impact his newfound sobriety will have on the people around him. With the whole Fitzpatrick clan scattered, Larry must scramble to rally the troops if he hopes to save Fitz from going down the wrong path.
Previously on Call Me Fitz.
Ken's not my real father?
Just because he
donated some ball paste
doesn't make him my old man.
But he did offer
you a job and you
have accepted.
I'm getting tingles.
Brother and sister.
Father and son.
Mr. Fitzpatrick.
Let's stick with Fitz.
The family united.
The circle of life.
This is not Fitzpatrick Motors.
Maybe not, but it will be.
A feast for your eyeballs.
There is nothing
you could do to
make me fire you son.
Nothing.
You have a chance
to make billions.
To do something really special.
You need to face
the music sober.
Who's the man of the hour?
I've been trying
to turn the heads of
the Kobyashi Investment
group for months.
Guess who contacted the Omo?
Father!
They're flying in
tomorrow and Richard is
going to get them on board.
Father is not who
you think he is.
Every bad thing that
has ever happened to
the Fitzpatricks.
All Father.
These came in for you, son.
Merry Christmas!
Shut the fuck up!
'Twas the night before,
the night before Fitzmas,
and all through the house
A secret unearthed
by a doctor named Klaus.
Revealed Richard's father
was not who he knew,
which is why Ken engaged
in a tipple or two.
And now this poor father
had only one heir.
and the one that remained...
Uh uh uh!
was not quite all there.
Compounding Ken's pain
was his not so young wife,
who declared it was time
So long fuckers.
to get on with her life.
And even the fixer
had left Ken alone.
being too busy finding
a fix of his own.
But one truth above all
had made Ken's heart sink,
for the son he once knew
had abandoned the drink.
And so sat young Richard,
all snug in his bed,
as visions of O-Mo
danced in his head.
At last Ken's boy took on
the life I had dreamed,
but suddenly all was not
quite as it seemed.
For somewhere inside of me,
vibrant and strong
was a horrible feeling.
Could I have been wrong?
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪
Ho ho ho motherfuckers.
Kwanzika came early
for Joshy this year.
How the frankincense
can I fail auto shop?
I've made a horrible discovery.
We must remain calm.
Zip it.
Both of you.
I'm going over
my Christmas list.
FYI, you're getting me a pony,
but I didn't hear that!
I am a wolf in
sheep's clothing.
In trying to make Richard good,
I have driven him into
the clutches of evil.
Oh oh, speaking of evil,
which one of you inbreds
is going to babysit Justin?
Not it!
You're abandoning
your son on Christmas?
Family tradition, Lar.
Mama's gonna get
all nogged up and
make some mistakes.
But what about Richard?
We need to save him
from the evil clutches
of Pat Childs!
Relax, Lar.
Every Christmas Fitz and I
get high, watch Scarface,
and then pig out
on House of Chan.
Hey, bestie!
Time to blaze in
some Christmas cheer.
Mandatory drug
testing at the O.
I can't risk my sweet payday.
You.
Sober.
That's hilarious.
Ever wonder if there's
a reason you can't
graduate, Josh?
Every day dude.
Richard.
You can't leave your
family on Christmas.
I'm not.
In fact I'm headed
over there right now.
We need to address
your psychological --.
Whatever it is, I'm on it.
No Richard -
you are?
I shoulda made these
changes a long time ago.
You were right,
cock pup - Larry.
Seriously?
You paid the guy from
the Leb food joint
to say you were dead?
Well, you got me here.
What's the fucking emergency?
Lainey, oh sweet Lainey.
I can see it all
so clearly now.
Smells like you're
seeing it in double.
I never shoulda used
our wedding to
show up my brother.
You got me to come
here to tell me
shit I already know?
I want to start again.
I'm gonna turn this
joint into the
class-A shithole it
deserves to be.
Jesus, it's like a
things-I-don't-give-
a-flying-fuck-
about-a-thon.
It's that no good bastard son.
That's what was
fucking up our lives.
Now that he's gone,
we got a clean slate.
We?
You'n me.
Like back in the day.
You think I'd want
to go back in
business with you?
Why the fuck not?!
I said I'm -- whatever
the fuck it is you say
when you're not
going to do it again.
You want to know
what's really been
fucking up all our
miserable lives?
Not just our son.
