Call Me Fitz (2010–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Fuck the Vote - full transcript

Previously on Call Me Fitz...

We're goin' home.

Not until you tell me what you want.

To know my daughter is happy
and healthy

and free to sign a lease
on a new dealership.

If you were permanently whacked out,*

Daddy could get custodial
control of your life.

This asshole isn't a doctor!

She's hallucinating.
He's my father! He's trying to -

Mr. Fitzpatrick.

Are you okay?



Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

You just sounded so sad.

Iris.

Oh... Larry.

No one knows the swarthy
savior's secret origin,

but one thing is certain...

The costumed vigilante "Ethnic Man"

is quickly becoming a local legend.

It's not Ethnic Man, it's Every Man.

And Ethnic Man is voting
for Richard Fitzpatrick.

Every Man.

No, he's voting for Chester Vince.

Can't we all just get along?

That answer your question,
cracker ass?



Everyone tells you to be yourself.

For most people, that's
a shit piece of advice.

Because they're losers.

You want my advice?

Be like Fitz.

Mornin', sweet knees.

Richard Fitzpatrick for City Council.

Number one car salesman in Coverton...

Most desirable bachelor in town...

When do you turn eighteen?

After all, I'm charming, handsome...

...And irresistible
to the ladies.

Hey, Babe.

The name's Richard Fitzpatrick.

You're that sleaze merchant

with the Vegas
knock-off lounge?

That's another Richard Fitzpatrick.

[sighs] Fuck.

What's it going to take
to get rid of you, Son?

I could feed you some crap

about rezoning bla
bla fucking bullshit.

But what I really want is a scotch,

a T-bone and eggs,
and to get my nut off.

Ribeye all right?

Giddy-up.

Come on, fuck me, Grandma!

[moaning]

So fuck what people say.

I'm in it to win it.

You've got my vote, Fitz.

And nobody can press the flesh

like good old Fitzy.

This election is all mine.

[groans]

Fuck.

Tough day on the campaign trail?

Yes, actually.

I'm being facetious, idiot.

Four angry husbands

and sixteen sexual
harassment complaints?

Did you really have to sleep
with a seventy-six year old?

Not my fault her husband

couldn't get the job done downtown.

Rabbi Kinkman has been
in a coma since '89.

Now, thanks to you, Edith Kinkman,

the President of the
Coverton Ladies Auxiliary,

the most powerful women's
group in town, is dead.

No one knows I banged her.

And I slipped a few bills
to the coroner for insurance.

Relax, Foxley.
I got this.

Got what?

A campaign that has zero focus,

no platform and not a
single female supporter?

This is serious, Fitz.

When it comes to the ladies,
Fitzy is always serious.

And that is a seriously hot dress.

First the rich, then
the ethnics, now women.

Is there anyone you
can get along with?

Fear not!
Larry has a plan.

A plan?
How cute.

What we need to do
is reset-

No.
What we need to do is reset.

Get some kind of female
organization to endorse you.

[gasp] The Ladies Auxiliary.

If Edith's cronies back you,

people will believe your
little "natural causes" story.

Nah.
That sounds like work.

What I was going
to suggest -

I'm sorry, did I forget
to tell you to shut up?

...was that we arrange an
interview with Melody Gray.

That Ann Coulter wannabe?
She'll decimate him.

Look whose little high school feud

is getting in the way
of Richard's campaign.

Every woman and homosexual in Coverton

follows Melody Gray.

If anyone can reset his
reputation, it's her.

[beeping]

Bar's open.

I'll leave you ladies to duke it out.

Your attempts to
annoy me are pathetic.

And yet you look quite annoyed.

Any comment on Richard
Fitzpatrick's role

in the untimely - and some
might say, homicidal -

death of Edith Kinkman?

No story there, honey.

She was alive when he left that house.

I'd like to hear it from the horse.

He's at the trough.
And has no comment either.

Then why did Larry call
to set up a one-on-one??

Larry did what?
He asked for a favor.

A chance for Richard
to clear his name.

Poor Dot.

You've lost control of Richard,

and now you're losing control
of that limp string bean.

I told Larry to call you.

The interview was my idea.

Fine, then it's settled.
Tomorrow at noon.

And you have something in your teeth.

No, Mr. Fitzpatrick.

I cannot just
"motherfucking let you go."

I'm giving you a golden
opportunity here:

submit to a psychiatric evaluation

and the hospital won't take
legal action against you.