Go look in the mirror.
If it looks like a Fitzpatrick,
you got your answer.
Fuck.
We are on the cusp, Richard.
The culmination
of decades worth of
research and development.
A car wash?
The O-cinerator.
It doesn't just
destroy used cars.
It repurposes them into
low-carbon emitting fuel
for the O-mobiles.
This is your ticket to
ride the money train?
Just the icing on the
proverbial oatcake, Son.
Ok, I have no idea what
you're talking about.
We're taking the
company public.
I plan to announce our
initial public offering
on Christmas day.
An IPO.
A license to print
money for yourself.
You mean, ourselves.
I'll be introducing
you as our new VP,
Richard Childs.
What's the catch?
Do you consider being
the new face of
O-Mo a catch?
You'll be a rock star
by New Year, Richard.
Let me show you how it works.
You don't happen
to have something
metal handy?
Ah.
What the fuck?
You don't need that anymore.
Ali?
You know what I'm looking at?
Me. Fitz.
I'm finally hitting
the big time.
All legit and shit.
Hell, if this works out,
our kid's gonna be
wearing gold diapers.
Please leave a message.
Fuck.
It's me, Fitz.
Call me back.
No booze...
I can do this.
I am your ghostly
guide through this
yuletide afterlife.
Josh?
A fucking ghost?
When the fuck did you die?
I didn't, I'm
just super-baked.
Smoked the rest of
your Christmas bowl,
things got loco.
Anyways, here, yes, ok.
You will be visited
by three goats.
And a horny dude.
That's not right.
Whatever, just listen
for the horn dude.
Oooh, ye shit be going down.
It's on.
You're still here.
Or am I?
Hey, Mr. Fitz.
Sonja?
I always loved you
in that apron.
I'm the ghost of
Christmas past.
You're dead?
Milking accident.
Don't ask.
Well I never had sex
with a ghost before.
Just showing you who's boss.
Fuck me.
Maybe, but first
a little journey.
Middle school, 1982.
Little Tommy Shitsack.
I remember that kid.
His mom was my teacher.
She gave me an F that one time.
And you decided to beat
him up because of it.
So?
I was a dick.
I've been a dick my whole life.
Repent, repent, repent.
Don't worry about it.
I've already changed.
Actually, he deserved it.
He was a d-bag.
But because of you
beating him up,
he became a good,
ambitious person.
Grew up to be President.
You're shitting me.
Of Bob's Big House
of Futons, but still.
Your badness, Mr. Fitz,
resulted in
something good.
Now, watch this --
Hey, that's us.
Christmas inventory
two years ago.
Shh. Pay attention.
Mr, Fitz, I am not
sleeping with you
in order to get that promotion.
What's the lesson here?
Sexual harassment is bad?
Fitzy's open to negotiation.
Nope, I just remembered
it was a really great
hair day --
And, it was also
the day you taught me
how to be a businesswoman.
That's not all I
taught you that day.
You know, Fitzy may have
laid off the sauce,
but he'll never say
no to the cherry.
Not so fast.
There's one last thing
I need you to see.
It's up to you Fitz.
Get a life or take it
someplace else.
Turn it off.
I don't need
the re-run.
I caught it the first time.
Shhh.
You're going to ruin it.
Wait for it, wait for it.
And there!
You see that?
That's the face of
someone who is about to
change their life
for the better.
Everybody needs
an a-hole to
set them straight.
She may not be able to
be with you right now,
but she is grateful for
what you gave her.
Now that is true love.
Why do I get the feeling
this isn't going to
lead to sex?
Fuck sobriety.
You gonna pack it in
just like that, asswipe?
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Another Berry Breezer.
But this time, give it a shot
of bourbon.
Paula!
The only one who will
understand my plight.
S'up, Lar-bear?
Paula, have you ever
done the right thing
only to find out
it's the wrong thing?
No, but I have recently
done the wrong thing
and it felt really,
really right.
Oh... well I, Larry,
believe I may have
been wrong.
Instead of helping
Richard all these years,
I've been hurting him.
Luring him to the light side,
when really its the dark side,
where your father lurks.
Light side, dark side.
It's just like Christmas.
Bullshit.
Paula, you need to help me help
your brother.
Give me the keys to your
father's evil lair.
I will show Richard the truth.
You've got to
get up pretty early
in the morning
to get ol' Paula...
something --
bird -- worm.
I gotta pee.
Oh, tampon!
Sorry Paula.
Let's do this.
Good man.
Now let's make sure the
shoe is shiny when you
put your best foot forward.
Off to your hair and
make-up consult to
let your inner Childs glow.
Wait!
Easy, friend.
What's the trouble?
You!
You were wrong Richard,
about me being right.
And he.
He is not right.
He is wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Pat Childs has been secretly
plotting to usurp your family
for years and years and
years and I have proof.
Come on come on come on.
To the secret lair!
Behold!
Larry, this is not a sage idea.
You bet your bippy
it's not a sage idea.
Enough of your holiday
hoodwinkery, good sir!
Look...
Upon...
The...
Evil!
What the?
I don't understand.
Is this the evil that
you're looking for Larry?
I had everyone at O-MO
working around the clock
making festive ornaments.
For the disabled.
The homeless.
The orphaned.
You happy,
Saint Dick-olas?
It never ends with this guy.
I know what you're
doing here, mister.
I'm doing what's
best for my son.
Well some say teaching
people to better themselves
is more important than
telling them what to do.
True.
But I always remember what
a tribal elder told me
after I had saved his entire
village from the ravages
of Hurricane Ian.
Have you ever done that, Larry?
That's not the point.
He told me that the
fool spends his days
changing others.
The wise man changes himself.
Are you calling me a fool?
You can't beat me, Larry.
It's unpossible.
That's not even a word.
Exactly.
Security.
Could you assist
this gentleman?
He's looking to see
something in an exit door.
Oh, Pat Childs!
Your T-zone needs
damage control.
Get you're fucking
hands off the goods
Stephen Hawking.
Fine.
Look like a
dehydrated alcoholic.
Mmmmm, I'm in a wheelchair.
That guy.
Oooh, huffers!
Stop fucking around.
Right, ok, back to business.
You'll now be visited
by your second goat.
Who will come bearing presents.
Or does he want a present.
Dammit now I have to write
a letter to Santy Claus.
What the fuck?!
Hey everybody welcome
to The Gray Zone,
this is Melody Gray,
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Have we ever got a
treat for you today,
we have got an exclusive
interview with
everybody's favourite
dead beat dad,
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Richard and I have
quite the past.
I didn't fuck him
while I was alive,
so I'm really gonna
fuck him now.
Now you're talking.
Cause I could get
stiff for a stiff
that looked like you.
No no, lookit everybody
Richard is about to find out
what a fuckup he really is,
and I'm about to score myself
a Daytime Emmy.
Roll the clip.
Will this gas tank
withstand the
tarsecs necessary
for the Goron run?
For two bucks it will.
We're standing outside
Fitzpatrick Motors
where family patriarch,
Ken Fitzpatrick
attempts to erase all
traces he ever had a son.
That fucksack is
selling all my stuff.
My Dexter Lane records!
My Hugo Boss!
My panty ball!
Without hate,
Ken has no identity.
He's changing,
and so is Elaine.
The only thing those two
cancer-prunes are changing
are their diapers.
We take you live to the scene.
Thank you so much
for watching the baby.
I had to get out.
You know what it's like.
We certainly do.
Since when does Elaine
give a shit about
baby what's-his-nuts?
Fitz has bigger
problems on the horizon.
Without him there to inspire
Elaine's nefarious scams,
she is forced
to look elsewhere.
So she finds herself
a new business partner.
Who's up for champers?
Ooh. A little bubbly
to seal the deal.
That's right ladies.
My mother and Foxley?!
Oh fuck.
Forgive me.
It didn't work anyway.
Tis the season to
be a fucking failure.
Take it from me.
The solution to all
of your problems is in
the bottom of a shot glass.
You wanna understand
a Fitzpatrick,
you gotta become a Fitzpatrick.
But, but I am a Fitzpatrick.
- ish.
Then tuck in your lady balls
and embrace your roots --.
And enter the
belly of the beast.
What I do now, I do for you,
Richard Fitzpatrick.
In order to save you,
I must become you.
Ok, one does not simply
suckle the she-wolfs teet
without tasting the sting
of her sickly sweet cream.
May whatever crucified
hobo you worship
have mercy on your soul.
Cheers.