At least give me a drink.

Good.
We'll start tomorrow.

The effects of detox
should settle by then.

Fuck banana party time.

Come on baby,
you know what I'm saying.

Just had to come here

to rub it in my face, didn't you?

Get out.

Punch carpool to the pussycat.

Capiche?

[whimpering]

[loud sobbing]

"The new abstinent
Richard Fitzpatrick"?

What kind of Duchovny
bullshit is this?

It's a press release
informing the public

that as of now,

you won't be trolling for
votes with your penis.

This is the new Richard Fitzpatrick,

the one who plays by my rules.

I don't do rules.

One.

You keep your little
friend in your pants

till after the election or I'm out.

No sex.

Especially not with that

soul sucking media whore Melody Gray.

But sex is my thing!

Do you want your precious bar back?

Then park the pecker and man up.

Two.

You win the election,

you make me City Manager.

That's the job those drones
give to old war buddies.

Their friends.

Well, that makes rule
number one easier.

Because friends don't sleep
with friends' friends.

Or their enemies.

Or in your case -
anyone at all.

So now we're friends?

Look at us, standing here,

your penis out and me not fucking it.

I guess we are.

I've never been friends
with a broad before.

Funny, me neither.

I do not understand.

We sell more cars than Ken
Fitzpatrick ever could,

and yet we make no profit.

Then how did that white
devil succeed for so long?

What's up -
here's Ken's cut.

I guess it's yours now.

From Joey.

For the scrap metal.

Fitzpatrick sells scrap metal?

Yeah.

Car sales is a loss leader, dude.

At least that's what Fitzy says.

We send our shitboxes to
Joey at the junkyard.

He crushes them and
sells them for scrap.

We take 80 percent of the sale,

and make our money back...

Trip-ular-ily.

No, that's not a word.

What else does the heathen say?

Larry!
I was hoping you'd come.

I'm happy to see you too Iris,

since you seem to be my
only female friend and -

I can call you that, right?

The icing on my man cake?

The icing?

Can't I be the cake?

Of course.
And I'm the icing!

You can be the cake.

Do you want to be the cake?

Because women can be

any confection they desire!

Never mind.

Tell me about your day.

Okay, well...

Today was the day I showed Dot Foxley

that I too am a person of action.

Ooh!

Yeah, I know.

Melody Gray is going
to interview Richard,

and once he tells his
side of the story,

his name will be cleared -

kinda thanks to me.

And my understanding

of how the overly complicated
female mind works.

No offense.

There's just something
about a man of action -

he exudes confidence.

Yes!

And that's why I think

a guy like you could
have any woman you want.

You're like a magnet.

You're right...
I know...

Richard is a magnet for women.

No doubt Melody Gray

will succumb to his animal magnetism.

And I yours.

If anything were to happen
between Richard and Melody,

it would ruin the
point of the interview.

Larry, I want you.

Richard has never gone this
long without carnal relations.

Now you're just teasing me.

Oh god, Iris!

What if Richard does that to Melody?

Oh no!

Thank you, Iris, for
your words of wisdom.

We really have something in common.

Somehow, I doubt that.

I gotta go!

[beeping]

Leave a message.

Look, sir, I know we had a deal,

but things have gotten...

complicated.

This is going to cost you
a lot more than minimum wage.

Fucking calluses.

Lefty's been working overtime,
if you know what I'm saying.

How about you pretend to not be

a degenerate sex addict
for five minutes?

Well I think Richard
has an enormous capacity

for penetrating the
female demographic.

Do you want me to eat your face off?

I do not.

Use my cards.
Nothing else.

She asks a question,

all the answers are color coded.

And just be your best self, Richard.

But different.

Much, much different.

Uh-uh.

I told you I'd only do
this one-on-one, Foxley.

No spin doctors, skinny retards,

or once-fat redheads.

Relax, I got this.

Of course you do.

[loud whisper] Do you?

Yeah.

He fucks this up, you die first.

Hi.

[whispering inaudibly]

To relax you.

Bottoms up.

So, Fitz.

I'd love to hear your take

on those pesky little rumors

that you killed the President
of the Ladies Auxiliary.

Uh, what happened to Edith Kinkman

was a tragedy.

And an accident

that I was not involved in whatsoever.

You've got to give me something more

than clich?d sound bites
and talking points.

Come on, Toots.
Don't get your panties...

No comment.

I would like to talk to you, however,

about my gender equality policies.