Hey! AHH!
Another round.
Drunk Larry.
And he's putting
it on your tab.
That's a big oopsie, fuck head.
You're sobriety has
turned your conscience
into a drunk.
Care to comment?
Don't be alarmed.
I was just staring at you
while you slept.
They say the eyes are
the windows to the soul,
but the eyelids are the
curtains to those windows.
Good news, sleepy head.
We've just had an offer to
expand the O-Mo into Asia
for the launch tomorrow.
What?
Oh, right, ya, giddy up.
Your face will be beamed
live on five continents.
But I need your help.
Taking our campaign
international
is a huge risk.
We need to make a statement.
Burn the past to blaze
a trail into the future.
I got this.
I had Grandma Alice's
car towed in.
Betsy.
My memories of this old
clunker are far from fond,
but they are the very
things that set me
on a course to
change the world.
That's why we're
going to destroy it.
All this time you've
been selling the sizzle,
you need to give
them the steak.
People don't want
a concept of the future.
They want to see it in action.
Something they can
sink their teeth into.
Leave some bread
crumbs, Richard,
for I have a hard
time following.
Take a one of a kind
vintage classic,
and stick it in your
incinerator thing
and show the world what
the O-Mo is all about.
Trading in your shitty past
for a top shelf future.
That's my boy.
Hello, house.
Hey, anybody home?
Suck it.
Hi lampy.
Hi arm chair.
Hello... dildo.
Oh so soft.
You have all betrayed me.
Especially you.
With your puppy dog eye.
Box.
You are the only one
who never betrayed me.
The only one that who
really tried to help me.
I can become
a real Fitzpatrick.
Oh look, more alcohol.
What's that Boxie?
When your best friend whose
psyche you've manifested from,
abandons you, there's only
one thing you can do?
Watch your grandma's
porno film.
Belly of the beast.
Ok boxie, here we go.
Whatever it takes.
Spread em or I'll shoot.
Oh I'll spread em,
but you better call
for back up, cause this
is a three man job.
Grandma Alice?
Welcome my dear
Fitzpatrick Family,
to my last will and testament.
♪ Ding Donggggggg
Ken's not my real father?
Just because he
donated some ball paste
doesn't make him my old man.
But he did offer
you a job and you
have accepted.
I'm getting tingles.
Brother and sister.
Father and son.
Mr. Fitzpatrick.
Let's stick with Fitz.
The family united.
The circle of life.
This is not Fitzpatrick Motors.
Maybe not, but it will be.
A feast for your eyeballs.
There is nothing
you could do to
make me fire you son.
Nothing.
You have a chance
to make billions.
To do something really special.
You need to face
the music sober.
Who's the man of the hour?
I've been trying
to turn the heads of
the Kobyashi Investment
group for months.
Guess who contacted the Omo?
Father!
They're flying in
tomorrow and Richard is
going to get them on board.
Father is not who
you think he is.
Every bad thing that
has ever happened to
the Fitzpatricks.
All Father.
These came in for you, son.
Merry Christmas!
Shut the fuck up!
'Twas the night before,
the night before Fitzmas,
and all through the house
A secret unearthed
by a doctor named Klaus.
Revealed Richard's father
was not who he knew,
which is why Ken engaged
in a tipple or two.
And now this poor father
had only one heir.
and the one that remained...
Uh uh uh!
was not quite all there.
Compounding Ken's pain
was his not so young wife,
who declared it was time
So long fuckers.
to get on with her life.
And even the fixer
had left Ken alone.
being too busy finding
a fix of his own.
But one truth above all
had made Ken's heart sink,
for the son he once knew
had abandoned the drink.
And so sat young Richard,
all snug in his bed,
as visions of O-Mo
danced in his head.
At last Ken's boy took on
the life I had dreamed,
but suddenly all was not
quite as it seemed.
For somewhere inside of me,
vibrant and strong
was a horrible feeling.
Could I have been wrong?
♪ Without you
I'd find my smile ♪
♪ Without you
I'd'a won by a mile ♪
♪ Without you
Oh life would be so grand ♪
♪ Without you I'm half a man ♪
Ho ho ho motherfuckers.
Kwanzika came early
for Joshy this year.
How the frankincense
can I fail auto shop?
I've made a horrible discovery.
We must remain calm.
Zip it.
Both of you.
I'm going over
my Christmas list.
FYI, you're getting me a pony,
but I didn't hear that!
I am a wolf in
sheep's clothing.
In trying to make Richard good,
I have driven him into
the clutches of evil.
Oh oh, speaking of evil,
which one of you inbreds
is going to babysit Justin?
Not it!
You're abandoning
your son on Christmas?
Family tradition, Lar.
Mama's gonna get
all nogged up and
make some mistakes.
But what about Richard?
We need to save him
from the evil clutches
of Pat Childs!
Relax, Lar.
Every Christmas Fitz and I
get high, watch Scarface,
and then pig out
on House of Chan.
Hey, bestie!
Time to blaze in
some Christmas cheer.
Mandatory drug
testing at the O.
I can't risk my sweet payday.
You.
Sober.
That's hilarious.
Ever wonder if there's
a reason you can't
graduate, Josh?
Every day dude.
Richard.
You can't leave your
family on Christmas.
I'm not.
In fact I'm headed
over there right now.
We need to address
your psychological --.
Whatever it is, I'm on it.
No Richard -
you are?
I shoulda made these
changes a long time ago.
You were right,
cock pup - Larry.
Seriously?
You paid the guy from
the Leb food joint
to say you were dead?
Well, you got me here.
What's the fucking emergency?
Lainey, oh sweet Lainey.
I can see it all
so clearly now.
Smells like you're
seeing it in double.
I never shoulda used
our wedding to
show up my brother.
You got me to come
here to tell me
shit I already know?
I want to start again.
I'm gonna turn this
joint into the
class-A shithole it
deserves to be.
Jesus, it's like a
things-I-don't-give-
a-flying-fuck-
about-a-thon.
It's that no good bastard son.
That's what was
fucking up our lives.
Now that he's gone,
we got a clean slate.
We?
You'n me.
Like back in the day.
You think I'd want
to go back in
business with you?
Why the fuck not?!
I said I'm -- whatever
the fuck it is you say
when you're not
going to do it again.
You want to know
what's really been
fucking up all our
miserable lives?
Not just our son.
Go look in the mirror.
If it looks like a Fitzpatrick,
you got your answer.
Fuck.
We are on the cusp, Richard.
The culmination
of decades worth of
research and development.
A car wash?
The O-cinerator.
It doesn't just
destroy used cars.
It repurposes them into
low-carbon emitting fuel
for the O-mobiles.
This is your ticket to
ride the money train?
Just the icing on the
proverbial oatcake, Son.
Ok, I have no idea what
you're talking about.
We're taking the
company public.
I plan to announce our
initial public offering
on Christmas day.
An IPO.
A license to print
money for yourself.
You mean, ourselves.
I'll be introducing
you as our new VP,
Richard Childs.
What's the catch?
Do you consider being
the new face of
O-Mo a catch?
You'll be a rock star
by New Year, Richard.
Let me show you how it works.
You don't happen
to have something
metal handy?
Ah.
What the fuck?
You don't need that anymore.
Ali?
You know what I'm looking at?
Me. Fitz.
I'm finally hitting
the big time.
All legit and shit.
Hell, if this works out,
our kid's gonna be
wearing gold diapers.
Please leave a message.
Fuck.
It's me, Fitz.
Call me back.
No booze...
I can do this.
I am your ghostly
guide through this
yuletide afterlife.
Josh?
A fucking ghost?
When the fuck did you die?
I didn't, I'm
just super-baked.
Smoked the rest of
your Christmas bowl,
things got loco.
Anyways, here, yes, ok.
You will be visited
by three goats.
And a horny dude.
That's not right.
Whatever, just listen
for the horn dude.
Oooh, ye shit be going down.
It's on.
You're still here.
Or am I?
Hey, Mr. Fitz.
Sonja?
I always loved you
in that apron.
I'm the ghost of
Christmas past.
You're dead?
Milking accident.
Don't ask.
Well I never had sex
with a ghost before.
Just showing you who's boss.
Fuck me.
Maybe, but first
a little journey.
Middle school, 1982.
Little Tommy Shitsack.
I remember that kid.
His mom was my teacher.
She gave me an F that one time.
And you decided to beat
him up because of it.
So?
I was a dick.
I've been a dick my whole life.
Repent, repent, repent.