Oh, go on...

Um...uh...

I'll show Foxley.
I can do this.

I do believe that women are...

...entitled to a full
year of maternity leave.

You know what I think I'm entitled to?

[grunt] Uh...

A quote on how
Ms. Kinkman died.

But if you're reluctant,

you could make it up
to me in another way.

What did you have in mind?

I really like to...
[grunts]

...immerse myself
in my stories.

I like to get to know my subjects...

intimately.

And now that you're a politician...

you would be surprised

how willing people are to open up

given the right circumstances...

...Fitz.

Oh, Fitzy.

Fitzy!

Come here, Fitzy...

I can do this.
I can do this.

Get it together, Fitz.

Fitz!
Fitzy!

Dead baby kittens.
Bunnies dead on the road.

Think pink.

No...

Nobody refuses Melody Gray!

Uh, Miss Gray!

Miss Gray, please wait!

I don't know what happened in there,

but before you assassinate
Richard's character...

please understand he's the product

of years of emotional neglect
and conditional love.

Fitzpatrick has psychological issues.

Bla bla blah.

I don't know if I'd
call a mommy fetish

a psychological issue.

He's hired someone to help
him work through that.

Prostitutes are old news.

No, she's a dominatrix!

But geriatric sex killer?

Now that's front page.

Richard did not kill Edith Kinkman!

Richard is a friend to women!

And all genders!

Of course.
You and Richard are lovers.

Geriatric sex killer
hides behind gay lover.

You know what?
That could work.

Thanks Larry!

No, no.
No, no, no.

[whimpering]

Richard!

Not now, fuck sauce.
I'm not in the mood.

Um, you know how I'm
always telling you

not to take people hostage?

[whimpering]

I know you're out there,
you moronic beanpole!

Let me out!

What the fuck?
Richard, please don't be mad.

I didn't know what else to do.

She tried to make me confess

that you killed Ms. Kinkman
with your penis,

so I grabbed for her camera

and one thing led to another and...

...And you locked Coverton's
most prominent journalist

in the trunk of a car?

How the fuck is that going
to help me with the dame vote?

The correct term is "female vote"

and I didn't want you to get caught

in her evil clutches.

When I tell the world
what you've done,

you're both going to fry!

I should have just fucked her!

You got her phone, right?

It all happened so fast...

Jesus, Larry,

have you never taken a hostage before?

I've watched while you have.

Using that!

[Fitz's ringtone]

Fuck, it's Dot.

Please don't tell her!
She'll kill me.

Oh, I won't.

Because I want to be
able to kill you first.

Yeah.

How'd it go with Melody?

Fan-fucking-tastic.

Keys!

That's great!
I have good news too.

The Ladies Auxilary is hosting
a 24 hour hula-thon.

24 hour
what-the-fuck-a-thon?

They hula hoop for 24 hours.

Raise money for the woman's shelter.

You're taking Edith's spot.

Can't I just write a cheque?

You want to save your
political career?

Photo Op.
Twenty minutes.

Fuck!

First murder, now kidnapping?
You just got me my own show!

Ms. Gray, this
was an unfortunate accident.

A friend helping out a friend.

Really,
Larry-nothing-comes-up-

with a-background-check?

What other evil lurks

beneath the unfortunate sweater vest?

I am not a deviant!

Yeah? You are now!

Breaking news! Geriatric
sex killer running for office!

When the police find me here,

trapped and terrified,

but determined to see a
murderer brought to justice -

a star will be born.

Fuck!
This is not how this works!

Find Josh and get this trunk open.

I'll be back in half an hour.

Don't worry, buddy.

I will restore the female
population's faith in you

if it is the last thing that I do!

You really are the world's
biggest douchebag.

I was not talking to you.

Doc...

Doc!

I don't even know why I'm here.

I'd argue that a lifetime

of alcohol dependency
is why you're here.

You gotta give me something
to take the edge off.

I can't stand the sight of her.

The sight of who,
Mr. Fitzpatrick?

Who the fuck do you think, you quack?

Doctor, garbage book tooth impaction.

Got it?

Stay the fuck away from me,
you gnarled penis clamp.

Ken...

Can I call you Ken?

You're safe here.

We'll talk about this in session, Ken.

Ah, ladies, hey, all right!

I'm Richard Fitzpatrick

I'm running for city council,
how you doing?

Say cheese!

Okay, great.
That was great.

Okay, excuse us just a second.