Don't worry about it.
I've already changed.
Actually, he deserved it.
He was a d-bag.
But because of you
beating him up,
he became a good,
ambitious person.
Grew up to be President.
You're shitting me.
Of Bob's Big House
of Futons, but still.
Your badness, Mr. Fitz,
resulted in
something good.
Now, watch this --
Hey, that's us.
Christmas inventory
two years ago.
Shh. Pay attention.
Mr, Fitz, I am not
sleeping with you
in order to get that promotion.
What's the lesson here?
Sexual harassment is bad?
Fitzy's open to negotiation.
Nope, I just remembered
it was a really great
hair day --
And, it was also
the day you taught me
how to be a businesswoman.
That's not all I
taught you that day.
You know, Fitzy may have
laid off the sauce,
but he'll never say
no to the cherry.
Not so fast.
There's one last thing
I need you to see.
It's up to you Fitz.
Get a life or take it
someplace else.
Turn it off.
I don't need
the re-run.
I caught it the first time.
Shhh.
You're going to ruin it.
Wait for it, wait for it.
And there!
You see that?
That's the face of
someone who is about to
change their life
for the better.
Everybody needs
an a-hole to
set them straight.
She may not be able to
be with you right now,
but she is grateful for
what you gave her.
Now that is true love.
Why do I get the feeling
this isn't going to
lead to sex?
Fuck sobriety.
You gonna pack it in
just like that, asswipe?
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Another Berry Breezer.
But this time, give it a shot
of bourbon.
Paula!
The only one who will
understand my plight.
S'up, Lar-bear?
Paula, have you ever
done the right thing
only to find out
it's the wrong thing?
No, but I have recently
done the wrong thing
and it felt really,
really right.
Oh... well I, Larry,
believe I may have
been wrong.
Instead of helping
Richard all these years,
I've been hurting him.
Luring him to the light side,
when really its the dark side,
where your father lurks.
Light side, dark side.
It's just like Christmas.
Bullshit.
Paula, you need to help me help
your brother.
Give me the keys to your
father's evil lair.
I will show Richard the truth.
You've got to
get up pretty early
in the morning
to get ol' Paula...
something --
bird -- worm.
I gotta pee.
Oh, tampon!
Sorry Paula.
Let's do this.
Good man.
Now let's make sure the
shoe is shiny when you
put your best foot forward.
Off to your hair and
make-up consult to
let your inner Childs glow.
Wait!
Easy, friend.
What's the trouble?
You!
You were wrong Richard,
about me being right.
And he.
He is not right.
He is wrong.
Very, very wrong.
Pat Childs has been secretly
plotting to usurp your family
for years and years and
years and I have proof.
Come on come on come on.
To the secret lair!
Behold!
Larry, this is not a sage idea.
You bet your bippy
it's not a sage idea.
Enough of your holiday
hoodwinkery, good sir!
Look...
Upon...
The...
Evil!
What the?
I don't understand.
Is this the evil that
you're looking for Larry?
I had everyone at O-MO
working around the clock
making festive ornaments.
For the disabled.
The homeless.
The orphaned.
You happy,
Saint Dick-olas?
It never ends with this guy.
I know what you're
doing here, mister.
I'm doing what's
best for my son.
Well some say teaching
people to better themselves
is more important than
telling them what to do.
True.
But I always remember what
a tribal elder told me
after I had saved his entire
village from the ravages
of Hurricane Ian.
Have you ever done that, Larry?
That's not the point.
He told me that the
fool spends his days
changing others.
The wise man changes himself.
Are you calling me a fool?
You can't beat me, Larry.
It's unpossible.
That's not even a word.
Exactly.
Security.
Could you assist
this gentleman?
He's looking to see
something in an exit door.
Oh, Pat Childs!
Your T-zone needs
damage control.
Get you're fucking
hands off the goods
Stephen Hawking.
Fine.
Look like a
dehydrated alcoholic.
Mmmmm, I'm in a wheelchair.
That guy.
Oooh, huffers!
Stop fucking around.
Right, ok, back to business.
You'll now be visited
by your second goat.
Who will come bearing presents.
Or does he want a present.
Dammit now I have to write
a letter to Santy Claus.
What the fuck?!
Hey everybody welcome
to The Gray Zone,
this is Melody Gray,
Ghost of Christmas Present.