What happened in the interview?

Why?
What did you hear?

Fitz, what the fuck is going on?

Jesus!
Trust much?

I thought we were friends.

You sent that car
to the motherfucking crusher?

Don't worry, dude -

you'll get your cut
after the Ruptals cash in.

You sent Melody's car to the crusher.

Really, Josh?

Why, what's your problem?

It's not like there was
a woman in the trunk.

There was a woman in the trunk!

Gotta save her!

All right, fine.

Would you--!

Nice try, Fitz.

You barely managed to slow me down!

My article is finished

and so is your political career.

Ho ho ho!

Driving me out of cell range?

Well played!

Ow! Hey!

Okay, know what - now we're
in TV movie territory!

Hostage in Heels -
The Melody Gray Story.

[thumping]

[gasp]

Hello?

Hello!

Okay...

[screaming]

What the hell?

Oh, no!
Oh, no!

Excuse me, sir!
Hold on!

Joey!
Joey!

[screaming]

Joey! Joey!

Joey!
There's a woman in the trunk!

Gotcha.

No!
We need to get her out!

That's double.

Fuck!
Larry!

Okay, we've got...
twenty...

Give me the fucking money!
Jesus!

[screaming continues]

Joey...!

Joey!
For fuck sake, put her down!

[screaming continues]

Get me out of here!

Oh my God, I could have been killed!

Oh my God, I could have been killed.

But you weren't

and you have Richard
to thank for that.

Oh, you saved my life,
I don't know what to say.

Don't say anything.

And for God's sake,
don't publish anything.

Oops, got a signal!

No!

Fuck!

Hello Pulitzer.

No love.

Can't thank you.

[whimpering]

Can't sorry, alone.

What do you want from me?
What do you want?

[sighs]

Understand yet?

No.

I don't understand.

I never fucking did.

All the years we were together.

You never once said a single thing

that made sense to me.

For once in your fucking life,

will you just talk straight to me?

How am I supposed to talk to you,

you dumb mook?

First thing my mom taught me

after how to boost a car -

was never talk to a man
who doesn't respect women.

The fuck are you talking about?

The dealership.

Took some dream you had

in the back room of a bar

and helped you build it.

Brick by brick, car by car,

every fucking day.

And you never thanked me.

Do I really have to fucking say it?

You were the best thing
that ever happened to me.

Oh, Daddy.

I love it when you call me daddy.

I always call you daddy.

I think I've made some
remarkable progress here.

It's time we get those
discharge papers ready.

And now we get to go home together!

Fuck.

Get it off!
Get if off!

Get it off me!

You kidnapped the woman who
was supposed to be saving you?

Don't look at me.

Kidnapping is such a strong word.

Melody's report claims that
you were "with" Edith

when she passed!

And I've been trying to tell them

that this report is a pack of lies.

Do you want to tell them
what really happened, Richard?

Or should I?

This is not Richard's fault.

I, Larry, fully acknowledge my role

in this awful and terrible
and not very good situation.

Murder, kidnapping
sexual addiction-

it's the trifecta of awesome.

If you have any chance of
winning this election,

it's the same way that got
you here in the first place.

Being yourself.

Because the truth is,

you are incapable of anything else.

And so am I.

Tell them the truth about Edith.

You want to know the truth
about Edith Kinkman?

I'll tell you.

I was down on my luck,
and she took me in.

So I went for a dive.

It took a while, but I found treasure.

And so did she.

She was smiling when they found her.

You bet your ass she was.

And you know why?

Because I love women.

All women.

Young, old, thin, fat, tall, short...

I fucked a midget once.

And then you know what I did?

I fucked her again.

'Cuz that's the kind of guy I am.

I give until it hurts.

And, if elected,

I will make sure all
the ladies of Coverton

get their fair share.

Yeah.

Stuff your ballot box
with that, ladies.

Vote for Fitz!
Because - oh...

Know what?
You still kidnapped me.

And I have these Old Bags
to back me up.

It's your word against ours.

And I didn't see a thing.

Neither did the Old Bags.

You know what, Richard?

There you go:
The truth has set you free.

How's that for a fucking platform?

Town gigolo?

I'm gonna give the
people what they deserve.

No apologies.

No excuses.

I'm gonna own up to every scandal,

every bad thing I've ever done.

Because I'm Richard Fitzpatrick.

The last honest man.

Yeah.

Now, I can do whatever
the hell I want.

[triumphant music]