Have we ever got a
treat for you today,
we have got an exclusive
interview with
everybody's favourite
dead beat dad,
Richard Fitzpatrick.
Richard and I have
quite the past.
I didn't fuck him
while I was alive,
so I'm really gonna
fuck him now.
Now you're talking.
Cause I could get
stiff for a stiff
that looked like you.
No no, lookit everybody
Richard is about to find out
what a fuckup he really is,
and I'm about to score myself
a Daytime Emmy.
Roll the clip.
Will this gas tank
withstand the
tarsecs necessary
for the Goron run?
For two bucks it will.
We're standing outside
Fitzpatrick Motors
where family patriarch,
Ken Fitzpatrick
attempts to erase all
traces he ever had a son.
That fucksack is
selling all my stuff.
My Dexter Lane records!
My Hugo Boss!
My panty ball!
Without hate,
Ken has no identity.
He's changing,
and so is Elaine.
The only thing those two
cancer-prunes are changing
are their diapers.
We take you live to the scene.
Thank you so much
for watching the baby.
I had to get out.
You know what it's like.
We certainly do.
Since when does Elaine
give a shit about
baby what's-his-nuts?
Fitz has bigger
problems on the horizon.
Without him there to inspire
Elaine's nefarious scams,
she is forced
to look elsewhere.
So she finds herself
a new business partner.
Who's up for champers?
Ooh. A little bubbly
to seal the deal.
That's right ladies.
My mother and Foxley?!
Oh fuck.
Forgive me.
It didn't work anyway.
Tis the season to
be a fucking failure.
Take it from me.
The solution to all
of your problems is in
the bottom of a shot glass.
You wanna understand
a Fitzpatrick,
you gotta become a Fitzpatrick.
But, but I am a Fitzpatrick.
- ish.
Then tuck in your lady balls
and embrace your roots --.
And enter the
belly of the beast.
What I do now, I do for you,
Richard Fitzpatrick.
In order to save you,
I must become you.
Ok, one does not simply
suckle the she-wolfs teet
without tasting the sting
of her sickly sweet cream.
May whatever crucified
hobo you worship
have mercy on your soul.
Cheers.
Hey! AHH!
Another round.
Drunk Larry.
And he's putting
it on your tab.
That's a big oopsie, fuck head.
You're sobriety has
turned your conscience
into a drunk.
Care to comment?
Don't be alarmed.
I was just staring at you
while you slept.
They say the eyes are
the windows to the soul,
but the eyelids are the
curtains to those windows.
Good news, sleepy head.
We've just had an offer to
expand the O-Mo into Asia
for the launch tomorrow.
What?
Oh, right, ya, giddy up.
Your face will be beamed
live on five continents.
But I need your help.
Taking our campaign
international
is a huge risk.
We need to make a statement.
Burn the past to blaze
a trail into the future.
I got this.
I had Grandma Alice's
car towed in.
Betsy.
My memories of this old
clunker are far from fond,
but they are the very
things that set me
on a course to
change the world.
That's why we're
going to destroy it.
All this time you've
been selling the sizzle,
you need to give
them the steak.
People don't want
a concept of the future.
They want to see it in action.
Something they can
sink their teeth into.
Leave some bread
crumbs, Richard,
for I have a hard
time following.
Take a one of a kind
vintage classic,
and stick it in your
incinerator thing
and show the world what
the O-Mo is all about.
Trading in your shitty past
for a top shelf future.
That's my boy.
Hello, house.
Hey, anybody home?
Suck it.
Hi lampy.
Hi arm chair.
Hello... dildo.
Oh so soft.
You have all betrayed me.
Especially you.
With your puppy dog eye.
Box.
You are the only one
who never betrayed me.
The only one that who
really tried to help me.
I can become
a real Fitzpatrick.
Oh look, more alcohol.
What's that Boxie?
When your best friend whose
psyche you've manifested from,
abandons you, there's only
one thing you can do?
Watch your grandma's
porno film.
Belly of the beast.
Ok boxie, here we go.
Whatever it takes.
Spread em or I'll shoot.
Oh I'll spread em,
but you better call
for back up, cause this
is a three man job.
Grandma Alice?
Welcome my dear
Fitzpatrick Family,
to my last will and testament.
♪ Ding Donggggggg